06x13 - Art Imitates Life

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Bill. Question?

Answer. I make my boot
polish out of lemon juice,

olive oil and a little bit of vinegar,

It also doubles as a great salad dressing.

Boot vinaigrette?

Text me that recipe, bro.

I was going to ask you
where you get your haircut,

because the only barber on Main Street,

also sharpens lawnmower
blades, which feels unsafe.

I cut my own hair.

Out on the open range,
you have to be self-reliant.

I can do yours if you want.

Let me grab my sheep shears.

On second thought, I'll take my
chance at the lawn mower barber.

Don't worry,

I've been doing this for years.

Just cover yourself with one of those blankets.

Okay? Well, thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Ooh, smells like Noah's
been using that body spray

I got him. [CHUCKLES]

Supreme Swag for Nice Dudes.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

So I was thinking just a little trim on the_

Shh...

Barber Bill's got you.

You're in good hands.

Do you trust me?

With my life.

Let's do this.

[CLIPPERS BUZZING]

What was that? Did you start the haircut?

That was just my, uh, vibrating comb.

It's a cowboy thing.

Cool. I wanna see it.

Um, a barber never reveals his secrets.

You know what?

I don't think now is the
right time for a haircut.

The weather is so nice.

We should go outside and get some sun.

Okay, we can do this later.

Oh, before we go, I want to
get some sunscreen for my neck.

I wouldn't want to get a sunburn.

Yep, that's definitely the only terrible thing

that could possibly happen
to the back of your head.

Let's go.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Hey, Hunter. Want to go on an adventure?

[NEIGHS]

That's what I like to hear.

Follow up question.

Would you be open to wearing a parachute?

What am I saying?

Of course you would. Horses love parachutes.

Winnie, why are you
putting that saddle on Hunter?

Oh, my bad. I've never ridden a horse before.

Should I put the parachute on first?

What you should do is step away from the horse.

Look, if you want to learn to ride Hunter,

you're going to have to take
horseback riding lessons, from me first.

Awesome.

And just to be clear, there is no scenario

where you should ever be
putting a parachute on a horse.

Oh. Yeah, I was just kidding about that.

[NEIGHS]

Snitch.

What a great painting, Melanie.

It definitely won't live in
my nightmares forever.

Very interesting, Andy.

I see you decided to go abstract.

Oh. That's just how you see the world?

Neat.

Tyler,

I'm gonna be honest with you.

This is bad.

Wow, Jake, this is...

I can't even think of the word.

I believe it's called "fruit".

No, I think the word is "genius".

I'm genuinely impressed,

and I'm not just pretending it's good,

like I did it with everyone
else's terrible paintings.

[SCOFFS] No offense, but we all have eyes.

We didn't know you were such a talented artist.

I used to paint all the time

until I started playing video games.

You've got to keep it up.

It's our job as counselors
to encourage our campers

to reach their full potential,

except for Tyler.

The art world will eat that kid alive.

What are you doing?

I was just going to scratch my head.

I got it.

I didn't think we had this
kind of relationship, but cool.

[LAUGHING]

Are those kids laughing at me?

Oh. No, they're laughing at me because...

My belt doesn't match my boots.

Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Cut him some slack, guys.

He doesn't know he's an autumn.

Whoa, Parker, what happened to you?

What do you mean?

Uh... She means...

You look swole, you've been working out, bro?

Well, I have been doing some water aerobics.

Actually, I was talking about the...

Let's go to the lake so you can
teach me some of your moves.

Sure, I can go for a low intensity aqua jog.

Do me a favor

and don't mention his hair
for a solid two to weeks.

Okay, but how long until I can tell you
your belt doesn't match your boots?

Don't judge me. I didn't know I was an autumn.

Why did you want to meet in
here for horseback riding lessons?

Is Hunter my new counselor?

I guess I'll miss Destiny, but okay.

I won't tell her how quickly you made that turn.

And we're in here because we
don't need Hunter for this first class.

I thought I'd actually get to
ride a horse in these lessons.

Oh, you will. I just need to
make sure you're prepared first.

Now, come on, have a seat.

Welcome to Professor Lou's Horse School,

where we make learning horseback riding

as easy as one, two, three,
or, as horses like to say it...

