10x04 - Toshwash

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language,

and was recorded in accordance with
all social distancing guidelines

in place at the time of filming.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SCREAMS GIBBERISH

LOUD STATIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.

Welcome back to our light-hearted
entertainment show,

a place where talented comedians
prove there's more to them

than just raising a smile -
or, as I call it,

THE THEATRE OF PAIN!

You want... HE LAUGHS

You want to win my golden head?

Well, this is where you pay
the ferry man.

And he's drunk on
his own power, baby!

OK, good. We're ready.

Our players are Daisy May Cooper!
APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas! APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson! APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan! APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring! APPLAUSE

And here, a jittery, feral man
with a bearded protuberance

he calls a face.

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

Thank you. All right?

I'm all right. A bit wistful.
Oh. Why so?

Why so? Well, I sort of
realised recently,

I think I've only got one item left
on my bucket list.

Right, what is it?

Riding a horse naked and galloping
up the high street of my hometown,

holding a sword.

LAUGHTER

Right, prize task. Yes, please.

And this week's category is one
we've long been hankering for.

It's the cheekiest food.
Ooh, cheeky!

Yes, we've gone big-time.

The person that's brought in the
cheekiest food will get five points,

and the winner
at the end of the show

will take home five cheeky foods.

Good luck explaining THAT
to your partner!

Katherine, hello. Hi.

What's your cheekiest food?

I thought I'll make, erm,
a cake in the shape of...

GREG GASPS

..a bum. All right.

That's home-made,
spectacular bum cake.

I'll be honest, I was intending
to spend longer on this cake.

And then time ran out and
I went to a well-known cake shop,

and got a small pistachio
and rose cake, and cut it...

And then you just put a line down
the middle of it? Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Richard. Can you b*at Katherine?

Well, I thought -
immediately thought of beef cheeks.

Here are his beef cheeks.
Strap in, veggies. Wow.

They are literally... They're
the cheekiest food you can get,

because they are... Do you see?
They're literally cheeks.

They're literally the cheeks
of a creature. Oh, God!

MAWAAN: I'm very triggered
right now. Yeah?

I need to leave. Yeah.

I don't blame you, I want to leave.

Johnny, anything more cheeky than
the severed face of an animal?

Well, it's heavily buttered bread.
Yeah.

And an overfilled Pot Noodle.

And using the bread
to mop up the gravy...

Oh, I feel a bit sick.

..from the pot noodle. Here it is.

GROANING

MAWAAN: That looks more like
an arse than your cake.

LAUGHTER

But when you were lowering
that into your mouth

like the saddest of fish...

LAUGHTER

..I put it to you that at no point
did you think to yourself,

"Cheeky."

No, this is where the cheeky
element comes in. Yeah?

I said to my son,
"Do you want a Sunday lunch?"

And he walked in
as I was pulling the bread -

and I thought, now is the point
of going, do I cry? Yeah?

And tell him that I've just had
a job cancelled? Yeah?

Or do I go, "Cheeky"?

LAUGHTER

There's nothing cheeky about it.

Mawaan. Yeah.

Can you do something
that is correct? Yes.

This is the cheekiest,
cheekiest food you'll ever eat.

It's lentils and rice
in a Tupperware.

Here it is. OK.

LAUGHTER

But it is cheeky because...

..it's my housemate's lunch
and I stole it.

And, as I did that,
I made this face.

KATHERINE: Oh!
Look at his cheeky face.

Thieving... cheeky, thieving face.

And I put a little
curry leaf in there -

ooh, cheeky bit of flavour.

Naughty. Erm, Daisy? Cheeky?

Billy Bear ham. One slice.
JOHNNY GASPS

Here it is. A solitary slice.

LAUGHTER

And if you look actually into it,

it looks like a frog's been
sh*t in the nose.

Oh, my God, that's really good.

I'll tell you why it's cheeky.
Yeah, do.

Cos it's kind of disguising
itself as a ham.

Yeah, that's cheeky.

I'll tell you what else is cheeky,
it's the shades of it.

But I still fall for the guy every
time I walk past the deli counter.

It's a twist to...
When I first saw it, I thought

you were going to tell me that you
feed it to your child. Mm-hm.

Now that I know it's you eating it,
it feels less cheeky. Yeah.

Hey, listen, all of these have been
a step up from previous attempts.

The winner is going to get
five amazing prizes tonight.

At least they're interesting.

I'm sorry, it was heartbreaking,
not cheeky.

One point - Johnny Vegas. What?

One point to Johnny. Right.

