12x03 - The End of the Franchise

[bunniefuu]

Ah!

Nngh. Spch!

Ooh! DING

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm.

Oh!

STRAINS

Oh, I like that.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everyone.
Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies,
or as I'm known in Spain,

the snake-hipped matador
of authority, El Maestro de tareas.

When I asked our new contestants why
they would want to put themselves

through the gruelling challenges
of this show, the consensus was

they wanted to show a different side
of their personalities.

Now, just two episodes in, they're
all screaming, "Not that side!

"I've kept that side hidden!

"Why do you want to show that side?"

Let's see if we can calm them down.

They are Alan Davies!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Desiree Burch!

Guz Khan!

Morgana Robinson!

And Victoria Coren Mitchell!

CHEERING

And next to me,
a man who walks like

a weird Victorian
clockwork toy soldier.

It's...

..little Alex Horne!

I've got my, uh,
latest invention with me. OK.

It's a prototype.

It's called an Alex,
and you can ask it anything,

Anything at all,
and it will answer it.

You can just say, "Alex, what's the
weather going to be like tomorrow?"

TUNE PLAYS

Tomorrow, the weather in UK
will be fresh. Fresh. There we go.

So any question, it will answer it.

Can I ask it who Greg Davies is?

Yeah, by all means.

Alex, who is Greg Davies?

TUNE PLAYS

Greg Davies was born in Wales
in the s.

Very old. Very old.

That's the end of it, is it?

That's all it could find out.

Right. On we go.

What's the prize task category,
Alex?

Today, you asked them to bring in

the most old-fashioned thing
that you still use.

I'd bring in my stirrups,
or my petticoat.

As always, there are five points
available for the best item

brought in, and the winner of the
episode will take home all five

old-fashioned things and have the
makings of their very own museum.

Stirrups or petticoat, is it?
Well, yeah.

It's something I would still use,
so yeah.

It's just amazing that stuff's...
pre-written.

LAUGHTER

Morgana.

I've brought in me nana's whizzer.
OK!

Yes, it's not a euphemism.
Here it is.

They don't make them
like they used to.

It's, it's built like
a brick shithouse. Is it?

I use it at least once a week

and I think of my nana every time
I whizz up a bit of aquafaba.

Right.

In order for this
not to come last...

Oh, no!

..you're going to need to turn up
the emotional knob quite a lot.

So are you very close to her?

She's in Australia. No, then.

Well, emotionally, yes.

But geographically, no.

So... OK. Last place.

Who's next? Alan.

I've brought in a VCR
and a VHS cassette.

Yes. Ooh!

Yes. The player and the cassette.

And Jonathan Creek?
A happy time?

Yeah, happy time, happy memories.
That's how I once looked.

I always had that expression
on my face throughout the ' s.

You are largely going with
that face now.

I like that, Alan,

and it, it speaks to me
as a man of a certain vintage.

Desiree, what have you brought in?

Well, I have brought in, uh,
my chaise longue.

But now that I've moved to the UK,

I've come to understand that
there are various names,

so I think this might actually
be a fainting couch.

ALL GASP

that's nice. That is nice.

Yeah, I want to say
it's from the s-ish.

At least that's what they told me

when they charged me
several hundred pounds for it.

And, you know, it's the kind
of thing I can come home,

unwind, just relax and think about
how fabulous my life was that day

and how even more fabulous
it will be the next day.

Yeah, it's lovely.
It's a lovely item

and before it goes to its owner,
or back to you,

I hope I get to have
a little drape on it.

I hope so too. I would like to
personally see that

and keep that in the old
memory file.

Whenever you want.

Right, I've been a bit thrown
by a good prize, Guz,

so, uh, help us out.

I believe the key issue
that we all face in

is the social media.

All the time, we're being
bombarded with sh*t

and opinions that be messing up your
psyche and your emotional state,

so I like to detox from
what they call the smartphone,

which I think is ruining the world,
by using an old-school phone.

Ooh. Yes!

That is a lovely, lovely bit of kit.

Thank you, bro. And I've had that

since the day it came out of the box
new, so there's

an emotional attachment to it.
Has it got Snake on it?

It's got Snake on it, bro, which
is even better than the original.

Snake , This Time It's Personal?

Um, it's a, it's a
genuinely good prize.

Victoria, what have you brought in?

