10x07 - Legit Glass

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language, and was recorded

in accordance with all social
distancing guidelines

in place at the time of filming.

TITTERING

PING

INCOHERENT YELLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome
to the opening link

for another episode of Taskmaster.

Like all good sporting competitions,

you're about to see
a group of athletes

go head-to-head
in a series of challenges

until one of them proves themself
to be the very best.

Unlike regulated sport,

there are no restrictions
on performance-enhancing dr*gs.

Here at Taskmaster,
we have a simple mantra -

if it makes them more entertaining,

let them gobble on illegals
until the cows come home.

LAUGHTER

So, here they are!
Five pumped-up roid-heads,

on the edge of
mental and physical collapse.

Daisy May Cooper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan!

And Richard Herring!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, next to me,
it's the one and only,

the brilliant, the talented,
the charming...

SQUEAKS: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Greg.
That's all right. Very kind.

I... Oh, I'm so sorry.

Sorry, there's been a mix-up.

That was the script
for my godson's wedding.

Sorry, I'll just do that bit again.

Here we are, and next to me

is a man who once
did a poo in a paddling pool.

LAUGHTER

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Greg.

Right. Let's get on with it,
though, shall we?

I wish that you would tell me
what the prize category is.

Granted!
Today, it's a rather special one

which I know is close
to a lot of people's hearts.

Yes, it's the best thing that is
bigger at the top than the bottom.

Like a funnel.

So, the person who's brought in
the best thing

that is bigger at the top than the
bottom will get five mega points,

and, at the end of the show,
the overall winner will take home

some seriously top-heavy prizes.
Lovely. Thank you.

I am going to start with...
little Richard Herring.

Ah, thank you.
What thing have you brought in?

It is a Cornetto.

Mm. Good. LAUGHTER

It tapers down to a point.
It's a tapered ice cream all right.

Have you been talking to Daisy
about how to choose prizes for this?

LAUGHTER

I just went literal, I went
what's bigger and better than...

I couldn't really think of anything.

Yeah. Fine, so you had a little chat
with Daisy.

She said, just fall into your
kitchen, grab the first thing...

Grab the first thing that you can,
and get one point!

Yeah. Good.

Daisy. This could be
the first time

that you're not the worst
at this round.

I have brought in a cotton bud

wearing a pirate's hat
made out of a face wipe.

LAUGHTER

Yes, she's made this for you.

LAUGHTER

You've upped your game.

Do you think? Yes!

I call it Captain Budwash.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it is what it is. No,
that is true, I've confirmed that.

It is what it is.

LAUGHTER

I get your strategy. It's...

It's not to focus on round one,
I get it.

LAUGHTER

Johnny, what have you brought in
to b*at those two?

It's a huge part of everyone's life.

Where would we be without it?

It's a toilet.

LAUGHTER Here it is.

He has genuinely brought in
a toilet.

It's bigger at the top
than it is at the bottom.

Otherwise it would be a suppository.

And did you genuinely bring
this in from home?

I genuinely brought that in from
home, and I'm not happy with it,

because them smaller tanks,

I have to flush it four times
to shift anything.

GROANING

Listen, you're preaching to
the converted. I'm a four-flush man.

Well, I've got a couple
of the Victorian ones,

and I was never prouder when my dad
came out of using that

and he went...
"That'd shift a bike." Yeah!

They're amazing. LAUGHTER

My grandmother's
was exactly the same.

You could put a live fox in that,
and it would... One flush, gone!

LAUGHTER

Katherine,
this is going to take some losing.

It's an acorn...

that would grow, obviously,
into an oak tree.

So, here is the oak tree
that the winner will get

in approximately years.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I quite like it.
Tonight, they're going to get this.

Yeah.

Still smaller at the bottom.

Well, that way up
it's big at the top...

Big at the top. Yeah.
Cos it's upside down.

Yeah, but it would be hanging
from... Like that.

I suppose it would be,
wouldn't it?

I don't mind it, Katherine.
I think it's pretty imaginative.

Aww! I thought that you would
understand it better

than Alex, actually. Yeah, couldn't
get my head round it at all.

It fulfils the criteria, and it
promises to fulfil the criteria

even more. For , years.

Yeah, for , years...

Well done you. Thank you.

Oh. Mawaan.

You're so unpredictable.

Am I?!

I brought in something
that we all use on a regular basis.

It's a microphone
in a microphone stand.

Right. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

And did you create that?
Yeah, I basically made it for a show

cos I had this idea, yeah...

Like, a stand-up show,
audience walk in,

there's a mic and microphone stand
on stage... Yeah.

