06x03 - Worst Aid

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, counselors!
And Parker.

That's right, because I'm in my own
special category.

You know, sometimes
it's lonely here.

A couple
quick announcements.

First, whoever's camper
keeps putting giant googly eyes

stickers on the cows' butts,

A, it's hilarious.
Props to them.

But B, we need to get them
to knock it off

because it is really
confusing the bulls.

It's also making the petting zoo
super awkward.

Next, all of the new
counselors and Parker

need to become
certified in first aid,

because, apparently,
the city of Dusty Tush requires it.

Sounds like fun!

Wait. Why do I have to be
certified in first aid?

I'm activities director.

Well, since one of your
upcoming activities

is something called
"bow and arrow tag,"

I think you just answered
your own question.

Oh!

We were gonna
wear goggles!

Study these manuals
and pay attention in class,

because if you don't pass
your first aid certification test,

you're going to the viper pit.

[ALL GASP]

Kidding. But you can't
work here.

Also, the viper pit
isn't dug yet.

Anyway,
you're all excused.

Oh, Noah, can I talk to you
for a second?

Since you're the only one
certified in first aid,

I'd love for you to help me
teach the class to the new

counselors. Oh! And...

I know, I know!
Not everything's a chance to

show off my acting skills.

I will simply read
the educational material

in my most boring
Lou-like voice.

Which I now realize
is insulting.

Sorry, boss.

Actually, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

I chose you for
your acting ability.

Whoa! Really?

Can I use that as a quote
for my website?

The only one on there right
now is from my neighbor,

Darren, that says,

"They don't pay you for this,
do they?"

I learned in college that people retain
information better

when they're entertained.

And, you're the closest thing
to an entertainer

I have at this camp.

That's also going
on my website!

Noah, I'm gonna be
really honest with you.

Your website,
it's making me sad.

I need you to bring
a little flavor and pizzazz

to the first aid class.

- What do you say?
- I say it's all coming true!

And my mom said my vision board
was a waste of time.

Off to choose
some tights!

This may have
been a mistake.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Ta-da! Check it out.

Whoa! Cool horse house!

Yup! Totally what
they call these.

You nailed it.

Now, you guys can't tell anyone
about this place, okay?

Not even your
imaginary friends.

I do not have
an imaginary friend.

Pedro and I
had a falling-out.

So, Winnie. Let me get
this straight.

I can't tell anyone
about a barn?

On a ranch?

You city folk have a low bar
for what you keep secret.

The barn isn't the secret.

The secret is what
we're gonna do with it.

I got it!

We turn it into...
Hear me out...

A barn!

I'm sorry. Horse house.

Or, even better,
we turn this place

into our very own arcade!

The ball pit
can go right here,

a VR station here,

and wall-to-wall
video games!

We'll never sleep again!
[LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY]

Sorry, I heard it.
I'm still working on it.

Actually, we're turning it
into a Western-themed obstacle course.

My favorite show,
Ultimate Western Warrior,

is having people submit
videos of themselves

doing stunts.

And if they're good enough,

you get to be
on the show!

But I'll need your help
pulling it off.

Well, you've come
to the right guy,

I've pretty darn handy
with tools and woodwork.

But I get a nap
at : p.m. everyday.

Cowboy union rules.

Oh, and Pedro and I
can film it for you!

We made up.

I can't wait

to prove to Lou that
I'm the best counselor she ever hired.

In first aid,
I will be second to none.

Good one, Des.

I'm just hoping
to pass this thing

and barely scrape by,
as usual. [CHUCKLES]

Good one, Par.

[GROANING]
Oh! Woe is me!

I was just down
by the lake,

when a bunch of surly badgers
att*cked me. I need

first aid.

[CRIES OUT IN PAIN]

I really hope this is
part of the class.

Oh, no! There's been a terrible, horrible,
unforeseen accident

at camp!

You're pushing,
just let it flow.

Okay. Everyone, there's been
an apparent badger att*ck

that was not in the script
I was handed earlier.

Well, writing is rewriting!

Anyway, class, what's
the first thing we should do?

Call my wife!

Tell her I love her!

Incorrect answer,
badger victim.

I know! I know!

The first thing to do
is ask the person questions

to determine the extent
of their injuries.

Nailed it!
Next question, please.

Excellent answer...

Is what I would say
if you were correct!

Come again?

