11x08 - An Orderly Species

[bunniefuu]

Boo!

Yeow!

I just need to read that again.

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies
and I am the wizard of Task Towers.

With a wave of my wand, five
intelligent, successful people

have parked their dignity and

bravely exposed themselves
to judgment.

One of them even trumped
a bit of his bottom out

trying to please me,
for goodness' sake.

How far will our magical five
be prepared to go today?

Let's meet them and find out.

They are Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix, Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak, and Sarah Kendall.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who once
drunkenly confessed

that he hasn't brought car tax or
insurance since the ' s

because he thinks it's an example
of big government,

it's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg. Hello.

I've had a birthday. Oh, God.

My mother and father gave me £ .

All right, stop. £ each.

I have, um... I've budgeted
on this occasion

for Alex wittering away
to total silence

and I've decided that
we're going to start the show
slightly differently.

Alex is going to do some extreme
improvisation for you. Is he?

Ooh! Yeah. So, Mike, if you'd like
to give me a song style.

Funk. Charlotte, perhaps you'd
like to give me a dance style.

Disco.

Disco and funk, meh,
it's a bit kind on him.

Oh, sorry, I meant disco break.

Disco break. What is disco break?

You know. You know. You know.
It's in your bones.

And finally, Sarah, I need,
an event from history.

The division of North
and South Korea.

LAUGHTER

And so, ladies and gentlemen,
for your entertainment,

Alex will represent the division
of North and South Korea in, um...

..in a disco break dance-style

singing a funk song.

♪ In , there was
a terrible situation

♪ Ow! # Uh...

♪ When everyone got very sad

♪ Because they divided the nation. ♪

CHEERS

Yay!

APPLAUSE

That was rubbish and...
Still better.

..it was much better than
what you had to say.

On with the prize task.

Yes, on we pop,

and this week the category is
the most satisfying wobbly thing.

Greg will judge whose thing is
the most satisfyingly wobbly one

and give that person five points.

At the end of the episode,
one lucky person will take home

all five wobbly things
and be totally satisfied.

I'll tell you now, anyone who's
brought a jelly, no points.

OK, Jamali, what's your satisfying
wobbly thing?

Do you know what, this is... I had
a whole speech lined up

cos I feel like whenever I put in
minimal effort, you go,

"You know what, Jamali, you actually
tried, here's four points," right?

So, right, then when you just said
that, I was like,

"Oh, right, so it's gone, then."
I've got...

I genuinely didn't know you'd
brought a jelly in.

No, but it's not just jelly, innit?

Cos I knew you would just go
tut-tut-tut. Yeah.

So what I did is I still brought
in jelly,

but inside the jelly is
a complete Rubik's cube.

Here we go. Ah.

There you go.
It's pretty satisfying.

Well, how's it satisfying?

Because Rubik's cubes are hard

and to see a complete Rubik's cube
kind of gives me a bit of joy.

It's aesthetically pleasing.
I'll take three points.

Yeah? Feels like a three-er,
does it?

I'm thinking three. Well, there
might be people who've done worse.

If anyone's just brought a jelly in,
I'm going to att*ck them.

LAUGHTER Right.

Who's next? Lee, you like a wobble,
what have you brought in?

My daughter. She's eight and she
loves you guys, you know that,

and every night she puts her head
on my belly.

She nuzzles up and she says,

"Can I just say, Daddy, your belly's
so wobbly and lovely,"

and I said, "Funny enough, I have
to take a wobbly thing

"in to Taskmaster."

And she said, "Take your belly in."

I said, "I can't
take my belly in to Taskmaster."

She said, "Why don't you make it
out of jelly?" And...

LAUGHTER

And so I have, and there it is.

It's a jelly belly.

Why does your jelly of your belly
have abs?

Yeah, it is a fair point that
that...

There's absolutely no way that
that's your belly.

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't make
a cast because I didn't have time.

I shaped it with my hands
and, in a way,

I do see myself not too
dissimilar to that.

So, so far, after me slagging
anyone who brought in jelly,

we've had two jellies. Next.

Charlotte.

Hm.
LAUGHTER

Gulp!

So, it's a bit personal this but,
obviously, this show

has taken its toll
on my ego, my self-esteem.

Yeah, I can imagine.
Um, yeah, and...

Sorry, Charlotte, you've brought
a jelly in, haven't you?

Yeah, inside is
a letter from my therapist

commenting on my wobbly
sense of self-esteem.

Right. Oh. Here it is, the letter
from her therapist in a jelly.

Yeah.

I have to say, that is
more like my belly than my belly.

It is. Isn't it? Oh, God.

This is so heart-breaking.