Tippex.

Vintage.

Because I'm absolutely with Guz
about the internet.

One of the other things
that's wrong with it

is some kind of mistake
stays there forever.

You do something stupid as a
teenager, it's there forever. Yeah.

In my world,
you type things on paper.

Don't like it? Bit of Tippex
over the top, it's gone.

Well, look,
I'm, I'm passing judgment.

Before I do, Victoria,
are there any prizes here

that you think are
worse than Tippex?

Well...

I mean, the thing is,
I have all the other things,

apart from the chaise longue,
which I covet.

So I've already decided
that Tippex is better than,

than three of the things.

So you think I should put you
at the number two slot?

Yeah. OK.

Well, should I, should
I put four points to Victoria?

No. Let me have a little think.

No, I'll tell you what.
Let's give Victoria one point.

One point.
For bringing some Tippex in.

Oh, God, Morgana.

Don't! Look, don't.

OK. So is that two points
to Morgana?

Yeah, I'm sorry. OK.

Um, three points to Alan.

Oh. Three points for the VCR.

Now, here's the controversy.
Guz versus Desiree.

A lovely chaise longue
versus some rubbish old phone.

But let me explain my thinking.

I just... I despise social media

and I love that Guz
is just taking time out,

and I think it's a really positive
message for the kids, I really do.

Yeah. But I am going to
put you second.

LAUGHTER

OK, so five points to
Desiree Burch. All right!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right. Let's see a task proper.

Copy that. And copy me.

CHORAL MUSIC

Hey. Hi, Desiree.

Hello. Hello, Victoria.

Hello. It's really tight
in this church.

You, you look a bit wedged.

It's a very good word.

Copy Alex.

Alex will demonstrate
his actions twice.

Then you will have one attempt
to copy Alex.

Closest copy wins!

I like this one.

Are you wearing your earpiece,
Morgana?

Are you wearing your earpiece,
Morgana?

I haven't started the actions yet.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

You can watch me. Right.
You can make notes.

Oh... Oh, OK.

Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS
One, two, three, four,

two, two, three, four,

start.

Nine.

Oh!

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five. That's bad in the church.
That's sacrilegious.

Four.

Three.

Two. GONG

One.

MUSIC STOPS

Stop.

Whoa.

It's very religious at the end.

Ooh, there's so much to remember,
I've forgotten everything. OK.

How you feeling, Alan?

Oh, uh, very confident.

LAUGHTER

Very confident.

Could easily have been replaced by,
"What does it matter?"

Mm. Just to copy you, haven't they?

Yes. So I should say,
I did it twice and they watched me.

When they were doing it,
I wasn't doing it.

So it was remembering
as well as copying.

And they were allowed to
write things down?

We gave them a piece of paper with
the word Taskmaster on the side.

Yeah. And then they had
one go to do it. Sweet.

Do they got rhythm?

Let's find out as we begin with
Morgana, Guz,

and Greg Davies's brother,
Alan Davies.

Er, whenever you're ready,
you can say, "Let's go."

OK, let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS
One, two, three, four,

two, two, three, four,

start.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two. GONG

It's really tight. One.

MUSIC STOPS

Stop.

Mm.

LAUGHTER

Ah!

PLINK

Have you finished?
Finished, yeah.

Finished a bit late, I think.

I'll, uh, get out of your way.

Little bit in your, in your hair.

Do you want me just...?

Ooh, just give him five.
That was so lovely.

Yeah.

I mean, the universal response
to watching things like that,

and it's, "Aww."

LAUGHTER

I thought Morgana
improved on your performance.

She made something new out of it.

And Guz brought a real intensity
to it

that was lacking in your performance
as well. Right.

So you're marking me down?
Yeah. OK.

Because I think they did
very well.

Yeah, I mean, there's
a complicated marking system.

I looked at the timing, the number
of moves, the order of it,

and then they got a bang-on bonus.

And they did get
a couple of bang-on bonuses.

You saw they did the elastic bands
at the bang-on spot.

I mean, that was...

Alan did get the highest score
in terms of the number of moves,

uh, but he didn't get
any bang-on bonuses

and his timing
he got a minus score.

That's cos I couldn't really
read my handwriting

cos I'd written them down
whilst watching you.

Can I say something, yeah? I didn't
want to air-shag the church.