In fourth place? It's not cheeky.

Two points to Daisy. Oh...

Three points, I'm going to give it
to the severed face.

Richard - three points.
Three points to Richard.

And the reason why Katherine gets
four points is because hers

is literally cheeky... and cheeky.
MAWAAN: Combination, fair enough.

Four points to her. But the winner,

cos of his cheeky face,
and because of the cheeky act...

You naughty boy!

Five points. Mawaan Rizwan!

Five points, you cheeky devil!
Ho-ho-ho!

Let's get on. Task! Yes, please.

And this one sees us all
hanging out in the locker room!

WOLF WHISTLE

All right, Alex? Yes. How are you?

I'm good. This is a bit foreboding.

It's like a horror film.

Which one? Erm... The...

..The Scary Thing In The Locker.

Phone.

"Make this phone ring."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

Daisy, do you know that sometimes
when you read a task out,

you look like you're discovering
language for the first time.

LAUGHTER

Right, who's first? Well, they've
got to find an -digit number.

There's thousands of lockers there.

We're going to start off with
Mawaan and Richard.

Basically, I want to go into
Settings, and then be, like,

"ring tone" and
just play the ring tone.

All right, well, this says " ,"
and is a key.

Where's the bloody ring tone thing?

HE SIGHS

Oh! I'm so stupid!

I'm going to call me, and then,
I'll get the number. Why...?

What? Yeah, there's no credit
on that phone.

There's no credit on the phone?

No, you can call it,
but it can't call you.

OK, that's a red herring.

" ." !

There's nothing in here
that says " ".

Yeah, that's been there
the whole time.

Why didn't you tell me that, Alex?

Let me have another look.

" ."

You tricked me!

Well, this could be a locker...

..and the key works.

Thank you, OK.

OK.

BOTH: "Two down, across."

Nine, ten, , , ...

Oh... wait, what number was that?

Oh, sh*t. What's happening?

I just forgot - I was counting,
and then, I just stopped counting.

"This locker, plus ."

.

, . OK.

Yes. .

"This locker, plus ."

What the hell is this? Hello?

WALKIE-TALKIE: Two. Huh?

... .

Well, it's and... take away .

.

and... .

BOTH: "Last locker is
the first locker."

"Channel ." Channel .

He-ha! OK.

WALKIE-TALKIE: Three. Four.

Hello, is anyone there?

Hello, can you please...?
Hello, hi?

WHISPERING OVER WALKIE-TALKIE:

Nine, five, six...

WHISPERS: That was really creepy.

.

"Last locker is the first locker."

So, the last locker is the first...

So, the first locker is
the last locker. OK.

Whoa!

HE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

That's the scary thing! Three cocks.

Er, three chickens. OK.

Is that relevant?

Three French hens?

That's not a phone number.

, , .

Three - three chickens!

... ?

Three.

PHONE RINGS

That was so bad.

PHONE RINGS

It's a good ring tone.

Thank you, Richard.
Thank you very much.

Well done. Thanks. APPLAUSE

They got there. Pretty quick.
Not bad.

Interesting contrast
between you men.

The way I saw the whole thing
was a young man acting on impulse,

following his gut instinct
to track down the numbers.

And then,
just this old maths teacher...

LAUGHTER

..doing long division.

Yeah, Mawaan did spend a long time
in the beginning trying to work

his youthful way through the phone.
Is that correct? Yeah.

I mean, it's all relative, isn't it?

Comparatively, yeah,
I'm really young.

LAUGHTER

Richard, you used the phrase
"red herring" at one point. I did.

I thought that must be
a difficult phrase for you.

Because here, there was literally
a... There was a red herring. Yeah.

And also, sometimes we've seen you,
like, when you were pulling yourself

around on a boat,
all huffing and puffing...

..with your big dad-arse out.

Right, I was thinking about...
That was also a red Herring.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to reveal which
of the two generations was faster?

Richard, ten minutes exactly.

Mawaan, minutes
and seven seconds.

Oh! Ah! APPLAUSE

Yeah. The old man takes the lead.
Very interesting.

Maybe you have got something
to learn.

Uh-oh, who's next?

Uh-oh, it's Katherine and Daisy.
Lovely.

, and a key.

Oh.

Why has that got " "
written on it?

" "...

Aha. Aha! "Two down, across."

, , , , , , , ...

Ah! "This locker, plus ."

WALKIE-TALKIE: Three.

Hello? Four. Yeah, what...?

LOUD STATIC

God! That was loud.

+ equals...

BOTH: !

Aha!