But I wanted to be
that microphone stand and mic

to maximise my stage time.

And I'll be honest,
the audience reaction...

..it deserved better. It was muted.
Yeah. Yeah.

I really like it.

Cool. You've been in a very
nice mood this evening, Greg.

Yeah, I am, so far.
Acorn, microphone stand,

Captain Budwash,
toilet, and an ice cream.

LAUGHTER

My favourite was Mawaan's.

Five points to Mawaan Rizwan.

APPLAUSE

My second favourite was Katherine's.

Oh! Four points for an acorn!
Lovely oak tree.

Well done, Katherine.
So much potential.

My third favourite was Johnny
bringing an entire toilet in.

Course it is.
Three points to Johnny Vegas.

APPLAUSE

And my next favourite
is Captain Budwash.

Yes! APPLAUSE

Budwash, remarkably,
gets two points.

I'm going to give one point
to Richard Herring.

LAUGHTER

OK, we're off!

All right, then,
let's get into the show proper.

What have we got first?

We have this, your regular task
involving a robotic golf caddy,

many upturned picnic benches,
a couple of chickens,

and a swivelling office chair.

CLUCKING

DAISY: Chicken!

Are you talking to me?

No.

LAUGHTER

Hello. Hey, man.

KATHERINE: I need some shades. Want
me to get you some shades? No. OK.

"Get to the...
Get to that finish line...

"..clutching chicken number two."

"Get chicken number one
across the start line

"aboard radio-controlled Mawaan."

Oh, not numbered chickens!

LAUGHTER

So, that's going one way,
you're going the other.

You're going to have
to swap chickens

with the remote-control
Katherine. OK.

You must sit on the office chair
at all times.

If anything touches
the little robots...

your attempt is over.

Oh, those little robot things.
They're brilliant!

Yeah, little robots there.

Your time starts... now.

LAUGHTER

He's off!

Nice to see a little bit of footage
from a retirement home.

LAUGHTER

So, it's a classic game of

Remote-controlled Avoid The Mini
Robots Office Chair Chicken Swap.

Absolutely it is.

LAUGHTER
I'm glad you summed it up.

Lovely. That's exactly what it is.
Let's cr*ck on.

This looks like a pretty sweet game.

OK, well, he's the youngest here
by a considerable stretch.

But will that help when it comes
to swivel chair caddy driving

and chicken swapping?
Let's see. It's Mawaan Rizwan.

OK, ready?

HE GASPS

LAUGHTER

Come on, move along.

No, what are you doing?!

Wow!

APPLAUSE

Oh, sorry, I didn't press stop!

Sorry...

Yeah! That's how you do it.

That's going to take some b*ating.

Well, I thought it was going to be
really hard to do.

Mawaan comes in...

He made it look like everyone does
it at home all the time.

He was so natural. He went off
at exactly the same speed

as the remote-control golf caddy.

Yeah, but they've all been raised
with that technology.

KATHERINE: Yeah, exactly, yeah.
What, chicken remote controls?

LAUGHTER

You mean because he's slightly
younger? How old are you?

. I'm not even that young.

It's ridiculous to suggest
you look young,

dressed as you are
as a college professor.

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm calling a time-out.

Go and feast on some ads
like the ravenous consumers you are,

and, when you return,
we'll see the grown-ups having a go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to the show.

I missed you.

Next up, they're a perfect fit.

It's d*ck and Johnny.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Oh, OK. I see,
there's some little robots here!

Oh!

I think he's in.

Ooh!

Right...

No, without hitting the chicken!

LAUGHTER

Oh, God! Oh, God,
oh, quick, quick, quick!

Ahh.

I've stopped the clock, Johnny.

Cheers, man.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you, Richard.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Johnny.

I'm going to take
the remote control off you now.

That's one of them
I want another go at.

You can have a go at lunch
if you want.

No, I'll just go on Amazon Prime.

Yeah? Get myself,
what, benches...

APPLAUSE

I mean, again, it sort of panned out

exactly as I imagined
it would pan out, really. Mm.

Richard, it looked like
he was having a lovely day out

with the other old people.

LAUGHTER

"Ooh, there's
some little robots there!

"How funny." LAUGHTER

And then, within seconds,
Johnny's life falls apart.

LAUGHTER

It's my first experience
of an electronic golf caddy,

do forgive me!

Sorry, have you not played

Remote-Controlled Avoid The Mini
Robots Office Chair Chicken Swap?

LAUGHTER

It was banned in our house.

I mean, it worked.

Neither of them clashed
with the little robots at any point,

so they've secured some times.
Tick!

Richard, minutes .

And how did Johnny do?

minutes .

