06x11 - Hope You Geyser Ready to Go!

[bunniefuu]

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]

Hey, Lou, everything's great.

We'll be there right on time.

And I definitely didn't just
wake up five minutes ago.

Just a reminder that you and the kids

need to be on the road in exactly minutes

to be here for when the geyser erupts.

This geyser's an early riser.

[CHUCKLES] It's crazy early,
but my rhyme game is still on point.

Don't worry, I told Mustang and Coyote captains

to meet me out here at : a.m. sharp,

Good, 'cause these tourists are
trying to horn in on our prime spot.

Do not unroll that beach blanket

or I am putting you in the geyser hole.

That photo of us in front
of that thing when it erupts

will make an awesome new camp brochure photo.

It'll definitely be better than the
one in front of Quicksand Cove.

Yeah, we didn't get many faces in that sh*t.

But, after this year's brochure cover,

no kid will be able to resist such a fun place.

Hey, back off!

And please send your child to Kikiwaka Ranch.

Well, you can count on me
to get everyone there on time.

Hey, I got to go. The kids
should be here any minute now.

[ROOSTER CROWING]

Any minute now.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING-♫]

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

The bag of poop was on fire when I got here.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

PARKER: You guys up? It's almost time to go.

What? Why aren't you dressed?

The geyser goes off soon,

and if we're not there on
time, Lou goes off on me.

Oh, I totally forgot. Today is the photo.

Yep. So let's make sure we show up looking good.

Are you saying Destiny Baker would ever
show up somewhere and not looking good?

Back home, a comment like that
would get you a Tallahassee twister.

See, you take to clothes pins and a battery...

Just get ready.

Jeez! Uptight much?

Hey, did you actually set a bag of
poop on fire, or was that just a dream?

Yes.Okay.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Wake up. It's almost sunrise.

Almost sunrise? I missed half my day.

The photo op is today.

I need to find just the right
look for the brochure cover.

Because this bro sure needs
to choose a perfect outfit.

[CHUCKLES] Get it?

Oh, I am at least seven
minutes past tolerating punts.

Get dressed.

Why are you still sleeping?

Why are you yelling?

Because you're still sleeping!

Okay, that's fair.

You all have minutes until departure.

Are we clear?

To knee or not to knee?

[CHUCKLES] That is the question.

Okay, I am now eight
minutes past tolerating puns.

Winnie, let's go!

Didn't you see how stressed Parker was?

He looked at his watch so many times

I was starting to think there was a mirror on it.

Some people just can't get over themselves.

I don't think I can go to the geyser.

Why, what's wrong?

I must have eaten too much this morning.

My stomach hurts.

You haven't eaten anything yet.

I meant, I hurt my elbow.

Through the stomach, up the arms.

That doesn't make any sense.

What are you, the elbow police?

You're being really weird.

Oh, so now being weird is a crime too?

What?

Just go to the geyser without me.

But first, maybe bring me some breakfast

because you're right, I
haven't eaten. Thanks. Bye!

Okay.

I've said enough "byes" in my
day to know that something's up.

Everything okay, Bill?

I can't find my favorite hat.

I've been wearing it since I was in diapers.

You're hat as baby sized?

No, it's adult sized.

I was born with a very large head.

Can we look for it when we get back?

No. I can't be in a photo without it.

Why not? Because I'm a cowboy.

Hats are part of who I am.

Without it, I just look like the
rest of you silly tenderfoots.

Hurtful!

I'll retrace my step from yesterday

to figure out where I left it.

No, don't. That sounds like it'll take way too...

And he's gone.

Parker, you're fashionable guy.
What do you think of this outfit?

It's good. I like it.

"It's good"? "I like it"?

Not, "It's great. I love it"?

Come on, now, get your head in the game.

No! Don't...

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]

Uh-oh! It's Lou.

I've gotta go help Bill.

Tell her we're on our way. And if it feels right,
throw in a few "Parker's awesome" -s.

And maybe a "He's nailing it".

Parker's phone. Parker's bestie speaking.

Jake? Where's Parker?

He's awesome. He's nailing it.

Nailing what?

Uh, I'm in a tunnel.

Uh-oh!

I'm alone with the phone.

Hey! I'm alone...

...with a phone.

I wonder if Parker has any games on this thing.

Ooh, Jake, you naughty boy.

I'll have the mound of growing around

with some mound of hash brown please.

Uh, Bill. If you're gonna order imaginary food

from an imaginary chef,

at least make it something good.

Steak and eggs, please, invisible good sir.

I told you, I'm retracing
my steps until I find my hat.

This is the first place I was yesterday.

Then I sat in this exact
same spot and ate my food.

You can't be serious.

We're gonna be late.

One. Two.

