00x01 - Valentine's Day m*ssacre

[bunniefuu]

BIG PETE:
It all started right here
on the -yard line,

with a sky-high whirling
discus throw

that k*lled an innocent squid.

It ended here, too.

On Valentine's Day at : a.m.

in a massive showdown
between me and this gruesome,

sandwich-eating mutant
named OpenFace.

We stood right on this spot,

hating each other's guts
in the freezing cold until...

well, you'll find out.

My name's Pete, by the way.

This here
is my brother Pete.

Yeah, we come back here
every now and then

to pay respects
to the squid I k*lled.

It's true.
I k*lled it.

But it was an accident,
I swear.

You see, my dad's this guy
who always wanted

to be a discus thrower
in the Olympics.

Sometimes he even sneaks out
at night

and pretends he's champion
of the world.

He kept bugging me to practice,

so at least someone
in our family

could be on a cereal box.

I said...

No, thanks.

But then the guilt
started getting to me,

and one February night,
I gave in.

I felt like a spaz king
out there

with my friend Ellen and Pete,

but then I thought of
my poor dad, and I let one rip.

It was a toss I think
he would've been proud of,

if only it hadn't crash-landed

right on our sacred
school mascot:

Edna, the fighting squid.

Ellen said...

We have to tell
Mr. Beverly.

The guy who owned the squid,

but luckily,
he was sound asleep,

cause I had
a much better idea.

Let's bury it.

So we did...
in a special place

where I figured school mascots
deserved to go:

the -yard line.

You swear
that you won't tell?

I swear.

What if they dip you in acid?

I'll never tell,
Pete, no matter what,

even if they lower
me inch by inch

into the molten lava
of a live volcano.

My secret was safe forever...

or so I thought.

Then I made the mistake
of falling for my math teacher,

Miss Fingerwood,
and things kind of went...

Kablooie.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

¶ Hey, smilin' strange ¶

¶ You're lookin'
happily deranged ¶

¶ Can you settle to sh**t me ¶

¶ Or have you picked
your target yet? ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Don't you talk back ¶
¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶
¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Don't you talk back ¶
¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Don't you talk back ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy, hey. ¶

You don't have to be
a math genius

to figure out
that the chance I had

of getting Miss Fingerwood
to like me

was about million to one.

That's her.

She's a total maniac

about math, but even so,
she'd say stuff

that just k*lled me.

I'll never forget
that Christmas morning.

The river was . miles wide,
and there I was,

swimming the Australian crawl

at a forward acceleration
of . seconds per second!

( breathes deeply )

Plus, there was something
about the way

she drew her twos
that I liked a lot.

The problem was
I wasn't the only one

with Miss Fingerwood
on the brain.

It turned out that Mr. Beverly,
this guy who paints the lines

in all the playing fields--
he liked her, too.

Stay off the line!

He lived in a shack on the edge
of the school grounds

and took care of the squid,
when it was alive.

Like Miss Fingerwood,
he was also a sl*ve to math,

working late into the night

making geometrically
perfect lines

while she stayed late

calculating the square root
of infinity.

I guess that's why
he loved her.

Ellen thought they were made
for each other,

but I knew if I could melt

Miss Fingerwood's
mathematical heart,

she'd see that there was more
to life than long division.

But I'd forgotten
about one thing: OpenFace.

( bell rings )
Class!

OpenFace is my arch enemy:

an evil kid who always eats
open-faced sandwiches,

even in church.

He's dedicated his life
to making me miserable

ever since I stopped him

from electrocuting a Chihuahua.
Get out of there!
What are you doing!

When he realized I had a crush
on Miss Fingerwood,

his mutant brain
began to sizzle

like a fried meat loaf,
and he hatched a diabolical plan

to destroy me
and rule the school.

It all started with a visit
to Mr. Beverly.

Hey, Mr. Beverly!

Beverly, I'm
talking to you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just, uh,
lubricating the gyros.

H-Have we met?

The name is OpenFace,

and these are some
of my esteemed colleagues.

But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.

You're squid,
and a math teacher

we like to call
Miss Fingerwood--

you like her,
don't you?

She's mathematically pure.

Exactly, and you don't want
some bug-eyed redhead kid

slobbering all over her,

do you?
Slobbering?

It's this Pete kid.

Stares at her and slobbers

all day long.

Someday, she may
be slobbering back.

Who knows?
She may be slobbering right now.

Not Miss Fingerwood.
You fellas don't know her.

OPENFACE:
Oh, and you do?
Listen, Beverly.

I can help.

I'll talk to the flamehead
and make him realize

there's other fish in the sea.

BEVERLY:
You would do that
for me?

Sure. And in return,

all you have to do
is give me the squid.

Kid, squid.