He b*at Richard?
Currently in second place.

Really? Yeah.

Wow. APPLAUSE

That's bad. LAUGHTER

Let's move on.

Well, finally, brace yourselves,
it's Daisy May Kath Park.

Here.

Right.

When are you going to go,
do you reckon?

That's in the bin, is it?

Sorry? Nothing.

And...

OK...

Oh, I can see the little robots!

OK.

Oh, God.

Come on, little buggers.

Ahhh!

Oh...

SHE WAILS

No!

Oh, God.

Stop!

Oh, God.

Arghh!

Watch out for those little robots.

Hmm, what's happened there?

Yeah, nothing.

No!

ALEX GROANS

Sorry!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

I've stopped the clock.
Thank you, Daisy.

Where's it gone?

Did anything touch
the little robots?

Oh.

I did.

Yay!

Now, Katherine... Yeah? I'm not
going to stop the clock yet.

Do you remember what the task was?
Chicken had to be on it.

Yeah. It's number two, isn't it?

Well, all the information's
on the task.

Yeah, it's in the bin.

LAUGHTER

It's number one.

Oh, God.

No! Where's it going?!

I didn't do that! You didn't do it?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

APPLAUSE

ALEX BLOWS HIS WHISTLE

Well done, Katherine,
you've completed the course.

APPLAUSE

I hate robots.

Androids.

Anything futuristic. Yeah, I do.

If that's what the future looks
like, it can f*ck off. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it isn't
what the future looks like. No.

I had a remote control car
as a child, and I'm .

LAUGHTER

I don't drive.

No!

No, which I do think is relevant,

and you might
want to take into consideration.

I mean, I just wrote down...

"Katherine's driving licence
should be taken off her."

Right. Never had one.

Well, Daisy was very fast
round the course, minutes .

I think she would have won
a lot of...

new Remote-Controlled Caddy
Chicken Swap fans.

However... Ah, bollocks.

But she's disqualified.
Cos she hit the mini robots. Oh...

She did hit the mini robots.
She didn't care!

No! Nooo!

Katherine, on the other hand, was
very slow and disqualified as well.

She took over quarter of an hour.
Over... I was a quarter of an hour?!

Oh, yes. LAUGHTER

It went very quickly.

It did not.

LAUGHTER

So points-wise, Greg, we've got five
points for Mawaan Rizwan, obviously.

Obviously. Obviously.

We've got four points for Johnny,
three points for Richard.

That's right.
But what about these ladies?

They were disqualified.
Zero points to Daisy and Katherine.

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

May I see a scoreboard, please?
You may.

At one end,
we have Daisy with two,

but at the other,
it's Mawaan with ! MAWAAN: Wow!

Ooh, wow, look at that!
Strong start.

APPLAUSE

Quite! How about a new task?
Good shout.

And this one's
a lovely, complicated team one.

Oh, hello! Hello, Richard.

Hello, Mawaan. Hey, Alex.

Shall I open this? Yes, please.

Is that going to self-destruct?

"Tell your team-mate
what is in this safe."

"You may speak into this microphone

"and they will hear your message
played backwards."

"You have ten minutes to open
the safe and record your message.

"The most accurate answer wins.
Your time starts now."

There's a mic in here?

So that is a cassette deck.
What's that?

There is a facility there
to record yourself.

I need to open the safe, though.

Rouf, neves,

rouf, neves.

It's the code for the safe.

"Oeuf, leven, oeuf..."

Fou.. Four.

So if it's four seven four seven,
it's seven four, seven four.

BEEPING

Oh, good.

It's seven four seven four.

BLEEPING

HE CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY

Right, I get it.
Backwards talking task.

They had to record a message
for their team-mates

to say what they'd discovered
in the safe,

and that message was going to be
played backwards to them.

First up, it's the team of three.

Good luck, Johnny,
good luck, Katherine. Thank you.

"Decipher the message
to work out what is in this safe."

There's a tape recorder,
there's a notepad...

MAWAAN, DISTORTED: Cushun...
Gireg...

Gu-reg...

Laamb... Lamb? Lamb.

Laamb...
That's the only word I understood.

Wore... w*r?

Hairvane... Heaven.

Wore... Wall?

Cushionnn... Cushion? Hang on.

GASPING: Ohh!

What if it's something backwards?
Let's do it again.

OK, nushuc, nushuc.

..ushun... ushonn.

Is it mission? Hang on.

Cushion or pushing.

..ushon... Pushing... Cushion.

I can't, I just...
Push in, push in.

I think it's cushion.

What kind of cushion
would you be pushing? Whoopee...

What else does he say?