Three.

What are you doing?

My mom always taught me to
chew times before swallowing.

It's air!

You're chewing air!

All right. You know what?
I'm gonna go check on the girls.

You keep having an imaginary good time

with your imaginary breakfast.

I imaginary will.

One. Two.

Ooh, is that paprika?

Chef Linus, you've outdone yourself.

Oh, good. You're ready. What's wrong with Winnie?

So far, I've diagnosed a missing elbow,

frostbite and a bad case of angry ghosts.

Okay. Well, I need to have a group
of kids on that bus in minutes.

So if that ghost is camera ready, I'll take 'em.

Clearly, Winnie is going through something.

I probably need to have a heart to heart with her

to find out what it is.

Oh, Destiny, you are such a
compassionate and thoughtful counselor.

Make it fast or I'm gonna rip my eyeballs out.

Winnie, why don't you
want to get out of bed today?

You can tell me.

I don't want to talk about it.

I just feel awful inside.

Oh!

I think I know what's going on.

And listen, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It happens to all of us.

But I am embarrassed.

I never wanted this to happen.

There's never a convenient time

and you don't have to tell anyone.

I think they're going to find out.

I mean, Bill's probably looking for it right now.

Bill?

Oh, we're not talking about the same thing.

What did you think we were talking about?
Nothing. Ask your mom.

Uh, just tell me very clearly why are you upset?

Is that Bill's hat?

Yes, with two big pink handprints on it.

What do we do?

I don't know. But when Bill finds out,

you're going to wish you just
had a case of angry ghosts.

I didn't mean to ruin Bill's hat.

I was just trying to use your glitter
nail polish to decorate my backpack.

But I got the polish all over my hands.

Wait, you used my nail polish?

Can we please focus on one oopsie at a time?

Sorry. Go on.

That's when I saw Bill's hat on the lawn.

I forgot about the polish,
went to pick up the hat, boom.

If I tell Bill what happened,
he'll never forgive me.

And then he's gonna teach me how to ride a goat.

BILL: Hey, guys!

BOTH: Bill!

Have either of you happen to
notice a stray hat anywhere?

It's brown, well loved makes
me look like a ding dang hero.

Nope. Neither of us has seen a brown hat lately.

I saw yellow and a couple of greens,

even one of those hats
with the spinny things on top.

Hilarious, but definitely
not brown. Destiny, stop me.

Well, I need to find it.

Or else, I can't be in the geyser photo.

And can forget about ever
being respected by a horse again.

We'll be on the lookout for it.

Much obliged.

Dang it! I can't tip my hat without a hat.

I'm a shell of a man.

Okay, you know what?
Time's up for picking clothes.

What do you think?

It's great. I love it.

Wrong. That was a test.

Everyone knows you don't
wear aquamarine to a geyser.

That's competing with the star of the show.

Noah.

I'm begging you to hurry.

If we don't leave in minutes,

we are going to ruin Lou's brochure photos,

she'll never trust me with anything ever again.

Which is pretty much how things are now,

but I was hoping that would change.

Take that, you alien scum!

Ah, I forgot how relaxing this is.

Hey, Parker, look at us.

Two guys on a porch loving life and nothing else.

I'm going to check in with the bus driver.

Jake, thank you for being the responsible one

who is actually ready to leave.

You're not dining with invisible people,

or suffering from a ghost disease.

And for that, I deeply appreciate you.

That's right.

I'm not doing anything I'm forbidden to do.

That's an odd way to say that,

but bigger fish to fry.

I better go find somewhere else to play this
before he gets back from frying fish.

I've never used nail polish
remover on anything other than nails,

but I think it's working.

If this thing had cuticles, it
would be my masterpiece.

What are cuticles?

Nobody knows, but the
patriarchy says we can't have them.

This spot is stubborn.

Oh, no! We bleached it!

What? This is supposed to be your thing?

I'm the blowing of stuff girl

and you're fixing things with makeup girl.

Sorry. This is my first hat manicure.

Bill's going to freak out.

BILL: Why will I freak out?

[BOTH SCREAM]

You'll freak out because...

Uh, there is a sale for % off vinyl siding.

And now I know why they call him Crazy Ray.

His deals are insane.

Guys, I don't think I'm going to find my hat.

Uh, you know what? I just remembered,

I am positive I saw your hat on the lawn.

It looked completely hat colored.

Really? Where on the lawn?

I don't know exactly where, but
just somewhere that's not... here.

You know, maybe you're right.
I'm gonna check one more time.

Great idea. Give the lawn my regards.

That's a normal thing to say, right?

Why are you giving him hope?

Now, he's just going to be more disappointed.

I was trying to buy us time by
being my usual ray of sunshine.