% jelly so far, Greg. Hm.

% jelly across the board.

Did you know they found
jelly on the moon? Moon jelly.

They didn't find moon jelly, Alex.
They did.

They said it's exactly the same as
Earth jelly, but it's on the moon.

Probably the astronauts left it up
there. So they didn't find jelly on
the moon?

Later astronauts did.

Sorry, are you saying that
someone found Neil Armstrong's jelly
on the moon?

That's what's written here.

It's written there on a document
that you typed?

Very much so. Very much so.
LAUGHTER

Who's, um... Who's brought
the next jelly in? Mike?

I've not gone for jelly.

Huh! Aw! Oh, well, congratulations,
five points.

I've got an old-school classic. I've
gone for a milk tooth. Tooth?

A milk tooth.
Here is the milk tooth.

Which is surely the most satisfying
wobbly thing of all.

You get a wobble, it's satisfying
already. Yes.

If your six-years-old, it's the best
chat fuel in the business.

It's chat fuel? Yeah, big time chat
fuel time.

It's chap... Chat fuel.

Chap? Chat, chat, chat. Chat.

How you feel and what you
talk about in the playground,

"Good old Martha's got a wobbly
tooth, let's go, let's talk about
it, let's have a wobble,

"let's talk about how we're going to
get it out." Ain't that the truth.

I hated having loose
teeth as a child.

I found it a disturbing sensation.

But was it satisfying
when they came out?

I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know if I find it
satisfying. Oh. Right.

Sarah, what wobbly object
have you brought?

Um, I brought in a sausage
of chicken meat.

A what?
LAUGHTER

A sausage of chicken meat.
A sausage of chicken meat?

A sausage of chicken meat.

It really is a sausage of chicken
meat. Do you want to see it?

Yeah. Here is the sausage
of chicken meat.

Did you buy it with a view to eat...

..having a sausage of chicken meat
in your home?

I bought it to wobble it. I was
sitting in my lounge and I thought,

"Is it satisfyingly wobbly?"

And then I started really wanging
it in the lounge room.

I'm like, "This is really..." like,
to the point where I was surprised

by how wobbly it was and I wanged it
so hard the end came off,

I had to gaffer it back on.
LAUGHTER

What's your technique to
get the wobble?

Uh, it's a lot of elbow work. OK.

I mean, I don't want to...
I don't want to boast,

but I've got pretty good upper body
strength at the moment.

Cool.LAUGHTER Are you going to mark the wobblers?

Here's your decision, it's the first
time I've ever done it.

I'm giving everybody here three
points. What, everyone?

Yeah. That's how I feel.

They're all as wobbly
and as satisfying as each other.

So, they're either all good or
they're all sh*t. It doesn't matter.

That was a waste of everyone's time.

In that case, everyone gets three
points. Well done, everybody. Yay!

APPLAUSE

OK, on with the show.
What's the first task proper?

Inflation, some wrapping,
a little bit of munch-munch

and quite a lot of TikTok.

EERIE DISCORDANT MUSIC

KNOCK ON DOOR
Come in.

Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Mike.

Feeling all right?

Yeah, how are you?

Excited. You're excited?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Say the word "metronome" between
every tick of this metronome.

You may not touch or stop
the metronome.

Also, you must blow up
and tie a balloon

so it's bigger than your head.

Neatly gift wrap the balloon.

And eat three whole poppadoms.

You have five minutes.

The person who accomplishes
the most things

within the fewest
missed metronomes wins.

Your time starts when the metronome
starts. OK.

Also, you must blow up
and tie a balloon

so it's bigger than your head,
neatly gift...

That's a bit unfair actually cos I
have got a massive head.

It is big. So, you know, I bet
someone like Sarah Kendall,

who's known in the industry
as Pinhead,

you know, she'll just do that.

Blow up a balloon bigger than
your head,

wrap it, three poppadoms.

I'm in.
METRONOME BEGINS TO TICK

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome...

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Well, it instantly
sounds like a weird cult.

Have you got a pinhead?

Yes. Once you take the make-up
and the hair off,

it's about the size of your pencil.
Is it?

Is it?!

She does have quite a lot
of hair though. Are we including
hair in head?

Oh, no, you can't include hair.
Definitely not, that's the
wrapping paper.

No, hair is different to head,
that's why... It grows ON the head.

..there's two different words.
LAUGHTER

Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, me too.
Yeah. Yeah.

Let's cr*ck on.
So those rules,

accomplish the most tasks
with the fewest missed metronomes.

Lovely. We're going to start with a
guy who used to go

by the name of Niak, now we call him
Mike, yes Mike was Niak.

LAUGHTER Here... Here's his attempt.

