02x02 - The Real Deal

[bunniefuu]

CARRIE: "Therapy For
Today is a convenient way

to make sure you're
getting the help you need.

After all, mental health,

it's something you do for you.

Promo code: ZoomShrink@SexAndTheCity."

Done. And the last one. Sammi?

- [SAMMI OVER INTERCOM]: Ready.
- Mm.

"This is for all my
listeners with a vag*na.

Ever feel not quite right down there?"

[CHUCKLES] Okay. Uh, I'm
feeling not quite right up here.

- [CHUCKLES] What is this?
- It's an ad for a vaginal wellness product.

- Yeah, no, I got that part right away.
- Did you? [CHUCKLES]

But, uh... "Down there"?

W... Eh... Why is it underlined?

What, just to make it
more awkward and obvious?

Well, mission accomplished.

W... Oh, my God.

"But with our vaginal
odor suppositories... "

I have spent my entire life
going out of my way to never

say the word "suppository."

And now, it's coupled with "vag*na."

- Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Certainly is.

Oh, my God, again.

"Promo code: VagAndTheCity."

- Come... I can't.
- I'll let 'em know.

- Okay, thank you.
- Let's just do the show.

- Let's do the show.
- Yeah.

["GOODIES" BY DILLON FRANCIS PLAYING]

♪ Got you all hot and bothered ♪

♪ Mad 'cause I talk about it ♪

♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪

♪ Bet you thought about it ♪

- Ready to be blown?
- Am I ever.

♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪

How is your romance? How is your man?

Turns out, not my man.

Done. Finito. Too many red flags.

You're always finding red flags.

This one this, that one that.

He still lives with his ex-wife.

Do you know how many mens I dated

who still lives with their wives?

- You are too picky.
- I have my standards.

Listen to you. Standards.

You sit in my chairs for years

with your red flags and standards.

No wonder you're still alone.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Oh. Dios mio.

- JUAN JOSE: I am not done.
- I am... Forever.

I pay you to blow me, not shrink me.

[HAIRDRYER BLOWS]

[MOANING]

[GIGGLES, MOANS]

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [CHE MOANING]

Ah, sh*t. [SIGHS] That's
my show-writer calling.

- I have to take this.
- I'm doin' some of my best work here.

Well, go to the head of the class.

Uh...

[EXHALES] Good morning, BD.

Oh, is it?

'Cause the network hates the new pages.

Can you be here by ?

- Um, okay, in an hour? Oh!
- No, o'clock tonight.

Okay, well, um, [CHUCKLES]
do, do you have any other time?

No, 'cause today's therapy
day and my parents are here.

Not coincidental.

- [GASPS] Oh, sh*t!
- Precisely.

- So you gonna be here?
- I guess I can make it.

This isn't a favor.
It's your f*cking job!

[GASPS] Okay, um, that was so not cool.

[LAUGHS] It was hot,
but it was not cool.

I'll take hot.

Um, okay. Wait. No, no. Oh, God.

I need, I need to meet with this writer.

I am so sorry.

Will you be okay all day?

Don't worry about me.

I'll just find someone else
to practice giving head to.

Trust. I don't wanna leave,

but... this, this is important.

The script is getting
so cute it's turning into

"You're a Good q*eer, Charlie Brown."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It's so weird.

The writer can't seem to wrap their
head around my few realism notes,

but can wrap their head around
Tony Danza as my Mexican father.

I... [LAUGHS]

Till next time, I'm Carrie Bradshaw

and this is "Sex and the City."

[FRANKLYN OVER INTERCOM]: Great!

I'm pregnant, I have to pee,
and I only have a minute.

Why won't you talk about your vag*na?

Oh, for so many reasons.

And to be clear, it's not my vag*na.

It's everyone's vag*na.

- And hello.
- Hello, diva.

I am not a diva. I did the
therapy, I did the eyelashes.

I held up that vegan purse on Instagram.

My other purses still won't speak to me.

- Hey, what's up, Chloe?
- CHLOE: Oh, just trying to save

this flaming Viking ship from sinking.

Would you tell your star it is
not the podcast heyday of ?

- This sh*t is drying up.
- We're just looking to have

a conversation about that one ad.

When I gave the vaginal
wellness commercial

to the guy who does the car podcast,

do you know what he said?

"This is inappropriate, Chloe"?