Gerg.

Gereg.

Grreg.

Gireg. Greg!

It's something about Greg.

Mah-ull.

Mah-ll...

Llaam. Lamb. Lamb.

Lllam. Lamb. Lamb.

Yeah, but we can't go with, like,
a mad guess like kebab.

S-niquise.

Seuquin...

You in... Oh, my God.

Euquins...

Right, this is hardly CSI, is it?

LAUGHING: Oh, I don't know!

We've got... I've got
push in, bury, w*r, and lamb.

LAUGHTER

..ushunn. Pushinnn...

Grreg.

Greg. Greg twice.
Which means flock in Latin.

Seuquin... of sheep or something.

And he says lamb.

Zeyuquins... You in?

LAUGHTER

Llaam. Lamb.

It's a lamb on a cushion,
that's what we've got.

I think it's a lamb kebab.

I think it's a lamb on a cushion,
that's all I...

Yeah, thanks, guys. Oh, man.

CHORTLING

It's a sequined cushion.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

It's Greg with a lamb.

APPLAUSE

I'm amazed!

I just thought we were
so wide of the mark.

GREG: You didn't know it was
backwards for... a lot of it. No.

But it was really fun to watch.

The only problem was

he managed to explain to them
that it was a lamb on a cushion,

but it wasn't, it was an alpaca.

MAWAAN: OK, if you want to
get technical...

CROWD GROANS
They seemed to do well.

They got a lamb on a cushion,

they didn't get the sequins
or you, in the end.

You mentioned Greg a couple of
times, but pretty good. Well done!

Well done.
OK, that's another part complete.

Alex, do your famous
Schwarzenegger impression.

We will be back. We'll be back.
We will be back.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the start of part three,

and time for Alex's recap.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I didn't know about that!

That is good.
Yeah? I thought you'd like it.

LAUGHTER
That is good. Yes, here it is.

We're currently in the thick
of a fiendish backwards task

where one team-mate has to describe
the contents of a safe

in a message which will be played
backwards to their team-mates.

The team of three had their attempt.
We now know that it was

a cushion with a picture of Greg
and an alpaca on it,

so all that's left
is to watch Richard and Daisy

as they demonstrate
their communication stills.

LAUGHTER

Now, I do a lot of ghost recordings,

so this is one of my specialities,

figuring out
what the ghosts are saying.

GARBLED NONSENSE: Eewiet it neuw.

As eq nas erw uh suh eh eh suh.

Sneuquies.

Huh?

LAUGHTER

So it's just a red pillow
with sequins...

Oh, that's nice, it's got
the Taskmaster... and a sheep.

Llo... Innow...

Oh. Inner...

Pih el el oh ohw.

Un, un, och...

I mean, is this message
actual words, or is it letters?

PHONETICALLY:

JERKILY, IN REVERSE

Ah puss?

Wollip der.

Rrred pillow.

Redd illoww.

Oh, oh...

M... M O.

Low... Hello.

Hello! Oh, hello.

L O.

Low...

SHE GROANS

U-equins...

Snewquies.

Sequins.

Sn-i-ques.

Puh eh eh huh suh.

Us uh eh eh suh.

Ah suh eh uh.

Uh eh ah suh.

LAUGHTER

Ew ih ens. Sneuquies...

Ha hey... Eh ooh...

S-milkies.

LAUGHTER

Sequins. Sequins.

Milkies? What's that for?

That sounds like a number. Ilkies?

Hey, it's probably telling me
some sort of code!

Seven... Sneuiquis.

Milkies, milkies...

f*ck.

Ah!

Milkies...

I mean, what... That's just mad.

O, N-oh, oh N-oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, what you think's in the safe,
Daisy?

Pair of sunglasses.

LAUGHTER

Why didn't you put me
with Katherine Parkinson?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, I don't know where to start.

I mean, thank God you weren't in
charge of code-breaking in the w*r.

We would be waking up
to the sound of jackboots.

LAUGHTER

I mean, interestingly,
I genuinely don't know who to blame.

No, it wasn't good. Red pillow
was the only thing they came out.

It felt like trying to order
in a foreign restaurant.

Milkies?

LAUGHTER

Well, the trouble is Richard did
some forwards and some backwards,

there wasn't a lot of consistency.
Well, I've never spoken backwards,

so I didn't know whether
it was better to do it forwards

and let you try... Nobody's ever
spoken f*cking backwards, Richard!

You got oh, oh-N-oh, and milkies.

LAUGHTER

And in the dying seconds
of the task,

you said,
"I think this might be a code!"

LAUGHTER

The team of three did work out
there was a cushion...