Here's his attempt. Wow.

METRONOME TICKS

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

How are you at wrapping?
Metronome...

Metronome... So, so.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

You've got one minute left.
Metronome... Metronome.

MOUTH FULL: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.
HE CHUCKLES, SPLUTTERS

Metronome.
HE MUMBLES

It's all...all gone.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's all gone.
APPLAUSE

CRUNCHING

HE STOPS CRUNCHING
LAUGHTER

HE CRUNCHES, STOPS
LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I don't think there's
anything in life that fazes you.

Don't think people are fazed by
poppadoms, are they, normally?

But most people would, in their
response to a task like that,

you see some facial change
that would suggest

you think this is an unusual thing
to be doing.

I just like to be told what to do.

Is that what it is?

Yeah. Even if it's wrap a balloon,
say "metronome" and eating
some poppadoms.

I'm just like,
for the next five minutes...

..it's easy street.
LAUGHTER

You're a very strange man.

I'm just obedient.

He was very efficient.
He only missed one metronome.

Wow. Wow. Next.

OK, well, now it's time to hear
Sarah and Lee say metronome a lot.

But first I'd like to say
thanks to the person subtitling
this programme.

Thank you, subtitle person.
Here we go.

Five minutes.
METRONOME TICKS

Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome...
Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome! Metronome.

Metronome...

Metronome.

Is that bigger than my head?
Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Ow! Metronome.

Metronome. Can I just say it
in my head?

Metronome. Not really. Metronome.

Metronome... Grr!

Metronome. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome.

Met... Oh, hello! Metronome.

I didn't notice the time! Metronome.
Yeah, two minutes left.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metro... Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Met...
I knew I shouldn't have cut my
fingernails this morning. Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

POP!

I haven't... Metronome.

Metronome. I haven't
got... Metronome.

..the nerve.. Metronome. ..to do
this show. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome.

MOUTH FULL: Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Thanks for the water.

Metronome... Metronome.

Would you like some water?
Metronome.

Course I'd like some water!
What do you think?! Metronome.

..nome.

Metronome. Met...

POP!
Ah, f*ck!

Do I get points if I just metronome?

Metronome...

Metronome. Do I get another balloon?
Metronome.

Do you want me to get you another
balloon? Metronome. Metronome.

It's very hot. Metronome...
Metronome.

INTO GLASS: Metronome.

Metronome.

Metronome... Metronome.
You've got one minute left.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome!

Metronome.

Metronome just went through
my nose.

Metronome.

Metronome...
HE CHOKES ON LAUGHTER

Metronome.

I've got a Bafta, me. Metronome.

MUFFLED: Metronome.

HURRIEDLY: Metronome!

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

AIR ESCAPES BALLOON
f*ck it.

Metronome... Metronome.

Metronome.

That was really disappointing.

I had really high hopes initially.

You had a real, um,
multitask metronome going on.

Yeah. Can I say that nothing...like,
if you were to go to, sort of,

give someone a visual representation

of what I feel like parenting
feels like -

that's what parenting feels like.
Right.

Are you doing a better job at home,
just to be clear?

No, not at all. Not at all.
LAUGHTER

Even worse was Lee who
started strong

and then fully malfunctioned
halfway through.

Went to pieces.

Just literally like watching
a robot short-circuit,

and once the food and fluid was
spilling out of your mouth.

Yeah. Did I hear you shout,
"I've got a Bafta?"

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

All right, it's break time.

Just time to go and pull up
all your neighbour's plants

and tell them there's been
a localised cyclone. Bye for now.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Little Alex Horne, update us,
please.

Before the break, the task involved
them trying to say "metronome"

between every click of the metronome
whilst also trying to blow up

a balloon bigger than their head,
then wrap the balloon up

and also eat three poppadoms.

I've got a classics
degree from Cambridge University.

Next up are Jamali and Charlotte.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metromome. Metromome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.
Metronome.

Metronome. I'm out of sync.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.
Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Is it bigger than my head?
Metronome.

What do you think? Metronome.

I can't see. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

BALLOON POPS

Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.
Metronome.

Not quite yet.

Metronome. Metronome.

HE LAUGHS

Metromome. Metronome.

Metronome. Metronome.

Metromome. Metromome. Metromome.

Metromome. Metromome.
Metromome.

PHONE: Metromome. Metromome.
Metromome.

APPLAUSE

Metronome. Metronome.
Metronome. Metronome.

PHONE:

Metromome. Metromome.

MUFFLED: Metromome.
Metromome. Metromome.

What am I saying? Metromome? What is
it?

PHONE: Metromome. Metromome...

Oh, my God, so dry!
No chutney and no f*cking... Done.

