01x29 - Topper Goes to Las Vegas

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

- [Narrator]

Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby,

the ghostess with the mostest,

Robert Sterling as George

Kerby, that most sporty spirit,

and Leo G. Carroll,

host to said ghosts as

Topper.

This is Cosmo Topper,

bank vice president, loving husband

and no, he's not a magician.

George and Marion Kerby are doing that.

Ghosts,

yes a handsome couple who

were swallowed by an avalanche

and came back to spread a little joy

into a sedate businessman's life.

And that's their ghost dog Neil,

the Saint Bernard who couldn't save them.

That's what you get for

drinking on the job, old boy.

[barks]

[audience laughs]

Aren't they a wonderful bunch?

And just think, Topper is the

only person in the whole world

who can see or hear them,

except you and I, of course.

Well, it's off to the bank for Topper.

What a way to start the day.

- What can't we, Cosmo?

Just for the weekend.

- But Henrietta, I'm loaded

down with work and I--

- We really haven't had a

chance to enjoy that boat

since we bought it last summer.

Please, dear.

- Well, all right.

But I'll have to hire the men

to do some repair work on her

and get her shipshape.

- Oh Cosmo, I'm so happy,

we'll have a wonderful time together.

- Yes dear, just you and I.

- And George.

- And Marion.

- And George and Marion.

- What'd you say dear,

are we having guests?.

- No, ghosts.

[audience laughing]

- Ghosts?

- Forget about it dear,

no one will be with us.

- [laughs] All right Cosmo,

I'll see you this evening, bye.

- Bye bye dear.

Please stop all this nonsense.

I still have to work

for a living, you know,

and I'm behind schedule.

- Work,

work.

How can you think about working

when we have such a beautiful

weekend ahead of us?

- Oh, he's right Topper,

we're going sailing, come

on get into the mood.

- I am rather looking forward to this.

You know, back in my youth,

I was quite a squash.

- You still are Topper darling.

- No, I'm afraid any squash I ever had

got unbuckled years ago.

[audience laughing]

- I can see us on the boat now.

- Yes, come on Topper,

stand up on the poop deck

and watch out for the reef.

- Wait, wait a minute, hey, I say, what?

- Oh Topper.

- Oh, oh.

[audience laughing]

- Topper.

Topper, what in the

heavens name are you doing?

- Well, it's an economic move,

I'm watching the overhead.

- Hmm [audience laughing].

You're familiar with our

client, Harvey Middleton.

- Harvey Middleton?

Oh certainly, he

speculates in real estate.

- Yes, well, he once

put in a bid on an hotel

that's being auctioned off in Las Vegas.

- Las Vegas?

- Yes, and I'd like you

to fly to Las Vegas,

submit the bid and act in

his behalf, if it's accepted.

- But Mr. Schuyler,

I rather planned to spend

the weekend on my boat.

Couldn't somebody else go to Las Vegas?

- No, this is a job for you, Topper.

Demands a man of your

dignity and tactful demeanor.

- [George] Las Vegas, fun at the Flamingo.

- [Marion] I can hardly wait

to get in a room as we all...

Spin it, George.

- [George] Round and

round the little bar goes,

where she stops, nobody knows.

- Topper, what on earth happened to you?

- Oh!

Nothing.

I was just reminding myself

to buy a round trip ticket.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[light music]

- [Mrs. Topper] Oh, Cosmo.

- Oh Hener.

What on earth are you wearing?

- It's my outfit.

I bought it to wear on

the boat this weekend.

- Henrietta, it's my contention

that there isn't room in this

world for women in pants,

and in some cases, no room

in the pants for women.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, we can't go on the boat after all.

- How come?

- No, some important business has come up,

I'm flying to Las Vegas.

- But I planned to--

- You're going with me.

We're flying on the

o'clock plane, tonight.

- Oh.

- You better get packed.

[dices click]

- Cosmo, what's that clicking sound?

- It's just my knees,

knocking together dear.

I never did get over my fear of flying.

[thud sounds]

- Such a strange man.

[audience laughing]

- What's going on here?

George,

Marion,

where are you two?

- Come on dice, daddy

needs a new pair of shoes.

Natural dice. Eight's my point. Old

eighter from Decatur, right back here.

- Seven, you lose, now it's my turn.

- What is all this?

- Hi Toppy, we're just

practicing for Las Vegas.

Well, here goes, seven come .

- Watch the snake eye.

- Deuce, deuce, that's four the hard way.