He was air-shagging the church.
I was not air-shagging the church.

It looked like air-shagging to me.
Listen, we've all got eyes, mate.

You were air-shagging in the church.

It was a deconsecrated church,
need to make that clear. Mm.

What I saw was you very dutifully
looking up to God

and being like, "Thank you for
this bit, this is really great."

Like, you looked really like,
this is a glorification.

I feel like... Yeah. That's what I
was doing. I feel like that was OK.

I'm sure you'll both be very happy
together in hell.

Gary?

Gary?!

Gary!

It's the end of part one, Gary.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we're back.

Hello, and welcome back to another
edition of part two of Taskmaster.

Yes, and before the break,
I did a little dance, and the

contestants are doing their best to
copy it as accurately as possible.

Last up - uh-oh - it's VD.

Yes, it's Victoria and Desiree.

SHE EXHALES

Let's go.

MUSIC STARTS
♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Two, two, three, four

♪ Start... ♪

No!

Oh! I think it's that.

Damn it.

Wait, is it this yet?

Boy. Oh.

♪ Nine

♪ Eight

♪ Seven... ♪

Oh, it's this time!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

♪ Six

♪ Five

♪ Four

♪ Three

♪ Two... ♪ DONG!

♪ One. ♪

Stop.

MUSIC STOPS

APPLAUSE

That's too close.

I don't know how you made the rubber
band hit the thing. Yes.

Goodbye. I feel like I've let down,
like, God. I don't...

Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Very good. Yeah.

I mean, actually,
Desiree did pretty well.

Her demeanour was someone who was
absolutely getting everything

wrong, but it wasn't bad, was it?

Got off to a bad start, but really
brought it back. Yeah.

And then I asked for forgiveness
at the end at the exact right point.

Yeah. Well, Victoria, five bang-on
bonuses.

Yeah? Wow. She was good.

Cos there was a there was an easy
way of remembering all the moves,

cos there were ten moves and each of
them starts with a letter

that spelt out Taskmaster. Mm-hm.
Ah!

And also there's an easy rhyme,
which they should've remembered.

So it's tiptoe, ankle slap, stop and
shake

Karate chops, magic trick,
arty snake

Sexy moves, toss up a treat

Elastic band, return to seat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, I thought, when I saw you
before the show,

you looked all
excited about something.

LAUGHTER

Now we know what, don't we?

A lot of people will
find that charming. Mm.

Not this guy.

Well, according to my scoring
system,

there's a maximum of points
to be won. Yeah.

Not genuine points.

And, uh,
Alan only got out of that.

Then it was Guz who was second
worst.

Morgana got out of ,
Desiree . ,

but Victoria was by far
the best with . . Ooh! Wow.

So that's five points to
Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Well done, Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Scoreboard time?

OK, we have Alan in last place

and Desiree Burch in first place
with nine points. There it is.

APPLAUSE

Very good.
So what's next, please?

This one involves an issue
a lot of men suffer from

when sunbathing on a nudist beach.

Yes, it's a sandy bridge.

The lab, baby. Yeah.

Oh, I've got to close the door.

This is rather splendid.

Thank you.

That's a big egg.

No, no, everything else is small.

Is it?

LAUGHTER

I'm expecting a fire
because there's sand and water.

You can really play God in this,
can't you?

Ohh.

I think that's actual dirt.

What is that?

Thought it might be sugar.

I can't tell.
That's probably water.

It's never going away.

"Make the highest sand
bridge across the river."

"You may not leave the lab."

"Your sand bridge must
support the egg."

"And the egg must be able to
pass under the sand bridge."

"There are two bonus points for the
most extravagant sand bridge."

"You have minutes."

This is the sand, isn't it? Yes.

And there's just one egg? Yes.

Your time starts now.

OK, cool.

Just checking it's real.

Egg bridge? Lovely.

Well, I really enjoyed Morgana
thinking she could play God,

walking in and trying to blow
a tree over and failing.

But why would a grown woman enter a
room...

..and immediately eat some sand?

I can think of no good reason.

She did say she thought it might be
sugar, but even then, you don't...

I mean, this show just puts you in
such a state where you feel like you

don't know what you know, and I
don't know if I thought I was, like,

in Beverly Hills Cop or something,
and I was like,

"Ugh, what's in there?"

It was, like, "Oh, it's sand."

