10x06 - Hippopotamus

[bunniefuu]

Hi there!

Hello and welcome to another dip

in the Taskmaster paddling
pool of pain.

As we venture into
this latter part of the competition,

the pressure on the competitors
really starts to ramp up,

their eyes fixed
firmly on the prize -

my golden head, which could also be
any man's golden head,

sculpted as it was by an artist
who has now rightly

- gone back to teaching.
- [laughter]

Who are the jesters
vying for this worthless bauble?

I'll tell you.
They are Daisy May Cooper!

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan and
Richard Herring!

And next to me is a man
who is to admin

as a fly is to dog turd.

It's little Alex Horne!

Hm.

- That wasn't my nicest.
- No.

Do you know what you're
looking at, though?

I don't.

You're looking at a guy
who's been doing evening classes.

- Yeah?
- I've now got grade 1...

- ...contortionism.
- OK.

I can fit, with grade 1,
into a phone box. Completely.

Grade 2 is a big suitcase, grade 3
is a slightly smaller suitcase,

- and then it's just suitcases
up to grade 8.
- Yeah.

Two years it took me
to get into the phone box.

Ah, you're an idiot!

Right, then, let's get on
with the prize task.

What's today's category, please?

They've had to bring in
the most narcissistic thing.

The person who,
in your phenomenal opinion,

has brought in
the most narcissistic thing,
will be awarded five points.

At the end of the show, the overall
winner will take home five prizes

and inflate their ego even further,
potentially to bursting point.

Right. Daisy, are you narcissistic?

What's the thing you've
brought in to prove it?

A face of myself.

- [everyone] Wow!
- [Alex] It's a sculpture.

[Johnny] It looks like you've been
knocked out in a pub fight.

[laughter]

I think it's not the most flattering
view of you I've ever seen.

- Right.
- But it's also not the worst.

- Where did it come from?
- Series three of This Country,

the marketing team wanted
to get people's attention.

They kept shouting, "We wanna
go viral!" to me on the phone.

They were like really bad
Apprentice contestants!

This was actually, apparently,
one of the statues
that didn't quite go well,

so they thought
they'd send it to me!

I think you look like
a Greek philosopher,
like in a thinking pose.

- Oh, thank you.
- [Greg] That's very kind.

- Very!
- [laughter]

- Johnny, are you more of a narcissist?
- Incredibly.

I have a son, he loves Lego,

so I thought I would, erm,
force my way into his world

by making miniature Lego
figures of myself.

- [Daisy laughs]
- I commissioned them.
That's me as a teenager.

That's me finding out
my partner at the time was pregnant.

That's me pretending
I played for St Helens.

That's me promoting teabags
with the monkey,

whilst being a potter
and drinking Guinness.

And that on the end is me
and former contestant Sian Gibson

and, what Sian doesn't know is,

sometimes at night
I stand there with the two
of them and she's going,

[high-pitched]
"You're a really good actor, Johnny!
You should do more serious drama."

It's like she's in the room.

Great. You're in with a real shout.

Katherine, what have you brought in?

Er, similar to Daisy,
it's a representation of my face.

- [Richard] Oh, my God!
- [everyone gasps]

That's amazing.

- It's an amazing... mask?
- Yeah, I had a cast done of my face for a job,

and then in lockdown I painted it.

It actually looked better
before I painted it, but it was white.

I think you're flying up in the
narcissism stakes because,

in your spare time, you thought,
"Ooh, I know what I'll do today."

- "I might just paint my own face."
- Yeah.

"And make myself into
a sort of nature goddess."

- I have accidentally made myself
into the goddess of nature.
- [Greg] Into nature goddess. Yeah.

Lovely. That's pretty narcissistic.

- Mawaan?
- When I was 16, I made a shrine of myself.

OK. We've got a five-pointer.

Basically, we had Hindu landlords

and they had a whole temple
in their house.

I went to my Muslim mum, I was like,
"Can I make a temple?" She was like,
"No, you can't picturise God,"

so I was like,
"Who's next in line from God?"
so then I made a shrine of myself.

- [Richard] Ahh!
- [Alex] That is what he's put in, Greg.

Oh, that's fantastic!

It's a lot of me.
That's me on my shoulder.

[Greg] And what else was
it in your shrine?

Like, a little candle and stuff
that would light.

You would sometimes look at a shrine
of yourself, by candlelight?

We've all been there!

- Richard?
- My item is a jigsaw of myself.

I think that I'm so great,
that I think people would like

- to construct my face...
- [Greg] Right.
- ...in jigsaw form.

- [Alex] And not just his face, his full body.
- [Richard] Yeah.

