01x19 - Trip to Lisbon

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

- [announcer] Anne

Jeffreys as Marion Kirby,

the ghostess with the mostest.

Robert Sterling as George

Kirby, that most sporty spirit.

And Leo G. Carroll, host to said ghosts

as

"Topper."

- I'll type them up

immediately, Mr. Topper.

[gentle music]

- Good morning, Topper.

Man, I feel solid this morning.

Got me a new supply of ectoplasm.

- And what do you want?

- Well, I tell you,

I've been thinking, Top.

It's time I go to work.

No reason why ghosts

shouldn't make big money

just like live people.

- Oh? What do you have in mind?

- Banking, of course.

Short hours, pretty

secretaries, lots of money.

- I hope you weren't

thinking of this bank.

- Where else?

I have pull here.

- What makes you think so?

- Listen, don't you wanna

help me be a big tycoon?

- No.

[door opens]

And I wish you'd go away.

- What's that, Topper?

- I said you need a rest, Mr. Schuyler.

I wish you'd go away.

- I don't need a rest.

I want to speak to you in my office.

- Am I hired?

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, you don't have to call me, sir.

Just Mr. Kirby.

- Oh, and Topper, I'd like

to look over your analysis

on the utilities corporation.

- I have it right here.

[audience laughing]

- Did you see that?

- Yes.

Light and power company, floating alone.

[audience laughing]

[typewriter tapping]

- If anyone calls me,

I'll be out to lunch.

I said, if anyone calls me,

I'll be out to lunch.

Well, come, come my good woman,

don't just sit there and ignore me.

If there's one thing I

can't stand it's ignorance.

If there's one thing I

can't stand it's ignorance.

[audience laughing]

[secretary screaming]

- What does she think she's doing?

- She's had a hard day.

Probably unwinding.

- I'll give it to you

in a nutshell, Topper.

Our branch bank in Lisbon, South Carolina,

is being run very badly.

- What are we going to do about it?

- Well, I'm not through.

Harry Devon, Lisbon's biggest businessman,

flew up here over the weekend

to ask us what we're going to do about it.

And he threatened us to

withdraw his accounts.

- I see.

I take it you want me to go down there

and straighten things out?

- Hmm, you'll have to leave tonight.

You know Lester, don't you?

Our branch manager in Washington.

- Ike Lester?

- Hmm.

- I've known him for years.

- Well, phone him before you leave.

He'll meet you when your

train stops in Washington,

give you further details.

Good luck, Topper.

Oh, and Topper, don't

mention this to anyone

except your wife, of course,

for the sake of the bank's reputation.

I won't mention it to a living soul.

Not even a dead one.

[audience laughing]

- Knit one, pearl two, under,

over, cable round the neck.

Neil, don't pull so tight.

Let's see, one more row

and we'll have this sweater finished.

[Neil barking]

Oh, I'm sorry, Neil.

I didn't know you were ready.

Here.

[audience laughing]

[door slamming]

[Neil barking]

- Maybe it's George.

We better hurry.

[audience laughing]

- [George] Hello, darling.

Hi, Neil.

- Oh, I'm so glad you're home, darling.

Did you have a hard day at the bank?

- m*rder.

I'm in the investment department.

Here.

- Oh, your salary?

- No, it's my laundry.

I worked so hard today,

I changed my shirt twice.

Hey Neil.

Be a good fella, will you,

and get my slippers for me?

My slippers.

- George.

Take off your jacket, dear.

- Huh?

- You know, I haven't been idle either.

If my husband can work, so can I.

- A sweater.

You knitted it all by yourself?

- All by myself for you.

Now, try it on.

- Okay.

[lively music]

[audience laughing]

- Oh I forgot the sleeves.

- That's all right, honey.

If we ever get invited to a masquerade,

I can always go as a penguin.

Help me out of it, will you?

What's that?

Neil, I said my slippers.

- Maybe he thought you said clippers.

Neil, go back now, go get

his slippers for his feet.

Slippers.

- Turn on the television

set, will you honey?

I wanna relax for an hour.

- Oh, I wish Top would get a new one.