Incredible. Incredible scenes before
the task's even begun. Mm-hm.

Right. Who are we going to see?

Well, it's an incredible
coincidence,

but we're going to start with
Desiree and Victoria again.

Here they are.

Does the bridge have to be made
exclusively from sand?

I think you'd want the locals to
refer to it as the sand bridge.

My husband used to go to
Swansea to see his grandparents.

He would say the Chip Bridge.

It wasn't made out of chips.

OK.

Isn't this how the kids do it?

OK, interesting.

Now I just need another
ten of those.

Mm... I don't feel like this is how
Brunel would've done it.

Simple as that.

How the f*ck do I move that?

Does it support the egg?

Yes. Can the egg go under it?

Yes, it can.

Now, we just need the locals to call
it the sand bridge,

which they will do.

Yes.

No! All right.

The underlying principles are there.

Just pop that on there.

Ahh! OK, wait.

No, this... That's...

No. No. No, no.

OK, right.

Just washing my hands in.

Ooh, that's nice.

Right.

Is this just a random crow?

I think it's a raven.

The egg goes under.

Can it support the
weight of the egg?

Can I blast into the mountain?

There are two bonus points for the
most extravagant sand bridge.

Desiree, this is nothing.

Finished?

Done.

I mean, that's a great bridge,
right?

It's fine, is it? It's fine!

The cow's the problem.

Is it?

I'm done. I'd go quickly.

Yeah, I'm going.

Thank you, Victoria. Thank you.

Can I see it go all the way through?

Oh, yeah.

WHISTLE Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Wow. Amazing. Identical bridges.
So similar, isn't it? Yeah.

They were very similar bridges.

Extravagance, to both contestants,
is to put a cow on top of a bridge.

And Victoria's got quite a knack
of making it seem like it's her task

and you're the one doing it.

Yes. It's sort of, "Right. OK,
you're setting me a task,

"but I'll tell you right now,
this isn't right."

And I can imagine Alex going, "Yes,
yes. I'll do whatever you want."

It's a delight to behold.

You have this sort of, like,

unflappable authority that
you just... That's it.

..carry yourself with.

Is that genuinely how it looks to
you? Because, to me,

it looks like an absolute
disintegration.

No, I feel that you could walk
into any situation and say,

"Right, this is what we're going to
do,"

and anyone in the room would do it.
Yeah.

When all's said and done,
your authority's impressive,

but it was a terrible bridge.

Desiree, I think you misread
the task and you thought the task

was, er, eat some sand
and then make some sand castles.

She made some lovely sand castles.
She did.

Look, you've got this whole thing of
sand.

The only way I know how to get it
to do anything solid is to add

water to it, and then that didn't
work, and then I was, like,

"Maybe if I get it compact enough,
I can drill through..."

That didn't work.

And then I came to the same
conclusion that the house was

the only thing that would
ever make a bridge.

Yeah, I love the way that you list

the logical things you can do with
sand...

..post-eating it.

OK. So, it's two potential
sand bridge-making goliaths now -

Alan and Guz.

Ah, you're no help to me.

Sand bridge here.

Sand bridge there.

Water. Cos water's very fundamental
to building sand bridges, ain't it?

OK. I'm sure that was on Countryfile
or some sh*t.

Here we go, so...

I don't know...

I was thinking about making
a bridge out of that

and covering that in sand. OK.

But that doesn't really
feel like a sand bridge.

It feels like I might be straying
towards disqualification.

Look what I've done.

I've utilised the cow to build
a sand bridge.

It's starting to soak up the water.

If you can wet it, it'll stay on.

It's a bridge, ain't it? Yeah.

That's not sand though, is it?

Even if I put sand upon it...

..I don't think
it's in the spirit of the task.

Got to go underneath too.

Yeah, that's my concern.

I'm going to do something drastic.

Look, I know...
I know it's falling apart right now,

but look what I'm going to do.

You didn't think I had this in me,
did you?

It might work. I'm going to let
it rest on top of there.

I was going to say I've found a
crow,

but obviously I didn't find a crow,

I just scooped it into the
foundation.

OK. Now watch this.

Welcome to the world.

I believe that's passed through.

So is that a sand bridge or
a cow bridge? Well...

Look.

How's that for extravagant?

Four minutes left, Alan.