Actually, you should do

a scan of the area to ensure
your own safety

before approaching
the injured party.

After all, you can't help anybody
if you're injured, too.

Correct! Nice work, Parker.

Wait.

I was wrong,
and Parker was right?

Hey! What a fun
little twist.

Hey, I found these lights
for us to use.

They're gonna give your videos
some sweet production value.

They'll also make it super obvious
if you mess up,

so, you know,
don't do that.

Noted.

Where'd you get all those
lights from, anyway?

I took these from
one of the outhouses.

It's for the best.

It's harder to do my business
when I can see all those

toilet scorpions.

You do know that
just because you can't see them...

Thanks for the lights, buddy.

So, how's it going in here?

Great. Let me take you on
a little tour of the course.

Remember, we look
with our eyes.

Not with our hands.

I'm gonna jump
from wheel to wheel,

then leapfrog
over the sawhorse.

Maybe add a half twist
for some style points.

I must say,
that sawhorse

looks extremely
well-built.

So, kudos to
whoever made it.

Didn't you make it?

I stand by what I said.

Then, I'm gonna swing
on that rope over the stalls.

And check this out.

This is gonna be
my big finale.

A giant slingshot.

Then I'm gonna rocket
across the barn
into that giant pile of hay

and win the hearts
of Ultimate Western Warrior
fans everywhere.

Bill, prepare for countdown.

Yes, ma'am!

Three, two, one...

Fire!

[THUD]

Whoa! Are you okay?

WINNIE: Don't worry.
This is why we have dress rehearsals.

BILL: Hey, Jake!

Why do you look
so nervous?

I keep telling you,

your shadow's not
evil Jake!

I'm really worried
about Winnie doing
this obstacle course.

She could seriously
hurt herself.

Should we tattle?

No way! You never tattle.

Out on the range,
if a cowboy tattles
on another cowboy,

then no one will share
the beans with them
around the fire.

And pretty soon, they
won't even be invited

to sit around the fire
at all.

So they'll be sent away
cold and bean less?

Yup. Out in the dark,
where they can be
eaten by a bobcat.

And all they'll find
is a couple of spurs
in a pile of bobcat scat.

You don't wanna end up
a pile of bobcat scat,
do you?

No! That sounds
horrible!

And I'm sure I'll feel
the same way,

once I figure out what it is.

You're just going to
have to be cool
about this.

You can be cool, right?

Totally! So cool!

Cool as bobcat scat.

I didn't use that right,
did I?

Okay, class.
Your next assignment will be

learning how to treat
a sprained ankle.

You're gonna see
this one a lot.

Our kickballs
are just big rocks Lou painted red.

Hey! Starting a new camp
is expensive.

It was either kickballs
or toilet paper.

Your feet may be sore now,
but your hands will thank me.

Wow.

Looks like a real angry read.

After I bombed
in class yesterday,

I really need a win!

If I fail first aid,
I'll get fired!

And I just know my mom
is going to put that in her

Christmas newsletter.

Look, I've learned in life
that it never pays to worry

too much about things.

[EXHALES] It helps that
I'm wearing lavender chamomile

deodorant today.

I'm feeling real
loosey-goosey.

Okay, let's get this show
on the road.

Noah and I are
gonna be

playing the parts
of injured campers.

[CLEARS THROAT] Places.

And, action!

[MIMICS BABY CRYING]
I'm a whiny baby camper who's never happy,

no matter how hard
my camp owner works

and I call
and tell on them

every time roadkill is served for lunch.
[WAILING]

And...

You sprained your ankle.
As did I.

Sorry. I guess
I'm working through some things.

Parker, Destiny,
you're up first.

Okay, buddy. I know it hurts.
But don't you worry.

Your days of pain
are going down the drain.

Oh! A clever rhyme
to take my mind off the predicament.

[CHUCKLES] Hello,
bedside manner.

All right, Destiny,
let's see what you've got.

Come on, Baker.
Get your game face on!

Time to snap out
of this funk

and treat that ankle!

Am I gonna have to
give you first aid...

Hush! I'm in the zone!

Jeez, Destiny!
You are wrapping an ankle,

not bulldogging a steer!

Look what I have!

[SQUEALING] A lolly!

Yippee!

Hey! That's not
in the manual!

You can never go wrong
improving with a little pocket candy.

Finished! And in
record time.

Ta-da!

All done.

Great! Let's test
this puppy out.

