06x09 - Bunkhouse of Horror

[bunniefuu]

Okay, let's make this quick.

Why am I here?

One of the beams in the barn is collapsing,

and to prop it up, I had
to stack a few counselors

on top of each other.

They think it's a trust exercise.

Lou, we know you're busy,

but we called you here
to talk about all the things

that need fixing around camp.

Uh-huh.

And what kind of things are we talking about?

Well, the plumbing in
Coyote Cabin is all clogged up.

We'd use the outhouse,

but ever since the toilet
scorpions took over,

it's more of an "ouch house".

Nice.

Also, there's something wrong with the well.

I haven't been able to
get fresh water out of it

since we started camp.

I've been brushing my teeth with goat's milk.

It's a problem.

What about you two? Any complaints?

This feels like a very loaded question

with a lot of possible negative outcomes.

Winnie?

Don't look at me.

Half the things she needs to fix, I broke.

[SIGHS] Look, it's not easy keeping
up with repairs at an old ranch.

Everything here is either
broken or rusty or sharp.

Which reminds me,

Tetanus sh*t Tuesday is next week,

so sign-ups are out front.

We're out of pens, so just use
the rusty nail to make your mark.

[WOOD CREAKING AND THUDDING]

[GASPS] Oh, sweet heavens, that's the barn.

I knew. I shouldn't have put Ingrid

at the bottom of the human tower.

That girl is made of wet noodles.

Don't worry about the repairs, I'm on it.

Raise your hand if you think Lou isn't on it.

Well, howdy-doo.

I'm Gus Hootenheimer, the handyman Lou hired.

Well, don't we all look like jerks now?

Are you sure you're a handyman?

You look a little old prospector-y.

Oh, pickles and poppy seeds.

That's probably because I have done

a bit of gold hunting in my day,

But you gave it up and now
work full time as a handyman?

Oh, gosh, no.

Handyman work pays the bills,

but prospecting is still my passion.

Why, I even started a
weekend gold diggers club,

but the only folks that show up

are kids really into nose picking.

Oh, I thought I recognized you.

I mean... Gross.

You know, I've done a lot of
work at this ranch over the years,

and I'll be hornswoggled

if old Gus can't help you
get everything fixed right up.

Great.

Because goat's milk is a real gamey rinse.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Hey, Bill. Where's the handyman?

GUS: Eureka!

That is a hefty nugget!

I can't tell if he's fixing our drain

or using it.

GUS: Ladies and gents,
I think I found the culprit.

Whoa!

Oh, from the looks of this hair clog,

your pipes haven't been
cleaned in, well, ever.

Ugh. Who used to live in this cabin? Bigfoot?

And his even hairier roommates?

Wait a second.

I think there's something in here.

[DISGUSTED] Why are you touching it?

I recognize this bracelet.

And there's a story about it

from the early days of this ranch.

A very scary story.

Thanks, Gus, but I don't think

we really need to hear the story

of the hair clog bracelet.

The year was .

Guess we're getting it anyway.

[COYOTE HOWLS]

GUS: This is a story about
Calamity Lou Parker Earp,

and The Other Buffalo Bill

and the awful thing they
brought back with them from town.

And I'm not just talking about the lice.

The Other Buffalo Bill and I

are gonna head off to the Slop Emporium,

Parker Earp, you go to the general store

and see if you can get your
hands on that newfangled invention,

toilet paper.

Finally we can stop using squirrels.

I've been using the same one for a month.

He hates me.

Well, hello, good sir.

You look like the kind of gentleman

who enjoys the finer things in life.

Well, not to brag, but I
am buying toilet paper.

Ooh, fancy!

Oh, I've got just the thing

for a man of your refinements.

This bracelet has been endowed

with the mystical powers of faraway lands,

and whoever wears it

will have the course of
their life altered forever.

Sounds like a real party.

I wish I could buy one,

but I only have enough money for supplies.

Well, and a quick mani-pedi.

[CHUCKLES] 'Cause living
in the Wild West can be rough,

but your hands don't need to be

Well, now, maybe we could work something out.

Uh, how much do you have?

Five bits.[GASPS]

It is fate!

That's exactly how much the bracelet costs.

Wait, never mind, I only have three bits.

Um, it's still fate!

But be warned,

I'll do no more haggling.

Wow, It's a perfect fit.

Like, almost scary perfect,

Like it's sort of burning itself
into my skin. [CHUCKLES]

Wait. Where'd he go?