The sand bridge is collapsing.

It was looking good for a bit.

I don't know what to do now.
How long have I got? Not long.

You know, I've had this
idea for minutes now

and I've lost all confidence with
it in the last two minutes.

Oh!

Should've done
this in the first place!

Look, there's a... What's that?

Crow? It's a raven.

It's a raven for your
bloodclaat egg. Look at that.

I'm done, baby. Thanks, Guz.

Hurrah! Sand bridge.

Egg passing through...

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Wow! That was sick, bro.

Interesting.

Alan did make a sand bridge.

He did make a sand bridge.

His bridge was all sand.

And there was high emotion on
the way to the sand bridge being

created as well because when Alan
had formed his two foundations,

and he got a bit exasperated
and smashed them together,

in the studio, Morgana went,
"No, Alan!"

LAUGHTER

I was tru... I was on the edge of my
seat. Yeah.

It's incredible.

Guz, I feel like we're
getting to know each other now

and I think you've got a technique.

And it's this - huge
initial confidence...

..low score.

OK, but listen,

all we had to use was the tools
that we had at hand in there, yeah?

Quite. There's a big... Was it wood
or plastic, that house?

The house was made of a variety of
materials.

I'll tell you what the house
isn't made out of.

LAUGHTER

But it was still a sand
bridge on top of the house.

So if I go to the Forth Bridge
now...

Yeah. ..and I spread jam across it.

Advert time.

Go and make a cup of tea and
continue fooling yourself that

you're watching this nonsense
because the kids like it.

See you in a minute.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part three and we're in the
thick of an architectural task. Yes.

Last up, it's Morgana.

SHE SIGHS
There's nothing to use.

What happens now?

I mean, I've got a sculpture degree.
This is embarrassing.

I'm going
to do a couple of boulders.

Oh, look, that's cracking already.

This is a disaster.

Crow.

Troy. Do you know anything about
Troy? Helen?

What happened to Helen?

I don't f*cking know.

Do you know
how they rescued her? No. Ah.

How did they rescue her? They didn't
have a Trojan crow.

A horse. Ahh!

SHE GASPS

How long have I got? Five minutes!

Slight disaster.

Need some to sort of just...
that's very sandy.

Strengthen the foundations
with some rainbows,

and I think he's going to be
quite welcoming.

You've got seconds. Yeah.

It'd be hard to live here. Yeah.
Right?

Oh, the highest. No, no, no, no.
You've got two seconds.

You have to let go of your bridge.
I don't. Well, you do.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm going to propose this to the
council and see

if I can get some funding.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They, they've, they've gone ahead
with it, so that's lovely.

Do you think you would've go
the whole Helen of Troy thing

without Alex's help?

Yeah, yeah, %. Do you? Yeah.

I've looked it up since, and yes.
And there is.

Someone got in a tummy
and then they got through.

Yes, so they got into...
They got in a tummy? Yeah.

Interesting. Is it a sand bridge,
though,

with all of those things to help?

Should, should we have a look at all
five of the bridges?

Let's have a look at them.

Well, I can tell you that Victoria's
is actually the shortest at nine,

then Guz is . inches, Desiree ten
inches.

Alan's is a magnificent inches.

Hey. OK. Morgana's inches.

Ooh, wow. Well, le let's start with
the obvious, OK? Mm-hm.

Alan Davies is taking
five sweet points away. Yes. OK?

Well done, Alan. Yeah. Thank you.

APPLAUSE
Well done, bro. Full agreement.

I'm putting Morgana in second place.
Yeah.

In second from the top, with four.
Yes.

Cos it's the tallest one, but you're
saying it's not as sandy as Alan's.

Now, one of those isn't a bridge.
Right. And that's Guz, right?

You pushed an egg through that mess.
Yeah, I did. Right.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to put Guz at the bottom,
I'm afraid, with one point. OK.

Right, so all I've got to decide
is between

Victoria and Desiree, correct?

Yeah. Desiree's is one inch higher.

They are actually incredibly
similar, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah.

And it'd be difficult to
separate them.

If Desiree hadn't put that sweet,
sweet extra inch on it,

so she has to take an extra point,
I'm afraid.

OK. Who gets the two bonus
points for extravagance?

Yeah, I'll give Alan one
and Morgana one.

I've split the extravagance points.