"Last locker is the first locker."

Does that mean this last locker
or the last locker I did?

Hello?

WALKIE-TALKIE: Two. Three.

Huh?

What did you say? Hello?

What am I doing? I don't understand.

"Channel !"

Is that the channel on
the walkie-talkie?

Four. Hello?

WHISPERING OVER WALKIE-TALKIE:
Nine... five... six.

That sounds like a ghost.

Hello?

WHISPERING OVER WALKIE-TALKIE:
Nine... five... six.

I think that was a poltergeist.

Right, let's just figure this out.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, gosh.

I just wasn't expecting that.

That's not a number.

" ."

We'll just go through all
the numbers. OK.

♪ On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me, five... ♪

Sorry, we'll have to do this.
# Gold rings... ♪

I don't know it off by heart.

DIAL TONE

No.

So, the last number's three.

My God, this might work.

" ."

PHONE RINGS

Yes! KATHERINE LAUGHS

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, I really... Finally...

I know I won't have won,
but I got there.

I got there.
Oh, yeah, you got there.

APPLAUSE

We couldn't see two more
contrasting characters, really.

One largely poised,
Agatha Christie-type character,

even at one point responding
to a phone call like this...

LAUGHTER

..and a lunatic toddler.

LAUGHTER

They were very different.

They had very different methods
of finding that last number.

And Katherine's method -
she saw three French hens,

so she sang the whole
Christmas carol

till she got back down
to three French hens.

And then chose the number three?
Yeah, that was...

..embarrassing. Whereas Daisy was
far quicker than Catherine. Ohh!

minutes, -
second place at the moment.

minutes, -
last place at the moment.

Oh, my God, it's all over
the place, this. God.

And that, my friends,
is the end of part one.

DEAL WITH IT!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the start of part two,
isn't it, young Alex?

ALEX SIGHS

I suppose so.
What? What do you mean?

I don't know. What do I know? I'm
just the assistant, aren't I? Tut!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

SOFTLY: Alex. Hey. Look at me.

MENACINGLY: Pull yourself together,
or I'll take everything from you.

Everything? Everything.

LAUGHTER OK.

On we go.

Last to figure out the locker
challenge, in the hope of making

the phone ring - it's Johnny Vegas!

So, what's the...?
No, don't do that, cos I'll come

back and read it again, going,

"Make this phone ring,
not shove it up your arse

"and pretend you're going
through customs."

"Make this phone ring" -
so I need another phone to...

Well, it's obviously not going
to ring this, is it?

I'll get something else.
PHONE BEEPS

The number you have dialled
has not been recognised.

No, course it's not.

!

, , ...

Doesn't go up to , does it?!

Johnny, it's probably worth reading
the task one more time.

Yeah, I would, Alex, but it's gone
down the back of my leg, hasn't it?

How did it get down there?

I tucked it in the back of my pants,
cos I thought I might need it again,

cos I knew you were going to advise
me again because, once again,

I haven't read it properly.

HE GASPS

.

No, that's not it!
It's just a number, isn't it?

LINE BEEPS
No, that's taking me back...

HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

HE GROANS

Right...

HE GASPS

What, eh?

Right, what do I do with it?
That's a walkie-talkie.

Hello?

"This locker," , "plus ."

.

"Last locker is the first locker."

Is there another key in there?

Yeah, . Mm.

Oh, God, yeah! Maybe there...

There WAS a key, wasn't...?
No, that was a...

I don't know...

Do you want... do you want a hug?

Yes, please! Just a little one.

Please! There was no key in there.

I've only got a key,
but that was from the key to there.

There's nothing there!

I can't, I...

HE GASPS

"Channel !"

HE GASPS LOUDLY Ohh!

OHH!

WALKIE-TALKIE: Two. Three. Four.

Hello? Hello?

WHISPERING OVER WALKIE-TALKIE:
Nine. Five. Six.

Wh-What's got to do with...?

Oh, I see.

LAUGHTER

What is that again?
WHISPERING: Nine. Five. Six.

NINE ?!

You've really got to be clear,
cos it sounds like a five.

But I think it's a nine.

Now, stop rasping
and say it clearly, please!

WHISPERING: Nine. Five. Six.

Do you see?! There is no !

Sorry, this might be it.

I'm opening .

So, Johnny, why have you opened ?

I'm just storing my stuff in there,
Alex.

There's absolutely nothing
to do with what...

"The last locker is the..."

Oh!

OHH!

Three chickens.

Come on, erm, three hens... Yeah.

Cock-a-doodle...
no, that's not a number!