- Four's a poor little Joe from Kokomo.

Come on dice, get hot.

Little Joe it is, I win.

- Come on, Topper, if you get in the game,

we'll play for money.

- Oh, don't be absurd, I

wouldn't wager a penny on it,

given a chance.

- Oh, there's no chance here, darling.

George is an expert dice cheat.

- Watch this fancy Greek

backhand roll, I'll throw a .

- Double six, sports car.

- Now you see, Topper,

if you'd been betting me you'd have won.

- You don't say?

Best one could master this game

if he went out and signed differently.

- Okay, Topper, let's see you roll 'em,

let's see how you do.

- Oh, wow, thank you.

Let's see.

As I observed it you were,

you shake them like this,

then you mutter at them.

Be warned dice, seven come .

Nice dice.

Say, give me-- give

me a pair of sevens.

Little Joe from Boston.

[audience laughing]

Look out for buck's

eyes and snake eyes.

Hello dear.

- What are you doing?

- I noticed our begonia was withering,

I was just setting up

another prayer for rain.

You better hurry and finish

packing dear, we haven't much time.

- Now, don't worry about me,

I'll be ready in plenty of time.

Cosmo,

it should be a marvelous trip.

Just you,

and I.

- And George.

- And Marion.

- Yes, just the four of us.

- Four of us?

- Well, you'll be coming

with me, that's two.

I'll be going with you,

that's another two.

And all together that's four.

[laughs]

- You're so silly but I love you.

We'll have a marvelous time.

[upbeat music]

- I have a reservation,

Mr. and Mrs. Cosmo Topper.

- For one moment Mr. Topper, I'll check.

- We had a pretty good take last night,

even with the small crowd.

How's the action been today?

I said, how's the...

What's wrong with you?

What are you staring at?

- That guy that's just

checking in at the desk.

- What about him?

- His face, I know his

face somewhere Mr. Martin.

- No, no, don't tell me

you found another criminal.

- Oh, this time I'm positive boss.

I got a photographic mind

and I know that face.

He's a big time crooked, gambler.

- Gambler, crooked gambler?

- I remember his face

from the police files.

I used to be one of the top

men on the force, you know?

- [laughs] Top men on the force.

Glad you finally got b*at

so far out in the country,

with a long distance

phone call to the station.

- But boss, now you know--

- I got it.

You may have a photographic mind,

but they forgot to develop a negative.

[audience laughing]

- Thank you Mr. Topper.

If you would just follow the bell boy,

he will take you to your room.

- Oh, why don't you go on up

there and rest before dinner.

I'm going over to the attorney's office

to submit Middleton's bid on this hotel.

- All right dear, I am a

little weary from the trip.

- Bye.

- [George] Hi, Topper.

- [Marion] Welcome to Las Vegas.

- You two are here already, are you?

- [Marion] Oh, we've been here for hours.

- [George] You see we fly

faster than you can, Topper.

No head winds, no plane.

Come, Topper, let's try

our luck in the casino.

- Oh, this is a business trip George.

I've got to get Middleton's bid

over to the attorney's office.

- [George] Okay, we'll

see you back here later.

Then we can try out of the crap table.

In the meantime, here's

some dice to practice with.

- [Marion] Bye, Topper.

- How did you do that?

- What?

- Those dice,

they stayed up in the air by themselves.

- Oh yes, yes I have,

I got them in a floating crap game.

[audience laughing]

[muttering]

- Then these dice float through the air,

and land right in his hand.

Boss I've seen a lot but

never anything like this.

- Lafferty haven't I told you before,

I don't want you drinking on the job.

- Boss, am I,

I haven't touched a drip.

- For your information,

I checked the register,

and this crook you're tailing

happens to be Mr. Cosmo

Topper, a prominent banker.

Now, will you get this

idea and get off my back.

- Okay boss, okay, don't get excited.

I'm just trying to do my job.

- Then do it.

And please Lafferty, leave

our guests alone, will ya?

[muttering]

- [announcer] Long distance

call for Mr. Cosmo Topper.

- There's a call for

me, where can I take it?

- Oh, yes Mr. Topper,

you can take it over there in booth one.

- Thank you.

Yes, this is Topper.

Connect.

All right, I'll pay the charges.

- Hello Mr.Topper, this is Olaf Larson,

the fellow you hired to repair your boat.

Yeah, I called the bank and

they told me where you were.

- Oh yes.

I had to come in here on a big deal.

What's wrong?