What are the circumstances by which
you had this commissioned?

You know, I thought
people might want to buy those.

Are you serious?
Did you try and sell those?

No, someone gave it to me at a gig.
I was trying to make it sound...

- Not that narcissistic.
- No.

OK. Right. I'm not going to give
anyone one point.

I'm going to give Richard and
Daisy two points.

I just don't think there was
enough narcissism there.

- I'm quite happy with that, actually.
- She's happy with that.

- Good. Katherine, I'm going
to give three points.
- Three points to Katherine.

- Johnny commissioned some
Lego of himself. Why?
- A lot of Lego.

You'll have to talk to him
in a pub about why.

And obviously, anyone who makes
themselves a candlelit deity
takes five points.

- [Alex] Mawaan Rizwan!
- [applause]

OK, on we go. What's the first task,
please, little Alex Horne?

Well, can everyone please shut up,
because it's cocktail time!

Ah, this looks good.

Yo.

- Ssh.
- Oh.

- [Alex whispers] Hello.
- Hello.

- Do we have to be quiet?
- Yes, please.

OK.

- You can talk if you want.
- OK.

- I'm not going to.
- OK!

I feel wrong.
I feel like I'm shouting now.

Oh. "Silently, make the tastiest
and prettiest cocktail

with the coolest name."

"If you make any noise
over 60 dB..."

- decibels -

"...you must pour anything
you've prepared into the bucket..."

"Shout...

"...at a volume of over 100 decibels."

"Shout..."

"Shout...

"...at a volume over 100 dB."

"Shout 'Woof'
at a volume over 100 dB."

"Shout 'Failure'
at a volume over 100 dB

and start again." Right.

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

- If you could write the name
of your cocktail on there...
- OK.
- ...that'd be great.

- And you're Alex, aren't you?
- Yes, Alex Horne.

Am I over 60 now?

- [instruments rattle]
- Yes.

- OK, cool.
- So now you have to shout,
"I'm so sorry" at over 100 dB.

- I'm so sorry.
- Louder.

- I'm so sorry!
- Louder.

- I'M SO SORRY!
- Lovely.
- [laughter]

Right, my guess is you already had
that dB meter, did you, at home?

- Have you not got a dB meter?
- No, I haven't.
- You should get one.

But then, you know,
for my last birthday,

you bought me a smoke
machine for my flat.

[laughter]

Right, well,
if you take one dash of Daisy,

add a little splash of Katherine
and give it a good old shake,
you get this...

[Alex whispers] 59.3.

[instruments rattle]

So please shout, "I love this!"
over 100 dB.

- I love this!
- Thank you.

You're OK.

I love this!

[lid pops]

I love this!

- [glass clinks]
- I love this!

[lid pops]

I love this!

- [bottle clinks]
- I love this!

f*ck's sake!

- [ice cube clinks softly]
- 49.3.

[ice cube clinks loudly]

That was too loud, Katherine.

OK. I've got to bark, I think.

OK, "Woof." OK.

- Woof!
- Lovely.

You need to pour that
into the bucket, as well.

- Silently?
- Probably should've done that first.

- I'll just do another "woof" for you, OK?
- OK, thank you.

Woof!

- [lid rattles]
- OK, that was a bit louder.

Woof.

Ooh. 58.

[glass clinks]

I love this!

Just calm down. I need to calm down.

OK.

Ah-la-la-la-la-la! OK. Ready.

- An "I love this", please.
- I love this!

- [lid clicks]
- That's a shame.

Oh, God.

[Alex] Yeah, that was too loud.

- Woof.
- [lid rattles]

- Woof!
- Two minutes 50 left.

Woof!

Alright.

Woof!

WOOF!

No.

Woof!

[whistle blows]

Thank you, Daisy. Well done.

You've called it The f*ck "Sa-keh".

f*ck Sake.

- Well, it's disgusting.
- [she giggles]

I was going to call it
Blood on the Beach.

- What have you actually called it?
- Well, what it is, which is...

- ...milk.

That was really frustrating.

[applause]

You have a lot of rage in you,

to the extent that, at one point,
you had to bleed the anger out

with a noise that I wrote down as...
[he yells incoherently]

They both kept trying to make the
same cocktail over and over again.

- I mean, I found that the most stressful...
- [Daisy] Oh, absolutely.

...not only the most stressful task,
one of the most stressful
experiences of my life, I think.

I don't know what you've got to be
stressed about. By the end of it,
you'd achieved a lovely glass of milk.

[laughter]

I would say, I like milk.
It tasted nice.

Yeah, milk is delicious.
And I like the name,

I like f*ck "Sakeh" better than
f*ck Sake. It was just you
with your clever wordplay.