I'm done, man. You accomplished how
many tasks? All of them.

How many? I did metronome...enough.
Enough.

Ten seconds. Metronome.
MUFFLED: Metronome.

LOUD CRUNCHES

WHISTLE BLOWS

SHE CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

SHE COUGHS

AUDIENCE GROANS

What have you done?

I've had a bit of an accident.

APPLAUSE

Well, first things first, I'm not
going to penalise either of them

for saying the word "metromome".

Yeah. Both of them, weirdly.

Nice to know I'm not the only one.
Metromome!

It was "met your mum" by the end.

I've met your mum. I've met your
mum.

I've met your mum. Met your
mum. Met your mum.

I mean, that was absolute genius
by Jamali,

the recording the "metromome."
Oh, thank you.

Does it matter that Jamali, uh,
popped his balloon? Well, it said

to inflate it bigger than your head,
he did that.

He did that. It didn't stay bigger
than his head, but he did then wrap

it up neatly, as did Lee, to be
fair.

Yeah, they were both fairly
impressive.

I suspect that Charlotte stopped
saying "metronome"

half an hour before the end when she
decided to focus all of her

energies into neatly feeding
poppadoms into her mouth...

Get them down me. ..as if she were a
poppadom crunching machine.

She missed quite a few at the end.
Spinning them. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you tell me some statistics?
Yeah, I think we have to, really.

I mean, Sarah didn't complete
any of the tasks in the end.

But that's a good thing, right?

It's not a great thing. No.
Hmm ...m.

It's nice to know that's how
you run your home.

That's every morning.

Charlotte didn't eat all
the poppadoms

and missed seven or eight
"metronomes" at the end. No way.

That literally felt like half
an hour, you were doing that.

That's uncanny, that. These two, I
don't know what you want to do,

points-wise. I'm going to give them
one point each.

And these two, Lee and Jamali,
both missed three "metronomes."

Twice cos he was drinking and once,
obviously, cos he was doing a pun

so he missed one at that point.
I'll take it.

And what about the time when he was
reduced to salivating out

of his mouth and shouting about his
awards?

He stuck to... "Metronome" still
came out following the BAFTA claim.

Yeah. I can see you in a curry house
shouting about your BAFTA.

"Urrrgh ...FTA! Urrgh ...FTA."

So I'll tell you, it's joint second
and four points each to Lee

and Jamali, but the poppadom balloon
king was Mike Wozniak,

five points, one miss.

APPLAUSE Of course. Of course it was.

Scoreboard, please. Well, there's
two people on four,

two people on seven but the outright
leader

with eight points is Mike Wozniak.
Oh.

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Task number two, please.

Yes, team time again

and this one has some pretty dire
consequences for British wildlife.

Hello, Jamali. Hey, what's up?

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike.

How are you? Terrific. Nice.

"Draw the best
picture of a British animal."

"Each person must fill in one
section at a time

"and may not look at any other
section during that time."

"Every section must be used,
and you may not communicate

"with each other in any way during
the task."

"Best picture of a British
animal wins."

"You have three minutes per section.
Your time starts now."

How are you with British animals?
Not great.

I mean, first instinct is,
is hedgehog, obviously.

The Great British Hedgehog.

But maybe he'll go lion.
I mean, they're not common...

..but they're sort of emblematic,
aren't they?

Let's, uh, let's talk about what
constitutes a British animal.

It's nice that, uh, Mike, uh,
evokes the days of the Raj

by mentioning lions, but I suspect
you meant more domestic creatures.

Well, yeah, you had to second guess
the rest of your team-mates.

They couldn't speak to each other in
the gap, so I thought people would

go for a mountain hare, like you get
in Scotland, or...

Yeah, that classic, classic
British...

..badger. ..creature, a mountain
hare.

Let's have a look.
Here we go. It's a montage!

Uh, some hedgehog legs.

It's quite beautiful, innit?

Yeah. What is it?

Pidgeon.

Perhaps he can be having a nice
walk on a mossy surface.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah, I've totally messed it up.

Please go away and you can come
back in three minutes. OK.

Thank you.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Charlotte.
Hello.

"Draw the best picture..."
"..of a British animal."

Your time starts now.

It's gonna have to be... That's
going to be its feet.

Oh, what could it be? It'll be a
bird of a sort. It'll be a bird.

Uh, a Burford Brown hen.

What's your relationship
with these hens? Posh eggs.

So, they are the feathers of a
grouse.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you.

We'll see you in six minutes' time.

Straight to it?
Yes, your time has started.

Do you think he's
carried on with hedgehog?

I mean, there's a chance,
isn't there? It's a gamble.