So we go,
well, Alan gets six points

APPLAUSE

One more, please. Yes, indeed.

And it's time to boot up, kick back,
and watch the action unfold.

Hi, buddy. That was really cool.
Did you like that? Hi, th... Oh!

That's a fun pair of wellies.

WHISPERS: What?!

"Film the most thrilling second
sequence wearing the wellie cam."

Oh, is that a camera?

LAUGHTER

"You have minutes.
Your time starts now."

You know me.
I like to get things badda-bing.

Inside, outside, finished. That's
how I like to do my tasks, yeah?

Mm-hm.

Don't know whether to just get
the boots on straight away,

just in case anything thrilling
happens while I'm looking for props.

I mean, if I go out the front door,
fall over, that might

be the best seconds.

Lovely.

It's an, it's an age thing that
I can very much relate to,

that Alan thinks that the most
exciting part of his film is

possibly him falling over.

LAUGHTER

Um, I can't wait to see them. Can we
just get straight in? Yes, cr*ck on.

Yeah, it's the most
thrilling -second action sequence

and up first, here she is again,
it's Morgana Wellington.

LAUGHTER

GASPS

What was that noise?

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS

GASPS

PANTING

SCREAMING

PANTING CONTINUES

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

PANTING

PLAYS PIANO BADLY

SCREAMING

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm here.

SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Superb. That is superb.

Thank you.
Pretty, pretty nice start. Mm-hm.

I mean, when the third ghost
came along, I thought,

"Oh, I think
I'm starting to see a pattern here.

"Around every corner there'll be
a ghost and Morgana will scream."

Then you pulled it out of the bag
with the headless Alex. Twist.

Lovely twist. Thank you. Do you
want to know a trade secret? Go on.

I played all the ghosts.
Yeah, I knew that.

Like Eddie Murphy in Norbit.
And do you know how I knew that?

Because on nearly every occasion,

I saw your horrible plastic
slip-ons.

LAUGHTER

Next? Wellie, wellie, wellie,
who do we have next? Victoria.

I'm assuming you're going to put
some dramatic music on this,

so this is the title sequence.

BOND STYLE INTRO MUSIC

A crocodile swimming through a lake.

James Bond is disguised in it,
he leaps out, he scales a building.

A beautiful woman is lying on a bed.
You know what ensues.

But soon after, she's dead.

James Bond isn't responsible.

Yeah, he doesn't really seem to
care, he's so icy, his personality.

There he is, he's drinking a martini
and across the room,

the villain of the peace
with a, with a cat.

There's the villain.
James Bond shouts "Stop!"

The guy runs away, taking the cat,
but Bond sh**t him dead, pulls

off the cat's head, and inside,
nuclear weapons and diamonds.

He's spoiled the plan.

There's M, applauding.

Bond is finished with his work
and he's with a redhead on a yacht,

he's smoking, we know what's
occurred, and Bond says...

"I always said
the p*ssy was dangerous."

LAUGHTER

The end.

Wow. APPLAUSE

Right... Right, throws up that
age-old quandary, was it creative?

Or was it lazy?

That's... That's not lazy!

I...

The, the, the creative process
is in here. Yeah.

Not stomp, stomp,
stomp through the garden. Mm.

It's the first time your authority's
not worked on me.

LAUGHTER

Um, I enjoy the idea in a Bond
film that the villain might store

nuclear weapons inside a cat.

It's the sort of thing they do.
I've... I...

LAUGHTER

It, it's not the sort of thing
they do. Yes, because there is...

And I think if they did do that,
honestly, I think it would

be the end of the franchise.

LAUGHTER

Who's next?
Next, it's the acclaimed actor

and film-maker Guz Khan. Lovely.

QUESTIONING: Who-arr.

QUESTIONING: Who-arr.

AGGRESSIVELY: Who-arr!

INDIFFERENT: Who-arr.

Now, who are you, blood?

Who are you, blood?

GROWLING: Who-arr. Mm.

MORE POLITE: Who-arr. Ah.

CONFRONTATIONAL MUSIC

DETERMINED: Who-arr!

GROANING: Who-arr.

LAUGHTER

HE SLURPS

Who-arr.

APPLAUSE

Right.

OK, now, I'm going to say something
positive, which is I thought

your vengeful and dramatic drinking
of a glass of milk at the end...