On air, he said, "My wife
suffers from vaginal dryness,"

and he's not even married.

- Dude is here for us.
- I am, I am here for us,

but... n-no one, no human
being speaks like that.

Well, then rewrite the fucker.

Pretend like you're
talking to your girlfriends.

Put it in your own diva words.

Just hit the pH balance b*llet points.

- Hi Chloe.
- CHLOE: Not now.

Gonna talk to her. Don't worry.

Hey, I'll, I'll hold up
the vegan purse again.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Thank you... Ooh, gosh.

If Mommy drops this cake,

we'll just turn around
and never come back.

[GABBY LAUGHS]

- Hey.
- It's : and my mother arrives in minutes,

and... Gabby can't
greet her with that hair.

Which is natural and beautiful.

It is. Of course, it is.

It's just Nana prefers it a certain way.

Right, baby? Mwah!

- Nana likes "proper little lady" hair.
- That's right.

Well, we have minutes till
Eunice and minutes of hair.

[SHARP SIGH]

Why can't I wear some
of Mom's hair over there?

That's for when you grow up.

Thank you for your patience, Gabrielle,

but this kind of stuff
is very important to Nana.

When she was a little girl
growin' up in North Carolina,

how you presented
yourself was everything.

We have minutes. Please pick it up.

You pick it up. I'm
k*lling it over here.

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh, God, let's go, let's go.
- Come on.

No! [MUTTERING]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'm trying to go, baby!

- Put it on!
- I'm going!

♪ ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Nana!
- Mother!

Eunice!

Gabrielle, you look perfect!

I see you just returned from your

matinee performance in "The Lion King."

Yes... and it was a
very good show today.

EUNICE: Mm-hmm.

[GABBY CHUCKLES]

LISA: Uh... Okay, go ahead.

♪ ♪

- CHARLOTTE: Harry, stop picking.
- HARRY: Just one olive.

So, Mom, Dad, I have a request.

What can the York-Goldenblatt
ATM do for you today?

- I need an electric keyboard.
- Please say no.

- Honey, you have a Steinway.
- I'm taking my music in a new direction.

- I'm writing songs.
- ROCK: Parents, I beg you,

for the sake of all of us, say no.

Rock, stop. All last year

I supported you realizing who you were.

- You did. f*ck!
- BOTH: Hey!

- Hey.
- Sorry, I'm just frustrated

that I can't say any more shady things.

Seriously, I need the Nord

and a better audio interface.

I don't know what any of that means,

but here's my translation:

Record on your phone
like everybody else.

I'm not everybody else.

- I'm a serious artist.
- Oh, my God.

Honey, you have a job
playing for classes at ABT,

so just save up.

That'll take forever.

I have something that I need to say now.

So do we. You're on
your own, kid, right?

- Am I right?
- Yes, yes! Right.

You want it, you find a way.

That'll work.

Nya, come on, you have to admit

that call last week was crazy.

I'll admit I had too much to drink

and it was a... little crazy,

and you admit that you were playing
with fire in your motel room.

Nothin' happened.

[NYA ON PHONE]: I could smell
the sex through the phone.

Come on, I copped to crazy.

I didn't finish my sentence.

- Yet.
- Yet?

[ANDRE RASHAD ON PHONE]:
Nothin' happened yet.

I see.

- Do you want it to?
- Sometimes.

Most times, I want us to work out.

Do you have a plan for
how that's gonna happen?

I do.

A surrogate.

- Nya? Baby, are you there?
- [NYA SIGHS]

Thanks, Frank. Are there
any visitors from out of town

who would like to identify?

Hi, I'm, uh, Miranda,
and I'm an alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Miranda.

I'm, uh, new to A.A. and L.A.

and I don't have a lot to fill
my days with while I'm out here,

so I'm really grateful
for these meetings.

- DON: Welcome.
- Thanks.

DON: So, does anybody have a topic?

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I have not seen a pair of virgin
arms like yours in, like, forever.

[CHUCKLES]

Seems like you're almost out of space,

so, yes, I do rent.

I'm Allie. Yeah, filling the days

was hard for me too when I first quit,

but I'm volunteering to
clean the beach on Friday.

- Offer's open.
- W... with like an environmental group?

One of my many, yeah.

My husband calls me an "actor-vist."

- [LAUGHING]
- I can pick you up.