It's that simple.

Where is it, anyway?

Edna? No, you can't...
you can't have her.

No, she's, uh... o-off, uh...

Poor Mr. Beverly.

He just couldn't admit
that Edna was missing.

He actually thought
his beloved squid

had gotten jealous
over Miss Fingerwood

and had run away from home.

I can't give up Edna.

You have to let go,
Mr. Beverly.

It's cruel, I know,
but love is cruel.

Besides, I love Edna, too,

and that's why
I want to set her free.

Free!

Being the school mascot
is no life for her.

I'll take her to the ocean
and set her free.

Free among the friendly
plankton of the deep.

And the shrimp
cocktail.

You probably figured out

that OpenFace had no intention
of setting Edna free.

He wanted the squid to serve
his own twisted quest for power.

He knew that nobody
would mess with him

if he was the keeper
of the sacred fighting squid.

You won't hurt this kid,
will you?

Me?

You'll just get him
to stop slobbering.

Okay, it's a deal.

Just one more thing,

OpenFace.
Yeah?

Stay off the line.

The deal was set.

Stop the kid, get the squid.

Perfect... except for one thing.

The squid was dead.

Of course, no one knew that
except for us.

Mr. Beverly kept hoping
and praying

that Edna was wiggling
her way back home.

Edna!

Looking back, he must have felt

pretty torn up inside,
but I did, too.

We were more than halfway
through the school year,

and Miss Fingerwood
still thought my name was...

Uh, Whizzer?

( laughing )

Pete. Just Pete.

The time had come
to make my move,

so on the day we were supposed
to read algebra word problems

we had written ourselves,
I declared my love for her.

If one is the loneliest number,
then X plus one

over the circumference
of a full moon

equals the square
root of eternity.

Us eating
donuts together

beneath a willow tree.

Somehow, I don't think
Miss Fingerwood got

the drift...
but Ellen sure did.

ELLEN:
How could you possibly be
in love with Miss Fingerwood?

I don't know.

She swam across
the Mississippi

on Christmas.

She's years old
and smells like chalk.

She doesn't act .

Pete, she calculates the speed
of electricity for fun.

You just don't understand.

Sure, I do. Watch.

One, two, three, four...

What are you doing?

I'm counting
to a million for fun.

Five, six, seven, eight...

I knew what Ellen
was trying to do,

, ...
but no matter how high
she counted,

...
she'd always be a girl
and a friend,

but not a girlfriend.

With Miss Fingerwood,
I don't know.

It was like I felt drawn
to her somehow.

Pete suggested expressing
my true feelings

with powerful electromagnets,

when as suddenly
as your dog barfing on a rug,

there they were.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't the brothers Pete.

( spitting )

The whole g*ng was there.

It was Milk Mustache;

Ink Stain,
whose pen always exploded;

Outie, who they say has
an outie belly button

three inches long;

OpenFace, Gravy Breath
and Butt Stripe,

this kid who always has mud
on his butt

from riding his bike
in the rain.

Hi, guys.

Ew, gravy breath. Ew!

We've come to offer
you a little deal.

Free square
dance lessons?

Try again.

Discount lube job?

Oh, enough funny stuff.

Butt Stripe, Ink
Stain, hold him still.

Milk Mustache, make
me an open-faced
deviled ham sandwich.

I have a feeling I'm going
to need some quick energy.

What he needed energy for,
of course,

was to pummel me in areas
he had marked out

on an Visible Man model.

You stay away
from Miss Fingerwood,

understand,
Flamehead?
Why?

Here's why!

Do we understand
each other?

No poems, no slobbering.

You so much as look
at Miss Fingerwood,

and you'll be eating OpenFace
knuckle sandwiches forever.

So, what do you say,
you freckled freak?

Eat cheese.

Ink Stain, make
me an open-faced
liverwurst sandwich!

I think we're going
to be here for a while.

and I'm starting to feel
liverwursty all of a sudden.

BIG PETE:
Hi.
Seven...

What happened to you?

,...

I guess some people want
me to stop slobbering

over Miss Fingerwood.

Oh, yeah? ,...

But I don't care!

What should I do?

Here's an idea!

Hey, we built
that together!

You painted the
esophaguses!
You painted

the esophaguses.

I painted the spleen.

Here's the pancreas.

Let me see.

Ellen, I really
need your help.

Not this time, Pete.

I mean, it's just...

She knows the speed
of electricity,

and considering you never
wrote me an algebra poem,

I just don't think

we can be friends
anymore.

Hey, but what about
the squid secret?

Doesn't that mean anything?

After the big blow-up
over Miss Fingerwood,

Ellen wouldn't even look at me.

I tried catching her eye
while we were out

in math class calculating
the rotation ratio

of the solar system
when all of a sudden,

Pete!
a miracle happened.