Yeah, they did... with a sheep on,

or some sort of animal.
Right, that's pretty good.

What about giving the most points
to either me or Richard

for who you thought was better
in the team task?

It's impossible to separate you.

He was bad at his job, and you...

You weren't even speaking.
You were just...

HE BLATHERS

LAUGHTER
I can't give you anything for that!

So zero for Daisy and Richard.
Obviously! Obviously zero!

OK, well, that's easy enough.
But for these three,

they got quite a bit, didn't they?
They did.

All right, I'll give them
three points each,

and that's an end to it.
Three points each,

and that is the end of it.

APPLAUSE

I think we should have another task!

I do, too.

And I will now prove it!

MOOING

"Make the best marble run.

"The marble that rolls
for the longest time wins.

"After releasing your marble,

"you may not touch your marble, nor
do anything to affect its movement."

MAWAAN: "You have minutes,
and one official attempt.

"Your time starts now."

Brilliant.
I think I'm going to get some pipes.

I have...
I've never made a marble run.

Actually, that's the first time
I've heard of that as a phrase,

"marble run".

I've never rolled a marble before.

Why not?

I don't know, I just never
played marbles as a kid.

That's a shame.

Yeah, well, I had a PS , so...

LAUGHTER

Tis a thing of beauty.

This is a contraption that will...

Not only will you see
the longest marble run,

it will power this house...

..for two minutes!

LAUGHTER

Who needs wind...

..when you've got
a Vegas marble run?!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I'm just sorry.

Don't be sorry.

It's good to be ambitious.

Who needs wind? Who...

Who needs wind
when you've got a Vegas marble run?

I should explain what a marble run
is, in case people don't know.

The only person who
doesn't know what a marble run is

is Katherine.
"I've never heard of that."

Katherine, a marble run uses gravity

to assist in
keeping a marble moving. Yeah.

First of all we're going to see
the prep work

of three equally popular
cast members.

It's Daisy, Richard and Johnny.

Where can I set up my...
my marble run?

LAUGHTER

It's all the stuff Mother
never allowed me to play with!

It rolls off there onto there...

PANTING

This looks good, this looks good!

RICHARD: Where's the end
of the tape gone?

Oh, come on.

That might be it!

THUD

Right, that's not going to work.

I once hired a plumber
who worked like this.

LAUGHTER

Yes! Come on! This is getting good!

One minute. One minute...

Right.

Yes!

Yes...

I think we're ready to rock'n'roll.

WHISTLE BLOWS
No more building, please, Richard.

QUIET SMOOCH

GREG: Johnny's the only competitor
in Taskmaster history

who looks like
he NEEDS things to go well.

LAUGHTER

I tell you the thing
that interested me

is it's such a needy profession,
this, isn't it?

You know,
sometimes I'll come off set

and I'll say to Alex,
"Was I nasty enough?

"Did I victimise anyone enough?"

You know, we all need it, but...

..Daisy doesn't, because
Daisy's her own cheerleader.

Just constantly saying,
"This is brilliant! I'm so great!"

LAUGHTER

Do you want to start with Daisy?
Oh, yeah, do I!

Cos it's got to be good!
She told me it is.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's see how Daisy's went.

SHE KISSES THE MARBLE

OK, are we ready?

Godspeed.

Yes! Oh, yes!

Keep going, keep going.

Oh...

Yes!

Well done, me.

LAUGHTER And you a little bit.

Thank you, Daisy.

Very good. Very good.

Well done, you.

What was the whole
licking-the-marble thing about?

I thought that's
what she wanted me to do.

No... She didn't ask you do.

I thought people tended to lick
marbles before releasing them. Yeah.

Didn't like it. How did Daisy do?

Pretty good.
It went duk duk duk duk duk...

And it carried on rolling
for seconds and frames.

Who's next?

Johnny. Oh...

Who needs wind
when you've got a Vegas marble run?

Here we go.

Ready?

Three,

two,

one...

Quick! Quick, quick, Alex!

LAUGHTER

LEAF BLOWER WHIRS

Go on, boy, go on!

Is that it?

Stop the clock.

JOHNNY SIGHS

OK. Well, thanks, Johnny.

HE LAUGHS
I'll take it apart now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good! You are right, though,

I looked far too emotionally
invested in that, didn't I?

In all of them, yeah. LAUGHTER

It was pretty good,

and also provided us with the most
tragic final tableau of any task

across ten series.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you weren't actually
allowed to affect the ball

after you let go, so luckily
it didn't have any effect at all.

Oh, ooh... OK.

So you got away with that.

It was only eight seconds
and six frames,

but it did exactly
what you wanted it to do.

