06x10 - Hauntin' Around the Christmas Tree

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for coming to
my milking demonstration.

If you have any additional questions,

that's on you, I was very thorough.

Thank you, Bill.

For being a kid you truly know
nothing about talking to kids.

So who wants to try milking first? Noah?

Thanks, but no thanks, Lou.

This is all a little too jiggly for me.

I'll give it a try.

Sure, Winnie. Go right ahead.

Goodbye farm-to-table.

Hello, utter to cereal bowl.

Efficient, resourceful. I'll allow it.

Noah was right. This is pretty jiggly.

It's a little warm.

Any way we can back this
bad girl into the walk-in fridge?

One, I think cow butts

are probably on a
health inspector no-no list.

And two, the walk-in fridge is on the fritz.

I was just in there, and it's
making everything warmer.

I thought the green bits in the cream
cheese this morning were chives.

And you are welcome to keep thinking that.

[ALL:] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♫

What part of my palm are you reading now?

I was trying to read your lifeline,

but I can't seem to find it.

Ah-ha! There it is.

Oh, boy.

What? What do you see?

Nothing. Totally unrelated.

You don't plan to go skydiving soon, do you?

[PHONE VIBRATING-♪]

Parker, can we please not break the kayaks?

We are running out of duct tape.

I mean professional kayak sealant.

Oh, great. My family's canceling

the traditional Preston family
Christmas party at the chateau.

You know, I was just
starting to find you relatable.

Turns out they want to visit

my sister's dumb space station instead.

You're doing Christmas in space?

That's it. This holiday has
gotten way too commercial.

I'm not going.

My sister said she gave
up my spot on the rocket.

It turns out they're
giving it to her giant cat,

who's apparently the brother she never had.

Well, if you can't celebrate
Christmas in December with your family,

why not celebrate it with us
now? We've done it before.

But this time you can be in charge.

We can include all your family traditions.

Great idea.

You guys are going to love this.

Preston family Christmases have everything.

Maple syrup fountains, human snowmen

trained turtles as serving trays.

You know, classic Christmas.

Yes, classic.

I do believe trained turtles
are mentioned in O Holy Night.

Plus, everyone gets an awesome present.

-Inner peace?
-No, something expensive.

Clearly, you don't know
the cost of a yoga retreat.

This party has to be a huge bash.

I could use some help with
decorations and swag bags.

Jake, Destiny, you in?

I can handle swag bags

if you tell me what it
means to handle swag bags.

And I'll take care of decorations.

Great. Meet in for a planning session.

I'm going to go call my snowman wrangler,

who I think may just steal
them from children's yards.

But he's got a great deal,
so I'm not asking questions.

Parker, someone has to put away these kayaks.

But you know what? It is Christmas Eve.

So it's not gonna be me either.
Mama's getting her nog on.

This party is gonna be so much fun.

I'm gonna go grab a step
ladder so I can decorate the tree.

Okay.

But If I were you, I'd wear a helmet.

What do you see on here?!

Come on. How hard could it
be to overnight some turtles?

They basically come in their own packaging.

Do you know how ridiculous you sound?

Thanks for coming, guys.
I need some good news.

Hit me with those amazing party ideas.

Well, I was thinking we
can cover the mess hall

in paper snowflake
chains and Christmas lights.

Then for the tree,

we can make garlands out
of popcorn and cranberries.

I love the enthusiasm, Destiny.

But decor at a Preston family Christmas

needs to be a lot more impressive, okay?

This party needs to make the Great Gatsby

feel like the below average Gatsby.

Then, what about...

Ice sculptures?

Hmm; Elaborate time
consuming frozen artwork

in the sweltering heat of summer.

Now you're talking!

Talking and instantly regretting.

Okay, Destiny's nailing it.

Jake, how are we doing on swag bags?

Yes. Question,

How do I get the swag inside the bag?

Diagrams would help.

Come on, the present's gotta pop.

It's Christmas. Everyone knows
how much you spend on a gift

shows how much you care.

That doesn't sound right.

Just noodle on it for
a little while. It'll gel.

Now, remember, team, all we
gotta do is throw a party so epic

it makes going to space
feel like a trip to the dentist.

-No pressure.
-Oh,

Did I give that impression? Sorry.

Lots of pressure!

Great meeting. Guys;
We're k*lling Christmas!

Certainly feels that way.

And he left without drawing the diagrams.

Ugh! Lou really needs to take
a look at that walk-in fridge.

Milk should not be warmer outside the cow.

Bill?

Yo, respect for your pajama game, bro.

I'm not Bill.