Pete, what in heaven's
sweet name happened to you?

You look like you were hit
by a two-ton truck

traveling at , feet
per second.

( sighs )

Uh-oh.
OpenFace's strategy

had backfired.

Miss Fingerwood was starting
to fall for me.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, oh.

Mr. Beverly must've seen

it all and had some sort
of breakdown,

because he started roaming
the streets at dawn,

painting wobbly lines
and talking to himself.

Miss Fingerwood?

Guess again.

Oh!

( coughs )

Oh, OpenFace, I can't
take this anymore.

I saw them.

Uh, oh... oh,
they were...

You promised.
We made a deal.

Patience, Beverly,
patience.

Until the power of the squid
is in my possession...

I-I mean, until I can set
Edna free...

Free!

OPENFACE:
Nothing will stop me,
nothing!

Ink Stain, we need a plan.

Let's... let's blackmail
the flamehead.

g*ng:
Yeah! Blackmail!

All right, quiet.

We need some dirt
on the kid.

There are ways, boss.

Yeah!

I don't care what you do,
just... just make him stop.

And do it they did.

OpenFace knew
that every kid has

a secret to hide, and if
he could just dig up mine,

he could destroy me forever.

His first target: Pete.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the littlest, tiniest,

teeniest Pete
of them all.

Take a sponge bath, Hammerhead.

They tell me you got a tattoo
under that sleeve.

Tattoo of a little lady.

( muttering angrily )

Look, there
she is, boss.

Isn't she
beautiful?

Oh, my.

I wonder how she'd look with
a handlebar mustache?

What do you blowholes
want from me?

Just a little information
about your brother.

Bite the wind!

Very well, maybe
this goatee will help

change your mind.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Not a goatee!

Surely there must be
one tiny secret

out there you can share with us.

Never!

Okay, little Pete boy.

You asked for it!

Pete never cracked.

No way.

So OpenFace set his sights
on the only person left

who could tell it all--

Ellen.

At first,
I didn't think she'd fall

for his cunning mutant charms.

You look as lovely

as the Hoover Dam
today, Ellen.

But he kept pouring it on.

Would you care for

a cheddar and flounder
open-faced sandwich?

No, thanks.

But I'm melting the cheese

with the radiant power
of your glowing beauty.

Well...

Thanks.

When finally,

the impossible happened,

and Ellen said yes to a date
with the sandwich eater.

I told myself
it didn't matter.

Once I gave my Valentine
to Miss Fingerwood,

all my troubles would be over.

As I sat waiting for her to
finish an equation she invented

for measuring hiccup velocity
below the equator,

I saw these kites dancing
around in the February sky,

and I knew Ellen was out there
in her lucky red boots,

smiling at OpenFace.

Mm, there's nothing like
a hot liver and gravy sandwich

when you're flying a kite.

Tasty, isn't it?

Ever see a deer
get hit by a car?

And the best part is,

if you take the square root
of the difference

and subtract the coefficient,

you almost always get
an integer that's prime.

Neat.

Where do you
buy your shoes?

Sometimes, when a kite
is pulling really hard,

doesn't it seem like it's trying
to get free or something?

It better not.
They cost $. each.

I had this dream once.

I had dreamed that
the area of a circle,

instead of being Pi r squared,
was Pi r to the third.

Can you believe that?

I've never told
anyone that.

I'm so embarrassed.

I dreamed I was a little
blue dog once.

I never told
anyone this,

but I just got to get it
off my face... chest.

You don't have to.

No, no.
I want to.

I don't want there to be
any secrets between us.

Well, okay.

FINGERWOOD:
Pete, you said

there was something
you wanted to show me.

Pete?

Show you?

Uh, it's this
new solar-powered

calculator I bought.

Oh, wow.

Rays of light traveling
million miles through space

just so you can do math.

That kind of makes you think,

doesn't it?

Yeah.

And that's what happened.

I don't know
what to say, OpenFace.

I mean, that's a pretty
horrible thing to do.

Throwing your own uncle
out of a plane?

He landed on a lake.

All right, all right.

I know, it was
a horrible secret,

but I'm glad
I told you.

I am.

Now, is there anything
you'd like to tell me?

Some deep, dark secret
nobody knows about?

Well,

there is this one thing.

Something about you and Pete?

( sighs )

If you like me,

you'll tell me.

I went to bed early that night,

hoping to blot out the image
of Ellen's red boots.

Everything seemed so stupid.

Squid one squared, times
the square root of squid two...

When all of a sudden...

( bleats )

,.

One million.

( glass breaking )

OPENFACE:
Dear Carrot Head.

Let's settle this mess
once and for all.