Hmm. This feels like a
sign of things to come.

But, man, does this thing
really sit on my forearm!

Wild West legend Parker
Earp, The Other Buffalo Bill!

Can we please get shorter cowboy names?

What is it, Calamity Lou?

Some kind of animal got into my
coop last night and ate all my chickens.

Are you sureWell, either that

or they all just ran off
and left their beaks behind.

Thanks for that. Now, I'm
going to have nightmares

about a bunch of lipless chickens,

Who would do something so horrible?

I don't know.

Maybe someone with
feathers stuck to their hand.

If only the answer were that easy.

You have feathers stuck to your hand!

Wait. What? How did that happen?

I'll tell you how that happened,
you ate all my chickens.

And you didn't even have the
decency to finish off their beaks.

That's where the calcium is, you know.

But it couldn't have been
me. I was sleeping all night.

First you spend all my money on
that dumb bracelet, and now this!

[SIGHS]

All of this stress has
made my tummy very upset.

So if you'll excuse me, I
need to go find a squirrel.

GUS: That night, The Other
Buffalo Bill and Parker Earp

were greeted by a visitor.

A visitor who was already
in the cabin with 'em.

[SNORING]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

What do you mean my horse
is double-parked, Sheriff?

I just went into the
saloon to get some takeout.

Calamity Lou! Something
happened to The Other Buffalo Bill.

Sorry, but I can't do
these long cowboy names,

they're taking forever.

Lou, something happened to Bill.

You're right. That is so much better.

He's gone and his bed is left unmade.

Oh, relax. I'm sure he's fine.

And he left his breakfast hat behind.

Great gophers and
gravy, that boy's in trouble.

Bill! Who did this to you? It was Parker.

He grabbed me in the middle
of the night and tied me up.

And wouldn't stop prattling on about
having to go to horse traffic school.

Wait, what? I would never
do anything to hurt you guys.

That was very unfortunately timed.

Bill's right, you are trying to hurt us!

No, I'm not. I mean, I am, but it's not me,

it's the hand, talk to the hand.

Oh, I like that phrase,

I'm gonna start spreading it around

It must be that weird bracelet you bought.

It's taking over your hand.

And my sense of style,

I guess I'm an accessory guy now?

Not that I mind, you look great. [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

And to think I considered
treating you to a manicure!

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

There's only one way to end this.

Really? Can't we just cut the bracelet off?

How? Scissors haven't been invented yet.

Actually, the first scissors were invented
in Mesopotamia over , years ago.

Zip it, know-it-all, and
keep your evil hand still.

It's gonna hurt me more than
it's gonna hurt you, Parker.

There is no way that that could be true!

Yeah, you're probably right.

And that, my friends, is the
tale of the cursed bracelet.

[EXHALES] Well, that
story certainly was long.

And weird. Thanks for
ruining squirrels for me.

Well, I guess it's time for this old horse

to move on to the rest of his fix-it list.

I'll just leave this here with you.

Bill, we're definitely
cutting my hand off now.

Ugh!

Well, what's itchin' your hides,

my dumb fungal jackanapes?

I'm assuming that's prospector-speak

for "What's the problem?"

Strawberries and biscuits.

Okay.

Whenever I try to use the well,

the bucket gets stuck halfway down.

I'd love to have fresh well water

to plant a delicious
organic vegetable garden.

[LAUGHING] Good one.

Oh, you're serious.

Well, let's have old Gus take a look-see.

Well, well, well.

Uh, yeah, we know.

I found the problem.

This well has been bricked over halfway down.

But what about my vegetable garden?

I was really looking
forward to summer tomatoes.

[SNICKERING]

Oh, sorry, I keep forgetting you're serious.

I remember this.

This well was sealed for a very good reason.

A very scary reason.

The year was , again.

Wait, what's happening?

Are you going to fix the well or...

Our tale begins in downtown Dusty Tush.

Strawberries and biscuits.

GUS: Destiny Holliday, and Wild Jake Hickok

we're wetting their whistle

with Calamity Lou and Parker Earp,

when a very handsome peddler showed up.

Oh, greetings, friends.

Me and my trusty burro come
bearing trinkets and treasures

from all four corners of the world.

France, China, India,

and Sheboygan.

Sheboygan? Really?

It's a nice spot to vacay.

Very low pollen count.

Now feast your eyes.

Whoa, underwear!

Those are mine, the
suitcase does double duty.

But I have something
else that may interest you.