Got a belly on, cos he's French?

The dialling code for France?

I don't know what relates to,
like...

Three. Three.

The number three.

That was it?!

... Ohh!

...

... ...

...

.

Have you pressed
the dialling button?

You've got to push the green button.
Oh, yeah.

I genuinely
think it's a network issue.

Look, no service! LAUGHTER

Oh, that is true,
you haven't got any service.

"Don't think you've pressed
the green button, Johnny."

You want to borrow my phone, Johnny?

PHONE RINGS

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER I have... nothing...!

I don't know... he...

I've never had my world
so instantly implode.

I've never seen anyone go through
such a range of emotions -

and characters!

It was like my own version
of Inception.

LAUGHTER

It just got worse... and worse.

You also said "cock-a-doodle" -

and I presume you were going
for "cock-a-doodle-two".

LAUGHTER

Heartbreaking. Do you want
to get into times now, or...?

Well, I can tell you Richard was the
fastest, with ten minutes exactly.

So, five points to Richard.

Daisy next, with minutes, .

Four points.
Mawaan, third. Katherine, fourth.

But just under half an hour,
Johnny gets one point.

He was nine minutes slower
than everyone else.

Can we see the scoreboard, Alex?
We can.

I can also tell you that there are
joint leaders in the series

at the moment. GREG GASPS

Daisy and Richard both have
points.

RICHARD WHISTLES

OK? Wow. But in THIS episode...
there's joint leaders, as well.

And this time, it's Richard
and Mawaan, with eight points.

Have a look at this.

OK. Lovely.

APPLAUSE

Two different generations,
top of the pile.

I quite fancy a team task, Alex.
Do you have one? Yes!

No. Well, yes, but... sort of no.

It's sort of...
Well, here it is, Greg.

After you. Thanks. Oh, look.

Ooh.

JOHNNY: Oh-ho-ho-ho!

When my mum wasn't well,
I used to sell and collect

her Avon in a bag like this.

Really? Might be my time to shine.

"Secretly put something
that looks amazing in your bag.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

What does that mean?

I know exactly where I'm going,
and I know what I want.

So, we're not working together? No.

JOHNNY: No, no, no!
This is MY choice. Come on.

OK, I'm going to take my bag inside.

Something that looks amazing...
into my bag.

So it was a team task,
but this time, Greg,

they're not playing together -
they're against each other.

I understood that. Yes.

Richard took seconds.

Daisy took the full ten minutes.

We're going to see them together
first of all,

with what happened next. Lovely.

DAISY: Who IS that guy?

Thank you. I'll open the task,
that might...

Er, "Persuade the security guard
to look in your bag."

He's a security guard. Oh.

"You may describe
what is in your bag,

"but you must not say
what is in your bag.

"You must stay on your spot at all
times, and you must not reveal

"the contents of your bag
at any point..."

Oh, my...
"Starting with the tallest person.

"The tallest person can start
talking in seconds from now."

How tall are you, Daisy?
I think you're taller than me.

Five-eight-and-a-half.
How tall are you?

I mean, you know... let's say ' ".

LAUGHTER

So, Daisy, you'll speak first.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Daisy. What's your name?
Richard. Richard?

I guarantee you, the thing that is
in this bag is something that

you will never have seen before
in your entire life. Really?

And I think, as a security guard...
you've seen some things.

I've seen some things, yes.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Richard. Hello, Richard.

I'm also called Richard. Hello.

So, you know,
we've got something in common.

Probably not much, but carry on. OK.
LAUGHTER

Do you like looking at people
with no clothes on? Yes. Yeah? Yes.

You should definitely look
in my bag, you know...

WHISTLE BLOWS Ooh. Daisy.

Do you have a wife? Yes.
She's going to watch this,

and she's going to know
that you wanted to look at

something that's rude.

And if I was your wife,
I'd be absolutely livid.

WHISTLE BLOWS

But, Richard, remember,
you're a security guard,

and it's your job to look in bags.
WHISTLE BLOWS

In my bag -
this is me being honest, right?

WHISTLE BLOWS

She hasn't even said what's in
there. I've told you what's in mine.

It's great, does exactly
what it says on the tin.

It's a beautiful thing, as well.

And we don't even know what -
we haven't even got a clue

what Daisy's got in there.
WHISTLE BLOWS

What's your favourite
type of hummus?

My favourite type of...?

WHISTLE BLOWS

I mean, this woman is not
a woman of the people.

No-one's got
a favourite type of hummus.