Meet me at Langley Field

an hour before homeroom,
you miserable wuss.

Sincerely yours,
OpenFace.

BIG PETE:
So this was it.

The final
showdown with OpenFace.

I didn't know what tricks

he had up his mutant sleeve
and I didn't care.

All I knew was,
I had to get Ellen back

and I had to do it alone.

It would be one Pete
against the world.

Morning, Carrothead.

Fancy meeting you here.

I'd like to introduce you
to a friend of mine.

Mr. Beverly, Pete.

And of course,

you know Miss Fingerwood.

Miss Fingerwood, meet everyone's

favorite squidmeister,
Mr. Beverly.

The pleasure's mine.

Eugene, why did you
ask me here today?

Eugene?

Shut up!

I called you here this
morning 'cause there are

a few things I think
you'd like to know.

Right, Pete?

Right.

Mayday! Mayday!

Come in, Ellen!

Ellen, do you read?

Ellen!

Pete, what's wrong?

Pete's in trouble at Langley.

Needs help!

OpenFace knows his secret.

You didn't tell him did you?

Hello, Ellen? Ellen!

So, do we understand each other?

No, I don't think so.

You stop slobbering
over Ellen,

and I'll...
I'll...

Stop slobbering
over Miss Fingerwood?

Yeah.

Well, well, well.

So I guess things with you
and Miss Fingerwood

didn't quit add up.

Pete?

You sure draw
great twos, though.

Let me ask you
this, lover boy.

How will things add up
with you and Ellen

when you realize
she told me the secret.

She told you?

OPENFACE:
Oh, it was

a special moment we had,

just me and her,
staring into each other's eyes.

I guess we were meant
for each other.

And that's why there's one
more thing you have to do.

I want you to swear

that you'll stay away
from her forever-- or else.

Or else what?

I'll tell all your friends here
your pathetic little secret.

What do you care
about Ellen?

She betrayed you.

I'm giving you
five seconds to make up

your puny mind.

Five.
She ruined you.

Four!

You'll go to jail.

Three.

Two point five!

Two.

Pete!

It's a trick!

One.

You can't tell
the secret, OpenFace.

And why is that?

Because I'm
going to tell it first.

No!

Mr. Beverly, your squid is dead.

I k*lled it
with a discus.

Pete! No!

I didn't tell him.

He wanted me
to tell him,

but I didn't
tell him.

You didn't tell?

You m*rder*d Edna?

You squashed the squid?

What was the impact velocity?

I don't know.
It was an accident.

Where is she now?

Where is my Edna?

Come on, Mr. Beverly.

I'll show you.

Right here.

Me, Ellen and
my brother Pete

buried her right here
on the -yard-line,

where she belongs.

Was she wearing
her school uniform?

Yes, sir.

Did you sing the school song?

We hummed it.

That's what I would have done.

It's hard to remember
all those words.

I couldn't believe it.

After all I'd gone through,

Mr. Beverly just looked into
my eyes and forgave me.

Just like that.

Maybe because Miss Fingerwood
smiled at him.

Maybe because

it was Valentine's Day.

You d*ed with dignity, Edna,

like a fighting squid should.

Wait, wait.
What's going on here?

Mr. Beverly, this kid

squashed
your squid.

I mean, my squid.

Edna is with us all now,
OpenFace.

No, she's not.

She's six-feet underground,
decomposing.

OpenFace,
you're disgusting.

I was going
to set her free, Ellen.

Free!

Would you shut up?

We had a deal, Mr. Beverly.
Tell them.

I get you Miss Fingerwood,
you give me the squid.

Mr. Beverly!

I was jealous.

I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.

Before you say anything,
would you come with me?

As for you,

OpenFace,
stay off the line.

You cannot do this.

I am OpenFace!

You heard him, Eugene. Scram!

I'll be back.

Come on, guys.

Let's get out of here.

Even though
he never stopped the kid

or got the squid, OpenFace
did do one thing right.

He gave Mr. Beverly a chance

to deliver his Valentine
to Miss Fingerwood.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I made it for you.

Wow.

It's geometrically
perfect in every way.

I knew you'd like it.

That is so romantic.

Do you think Mr. Beverly
gave her a Valentine?

I don't know, but
here's one for you.

I made it myself.

Happy Valentine's
Day, Ellen.

Thanks, Pete.

It's beautiful.

Well, I guess we don't have
our big secret anymore.

There'll be other
secrets, Pete.

I just know there will.

¶ Are you crazy man ¶

¶ You didn't notice her? ¶

¶ Well, you must be blind ¶

¶ 'Cause all I do now ¶

¶ Is think about how ¶

¶ She will be mine ¶

¶ I couldn't stand up ¶

¶ I couldn't sit down ¶

¶ One look at her and I... ¶