00x03 - Space, Geeks, and Johnny Unitas

[bunniefuu]

I'm not sure what the
astrophysical formula is,

but every summer,

as the Earth's equator
tilts further and further

away from the sun,
the days get longer and longer.

And somehow, it seems

as if the minutes and seconds
get longer, too.

Especially when
you're counting down

the last week of school.

Just ask my brother, Pete.

Time simply slows down.

Bite my scab!

BIG PETE:
It's frustrating.

Especially when your very own
personal superhero...

Artie! The Strongest
Man In The World.

...is outside waiting for you.

As for me
and my best friend, Ellen,

we had to deal with this beast,

science teacher Mr. Porchman.

A total ear gouger,

( earwax squishing )
famous for two things.

One, chest hair you can see
right through his shirt,

and two, assigning
this deadly final paper

on the last week of school,
just to watch kids flop around

like trout on a hot sidewalk.

For one more week,

you troglodytes are mine.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

¶ Hey, smilin' strange ¶

¶ You're lookin'
happily deranged ¶

¶ Can you settle to sh**t me ¶

¶ Or have you picked
your target yet? ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Does your dog bite? ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶
¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Does your dog bite? ¶
¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy ¶

¶ Does your dog bite? ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Hey, Sandy, hey. ¶

When you look up at the stars
and realize

what an insignificant speck
of lint you are,

compared to
the humongous immensity

of the infinite universe,
you've got to ask yourself

how much does a final paper
really matter, anyway?

Your paper will be worth
% of your final grade.

BIG PETE:
It was at precisely that moment
that I decided to forget

about the universe
for a while and concentrate

on getting a good grade
on that paper instead.

pages, typed, stapled,
and on my desk

in exactly hours,
minutes

and seconds.
( ticking )

What topic did you get?

The uh...

the transmission of
electromagnetic waves
through the universe.

Ouch.

Mine's the... "search for
complex organic compounds."

You mean like aliens?

I wish.

It's more like analyzing
the carbon content

in soil samples from Mars.

Totally boring.

What do you want from
a wiper like Porchman?

An "A."

I'd take a "B" minus.

BIG PETE:
The stakes were high.

Fail Porchman's famous final
paper and you were doomed

to a fate worse than death--
summer school.

Having survived a year
of mental t*rture,

from a man who once
made us memorize

the nine rings of Uranus,

we didn't want to blow it
with only a week to go.

So we got to work.

And by Wednesday, we had
almost all the facts needed

to satisfy Porchman's
sadistic desires.

All we had to do
was look up a couple of facts

at the Blurkmann Planetarium,

and the summer would be
practically in our pocket.

( grunts )

Naturally, Pete and Artie
tagged along

to work
on their lunar ballet...

and almost got arrested.

( grunts and gasps )

Thinking quickly, Pete
mesmerized the security guard

with Petunia's newest
dance sensation.

She came up with this
little number just for you...

( doorbell ringing )

...Smitty.

Whoa.

Shake it, baby.

BIG PETE:
After that, the planetarium
was at their mercy.

As for us-- we were minding
our own business

at the Big Bang exhibit

when this geek from our science
class started following us.

Oh, it's Joe Jones.

I think every school has
its own Joe Jones.

You know the type--
bad haircut, dresses funny,

smells a little like...

( sniffing )

...steamed vegetables.

This particular Joe Jones
joined our class

somewhere in mid-December.

( giggling )

Nobody knew too much about him,

except that he only ate
ketchup at lunch...

had a terminal case
of static cling...
( static buzzing )

...and always had this blue
radio plugged into his ear.

( blipping and crackling )

It's supposed
to hail tomorrow.

BIG PETE:
There was also this rumor

that his cowlick always
pointed magnetic north.

( electrical buzzing )

It was pretty weird stuff.

( door slams )

But as I was about to find out,
the weirdest thing of all

was the one thing
we had in common.

JOE:
They called it
the greatest game

ever played, you know.

What?

The
NFL championship game

between the Baltimore Colts
and the New York Giants.

First sudden death overtime
game played in history.

Ever heard about it?

Heard about it?

It's my favorite game
of all time.

Seven minutes into
overtime,

Johnny Unitas
hands off to Alan Ameche,

who takes it in from the one.

Colts win to .

Best game I ever saw.

Wait, how could

you have seen it?!

It happened, uh...

years ago.

Of course, I didn't
actually see it.