Oh, that'd be great. Thanks, Allie.

So, how are you feeling
about the breakup?

Awful. Juan Jose was
my longest relationship.

Ten years of blowouts and confidences.

He's heard it all.

- I meant you and Zed.
- Oh, sh*t.

That says a lot.

All right, let's uncurl the blowout
breakup, if it's not too painful.

Well, it is still a little fresh,

but he accused me of bailing out on

all my relationships too soon.

He said I make up red
flags just to get out,

and that's why I'm alone?

- He said that to you?
- Actually, he screamed it out in his salon.

Do I bail out too quickly?

Well, I don't know
about your relationships,

but we have left a lotta
host stands pretty quickly.

Yeah, I don't stay
longer than minutes.

Look, I do the same thing.

I look for or find,

you know, reasons not to
move forward if I'm not %.

When I was single, I
almost rented a house

in The Hamptons six times,

but I always found a reason not to.

- Was that reason always
Bethenny Frankel? - Ha-ha.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- BARTENDER: Here you go.

[INHALES] Okay, let's get real.

And by real, I mean real estate.

Do you know anyone
else who still lives...

- With someone they're married to?
- Mm.

- Yes.
- Okay, so, Zed's not the only one...

Right.

But I think he may be a mooch.

- Hm?
- He told his ex-wife to pick up the lunch check.

I just got a feeling, like
an uncomfortable feeling.

Well, if you're uncomfortable,
you're uncomfortable.

It's like me with the
vag*na podcast commercial.

- Okay, not at all, but go on.
- Okay.

I'm just not...

comfortable pitching a
vaginal wellness product.

Ya know? It's just... not in my nature.

- So, I got out of it.
- Juan Jose might say

you should work through those feelings.

[LAUGHS] Juan Jose would scream it.

[SINGS]
♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪

♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪

Ah, ah! Did you not
see the recording sign?

- Calm down. I'm just grabbing my charger.
- [LILY SIGHS]

Lily, you have that new keyboard.

This is not smart parenting.

I'm gonna k*ll your father.

Well, that's not smart parenting either

because now you're in
prison and we're alone.

Daddy didn't give me the money.

I sold some of my clothes.

I'm sorry... what?

Well, you said to get it myself,

so I called The Real Deal,

and they came over and
went through my closet.

Wait... the Real Real was here?

No, no, no, The Real
Deal. It's way better.

Oh, my God.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

[RICHARD BURTON WHINES]

It's like The Real Real,

but they're fast, sneaky,
and they pay in cash.

You know, like a drug deal.

Yeah, how many drug deals
have you seen go down?

This is serious.

I can't believe that
Lily's perfect pink Chanel,

the dress I chose for her
first grown-up piano recital,

is just out there online.

[GASPS] On sale!

This is blasphemy.

I think that's Lagerfeld's
last collection.

In a few years, it will
be worth three times that.

Four. I am furious!

- Can I sue?
- Your daughter?

No, them. The Real Deal.
They broke into our home.

Char, there was no crowbar,
there was no forced entry.

They had to be invited
in, like vampires.

She is a minor.

They took advantage,
and they took my Chanel.

- Uh, excuse me, hi.
- Yes?

This iced tea isn't cuttin' it.

Can I get a vodka tonic with a straw?

And a drink for this one, too.

SERVER: Coming right up.

Why the day drinking, you might ask?

I never ask.

My mother-in-law and
her sorority sisters

are coming over for afternoon tea,

and she's the president

of the "comments that
cut like a Kn*fe" chapter.

[SIGHS] I'm just so surprised at Lily.

- It was a gift.
- Yes.

- A gift she returned...
- Aw.

... for something she wanted more.

Like I did with that pinky
ring you gave me for my th.

- You returned the pinky ring?
- What am I, a mob boss?

But... it had that
pretty little ruby chip.

Yes. Oddly feminine for a man's ring.

Who's it for, one of
the [LISPS] Sopranos?

[SIGHS] I remember how the little strap

just fell off Lily's shoulder

just as she was finishing
her "Prelude No. in C."

Question: Is this guy hot
enough to be one of my Hotfellas?

[COUGHS] Oh! Yes.

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

Hurry, Daddy, get a cab! We
don't wanna miss the waltz.

Okay. Taxi!