Whoo! This is nice.

Firm, yet flexible.

Really makes
my calves pop.

Great for an injured man
on the go!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Okay. But check mine
out, though.

Lou, give her a spin.
Show everybody how great I did.

You wrapped my leg
to the stool.

Would you believe
it's for extra support?

Pocket candy?

Uh-oh.

Jake, I never thought
I'd say this,

but you might have
had a point.

Okay. All this barbed wire
should really add to the "wow" factor.

I wanted to tape scissors
to the walls,

but I think Destiny
hid them from me again.

Winnie, what in
the wide Wyoming skies

is happening in here?

Seriously. If this were
a video game,

I'd need an irresponsible aunt
to buy it for me.

Why did you
change the course?

I had to.

I saw another contestant's
audition video,

and it was way more insane
than mine!

If I wanna get on the show,
I gotta up my game.

Speaking of, do you guys
know where the nearest shark store is?

No! And I'm
beginning to think

I couldn't trust you
to use a shark responsibly.

Anyway, check it out. First,

I'll climb up
into that hayloft,

swing across
those wagon wheels,

and get slingshotted
through the barbed wire hoop.

Jake, when you're
filming me,

zoom out so you can get me
and the hoop of death in the same sh*t.

No!

Fine! Film it your way.

Just make sure
you give me some choices
in the editing room.

This is crazy.
I'm not filming it.

I'm taking my phone
and going home.

Well, not home home.
That's where chores live.

But you get what I mean!

Jake! Come on!

This is my chance to finally
do something legendary.

I'm sorry. I can't
be a part of this.

Fine. Bill,
you can film me.

No can do.
This is dangerous!

And you could
really get hurt.

I'm not going to
help you do that.

Huh! I guess if neither
of us will film you,

you'll have to call off
the stunt.

And this will officially
be the first time

I've ever been a part
of outsmarting somebody.

Oh, gee.
Whatever will I do?

[BEEPS]

Replaced by a sawhorse
and a rock. Again!

Come on, Jake. Let's get
out of here.

All right. You don't
have to help me.

But remember, if you
say anything to anyone,

then what kind of friends
are you?

Bill. Does she expect
an answer, or do we just leave?

Got it.

Oh! This is
exciting!

Our final test to get first aid certified.
Pre-game lolly?

No! I'm way too stressed.

If I have any chance of staying
a counselor,

I've got to nail this!

Um... But I might want
a lolly later.

Attention everyone!
We have a first aid
emergency!

Which Noah has promised to make
more believable.

The camp
has been att*cked!

The badgers have returned,
and they're out for blood!

- You promised.
- Yeah, I lied. [CHUCKLES]

There was a deal
on stuffed badgers,

and you know how I
feel about the props really

selling the performance!

Make-believe human-badger w*r
it is, then.

All right, everybody.
Follow us into the mess hall,

where you will treat
the injured, and if
you do well...

Ice cream.

Oh! I love first aid!
Yes!

Gerald, treat that bruise.
Mary, wash out that wound.

Destiny, take care
of that bee sting.

Uh, bee sting?
I thought this was a badger att*ck.

The badgers threw
a beehive at us like a grenade!

They've learned how to use weapons!
We're doomed!

He's on his
own journey now.

Everyone to
your patients.

Parker! Give
that dummy CPR.

On it!

She gave Parker CPR,
and all I got

was this dumb
bee sting?

Lou clearly doesn't
believe in me.

Which means I'm not
gonna pass this class.

Which means
I'm gonna get fired,

which means
I'll just slink back home,

live in my cousin's van,
strap on my clown shoes

and settle in for a life
of entertaining

the booger-eaters
of Tallahassee!

I can say it!
I'm from Tallahassee!

First, I open up
the airways,

then I tilt the head back
lifting the chin...

[MONITOR BEEPS][GASPS]

He has no pulse.

The badgers have claimed
their first victim.

Time to start
chest compressions.

I got it! I got it!
I got it!

Destiny,
what are you doing?

I'm bringing him back
from the light!

See, Lou? I can do this.

Now live, you dummy!
Live!

Well...

This is going to be
a very awkward phone call to his parents.

Fine. I give up.
I'm clearly not cut out to be a counselor.

[NOAH SCREAMING]

The badgers have broken
through all our defenses.

They're everywhere!

I feel like
I missed something.

We've got to stop Winnie
from doing this insane stunt.