What's a British animal? A fox.

A rabbit is what I meant by that.

Is that a kangaroo?

WHISTLE BLOWS
I'll see you in three minutes, Mike.

Thank you. I've had a little time to
think about this,

about how ridiculous it is.
I mean, how can we possibly know?

Because it's... We're still pissing
in the dark, aren't we, here?

Yeah, but, even if you're pissing in
the dark, you know roughly where to
aim.

Two minutes left from this section.

Oh, have we start...? You didn't...
That's not fair.

I'm just going to carry on drawing
what I was doing.

Wings.

Yeah, I f*cked that up.

WHISTLE BLOWS

This seems like a good eye level
so I'm hoping Lee hasn't eyeballed.

Lovely green eyes.

Oh, that's a bit worrying cos I've
got a little bit of something there.

There's a hint of rabbit
right there.

Right. Now, I'm going to have to
assume that this,

this would be the head.

This is entirely ear.

WHISTLE BLOWS
There you go.

WHISTLE BLOWS
All right. All right.

OK. Goodbye.
It's not good, is it?

It might be.

Well, it looks like it's going to
fit together a treat!

We're actually going to look
at the team of three first of all,

what they did, and it combined to
look like this classic.

Oh, my God. ..British wildlife.
It's quite noble.

It's moulting a couple of wings
and its legs. Mm.

I should say, Jamali did the fourth
and fifth section.

They're actually quite beautiful.
They are. Jamali can actually draw.

Unfortunately, they don't join up.
He didn't give himself enough of a
hint.

That's cos you covered it. I
couldn't remember where I put it the
first time.

Yeah. That is true, partly my fault.
I wouldn't worry about that, mate.

Someone's put some kangaroo legs on
it. It's been absolutely ruined.

Um, and actually, I've done
a physical representation of it,

-Greg, in
-D form. If you have a look
in your little drawer...

Yep, it's horrible. Let me see it.

Beautiful. Ahh, mate. That's
beautiful. What you talking about?

Imagine seeing that in the wild.
You'd want it as a pet.

But if you saw it in the wild, if
you were just walking along,

and it stepped out... I'd k*ll it,
yeah. You'd stamp it to death.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but then I'd take it
home and show my children
afterwards.

I would assume it's giving me
quests.

I'd wring its neck as soon
as look at it. That's so sweet!

They're already endangered.

I think it does look quite British.

Its sort of bottom half
is like an, an upturned acorn,

so that is quite British.
I can't believe you made it.

There it is.
Are you talking to it, Greg?

I am growing affectionate
towards it.

That's it, come on.

Oh, dear God... Oh, wow. Oh.

Wow. That's it, let Daddy feed you.

WHISPERS: Shh, he's asleep.
He's feeding.

OK, it's time for some more
advertising.

Maybe buy a big pair of scissors to
cut your credit cards up,

or a rug cleaner - up to you.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello, we're back again,
it's Taskmaster, it's part three

and it's Little Alex Horne
and his Little Alex update.

♪ Little Alex update. ♪

Yes, before the break the teams
were trying to draw
a picture of a British animal,

but they had to draw a bit of it,

cover it up and then let the next
person in their team take over.

Now it's time to have a look at what
Mike and Lee came up with together.

It looks like this, Greg.

Ooh.

It depends where you're taking
the eyes cos it's a bit LIONEY.

It's a four-eyed beast.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No.
That's a four-eyed beast.

No, no, that's a hat.

It's a novelty hat that it's
wearing, of a bird.

It's a British animal that can go
out and purchase a hat?

It's a... Yeah, we did two heads.

Can I just ask a question? Yes.

Does it feed through its beak
or through its stomach mouth?

Uh...
It feeds through its beak,

but it feeds its young
through its stomach mouth.

The young will assemble
in an orderly queue

and then what is
emitted from that, urgh,

is the...

They lap that up.

So just to be clear, it eats through
its beak. Yeah.

It semi-processes the food.
Yeah.

Its young gather round.
Yeah. Queue up.

Sorry, they queue up.
It's an orderly species.

They feed. They say thank you.

They feed through their beak?
Through their beak.

They just have to open their beak
and then the stomach...

..squeezes it out to sort of paste.

And is that....?

It's a bit like a sausage
of chicken meat.

Same sort of consistency.

Everyone knows this about the
hedgehog-legged owl. Yeah.

-There is a
-D version in your draw
again. How exciting.

I think you'll enjoy this one.

Oh, God.

So....

Wow.

The top head is quite
serene as you can see.

Yeah. Oh.

Well, Greg, you've got to judge
these two Great British creatures.

I suppose I've got to
think about which would benefit
the British Isles the most.