Your wife will be very pleased
with you if you look in my bag,

and you will get the wonderful
thrill of seeing some bare flesh.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Richard.
Thank you, Daisy.

Please leave your bags
in the bandstand and head

back to the house. Good luck.

It was an absolute pleasure
meeting you, my love.

Thrilled to meet you, and I mean
that. She's not allowed to talk

to him now! I was obeying the rules.
She's just saying goodbye, Richard.

Well, she's buttering up the...

RICHARD LAUGHS

See you somewhere else.
Come on, that's not on!

Look in my bag, and you'll get
everything you need. Call me.

Bye, Richie!

Bye, Dickie!

THEY LAUGH

Wow. Wow. Yes.

APPLAUSE

Well, this is very interesting.

I put it to you there's some naked
hypocrisy going on during that.

Your initial plan was to make,
A, Richard seem like a pervert.

Sure, there are those
who might think he is.

And then, initially... you suggest
that Richard's disgusting

for offering up lascivious goods.

Well, no, first of all,

I'm disgusted
that he thinks he's ' ".

LAUGHTER

Then you try and guilt Richard
the security guard into not go to

his bubbling cauldron of filth
that's Richard's bag,

because he's got a wife.

Daisy took a moral high ground.

Yeah. And then...

..I mean, let's say it as it is -
tried to get off with him.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Well, this is what Richard
the security guard thought.

What did you think
of Richard's argument?

Erm, absolute toshwash,
unless it's a circus act.

But I don't know.

And Daisy said you've never seen
anything like it before.

Unlikely, but I'm intrigued.

Which bag were you most persuaded
to look in?

I think Daisy's.

Unbelievable.

Weird.

STATUE SHATTERS

And that's what men get
if they're drawn against the rocks

by a wicked temptress.

Do we think he fancied Daisy?
I think there was... A little bit.

Of course he did! He was drawn
onto the rocks by your siren call,

and what did he get for it?
He got the head of a baby.

With a, sort of, cactus
growing out of it.

Yeah, with a horrible plant
growing out of its head.

MAWAAN: It's classic mythology,
isn't it? It is.

It is! LAUGHTER

It will be ultimately.

Right! HE LAUGHS

You think YOU'RE having a bad day?

What about poor old part two?

Without a second thought, it's gone
and been replaced with a new,

younger, more supple part three.

The state of our world! He-he-he!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello there, and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

We're right in the middle of a task,

and it's all about the power
of persuasion.

Yes, we've seen the team of two,
so all that's left is to see

the team of Mawaan, Johnny,
and Katherine!

WHISTLE BLOWS
What's your name? Richard.

Richard, look, I can tell you're
a guy who has hopes and aspirations,

and dreams, you know?

You can project your
hopes and feelings onto this

canvas of an object.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Hi, Richard. Hello.

I fell upon this really quite
amazing precious piece of art.

Do you like art? Yes.
Er, would you be, erm...

Do you like...? WHISTLE BLOWS

When you pull out what's in my bag,
we'll have stuff to discuss.

We may end up hugging,
we might end up crying.

It's up to you. But I'm here.

If you want to explore me,
come and explore.

But if not, get back on Tinder.
WHISTLE BLOWS

You're going to be telling your
grandkids about this.

This is so out there,
but at the same time, so... in there,

it's going to change you.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Richard, as a woman,
I've had to fight battles that

I don't think these guys
have had to fight.

For once, you should look
in the woman's bag.

Give the woman the chance.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I don't have to sell it, mate.

I actually don't WANT you
to look in me bag.

I'm embarrassed
about what's in me bag.

I'm ashamed about what's in me bag.
So don't look in it.

WHISTLE BLOWS
All right, talk to the hand.

When I was a kid, Richard,
I performed for my parents.

I would put a little play together,
and they didn't clap,

and ever since then, I sort of
set out on a life where external

validation meant everything.

WHISTLE BLOWS
So for you to look in this...

You're clearly a man of taste.

You're bound to like what I've got,
because it's more in the, kind of,

Antiques Roadshow sort of area...
Oh!

..in terms of... Insult.

That wasn't - no, no, no,
that's not what I was saying.

That's the sort of show I like,

and if you're into objets d'art...
WHISTLE BLOWS

I've been hurt.
And I want to hurt others.

And if you're any good at your job,

mine's the bag
that you want to go through.

Because you know that I want
to inflict the kind of injury

that's been put on me. Cos if
I'm paying for it, they should too.

WHISTLE BLOWS
ALEX: OK, thanks, guys.

If you could leave your bags there
and head back in the directions

in which you came. Goodbye.