I just read about it in a book.

You want to
know something
interesting?

Right here in this
star system,
billion miles away,

that game was just played
for the very first time.

What do you mean?

It's simple.

Joe explained that
after the game was over,

the TV waves that carried
the broadcast

kept going out deeper
and deeper into space.

( electronic blipping )

After years of traveling
at the speed of light,

the waves had gone far enough

to bring the game to the
Alpha Centauri star system.

FANS:
Block that kick!
Block that kick!

Wow.

So that means if
there's intelligent
life out there,

they would have just
seen Johnny Unitas play
for the first time.

Exactly.

Johnny U. and the Universe.

Now that's a research paper
I could get into.

It's brilliant.

You should do it.

Right.

I like Johnny U., but not enough

to risk summer school.

You have to, Pete.
It's perfect.

The first three
letters in "Unitas"

are the same as

the first three letters
in "universe."

Think about it.

Johnny U. and the Universe.

Yeah, I like that.

L-Let me write that down.

JOE:
How come aliens never part
their hair on the side?

I mean, all this
scientific speculation

on what aliens are
supposed to look like.

How come you never
see an alien with
a hair part?

No hair?

Exactly my point.
I mean,

who's to say that aliens
don't have afros?

Or pigtails.

Precisely.
I mean,

what if there were
aliens all over the place.

But they looked exactly like us?

( electrical crackling )

Wow...

they could be anybody.

The Vice President.

Or the Pope.

Or what about... Porchman?

No one's above suspicion.

Now, that would be quite
a research paper.

Wouldn't it?
I'd call it,

"The Search for
Extraterrestrial life

on Planet Earth."

I think I'd know just where
I'd start looking, too.

( insane laughter )

Gaseous hole.

Why don't you do it?

Find an alien in our town?

Sure.

You've got four days.

Besides...

I-I could help you.

Do you remember

that huge sonic boom
in December?

What was that all about?

I don't know.

Porchman would have
a total meltdown.

But what about the dogs
in this town?

Haven't they been acting
a little suspicious lately?

ELLEN:
True.

Hmm.

But an alien here?

I mean,

what if we don't
find anything?

Okay, but what if we do?

Besides, Mr. Porchman's
a scientist.

He'd understand.

Ha!

Alien life on our planet?

What about
the Bermuda Triangle?

Or... or Stonehenge?

Some scientists say

that aliens may have
arranged the stones

in order to
predict eclipses.
Young lady,

the only stones that need
arranging are the ones

in your head.

How dare you presume
to discover, in four days,

what all of science

has never been able
to substantiate

in a thousand years!

Maybe they
just weren't

looking in the right place.

( sighs )

Where is
that hall pass?

And you?

Isn't your topic
electromagnetic waves?

It still is.

But I want to concentrate
on the waves carrying the

Colts-Giants game
into outer space.
( dramatic music plays )

My paper will explore
the cosmic connection

between Johnny Unitas

and the universe.

( Porchman scoffs )

Oh, no, it won't.

( grunting and groaning )

It won't?
Not unless

you want to spend your summer
in here with me--

studying the gas-plasma

densities of
neutron stars--

I suggest you
stick to topics

that are science fact,
not science fiction.

BIG PETE:
Once I started

staring at his chest
hair, I was a goner.

I was powerless.

It's going to take more
than chest hair to stop me,

I'll tell you that.

You still want
to do it?

Definitely.
But what about the
almighty Porchman?

( Artie yells )

I don't care.

I'm not doing it
for him, anyway.

I'm doing it for science.

( loud clicking )

I'm gonna do it,
too, for Johnny U.

And just like that,
in roughly the time

it takes a supernova
to go critical...

( Artie yells )

we risked everything
in the hopes

of making our own cosmic
connection.

Some astronomers begin
their intergalactic research

with the help
of giant radio telescopes.

I began mine

with a three-page letter
to the great Johnny U.

Why was I so obsessed?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

I never saw
Johnny U. play a game.

I've never
even been to Baltimore.

My friends, who are fans
of superstars

like Randall Cunningham,
think I have brain damage.

I tried showing them
the picture

that started
my worship of Johnny U...

Pete, the guy's
not even in color.

...but somehow, I don't think

they fully understood
his majestic splendor.

I don't know.

Every time I look at it,

I see a man who played each game

as if the fate
of the entire universe

depended on him
and him alone.