Yes, you do. Always. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

Yeah.

I'm going to give
three points to one creature

and two points to the other because

I think they're both
wondrous creatures

and I'd be happy to be wandering
across a moor and to bump into
either.

For me,
the hedgehog-legged owl takes it.

Ooh. And I'll tell you why.
Yes, please.

Just a small fact that Mike
threw in,

in Britain we queue.

So, the fact that this creature
has had the sense

to teach basic manners to its young

means it takes an extra point.
There's two points.

Three points for this creature,
two points for that.

I have made my judgment.

Well, then that's three points
to Mike and Lee.

APPLAUSE

Happy with that.

HIGH VOICE: Can we have another,
please?

Always, especially
when you fly Taskmaster Airways.

Oh.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hello, Mike.

Charlotte.

Hiya.
You look very happy.

Yeah, I'm in a plane.

Hello, Sarah.

Alex.

Welcome on board. Thank you.

Hello?

That's it.

"Record the greatest aircraft safety
announcement

then perform the greatest aircraft
safety demonstration."

"Your announcement must be
in an accent."

"Your announcement must be in an
accent or language other
than your own."

"And your demonstration must be
unforgettable."

"You have minutes.
Your time starts now."

Eek.

Good grief.

Do you understand the task?

I, I'm afraid I do.

This is...this is...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Lorraine Kelly.

This is the greatest safety
announcement you'll ever hear.

So I've got to do like an accent?

Which is...? Or a different
language. Do you speak any other
languages? Yeah.

Petite parlez vous en Francais.

Ooh, French. Yeah.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Stay in your seats
and stay facing forward, forward,

Cheryl Cole South Shields, forward.

I'm so sorry.

Everyone.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Charlotte's, er, children's TV show
really, really taking form there.

We're in a plane boys and girls.

Where are we this week, Charlotte?
"I'm in a plane. Eek."

Oh, God.

It's the end.

Um, Jamali, that is
one sweet French accent.

Yeah, yeah, and that's...
I...I...I can't say a lot.

Well, un cheval.

Merci. Merci beaucoup.

Il est dans le jardin.

Shall we? OK, so, we're going to see
five, hopefully, unforgettable

aircraft safety announcements

and first of all we're going to see
a hint of Jamali and a snifter
of Lee. Good luck.

Bonjour.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Well, good
afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

this is Captain Perigan Twatcustard,
welcome aboard the flight.

If you look out of your window
to the right you'll just see,

uh, in the distance there
Mount Everest,

which is a little bit of a concern

given that we're going from Heathrow
to New York.

In the eventy

of, eh, bon crash,

a life jacket,

eh, uh, bonito.

Ca va.

In the unlikely event of the
plane landing on water

and I, of course when I say landing
I do of course mean crashing,

uh, underneath your seat you'll find

a really, really long snorkel,

uh, and you're going to need that.

Comment tu t'appelles?

Je m'appelle.

Quel age as-tu?

J'ai dix ans.

La mer.

In the unlikely
event of a sudden evacuation,

please make sure you do use
the toilets.

Obviously, just a little bit of a
light-hearted joke there to make
you feel calm,

but seriously if you do need a sh*t,

please use the toilets.

The fire exits are situated,
uh, above your heads

and will drop down from the ceiling

or is that oxygen masks?
I can't remember but please, uh,

please remember
the chances of survival are slim.

Don't forget, peanuts are available.

Have a nice flight.

Bonjour.

Au revoir.

Comment tu t'appelles?

Merci.

APPLAUSE

I think that's pretty,

pretty good.

Yeah, I think I would be very happy
to take off now.

Thank you, Jamali. Ah, no.

Um, when you said before we saw the
film that you didn't speak that much
French. Yeah.

Because I'd seen your first
pronunciation and was impressed
by it,

I thought,
"Jamali's just being modest."

You weren't being modest.

Yeah, but I'm surprised that
I actually got some words.

I don't think we can count
"aircrafty".

Aircrafty's, that's pretty French,
hombre.

Hombre!
You said, "Welcome on board...

..welcome aboard the aircrafty."
Yeah.

And then... Facts.

And then said, "What's your name?
How old are you?"

Clear and concise, I'm just trying
to spread your audience more to
France.

Get a European audience.

Thank you.

Um, who's this guy?
Who's this character?

I hated him by the way. Thank you.

I counted four times that you
predicted

the demise of all the passengers.

Isn't that what all safety
announcements are?

They only talk you through the
worst-case scenarios, always.
and that's what I was doing.

I was just pushing it a little bit
further. You pushed it a bit
further in that

you said that everyone
was going to die

and that the chances
of making it to the other side

were virtually zero.