- You didn't tell me what you wanted done.

- Well, to begin with,

I got a crooked deck.

- Yeah, I saw that.

And you know, your rudder is binding.

You want me to replace the cable?

- Yeah, so now,

I think the wheel might be fixed.

- All right Mr. Topper, I'll work on that,

I'll have her fixed.

Oh, you want me to stock the food lockers?

- No, no, I loaded them before I left.

[audience laughing]

- I hope you don't mind

me calling you out there.

What are you on a business trip?

- That's right.

I won't be here long though.

I'll be leaving as soon as

I put over the big bang job.

[audience laughing]

That's right, all right, see you soon.

- Hey boss.

- Yes Lafferty?

- If somebody came to you

and said he heard this guy

Topper admit he was a big gambler

and a crook over the telephone,

what would you do?

- I'd fire him.

What was it you wanted Lafferty?

- Nothing, boss.

I just happened to be passing this way.

[cheerful music]

- Sorry it took so long, dear.

- It's all right, dear.

I've been writing to Selma.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Selma and I have been

corresponding for years.

Whenever I go any place I write to her,

and she writes to me

whenever she leaves town.

- But Selma hasn't been out

of town since we've known her.

- You know that's right.

I wondered why I never

get any mail from her.

[audience laughing]

- Would please get me the

law firm of Friets and Gidlow.

- You know,

I'll bet Selma would just

love it here in Las Vegas.

Doesn't she strike you

as being the desert type?

- She does rather, flat and dry.

[audience laughing]

- No, I meant that she--

- Just a moment dear.

Hello?

Hello?

Mr. Price?

This is Cosmo Topper.

I was just calling to find out

if the bids have been opened

on that hotel there yet.

I see.

Well, thanks very much.

Starting to open the bids now.

It's a good thing I got out when I did.

- [George] Look at him

sitting there, Marion.

[door opens and closes]

- What was that?

- Just a mouse, dear.

- Sounded like the door.

- Yes, I know.

- It was a door mouse.

- [audience laughing].

- [George] Topper, I'm ashamed of you.

- [Marion] I am too, Topper.

You were coming to the casino with us.

I'll never give you again.

- I don't know how to

else to write to Selma.

- [George] You might react

to what Marion said Topper.

- You might just tell her

to go and jump in the Lake.

- Why should I do that?

You know, perfectly well,

Selma can't swim a stroke.

Besides, it's too late

anyway. I finished the letter.

[audience laughing]

I'm going downstairs and mail it dear.

- [Marion] You've been a bad, bad boy.

And to punish you I'm

gonna tickle your shoes

and tickle your feet.

- No, no Manny, not the feet [laughs]

- Now then, explain yourself,

why didn't you join us in the casino?

- Yeah, your work's all

done, let's go have some fun.

- Well, I came here on a business trip.

I know nothing about the gambling.

- If that's your only problem,

forget it, we'll teach it.

- No, I am not leaving this room tonight.

- Okay, if Mohammed won't

go to the mountains,

we'll be right back.

- George, Marion.

I wonder if there's any chance for

advancement in the foreign legion.

[audience laughing]

- I'll find out how he did it.

[mysterious music]

- Poor guy's had too much sunshine.

- Or maybe too much moonshine.

- Should we help him, honey?

[dramatic music]

- [Marion] Give him a card George,

so he'll know how it's done.

- [George] Well, all I've

got is one of Topper's.

- [Marion] Hand it to him

and let's go to the casino.

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music]

- Cosmo Topper, what's his room number?

- .

What's up Lafferty?

- I'm gonna search his room.

Right from the start, I had

this guy pegged for a crook,

Martin laughs, then I see him do

some hanky panky with some dice,

Martin laughs some more,

then I overhear him

plotting a big knock off

with some accomplice,

Martin threatens to fire

me if I so much as cr*ck.

And just now a pair of dice

flies right out of my hand,

goes up into the air

and leaves a card.

So, I thought I'd go up to his room and--

- And what, Lafferty?

- And see if he needs any towels.

[grunting]

- George,

Marion.

- [Marion] It's heavy.

- Now what have you done?

- Oh, we just borrow

these for a few minutes

to check you out on the

finer points of gambling.

- Come on Top, sit down.

Come on.

George, give him some chips.

- [George] Here we are.

[mysterious music]

- All right, Topper, tell

me what number you want

and we'll start the ball rolling.

- Oh, .

- , the man says.

[dramatic music]

[audience laughing]

- It's simple, the way George and I do it.

