06x15 - The Wrath of Con

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Hey, The Marshal.

What brings you to the ranch?

Seeing how this is the
last place I ever wanna be,

I guess desperation.

[CHUCKLES]
-We always love your little pop-ins.

You see, I have a niece who stays
with me a few weeks every summer.

She just arrived yesterday,
but I have to go out of town

for a couple days and... Well,
she's always loved this ranch.

Ugh, I don't know. We're
pretty full at the moment.

-I'll pay you.
-And just like that, a bed is open.

Great! She's waiting out by the car.

You will love her. She's 'sweet as pie'.

Come on over, Marsha!

The Marshal has a niece named Marsha?

Let's just hope the similarities end there.

And they do not

Hi, guys!

Jeepers!

You folks really did change up the ranch.

Please tell me you didn't get
rid of my friends, the butterflies?

Of course not, sweetie.

The fumes from the paint
shed took most of them out.

The rest I may have wallpapered over.

Then you better get to gluing
some wings on some worms

because I am not about to break that news.

Now, y'all better make sure that
my little princess has fun here.

Don't worry. It's gonna be so much fun.

You'll end up wanting to stay at camp

the whole time you're in Dusty Tush.

Ooh! Did you hear that, Marsha?

Yes, but The Uncle, Wouldn't you you miss me?

Of course I would, pumpkin.

But your The Uncle, would never stand
in the way of you having a fun summer.

The Uncle?

The man has a lane and he's sticking to it.

I best get on the road.

Don't wanna miss the
start of the big manure expo.

Bye, Marsha.

Did he just say manure expo?

Let's just pretend he didn't.

♪ [All:] Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Destiny; Are you getting in too?

No can do; I finally got lifeguarding duty.

I need to sit here on alert, ready to
jump into action at a moment's notice.

Um, step back. You're blocking my sun.

If you can't play in the water, what's
so great about lifeguarding duty?

Maybe because it's the one job

at this ranch that doesn't have
me cleaning up animal doody

Hey! What's that in the middle of the lake?

Is one of the campers in trouble?

It's gone now, but it wasn't a camper.

It looked like it was, half fish, half human.

[GASPS] Ohh! Wait, it was a mermaid!

Jake, mermaids aren't real,
but too much sun exposure is.

No; I know what I saw.

Think about it. If there was
such a thing as mermaids,

would they hang out in our lake?

The water has the consistency of a kale smoothie.

It was a mermaid, and I'm gonna prove it.

But first...

[YELLS] Canon ball!

Yup! Kale smoothie.

Hey, Megan; What brings you to camp?

I was actually going to ask if you
wanted to have the feature table

at this year's "Tush Con".

A feature table at "Tush Con"? The "Tush Con"?

The one and only Con of Tush?

I don't think he knows what "Tush Con" is.

It's a big sci-fi and fantasy convention
that I volunteer at every year in Dusty Tush.

And you got them to agree to feature me?

Somebody's been peeking at my vision board.

I was thinking that since your movie

Dino Camp Diaries Part is coming out soon,

maybe you wouldn't mind signing some autographs.

I doubt he'll mind, considering he stapled

an autographed headshot
to his counselor application.

It's true, and I'll hook you
up with one if you want.

What are you doing? Aren't
you going to go swimming?

I'm on mermaid watch, and I'm
not leaving until I see her again.

Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.

[PLAYING WHALE NOISES]

Jake, I can't help but notice you're here.

This is for the Mermaid.

I assume whale songs are her favorite music

and quickly becoming mine.

Oh, yeah.

This part really slaps.

[MIMICS WHALE CALLS]

Uh-oh, he knows the lyrics.

Hey, Marsha;

What are you doing with that?

Oh, this? I just found it on the stairs.

Some silly must have left it there.

Well, it wasn't me. I did that
once. And now I can't wear flip flops.

[CRACKING AND SNAPPING]

Did you just cut down our chandelier?

No, but please don't be
too hard on whoever did it.

They might feel like they're backed into
a corner and then get really dangerous.

Bye!

[SIGHS WEARILY] Hey, guys.
Sorry, I haven't been around.

Someone moved the hiking trail sign

and sent kids walking straight
through the archery range.

-Was anyone hurt?
-No,

But there was one new ear piercing.
-[CHUCKLES]

Hey!

I remember that chandelier being... higher.

It was Marsha.

Really? That cute, little girl who
loves all the butterflies I slaughtered

She might be cute, but she's pure evil.

She cut down the chandelier, and I
bet she moved the hiking trail sign, too.

Gotta admit, she's pretty good.