Well, lastly but not leastly,

at leastly not yetly,
it's Richard Keith Harris Herring.

Go on! Ohh...

Oh, I knew it would stop on that!

It was great up to there.

If I'd just let it go down the slope
without any of this stuff

it would have gone much further.
Ah, well. Thank you, Richard.

Thank you. No, I'm happy, I'm happy.
All right, goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Well, Richard summed it up there,
really.

His progress was hampered
by all of the work he did.

LAUGHTER

But he's happy, he's happy.

And he ended up with almost exactly
the same time as Johnny.

Slightly longer, though -
seconds and frames.

Ohh... So he's in both second
and second last.

Time to pause for
the last adverts of the show.

When we come back,
someone will win

Johnny Vegas's precious
porcelain throne,

and a Cornetto.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Here we are, then, safely
lodged in the last part of the show.

Before the break, the rivals
were trying to make a marble roll

for the longest amount of time.

So far we've seen Johnny, Richard
and Daisy's attempt so far,

and, so far, Daisy's in the lead
with a time of ten seconds so far.

Now his head is the closest
in size to the marble -

it's Mawaan. LAUGHTER

What does this, Alex?

Come on, two brains.

I'm going to take this with me,
is that all right?

Be very careful with it.
I will be really careful.

It's, like, legit glass, innit?

Yeah, sh*t, OK.

The washing machine.

Is the marble dirty?

No, but the washing machine rolls.

You want to put the marble
in the washing machine? Yeah.

That's in, is it? Yep.

Slow spin, delicates...

Delicates? Yeah.

degrees. Why?

Just cos it's glass, innit?

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm going to turn it on.
Good luck.

Oh... It hasn't started rolling yet,

I'll start the clock
when it starts rolling. OK.

Oh! It's rolling. It's doing it.

minutes.

OK. Well, I guess
I'll stay and watch.

THUNKING

Oh! Ooh... Ooh.
That didn't sound great.

And I'll let you know
what time you get.

Thank you, Mawaan. Great.
OK. Pleasure, man.

Let me know when you need me to
break another household appliance.

All right. Thank you, Mawaan.

APPLAUSE

Clever... in principle.

Go on. Read the task out
to me again, please.

"Make the best marble run.

"The marble that rolls
for the longest time wins."

Right. I don't know whether anyone
wants to debate with me

but I feel it was rolling.

But you did point out
that once my marble had stopped,

if I'd have moved it with the leaf
blower, it wouldn't have counted.

It does say,
"After releasing your marble,

"you may not touch your marble nor
do anything to affect its movement."

RICHARD: What you said at the end.
I didn't do anything.

He released the marble
then put the machine on,

so he did something in order to...
Ooh. DAISY: Yes.

I hadn't even thought of that.
It is true.

APPLAUSE

You lot are turning against me!

JOHNNY: I'm just glad he said it.
After all I've done for you!

And when it comes to
sticking to the rules,

I've been a real arsehole
this series.

LAUGHTER

And if I wasn't an arsehole to you,

it would look like I favoured you
because you're young

and you've got so much
in front of you, so much hope.

But don't k*ll that hope.

I'm not going to k*ll the hope,

I'm just going to make the hope
realistic about expectations.

LAUGHTER

I'm tempted to give him one of
my rarely-handed-out bonus points.

Well, you could think about it
a bit more. Yeah...

We've got one more person to see.

Katherine Parkinson's attempt.
Yes, please. Here it is.

We are cooking with gas...

No, we're not,
that's not going to work at all.

That's quite pleasing.
I mean, that's a marble run.

SHE GASPS

This is great.

Well...

So we'll just try
and raise it gently.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm nervous that my official go
will go wrong,

so I'd like to get it done.

OK, I'm going to start the timer
when you've released the marble.

Good luck. Thanks.

I've stopped the timer.
Thank you. That was fun.

Thank you for your marble run,
Katherine. Goodbye. Bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Well, well...

That was brilliant.

Wow. That is your finest work...

LAUGHTER

..this series.

The only one.

I genuinely thought that reaction

is what I'd get
for the washing machine.

I imagined everyone
just would stand up and applaud.

You sort of did get that,
but then Katherine so overshadowed it

I now think
the washing machine thing's sh*t!

LAUGHTER

I did... It's awful,
it's so fickle, isn't it?

It took the same length of time
it takes me

to do my laces, my buttons
and my hair. . seconds.

Oh, wow. It's a long time. Wow.

APPLAUSE

RICHARD: She'd never even heard
of a marble run,

and she created the greatest...

Sometimes you need someone just
to come in from the outside. Fresh.