I'm your ghost host.

I just look like someone you
know, so you won't be scared.

Standard ghost procedure.

A ghost, huh?

And why would a ghost
dress like someone who uses

the word "motor car"?

Because I bought this for
my sister's ghost wedding,

and I wanted to get some
more use out of it, okay?

Also strong words coming from
a guy wearing a pompom hat.

Whatever, Bill.

Anyways, I got to hit the sack.

I'm kind of throwing the
Christmas of the Century tomorrow.

So if you'll excuse me,

"Ghost Host".

It does say in your file that
you're a little slow on the uptake.

Maybe this will convince you.

Boo!
[YELPS]

Good, good. Get it all out.

Ghosts are real.

They are. And three more
are coming to visit you tonight.

You've forgotten what Christmas is all about.

So they're going to teach you
the true meaning of the holiday.

Are these ghosts scary?

Very.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Me and ghost Lincoln had Knitting Club.

That boy can bust out a doily.

Well, they're usually scary.

Parker, the Ghost of Christmas Past,

Christmas Past, Parker.

What is going on?

An elaborate morality
play in your subconscious.

Try to keep up.

Let's do this.

That was unpleasant.

I felt like I was being
pulled here by my spleen.

-Where are we?
-This doesn't look familiar?

Is this... Is this my childhood bedroom?

It is.

[CHUCKLES]

This is my first hockey stick.

That's where I learned how to tie my shoes.

And this is where I used to sit
and talk to all my teddy bears.

I mean, real friends.

Anyway, it's just like I remember it.

That's because it is
just like you remember it.

We're in the past. It's
Christmas Eve years ago.

Excuse me, would you
mind sending me back now?

You accidentally brought me along.

Looks like someone could
use more time traveling practice

and less knitting with Lincoln.

You've always been jealous of our friendship.

And with that tone, you can just
find your own way back to the present.

Fine. From years in the past

I'm going to go hit up The Rock

before he gets too big to return my calls.

All right. Why are we here?

Is it so I can warn little
me not to frost my tips?

Shh. Watch.

Hey, it's little me.

Hey, little me.

Leave those tips alone.

He can't hear you, Parker.

Oh! Careful.

Spleen's still sensitive.

That's young Priscilla
in her business casual.

She must've just come from the playground.

Hey, doofus? What are you doodling?

A picture of our family.

It's Mom and Dad's Christmas present.

[SARCASTICALLY] Aw, how cute.

And by cute, I mean sad and pathetic.

What did you get them?

I also got them drawings.

Perhaps you've heard of a
little guy named Van Gogh?

Maybe Starry Night can replace
your hand turkey on the fridge.

What? How could you afford that?

I liquidated some of my assets.

Everyone knows that how
much you spend on a gift

shows how much you care about someone.

It does?

Of course it does.

[SCOFFS] I wish I had a
giant cat instead of a brother.

Later, loser.

Have fun getting cut out of the will.

Why are you showing me this?

This was the worst Christmas ever.

Yeah, and it's pretty
much all downhill from here.

Shall we?

Hey! Would you just...

Cut that... [SIGHS] Out.

I'll stop when you learn the
true meaning of Christmas

or when I run out of time dust.

This stuff is not cheap.

So when are we now?

A year later. Remember this one?

I'm getting Mom and Dad
massage chairs for Christmas.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got them
their own personal masseuse.

I got them season tickets

for their favorite hockey team.

Well, I bought them
their favorite hockey team.

-Nuh-uh!
-Yes-huh!

Are you proud of yourself?

She started it.

This isn't over, doofus.

One day, I'm going to give Mom and Dad

the best Christmas ever

on a space station named after me.

And you won't be invited.

But I love space.

That's it. I'm gonna frost my tips.

Wow, I forgot all about that.

Now, do you see the error of your ways?

So my family goes a bit
overboard with the gifts.

It's the holidays. What does this
have to do with Christmas now?

Now is not my department, Parker.

No. No more travelling by glitter.

I'm back.

You guys will not believe
the dream that I just had.

Also, that Christmas tree needs
to be like three times bigger.

We're competing with
zero gravity here, folks.

Um, hello?!

They can't hear you, Parker.

What? Who are you?

I'm the ghost of Christmas present.

Get ready to see some stuff.

All right, before we do this,
can I at least put on some pants?

Hurry up, there's much to see.

-So that's a no on the pants?
-There's no time.

We have to show you how your
actions are affecting the kids at camp.

Oh. Well, I can't wait to see all the
Christmas cheer I've been spreading.