-Winnie!
-Hey...

I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Wait. This is bad. We
should probably go find her.

Yeah, who knows where she'll strike next?

I knows.

-So how does it feel to be a big star?
-It feels amazing.

I usually never get recognized.
After my school plays,

even my grandma pretends she doesn't know me.

Oh, it's fine. She keeps me humble.

-Lou, I didn't expect to see you here.
-Are you a big sci-fi fan?

I just came down to show my support to Noah.

Wait; Is that person dressed
like Captain Fourhooks?

Lou, are you a fan of the Lady
Louella Calypso series of pirate books?

Megan, I am Lady Louella Calypso.

[GASPS] No.

Yes.

I publish my books under a
pseudonym. I'm classy like that.

Really? That's so cool!

I'm a giant Louatic.
-Louatic?

Don't take it up with me. Take it up
with my fans. Because I have fans.

Hello, everyone! Lady Louella
Calypso is here. Worship me.

Come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪] [SCOFFS]

Not a good time, Parker.

I am deep in adoration right now.

You need to get back to camp.

Things with Marsha are not good.
-[OBJECT SHATTERING]

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Marsha wants to play

How are we going to stop her?

And how have I never thought of doing this?

Please, Lou. I don't know
how long we can hold out?

I can't just stop what I'm
doing, Parker. It's too important.

Okay, let's do a silly one.

I don't think you understand...

It's one little girl, Parker. Handle it.

I'm busy becoming an Internet presence; Hey!

Winnie? Bill? We're on our own.

Backup isn't coming.

I have an idea.

Truce! Truce!

Marsha, I get you. I'm a
destruction and mayhem girl, too.

And I have a small stash of
fireworks hidden in a trough in the barn

that I've been saving for a special occasion.

Fireworks, potential mayhem? I'm listening.

If you agree to hand over the tennis ball g*n,

maybe you and I can take my
fireworks out on the lake later,

and light this place up.

What do you say?

Well, that does sound like fun.

Okay. I'm in. You guys are really nice.

Sorry, I tried to play tennis with your heads.

Bye!

You know what? Count me in, too.

Hey, call me old fashioned,
but I'm a bit of a stickler

for supervising children, and expl*sives!

Oh; Easy, Louatics. I know
you're excited to meet me,

but please remember,
those pirate hooks are pointy.

I can't believe all my fans left me for Lou.

-I'm still here.
-That doesn't really count.

I mean...
-[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Your support means everything to me.

It's Lou, go talk to her.

Or you can keep sitting here whining
and showing me a petulant side

that's making me reconsider this relationship.

Lou, a word!

Can you believe all these people?

They really appreciate my 'art'.

[APPLAUDING]

Really?

You're clapping for that low hanging fruit.

Look, I need to talk to you about "Tush Con".

Great. I really wanna talk to you and Megan too.

I wanna do a live reading of my latest book.

It's a Christmas themed pirate
adventure entitled, "Yo Ho Ho Ho!"

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, before you ask, I've
got a million more of these puns.

Listen, Lou; I really have
something I need to say.

Cool, but can it wait till after the live
reading? I'll be done with "Tush Con" after that.

You will? But "Tush Con" goes on all weekend.

Yeah, I know, but I'm planning on giving
the people what they want and leaving

while my star is still shining bright.

That's just like they say, "Go
out on top as quickly as you can"

"and never come back to "Tush Con"."

That's an oddly specific expression.

I know, but don't think about it too hard.

Here, mermaid, mermaid.
It's your new best friend, Jake.

Oh, good. We're still doing this.

Jake; Where are the rest of the kids?

I asked everyone to leave so
they wouldn't scare off the mermaid.

Mermaids are very shy.

Probably because they're not wearing pants.

Jake; If there are no campers in the lake,

then Lou isn't going to need me as a lifeguard.

And if I'm not a lifeguard, then
I'm gonna be mucking out stalls,

or slopping hogs or any of
the other ranch chores

that aren't relaxing in a chair by the lake!

I mean saving kids.

I'll be done soon. I did a
deep dive into mermaid life,

and it seems they're attracted to shiny objects.

Is that my charm bracelet?

That depends. Is it your charm bracelet?

-Yes.
-Then yes.

Jake, give it back.

[GASPS] Ah! My bracelet!

Don't worry. As soon as the
mermaid gets here, she'll get it for you.

Enough. It's time for you to stop believing

in mermaids and unicorns
and all that make believe stuff.

Just grow up. Okay?

You're right.

Maybe there are no mermaids.

I guess I just wanted to believe
there was still magic in the world.