I thought it was a cool name.
It looked awful. In it was warm vodka

and a little bit of lime juice
and an unopened umbrella.

Well, if you bought that in a pub,
you would say "f*ck sake!"

[Greg] Fair play.

OK, it's time for a break.
See you shortly.

Hello there and
welcome back to Taskmaster.

I'm so sorry about
those nasty little adverts.

Yes, and I'm just genuinely sorry.

Before the break, it was happy hour
at Ye Olde Red Taskmaster,

where our contestants were
making silent cocktails.

Daisy made a very small cocktail
and Katherine Parkinson
poured some milk into a glass.

Now for two classic old-fashioneds,
it's Johnny and Richard!

[he exhales]

- I mean, it's going to be
tricky when it's...
- [lid clangs]

...when we start
shaking it, isn't it?

You must shout "Failure".

Failure!

- It wasn't loud enough.
- Failure!

- Still not loud enough.
- What?!

- FAILURE!
- Perfect.

58.9.

You're OK.

[lid pops]

[shocked laughter]

[lid clinks]

Failure!

I've done it again!

- [bottle clinks]
- Failure!

- That was just over 60, I'm afraid.
- I've done it again!

- Failure!
- [cork pops]

Failure!

[cork pops]

That was too loud.

I've done it again!

[laughter]

[shocked laughter]

- [whistle blows]
- Thank you, Johnny.

- Shall I just pick it up?
- Oh, please.

- Close your eyes.
- Close my eyes and drink it?
- Yeah.

Quite strong!

[audience gasps]

- It's delicious.
- Surprisingly good, isn't it?
- It's surprisingly good.

[applause]

- So, were they nice?
- Well, I discovered I liked the Cloudy Mule.

I like a bit of Vegas spittle.
Lemon, lime and sparklers,
Coke and champagne.

- And what was, er, Richard's?
- It was called The Doesn't Matterhorne.

It was a vodka and rhubarb drink.

Very pleased with that title,
weren't you? Very pleased!

It isn't meant to be mean,
what I'm about to say, Johnny,

but I sometimes think
when I'm watching you

that it wouldn't make that much
difference whether the cameras
were there or not.

I don't think that's the first time
you've ever pulled a jar of olives
out your trousers!

It's the first time they've
gone in with the lid on.

- [Greg] Did you know it was gonna taste nice?
- I had an idea. I was a barman.

It was the most complex of
the cocktails and it did taste good.

I think you could serve Richard's in a bar
and you would be alright with that.

Yeah. And if you served Johnny's,
then Johnny would be arrested.

- Right, one left, then.
- Yes. It's Mawaan.

- I've never made a cocktail before.
- That's too loud.

What? Really? [he whispers]
I've never made a cocktail before.

- You need to shout, "I'm so sorry."
- I'm so sorry!

[items rattle]

- That was too loud again.
- What? No.
- Yes.

- It's all recording it on the...
- I literally just picked up a melon.

- So, what are you?
- I'm really sorry!

- Pardon?
- I'm so sorry!
- Thank you.

- [glass clinks]
- Yeah, that was too loud.

What?! I'm so sorry!

- OK.
- [metal scrapes]

I'm so sorry!

- [cork pops]
- So sorry!

- Yeah, too loud.
- So sorry!

- [clanging]
- So sorry!

Well, that... I think you need to
pour them away now.

I'm so sorry!

So sorry!

- [loud rattling]
- [he laughs]

I think there were keys
in the pocket.

Why did you put keys in your fleece?
Why would you do that?

I think I've found a loophole.

- [whistle blows]
- So, you've called it...?

Bin Juice.

Look, because it's...

...from the bin, yeah.

And there's lot of flecks of mud in it.

And a hair.

Yeah, there is a hair, isn't there?

[audience groans]

- Do you want to try some?
- Er, no.
- No?

No, I'd never drink that sh*t.
It's literally out the bin, dude.

[Alex] No, it's quite a dirty bin,
isn't it? Yeah.

- Thanks, Mawaan.
- Cheers.
- Bye-bye.

- [Greg] Very well done!
- [Daisy] Genius!

[Greg] Very well done.

I've started a new list as a result
of watching your cocktail-making.

It's called "Questions That
Don't Need An Answer."

And number one is, "Do you think
wine and milk go together?"

Yeah, well, I can tell you they don't,
'cause they all ended up in the bin.

Wine, milk, egg, orange.

Lovely bit of, er, garnish

with the old, er,
beer bottle top, as well.

- Relevant.
- There was a real theme
going on there.