But how?

I don't know!

Most of my problems
are saddle-rash related.

We've got to find Lou
and tell her.

We're just gonna have to
accept our fates as big old

piles of bobcat scat.

By the way,
I looked that up and, gross!

But we can't tell Lou!

We gave Winnie our word
as friends and promised

we wouldn't say anything.

Wait a minute!
We promised we wouldn't say anything.

Right, that's what
I said.

Right, it's what
you said.

- What's what I said?
- Now you've got it!

Now I've got what?

Bingo! Let's go!

Go where?
I'm so confused!

Destiny? Are you in here?

I just wanted to
make sure you're okay...

Lou! We have something
really important

to tell you,
but we can't tell you.

I do not know where to go
from here.

Oh! I know
what we're doing!

We're playing charades now?
Sure! Why not?

You're a baby deer
trying to get across an ice rink.

Uh, a bird caught
in a tornado!

The campers are eating
those off-limits berries again!

[GASPS] I've got it!

Winnie is doing
an incredibly dangerous stunt

to audition for
Ultimate Western Warrior,

and I need to stop her
before she gets hurt.

BOTH: Yes!

Whoa! We are super rad
at charades.

Actually, you have it
written on your arm.

Oh. Yeah. I was
always gonna tattle, eventually.

I just wanted to make sure I got
all the details right.

Where's Winnie right now?

Follow us.

No, buddy.

It's for real
this time.

Oh, yeah. Right.

They all said I didn't have
what it takes

to become the next
Ultimate Western Warrior.

Well. Challenge accepted!

[GRUNTS]

[WINNIE EXHALES]

[GROANS]

Challenge regretted!

Help!

Who's screaming?
Can't a girl mope
in peace?

Uh-oh!

Winnie! You need
to get down.

You think?

[GASPS]

No!

Winnie!

Are you okay?

[GROANS] Yeah. Lou broke my fall.
Thanks, Lou.

No problem.

I mean, you'll be on toilet scorpion duty
for two weeks, but...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
No problem.

Fair.

I'm so glad
you're all right, Winnie.

Me, too.

We're sorry for ratting you out
to Lou.

We understand if you don't wanna be
our friend anymore.

Are you kidding?
You guys saved me.

I'm the one who
should apologize.

Turns out, you guys
are the kind of friends

I can really count on.

No matter how much
of a butthead I'm being.

And remember, it's not
tattling if someone's
gonna get hurt. [LAUGHS]

Speaking of which,

has my left should
always been three inches
lower than the other one?

Oh, no!

Lou, your shoulder
is dislocated.

We need to get you
to the infirmary, quick!

Okay, good idea.
Right after I build an infirmary.

What?

This camp doesn't have
an infirmary?

Kind of irresponsible,
seeing how last night's dinner

was porcupine paninis.

It's on my list,
okay?

It's been a long week,
and it kinda feels like
you guys are piling on.

Don't worry,
I've got you.

I read in the
first aid manual

about treating
a dislocated shoulder.

It's called the Cunningham technique,
and funny story...

Ow!

Right! Okay, uh...

Stand up straight
and roll your shoulders back.

Now, Lou, the most
important thing to remember

is to just try
and relax...

[LOU SCREAMS]

Destiny! It worked!

[GASPS]
Wow!

- That was amazing!
- Do me next!

Pocket candy?

Yes, please.

Camille.

Jackson.

Parker.

Congratulations on
receiving your first aid certification.

You did much, much,
much better than I thought you would.

Thanks! I'm sure
there's a compliment

in there somewhere.

Well, there is
one more certificate
to hand out.

Destiny.

Really? Me?

But I popped
a dummy's head off.

Yeah, that thing's held together
with chewing gum.

We have no money.

Honestly, I've been
watching you.

And I think you
just put so much pressure on yourself

that you freaked out.

But when it mattered
most, you came through

and perfectly treated
a dislocated shoulder.

You're right, Lou.

I guess I was so worried
about trying to be perfect,

I forgot, I'm awesome!

Well, now that that's over,
we can get back to business as usual.

Yeah, I don't think
it's over for everyone.

And one by one,

I vanquished a horde of badgers
bent on vengeance,

saving the camp
once and for all!

[GASPS]

Or did I?

No! I'm humanity's last hope!

Who's left to take up
the fight? [SCREAMING]

Oh, lordy, he's writing
a sequel.