This one's always getting out of whack.

- Well, I hope it's working now.

I don't wanna miss that new spy program.

"Treason."

- What channel is it on?

- Oh, I don't know.

Just fish around.

You got anything?

- I got channel three.

- What's on it?

- Channel two.

- Never mind, I'll get it myself.

Neil!

Not kippers, slippers.

[audience laughing]

- [newscaster] But the

riots have been quelled

and order has returned to the city.

Washington, a delegation of

state department officials

and a group of financial

advisors hand picked

by the president himself

are embarking tonight

for Portugal on a secret mission.

- Is that treason?

- Not if the president sent them.

- No I mean the program, the spy program.

- No, dear.

That was just a news broadcast.

Wait a minute.

I think this is it.

- [announcer] "Treason."

"Treason."

minutes of thrilling

adventure and intrigue

featuring Gabriel Clark

as the master spy Duprey.

Tonight's episode of

"Treason" finds Duprey

masquerading as an itinerant tinker

in a European city seething

with foreign agents

- and known as the powder.

- [doorbell ringing]

- [George] Hey, leave that alone.

- [announcer] But first, a

few words from our sponsor.

[audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

A single trial will convince

you that nowhere at no price,

- can you dupli-

- [turns TV off]

And now, don't touch that dial.

You've got to listen to "Treason."

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, I thought you'd never come.

I left my key again.

- Cosmo, there's something

wrong with our television set.

Every time I shut it off,

it goes on again by itself.

- It's that new a*t*matic tuning control.

It has no control.

By the way, dear, the

bank's sending me down

to South Carolina, a town called Lisbon.

- Cosmo, how exciting.

When do we leave?

- Not we, dear, me.

Just me, tonight.

I have to put a call

through to Washington.

Will you run upstairs

and start my packing?

I'll join you later.

- How long will you be gone?

- Just long enough to make the call, dear.

- I mean in Lisbon.

- Oh, I don't know, two or three days.

- Well, I'll lay out your things.

You'll want something Southern.

- Well, a nice mint Julep

and a bed of cotton will do I think.

[audience laughing]

Long distance?

I want to place a person-to-person call

with Mr. Issac Lester,

Washington DC.

Capitol three, four, nine, six, five.

This is globe four, two, nine, one, eight.

Will you ring me?

Thank you.

- George, I want a word with you.

If you'd just step out onto the patio.

- Oh no.

Anything you have to say to me,

you can say it in front

of my wife and my dog.

[Neil barking]

- Very well.

I want you to stay away

from the bank for one thing.

- [George] I thought I did fine.

- As a result of your husband's

ingenious speculations,

the bank was almost wiped out by noon.

- It was still solvent

when the market closed.

- Only by the merest luck.

Now listen to me both of you.

I'm leaving town tonight.

- Where are you going?

- It's a secret mission.

- Can we go with you?

- I'm traveling alone.

- [telephone ringing]

- That's for me.

Long distance call, very private.

- Well, come, Marion.

Come, Neil. [Neil barking]

- Hello?

Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, this is Cosmo Topper.

- Come on, Neil.

I'll make you a nice hot cup of gin.

- Cosmo, is it hot or cold in Lisbon?

- Of course, Ike.

- Lisbon?

Is that where he's going?

- Marion, that broadcast.

About the State Department

sending a secret delegation to Portugal.

- Oh George, do you suppose Top?

- Lisbon, the powder keg of Europe.

He said it was a confidential mission.

- Oh no.

- And he's on the phone

to Washington right now.

Probably talking to

some very high official.

- I'm going to listen in.

- Eavesdropper.

- Yes.

Yes, I understand the need for secrecy.

No one knows about this

trip except my wife.

You'll met me at the train?

Good, then I'll see you in the morning.

Thank you, Ike.

[audience laughing]

Goodbye.

- George.

Ike.

- The announcer said that

the men were hand picked

by the president.

- Oh I can hardly wait to meet him.

Only, I'll have to wait.

Topper doesn't want us along.

- Wait a minute, Marion.

I have a feeling this is gonna

be a very dangerous mission.