The, like, catchphrase of it would
be, "Bin juice. Getting trashed."

Ahh! So there's a whole
advertising campaign behind it.

I mean, this is going to be
pretty straightforward, isn't it?

Mawaan, five points for Bin Juice.

OK. I would say it wasn't
the nicest-tasting, but...

- The concept was incredible.
- Fair enough. Five points to Mawaan.

Based on taste,
four points to the Cloudy Mule.

The Cloudy Mule king, Johnny Vegas.

You did like the milk,
as I remember.

It tasted nice.

- But it also was just milk.
- [laughter]

Third place goes to,

proud as punch,
the headmaster's son.

Two points goes to For f*ck Sake,

and one point because
it was a glass of milk.

It's done!

[Alex] Well done, Mawaan Rizwan!
Five points!

I'd like a scoreboard update quickly,
followed by a new task, please!

He's in the lead,
it's Mawaan, with 10 points!

- [applause]
- And now on with a new task.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
I am over six feet tall.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I don't want to look at myself
'cause I'll do my mirror face.

- You can look at me,
if you want, in the mirror.
- OK.

- Is that your mirror face?
- No.

"Draw the animal
that is watching you."

Creepy.

"The animal is wearing a hat."

[laughter]

"You may not leave this room

and you must look in
the mirror at all times."

"The most accurate drawing wins.
You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."

I'd like to point out
before we cr*ck on with it,

er, how creepy you looked
in the background there.

I didn't know I was on camera.

- It made me uncomfortable.
- Thank you.
- OK.

Right, who are we going to see first?

I'd like to see Daisy and Richard.

OK.

I've yet to see an animal watching me.
I can see human beings watching me.

No.

I can't see any animal watching me.
That's going to make it hard, right?

- I can see chalks.
- [Alex] OK.
- I can see a blackboard.

Hold on.
There's something in the mirror.

"Every time you press this switch,

you lose one minute."

OK, so I won't do that.

"The swi..."

"Switto. Every time you press
this switto, you lose a minute."

I'm not going to press the switto,
mate! I'm not an idiot!

It's only a minute.

- I'll press it.
- You've got three minutes 40 now.

- Oh. Oh!
- You've got two minutes 20 now.

- Oh!
- Now you've got one minute 20.

Is that the switch?
[he yells]

- You've only got a minute left now.
- I can't even press the switch
again if I want to.

It's the wrong way round.

- [whistle blows]
- Why don't I understand
how mirrors work?

[she laughs] A duck with a fez!

- [Alex] There we go.
- Why doesn't Richard
understand how mirrors work?

I don't know,
why doesn't Richard understand?

And why doesn't he know how to say
the word "switch"?

- Switto! Do you not call it a switto?
- He's not an idiot.

That's what it said. Switto!

Daisy looked like she was auditioning
for a Crocodile Dundee remake
at the beginning,

stalking the animal!

[they laugh]

[Alex] So they found the duck
wearing the fez,

- which looked like this...
- [Greg] Yep.

- ...and there are their drawings.
- Oh, dear!

- Oh, dear, oh, dear!
- Yeah. Bearing in mind,
Richard did see the animal.

There's the eyes at the top,
there's the bill coming down.
It's pretty good.

- It's absolutely rubbish.
- [laughter]

Daisy's alright, though.
That's a duck in a fez.

The feet are back-to-front,
but that's by the by.

No, it's coming in to land!

Right, that's the end of part two.

Shout goodbye to everyone
with your mouth closed, please, Alex.

[muffled speech]

Hello there!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

One lucky person is going to win
a Richard Herring jigsaw puzzle,

and who wouldn't want that?

For now, though, over to you, Alex.

Before the break,
Richard and Daisy discovered

that they were being spied on
by a giant duck wearing a fez.

Next up to the mark, it's Mawaan Rizwan.

Hi. Can I look in?

Ooh! That's weird!
I can see a dark...

Oh, that's creepy, man!

So we've got...

...lips.

It's harder than it looks, you know?

Oh, my God, it's a full body. Ugh!

I know what the hat is.
I know what the hat is.

The head is like this.

- What's...
- Mirror, please.

What's that hat called?
Fez. It's a fez.

Eyes.

No, that's nostrils.

Er...

Two nostrils.

That's quite good.
Oh, there's a bit of spit there.

[whistle blows]

- Thank you, Mawaan. I enjoyed that.
- Thank you, Alex.
- Goodbye.

[applause]

When I go to a restaurant,

do you know what
my very favourite dish is?

Some lovely duck lips.

- [laughter]
- [Alex] It is, isn't it?
- Lightly fried,

just a little bit of salt. Mm.