- I wish we were going to hip-hop class.
- [GABBY LAUGHS]

Oh, Daddy! Daddy, here comes one!

- Yep.
- Aren't they supposed to stop if their light is on?

We'll get one, baby. It's okay.

Taxi! Yo!

This never happens when
we're with Claire's daddy.

Ladies, meet me on the corner, okay?

Taxi!

Sir.

'Scuse me, sir. You wanna...

Sir?

This is illegal, so unlock the door

or I'll report you.

Hey!

Hello!

- Yeah, you better go!
- SORORITY SISTER: Is that your Herbert?!

- Certainly not. Let's go up rd, okay?
- [GROUP MURMURING]

Hi, Nana! Nana!

[FRANKLYN BREATHES DEEPLY]

Uh...

that's not a cooking show.

No... I'm downloading Final Draft.

- The least sexy sentence ever spoken after sex.
- [FRANKLYN CHUCKLES]

I bought it so we could
rewrite that vag*na copy.

The second least sexy sentence.

I thought you talked to Chloe,

and she was okay about it.

Yeah, she was, but
then she circled back.

[GROANS] Hate when people circle back.

Ugh.

You wear glasses?

- Just when I read.
- Huh.

You know, we don't have
to use that version.

Just, you know, put it in
your own voice. Are you ready?

Throw out some phrases you might
say that would apply to this.

Um... humiliated, mortified, wanna die?

- I'll start.
- Okay.

How's, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

"Ladies, when I go out for a
night on the town, sometime... "

- Pardon?
- I'm just spit-balling here.

[LAUGHS] "A night on the town"?

Who's doing the talking,
Dorothy Parker's vag*na?

[LAUGHS] Well, Carrie, I don't have one.

I'm not supposed to know
how to talk about it.

Well...

Uh, okay... [SIGHS] let's
have some fun with it.

What if you call it a "vajayjay"?

Well, I would, but I don't
want people to think that

the podcast is a rerun from the s.

[CHUCKLES] Come on. You're the writer.

We're here. Let's do this thing.

All right, fine. But "here"
is where we usually don't work.

"Here" is where we
usually watch "Beef Grill."

Hm.

- Okay, I got something.
- Hm?

"It'll take you from
dry to wet-ass p*ssy."

- [LAUGHS] What?
- It's more current.

It's Cardi B and, and
Megan Thee Stallion.

Well, I'm Carrie B,

and I don't speak like that,

so Megan Thee End.

[QUIET CHEWING]

This is a lovely dinner.

Sorry. I gotta find a new
Hotfella. Kevin has Hep C.

And still no response
from The Real Deal,

or should I say The Real
Steal's, corporate office.

- Oy.
- I second that "oy."

Oh, my God! The dress just
dropped another hundred dollars.

Why don't you just walk over
there and buy the fucker back?

Because then they win!

No, most of Lily's good pieces are gone.

Sold. No hope.

I want them to return this dress

with an acknowledgment that
what they did was wrong.

Good luck. I'm still waitin'

for any acknowledgment from my mother

and she's been dead years.

- [ANTHONY CHUCKLES]
- Anthony.

- Anthony!
- What?

How would you feel if
someone stole your beloved

Hotfella's sourdough recipe
and sold it for cheap online?

I would cut them from tongue to taint.

Thank you.

Okay, people. Lily requests
your presence at the piano,

and because I am trapped

into supporting her,
I will be there, too.

- Should I open another bottle of red?
- No, sweetie, no.

Showtime.

[SINGS] ♪ I am not not the same ♪

♪ Caught inside this gilded cage ♪

♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪

♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪

♪ Park Avenue streets,
where do they lead ♪

♪ Stuck in the deep, g*dd*mn ♪

♪ The power of privilege ♪

Should've opened that second bottle.

♪ No reason or rhyme,
lost in the climb ♪

♪ Livin' a life confined,
the power of privilege ♪

Who is she, Lily Eilish?

- [ROCK LAUGHS]
- ♪ 'Cause I always have to be ♪

♪ The good girl, I'm a good girl ♪

♪ No, I'm not allowed to be me ♪

♪ I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl ♪

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Go back to bed, Gabby.
This is Mommy/Daddy time.

Actually, it's Mother time.

Oh, Mother...

Is the electric teapot
giving you trouble again?

I can make you a cup.

I think it's you who needs a cup.

Preferably chamomile.

What was that display all about today?

If those ladies weren't all
half-blind with cataracts,

I'd be mortified.

Imagine my horror seeing my son,

the pride of Morehouse and of Harvard,

pounding on the hood
of a taxicab like some

deranged squeegee man demanding a tip.

What happened? What did I miss?

I pounded on the hood of a cab one time

because that man

- saw your daughter and I standing there...
- It's irrelevant!

We never surrender our dignity.

Your grandfather faced
the brickbats of Selma

without ever loosening his tie.

Wexleys win by winning.

Didn't the Emancipation
Proclamation free us

from head wraps?

Oh, God.

- [HERBERT SIGHS]
- [DOOR SHUTS]

This isn't like you. [SLIGHT CHUCKLE]

- And in front of Gabby?
- I did it because she was standin' right there.

To look at her tiny, little face,

confused because her Daddy
couldn't manage to get a taxicab?

I never thought I'd say these words,

- but your mother is right.
- [SCOFFS]

You know the rules.

When we go off, they win.

So you have to keep it in check.

Because if you pound on the wrong car

and they take you away...

she's gonna find a way to blame me.

[CHUCKLING] Okay?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Thank you so much. Thank you.

You've been awesome. Thank you.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Now, listen, before
I leave here tonight,

I just wanna, I just wanna take a moment

to introduce a very
special guest here tonight.

Playing my dad on my new pilot,

the one and only, TV legend Tony Danza!

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

I know what you're all thinking.

Too hot to play anyone's father.

Tony, come on up here.

- Come on up here.
- You can't stand here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me. You're in the way. Hello.

Oh. I-I'm sorry.

Tony Danza!

Yeah!

[DISTANT CARS HONKING]

- Okay, I got something.
- [PHONE RINGING]

Ooh. Saved by the bell.

Oh, I gotta take this,
it's my friend in L.A.,

but truthfully, I'd take a
robocall to get outta this.

[FRANKLYN CHUCKLES]

Hello?

MIRANDA: Hey! What're you up to?

Oh, you know...

writing a commercial for
a... line of vaginal products.

Why? Are your books not selling?

Ha. No, Franklyn and I have
to do it for the podcast.

Hey, listen, I have a
question: As a friend...

how do you phrase it when
you have trouble down there?

I don't know. I have nothing
but good news down there.

How does that help me?

- Ugh, I don't know what happened.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

I kissed a guy in an elevator
and now I'm part of a filthy

Tracy/Hepburn writing team.

Yeah, I didn't think
you could do just sex.

Well, now it's sex with homework.

[GASPS] Oh, Carrie, I have to hang up.

Tony Danza's comin' right at me.

I get it, you're fancy. All right. Bye.

Bye.

- Hi.
- Miranda, this is Tony.

- Tony, this is Miranda.
- Hello, Miranda.

Such a pleasure to meet
Che's significant person.

Hi... Oh, I'm thrilled to meet you.

[CHUCKLES] Well, then, you
know I was just saying to Che,

we should, we should have
dinner tomorrow night, huh?

The three of us? What do ya say?

- You're the boss.
- [LAUGHS] Cute, cute. She's cute.

- It is "she," right?
- She!

Yeah, okay. See? I'm two for two.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

- So, I circled back to Chloe on her circle back.
- And?

And she's making it seem like

this is a dealbreaker
for "Sex and the City."

- [CARRIE GROANS]
- So, uh, I bolded the important b*llet points.

- Let's give it another sh*t.
- Mm. No, let's not.

I appreciate your zeal but [INHALES]

I think my vag*na has to
write its own monologue.

Thank God.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, if you need any help,
I got a ton of great ideas.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, my God. Who did this to you?

EZ Blow on th Street.

Juan Jose, you made your
point. I got back with Zed.

Look, I'm not gonna
beg. Do you want this

top-of-the-line tequila
and my apology or not?

Why are you apologizing for?

For taking what you said too personally.

I know you meant well.

Not necessarily. I blow hot and cold.

I told this one not to have kids,

I told that one her bangs were bad,

and I told that one
to please get a lipo.

No one's listening, but I
was right about the bangs.

Abdal, Kiki's gonna finish you.

Seema is back. She's my number one.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Oy. Qué es esto?

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[METAL DETECTOR BEEPS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Nya, I can't talk now. I'm
saving the planet. You're welcome.

Well, I'm saving myself

by de-Andre-fying my
apartment and my life.

Sayonara, tacky-ass Japanese lantern

he bought in a Tokyo airport in !

You're getting rid of Andre Rashad?

No, he got rid of himself.

He told me he hasn't cheated on me yet.

And then, after our many conversations

about my complicated feelings
about having a baby...

he suggests a surrogate.

A surrogate! Miranda!

He hasn't heard me at
all. Not in two years!

So, that's it! Because motel girl

plus the surrogate equals I'm done!

- I'm so sorry.
- I'm not.

So, I'm carefully packin' his things.

Buh-bye, patchouli incense.

Later, lame-ass college
roommate's mixed-media

"collage homage to Nubian women"

made of Korean weave hair!

Bonfire of the beanies at !

- Miranda.
- Oh, hold on.

I have to go. Here's your bag.

I'm sorry, my kid's school just called.

There was some micro-aggression
over a Squishmallow.

- Preschool drama.
- Go, go! I, I can get an Uber home.

Okay, bye. Sorry.

Um, Nya, I should hang up.

Cell phones and environmentalists,
not a great match.

Do you know anybody who wants to
buy six or eight guitars, cheap?

I'm havin' a "goin' out of Andre" sale.

Okay. Buh-bye.

[SIGHS]

We're makin' real progress, huh?

The Earth is already dead.

We're basically just
cleaning up a corpse.

You're a delight. Let's talk more.

Not funny.

- Well... here we are.
- Mm.

- Are we ready?
- Oh, I'm so ready. I am so ready.

You just tell me when. You
know, you give me the sign.

Take that trash can right there,

I'm gonna throw it right
through this window.

Nope. I am gonna k*ll
them with kindness.

- Oh.
- They are gonna give me that dress back

and I'm gonna bring my baby home.

Oh, you are so clever!

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Wow.

There's some really
great stuff in here, hm?

[WHISPERS] No, there isn't.

[WHISPERS] No, there isn't.

Hello.

I am Charlotte York-Goldenblatt.

You may have received my emails.

I don't know.

Well, they were numerous.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. These Sonia Rykiel b...

How has nobody bought these?

H... How long have they
been just sitting there?

I don't know.

- [QUIETLY] What?
- I have an itty-bitty problem

and I am sure that you and
I can solve it together.

- What is your name?
- Eden.

Eden! You and I together,
Eden, can solve this.

So, my daughter, Lily,

sold you a bunch of clothes,

and she is still a minor.

Surely you have rules against this.

This isn't a bar. We don't card.

[INHALES] Starting fresh.

Eden...

I am looking for this Chanel dress.

Is it at this location?

I don't know.

Well, maybe you could look here

in this little computer to see.

These boots are in super-good shape.

You are sleeping with the enemy, Carrie.

I'm sorry.

["HOTEL CALIFORNIA" BY EAGLES PLAYING]

- Great Job.
- MIRANDA: Thanks.

- Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God.

[GASPS] Ugh, ugh! Ugh, I lost my phone!

Did anybody see a phone?

Oh, my God, um, I-I-I-I-I
don't have my phone,

and I need it to call Uber.

Uber's a Ponzi scheme.

Again?! So helpful!

God. [SIGHS]

Did you... Uh, did you see a phone?

- I lost my phone!
- Bummer!

Damn it.

Ah, f*ck... Ah, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

[GROANS]

[MIRANDA GRUNTS]

♪ On a dark desert highway ♪

♪ Cool wind in my hair ♪

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

♪ Rising up through the air ♪

♪ Up ahead in the distance,
I saw a shimmering light ♪

♪ My head grew heavy
and my sight grew dim ♪

♪ I had to stop for the night ♪

♪ There she stood in the doorway ♪

♪ I heard the mission bell ♪

♪ And I was thinking to myself ♪

Hi! Hello.

I'm sorry to accost you,

but I, I, I lost my phone
trying to save the planet,

and I wonder if I could borrow

one of yours for a super quick call?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, could you open that for me?

- Yep.
- MIRANDA: Thank you. All right.

- Want some?
- No, thank you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING IN STORE]

Breathe.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [CHARLOTTE BREATHES DEEPLY]

Mm. Unknown caller.

Better not be the Democrats again.

Hello?

Carrie, it's Miranda. I lost my phone.

Well, whose phone is this?

Uh, a nice surfer in a parking lot.

- Why are you so very fancy?
- What's Che's phone number?

You don't know Che's phone number?

Don't say it like that.

Nobody knows anybody's number anymore.

All right, hold on a
second, I'll look it up.

You see?

[SURFERS GREETING EACH OTHER]

Hi.

She's just getting me a number.

[PHONE RINGING]

["HOTEL CALIFORNIA" CONTINUES]

- Hello?
- It's Miranda.

Why aren't you home yet?

Ugh, I lost my phone on the beach,

and I can't call an Uber without it.

Can you come and get me?

At the beach? It-it-it's rush hour.

It'll, It'll take me, like, an
hour and a half to get there.

We have dinner with
Tony Danza in an hour!

Well, I don't, obviously.

sh*t. [CLEARS THROAT]
Do you want me to cancel, or...

You can't cancel. It's Tony Danza!

Okay, I have an idea. I'll send
someone to get you. Where are you?

Oh... can you tell them where I am?

Um... we're, like, off PCH, um,
like, across from Neptune's Net.

- You got that?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. Stay there.

Where the f*ck else am I going?

- sh*t.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Uh, please stop offering me that.

So, where am I? Neptune somethin'?

- SURFER: Yeah.
- It's up there.

Neptune's Net, is that way.

Oh, okay. That way, all right.

Thank you guys so
much. You saved my life.

- A... a thousand times thank you, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Good luck.

♪ Last thing I remember ♪

♪ I was running for the door ♪

♪ I had to find the passage back ♪

♪ To the place I was before ♪

♪ "Relax," said the
night man we are... ♪

[STORE MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay. I found it.

It is in a warehouse.

Fine... I give up. I'll buy it back.

You can't. It's on hold.

What? It's on hold where?

- I don't know.
- Listen, Eden, my husband

is a partner at a
major New York law firm,

so you might wanna watch your tone

or I am gonna call your manager.

Hey, Charlotte, can I have
a word over here? Real quick.

- [DEEP BREATH]
- Dead as she is,

I don't think Eden can take
much more interrogation.

And she's got a phone.

You're, like, this
close to being a meme.

I know. I don't know
what's wrong with me.

And even if I got the dress back,

I don't even know if Lily
could fit into it anymore.

First the Chanel, and then the Chopin.

I just feel like she's rejecting
everything I ever gave her.

Is she rejecting it, or is she,
you know, like you just said,

is she outgrowing it?

You know? And that's healthy, right?

Wanting to change and move on.

Eh, who am I to say? I'm still
fighting to save "Sex and the City."

I'm not sure it fits me anymore either.

[DEEP BREATH]

- I don't need that dress.
- Mm-mm.

- I have the memory.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

And Lily... Whoever she is now.

- Let's go.
- Yeah, but, um, before we go,

can I just get the other boot?

- [GASPS, LAUGHS]
- Then I'll have a pair.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

["LA PAZ" BY SAM HIMSELF PLAYING]

[CAR HONKS]

♪ I'll ride into town on
an old truck from Japan ♪

♪ Across a dead dust desert ♪

♪ Where the heat rots everything ♪

Miranda... Che sent me. I'm Lyle.

Oh. Fair warning, Lyle...

I smell.

♪ ♪

How bad is it?

[CHUCKLES] I used to shuck
oysters in high school,

- so it's nostalgic.
- Oh. That's generous.

Thank you so much for
driving all the way out here.

Actually, I live out here.

- Yeah, I work at the Malibu Soho House, so.
- Malibu Soho, nice.

LYLE: Yeah.

And what do you do there, Lyle?

I'm a mixologist.

Used to be called a bartender

before their margaritas hit bucks.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

And, uh, how do you know Che?

We were married.

Technically, we still are.

♪ ♪

- [TONY DANZA CHUCKLES]
- CHE: So, ukulele, huh?

- Oh, yeah, you bet.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

That's what I heard. [CHUCKLES]

- TONY DANZA: Mm.
- [CHE CHUCKLING]

- Che.
- Mm?

I'm really excited about
being in your project.

I feel like there's a "but" coming.

Well, there is. Uh,
I-I can't be Mexican.

I mean, it-it's just not gonna fly,

especially these days.