JOHNNY: Do what feels right.
Make the right choice, Richard.

I'm going to light a cigarette
in a really mean and moody way.

But, you know...
you do what feels right.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, man. Whoo! OK, all right.

APPLAUSE

Katherine played
a female empowerment card. Mm-hm.

You said you've had to struggle
more than the two men that are

with you, and certainly you're
standing up for all of womankind.

And what I admire about it is,
after you made that point,

you didn't try and get off with him.

LAUGHTER

Mawaan, your initial thing
was quite sweet.

"You're a man with hopes
and aspirations, and dreams."

I don't want to cast aspersions
about Richard, I don't know him,

but I suspect he hasn't.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I was somewhat sobered up
by Johnny's

"if you want to explore me,
come and explore me".

I tried the reverse psychology of,
I'm a danger, and it's his duty -

his moral duty -
to look in my bag.

Oh. Ready to see what the security
guard thought? Yeah. Here we go.

What do you think of Mawaan?

No. Too much flannel.

What about Katherine?

I thought she was playing
on the female angle and...

..it was just too much.

What about Johnny?
I like the sound of it.

I like the way
he was trying to sell it -

or wasn't trying to sell it,
should I say.

Do you like what you've found?

Whatever is THAT?

It's a bird cage
with some cuddly toys in.

Oh, dear.

JOHNNY: I just made it dark.

And security guards are attracted
to the... the unknown.

So, what do you want to do
points-wise, Greg?

These two people were the ones
who persuaded him.

Five points each. Five points each,
and zero over here.

There we go. Zero?

Johnny and Daisy! APPLAUSE

I'd like another task, though,
please! Rightio.

Here's one that involves
a balloon and a contraption.

DAISY: Oh, God.

Now, this...

It just looks like something
I could do some damage with.

What is this?

Is it a stretcher?

For wounded people.

No, you know, when you get stretched
when you're not the right height

as a child?

"Drop this water balloon
from the greatest height

"without it bursting."

"You may not damage
the water balloon or remove

"any water from it."

"You have ten minutes
and one attempt."

"Your time starts now."

It'll be me operating the winch.
OK. When you're ready.

I'm going to winch it up, and you
can tell me when to stop it. Right.

It goes up
to seven-and-a-half metres.

Oh, well, it's just a gamble,
isn't it?

I'll find something for it
to land on. Hopefully.

I've got to go and look in the shed.
OK.

I mean, I understand the task.
I understand the task.

Looking forward to see it.

I'll briefly ask Katherine
if she grew up in medieval times.

Look, I grew up in the ' s,

and Sarah Jane in the other class
was stretched.

LAUGHTER On a machine?

As far as I know, on a machine
that looked very like that one.

The girl who had to be stretched.

So... First up, and I mean first up,
it's Mawaan,

and he's up first.

Can I do a few tests
with other balloons?

You've got nine minutes.

OK. I've got a model balloon.

Oh, this is easy, I reckon I can go,
like, maximum height.

First test.

So, I can't go very high. OK.

Was that the wrong way to test it?

Cos I threw it up,
so maybe it was added pressure.

We'll try again.

You've got hot water in it? Yeah.

I mean, it does a different thing
every time, man.

OK, this is the tallest
I'm going to go.

And it'll just drop it like this.

Yeah. We're going this high.

Is that one worse? Yeah. Yeah.

.

OK, now we're in the danger zone.

Can I get two-and-a-half more
centimetres? Yes, you can.

Nailed it.

You feeling confident? Uh-huh.

Please count me down from five.

Five, four, three...

BIRD CAWS ..two, one.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

APPLAUSE

Did it break? No.

But it was close,
which makes me think...

..I've nailed it.

APPLAUSE

Pleased with that? Yeah.

Lot of logical thinking
went on there.

And I even, like, recreated the...
"wheew" with my hands. Yeah.

Wheew! He never once touched
the balloon. Interesting.

Didn't want to f*ck
with the specimen, innit? Yeah.

Let's see who's going to b*at
Mawaan first.

Well... next up, it's Richard.

Will we also see him HERRING
on the side of caution?

Oh, get lost, mate. Ohh. No? Really?
Get lost. Here it is.

They're quite attractive cushions.
They're nice.

Will they deaden the fall?

I mean, the bricks aren't sharp,
but they've got a little corner.

I think it should be all right.

And then, I could put these round
the edge, in case it bounces off.

Let's just go for it.
Let's see what happens.

You want me to get into my
winching position? Yes, please.