I was beginning to think
I was the only one left

who still believed
in Johnny U.,

but now that Alpha Centauri
had gotten their first look

at Number ,
maybe I wouldn't be alone.

I had no idea
if Johnny U. would understand

what I was talking about, but
at least Joe Jones seemed to.

It was Unitas at his best.

A minute and three seconds left,
Colts down by three.

No time-outs, so Johnny U.
diagrams a play in the dirt.

The only thing is,
the ground is frozen solid.

So what does he do?

He gouges it out, using his
thumb like a carpenter's chisel.

I never heard about that.

He'd do
anything
to win,

whatever it took,
no matter what the cost.

He was

a warrior, Pete.

He fought for all of us.

BIG PETE:
Despite Joe's enthusiasm,

I have to admit
we were still a little uneasy

about being seen
with him at school.

So when we needed his help
on Ellen's alien test,

we snuck him up to our
secret place on the roof.

( giggles )

Okay, maybe we should start
with basic questions

like, um, how about this?

"What color is your mucous?"

Subtle.

Here's an idea.

Ask them to hop on one foot.

If they're new to this planet,

they might not be used
to our gravity.

Great idea.

BIG PETE:
Once Ellen and Joe
had the test figured out,

they checked out
their other leads.

Sure enough, there had been a
sonic boom that past December,

and no record of any planes
flying over the area.

As for the dogs in town,

well, they were
acting a bit strange.

( laughing )

BIG PETE:
The only problem?

Time was running out.
( watch ticking )

But while the minutes
and hours zoomed by for us,

time seemed to stand still

for poor Artie,
who waited for Pete until...

LITTLE PETE:
Earth to Artie!
Earth to Artie!

( grunts )

Condition, um... blue!

Hang on, my little Viking!

I'm on my way!

( jaunty music playing )

( engine revving,
tires screech )

BIG PETE:
It was a game
of death dodge ball,

and Pete was seconds away
from annihilation.

Hit me with your best sh*t!

BIG PETE:
Then, out of nowhere...

( grunts )

Your pitiful weapons
are useless against us.

( Artie laughing )

( Artie grunting )

( whistle blowing )

( whistling continues )

( Artie laughing )

ARTIE:
Oh, missed! Sucker...

Good boy!

Oh! Got me in the head.

( Artie laughing and shouting )

Behind my back!
( shouting )

BIG PETE:
By the time the dodge ball
carnage was over,

not a single foe
was left standing.

( whistle blowing )

Even though he's
the strongest man in the world,

Artie was still
no match for detention.

Ellen took advantage
of the situation

by trying out her alien test

on the two most likely
candidates on the planet.

Okay, I'll say a word,

and you say the first thing
that comes to your mind.

Cupcakes.

Artie...

Lemon-scented.

( sighs )
Let's move on.
( chuckles )

BIG PETE:
Ellen was positive

that her alien search would
end right there in room .

ARTIE:
Uh, regular refrigerator.

... two... .

( laughing )

Look at the work, boy.

Look at the work.

( Artie laughing )

BIG PETE:
But after thoroughly testing

their physical, mental

and bio-glandular capabilities,

believe it or not,
they both checked out...

Human.

That left just two days
and the whole town to go.

Do you have
any oddly-shaped scabs?

I've got one shaped
like a bunny.

Describe what
you're seeing.

( heavenly choir sings )
FRANK:
Rocks.

Can you be
more specific?

( sighs )

( heavenly choir sings )
FRANK:
Big rocks.

Is there anything
about yourself

that you'd consider...
abnormal?

Abnormal?

No, I don't think so.

BIG PETE:
, humanoids later,

Ellen began to get
a little desperate.

What color is your, um...

mucous?

Dad?

BIG PETE:
Things looked pretty hopeless.

While Ellen struggled to find

her cosmic connection
door-to-door,

I hoped for better luck
billions of miles into space.

With Joe's help, I figured out

exactly when
the legend of Johnny U.

would reach
such interstellar outposts

as... Cygnus,

Centaurus,

Andromeda

and the monstrous
Magellan cluster.

That was the easy part.

The hard part
was tracking down an expert,

somebody who had actually played

in the famous championship game.

That somebody was Art Donovan,
the defensive tackle

for the Colts from to .

He was my last hope,

the only person who might
help me unlock the mysteries

of Johnny U. and the universe.

Huh?
Okay,
it's like this.