I mean, I thought because
he's Mexican-American

and it's a comedy, I
thought I'd be okay,

but I'm already getting
pushback on social media.

And rightly so. I'm not Mexican.

Okay, but [CHUCKLES]
my father's Mexican.

- Yeah, yeah. I know, I know...
- I mean...

but he doesn't have to be.

He can be Italian, like me,

and we switch your mother to Mexican.

But I'm Irish/Mexican.

Ah, Italian is just
Irish with better food.

The important thing is
to preserve the Mexican.

So, I spoke to ABC, and if you approve,

- your Irish mother is now dead...
- Mm.

... and we switch all
of her emotional scenes

to the Mexican grandmother, your abuela,

who, by the way, is k*lling
it in the run-throughs.

- Hm.
- Listen... kid,

I want you to succeed. I really do.

I think what you're doing here
is really important and cute.

I think you're gonna open a lotta
hearts and change a lotta minds.

But you're not gonna do that
with Tony Danza as a Mexican.

I-I-I've, I've come too
far to get canceled now.

And the Danza-lions agree with me.

I'm sorry, the Danza-lions?

My hardcore fans.

Oh.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

So, what got into you last week?

Me. I got into me.

I sometimes get lost in my head.

But those five amazing texts from
you helped me find my way back.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I have a proposition for you.

I'm all ears.

There's an opportunity to
invest in this new private club

here in Manhattan.

They just want $ , .

So... let's go in as partners,

$ , each?

Interesting... And what's
this club called, "Red Flag"?

I thought those five texts were suspect.

Three would've been appropriate.

I-I-It's not like that.

Th-This is a legitimate investment.

Yeah, well...

maybe...

but I'm investing in myself.

Juan Jose was wrong.

I was right.

Where are you going?

We're having chocolate mousse.

Who the f*ck is Juan Jose?

- [AMBIENT NATURE SOUNDS]
- [CAR ARRIVING]

- [CAR DOOR SHUTS]
- [CAR DEPARTING]

You are not gonna believe what
just happened to me at dinner.

[CHE LAUGHS]

- What's that face?
- I don't know your number.

E-Excuse me?

Your phone number.

I had no idea. I had to call Carrie.

Also, I had no idea
you're actually married.

Well... technically.

Yeah, we're both such slackers,

we never got around to getting divorced.

Che, I don't know who you are.

Well, [LAUGHS]

well, join the club 'cause
up until an hour ago,

I thought I was Mexican/Irish.

[SIGHS] Tony Danza and
ABC just made me Italian.

- La fungoule! [LAUGHS]
- I'm serious.

Yeah, and please don't be.

I've got enough on my plate right now.

And we're having so much fun.

Let's, let's not let your lost phone...

become a couple's
existential crisis, okay?

My number is three-four-seven...

- five-three-two...
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

Mm, mm. Nine-nine. Mm, mm.

- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]
- Are you getting this? Mm.

Mm, mm. [CHUCKLES]

Mm.

Never thought I could, but I can
actually live with what I wrote.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, it's really funny.

Is there, is there an inordinate amount

of box activity in the hallway today?

CHLOE: Hey. I hope you're happy.

You two wouldn't talk about her vag*na

and now everyone's outta work.

[SCOFFS] That's ridiculous,
Chloe. What happened?

Every show is over,
that's what happened.

They sold these studios to Apple
or Peach or whatever the f*ck.

I told you: sinking ship.

Word of advice, Carrie, next job,

don't be so precious about your p*ssy.

Well, I'll take that to heart.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [FRANKLYN CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, but...

you've said, more
than once, I might add,

that we could always...

- sell the podcast somewhere else.
- Well, that was before.

It's hard to sell something
that's been canceled.

- Wanna try?
- [FRANKLYN INHALES, SIGHS]

I don't know if it's
smart to go any further.

With the podcast?

Carrie...

you've made it pretty clear
that you want this to be

a, a Thursday thing,

and... I'm starting to feel like...

maybe I want more.

So, if Thursday's still the case...

I better get out

before I'm all f*cked up
Friday through Wednesday.

[CHUCKLES]

- Well, I wouldn't want that.
- Yeah. Neither would I.

Well...

thank you for the "Sex and the City."

- Double entendre intended.
- [FRANKLYN CHUCKLES]

See? You are the writer.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

CARRIE: And just like that,
I freed up my entire week.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