Yeah. Really, really elevated
the whole piece. Yeah, yeah.

But the substance of the film is two
farmers saying "who-arr blood,"

to each other, and then one...

..one of them throws a wellie
into the other one's balls.

I think he started a new genre. It's
like a Yeovil western or something.

Oh, listen, the... Yeovil
western? That is exactly what

I was going for. That's what
you were aiming for, yeah? Yeah.

We wanted, as a, as a filmic piece,
to throw

you into the midst of this beef that
we very rarely see farmers have.

Yeah.
Do you understand what I'm saying?

His farmer ended up with the cow.

He stole my cow, and so beef is
actually, uh... Well, I saw it.

..double meaning. Yeah. I... I
saw him and your... WEAKLY: "ooh".

Was beef a deliberate double
meaning? Yes, it absolutely was.

LAUGHTER

Mm.

It's break time.

A time for Alex's parents to reflect
where they went wrong.

Spoiler alert - everywhere!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex, what's been going on?

Before the break, our half-price
Hitchcocks were attempting

to make a thrilling wellie-cam
action sequence.

There are only two films
left to see, and one of them

belongs to Alan Davies.

And this one belongs to Alan Davies.

So nice of Alex to let us have
a little boat trip, Victoria.

But down there, I can see, oh, giant
lizards.

Oh, that's amazing.

Wait, hang on a sec. How terrifying!

Enormous ducks.

"Cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep!"

LAUGHTER

Ooh, oh, my goodness!

That's the biggest du... Ahh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, Victoria. Can you speak?

"No, I'm underwater."

Ooh.

Oh, what a terrifying creature!

"Oh, my goodness, what are you doing
in my bath?"

Oh, you seem quite friendly.

"I am, actually.

"I'll help you. I'll get your boat
and I'll get rid of the horrible

"man-eating duck.

"Go away!"

Victoria, you've come adrift.
You're face down.

You're...

Oh... Yeah, you look really dead.

I guess this is... This is goodbye.

We couldn't be rescued.

VIOLIN PLAYS SADLY

ALAN LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Great film-maker. Very good.
It is great film-making.

You know, you could argue that
film's quite profound in many ways.

And there was certainly a very
involved narrative

in which I think Victoria perished.

It was Victoria. But I don't think
that was... Was that meant to be me?

No? Yeah, yeah, that's you, yeah.

So it was just a film
about me drowning? Yeah, I think.

Well, you weren't meant to drown,
but you came off the stick.

I was totally involved until we saw
that wide sh*t of a man

standing in a bath.

And, for me, the magic was gone.

That made it for me because, like,
I just saw a fully clothed man

in a tub and I was like,
"This person's a great Dad." Yeah!

Gives me cockles. But he's not doing
it for kids, he's doing it

for his own self aggrandising.

Who's next?
There's only one more to see.

And that one is
Desiree Burch's attempt. OK.

Cheeky little coffee. I wonder
where they keep the good stuff.

Let's see.

Whoa. OK. Probably not there.

That seems weird. And... Ah!

Oh, my God. OK, that's actually...

Maybe it's in... Whoa.

What?!

OK, that's somewhat
reassuring actually, but...

OK.

Alex? I think the house
has turned on us.

Alex?

Whoa.

Alex, are you all right? Ah, get
out. What?

This isn't a task.
The house is trying to k*ll us.

DESIREE SCREAMS

This is a health and safety
nightmare.

Linda! Linda!

How, could they?!

Maybe I...

It's a duck army.

Ah! Linda!

DESIREE SCREAMS

I'll give you all the bread
in my cupboard.

DESIREE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

Yes. Yeah, that was good.
That was good.

Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed your film,

and, amazingly, the final duck
att*ck was fairly chilling.

So, I mean, that house is so full
of, like, years and history

and all these little knick-knacks,
and I thought,

"You know, some of these have
a history, they have a life

"of their own." And in this one,
the house really decided, like,

"We want this bitch out."
So it turned on me.

Wow. Watching you seriously describe
the narrative of that film

really does show you what a load of
old nonsense art is.

LAUGHTER

I enjoyed every single one
of your films.

Oh. And it's a tough one to score
because I don't think any of those

films only deserve one point. OK.

I think he's been unfairly treated
in many ways because I think

that wide sh*t ruined it for him.