This eye contact is too intense.

[Greg] I'm going to ask you
a straight question.

Do you think ducks are people?

- What's a duck got?
- Lips?

A duck hasn't got lips, mate.

They're two long, hard lips.

- Yeah.
- Which people also refer
to as a beak,

but that's for fancy people.

I mean, it's great news
that Attenborough's retiring soon.

I should say, Mawaan found out
if you get really close and cut off
all the light on this side,

- you can also see the duck.
- Job's a good 'un. Let's have
a look at his image.

- [Daisy] That's good.
- [Greg] It's a fish. It's a fish in a fez.
- [Daisy] No!

The only thing of merit you did
was get close to a mirror.

What's next? Last up are our
two top lateral thinkers,

Johnny and Katherine.

OK, so the animal wearing a hat is...
It's an animal wearing a hat.

What animal in a hat...? Well,
it's got to be meself, hasn't it?

The animal wearing a hat...
Draw the animal that's wearing a hat.

[Alex] So you're saying you're
the animal in the hat...?

Well, I'm looking. There's a mirror,
I'm guessing I've got a hat on.

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised
if there were rats in here, but...

[Alex] Rats in hats?

What do I want?

A tiger's gonna appear in a trilby.

- Which chalk would you like?
- Into the mirror, please.

- I-I am.
- Are you?
- Y-Yeah.

- I'm just going to start
drawing an animal.
- Yeah.

Erm...

This is ridiculous.

Wow, that's really trippy.

Very counter-intuitive indeed.

[she laughs loudly]

Honestly, this is really
upsetting me now.

I'm alright, but then when
I go to the other side,

it's not working!

I want to go that way,
so then I go that way.

And then I want to go that way,
so I'm gonna go that way.

No! Go up in the other...
Work with me!

Agh!

God, how am I gonna
get the 'tache in?

- I want to go that way,
so I'm gonna go that way.
- [Alex laughs]

Can you be silent, please?

Ugh, and you w...

w*nk*r!

And a hat.

- [whistle blows]
- Are you OK?

No.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

[Katherine] Where's the animal?
Was there an animal in there?

There's no animal in there.

[Greg] I don't know what the hell's
going on there.

You never even, for a second,
thought the animal
was anything other than you.

I-I am an animal.

I mean, arguably, he was an animal
in a hat watching himself,

so I don't think he was wrong
to draw himself.

But the animal that Katherine drew
wasn't watching anyone.

[Alex] Here it is.

I got it in my head
that there was a rat, didn't I?

You thought we trained a rat
to run around, wearing a hat,
watching you in the mirror.

We all know, Alex,

and we all saw you enjoy going,
"Rats in hats!" to yourself.

- Right, do you want to see all five
animals wearing hats?
- Yes, please.

[Greg] Well, you've talked Vegas
right up the pile

by pointing out that he is an animal.

I would say, also, if someone had
drawn that the right way,

- it's still a good picture.
- It is.

Here we go, then.
Right at the bottom of the pile,

and it's not a bad picture but,
unfortunately, it wasn't looking

at her in a mirror, therefore,
Katherine must take just one point.

Slightly above Katherine,

- lovely Richard. Two points.
- [Alex] Yeah.

I just think he's got to learn a lesson
about the characteristics of animals,

three points to Mawaan.

And that is cruel, especially when
you look at Daisy's duck, which is,

with the best will in the world,
awful, but I know it's a duck.

And obviously, top of the pile,

- Johnny Vegas.
- Five points to Johnny Vegas.

- OK, what's next?
- It's a fun one,

and very much like Sophie Ellis-Bextor,
this one is double-barrelled.

- Hello, Katherine.
- Hi. Hello.

- How are you?
- Good, thanks. How are you?

This is usually the sign something
horrible's going to happen.

- Do you mean in your life
something bad's going to happen?
- I think in this game.

It's not a game, Richard.

- It's not a game?
- No, it's a task.
- OK.

Right.

Oh, f*ck!

"Get the most water from
butt A into butt B."

"You may not move a butt
in the first five minutes."

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

Right.

First of all, I very much enjoyed
you correcting Richard

and telling him it's not a game,
it's a task.

I enjoyed your passion, and then you
enjoyed your sneaky bung removal,
didn't you?

I subtly removed the water-butt-plug
and they did not spot it.

It's not a butt, it's a barrel.
We all know what you're up to.

- Come on.
- OK, then. Well, first up,

it's Daisy and Richard.

I think I'm just
gonna have to bucket it.

- You're gonna bucket it?
- Let me just reread it.

- Yeah, take your time.
- "May not move A..."

Oh, no!