In a crash that is probably true.

Then they can relax because actually
if you start thinking,

"What do I need to do if it
crashes?"

If you go, "Oh,
actually nothing I'll probably die
you actually enjoy the flight.

OK, who's next?

It's time now to look at
and listen to Charlotte and Sarah.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: This is the
greatest safety announcement you'll
ever hear,

accompanied by the greatest aircraft
safety demonstration.

Stay in your seats and stay facing
forward if you think

this is the greatest safety
announcement you've ever heard.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

...Airlines.

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

Oh, oh.

Keep your luggage in the overhead
lockers if you agree.

If you don't agree, get up
and jump out of your nearest window.

Your choice, a free world.

Oooooh!

SHE SCREAMS

How does this f*cking thing work?

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

Aargh!

...and die!

Good to see you're all
still here. Clap with me.

Click with me.

Off we go.

Applause.

SHE CLAPS

Aargh!

SHE SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

...your flight.

So, the challenge was the greatest?
Yes.

Greatest steward's announcement.

Had to be unforgettable as well.

So, what part of greatest were you
attempting?

Unforgettable.

You put more emphasis on
unforgettable?

I mean, I can't do
accents or speak another language,

uh, so that's what it ended up as.
Yeah.

Yeah, you're right it,
it is difficult to justify.

But it's an unforgettable
safety announcement

and if I saw that announcement,

I'd never forget that. Yeah.

Charlotte is hiding from you.

I'm not.

Why? It's not like she's done yet
another performance on a children's
TV show.

Clap with me, click with me.

Well that, that could be... Spice
it up. Ooshie's catchphrase maybe.
Spice it up.

This was the task she apologised
about most. She apologised to
everyone in the end.

Have you apologised personally
to Lorraine Kelly yet?

Yes, yes, I've written her
an email

and I have haven't heard back.

Right,
that's the end of another part,

but if you want to see someone
take home

Sarah Kendall's wobbly sausage of
chicken meat,

well you know where we are.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, welcome back for the third
time today.

You'll get to feast your eyes on
the credits soon enough.

But, first, how are our flight
attendants doing, Alex?

Well, all badly.

I don't know. You're the judge.

The last person we're going to see
is the person who looks

more like a pilot than any actual
pilot.

It's Mike Wozniak.

HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK GERMAN:

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Evoking the sitcoms of
the s there.

I don't know how much of that was
genuine German.

Quite a lot, I think? It's basically
every German word

I can remember from GCSE German.

And he was a cheeky little sausage,
wasn't he? He had a bit of sass.

Did you enjoy shnurrbart?

I enjoyed shnurrbart.

I enjoyed him displaying
his backside which, of course,

with Mike, as we know, is
a dangerous activity.

Was that on the same day?

It was about an hour before
it happened.

That's the, sort of, last recorded
footage of my tooshie in

its sweetest era...

..before it moved to a very
different part of life.

Even though he was
predicting death,

he was such a jaunty character.

I guess I'm going to judge these on
who I'd be most comforted

getting in a plane with,
and for some reason

I would be less unnerved by Mike's
character. So, five sweet points.

Well done, Mike. I would rather be
in the company of Charlotte's

children's TV presenter and Jamali's
smooth-voiced Frenchman than

I would be with these two absolute
nutters. So, the four points...

Four points to Charlotte and Jamali.
And for the lunatics - three.

Three points to Lee and Sarah.
But five points to

the tooshie in its sweetest era.

APPLAUSE Sweet tooshie action.

Quick look at the scores,
please, Alex.

Well, series-wise, Charlotte is now
in the lead.

That's... No, the opposite.
Sorry, she's on .

Jamali's on .

Lee and Mike both battling it out
for second. .

Nine points ahead at the moment,
Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE

And in terms of the episode -
exciting! Jamali and Lee,

joint second on . But the leader,
with points, is Mike Wozniak.

APPLAUSE

All right, everybody, make your way
to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Ooh, what a contraption.

Who's going to read it?
Charlotte Ritchie.

Pop.

Pop! Well, it's sticky now, isn't
it? So, I might as well embrace it.

OK. Stand on either one leg or
both legs...

..you must do so one at a time
behind this curtain,

with your hands on your head.

The Taskmaster will then guess

if you're standing on either
one leg or both legs.

If he guesses correctly
you are eliminated.

The last person standing on either
one leg or both legs wins.

So, one at a time, you're going to
hide behind the curtains

and you're either going to be like
this or like this.

Once your hands are on your head
you cannot change

the number of feet that are on
the floor.

So, it's Charlotte to play first.
Please enter the standing booth.

OK.