It's our duty to go to protect Topper.

- George, you're so right.

I haven't been to Europe for years.

I've never been to Portugal.

- Just think, honey, when

we get to Washington,

Ike is gonna meet us at the station.

[audience laughing]

[soft music]

- You be sure and call me

the minute you get to Lisbon

and let me know if you got there safely.

Now, is there anything you've forgotten?

- I can't remember.

Oh yes.

Please send this wire to

Harry Devon in Lisbon.

- Harry Devon?

- He's a big depositor.

I want to arrange a meeting.

- [Conductor] All aboard.

All aboard.

- Well, I think you better

be running along now, dear.

- All right, Cosmo.

Take care of yourself

and be sure to write me.

- Very well, dear.

The minute I get back.

- Honey, he's in there.

- How do you know?

- I just saw Henrietta leave.

- Quick, George, here comes the porter.

- There's nothing to be afraid of.

Nobody can see us, but Topper.

[knocking]

- Yes, dear, I have plenty of underwear.

[audience laughing]

I know, but it's only

the steam from the drain.

Gesundheit.

You better run along now, dear.

You'll catch cold.

[audience laughing]

[train horn honking]

Oh, porter, where's the dining car?

- Sorry, sir, the diner's full,

but we're serving on the

club car, straight back.

- Thanks very much.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- No at all.

I rather enjoyed it.

[audience laughing]

- I don't like the looks of her.

- I do.

[audience laughing]

- We're supposed to be counter-spies.

That woman might be a Mata Hari.

- I'll follow her and find out.

- George, no you don't either.

Now with Topper in the club car,

now's the time to search.

- For what?

- For bombs, of course.

- Perfect.

You search his room and

I'll search the woman.

- George.

[train horn honking]

- If there is a b*mb in here,

it's certainly well hid.

- Maybe they're not gonna use a b*mb.

Maybe they're gonna try to poison him.

- Oh for heaven's sake.

He finally brought me a pair of slippers.

That's what I call slow reflexes.

- Poison?

George, Topper went

into the club car to eat

and that blond spy followed him.

- Well, let's go.

[lively music]

[soft music]

[Arabian music]

We've got to stop him

from eating that food.

- I thought I saw her put

something in his water.

- Why don't we bump into the table

and we can switch the

plates and the glasses.

But then he might recognize us.

- Why don't we just dematerialize?

- Now why didn't I think of that?

[dramatic music]

[audience laughing]

[whimsical music]

- Well, I hope you enjoy your trip.

[audience laughing]

- George, George, come quick.

- What are you so excited about?

- That woman, that blond.

She's got the compartment next to Topper.

- Well, that is something

to be excited about.

- And she's with a man.

And they're talking about Lisbon.

- What?

[train bell dinging]

- Darling, we've got to get rid of him

before we get to Lisbon.

- Hey, this is serious.

We better get busy.

- I should have never of hired him, Harry.

He's the worst valet I've ever seen.

- You should have fired

him before we left New York

instead of bringing him on the train.

- He can get off at Washington.

- Hand me my headache

pills, will you honey?

- Honestly, Harry.

You're the worst hypochondriac.

- I am not.

I just got worried, that's all.

I'm worried about the bank and

I'm worried about my health.

[audience laughing]

- Well, I found something for

Topper to defend himself with.

[Marion gasping]

- Where did you get that?

- I swiped it from the

guard in the mail car.

Now I've got to find someplace to hide it

where he can find it easily.

That'd oughta be easy enough, huh?

- [Cosmo] Oh porter?

- Topper, quick.

- [Cosmo] What time do

we reach Washington?

- [George] Neil, for Pete's

sake, don't just sit there.

Disappear you big lush.

- [Porter] I'm not sure,

sir, but I'll check for you.

- [Cosmo] Thank you, porter.

- We arrive in Washington at six.

- Just come from out west.

Westchester.

Pretty wild country up there.

- Dusty.

- Do you think you can fix it?

- I'm doing my best.

- [Marion] George, what are they doing?

- [George] Obviously,

preparing a lethal w*apon.

It's a good thing for Topper we're here.