Sure, that's exactly what we took time out

of our busy ghost schedules
to visit you for. Good things.

Oh; Well, do we have to travel by glitter?

To the Mustang cabin? It's right there.

Some ghosts have no flair for the dramatic.

No flair for the dramatic?
Do you see what I'm wearing?

You!

I had to walk for years to get back here.

In dress shoes.

Ah, much better.

Where did you send them?

The Ice Age. Better hope
those dress shoes have traction.

Quick. We have to teach you the
error of your ways before he gets back.

I cannot afford another
meeting with Ghost HR.

You know, this would have been
a lot faster if you used a chainsaw.

I've got one gassed up and ready to go.

No, thanks.

Wait, what?

Watch the wings, man. Watch the wings.

Parker.

Feast your eyes on the
chilling scene before you.

Finally, your energy matches your wardrobe.

Destiny; I'm going to be honest.

I totally didn't think
you could pull this off.

But it looks great.

I know, right?

This party means so much
to Parker. I can't let him down.

These decorations have to be
impressive or Christmas is ruined.

Now, for the final touch.

[BOTH:] No!

I ruined Christmas!

In July. But whatever.

[SIGHS] It doesn't matter when it is.

You know how much this party means to Parker.

Ugh! Why did I ever say I could do this?

I had no idea Destiny didn't
know how to make ice sculptures.

She's a -year-old girl from Tallahassee.

Did you really think this
was in her wheelhouse?

It's okay, Destiny.

Just tell Parker you couldn't do it.

And disappoint him?

I can't.

Maybe I'll just try and sculpt his face.

I just need more ice.

Back up the mountain.
Altitude sickness round two.

I feel terrible.

But can we stick around for the ice face?

I want to see if she gets the hair right.

You know, by now even Ebenezer
was learning a little something.

Hey, Jake, what you making?

They're action figures of me and Parker.

I'm gonna give them to him for Christmas.

I love them.

Wow, you're actually talented.

I mean, you're talented. I knew it!

Thanks.

I really hope the proportions are right.

I measured Parker in his sleep.

Ah, that's so sweet.

Horrifying, but sweet.

I'm heading to the kitchen to get a drink

you want anything?

Soy kale pineapple smoothie.

Water it is.

This is so nice.

After Destiny's Ice
Capade, I really needed this.

Thank you, guys.

He's a little slow on the uptake.

Yeah, I saw his file.

Hey, Jake, look at this.

It's a Christmas present for you.

It says it's from Parker.

Wow.

That's a big box.

It looks expensive.

It is; Nothing says Merry
Christmas like credit card debt.

Clearly, Parker spent a lot of money on this,

but I don't have any money.

Parker's gonna think I don't care about him.

No, he won't.

It's the thought that counts.

Parker can't read my thoughts, Bill.

Wait. No, don't throw them away.

They're great.

Wow.

I really messed up didn't I?

No, you're being haunted in your dreams

because you are nailing it.

-Too much?
-No, girl. Just right.

Wow; This is horrible.

I made Destiny and Jake feel as bad as I did

about Christmas when I was a kid.

Probably worse. At least you were rich.

Man, I thought I was
past being so materialistic.

The holidays can bring out the worst in us.

Every year, I argue with my mother
over the peppermint bark recipe.

A little nutmeg won't k*ll you,
Gina, we're already ghosts.

Look, I see the error of my ways.

I don't need a third ghost
to show me my future.

So can we please just
call it a day or a night,

or whatever, we're calling this
rancid milk-induced fever dream?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

Foolish mortal; It doesn't work that way.

They always want to quit
after the second ghost.

I'm just that good.

I set them up, you knock them down.

I promise, I will fix all
of this when I wake up.

So, can I, please, please, just be done?

Ah, I don't know.

Why don't you ask her?

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Phew, it's hot in there.

I mean, [OMINOUSLY] ooh, I
am the Ghost of Christmas Future.

It's her first week on the job.

Still, she's really embodying her character.

I can't believe she's already off book.

All right, let's get this over with.

What do I have to do to travel to the future?

It's simple. Pull my finger.

-Ew, no.
-It's not what you think.

Come on. I'm not falling for that.

It's the only way.

Come on, please.

Fine.

Phew,

I has been a while since I left the present,

that is tough on the spleen.

-Where are we?
-Kikiwaka Ranch.

Twenty years in the future,

or .

I'm still not great at
this time travel thing.

At least it isn't years into the future.

Hot tip. Buy a boat.

[PARKER:] Is that Bill?

Why is he carrying Lou's clipboard

and rocking a sweet lip warmer?

Because he owns the camp, now.