Ooh, money.

Give me.[SCOLDS]

Cool it, I'm setting a tone.

Four magical coins made from
the ancient metals of the gods.

You toss them in a well, you make a wish,

and all your wildest dreams will come true.

We have a well back at the ranch.

Let's go try it out.

Hold on.

If you have a bunch of magical coins,

why are you selling them
and not wishing for things?

Because clearly I'm
already living my best life.

I got a burro, man!

Have a wish on the house.

Try it on for size.

I wish for a bowl of beans.

I can't believe my wish
actually came through.

I can't believe you wished for beans.

The mess hall's right there.

Yeah, but this saves me a walk.

Okay, we'll take the coins. How much?

The cost of these coins is

your immortal soul.

Oh, I'm just joshing you.

It'll only cost that sweet neckerchief.

Ugh, but this really completed the outfit.

But then again,

my wildest dreams might look good on me too.

Okay.

Well, better be going.

Time to go swindle some other poor suckers.

What was that? Oh, I said...

[EXAGGERATED] Bye-ee!

Just think of all the amazing
things we can wish for.

World peace, the answers to the universe.

What if we wished for some salt?

Or maybe a little diced onion?

Again, the mess hall
is a literal feet away.

You know, I have always
wanted a bigger role at the ranch.

Oh, Parker, you don't have to wish for that,

you just have to not be
terrible at every task I give ya.

Nah, this seems easier.

I wish for more responsibility
around the ranch.

What... What happened?

Lou disappeared. All that's left is her coin.

Ugh, and even worse,

I just realized these are lima beans.

How is that worse?

Clearly, you've never eaten lima beans.

Wait, I know what's happening here.

It's Wishing .

If you're not very specific about your wish,

then terrible things can happen.

What are you talking about?

You wished for more
responsibility, so Lou disappeared,

making you head of the ranch.

But I didn't want Lou to disappear.

She owes me five bucks.

Parker, have a heart. Lou's gone.

Ooh, dibs on her magic coin.

Look, there's only one way to fix this.

One of you has to use
your wish to bring Lou back.

Definitely. For sure.

Go ahead, Jake. Make the wish.

No, you go ahead. Ladies first.

No, I insist, lady's choice.

No, I insist, gentleman's hat

Okay, I don't know what we're doing.

I can't believe you two.

If neither of you make the wish,

then Lou is gone forever.

Why did I ever want more responsibility?

I hate this!

Be careful what you wish for.

Oh, I just got that.

Okay, before we make our wishes,

we need to write them
out as detailed as possible,

so they won't backfire.

You're right.

We should be very specific
about what kind of beans we want.

Sure, Jake.

There, I perfectly worded
my wish for world peace.

There's no way the well is
going to misunderstand this.

Does world peace include different beans?

Jake, enough with the beans!

Okay, here goes nothing.

Dear, Wishing Well, I
wish that...[FLY BUZZING]

Ugh! Gross, bugs are everywhere.

[BOTH GASP]

Did you just waste for
gross bugs to be everywhere?

No. The well couldn't possibly
think that's what I meant.

Delete, delete.

The bugs are coming.

They're gross and they're everywhere.

You're the most literal well I've ever met.

Everyone, run for your life!

They're after our blood!

The worst first day in charge ever.

Jake, you have the last
wish. You need to fix this.

We went through this, gentleman's hat

Jake! Fine.

I wish to go back before
any of this ever happened.

Where'd he go?

Where am I?

When am I?

[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING][DINOSAUR ROARS]

A dinosaur?

I must have gone back, like, years.

And that, my little bushwhackers,

is why I cannot un-break this well.

But the well wasn't even the problem.

Yeah. It was those magical wishing coins

from that shady peddler.

Oh, I don't know.

He seemed like a real
stand-up guy in my story.

Handsome, too.

Well, better get to my next task.

I'll catch you on the flip flop.

Although,

that potato sack reminds me of another story.

He is your weird problem now.

The tale of the old burlap sack scarecrow

is the scariest tale I've ever been told.

By far, the longest.

I don't think we're gonna
make it to our potato sack race.

I get that feeling, yeah.

GUS: The year was yet again.

A lot of freaky stuff went down that year.

This tale begins with Noah Love

and Winnie the Kid building a scarecrow.

This Scarecrow better do the trick.

We have to find something to stop all
the crows from eating the chicken feed.

One hundred sticks of dynamite
would have easily solved the problem.

But somebody didn't want to be
swimming in a sea of crow parts.