Yeah. OK, well,
Katherine gets the five points.

Daisy second with four points.

Richard, three, Johnny, two.

But what are we going to do
with Mawaan?

Give him nothing. Not even one?

Lazy. You said bonus point!

Yeah, I know,
but I've seen that, now.

Does he not even get one
for coming last?

I've got the rest of my life
ahead of me!

If you keep talking like that,
I'm going to give him a minus point.

So he's disqualified, in the end.

Yeah! From the whole show!

LAUGHTER

Quick look at the scores
before the final task?

Yeah, well... Mawaan is in the lead,
with points.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next generation, baby!

OK, please stand up and get ready
for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Who is going to read
the task for us?

Daisy May Cooper. Please.

"Communicate to the taskmaster
the item on your card.

"You may only make noises.

"You may not use any actions,
or anything that sounds like a word.

"Slowest communicator
each round is eliminated.

"Last communicator standing wins."

They've just got to use noises,

so they're going to be holding
their umbrellas in front of them

to stop them gesturing.

First round, animals. Lovely.

It's down to you to guess them.

So if you want to look, Daisy,
at your card number one.

Good luck. Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

RISING, SQUEAKY SQUAWK

Oh, God!

SQUEAKING HONK

A seal?

Oooooooh!

A wolf?

SQUEALS: Wooooh!

Woooooh! Wooooh!

I think she's giving birth.

Ooooooh. Elephant?

Correct! WHISTLE BLOWS

Jesus, that is
the worst elephant of all time.

What noise would you have made?

I'd go... TRUMPETING NEIGH

Exactly what I did, then.

Basically.

OK, so Johnny, you're up next.

OK, here we go. WHISTLE BLOWS

THIN SQUAWK: Aah, aah,
rruhh, rrruh...

GURGLING: Yeeeurgh.

A tiger.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. A donkey?

Ah, unh, unh, unh, unh.

A mule?

HE SQUAWKS
I haven't got a f*cking clue.

LIGHT, GUTTURAL WOBBLING

A hen?

A fox?

WHISTLE BLOWS

seconds.

Daisy is now through to round two.

OK, here comes Katherine.

Good luck. WHISTLE BLOWS

SQUEAKILY: Ehh!

Oww!

Eh!

LAUGHTER

A chick, a baby chick.

Eh-eh, ehw!

A mouse?

Ouw, euw, euw!

A puppy.

SHRILL: Ow. Ow.

Yes, stick with the same strategy,
yeah.

THIN SQUAWKS

A crow?

It's not coming out
as I want it to come out!

A calf?

Aouw. Eouw?
It's not a land animal.

It's a sea animal?

Ouw!

LAUGHTER

A seagull? Auw, auw, auew!

No, it's in the water.

How am I supposed to know what
an underwater animal sounds like?

Well, it's one that's got
quite a distinctive noise,

but it's not this. LAUGHTER

A lobster. No.

LAUGHTER

Auw.

Dolphin? It's a dolphin, obviously.

Yes!

Now who can't do
a dolphin impression?

Katherine Parkinson. Right.
LAUGHTER

OK, so Mawaan, if you can do this
in under two minutes five seconds,

you make it through. LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS I mean, good luck.

Why don't I just start
listing animals? You'll still win.

Here we go.
Good luck, it's not easy.

WHISTLE BLOWS

QUIET, RAPID CHIRRUPING:
Tika-tika-tuk, tika-tika-tika-tuk,

took-took-took... A kookaburra.

THIN GUTTURAL RASPS

A piglet?

CHOKING

A pig.

HE SIGHS EMITS BURSTS OF STATIC

A hedgehog.
Kih-kih, kih-kih, kih-kih...

Cricket.

WHISTLE BLOWS It is a cricket!

He was virtually saying cricket.

I was not! Also, a lot of animals
are named onomatopoeically,

so I can't help it.

Right. It's true, they are.
LAUGHTER

Under two minutes and five seconds
will see you through

to the next round, Richard,
your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS INSISTENT CLUCKING

A chicken. WHISTLE BLOWS

Good, you've made it.
DAISY: f*cking hell. That was easy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're through to round two.
We've lost Katherine Parkinson.

Round two, you'll be pleased
to hear, is machines.

Oh, great.

Richard to go first.
WHISTLE BLOWS

RASPING POP

Gears. A gearbox.

Ffft-ffft-ffft... Ffff.

The Camelot machine
that announces the lottery.

LAUGHTER

Khh-khh. A stapler.

WHISTLE BLOWS HE SIGHS

One minute five for a stapler.
Please rotate.

That was hard. Chicken was easy,
I'll give you that.