No!

There's a hole in the bucket.
That's not fair.

- There's a hole in your bucket?
- Yeah. Oh, there's a hole
in here, as well.

- Agh! There's a hole in that!
- Is there? Oh, no.

Yes, there is, yeah.

You've still got seven minutes
and 15 seconds.

[she pants]

Let's go.

f*cking hell.

- You may now move your barrels.
- [Richard grunts]

- I mean, every drop could count, right?
- Yeah. Absolutely.

Right, I just mug the rest,
I reckon.

- "What" the rest?
- Mug the rest.

- Oh, sorry, mug the rest.
- I'll just take my time with this now.
- Yeah, just enjoy it.

Oh, hold on. I should've thought of this,
shouldn't I? Should've got a towel.

[Alex] You've got two and
a half minutes.

Now I find I can't get out
of a bloody jumpsuit. Agh!

This is tedious, doing this.
Half of it's on the ground.

- Yeah, over half.
- It's just what it is.

[Alex] You're trying to wring
your boilersuit?

Some of the water is in here
and that is from there.

What if I suck up the water
out of the ground with this?

There's more than was in
my jumpsuit in here.

- How long now?
- [whistle blows]

Oh.

[whistle blows]

Thank you, Richard.
I'll get this measured.

I feel it wasn't very good.

- Well done, Daisy and Richard.
- Well done. Well done.

That's the intellectual approach
to the task out of the way with.

As far as I can work out,
what we were left with at the end,

er, a man in his 50s

using a children's balloon pump

to try and extract
moisture out of grass.

[laughter]

And then we had a mother

transporting water
in a baking tray...

- Yes.
- ...just before looking at you
like she wants you dead.

Yeah, she was crosser with me
than Richard, I think.

If I win by one millimetre,
you'll all stop laughing at me.

You didn't win by one millimetre, Richard.
You got exactly a foot of water in butt B.

- OK.
- Daisy, 12.5 inches.

Next up, it can't be - it is!
It's Johnny and Katherine.

- Will you let me know when the five
minutes is up and then I can move it?
- Of course.

Ah!

Yep.

[Johnny muttering]

Ah, you...!

- How do you feel about your choices?
- Well...

I'm actually doing quite well.

There's actually...

Oh!

[Alex] Oh, no.

Oh, I like the technique, Johnny.

I could probably carry a bucket across
in the time this is taking, couldn't I?

- Probably.
- Yeah, abandon that. It's stupid!

Careful, it'll be a bit slippy round here.

Oh, God!

[he groans]

[he grunts]

Oh!

[Alex] It's good you spotted that.

It was, wasn't it?

- Is that leaking?
- Yeah, it came out. Sorry, I should've...
- It's alright.

That's your five minutes gone,
Katherine.

Just roll it across.

- That's it. Ah!
- What's wrong?

The little bastard.
There's a hole in the bottom.

What am I gonna gain
from moving that to that?

[she grunts]

Whoo!

- If you could just pour it in.
- Pour it in?
- Yeah.

This way? One...

- Remember to lift with your knees.
- Ready?
- Yeah.

Yay!

- It's just all coming out.
- 20 seconds left.

- Do you want me to pick it up?
- Yeah.

- It's quite heavy.
- It doesn't matter, it's all gone.

It's alright.

It's not worth it.

Finished?

- Yeah, I reckon so.
- Yeah.

Was that quite good?

Look, there's hardly
anything in there.

- Well, how much was in this one?
- It was full.

Was it?

Oh.

- Yeah.
- [Greg] Lovely.

Again, quite a contrast.

At one point, Katherine,
she actually said,

"Careful, it's a bit slippy
round here,"

as a warning to herself!

So polite!

And by stark contrast,
Johnny's entire attempt

looked like a deleted scene
from The Shawshank Redemption.

How much water did they manage
to get over there?

Johnny transported ten inches' worth.

- Alright.
- The length of a hedgehog.

Katherine, seven inches,
the length of a young hedgehog.

Right, it's the end of part three.

Ah, what? I told you to put money
in the meter, you clown!

Hello and welcome back
to the last part of the show.

Before the break,
the competitors were trying to get
as much water as possible

from barrel A to barrel B.

Yes, but let's not forget that I kept
pulling out the water-butt-plug.

Finally, grouped on his own,

it's the onesie and only

Mawaan Rizwan.

What?!

Ah! OK.

Er, do you have a hosepipe?

- Yes.
- Yeah, that'd be great.

Er, OK.

- Can I stop the bleeding?
- The bleeding?

- Yeah.
- You could try.

No. No. OK.

- How long has it been?
- Five minutes has gone.