Take as long as you want to
get in position,

but once your hands are on your
head, Charlotte, that's it. Ooh. OK.

You can't see my legs, can you?

No, there's a curtain there. OK.

LAUGHTER OK.

They're on, Greg. She's all yours.

Well, she's a trained actress,
so that wobble's very natural.

One leg or two?

Are you on one leg or two?

I'm asking you. I'm not telling
you. OK.

Well, I hope I'm wrong in many ways,
but I'm saying,

with some confidence,
she's on both legs.

She's standing on two legs? Yeah.

My career is actually over,
isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Thank you. You are out of the game.

I can't believe that.
I was so convinced.

Next up to the standing booth,
it's Jamali Maddix. Come on, Jamali.

Oh. He's in, Greg.

Yeah, he is. Don't forget, Greg,
just keep an eye on me

and I'll tell you what
he's doing.

I'm already less confident than
I was.

OK, hands on the head.

I think he's on one.

Ooh. Oh!

Sweet wobbling. Method. Method
acting.

Sweet, sweet wobbling. I was
practising over there.

Method acting, mate, I got into
the role.

Jamali, can you tell me how you do
that? Jamali...

I thought he was double bluffing me.
Yeah, thank you. Good stuff.

Jamali is through to round two.

Lee, would you mind entering
the standing booth?

OK, let's dance.

LAUGHTER

I haven't started yet.

Here we go. Come on now.
Here we go.

Oh, that's nice.

They're on. That's nice cos he's
leading me to believe

that he's on...

No, I know. He's out.

He's on one leg.

Argh!

Lee, you're in round two
with Jamali Maddix. Ah.

Mike Wozniak,
you're into the machine.

I'm not... I'm not playing mind
games with you,

but I know you're out straight
away. Yeah?

I know your face. Hang on.

Look at me.

They're on.

There's a gentle sway there,
isn't there?

You're trying to sell two,
but you're standing on one.

Is he?

Out, vile jelly!

OK, so at the moment, it's just Lee
and Jamali in round two.

I've got my groove now. Bring
Kendall into the lion's den, please.

With all that hair I wouldn't risk
one leg, you're top-heavy.

She's in.

This is all fine,
she's allowed to do this. Yeah.

She needs to get her hands on
her head.

She's yours, Greg. It was creative
but you're on two legs.

f*ck!

We have three people in round
two, Greg. Oh, man.

Jamali Maddix, please re-enter
the standing booth.

Oh, lovely. Oh, clever. Yeah.

The hands are on the head.

That's a sweet technique.

It is, innit? It is. Yeah.

Oh, is it one leg or two?
Ah, dunno!

Zut alors.

Yeah. Je... Je vais...

I don't want to be arrogant,
but the man's on one leg.

Yes! You're quite right, Greg.

Worth a try.

You know what that was a classic
case of? Hubris.

Flew too close to the sun,
yeah. Yeah.

But it was exciting.

Only Lee and Sarah surviving.

Oh. Oh.

Schoolboy error, that, weren't it?
Gag before.

Here we go.

I'm going for the Jamali
technique of concentration.

The hands are on the head, Greg.

Just looking for a slight tremor.

Is that a heartbeat?

The man's on one leg.

AUDIENCE GROANS
Ah!

Lee Mack survived. We have
a finalist or a winner.

Good technique.

This is it. Kendall's been such
a big player

in this competition so far.

Come on, Sarah.

We've seen this before.

It's tried and tested.

LAUGHTER

She's mine for the taking.

She's on one leg.

Yeah, she is! Holy moley!

Which means we have a winner,
Mr Lee Mack. He takes it.

What a game.

What a climax.

Come down, let's see how that's
affected the final scores.

That must've affected things,
young fellow, my lad. It really has.

What a game of bluff, double bluff,
triple bluff, and more bluff.

Yeah. Only one point each to
Charlotte and Mike.

They went out in the first round.

Then we lost Jamali and Sarah,
three points each,

but the winner of One Leg Or Two
was, of course, Mr Lee Mack.

Took it. The old, knackered legs.

And quite an episode, this.

Up and down people were, in and out,

under and below, up we go!

And the winner...

LAUGHTER

And the winner, with a total of
points, he wasn't in the lead,

but he is now, it's Lee Mack!

Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lee wins!

Please go all wobbly for your
wobbly things!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you
find yourself out,

wandering on the moors, and you hear
a strange noise that draws

you in and you want to discover
what its source is...

HE GRUNTS AND SNAPS

..try not to worry, it's just
Charlotte Ritchie powering through

some poppadoms.

Bye for now. See you next time,
but not until we've applauded

tonight's winner once more,
Mr Lee Mack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE