06x20 - Shoe Drops and Chili Plops

[bunniefuu]

I just got a phone bill for hundreds of dollars

for a landline I didn't know we had.

Have you seen one around?

Can't say that I have.

Also, can't say that I know what a landline is.

It's a phone that's connected
by a cord to the wall.

Ah, I get it.

So you could stay in one
place to churn your butter.

Yeah, sure.

[GASPS] Wait a minute.

Here it is.

Were all old-timey phones shaped like hamburgers?

And do you text on the bun or the cheese?

There was no texting back then.

[GASPS] No texting?

This is why your generation only lives to .

[LINE RINGING-♪]

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: You
have reached Dusty Tush Bell.

There are currently two callers ahead of you.

Thank you for holding.

Your call is sort of important to us.

[♫-CHEERFUL MUSIC
PLAYING OVER LINE]

Hmm. Farm animals
and smooth jazz.

My worlds have collided.

Also, why does this phone smell like a hamburger?

ALL:
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Noah. Noah!

You're not gonna believe this.

Teddy Starr

is coming to Dusty Tush.

Teddy Starr, as in our favorite shoe designer?

The one and only.

I'm trying to decide which part
of my body I want to get signed.

I'm leaning towards my face.

But, like, you wouldn't
scribble on the Mona Lisa.

You guys have a favorite shoe designer?

Yeah, don't you?

No. I mean,

I have a favorite button designer

and favorite zipper designer,

but shoes?

That's just weird.

Teddy Starr is doing an exclusive shoe drop

in Dusty Tush.

Big deal.

I drop my shoes here all the time.

Dropped them in the lake just the other day.

Where's my party?

Jake,

a shoe drop is when a designer

reveals their sneakers to the
world for the first time.

But he always does his drops in big cities

like New York or LA.

Why Dusty Tush?
Did he get lost?

Who cares?

Maybe he just likes towns named after butts,

and we barely b*at out Chunky Bottoms, Idaho.

I'll come with you guys.

I'm still fuzzy on what's happening

and a visual might help.

Now, where are my shoes?

Oh, right.

Still in the lake.

Hey, Destiny.

I hope your taste buds are ready for a treat.

My taste buds d*ed four summers ago

and are buried in a shallow
grave in the woods of Maine

but I'll give it a try.

Oh, wow. What is this?

That's a bowl of famous Pickett chili.

It's been handed down in
my family for generations.

To clarify, do you mean the recipe has

been handed down for generations

or this exact bowl of chili?

The recipe.

It's my first time making it.

Uh-oh.

I didn't mess it up, did I?

Well, the truth is...[SIGHS]

It's so good.
You did such a good job.

But, question.

Does it always taste this...

[CLEARS THROAT]

...flavorful?

Not sure. It was scolding
hot when I tried it

and it b*rned my taste buds off.

Now I can't taste anything.

Kind of a blessing at this camp.

But anyone worthy of the Pickett name

can make a mean bowl of this chili.

[CHUCKLING] Don't think you can get much meaner.

Or more sour?

That settles it.

I'm going to enter it into
the Dusty Tush chili cook-off.

Uh, what? Is that
where we were going?

Thanks for encouraging me to do this, Destiny.

I did do that, didn't I?

Oopsies.

Hey, Lou. Can you help me
with something special

I'm planning for campfire tonight?

I'd ask Destiny, but she's locked in the bathroom

determined to
"get the chili out."

I'd love to help, but

I'm still on hold to cancel this landline.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Howdy hoo,
this is Sally Sue. How can I help you?

A real human voice!

I've been on hold for over an hour.

You seem busy.

I'll find the cattle prods on my own.

Yeah, sounds good.
Have fun.

Hey, Sally Sue.

I would love to cancel this landline.

Oh, I wish I could help you, sweetie,

but this is the upgrades department.

While I have you, would you
like to get a second line

for the low, low price of $ a month?

I want no lines for zero dollars a month.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I'm not sure if I should be speaking

into the beef or the cheddar.

All righty, then, I'll just
transfer you to cancellations.

One moment.

No, no. Can't you just help...

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: There
are currently callers ahead of you.

No.

Wait, did Winnie just say "cattle prods"?

Hello, Jake.

Hello, Jake's unnecessary umbrella.

I'm protecting myself from the shoe drop.

What if they're cleats?

Sync your hands up, Dusty Tush!

Teddy Starr is in your presence!

Okay, stop clapping.

Dude, I'm so happy.

And I am so jealous of all of you.

The biggest regret of my life
is not being lucky enough

to meet... [GASPS]

...myself.

It's easy.
Just buy a mirror.

Now, why is world-famous Teddy Starr in Wyoming

blessing you with his latest creation?

I don't know.
We're not worthy.

Correct.

But my marketing team said I
lost touch with the common man

after I made my last shoe out of solid gold.

Apparently, the common man
likes to be able to walk.

We're weirdos.
Forgive us.

Now,

allow Teddy Starr to present
the greatest innovation

in fashion-forward footwear,

the ultra-exclusive TS- .

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Shoelaces sold separately.

Good heavens.
They're glorious.

Now twist.

I'm only giving away two of these TS- s.

If you want them,

you must compete against each other

to show Teddy Starr who his biggest fans are.

Clap now.

Dude, we have to win those shoes.

Or, pitch on your pitch,

we leave here with our self-esteem intact.

Nah, I think what you think.
Self-esteem is overrated.

Hey, Destiny.
You ready for seconds?

Oh, wow! You made
so much more.

Of course. The Pickett
family chili recipe

has won every contest it's ever been in.

Just like you Destiny.

Please don't compare me to it.

It's just that taste is so subjective.

Clearly, I love it.

But I'm not a judge in the chili cook-off.

Destiny Baker, you're gonna be
a judge in the chili cook-off.

No! Yes!

I'm sorry, The Marshal,

what are you talking about?

Well, as the reigning rodeo queen,

being a judge is one of your duties.

Lest you thought it was all fun stuff like

tiaras and stoplight unveilings.

At least one of the judges will love my chili.

Who?

Oh, right. Me. Yes. Correct.

Whoever thought "Mary had a Little Lamb"

was a good choice for hold music should be thrown

in front of the stabbiest farm equipment we own.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Howdy hoo,
this Sally Sue. How can I help you?

Sally Sue?

From upgrades?

I thought you transferred me

to cancellations two hours ago.

I handle both departments, dear.

I was doing upgrades before my lunch break,

and now I'm doing cancellations.

I'm living proof you can have it all.

So you took a break and put me on hold

when you could have just canceled my line before?

Sweetie, how could I cancel your line

when I was in upgrade?

But you're not listening.

I'm not listening?

You're not listening.

I demand that you cancel my landline right now.

Well, I do not appreciate your tone.

Sounds like someone could
use a few more rounds of

"Mary had a Little Lamb" to cool their jets.

No, no, no, no.
Do not put me back on...

["MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"
PLAYING]

Sally Sue!

Lou, is everything okay?

Who's Sally Sue?

Quite possibly the devil.

Do you have a second to give me some advice?

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: There
are currently callers ahead of you.

Yeah, I've got time.

So Bill wants to enter the worst chili

I've ever tasted in the Dusty Tush cook-off.

Well, if you really think it's that bad,

you should just tell him the truth.

It's the right thing to do.

Of course it's the right thing to do.

I was hoping you would tell me
the easy thing to do.

That's why I came to you.
The woman who

"borrows all of
our electricity."

Destiny, shush. This
call is being recorded

for quality assurance purposes.

I know.

I'll bring a pot of good chili to the cook-off

and swap it with his.

So that he can just be embarrassed by his chili

at some other time in the future?

Exactly.

Hopefully by someone less afraid of conflict.

You get it.

By the way,

do you know what Winnie's planning for campfire?

No idea.

I wonder if it has anything to do with that

beehive and bear trap I saw her with.

Someone should really look into that.

Said her counselor!

Riffraff of Dusty Tush, it is time to find out

who is the biggest Teddy Starr fanatic.

Other than me, of course.

Huge fan.

How will he decide that?

Maybe a fun game of shoe trivia?

Or maybe who best rocks a classic pair of TS- s?

It's the banana pants challenge!

Not even close. Not even close.

The two contestants must fit
a whole pile of bananas

into their pants,

then deliver a bowl of banana pudding to me

across the street

without leaving any pants bananas behind.

This is bonkers.

Is this the world I gave up video games for?

Now who will be Teddy Starr's first victim?

CAMPERS: Me! Let's see. You.

He picked me.
I can't believe it.

And lucky for me, I wore my stretchiest joggers.

So whoever I'm up against should be very scared.

And you, super-duper baggy pants guy.

Oh, come on!

It doesn't matter.

Just think about the shoes and get to stuffing.

You better watch out.

I eat bananas for breakfast.

With a little bit of peanut butter.

Ready, Teddy, go!

If you think you're winning this competition,

you're bananas!

Teddy Starr does not appreciate puns.

Teddy Starr thinks they're lowbrow.

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

You are the winner

and we'll be moving on to the next round.

I won! And yet,

somehow standing here with pants full of bananas,

I feel like I lost something important.

In the case of
McBride v. Clarabell,

it is this court's opinion,

that your defense is pure poppycock.

And that cow did not tip herself.

Guilty.

And may the farming community
have mercy on your soul.

And now for the next item on the docket,

the Dusty Tush chili cook-off.

So many questions running through my mind but

mostly why is the cook-off in a courtroom?

This is where I like to do my judging.

And we couldn't have it
at the rec center next door.

That's where they're holding the long distance

frog jumping championships.

Of course they are.

sh**t, uh...

Hey, Destiny.

Or should I say, Judge Baker,

number one fan of the
Pickett family chili recipe.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] You could, but you shouldn't.

I better go scope out my competition.

I saw one kid carrying a bag of oyster crackers.

Things are gonna get brutal.

Sorry, Bill, but this is for your own good.

And everyone else's colon health.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER][GLASS BREAKING]

[CROAKING]

Well, hot dang. That looks
like a new town record.

Teddy Starr is pleased with
the lengths you Dusty Tushians

will go to for his sneakers.

And so Teddy Starr has another
fun competition for

you in the pink plaid

and you.

Yes, I'll do anything, Teddy, anything.

I present, the snake box challenge.

Nope. I'm out.

Whoever stays inside longest, wins.

Come on, Noah, think about the shoes.

I'm a little busy thinking about the snakes.

You're not gonna do this, are you?

Well, he did it.

Parker. I'm kind
of freaking out.

Come over here and talk to me about those shoes.

Tell me how good I'm gonna look.

Come on. Noah,
you can do it. I did it.

It's not the same thing, banana pants!

How long do I have to be in here for?

Hey, where'd the other contestant go?

The snake pulled her down.

She's probably being digested as we speak.

What?

Kidding. She quit.
You win.

I would like

out of this box now!

So I know I'm supposed to be impartial, but

your chili smells amazing.

I don't know.

Something seems wrong with it.

Watch.

See. This chili
pours so smooth.

My chili plops into a bowl.

[SNIFFS] And where's that burning tire smell?

Bill, relax.

This has to be your chili.

I mean, what could have possibly happened to it?

I'm kidding. Don't
think about it too hard.

I think one of these other yahoos heard

how good the famous Pickett recipe was

and swapped mine out for bad chili.

You're being paranoid.

And you can't make wild
accusations without proof.

Hey, I found a pot of chili under my desk

in the judge's chambers.

Oh, look at that.

Proof.

Let me see.

Thick, chunky and pools
of weirdly-colored oil on top.

We're back in business!

Why do I smell burning tires?

It's best to breathe through your mouth.

Man, I really should've used the bathroom

before I got on a three-hour phone call..

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

I don't know who you are
or what you do at this camp,

but you are fired.

Hey, Lou. Where do we
keep the ethanol?

What? We don't
have ethanol.

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: You
have chosenespanol. Gracias.

No, not espanol.

I'll just use the propane t*nk.

Hey, what do you need propane for?

[GRUNTS]

Stop taking advantage of the fact

that I am stuck to a hamburger.

Look, it's Parker.

He made it back from the cave with the flag.

Where's the other competitor?

He took off when the bear got close.

How close?

Uh, this close.

Well, on the bright side, it
looks like she got rid of that

troublesome mole.

Congratulations.

We are now down to the top two fans

in all of Dusty Butt.

Tush. Like it matters.

We did it.

We're each getting a pair of Teddy Starrs.

Second twist.

Teddy Starr never said he was
giving away two pairs,

just two shoes.

Wordplay. Now that's
highbrow stuff.

Wait, you're only giving away one pair.

Which one of us gets them?

Whoever wants it more.

So Parker and I will have to battle?

Each other?

Yes.

Two men enter, one man lives.

Only one man lives?

No. It just sounded better
than two men enter,

one man gets shoes,

but still,

it's gonna get spicy.

All right, folks, it's chili tasting time.

I gave my stomach

a cornbread base before I got here,

so I am ready to party.

Oh, can I go first?

You're going to die when you taste my chili.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
He's not wrong.

Okay, cowboy, ladle up some bowls.

[CHILI SQUELCHING]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Well, that looks unnatural.

Hold on to your taste buds.

Another frog! Incoming!

What? Where?

[CLATTERING]

Oh, no!

While we were all looking
for that very real frog,

a jealous contestant

must have come by and done this.

Oh, confounded, all!

Actually, not a drop of chili spilled

due to its gelatinous nature.

Yay. Mine is fine too.

Allow me.

Here goes the airplane into the hangar...

Hey, I will fly my own plane,

thank you very much.

[MIMICS AIRPLANE BUZZING]

No!

Hey, you just crashed my plane!

I can't let you eat this chili.

What are you doing, Destiny?

Bill, I'm sorry, your recipe is terrible.

Like, really terrible.

It tastes like a boiled diaper.

When did you eat a boiled diaper?

Oh, I'm sure she's just exaggerating.

She is not.

Oh!
[GROANS]

This does not want to be inside of me.

You think my chili is terrible?

Thanks for the heads-up

before I embarrass myself in front of everyone.

Wait, Bill.

Is this chili or cement?

For our final competition,

we will now decide who gets my new TS- s

the same way my brother and I

used to decide who gets the remote control.

Measured conversation?

Tricycle jousting.

You guys can't do this.

We've come too far to quit now.

Agreed.

It couldn't have ended any other way.

It literally could

and should have ended any other way.

Now, joust for Teddy Starr.

Ready! Teddy! Go!

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORN TOOTING]

[INTENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[YELLING]

I don't want to hurt you.

I don't want to hurt you either.

Yes!

Jake, you were right.

TEDDY: Are you serious?

The only thing that makes coming to this

nothing town worth it, is forcing you people

to embarrass yourselves for my shoes.

My friends are done
humiliating themselves for you

and your super-ugly shoes.

[ALL GASP]

Did you just call Teddy Starr's shoes ugly?

Jake, they're not ugly, they're fresh

and unique and...

Actually, yeah, really ugly.

Yeah.

The worst. Is that used
chewing gum on the heel?

Chris Pratt's used chewing gum.

And now that I'm saying that out loud,

I realize these shoes are ugly.

Why didn't anyone tell me
these shoes were a sticky,

minty mess before I made them?

Probably because they were scared

you'd put them in a snake box.

You are so right.
That is my move.

I am so sorry I put you all

through this ridiculous contest.

But you three made me see
that if I want to get back

to being a great shoe designer,

I have to redesign... in here.

That's the spirit, Teddy Starr.

Oh, that's another thing I need to change.

Starting now,

I'm going to go by my birth name,

Herschel Dweebleton.

I mean, you ain't got to change everything.

Bill, I'm sorry for lying
to you about your recipe.

I should've just been honest
about how your chili tasted.

It's okay.

I'm actually more upset

that I failed at such a simple tradition.

If I can't even follow a recipe, what's next?

Going to the family hoedown

and square dancing in a circle?

How about you show me the recipe?

We'll make a new batch together.

Wait. You do realize this page
has two recipes on it, right?

It does?

The one on top is the award winner.

The one below it is a recipe
for Pickett Family hog slop.

Oh! So that's why it asked

for eight rotten apples
and a pound of grub worms.

If you need me, I'll be in
the bathroom for... ever.

Can't... wait... much longer.

WINNIE: Who is ready
to blow up this campfire?

No, no, no, no, no.
Do not blow up my camp!

[GRUNTS]

There's enough cord here to leave the mess hall.

Huh. That would've been
a useful discovery...

...seven hours ago!

Winnie, whatever you're about to do, stop!

[STRUMS GUITAR]

You don't want me to play my new song?

Wow, Lou, I thought you were
a supporter of the arts.

Wait. That's what
you've been planning? A song?

What about the bear traps and the cattle prods

and the propane tanks?

Luckily, I got back to camp

just in time to stop her
from doing anything dangerous.

Because I'm a responsible adult.

Where were you, Lou?

Don't.

Wow, Bill, this is really good.

Thanks, Destiny.

Whoever wants some Pickett family chili,

come line up.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Howdy hoo,
this is Sally Sue. How can I help you?

Oh, yes. Finally.

We've got spicy and mild.

So let's get a second line going.

Copy that. We'll install

a second line at your service address.

Thanks for your business, toodle-oo.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Great news, everyone, we have a landline.

What's a landline?

It's for churning butter.