[he grunts]

Why are they so hard to move?

- [laughter]
- Alright, that wasn't part of the plan.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

Cool, man.
This isn't breaking any rules.

It's going from this one
to that one.

[Alex] It's quite unorthodox.

Sorry.

[whistle blows]

- [applause]
- Sorry.

So, so sorry! I'm so sorry!

[Alex] Very sneaky. Very sneaky!

[Greg] Amazing.

Well, A) it's no surprise to me
that a man that thinks that, erm,
ducks have got lips

might think that barrels bleed,

sure, but introducing new water,

that is one fresh idea.

Yeah, the water was going
from barrel A to barrel B.

It's one fresh idea.

It's one fresh idea!
He's got to win, hasn't he?

He does got to win. 16 inches.

- That's up to my knees!
- I really need these points.

[Alex] Five points to Mawaan.

Daisy is second with four points,

Richard third, Johnny fourth,

Katherine, again,
one point and last place.

But Mawaan wins!

You didn't have to say "again".

OK, well, neither of them
have won an episode yet,

but the two leaders are Johnny
with 15 and Mawaan with 18 points!

- [applause]
- [Greg whistles]

Lovely! OK!

Please get yourselves ready
for the final task of the show!

- Hello.
- Hi, Greg.

Who is going to read
this final task out?

- I would like Katherine Parkinson
to read the task.
- KP.

OK. "Draw the animal
named on your card."

Uh-oh. Mawaan may as well
get lost right now!

A fish with lips? Let's do it!

"Each artist may draw
three straight lines on their turn."

"That artist's teammates
may have one guess

after these three lines."

"If the guess is incorrect, the other
team's artist can draw their straight lines."

"You may not speak or communicate
with your teammates in any way."

"Each team member gets two points
for each team victory."

It's an incremental animal line-draw.

It is an incremental
animal line-draw.

First of all, Katherine and Daisy

are going to draw the animals
on those cards there by the pens.

They have a different animal each.

You'll be doing this three times.
You'll each have a go.
Daisy, you'll be having two goes.

Right, let's cr*ck on with round one.

Katherine, you're first to draw.
Please have a look at your card.

Don't show anyone
or cheat in any way, please.

Three lines,

one guess.

One.

- We're off.
- [indistinct speech]

Is that a beak?

Erm...

Back to your spot, please,
Katherine.

- What animal does this?
- Erm...

Is it a butterfly?

Wings. Wings.

- I'll go with that, mate.
- What are you guessing?
- Butterfly.

It's not a butterfly. Daisy,
your turn to draw three lines.

- [he snorts]
- There it is.

- [Daisy laughs]
- Is it... beaver?

- It is not a beaver.
- OK.

Katherine, your next
three lines, please.

One thick line. OK.

- Thank you, Katherine.
- [Johnny] Pelican.

Not a pelican. Daisy's turn.

This is really hard.

Erm... Mouse!

It is not a mouse.
Your turn, Katherine.

[Mawaan] Wow.

- Camel? It's a camel?
- It is not a camel.

Back to you, Daisy.

[Johnny] Bizarrely, I think
I know what it is.

[Katherine] I think I know what it is.

[Alex] OK. Well, it's looking
like an animal.

- A dog.
- No.

Katherine's turn.

- [Alex] I'm enjoying the speed.
- [Mawaan] That's a mouth!

- Is it a parrot?
- No.

Feels like it's going to be
gettable soon.

[Katherine] It's really abstract.

- Um... Caterpillar?
- No.

Katherine's back on.

She's drawn a triangle.
Your turn to guess!

- Is it a dinosaur?
- Not a dinosaur.
Your turn, Daisy.

[Mawaan] I'm sorry!

[Richard gasps]

- [Alex] Can you remember what
your animal is, Daisy?
- Yes.

- Cat.
- It's not a cat.

Katherine.

- [Mawaan] Bird. Bird.
- One, two...

[Johnny] Right, you've got
one more line left.

Wow, that's cleared it up!

[Mawaan] Yeah, it's a unicorn.

Is it a hummingbird?

It's not a hummingbird.
Your turn, Daisy. Back on.

[Mawaan] I know what it is.

[Alex] What is it, Richard?

[laughter]

[Mawaan] Oh, she's angry.
This is the look she does.

I'm fuming.
I'm apoplectic with rage.

- Hamster!
- Not a hamster.

You've both got the right
class of animal.

Come on, Katherine. You can do this.

- Yeah, come on, Katherine.
- One, two, three.

- What the hell is that?
- [Greg] Oh, God!

- A crown! A guineafowl with a crown.
- It's not a guineafowl!