OK, you ready for this one, Daisy?

Good luck, Taskmaster.
WHISTLE BLOWS

SQUEAKILY: Oo-oo oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.

CRAZED WOBBLING

Oh, no, a fax machine!

WHISTLE BLOWS Well done.

That was very good. Wow.

That was class.

Very good. Good luck, Johnny.

Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHUGGING

Train.

A sewing machine.

Awop-wop-wop-wop-wop...

Oh.

Ah tugi-tugi-tugi-tugi...

It's a boat.

LOW SCREECH An aeroplane.

It's not an aeroplane.
A helicopter?

WHISTLE BLOWS Really?!

Yeah! Did you get it?

Yeah, ages ago.

Bullshit. LAUGHTER

So the last machine, it's Mawaan.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Bip. Bip bip. Bip. Bip.

Nnnnnnnn...

Ting!

Microwave. WHISTLE BLOWS

seconds, he's through,
and we've lost Richard Herring.

APPLAUSE

So it's round three,
and we're moving on

to food types.

Right, good luck, Mawaan,
your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

FUNKY HALF-SCAT POPPING

WHISPERS: Splassh...

That is a funky fruit.

Mm! Hom, hom, hom...

An apple?

Psss...

kehh.

Prrrr.

Pschuuh.

Haumph, haumph, haumph, haumph.

It's not a banana? No, it's a
breakfast item, I'll give you that.

Oh...

Crunching..

Cornflakes. Yeah! WHISTLE BLOWS

It was so obvious it was cornflakes.
LAUGHTER

OK, minute to b*at.
Off we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

THIN, INCONSISTENT HISSING

Stpou! Ptrmp, ptrmp, pop.

Oh, a lovely sausage.

WHISTLE BLOWS
It is a lovely sausage.

What?! Very good, very good, Daisy.
Very good. Very nice.

Will Johnny join Daisy in the final?
Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

THIN SLURP

Oh, spaghetti. WHISTLE BLOWS

Johnny's through to the final!

APPLAUSE

You've reached the final,

and it's musical instruments
this time.

Oh, easy. Good luck, Johnny.

Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS

Tt-tiss, tt-tiss, tt-tiss.

Hi-hat.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

A one-man band.

Tish, tish, tish, tish.

Drum kit.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. LAUGHTER

Erm... Tambourine.

WHISTLE BLOWS
It is a tambourine.

seconds. Wow, very good.

It's good, but it's get-able.

It's definitely get-able,
and I'm up against the best.

seconds to win the task.

Good luck, Daisy. WHISTLE BLOWS

VOCALISED, MELODIC ARPEGGIOS

Piano.

DESCENDING: Ooh ooh ooh ooh!

RISING: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

A harp.

WHISTLE BLOWS It is a harp!

With seconds,
Daisy is the winner! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was good!

Come back down,
we'll add it to the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Greg.

Very good.
That must have shaken things up.

It has shaken things up.

I must say that my baby was going
absolutely mental inside my stomach.

LAUGHTER

I can tell you some numbers now,
if you want. Please.

Well, series-wise,
it's as close as it's ever been.

We've got Katherine on points.

There is a slight gap, now,
sorry, Katherine,

to Richard and Mawaan, on .

Johnny now in second place on ,

Daisy on .

So just ten separating four people.

But this week's episode
is not won by anyone yet.

It's a tie-break between Mawaan
and Johnny, who both got points!

Ooh! Ooh! APPLAUSE

Tie-break...
How are we going to decide, Alex?

With a tie-break that will answer
the age-old question, Greg,

because they had to work out

how many sheets there are
on a loo roll in seconds.

Closest wins.

So here's how they got on.

Um...

I think something.

Come on...

seconds left.

Two... four, six, eight...

...

One, two, three, four...

Ahh...

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

. WHISTLE BLOWS

Er, . OK.

Two eight zero. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Very different techniques. Wow...

I was not expecting
as a guess.

It's so specific, compared
to the madness of his process.

LAUGHTER

Johnny guessed sheets,
Mawaan guessed sheets.

The correct answer is...

sheets!

Johnny wins!

Oh, man!

APPLAUSE

It was a reliable technique
after all! Incredible.

Johnny wins.

Please go and rejoice
with your top-heavy things!

CHEERING

Enjoy that toilet!

First-time winner!

APPLAUSE

So what have we learned today?

If you're compiling
your all-time bucket list,

please don't forget to complete
the magical swimming with dolphins.

Mew, mew, mew... LAUGHTER

Bye for now, everyone,
but hello for now, once again,

to today's winner.
It's Johnny Vegas!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE