04x02 - The Cupid Crisis

[bunniefuu]

Forty, forty one, stop.

Nicholas, what's wrong?

I'm tired of counting.

Oh, great, you're tired.

Now, how am I supposed

to set my record?

Easy. You got to ,

do nine more and you got .

Nicholas,

it doesn't work that way.

You have to do

all at one time.

You can't just quit

in the middle.

It was your fault for making me

count in the first place.

I should have known

you'd blow it for me.

Tommy?

- What?

- I'm sorry. I..

I'll count all the way

to for you.

It's no use,

Nicholas, I'm pooped.

We could do it.

Okay.

One..

...two..

...three..

...four..

...fifty!

[theme music]

♪ There's a magic ♪

♪ In the early morning ♪

♪ We've found ♪

♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪

♪ On everything around ♪

♪ It's a portrait

of the happiness ♪

♪ That we feel

and always will ♪

♪ Oh eight is enough

to fill our lives ♪

♪ With love ♪

♪ Though we spend our days ♪

♪ Like bright

and shiny new dimes ♪

♪ If we're ever puzzled by ♪

♪ The changing times ♪

♪ There's a plate

of homemade wishes ♪

♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪

♪ And eight is enough ♪

♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Uh..

Game and match.

Ha ha ha, I suppose,

now you're gonna smirk.

Smirk? Me? After trouncing

a man that's geriatric?

Bring your family

to the park Sunday

and we'll see who's geriatric.

Alright, you name

the time and the stakes.

High noon.

And your losing team is gonna

buy dinner for my winning team.

Oh, wait a minute,

that sounds expensive.

I suspect treachery.

As well, you should.

You know, my new son-in-law,

played a little varsity football

at Chico state,

and Marcy's new fiance

'was nearly drafted

by the ers.'

Now, wait a minute, fiances

are hardly official family

for tush ball purposes.

They were when Abby caught

that lucky touchdown pass

three weeks before

you were married.

You snuck in

the fiances eligible rule

and I intend to keep it.

Okay, okay,

but I don't think it's fair

what with David

bumming around the country

trying to find himself.

Our team is a little short

of male personnel.

That's no problem.

Just marry off

a daughter or two.

At today's prices?

I'd rather lose at football.

[instrumental music]

Um, uh-I really

missed you, Susan.

- Really?

- Yep.

I had you on my mind,

so much, there was one time

in Fresno,

I called the umpire darling.

[laughs]

Su-Susan,

I really gotta talk to you.

Hey, Merle,

I really missed you

when you were out

on those road games.

Th-that's nice, Nicholas.

Hey, uh, would you rather

play catch a little later

I'd hate

to interrupt your plans.

That's okay.

When I heard you were coming

I saved the whole day.

[chuckles]

Susan, you be shortstop.

[sighs]

Come on.

You know,

you're all he talks about.

Don't worry, he tires easily.

Uh, how easily?

Oh, about an hour.

Merle, burn me one.

I just hope my control is back.

Last few games,

my fastballs been sailing high.

Dang it! Still sailing.

Uh-uh, sorry, Nicholas.

Oh, that's okay. You're probably

just used to taller catchers.

Nope, nope, I'm just rusty.

'G-get the ball,

we'll try again.'

Right, Merle.

- You're sneaky.

- Not sneaky enough.

I need something to get us

alone for at least an hour.

N-now, I've thought

it all over, Susan

and you gotta listen to me.

Okay, if it's that important.

[horn honking]

I don't believe it. It's David.

David, who?

It's David!

Hey, everybody,

our David's home!

- Oh, David, so good to see you.

- Hey.

Oh, what're you doing home?

Oh, why didn't you warn us?

How long you gonna stay?

David. The other brother

with lousy timin'.

[indistinct chattering]

- You've been gone so long!

- Only five months.

- Seems like five years.

- Really..

It was for one music post card

and six collect phone calls.

[chattering continues]

What's going on?

Dad, you won't believe it. What

if your fondest wish came true?

Nonsense, this house

is not about to spontaneously

grow another bathroom.

Dad, be serious, I said

your fondest wish. Go see.

No-first,

let me ask you a question.

Oh, yes.

What is this Stockwell fellow

doing in our front shrubbery?

- What're you talking about?

- Oh, you know, Merle Stockwell.

Your gentleman caller,

he's crawling around

in our chrysanthemum.

Oh, poor Merle, I forgot

everything when David came home.

- Oh, no.

- Who came home?

David!

[chattering continues]

Make room, everybody,

let me through.

Don't forget, I knew him first.

- 'Oh, dad. Oh.'

- David, welcome home.

Oh, Merle, I'm so sorry.

What? No problem, gave me

time to find the baseball.

I apologize, it's just, we

haven't seen David all summer.

Well, now that you've seen him

can we have that important talk?

Oh, could I take a rain check?

We're planning a

Welcome Home dinner for David.

Uh, ca-can I see you tomorrow?

Well, sure. Call me, okay?

Bye-bye.

Hey, Nicky,

Merle found your baseball.

Of course,

he's got the best eyes..

[chuckles]

Sure does.

Hey, Merle,

you wanna catch a few?

Uh, not now, Nicholas.

I'm kinda sacked out.

What's wrong?

Well, I don't want you to get

the wrong idea, slugger, but..

...when I come back tomorrow,

you think you can help me

get Susan all alone for a while?

If you want,

but three handed catch

is a lot more fun

than two handed catch.

I don't wanna

play catch with Susan.

Oh-ho, let me warn you,

she's a pretty lame batter.

Uh, actually, Nicholas

this is...bigger than baseball.

Can I ask you a question?

I was gonna ask you a question.

What's bigger than baseball?

Y-you think Susan likes me?

Everybody likes you, Merle.

Except the enemy teams.

Wait a minute, are you

getting mushy about Susan?

Let me put it this way.

How would you like it

if we were in the same family?

That'd be great.

But I know dad

and he wouldn't adopt you.

No, no,

I wasn't thinking adoption.

Between you and me, slugger

I was thinking about

becoming your brother-in-law.

My brother-in-law?

That's what I'd be

if Susan will marry me.

Really?

Really.

I accept.

(Abby)

'Didn't David

give you any reasons?'

- I didn't ask.

- You didn't ask?

Well, don't you think we're

entitled to some explanations.

I mean,

he runs out on a marriage.

He takes off on the road to

nowhere with a perfect stranger

we hardly hear from him

the whole months that he's gone

and then he suddenly

just reappears alone.

Tom, aren't you even curious?

Yeah, I'm so curious I itch.

Well?

I didn't want to scare him off.

I don't wanna open up

any old wounds.

My prodigal son is home

and I just want to enjoy it.

(Susan)

'Hi, Mare'.

Is David

all settled on the couch?

As well as anyone can settle

on that back breaker couch.

Are you gonna keep us

in suspense all night?

Yeah, come on.

Okay, here it is.

I'm sure he still loves Janet.

- Pay up.

- Hold it, Nancy.

Did he actually tell you that?

Not in so many words.

Well, forget paying up, Nance.

Well, uh-if he didn't tell you,

Mare, how did you know?

Because he didn't ask me

one word about her.

Well, he probably forgot

she even exists.

Look, if David lived with Janet

they were only hours

away from being married.

Now, if David didn't care

well, he would have politely

enquired about her health.

But, oh, no, instead,

he frantically sidetracked

the conversation

anytime we got close to her.

That's very discerning, Mary.

Well, I think he came home

just so we'd do his laundry.

No, Mary's right.

Male egos are really

delicate and I think

David's been so bruised,

he doesn't know what to do.

Well, I know what to do.

I invited him to brunch.

Oh, that's a great theory, Mary.

Cure a broken heart

with egg's benedict?

And I also invited Janet.

Does either one know?

Of course not.

You devil.

No...cupid.

Nicholas, are you sure

you're not making this up

to impress

the whole fifth grade?

No, Merle told me

that he's asking Susan

to marry him tomorrow.

Yeah, well,

remind me never to trust

Merle "The Pearl" Stockwell

with any secrets.

I trust Merle. It wasn't him

that blabbed, it was me.

But who can keep

news like this a secret?

Boy.

Nicholas, do me a favor, go to

sleep, you're gonna need it.

Dad's having football

practice tomorrow.

When?

Right after Dave and Mary

get back from the restaurant.

Okay, goodnight, Tommy.

Goodnight, Nicholas.

Goodnight, brother-in-law.

[instrumental music]

Um, David, w-why don't you go

ahead and I'm gonna freshen up.

Just ask for

the Mary Bradford table.

Okay. Can I order you anything?

Uh, why don't you wait

till I see the menu?

Whatever you say.

[instrumental music]

David!

Hello, Janet.

I don't find this very funny.

Then you had nothing

to do with it?

Well, of course not.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I-I didn't either.

Mary.

Wait till I catch up to her.

Hey, wait, wait.

Now, that, now that it's

happened though, can we talk?

Why?

Because I wish it hadn't been

Mary that had arranged this.

Wish it'd have been me.

I was waiting

to get the courage up.

Please, David, stop.

Most of all...

I wish I'd never left you.

Don't say that.

Well, it's true.

Why do you think I came home?

I think you better slow down.

Janet, I was the worst

fool in the universe.

You won't believe

how many days I spent

regretting that stupid

fight of ours.

Please, don't.

I don't blame you for doubting

me, but it's all true.

I could never really

run from you.

I love you, Janet.

I wanna start over.

[instrumental music]

No, David.

'It's too late.'

There's somebody new.

He wants to marry me.

[instrumental music]

Well, I-I guess I deserve it.

I didn't get you..

I didn't get involved

with Reed to punish you, David.

It just happened.

I didn't wanna see anyone

for weeks after you left.

Reed and I started as friends.

I really needed one.

And then we

discovered our lives

and ambitions

are exactly the same.

That's one thing

you can never say about us.

'Tell me, uh, this, Reed..'

...is he a lawyer or a doctor?

Second from the left in

Bridgeford Alison

Seagull Legal clinic.

'He'll be a judge someday.'

Would you do me just one favor?

That depends.

Don't tell me I'd like him.

But I think you would.

Which goes to prove that we

never did understand each other.

How about brunch?

I don't think

you'd enjoy the company.

I wanted Mary to meet Reed,

so I asked him to join us.

And just as always,

he's dependably prompt.

[indistinct chattering]

- Hi, darling.

- Hi.

Reed, uh, there's something

I've to explain.

He's not a female

medical student.

Right. On both accounts.

[chuckles]

I, uh, I thought

we're meeting the sister

of that flaky Bradford guy.

Actually, I am that

flaky Bradford guy.

I see. Well..

I don't suppose I can really

object to a reunion, but, uh..

'...this does seem

a bit obvious.'

It wasn't his idea, Reed.

Oh, I see,

just an unfortunate accident.

Well, those things happen.

Goodbye, Bradford.

I wasn't leaving.

(Reed)

Oh, yes, you are.

And from what I hear, your

greatest talent is disappearing.

This time you can do it

without hurting Janet.

Let her speak for herself.

She already has, Bradford.

The first six weeks

we knew each other

that's all she talked about.

Now, let's understand

each other.

'You're never going

to hurt Janet again..'

...because you're never

going to see her.

And you can stop me?

I can stop you.

Janet?

(Tom)

'Oh, according

to my calculations'

'we will out think them, out

defend them and out play them.'

The only edge that they might

have is this Marcie's fiance

the Stamford wingback.

Fiance?

Well, Greg remembered some

obscure rule that we had

where anybody engaged to a

Maxwell or Bradford is eligible

for tush ball competition,

but it isn't fair, but it is.

Well, that's great,

I guess that puts

Merle "The Pearl" on our roster.

Who?

Merle "The Pearl" Stockwell,

he's gonna propose to Susan.

Oh, they hardly know each other.

Well, I suppose

you could suggest

that they live together.

Tommy?

Are you sure about this?

It's a very reliable source.

I can't believe it.

I mean,

why wouldn't Susan tell me?

Well, frankly, dad,

I have a very good reason

for not telling you

Merle proposed to me

because he hasn't.

Oh, well,

I'm relieved to hear that.

Why did you scare me like that?

Well, I didn't say

Merle had proposed

I said he was going to.

He told you

before he told me?

Oh, no.

A-actually, he told Nicholas.

Nicholas? Oh, great.

Now, all of Sacramento will hear

my marriage proposal

before I even do.

Well, when you do hear it

I want you to consider

the ramification very carefully

before you give an answer.

Dad, I already have my answer.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Definite no.

- Oh..

- Why no?

Because Merle Stockwell

has lot of nerve taking someone

so much for granted, he proposes

to her little brother

before he proposes to her.

I'm not some

grand stand groupie, you know.

Good for you, Susan.

I've got my own ideas

about my future

and no egotistical chauvinist

is going to decide it

without even consulting me.

There goes Stockwell

to the showers, folks.

Yeah, and I hope

his head shrinks.

The Thai place?

Sure.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- Mary.

- Yeah.

David's just pulling

into the driveway.

Is Janet with him?

- No.

- That's funny.

Well, think about it,

Mare, I mean

after five months of separation

would you wanna share Janet

with your sisters?

Even if they were responsible

for getting them back together.

You know, Nancy, you're right.

Yeah.

And knowing David,

he probably just came by

to thank you for arranging

the romantic reunion.

Oh, they belong together.

I don't need any thanks.

[door opens]

Thanks a lot, Mary.

Especially this kind of thanks.

I guess,

it didn't go too well. Huh?

I'd have more fun

bleeding to death.

From now on, family,

stay out of my life.

Rather ruin it myself.

Yeah, Merle.

Uh, I can't hear you

when the doors are slamming.

[door slams]

Uh, I think,

that should be the last slammer.

What can I do for you?

Sure.

'Susan, Merle!'

Tell him I left for Pakistan

and then hang up.

- Hang up?

- Every time he calls.

How can you say that?

He's gotta be the biggest

baseball star in Sacramento.

Wrong, he's the biggest

conclusion jumper in Sacramento.

But he's got the best arm.

And the biggest blabber mouth.

No consideration

for a woman's feelings.

I can't believe it, she made me

hang up on him six times.

Really? We ought to call him

Merle "The Persistent Pearl."

Hey, hold it, Joannie,

I think I'd rather get

six calls from one guy,

than one call from six guys.

All I wish is that I can get

Susan to let Merle come over.

Hold it, Nicholas.

Hold what?

That kinda talk

is very dangerous.

All I said is that

I want Susan to be nice

to my friend Merle.

Yeah, well, forget it.

Mary tried to play

cupid for David

and now he won't even stay

in the same room with her.

Yeah, Nicholas,

not even for meals.

(Joannie)

'Yeah.'

You know they're right,

Nicholas.

It's not

a very good idea to mess

with other people's love lives.

You know, you might get caught

in the crossfire

and then both Susan and Merle

can end up hating you.

Merle wouldn't do that.

Oh, don't bet on it, Nicholas.

Listen, you play it safe.

You stay as far away from this

lovers quarrel as you can get.

Okay, if you say so.

You're the experts on mush.

[giggling]

Oh, David!

I was hoping we'd get

a few minutes alone.

Oh, yeah, me too, I was, uh,

just going to come see you.

I know, that old tush ball fever

is really catching.

But remember now,

excitement is no substitute

for good preparation.

And I thought that

you and I can get together

and have a little

advance skull practice

before we get out to the park.

Now, I've worked out a few

variations on our all famous

"Statue of liberty,

quick kick, option reverse."

Dad, it's no use.

Oh, it's no use with me

as the quarterback

but with you home now,

we're gonna be a sure touchdown.

Dad, listen to me,

I won't be your quarterback.

Oh, of course you will.

I don't mind playing end.

I won't be here Sunday.

I don't understand.

I'm leaving, dad.

Leaving? You just arrived.

Yeah.

Well, was it something we did?

No! It was just a stupid idea

for me to come back.

Stupid, as far as I'm concerned

it was the best thing

that happened all summer.

'Where do you plan to go?'

I'll figure someplace.

I see. More drifting.

That's right, more drifting.

David..

I didn't wanna say this

until you had been home

for a few days.

But I think

you better hear it now.

You know..

...your family wants you home.

We want you to be happy.

It's time you took hold and

started to build for yourself.

- Dad--

- No, no, no, listen.

Let me finish, it won't

be easy, but we can find a way.

I've already talked to Abby.

Well, I-I thought that maybe

I could co-sign a loan for you

so that you could go back

into the contracting business

that you started

right before you left.

I-I-I would be your partner,

your silent partner, of course.

It's no use, dad,

it wouldn't work.

Well, it would if you tried.

Don't you know me by now?

Even if I try,

it doesn't work.

I'm always there too late,

with too little.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's self pity.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's self righteous advice.

I'm just trying to help you.

I didn't ask for your help.

Well, you better

get somebody's help.

Can't you just leave me alone?

'Sure.'

'Leave you alone,

so that you can cop out'

'on a man's responsibilities?'

That's the way

you wanna see it, why not?

If that's the way you see it,

you've made your point.

You're right, David.

You don't belong in this house.

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, slugger.

Hey, Merle.

Uh, would you take

this to Susan for me?

Uh, nope.

I don't want you to hate me.

What, hate you?

W-why should I hate you

if you help me

get a message to Susan?

Well, my sisters say

I'll get in trouble.

Woo-ho-ho-ho.

Wait a minute, slugger.

Now, didn't I come through when

you needed help with your girl?

You mean Lil? Yeah.

Well, fair is fair.

Help me with Susan.

Well, when she makes up her mind

it's like talking to a rock.

She'll come around.

You think I'd have the best

strikeout record in the league

if I gave up easy?

It's one thing

you have to learn, Nicholas.

When the goin' gets tough,

the tough get goin'.

'It can be ninth inning,

scores tied, no outs.'

Count is three to zip against

you and you don't give up.

Not on our team, right?

Right. Not on our team.

That's my slugger.

Now, let's get out there

and win one for The Pearl.

[intense music]

(Tom)

'Any luck?'

All I got was a promise

that we'd hear from him.

I know that promise.

A man can spend weeks

waiting for it to be kept.

Why, Abby? Why is he doing it?

He's years old.

In my day, when a man was

he had two small children

and a big mortgage.

You didn't say that, did ya?

I said worse.

What's goin' on?

- Are you leaving again?

- That's right, Nicholas.

But-but why so soon?

I bet I know. Janet.

Mary says you got

trouble with her.

Thanks, Mary.

No, the truth is, Nicholas

I'm leaving to escape

the Bradford instant grapevine.

But Nancy says

you still like Janet.

Face it, Nicholas, you know

more about this than I do.

David, I don't get it.

If you still like Janet,

then why are you leaving?

Because I got b*at out,

Nicholas..

...by someone else.

Janet and I are over.

It could be the ninth inning,

no outs, the scores tied.

The count is three-zip against

you and you don't give up.

Who says?

My friend, Merle The Pearl.

Life isn't baseball, Nicholas.

Sometimes, when the game

is over, the game is over.

Not on our team.

Merle says "When the going gets

tough, the tough get going."

[laughs]

It's not funny.

Not you, Nicholas.

Your new buddy, the bull-pen

philosopher, Mr. Stockwell.

Well at least Merle doesn't

always run away like you do.

No, you don't understand.

I understand. You have

a little problem, David.

And you run away every time.

You're a quitter!

- Do you really think that?

- Everybody does.

A couple of weeks ago,

I would've missed you.

But now I'll get a new big

brother who makes me proud!

You could apologize.

It wouldn't work.

I went too far, I said too much.

You could tell him that.

It's too late, Abby.

I'm afraid we lost him again.

Sorry, I-I should've knocked.

David, uh,

w-what can we do for you?

Well, if you haven't rented out

that k*ller couch

in the last half hour,

uh, could I have it back?

[Abby chuckles]

- You're staying?

- If you'll have me.

If we'll have you?

Oh, David,

of course we'll have you.

That's wonderful. Here, let me

help you stow your things.

Relax, dad. I can handle it.

[instrumental music]

David..

...I apologize.

I want you to forget

those terrible things I said.

The truth is, I..

...was afraid of losing you.

You're not gonna lose me, dad.

[music continues]

[Abby clears throat]

Well, um,

are we just gonna stand here

or are we gonna help David

unpack his things?

Welcome home.

You're even hanging up

on Merle's letters?

Don't bring me any more,

Nicholas.

I sure wish you'd be

nice to Merle.

Please, I never wanna

hear that name again.

- Any hot water left?

- Nope.

Tepid?

Past tepid.

Go directly to freezing.

- D-David!

- David.

- You're not here.

- I'm not?

Well, no. Joannie told me

you were leaving.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Why?

As Nicholas says,

"When the going gets tough--"

"The tough get going."

Going where?

Hasn't Joannie told you?

I'm taking dad up

on his business offer

and I'm going to get Janet back.

But, David,

Janet's practically engaged.

So, I'll change her mind.

- But how?

- However it takes.

Susan, hurry up in there!

I got to get gorgeous.

I'm goin' courtin'.

[guitar music]

Tommy, tell me about courtin'.

Oh, I'm all for it.

Any fox that that wants

to court Tommy Bradford

will be cordially considered.

Great, but what is it?

Well, it's a little

complicated, Nicholas.

'I don't have time to explain.'

But I'm kinda in a hurry.

Sorry.

Well, can you learn

by watching somebody?

I suppose that depends

on who you watch.

- David?

- 'Sure, why not?'

David taught me % of my moves.

That's right, Mrs. Imurah.

Charge them to me.

Two dozen red roses.

The longest stems

you got in the shop.

Yeah, uh, send them to

Janet McArthur,

---, Devannah place

Apartment C.

And I'd like the card

to read, "Love, David".

Right. I'll be by

to settle up. Thank you.

[instrumental music]

Hello? Mrs. Imurah?

Yeah. This is Nicholas Bradford.

My brother David

just ordered some red roses?

Yes, and I was wondering

if you could send

the same thing here to the house

to Susan Bradford.

And have the card read,

"Love, Merle".

Yes. Thank you. Bye-bye.

[music continues]

Alright, remember now,

this practice is very important.

We have a chance to win

two complete dinners!

Tom, you didn't double the bet?

Are you kidding? Now that David

is back I should've tripled it.

Dad, can I hike the ball now?

I've been bent over so long,

I'm kinda getting dizzy!

Nancy, a good center

never hikes the ball

until every player

understands his assignment.

Now, are there any questions?

Yeah. I-I wonder what's

in that delivery truck.

Delivery truck?

- Hey!

- Bet it's for Susan.

Wait! C-c-come back!

You're all off-sides!

Anybody know a Susan Bradford?

- Oh!

- That's me!

I bet it's from

Merle The Pearl again.

Boy, I don't believe that guy.

Roses, poetry books

and now this.

'Come on. What is it,

what is it? Show us.'

- 'Oh!'

- Candy.

Hey that's strange. That's

the same kind I sent Janet.

Well, you know,

those things happen.

- Come on, come on, give us!

- Okay. Anybody want some?

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Wait a minute.

Here, you want some?

- I want one of these

- Come on, you guys!

Susan, this team is in training!

(Susan)

'Oh, dad!'

- Ow!

- How's the Charlie horse?

That's better than

a sprained ankle.

Oh, don't you think

it's time somebody told dad

I'm getting a little too

old for touch football?

Are you kidding?

The day that he's forced

to admit that he's too old

for touch football,

it would never happen.

[telephone rings]

Uh, I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, Merle! Um, hi, uh-uh, could

you hold on a second please?

Um, do you mind? It's personal.

Yeah. You-you actually

gonna talk to him?

Well, Joannie, he has been

very nice to me lately.

I should at least thank him.

Now, uh, would you limp away?

Oh, I'm limping.

I'm limping. See?

[laughs]

(Susan)

'Hi, Merle.'

'I just want you to know that

I'm not mad at you any more.'

That was really sweet

of you to send those

pretty flowers and candy.

'What do you mean,

"What flowers and what candy?"'

'Oh, terrific!

You don't even remember?'

Oh, well I should have known.

You probably send so many gifts

to so many of your groupies

you can't even keep track.

'Well, let me tell you

something, Merle Stockwell.'

'I will not be

treated that way.'

[Susan hangs up]

What'cha doing here champ?

Uh, wondering what

the expert would do about this.

- The expert?

- Yeah. You know, David.

(Janet)

'I wish you hadn't

done this, David.'

I'm not going to give up, Janet.

I'm gonna keep at it until you

realize that I really love you.

(Reed)

'Bradford?'

Now as I understand it, these

are the roses you sent Janet.

Mm-hmm.

Now just a minute, Ellis!

This is the candy.

That does it.

And this is the last time

I'm going to reason with you.

In other words, Bradford

you lose.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

Please, ma'am,

I-I just got to see Susan.

I can't tolerate it any more.

Susan? Our Susan?

Uh, well a-actually, Merle

I'm not really sure

that she's home. Uh..

- 'Susan?'

- I'm not home.

Throw him out, Abby!

No, Abby! Don't throw him out!

I hate remind you guys,

but I'm not the family bouncer.

Well, excuse me, ma'am.

Susan Bradford, you come

down here and talk to me.

Now, I know I'm really

loony over you

but not so loony

I've lost my memory.

If I'd thought of it,

I'd have sent you presents

but I didn't think of it.

Well, then tell me

Mr. Stockwell..

...just how do you

explain these?

Same dude is tryin'

to b*at my time?

Oh-ho, just tell me who he is

so I can personally

see him clobbered.

Read the cards, Merle.

You sent them.

I did not!

Yes, Merle, you did.

I-I did?

Well, sort of.

Nicholas,

maybe you better explain

what you know about this.

Well, it's like Merle says.

He would have sent them

if he thought of it.

But he didn't, so I did.

You sent these things?

But the card said "Merle".

So will the bills.

Well, I was wrong then.

No, I was wrong.

Maybe you both should go in

the study and talk this over?

- Thank you, ma'am.

- Yeah, sure.

- Not you.

- But they need me!

No, they need to be alone.

They need their privacy.

Darn, that's all

the thanks I get.

Nicholas, you should feel

wonderful. Don't you get it?

'Merle and Susan

wanna stop fighting.'

- Really?

- Really.

At least now I can tell David

that courting really works!

You know you love me, Janet

and I'm gonna keep coming

back until you admit it.

Please, Bradford. Be civilized.

There's no way you can

get rid of me, Janet.

Did I ever tell you I was

Packard wrestling champ?

You did. The last time.

Well, this time, Bradford,

I suggest you don't forget it.

[sighs]

So, you don't have a girlfriend

at every ballpark?

I swear, Susan!

I just let 'em yell up there

in the grand stand.

I haven't been out with any girl

except you

since I left Arkansas.

In fact, you're the only

female I ever met

who comes into my mind

more than baseball.

Oh, and that's supposed to make

me swoon at your feet, huh?

Well, how should I know? I..

I pitched a lot of baseballs

but this is the very first time

I ever tried to pitch woo.

Comes to romance, I'm a rookie!

Oh, well, at least there's

one thing we agree on.

So, I made some mistakes.

But only because

I want you so much.

Well, Merle,

you could have told me that

instead of blabbing to Nicholas!

I tried, believe me, I tried.

But he's the only one

who'd listen.

I'm listening now, Merle.

- C-can I count on it?

- Mm-hmm.

Then let's start back

at the first day.

[exhales]

I know it's sudden, but..

...I-I never felt

this way about anyone.

I haven't either.

[instrumental music]

Well, I think he's finally gone.

(David)

'Not quite!'

(Janet)

'David!'

I'm just making a point.

My stupidity

separated us for the summer.

But nothing else and nobody else

will ever do it again.

Bradford..

...I've known some slow

learners in my time

but you take the prize!

Doesn't he?

I want you

to think about that, Janet.

While he's throwing me out.

[door slams]

[chuckles]

Nicholas, where is everybody?

All I know is that I'm here.

Yes, I can see that.

Be in the dining room

in five minutes.

I wanna have family skull

practice for Sunday's tush ball.

I'm kinda busy.

Nicholas, this stairway

is perfectly capable

of holding itself down

without your help.

I'll see you in five minutes.

Is somebody in there?

Susan and Merle.

- Locked in my study?

- 'Yeah.'

And I think they're too busy

for skull practice too.

[giggles]

Please, Janet, control yourself.

If I laugh right now,

it could be fatal.

I'm sorry, Reed. It's David.

He looked so funny

when you screamed.

I always scream

when my back goes out.

Is there anything we can do?

Now you ask!

You could have stayed out

the first time I threw you out.

- I gotta sit down.

- Can I help?

I can manage. Thank you.

Well, should I call a doctor?

Maybe you should call

your lawyer.

I can probably sue you for this.

Actually, it was your idea

to throw David out.

Well, but I was doing it..

[groans]

...for you.

I know that,

and it was very sweet, but..

But?

Well, it's just that..

Well, frankly, this evening

has been very eye-opening.

[scoffs]

No, back breaking!

No, what I mean is..

...I've never seen David

act like this before.

That's the whole point,

I'll do anything

it takes to get us

back together.

Please, David, don't interrupt.

Why don't you just

tell him to go home?

[sighs]

- I can't.

- What?

I mean, I can.

But I don't think I want him to.

Jan..

Janet, I can't believe that.

Don't you remember

what this guy did to you?

Yes.

I'm remembering more

all the time.

Reed..

...David and I..

...we giggled.

I heard you.

Even when my back was popping.

No, I mean,

when we were together.

We giggled a lot.

[giggling]

So?

You and I never did.

That's hardly the basis

for a lasting relationship.

Isn't it?

Is it?

What?

Okay, come on, dad!

- Come on!

- Play ball!

Alright! We'll get 'em!

- Ready, Maxwell's?

- We've been ready.

Alright, Tom,

this time don't miss the ball!

You'd have miss too if your

star player didn't show!

If David said he'll be here,

he'll be here.

Do you want me to kick-off?

Oh, no! Never!

I'm still trying to adjust

to women bank presidents!

Alright, here goes!

Oh!

[screams]

[indistinct shouting]

Touchdown! Yay!

Time out! Huddle!

[grunts]

Where'd they get that ringer?

- He's Marcy's fiance.

- Are fiances eligible?

I'm afraid so, Nancy.

They'll b*at us by points.

No, they won't.

Merle! Come here.

Hey, Susan,

what do you want Merle for?

To tell him

I accept his proposal!

- You do? Hee-haw!

- Whoo!

Susan, people don't

accept proposals

in the middle of

a football game.

Dad, I was gonna tell him

tonight when we were alone

but why wait?

Now is when we need him.

(Max)

Time's up, Bradford's!

Unless you're planning

to announce you concede?

No way, Doctor Max! We're

announcing our engagement.

Huh?

Another sneaky Bradford trick!

Susan, think about this.

What's wrong, dad?

Don't you want to win?

This is no criticism to

Mr. Stockwell, it's just that..

...you hardly know each other.

Oh, but, dad, I know

we only met four weeks ago

but we spent every minute of

the last three days together.

And the way we feel,

Mr. Bradford

it's like we knew each other

before we ever met.

Love's like that, dad.

Now stop fussing or we'll

have to forfeit the game.

Winning games is one thing,

but...marriage is another.

Hey, Bradford's! Are we

playing football or aren't we?

[indistinct chattering]

Look at it this way, Tom.

You're not losing a daughter.

You're gaining an equalizer.

Yeah, dad. Fair is fair.

I mean, if they can have

a fiance, we can too.

Well..

Tell him about your

scholarships, Merle.

- Scholarships?

- Uh, yes, sir.

One was in baseball,

but two were in football.

You have three scholarships?

Well..

You all know how I

approve of scholarships.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yes.

Welcome to the team!

- Yay!

- Yay!

Can you play quarterback?

Dad, he won't have to.

Here comes David!

And look who he brought

for the rooting section.

Hey, alright! You get

the feeling we're gonna win?

I get the feeling

David already has.

Time out for kissing!

Time in for football?

Let's get our team!

[cheering]

- Let's get 'em, Bradford's!

- Yeah!

- All of us!

- Yeah!

Maxwell's, rah!

Maxwell's, rah!

Rah, rah, Maxwell's! Yay!

Bradford's, rah!

Bradford's, rah!

Rah, rah, Bradford's! Yay!

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, hey, Mary. Um..

I thought Dave and Janet do

better when we stay out of it.

Yeah. You're right.

We don't want them mad at us.

- Right.

- 'Hey, Mary, Joannie!'

Would you like to

join us for lunch?

(David)

'Yeah, and bring Nancy

and Elizabeth.'

Hey, but you left out Susan!

I don't think

she's interested in tacos.

Uh, no.

I tell 'ya,

according to my calculations

our team has points and

your team only has points.

I figure

it's our to your .

I tell you what?

Why don't we do this?

Why don't we deduct all

the points that your prospective

son-in-law made and

all the points that mine made

and then just see what happens

official Bradford's

against official Maxwell's.

Okay, uh..

You got zero...and we got zero.

That's what I figured.

- Great game.

- Great game, Tom.

We'll talk about this

to our grandchildren.

- Grandchildren?

- Let's face it, Tom.

Our kids are getting

engaged and married.

It's only a matter of time

before we start to discuss

the eligibility of pregnant

women and third generations.

Think we can carry on

the old tradition?

More important, you think

you can carry me to the car?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]