The TV signal
that carried the game

kept going out into space,

until finally,
after years,

it reaches
the Alpha Centauri star system.

You mean Martians

are going to see my ugly mug

on some kind of space TV?

Yeah, but they're
also going to get

their first look
at Johnny Unitas.

I'll tell you what--
Johnny U.'s kisser

wasn't much to look at, either.

Yeah, but what about
the way he played?

Didn't it always
seem like he knew

the fate of the world
was depending on him?

Like that time

in the game
where he gouged in the dirt

with his fingernail?

You remember that?

Dirt?

Oh, Mr. Donovan,

doesn't it mean
anything to you

that the first three letters
in "Unitas" are the same

as the first three letters
in "universe"?

Well, the first three
letters of my last name

is the first three letters
in "donut," and you

don't see me making a
big deal out of it.

By the way, does somebody have
something to eat around here?

BIG PETE:
So much for solving

the mysteries of the universe.

Oh, thank you.

With only hours left
until doomsday,

I had nothing--
no lunch,

no paper, and just when
I needed him the most,

no Joe Jones.

Nobody had seen him all day.

He had simply disappeared.

After all that
we've been through,

how could he
let us down now?

I don't know.

Maybe he has his own
problems to worry about.

BIG PETE:
With summer school
staring us right in the face,

our last chance
was to test each other

and hope for the best.

Human, right?

Pretty much.

Now test me.

What's my
magnetic-field reading?

Ellen, this is insane!

How did we ever let Joe
talk us into all this?

Porchman's gonna...

Wait a minute.

We never tested Joe.

Of course.

That's why
he disappeared.

He knew we'd find out.

Right.

The more we thought about it,

the more obvious it became.

The weird radio...
the cowlick...

the powerful static cling...

and most importantly,
the greatest game ever played.

He must have seen it.

That's why he knew so
much about Johnny U.

He must have seen it
on his home planet.

It made perfect sense.

How could we
have been so stupid?

It had been Joe all along.

Now all we had to do

was find him and maybe
our summer would be saved.

Come on!

( gasps )

ELLEN:
Joe!

Joe!

Joe, what are you
doing up here?

Looking at the stars.

Sirius is out tonight.

That's the Dog Star, you know.

I wonder why
there's no Cat Star.

Joe, our papers
are due tomorrow.

I know.

I haven't even started mine yet.

You got us into this, Joe.
Now, you've got to get us out.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Yes, you can, Joe.

Just answer
a few questions.

We won't tell
anybody.

We promise.

What about Mr. Porchman?

Your final papers?

We're not doing it for Porchman.

There was no turning back now.

The only thing left to do
was give Joe the test.

( loud clicking )

Can you hop for us?

I'll try.

BIG PETE:
One by one, Ellen went
through all questions,

including one for me about
Johnny U. and the universe.

Finally, at precisely
: midnight,

Ellen's search for alien life
officially ended.

Welcome to Earth, Joe.

( radio crackling and blipping )

BIG PETE:
Joe answered all our questions

about where he came from
and how he got here,

and then... he answered
the hardest question of all.

If you didn't want us
to find out about you,

why'd you get us started
on this whole alien search?

I was lonely, I guess.

Until that day
at the planetarium,

you guys wouldn't

even go near me.

I was a nobody.

But then
everything
changed.

We were a team.

I didn't want it to end,
but I knew it had to.

Sooner or later, you'd
find out what I really was.

ELLEN:
I think

we figured out
what you were about...

two days ago.

You did?

Yeah.

A friend.

BIG PETE:
And that's how
we finally made

our cosmic connection.

... , ...
The next day,

as Porchman counted down
the seconds until doomsday,

his chest hair had its same
hypnotic power over me,

but I had no problem
keeping Joe's secret a secret.

...seven, six, five,
four, three...

ARTIE:
...three, two, one!

( beeping )

Bell!
( school bell ringing )

BIG PETE:
Sure, we'd have to wait

a little longer
than some people
Come on, boy!

to get our first taste
of summer freedom...

Take it to
Mach , Artie.

( Artie laughing )

...but we didn't care.

Because no matter how many
rings of Uranus Porchman tried

to cram into our brains
in summer school,

we already knew the most
important facts of all.

We humans weren't alone
in the universe,

and now that he'd found us,
neither was Joe Jones.

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶

¶ Ay-yi-yi-yi ¶