I'm going to give Alan Davies
two points.

I'm going to give Guz and Victoria
three points each.

Who-arr.

I don't know why, but that duck
att*ck really creeped me out,

so I'm going to give
Desiree five points. Yeah.

And Morgana four points,
and that's an end to it.

There we go, Desiree Burch
gets five points.

Let's have a look at the scores.

OK, well,
Guz is in last place with ten.

At the other end of the leader
board, Desiree has points.

Ah, there it is.

Right, for a change,
please can just Alan

and Guz head up to the stage
for the final task of the show?

Good.

Who's going to read the task out?

I think Alan Davies should
read the task out.

Which one's Alan, Alex?

OK. Correctly guess
your team-mate's object.

Your team-mate will represent their
object through the medium of shadows

on the screen.

Fastest correct guess
wins two actual points per round.

Yes, so this is a team task. Aha.

It is Alan and Victoria
versus Guz, Morgana, and Desiree.

They're both doing different things,
I should make that clear. OK.

There will be three goes.

OK, when I blow the whistle,
you may read your card

and start silhouetting.

WHISTLE BLOWS

An interesting fact,
they're actually facing us,

but it looks like they're
facing the other way. Are they?!

Isn't that weird? Yeah. Right.

The dove of peace...

..vomits forth...

..a message.

On this occasion, it's one word on
each card for this. Just one word.

Yeah. Guz, what are you actually
doing?

Morgana, any guesses?

Something... It's teeth.
It's something with teeth.

Yes.

I think Guz has cut out a silhouette
of himself and left the building.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's... Get away.
Uh, it's a t*nk? Get away.

Uh... It is a t*nk!
First guess gets it correct.

Oh, my God. So Guz... Nice. ..has
nailed it. Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry.

OK. We're going to wait to see
if Victoria can guess...

Oh. Uh, something with
a lot of sharp teeth.

Correct. And fork is emerging
from it. It's not a fork.

A tonsillectomy?

No. A dragon?

It is a dragon! It is a dragon.

Ooh. Now, Guz has won his team
two points.

But next, it's Morgana and Victoria
to go behind the screen.

Please. Go on, Morg!

When I blow the whistle,
you can read your card

and start silhouetting.

WHISTLE BLOWS

At the card-reading stage, Greg.

Ooh, snake. Walk like an Egyptian.

But there's snake down in hell.

So is... Demon, serpent.

Oh, there's like a fa...
Limbo dancer.

A bird is eating a snake. Uh, no.

A river? A tiny...

A worm.

Bird eats the worm?
The early bird gets the worm?

It is a worm.

OK. Guz didn't say a word,
But Desiree has earned two points.

In bed! You're in bed.

We're now just waiting to see
if Alan... Blanket?

Yes. It was a blanket.

There. Only just behind. Nice.

So the group of three
get another two points.

Team of three.

So there's one more round to go,
Greg.

Yes. Alan's back and this time,
he's up against Desiree Burch.

Off you go.

Alan and Victoria, you're yet to get
a point here, so good luck.

Let's shadow. WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, wow.

A jeweller?

Uh, detective.

Eyeglass?

Magnifying glass.

Sherlock Holmes.

Clues. I had you lot waiting ages,
didn't I?

The sun, a ball. Microscope.

It's a circle.

WHISTLE BLOWS
It is a microscope. Well done, Alan.

Brilliant. The team
of two get their first point. Wow.

Yay. But let's see what Desiree
comes up with.

I was going to suggest dragon,
again. Ooh.

Wrecking ball! Wrecking ball.

It is a wrecking ball.

Please come down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Lovely shadow work.

The team of two gained two points,

the team of three
gained four points each.

Nice. Lovely. Hm.

So I've got some final scores.

Please. Mm.

Well, I can first of all tell you
that Victoria

has come last for the third show
in a row.

Wow.

And this episode's winner is now
the series leader and that,

with points, is Desiree Burch.

Desiree Burch.

Desiree Burch won.

Please, go and attempt
your old-fashioned parade.

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that life is unfair.

Human beings are fallible,
and art can be cruelly subjective.

We've also learnt
Desiree Burch eats sand.

Thank you for watching.

Take good care of each other,
but first,

let's applaud the glory of
tonight's winner, once more.

Desiree Burch!

APPLAUSE