Ooh, I've got another idea.

We can cover up the bleach
stain with more nail polish.

Nail polish is what got me
into this in the first place.

Yes, but not this color.

It's called Sweaty Leather Brown,

gross name, but definitely better
than their Car Sick Green line.

Parker, great news.

You found your hat. You ready to be in the photo?
Not even close?

Yep, I set myself up for that.

After talking to the girls,

I know I'm gonna find my hat soon.

Yes, that's the spirit.

And look, if you don't find it,

it's not the end of the world.

When I was a kid, I lost my favorite spork.

Spork?

Don't judge me.

You can get fries and gravy in the same bite.

Anyways, it was a dark time.

I'd eat bacon with my
fingers like a grubby American.

And what's your point?

To tell you the truth, I'm
struggling with this metaphor.

The point is, I got over the loss.

How long did it take?

Just over nine years.

Nine years? I can't wait for that.

I have to find my hat now.

Wait. No, no, no! Come back!

There's no time for this!

That was not the point of my spork lecture.

I'm ready. Thank you.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I have to change.

No, no, no. It's just a lovely plop of color.

I'm not gonna be on a brochure

right after a bird dropped
a loaf on my shoulder, man.

Then just take the jacket off.

Come on. We gotta leave in six minutes.

Yeah, we might be a little late.

There's no a little late in geysers.

It goes up and then down. That's it.

If you're late, it's literally
just a hole in the ground.

No, it's just really important
that I look my best for this photo.

No, it's not. Nobody cares what you wear.

Fine. I just take off this jacket.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Okay. Why do I not feel welcome?

Having rough morning, Linus,
load me up with some stress bacon.

Ugh, look at me like a grubby American.

You guys do do this well.

Go for Big Jake.

Jake, it's Lou. Are you all on the way
to the geyser yet? Be right down, Mom.

I'm not your mom. And why do you have Parker's...

Bye!

Hey, Bill, what brings you to
this remote corner of the ranch

I didn't expect anyone to be in?

I'm still looking for my hat.

I forgot I was in here yesterday

for some recreational stall munchies.

You're kidding me.

No, I actually enjoy it.

Maybe it's over here.

I really need to find that hat.

I just feel so naked without it.

Oh, come on!

Yeah. Sorry for that visual.

You can do this, you can do this.

Thanks, man. I really want to believe that.

It's just this is my first ever cowboy hat.

It's supposed to be bronzed and
placed on my tombstone someday.

Seriously?

I know. It's a weird family
tradition, but it's ours.

Nope, not in there.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but maybe it's lost forever.

I got you.

Hey, Jake.

Yeah?

If you ever need me, I got
you, too. You're a good friend.

Oh, yeah. I always thought that about myself.

Now, die.

What did you just say?

I said, "cow fly".

Oh, I thought maybe you said "bye bye".

That would've made more
sense. Let's go with that.

Ta-dal!

Oh, my gosh!

I know, right? Good as new.

No, I mean, % off new roofing.

Crazy Ray, you sly son of a g*n.

Oh, but yeah, totally.

Ta-dal!

Uh, don't use my ta-dal.

Destiny, we did it.

The hat looks good as new, and
Bill will never know I messed it up.

Everything's working out exactly like we planned.

Yeah, usually around here

an optimistic comment like that

is followed by unexpected
but predictable disaster.

But, hey, maybe this time it'll all work out.

Bill, we have something for you.

You found my hat. Come to papa.

ALL: No!

I'm ready.

Yeah, this all tracks.

Okay. One disaster at a time.

Destiny, Winnie, why'd you cook Bill's hat?

It wasn't on purpose.

I forgot that nail polish is still
flammable when it hasn't dried yet.

Stupid, stupid, Destiny.

It's like you never took
that beauty safety seminar.

Nail polish?

Destiny, what are you talking about?

It was all my fault.

I got nail polish on your hat by mistake.

I didn't want you to
find out, so I tried to fix it.

But instead, I turned it
into a charred hat kebab.

So you guys had my hat the
whole time and didn't say anything?

Parker, you guys go on without me.

I don't feel like smiling for a photo.

This is the worst day ever.

Bill's mad at me.

Plus something exploded into flames

and I didn't even enjoy it.

Winnie!

Great. Nobody's ready to go.

There's no more stress bacon.

And, Noah, why are you
dressed like a fancy pirate?

Uh, this is from Othello.

My fancy pirate leggings
are a bit snug in the hammies.

Okay, let me rephrase. Why?

Well, you said I could wear anything
because apparently I don't matter.

That's not what I said. Well,
that's what it felt like you said.

It hurt my feelings.

When you told me what I
looked like wasn't important,

it was like you were saying I wasn't important.

Noah, I'm sorry.