No, Jake, come back.

Uh, let's sing whale songs together.

[MIMICKING WHALE CALLS-♫]

And, he's gone.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

[AS PIRATE] Are you all ready to hear me read?

[LAUGHING]

Sorry. That voice is just never gonna get old.

It's really nice of you to give up your table,

Figured, I'd let Lou go out with a bang.

After her reading, she'll head back to
camp, and I can get the attention I deserve.

And if I'm being honest, so desperately crave.

I was gonna read from my latest novel,

but that was before I noticed this amazing

Peghead Pete costume. I see you, Frank.

So now I'm wondering if I should read
from "Guys and the Galleons" instead,

or should I just read all of my books?

What do you think, Louatics?!

[ALL CHEERING]

What? But that will take all
weekend. There are eight of them.

Nine if you count her cookbook,
"Dead Men Don't Eat Kale".

Hey, Parker, what's wrong?

Winnie and I lost Marsha again.

Man, that girl is more
slippery than my vinyl pants.

I don't have vinyl pants.
Pretend I didn't say that.

Guys, I just checked the barn
and my fireworks stash is gone.

Wait, so Marsha is missing
and the fireworks are missing.

I don't really see a scenario, where
this doesn't reflect poorly on me.

Uh, I think I know where the fireworks are.

[SIZZLING]

Marsha's gonna blow up the mess hall.

Ugh, seriously? I really
thought I got through to her,

but she can't be tamed.

If she wasn't trying to destroy us,
I'd have so much respect for her.

[PARKER:] Ugh!

I thought you said you had a small stash.

Is that really the hill you
want to die on right now?

Oh! I know what to do.

[BLOWING]

That's your solution?

You know, Bill, criticizing the effectiveness

of my plan is certainly not the most helpful
thing that you could be doing right now!

Then come up with a better idea.
[BOTH YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH STOP]

How do you guys not know how fuses work?

Hey! You meanies stopped all
the boom-booms and bang-bangs.

Yes, because we want
to live-live, and not die-die.

Look, Marsha; No one enjoys
an expl*si*n as much as this gal.

But...

And, I'm done.

Thank you, Winnie.

Marsha, this is over.

I didn't want it to come to this,
but I am giving you a time out.

Aw, you're cute. Bye!

Yeah... Don't know why I
thought that was going to work.

"Captain Fourhooks fell to the deck,"

"exhausted from his battle with the kraken."

"Also, he tripped over his foot hooks."

"They were very difficult to walk with."

Noah.

Why are you dressed as your
character from "Dino Camp Diaries Part "?

Because this is the only way
for me to take back "Tush Con".

I don't know what you're about to do,
but I'm betting there's a better way.

It's too late.

I already put this performance on my resume.

Greetings, "Tush Con"!

Chef Reginald Cook, is here to save you
from all this pirate nonsense.

Just like I saved my camp from the dinosaurs.

Well, I actually d*ed in
the first act, but I tried.

Noah, what are you doing? And why do you look

like you just cooked dinner in outer space?

I will be re-enacting the scene

in my movie, where I used the time canoe

to stop the T-rex from
ruining the campfire sing-along.

That doesn't make any sense.
Your movie is word salad.

Says the woman who has a
character named Peghead Pete.

How can you have a peg for a head, Lou?

I don't know, man Life on
the seven seas gets weird.

Now, can you get out of here
and let me finish reading my book?

I only have pages to go.

No; You've taken up enough of "Tush Con""

The fans wanna see a sneak peek of my movie?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

And action!

Yes, I may be a classically trained chef,

but I was born to be a dinosaur hunter.

Those bloodthirsty creatures
will not reach that sing-along!

Oh, I'm putting down this mutiny.

"Captain Fourhooks watched as
the kraken sank into the briny blue"

"Peghead Pete looked on. How?"

"We don't know, since his
head was made of wood..."

Quick, we all need to the paddle the
time canoe at precisely miles an hour

to open up the time hole...

"Captain Fourhooks wept as his best friend Pete"

"succumbed to his wounds He
felt even worse when he found out"

"his name was actually Thomas."

It's just back to speed!

"To the cannons, men!"

I mean, how could I make it?

Oh, that's enough.

[SIGHS] My fans are here to see me.

You shouldn't even have fans.
You don't even like "Tush Con".

That was before I found out I was a god here.

Do you know how many
foreheads I've autographed today?

But "Tush Con", was supposed to be my time
to finally get some recognition for my acting,

and you ruined it.

I can't help it if people love my work.

Besides, there's enough fans to go around.