[THUDDING]

Ha!

Don't worry. By the end of
this class, you will get that joke.

Let's start at the top.

The horse's head is made up of two parts.

The neurocranium and the viscerocranium.

Come on, this is so boring.

Not all of it.

Just wait until we learn how
to take a horse's temperature.

Hint. If you think it's through their mouth,

you are at the wrong end.

Whoa. Jake, what's going on in here?

You guys told me I should
paint more, so I'm painting more.

Great. And now that you're
taking my advice on things,

maybe you could try flushing
the toilet, every once in a while.

No can do. I'm a busy man.

I wanted to thank you
both for believing in my art.

You helped me remember how much I love painting.

We're honored to have played
a small, yet super important part

in helping you return to your passion.

Indeed, my passion for capturing reality

or the observable world, if you will.

Now, while I clean my brushes,

please, feel free to ruminate,

on my reflections of society 'hasta la pasta'

Okay.

Hey, look; You made it
into one of Jake's paintings.

I'm not surprised. An artist is nothing

without a handsome, yet relatable muse.

What is that I'm holding? Oh, no.

Are you sneaking off

with a giant bag of marshmallows?

You know what, it's probably just Jake

taking some artistic license.

That boy and his active
imagination, such a fun soul.

Jake said he paints the real
things he sees around him.

The observable world, if you will.

Fine.

If you must know,

I stuff marshmallows into my pillow case.

What?

Noah!

Those bricks Lou expects us
to sleep on are t*rture devices.

But don't worry,

I put the marshmallows back in the
bag and return them in the morning.

So, we've all been eating your pillow smores?

Not better, Noah!

Fine. Go ahead. Call the FDA!

I sleep like a baby, and I'd do it again.

Lou can't see that.

I'm gonna ask Jake to paint me out.

Oh, don't. He just
rediscovered his love of painting.

We shouldn't say anything
that might discourage him.

Fine.

As long as my marsh-pillow stays between us.

Of course. Now, give me that.

I've haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.

Nine hundred ninety eight, , .

Ready or not, here I come.

Hey, you found me.

You're good.

Bill, what are you doing here?

You explained the rules of
cowboy hide and seek very clearly.

You go run and hide,

and I sit and count to
with my head against the wall.

It's weird but clear.

Well, I've just been thinking
you should wear more hats.

Also weird, but less clear.

Still, I have been wanting to up my
headwear game, so I won't question it.

Great.

Here's a cowboy hat.

Try wearing it really low
on the back of your head,

like this...

Now the brain isn't blocking the sun.

That's how you get the cool cowboy squint.

No one's gonna take you seriously,

without leathery cheeks.

No, thank you. I do not have a two hour

nightly skin care regimen
to get premature crow's feet.

Then how about a gardening hat?

Nice wide brim, real long neck flap.

Plus, it gives you those cool grandma vibes.

I don't need a hat to do that.

I give off mad cool grandma
vibes at water aerobics.

You're looking at the king
of pool noodle pushups.

I have a really good feeling about this next one.

Well, I appreciate the gesture, Bill,

but I try not to be so on the nose Canadian.

Hey, you wanna give me that haircut now?

Uh, sure, right after we go on a hike.

Let's grab some helmets.

Helmets for a hike?

[SNICKERS] Safety first.

Aren't you supposed to be
the responsible adult here?

You're right. I'm a terrible activities director.

It's okay.

Just don't be so careless
with my safety in the future.

Now let's go.

Okay, so for your next lesson, we're moving on

to brushing, so many different bristles,

so little time.

Brushing?

Can't we move on to riding?

You need to take this seriously, Winnie.

Horseback riding could be dangerous

Exactly. That's why I wanna to it.

You do realize you're talking
to an authority figure, right?

I'm willing to ignore it if you are.

Okay. We have a lot of
ground to cover, so let's get to it.

With any luck, you'll be
riding Hunter in a few weeks.

Weeks?

Oh. I'm sorry. I misspoke.

Months.

Now pick up your brush and go with the grain.

Fine. I'll take the butt hair.

Tail.

Whatever.

What? Where?

Oh good, they're still alive. I must
have just dozed off for... Oh, no.

Morning, sleepyhead.

Now, this is art.