I think Daisy's getting pretty close
to making that noise we heard
earlier in the show.

Three lines. Do what you want
with them. One, two, three.

- Oh, four!
- Four lines.

- Believe me, it doesn't help.
- It has not helped me at all!

- Richard, what is it?
- Tiger.
- No!

- Katherine, off you go.
- I hate you.

[Johnny] It's the worst
poultry farm in the world!

I actually hate you more
than my husband!

One, two,

three. What do you think it is?

- We think it's a...
- Chicken.

- [whistle blows]
- It is a chicken!

I mean, Jesus Christ!

[Mawaan] I mean, duh! Of course
it's a chicken! Look at that!

Daisy, please tell Richard what it is.

- It's a hippo!
- It's a f*cking thing...!

Here's its eyes and its nose
and it's in this... water!

Do you not think that
that looks like a hippo?

- No!
- I even did the tail!

- I had three...
- I don't know what a
hippo's tail looks like!

It's a small tail!

Only elephants and hippos
have that kind of tail!

I'm looking forward
to doing this again.

You've got two more goes of this.

- Do you think it looks like a hippo?
- No.

[Greg] No. Round two!

[Alex] It's Richard to draw.
Ten seconds and three lines.

Hippo! Sorry.

[laughter]

- Oops.
- Fox.

Not a fox.
Mawaan, your turn.

Mawaan's adopted the Daisy pose.

There we go. Thank you.

What is that?

- [Katherine] Deer.
- Not a deer.

- [Daisy] Horse.
- Not a horse.

[Greg] Good guess, though.

Right then, what's that?

- Giraffe.
- Not a giraffe.

Richard, you're back on.

One, two, three. Lovely.

Giraffe.

Not a giraffe.

Daisy is furious it's not a giraffe.

Mawaan, you're back on. One, two...

...three. Thank you.

- Is it a horse?
- It's not a horse. Richard.

- [Katherine gasps]
- Llama.

It's not a llama.

Mawaan, your turn.

- I think we should go for octopus.
- It's not an octopus.

I can't look at it...

Oh. It wasn't a straight line.

- Straight line, please.
- I'll make that two lines.

Very honest, isn't he?

One lovely line left.

- Oh!
- [overlapping dialogue]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's that, Daisy?

- Alpaca?
- Not an alpaca.

[Katherine] OK, Johnny.
Johnny, say it.

[Johnny] Jellyfish.

- [whistle blows]
- It is a jellyfish!

It's two more points
to the team of three!

- Kangaroo?
- [Alex] And what do you
think? It's a...?

- Kangaroo.
- Kangaroo.

- [Alex] With a little pocket, a little pouch.
- [Katherine] That's a good effort.

You know what? That is a good
effort and I feel bad!

Round three!

It's Johnny to draw.
Please go and look at your card.

Good luck, Johnny.

Straight lines, please, Johnny!

- Oh, yeah.
- [Greg] Straight lines, Johnny.

- I mean... There he was, mocking me!
- Sorry. Sorry.

Straight lines.

- Amoeba.
- It's not an amoeba.
Your turn to draw, Daisy.

Have a good look at your card.

- Elephant!
- Not an elephant.

You're back on, Johnny.

Oh...

- [Greg] Oh, lovely.
- A whale.

Not a whale.
Your turn, Daisy.

- [Richard] Wolf.
- Quick but wrong. Not a wolf.

Daisy's furious.

One, two, three.

It's a bit curved, that line, but we'll
let you off on this occasion.

- A robin?
- A robin? No.
- [Mawaan whispers]

Daisy, your turn.

[Greg] Lovely.

- Anteater.
- [whistle blows]
- [Alex] It is an anteater!

It was a dolphin, with the
water spraying up.

[Greg] A lovely dolphin.

They have rescued two points.

- [Richard] We're back.
- [Greg] That's the end of the competition.

Come down here,
we'll add up the final scores!

- I'm back.
- Exciting times.

- Yes.
- [Greg laughs]

Hot competition.

But in the end, the team of three
got four points each.
Daisy and Richard, two points each.

Which means, at the end of this
episode, we have a brand-new winner.

- Mawaan Rizwan!
- Yeah!

- Finally!
- [applause]

Ah!

Mawaan wins!

Please go and nestle amongst
your narcissistic nuggets!

[applause]

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that in Britain,

we're lucky that we can enjoy
culinary experiences
from all around the world.

Why, just last week,
I went to a restaurant with friends

and when I asked for the bill,
I was served a delicious plate
of duck's lips.

That's six down, four to go.
But for now, here's tonight's winner,

once more, it's Mawaan!