What happened to Lou?

She passed on to the big camp in the sky.

She's dead?

No. She started a Camp Kikiwaka on the moon.

Oh...

I see how that was confusing.

So this is a great future then,

Lou is on the moon and
Bill grew an awesome stash.

A great future?

Have you not taught him how this works?

It's like talking to a wall with this guy.

Ms. Baker, Mr. Jacobs.

What can I do for you?

I haven't seen you two since
you enrolled in business camp.

We're here to purchase the ranch.

Too bad. I'll never sell it.

I'd sooner shave my glorious mustache.

Oh, you'll sell it, that is,

unless you want us to
call the health inspector

on that walk-in fridge of yours.

[GASPS] You wouldn't.

Yeah, you wouldn't.

Oh, we would.

Well, Destiny would. I
don't know their number.

That walk-in fridge has been
broken since we went here.

We're doing everyone's tummies a favor.

Parker; Don't you see?

Your gigantic Christmas parties

distracted Lou from fixing that fridge?

And now, not even Bill's

glorious mustache can save this place.

The new Christmas Future
is laying it on a little thick.

Maybe, but she has it.

Her technique is raw and riveting.

Fine. I guess the camp is yours.

But I hope since we're friends that
you at least let me stay on as director.

It depends, how good are
you at directing wrecking balls?

Because we're tearing down the entire camp

and building a giant business center.

What kind of business?

The kind of business that
makes money, a money business.

He's obviously not the
brains of this operation,

but he's right. We're in it for the money.

Yeah, Christmas present money.

It's the most important thing.

Wait, I made them think that.

Uh, de-doi!

Please. I don't want to see anymore.

Let me pull your finger, I beg of you.

No finger pulling keep watching.

Jake; Prepare for demolition.

[GASPS] You rigged the camp with expl*sives?

I love my job.

Guys, stop!

This is wrong. Don't listen to me.

[LIGHTNING CRACKLES]

Just think;

None of this would have been possible

if we hadn't listened to our mentor,

Parker Preston. Parker Preston.

Ready, on three. One... Three.

Noooo!

Nooooooooo!

Does he always sleep here?

I don't know. Maybe. I
never gave him a cabin.

You can see me?

The camp; It's still here. It's a miracle!

I say that to myself every day.

You guys, I am so sorry.

I had it all wrong.

The most important part of Christmas

is being with the people that you love.

And I love you and you and...

I don't know you, but I feel
like I could also love you.

Wait. Does this mean you
don't want a big Christmas party?

Or an ice sculpture that I
have definitely already finished

and didn't cry over once?

No, Christmas isn't about having your face

carved in ice forever
or swag bags or parties.

It's about peace, joy and good will.

All I want for Christmas

is a campfire surrounded by all of you.

-Ooh, can we have Christmas carols?
-Of course.

And what about Christmas
Connies and Christmas Steves?

You're too pure for this world, buddy.

After last night, I will never forget
the true meaning of Christmas again.

That's awesome. By the way,
where'd you get those pajamas?

Oh, oh, you like them?

No, I just wanted to buy you matching pants.

That's fair.

And Lou, I am going to help
you fix that walk-in fridge,

because someday, you might
be building a camp on the moon

and it is really going to
come around to bite you.

What do you think happened to him?

I don't know.

But I've got to get that guy a cabin.

Sorry I shut these down earlier, Destiny,

these garlands are great.

Thanks. They look really
pretty once they're on the tree.

And maybe later we can eat them.

All we have at this camp is hot milk.

Hey, Parker?

I'm so sorry, but I didn't
buy you a Christmas present.

It turns out the general store

does not accept payment in hugs.

But Jake, you made me the best present ever.

We just have to go get it out of the trash.

How'd you know about that?

Because a ghost came to me
in my dream and showed me.

Oh, cool.

[LOU:] Another hard night's work complete.

Nice job, Christmas Past.

Ghost Host. Glad you could make it.

Do not talk to me.

I just had to relive , years
of human history because of you.

Do you know how many centuries
they didn't have espresso machines?

Most of them.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING-♪]

Lou; Great news.

It turns out I get to spend Christmas
at the space station after all.

I guess Priscilla had a bad dream

and decided to leave her giant cat at home.

Plus, there's no room
for its giant litter box.

It's a Christmas in July Miracle.

I should really talk to someone
about making this a permanent thing.

Oh, wait. That someone
is me. Great idea, Lou.

Well, guys; Looks like our job here is done.

Pull my finger and let's go home.

[FARTS]
[LAUGHING]

Gotcha!

Who hired her?