I guess the stress of getting everyone ready

turn me into someone who is...

A total dingus?

I was gonna say a little crabby. Wow!

Noah, you are the b*ating
heart of Kikiwaka Ranch.

There's literally no one more
important to this photo than you.

Really?

Parker, thank you. That's all I need to hear.

Unless you have more
compliments then please keep going.

So you'll change out of the
Othellocostume and you'll come to the
photo? I'm actually dressed as Iago.

He's in a scene where, uh...

Oh, I see the vein on your
forehead. I'll go change.

Don't worry, Parker.

Bill is about to get a face full of apology.

And when I'm done, he won't know what hit him.

That's great.

Although maybe pump the brakes
on the physical threats, yeah?

Knock, knock. I have something for you.

It's not a dead bug, is it?

No, that's a different box.

It's not a live bug, is it?

[CHUCKLES] No, that's a different, different box.

A party popper?

It's the first one I ever bought.

It's my lucky charm.

Most kids wanted toys, but
I wanted something so loud

it could make the neighbors pee a little.

Anyway, it's my favorite
thing in the whole world,

and I told myself I would keep it
forever and never pull the string.

I want you to pull it.

Why?

Because I destroyed something
important of yours today.

If you destroy this, then we'll be even.

Winnie, it's not about getting even.

Of course, I'm sad about my hat.

But I'm sadder that you lied to me.

You're right. That was bad.

But you're my friend,

and I didn't want you to be mad at me.

So I covered it up and made everything worse.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

I know.

And it's okay, Winnie.

I forgive you.

You do?

Of course, like you said, we're friends.

And if you ever do this again,

I have some hat cleaner
that can get rid of any stain.

But please, never do this again.

Understood.

Destiny's ready. Bill, what about you?

I'm ready.

If Winnie can let go of her lucky popper,

I can let go of my hat.

The truth is, I look like a
ding-dang hero without it.

Yeah, you do.

How do I look? Meh.

Just kidding. You look great!

Jeez, everyone's so stressed today.

Now, come on.

I can't believe it. We're all ready to go.

We just need to go.

I always knew you'd pull it off.

We can't leave yet. Where's Jake?

Oh, he's been ready this whole time.

Jake is the perfect camper.

JAKE: I'm not going anywhere.

This absolutely tracks.

Jake, are you playing a video game?

You're not allowed.
And we have to leave in three minutes.

So turn that off and get down here.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING-♪]Not
until I finish. I'm so close.

You're not gonna take me
while my character is still alive.

Okay.

Jake, put the game down
and step away from the phone.

I will put the phone down,

for seconds, because it's a cut scene.

And I see, now I have to defend myself.

So, back off.

Or prepare to eat carbs.

Everyone, stand down.

He's got dinner rolls.

Jake, just come on down and get on the bus.

If we don't get to the geyser on time,

Lou is gonna rip me from feet to face.

Sorry, but I'm in the game now.

It was always gonna end like this.

[SHOUTING] Take cover!

[THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS IN SLOW MOTION]

[IN SLOW MOTION] No!

Ow!

Those aren't even the soft rolls
that you bought, you monster!

I'm finishing this game

and there's nothing you all can do about it.

We are going.

Oh, I guess you can do that.

So how many changes did you go
through before you landed on the right look?

Twelve. Been there.

Hey. Sorry, guys.

But, you know, classic Jake Jacobs. Am I right?

Wait. So your name is Jacob Jacobs?

Yeah. My parents thought it would be funny.

It's not.

Well, we're ready to go.

And with one minute to spare.

[BIRDS SCREECHES]

I'm gonna need a minute.

Come on! Seriously, man?

We'll be late! Hurry!

Where are we going?

Well, Parker, you got everyone to the geyser

just in time for the photo.

No one's more surprised than me.

One day I will tell you
the tale of roll-mageddon.

You're so lucky, you wouldn't believe
how hard my morning was.

I had to hold our spot in front of the geyser
for over an hour. There wasn't even a chair.

Well, there was a chair but
it did not recline all the way.

I am broken.

You have broken me.

Something happened here this morning, didn't it?

Hey, do y'all want to see the photo?

WINNIE: Hey, even without the hat,
that is a great picture of you, Bill.

Thanks.

Yeah, you probably don't have to wear
a hat ever again. You bite your tongue.

Oh, Bill, I totally forgot to tell
you. I found your hat last night.

It is in the 'lost and found' box in my cabin.

There's been a 'lost and
found' box the whole time?

The whole time!

Yeah, let's all be upset with
Lou and forget what I did.

I'm coming, friend!

This is great news. I guess we
just b*rned someone else's hat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sorry for your loss.

Seriously, what happened here today?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]