Winch it up! I'll tell you
when I feel comfortable.

I'm comfortable.

Oh, it does look quite pregnant,

now I look at it bobbling around
on there.

Keep going? How high is it now?

Three metres. Let's go to .

That's a long way, isn't it?
That's too far.

That's metres .

OK. Let's try it from there.
I think it's going to burst.

You think it's going to burst?
Step back a bit.

You understand the task, though?
I do, yeah. OK.

Richard, please count us down
from five.

Five, four, three, two, one,
don't burst!

APPLAUSE

It worked perfectly! Very exciting.

It bounced out of a bin of bricks.
Yeah. Thank you, Richard.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Bye.

APPLAUSE

I don't really understand.
It was a bin of bricks.

Well, they were foam bricks. Oh!

KATHERINE: Did you not realise?
No!

LAUGHTER

I thought he'd lost his mind.

You didn't say
they were rubber bricks.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Still remarkable they didn't break.
They did have sharp edges.

It's not AS remarkable,
now I know they're rubber!

But the bin had sharp edges,
so he had to make it land in

exactly the spot. It did.

The height was Albert Einstein
standing on Rihanna,

or two Jason Stathams -
Jason Statham, Jason Statham -

' ".

Lovely work. Whatever.

Unlucky, Mawaan. No, it's just...

No need to be clever about it,
Richard.

Only one part left to win

Katherine Parkinson's
awful bum cake.

So, do hurry back!

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to the final
instalment of today's Taskmaster.

Yes, and don't mind me. Before the
break, the contestants

were trying to achieve the highest
distance to drop a water balloon

from without it bursting. Brave
Mawaan dropped it from

around the height of a person,
meaning we could have saved a day's

hire on our expensive winch system.

Rich is currently in the lead
with his score of m .

But can it be beaten?

Last up, we're going to see
Katherine Parkinson,

Johnny Vegas, Daisy May... and Cooper
all have their attempts.

Shall we have a look and see if we
can find something to clothe it in?

Who's "we"? You and me.

Reverse childbirth.

You know what I'm actually going to
do? I'm going to see if I can get

the balloon and you to land without
being hurt. And me?

Yeah. Vengeance. DAISY MAY: How long
do I have? You've only got

five minutes, now.
You can run a bath in five minutes.

Can you hold that for me?
Keep that running for a minute.

High heels! High heels!

I mean, the question is, shall
we just go for quite a big height?

You keep saying "we".

DAISY MAY: How long now?
You've got one minute .

Oh, that wasn't very much.
Johnny, I'm not going up there.

There's a release mechanism.

It doesn't matter if you wear heels
or not? I can wear the heels.

How long? seconds.

You know what? Just for the hell of
it, put the shoes on. OK.

You'd like me to raise your balloon
up? Yes, please.

That's it. Walk like a lady.

Up we go. Up we go.

Can you really go higher
than the house?

I mean, I have no idea.

I have no idea. So we might as well
go as high we can. OK. Go for it.

Don't you think?

That's m. Yeah? Oh, whoa!

All the way. It's all or nothing.

I just think if I'm going to win,
I should go to the full amount,

because some fucker's going to.
Some... Pardon? I'm sorry.

My theory is if people in the States
can jump off massive cranes

into paddling pools, which are,
what, cm of water,

and still don't break
any bones...

And don't look at me like
that, because I have seen it done.

In the States?

Johnny, we're at maximum height.

m seems to be the pinnacle.
OK, I think we should stand back.

Hang on. Can we put something
on the floor to cushion its fall?

You've got four minutes left. Oh!

Oh! It's very high. I know it's
high.

But I'm too far gone, now.

This could be - it could be the end,

because it might hit that and then
we might have ruined our chances,

but I'll just add one more cushion.
"We"?

Mine's going to burst, isn't it?
Johnny, would you mind counting me

down from five? Course not, Alex.

Five, four...

Three, two.

Release the balloon!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER Agh!

Aaagh!

APPLAUSE

Yes!

SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe it!

Come on, come on.

She's OK? She's fine.
Congratulations, Katherine.

Thank you.

The balloon and I are going
for some personal time. Thank you.

Three miracles. I'm genuinely amazed
that all three balloons survived.

Johnny thought I was going to go
up on the mechanism

and come down with the balloon.

Do you really think he was going to
jump off that f*cking winch?

I thought he might,
if I put enough water in the bath.

What's all this massive crane stuff
you've seen in America?

I'm sure it's sort of Deep
South stuff.

Yeah. cm of water, you said.
Even less than that. Paddling pools.