Yes. I'm the weirdo.

Well, what do we think?

Feels like it's missing something.

A complicated backstory which
informs his hatred of crows?

No, a hat. Really?

But a complicated backstory is free.

Fine. Let's go buy a hat.

And some dynamite!

No dynamite.

We're not having another
birthday candle mix up.

Now, this is one sharp looking hat.

I wonder why it was so cheap.

[SIGHS] Apparently, it belonged to a guy

named Open Head Sore Sullivan.

You know what? I'll just carry this.

[EXCLAIMS]

Look what you did!

You made me spill my essence
of evil spirit all over that hat.

Essence of evil?

Now, why would anyone have that?

Because I'm an apothecary.

I specialize in the bizarre and the occult

Also works wonders on ingrown toenails.

Pickled salamander? What does that do?

Nothing.

It's just my lunch.

It's chewy, but in a good way.

Now get away from me.

You two just cost me a fortune.

Oh, I hope you both get what's coming to you.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

That was extremely sinister.

Oh, well, let's go put this hat on
a scarecrow near where we sleep.

Yeah, folks, come try my
delicious new breakfast stew,

It's hot, fresh,

and definitely not the water
I use to boil our laundry.

Hay! Oh, relax.

I serve you laundry water all the time.

No, hay.

My dresser is filled with it
and all my clothes are gone.

Which one of you pranked me?

It definitely wasn't me. I
don't like to trick people.

Now, come on, let's dig
into my dirty sock water.

I mean, delicious stew.

Wait... Wait a minute.

I swear this was filled
with stew a minute ago.

What's going on? I don't know.

But the only things that should
be stuffed with hay around here

are the animals and...

Uh, Noah?

Didn't you draw a smile on the scarecrow?

I... I thought I did.

Yeah, I'm out.

Uh, Noah?

Now the scarecrow is kinda...

[GULPS] Bye-bye.

Where could he have gone?

Found him.

Hey, our scarecrow's come to life.

Uh, maybe he's friendly.

Or maybe not.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

There's no way out of here.

Noah, close the barn door.

What? My fly's been down this whole time?

Oh, that barn door. I got you.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[NERVOUSLY] Uh, hey, Mr. Scarecrow.

Uh, please spare us, take the goat instead.

They're very tender and low in saturated fat.

A superfood, really. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

That's it. I'm taking down
this walking bag of hay.

Ugh, the walking bag of hay is still walking!

Wait. Remember the potion
the apothecary spilled on the hat?

Uh, maybe if you knock the
hat off, this will all be over.

But I only have one
horseshoe left. What if I miss?

You can do it, Winnie,
because if you don't, we're dead.

[SARCASTICALLY] Jeez,
no pressure or anything.

Winnie! You did it! You saved us.

Let us hit our hands together in celebration.

Whoa! That was awesome!

I'm gonna call it a high-five.

Or elevated slappy hand?

Nope, you're right, high-five is better.

[SIGHS] I'm just glad that
nightmare is finally over with.

[SIGHS]

[GOAT BLEATING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

And everybody lived happily ever after.

Well, except for the people who got
ripped to pieces by the demon goat.

Now that's my kind of ending.

Well, time for this creaky old claim jumper

to call it a day.

I sure hope I was helpful.

Not really.

You barely fixed anything and just
told us super creepy stories all day.

Ooh, you know, that reminds
me of a super creepy story.

Okay, bye, thanks for the nightmares.

Hey, guys. Sorry I couldn't get

to all those things you asked me to fix.

Shaquille O'Veal came down
with a sudden case of acid reflux

and all of her milk curdled

On the bright side, we got
cottage cheese for days,

It's okay, Lou, we appreciate
you hiring a handyman.

But maybe next time,

find one who doesn't walk
around not fixing things,

and then saying stuff
like, "Oh, horse feathers!"

Wait, what handyman?

You know, Gus Hootenheimer?

Older guy, about ' ",

uses a pickaxe to change a light bulb?

I didn't hire a handyman,

and the only Gus
Hootenheimer I've ever heard of

was an old prospector who used
to mine for gold around Dusty Tush.

Yeah, that's the guy.

Uh, couldn't be.

Gus Hootenheimer d*ed nearly years ago.

Wait, if he's dead, then who was
telling us about the burlap sack?

Who did we ask to fix the well?

Who plopped a nasty ball
of drain hair in my hand?

And why am I still holding it?

[ALL SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]