Right, guys?

Where'd all my foreheads go?

They didn't like your arguing,

so they're probably doing what super fans do,

complaining about you online.

You said you were coming here to support me.

How's that going, Lou?

I'll be asking for a refund of my
membership for the Louatic Fan Club.

I have a Fan Club?

Who's getting the money
from that? Because it's not me.

Goodbye, fairy dust.

Guess you were just glitter after all.

Good-bye not unicorn hair.

Okay, whose hair is this?

Goodbye clamshell with the mysterious scroll

tucked in it that I've never seen before.

Wait. What?

"Hi, Jake."

"I haven't seen you at the dock lately."

"I wanted to say goodbye
before I go back to the ocean."

[GASPS]

This is from Miss Mermaid or Mrs. Mermaid.

I couldn't tell if a Merman had put a ring on it.

I'm here, Mermaid. I'm here.

[GASPS] It's you.

I knew you were real.

Good-bye, Miss Mermaid. Enjoy the ocean.

"Bye Jake."

"Now go back to your cabin and don't look back."

"Please remember me as I am."

I will, and never forget our song.

[MAKES WHALE NOISES]

[CONTINUES MAKING NOISES]

[SCOFFS] Glad that worked.

I cannot be responsible
for crushing a kid's spirit.

Did enough of that in the pageant world.

Parker!

I got your message.

Why'd you pull me out of the manure expo?

I just bid on some Sasquatch droppings.

Makes all your crops grow
giant, but also real hairy,

so bit of a mixed bag.

Whatever happened to just saying hello?

It's about Marsha.

She's kind of been... How do I put this?

-The worst kid in the galaxy?
-Yeah, that.

I can't believe you dragged
me here for these lies.

I'm going back.

I hope I didn't miss any exciting poo.

Guys, good news.

I just opened the gate to the bullpen.

So now we get to see which
one of you is the fastest.

Marsha?

The Uncle?

It's never going to sound right.

You came? My plan worked.

I am so disappointed... [BULL BRAYING]

Uh, maybe let's settle this family dispute in

the mess hall before we all become bull kebabs!

[STAMPEDE APPROACHING]
-[BULLS BRAYING]

Marsha, why would you do all that?

You've always been the perfect child.

[SCOFFS] Not like your cousins who
can be real turd burgers sometimes.

Because I don't want to be here, okay?

-I want to spend my summer with you.
-Really?

You want to hang out with me?

Oh, my gosh, this is adorable.

I know, I'm so invested.

I'm really sorry for everything I did.

But I don't want to be here
at camp for my whole visit.

I want to spend it with you like we always do,

ironing our suit jackets and
braiding each other's ponytails,

and complaining about these kids today.

Well, Marsha,

I didn't think you'd want to spend
time with a boring old guy like me.

Are you serious? Have you seen what I'm wearing?

I'm a nine-year-old girl rocking a bow tie.

[CHUCKLES]

How about we get you out of here and
you come join me at the manure expo?

Really? I can come?

Does a Sasquatch poop in the woods?

Let's go find out at the expo!

See you, guys. Thank you.

Don't use the zipline. [CHUCKLES]

Bye.Bye.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[LOU:] Noah, can I come in? It's me.

When you say me, is it my
boss, Lady Louella Calypso,

or the person I thought was my friend

who stole all my glory and left
me wallowing in my self-doubt?

[LOU:] Uh...

I guess all of the above.

Well, none of you are welcome.

[LOU:] Noah, just open the door!

[SIGHS]

Whoa!

How did you even knock
with those tiny little T-rex arms?

I don't know.

Listen.

I'm really sorry for upstaging you at "Tush Con".

I just got so wrapped up in
all the attention I was getting

that I didn't think about how you felt

in 'there'.

I appreciate you saying
that, though I don't know why

it's coming from inside a dinosaur.

Follow me and find out.

[BOY:] Yeah!
-[ALL CHEERING]

What's going on?

I invited them all to see you
re-enact scenes from your movie.

Guess which role I'm playing.

Wow; This is amazing.

Did you help Lou do this?

Yep, but the crowd is getting restless.

It's the middle of the summer,
and I see a lot of polyester out here.

-Here's your script.
-Thank you.

Kind of odd for a dinosaur
to have dialogue, but...

I'll go with it.

How do dinosaurs read?

Don't say anything. I heard it.

Finally peace and quiet.

The lake is now open for swimming!

No.

It can't be.

[WATER SPLASHING]

[GASPS]

My bracelet?

Thank you, Mermaid.

I'm not even telling my diary about this.