Sorry, you're suggesting
in the Deep South of America,

it's commonly known...

That you pay to see...

Human beings.

Quick. Let's look at the scores.

Yeah, so all three achieved
the maximum height of

. m. Amazing. So, five points
each.

Yes. Yes!

Richard was next, and then Mawaan.

So how many points do you want to
give these two? Oh, come on.

We're all friends now.
Four and three. What?

Very generous.
Four and three. Shut up.

Isn't it a bit endearing that

I totally missed the point of the
task?

You're so close to popping down
to a two.

OK. So, Johnny, Katherine
and Daisy all win the task. Hurray.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Five, five, five, three, four.

Right, we'll have a quick look at
the scores. OK. The scores are in.

Yes, Katherine, Mawaan both have
. Johnny and Richard both have .

But the leader at this stage is
Daisy with points. Yes, please.

APPLAUSE

All to play for. Right, please make
your way to the stage for the final

task of the show!

Ooh! Oh! Curiouser
and curiouser. Thank you.

Would you like Mawaan Rizwan to
read the task? Yes, I would, Mawaan.

"Roll an edible
sphere across the finish line.

"The person whose edible sphere
crosses the finish line first,

"each round, is eliminated.

"If your edible sphere stops
moving before the finishing line,

"you are eliminated.

"Slowest edible sphere roller wins."

So just to explain it,
you've got to keep your pipes

behind the red line at all times.
You've got to stay on your spots

all the time. And your edible
spheres must cross

the green finishing line.

If it doesn't cross the line,
you're out.

If your sphere crosses it first,
you're out. So, it's round one.

Please select an edible sphere and
thrust it towards the Taskmaster.

Interesting. It's apple, apple,
apple, tomato, apple.

You must release it on the whistle.
We will be hot on that.

Remember, if they stop moving,
you're out. Good luck, everyone.

Three, two, one. Let's roll.

Oh, oh. Are they going to cross?
Are they going to cross?

Oh! Ooh!

One didn't cross. Richard Herring is
out from round one.

Please cradle your fruit,
just to show that you're out.

Please select your
next edible sphere

and thrust it towards
the Taskmaster.

That's me. Oh, sorry.

This time,
tomato, orange, orange, kiwi.

OK, on the whistle, please.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Off we go. Oh, lovely.

Oh...

It's going to be... Oh. Oh.

The kiwi first!

If this crosses,

we've lost Mawaan Rizwan.

Please lower your pipe
and cradle your edible spheres.

JOHNNY: I like this.

It's quite soothing to watch.

Three left, Greg.
Please select another edible sphere

and thrust it towards the
Taskmaster. Thrust it this way.

Scotch egg, tomato, Scotch egg.

Thank you. I've observed them.
Play on.

On the whistle, please release.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Off they go.

You've got to give it... No.

They can't stop, they mustn't stop.

They mustn't... Oh! Oh!

God!

Oh!

Greg...

Daisy's Scotch egg
did not cross the line.

It also stopped moving
at the very start. OK.

She is gone. OK.
We've reached the final.

Please select your final
edible sphere

and thrust it towards
the Taskmaster.

Lovely. Kiwi, excellent choice.

Kiwi plays...?

Dare she? Dare she?

She dare!

Kiwi versus tomato, Greg. My God.

They must not stop rolling.

It's never been seen before!

Not kiwi versus tomato!

It's f*cking madness!

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Lovely. The roll's on.

They are rolling.

They must not stop rolling.

Oh. Oh... Oh.

Oh, stewards...

And they must cross
the finishing line.

Go on, go on, go on, go on! No!

Yes! We have a winner. Wow.

Very good. Take a seat.

And the country is on its feet.

Please join me down here
and we'll add up the final scores!

What a finale.
Well, he did win the battle.

He didn't win the w*r, though. No.

We now have an outright
leader of the series

and she has also now won
two episodes on the trot.

With points in this episode,
the winner

is Daisy May Cooper again!

Wow.

Incredible.

There you go, look at that.

I'm shocked. I'm... more shocked
than anyone else here.

Yes, thank you very much.
Daisy May Cooper wins.

Go and gloat over your cheeky food!

So, what have we learned today?

If you ever find yourself
in a challenging situation

and you can't get
the result you want,

get yourself to the
Deep South of America,

cos there's a guy there who
every day

has to jump off a crane
into a paddling pool.

Every day,

allegedly.

That's a wrap for four.

Halfway point next time,

but for now,
let's hear it for Daisy May Cooper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

NO SPEECH AUDIBLE