Oh look,

It's me asleep at work.

'Yay'.

Doesn't feel so great having Jake capture

you being a bad counselor does it?

Oh, maybe later he can paint
you passing out axes

before you leave to get ice cream.

Fine. You were right. Jake's
paintings are becoming a problem.

Do you like how I captured the sunlight,

reflecting off this little puddle of drool?

Yes. I feel like the Mona Lisa.

The world needs to see this.

Maybe I should ask Lou to hang
my paintings in the mess hall?

Oh, well, your paintings are great,

no one can deny that as
much as they might want to.

But, um...

Yes, Noah, but what?

But I'm still thinking, Destiny.

But your paintings are way
too good for the mess hall.

Yeah, plus there's a food fight

in there every other week,

and mound of brown splatter
does not come off.

This shirt used to be white.

You're right.

My art does deserve better.

Also, that's really gross, Noah.

Says the guy who doesn't flush.

That was close.

We need a plan to make sure

no one else sees these paintings of us.

Or we could be up front with
Lou tell her what happened,

apologize and accept our punishment?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I knew it was ridiculous as I was saying it.

All right, helmet hikes.

I see you. Sweatier, but safer.

What are you doing?

I, uh, was just wondering
how you would look in a cape.

Not surprisingly, I totally pull it off.

All right. We did water aerobics,
played hide and seek,

hiked for what felt like an eternity.

It's haircut time.

I don't know.
[LAUGHING]

You're right. It is haircut time here.

Get in that cabin, you hairy monster.

Whoa. What's going on in here?

I don't know, but the mystery is so riveting.

I don't think I can cut any
hair until we figure it out.

Looks like Jake's been doing some painting.

Oh. That one kind of looks like me.

That's even the same shirt I'm wearing.

Why would Jake paint a giant bald spot

onto the back of my head?

He's Jake.

Who knows why he does
anything. He doesn't even flush.

Bill! What did you do?

Nothing. Let's go on another sweaty helmet hike.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize my shears were on
the wrong setting and I messed up.

And worst of all, there's no
such thing as a vibrating comb.

So this is why everyone has
been laughing at me all day?

That...

and you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

What?

Bad looking out, bro.

So, Jake,

Noah and I were talking and
we'd love to buy some of your art.

Aw.

So you can hang them
up for all the world to see?

Yeah-huh.

We had a tough time
deciding on which ones to pick.

But after a lot of consideration,
we landed on the mess hall

and dodge ball pieces for
no particular reason at all.

Well, you guys don't have to buy them.
I'll just give them to you.

-You will?
-Of course.

Right after my art show.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but please tell me you just said, "Fart show."

No, but I'll hold on to
that gem for another time.

You guys were right.

My paintings are too good
just to hang up in the mess hall

without the spectacle of a formal event.

Yay.

So glad we inspired

this genius idea.

Do not lose that.

On the back is a coupon for one free hug.

An art show? What are we going to do?

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe no one will go.

Jake, I would love to go.

Or maybe it's bad.

Okay, Hunter.

If Lou isn't going to let us go for a ride,

then we'll just have to take things

into her own hands and hooves.

[HORSE WHINNIES]
Oh, come on.

Well behaved horses rarely make history.

Let's ride.

[NEIGHS]

Whoa!

Ow. My butt.

Ow, ow, ow.

[NEIGHING]

Save your, "told you so's"

for someone who wants to hear them.

'Bonjour, mes amis'.
'Hi, my friends'

Oh, parlez-vous Francais?
Oh, do you speak French?

What?

Nothing.

This looks so great,

but I wonder if there are
just too many paintings.

It's hard to focus on your brilliance.

Maybe taking a couple out

would help any random two, like,

totally off the top of my head.

These two.

I hate to play the artistecard,

but as the only one around
here with an eye for composition,

the arrangement of my
paintings, c'est magnifique.

So you do speak French?

Who said anything about French?

Welcome to my show, titled

"Jacob Jacob's Paints Paintings."

We have to stop Lou from seeing Jake's paintings

of us being bad counselors.

I can't lose my marshmallows.

It's the only pillow I've found

that doubles as a midnight snack.

Hey, hey, Lou.

I didn't see you there.

You don't have to look at all these paintings.