Devilishly clever.

He's camouflaged it as a radio.

There you are.

- What's the matter, Harry?

- George, did you hear that?

Mata Hari.

- [George] What did I tell you?

Let's get out of here.

- George, they must be foreign spies.

- Amazing American

accent the man has, huh?

- What are we gonna do?

- I don't think Topper

realizes the danger he's in.

We've got to protect him with our lives.

- Yeah, but we haven't got any.

[audience laughing]

- Nevertheless, I better

get that g*n back.

Come on.

- Well, thank you, porter.

Just a minute.

- [Marion] Get rid of the g*n.

Here comes, Topper.

- George?

Marion?

Are you on this train?

Too proud to wear glasses.

[audience laughing]

- Thanks, honey.

Send that telegram right away, will you?

It's gotta get there before morning.

- Don't worry darling.

It'll go off at the next stop.

- What did she mean?

[no audible dialogue]

- George!

Marion.

I thought you were on this train.

[audience laughing]

Let me out.

George, you idiot, let me out.

Let me out.

What the deuce do you think you're doing?

- Saving your life.

- Stop this infernal nonsense at once.

- Shh!

You hear that?

- It's in the next compartment.

- Shh!

- What is it?

- A b*mb, a time b*mb.

- Shh!

Don't give yourself away, old man.

These foreign spies are

clever, devilishly clever.

Hiding the b*mb in their own room.

[alarm buzzing]

They've lit the fuse.

[dramatic music]

[Harry screaming]

[audience laughing]

- Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

- The train's coming to a stop.

It's slowing down.

It's stopping.

- Keep searching.

This b*mb's set to go off any minute.

- What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Lie still, Topper.

Our lives mean nothing,

but the very future of the

country may depend on yours.

- Have you gone insane?

Let me up.

- [Harry] Help.

- And who's in there?

- A spy.

Mata Hari's husband.

- [Harry] Let me out.

- George, why didn't the b*mb go off?

- [Harry] Help.

- It must be a delayed fuse.

Devilishly clever.

- [Harry] Let me out of here.

Help.

[woman screaming]

- Harry.

- Topper, get them out of here.

They'll all be blown to pieces.

- Oh, oh, who, what?

On my pills.

- Which ones?

- All of them.

- [Man] What happened, sir?

- I don't know.

I just wound my alarm clock

and the whole compartment

seemed to come apart

and somebody suddenly

locked me in my berth.

- I found this man closing the berth.

- But I assure you that.

- What's your name, sir?

- Topper.

- My name's Devon, Harry Devon.

And I intend to sue you

for as*ault and battery.

- Harry Devon?

From Lisbon, South Carolina?

- He's obviously been following me.

- I was just on my way

down to Lisbon to meet you,

sent by Mr. Schuyler.

- Lisbon, South Carolina?

Hey, George, what do you make of that?

- They even moved Lisbon.

Devilishly clever.

- I assure you, Mr. Devon, I came in

when I heard you pounding on the wall

and the berth was already up.

- Berths just do not go up by themselves.

- Oh they don't, huh?

[Harry screaming]

- [Harry] Let me out!

Let me out of here.

Who did that?

Who did that?

- It went up by itself.

- It seems to me,

you oughta check these

things more carefully.

Why a man might suffocate.

- Harry, Mr. Topper set

you free just in time.

- Well so he did.

- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Devon.

I'll have you transferred to

another compartment right away.

- I should think so.

Mr. Topper, my profoundest apologies sir

and I'm sure we can

settle this bank business

with no further difficulty.

- Have some cough medicine.

[audience laughing]

- Don't drink that Topper, it's poison.

- What are you doing, sir?

- Well, it says shake well before using.

[audience applauding]

- Yes, you did a splendid job

down there in Lisbon, Topper.

Splendid.

Now what can we do for you?

[lively music]

That's asking just a

little too much, Topper.

[audience applauding]

[lively music]

- [announcer] A John W. Loveton,

Bernard L. Schubert production.

Produced by John W. Loveton,

starring Anne Jeffreys, Robert

Sterling and Leo G. Carroll