To be honest, they're not
that good, so derivative.

What're you talking about?
This one's amazing.

This waste of paint?

Please. This is just some,
some little kid's painting.

How can you say that? I mean,
look at this masterpiece.

Wait, is that Winnie

sneaking off with a saddle?

It's like she has no respect for horse school.

-Yes.
-Mission accomplished.

You guys think my art isn't
that good and a waste of paint?

-No, Jake, you don't understand.
-Yes, I do.

You guys don't believe in me.

I knew I shouldn't have drawn on
this goatee with permanent marker.

Sacre bleu!
Damn it!

Jake, je suis desole.

I don't know what that means!

Hope you're happy; This is my life now.

-There are better hats in there.
-Let me wallow in my own way.

Parker, I'm really sorry.

I should have just told you the truth.

-I'll do whatever it takes to make it right.
-Really?

You know, one guy wearing
an ugly hat is a weirdo.

But two guys wearing ugly hats

is a fashion statement.

All right; I accept my fate.

Pick the hat that you
think is a sufficient apology.

Apologize harder.

-What happened to you?
-What do you mean?

Nothing happened to me.
My butt feels great.

I am so glad to hear that, because I think

it's finally time you ride Hunter.

So get that healthy butt up on there.
-Really?

You know what, Lou?
You were right. I'm not ready.

I'm a loose cannon. We can't trust me.

Winnie, you've been so
patient with these lessons.

I know you understand how
important it is to be totally prepared

before you ever try to get up on a horse?

So there's nothing left to
teach you. Let's mount up.

You've earned it.

I guess I can't think of a
reason why I shouldn't do this.

-Ow.
-What's that?

Uh, nothing.

I just remembered. I'm scared of horses.

Ahhh!

Oh, nonsense.

Just wait until you're out on the trail,

bouncing up and down, really feeling

every trot step in your bones.

Bam! Bam!

I don't want to ride today. Okay?

I snuck in here earlier and
I tried to get onto Hunter,

and I fell and I hurt myself.

And you were right, and
now my butt bone is so angry.

-Tailbone.
-Whatever!

This is exactly why I wanted
to finish my lessons first.

You could've been hurt a lot worse.

Look, I love your energy and enthusiasm,

but I need you to be more patient

and look before you leap.

So you see what you're leaping into?

Where's the fun in that?

Look,

I was once an impatient kid, too,

and it led to all sorts
of farm related injuries.

One time I fell off a tractor

and now this elbow can predict earthquakes.

Cool.

Actually, it is pretty cool.

But still, I don't want you to
make the same mistakes I did.

Thanks, Lou.

I promise when I make mistakes in the future,

they'll be unique and wildly unpredictable.

Close enough.

Now it's time for your next lesson.

Cleaning up after a horse.

Grab a shovel.

The big one.

Jake...

What's with all the garbage bags on the lawn?

I'm throwing all this stuff away.

I don't want to paint anymore.

Like you said, I'm a crummy artist.

Pardon my French.

Okay. We're not starting that again.

We're really sorry about what you heard,

but we didn't mean any of it.

Yeah, we only said those things to Lou,

so we wouldn't get in trouble.

Your paintings kind of showed us,
doing things we weren't supposed to do.

I was just trying to capture
the world around me.

But you don't have to worry.

It won't happen again.

I quit.

You can't quit.

You're a great artist.

We're just bad counselors.

"No, Destiny. You're not a bad counselor."

"You're great."

You guys are just trying to make me feel better.

If you don't believe us,

then how about you come out
here and take a look for yourself?

What's going on?

Everyone loves your painting so much,

they want to hang them up in the cabins.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

People really do like my art?

They love your art, and we love it, too.

So will you keep painting?

Definitely.

Maybe just give us a heads
up if you're going to paint us

in the middle of any fireable offenses?

No promises.

No, Jake; We need promises.

And flushing.

Okay. I promise.

To both.

Speaking of fireable offenses,

let's talk about my two favorite paintings.

Sacre bleu!
Damn it!

What is going on... here?

Just two dudes wearing hats and starting trends.

Yup. Nothing to see here
but our whimsical headwear,

that definitely isn't hiding anything.

Look away.

Those hats were silly.
[SNICKERS]

I want one.


♫