- Yes, isn't it though?

Let's show him top of

the slot machine, huh?

[dramatic music]

- Now, all you have to do

is put a nickel in the slot,

and pull the handle.

- Isn't it amazing what you

can do with a little luck,

and a screwdriver?

- And now would you like to try it, Topper?

- No, I don't wanna try it.

Now, get this junk out of here,

Henrietta may be back any minute.

- Well then, will you come

down to the casino with us?

- No, I will not.

- All right then, we'll just

leave all this stuff right here

and you can explain it to Henrietta.

- No, no, you couldn't do that.

- Oh, but we could.

- Listen, I hear someone

coming down the hall.

- Will you come down and gamble with us?

- All right, all right,

get this stuff out of here.

- It's a deal, come on George help me.

Hurry up George, I hear them coming.

- [George] Okay, let's take

them out the patio door.

[dramatic music]

- Here's the wheel right...

- Cosmo, what's the matter?

- Well Lafferty,

where's the roulette wheel

and slot machine you said was down here?

- I saw it with my own

eyes boss, I swear it.

It was right there.

- A roulette wheel in our room?

The man is demented.

- There must be some mistake.

- Yes, there is,

and it's him.

- It was right there, boss.

And the slot machine.

- I'm very sorry for this

intrusion, Mr. Topper.

And I'm so sorry to

inconvenience you, Mrs. Topper.

Lafferty here seems to be

suffering from hallucinations.

Come along Lafferty, I wanna

talk to you downstairs.

- How absurd.

Imagining a roulette wheel in our room.

- Preposterous.

- [laughs] And a slot machine,

I've never heard of anything...

[audience laughing]

What are all those nickels

doing on the floor?

- Nickels?

Oh, yes,

well, you came here for the a

rest and change, didn't you?

[audience laughing]

- Yes.

- Well, that's the change.

And I think I'll have a rest.

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music]

[muttering]

- [George] Go on, Topper,

to the cashier's window

and change some money.

- All right.

Wait here Henrietta.

- Look boss, now he's gonna gamble.

- Okay, that's what we were hoping for.

Honest Lafferty, you worry me.

- Will you please give me a

five nickels for a quarter.

- Some big time gambler.

- Well, that's the way

some of them operate.

Throws the suckers off guard.

[laughs]

- George where are you?

I got some change, let's get it over with.

- [George] Change?

We're not gonna waste slot machines,

throw those nickels away.

- Cosmo, have you lost your mind?

Why are you throwing your money away?

- This is Las Vegas, I just

eliminated the middleman.

[audience laughing]

- New sh**t coming out .

Get your bets down, ladies and gentlemen.

- [George] Okay, Topper,

you put it a dollar down,

and just let it ride.

We'll take care of the rest.

- [Marion] Good luck, Topper [giggles],

as if you need it.

- Get your bets down, ladies and gentlemen.

New sh**t coming out,

all right sir, roll 'em.

- Eight, eight's the number.

[audience laughing]

I beg your pardon, I called it wrong.

Seven, pay the front line,

take the don'ts, roll 'em sir.

- [George] Let it ride.

- Let it ride.

- Eleven, a natural, a

winner, paid up front line,

take the don'ts, get your money

down ladies and gentlemen.

Children in the

great run. Roll 'em.

- [Marion] Let it ride.

- Let it ride.

- Seven, another natural,

paid up front line,

take the don'ts.

Got a hot hand, get your money

down, ladies and gentlemen.

Roll 'em.

- Let it ride.

- Nine to point, coming

out ladies and gentlemen,

place your bets, nine, make nine sir.

- Let it ride.

- Nine, a winner, a winner, he

really made it, look at that.

Nine.

- I told you boss, I told you.

That Topper guy's at the

back table and he's winning.

- So, what if the guy wins a few bucks?

That doesn't make him a crook.

- Oh yeah,

that's what you think.

It just so happens he

made straight passes

and he's busting the bank.

- What?

- Six, six, to point, mark six, make six.

- Hold it.

- [George] What's the matter, Topper?

- What was my point?

[audience laughing]

- Six.

- All right, okay, there you go.

- Six, the winner, pay the lane.

[audience laughing]

- You see, the dice

stayed right in mid air

just like I told you.

- That's what I saw, but who'd believe us?

This guy's gonna break the joint,

but there's no way to prove he's cheating.

- [George] That's enough, Topper,

Marion and I are tired.

- [Marion] We've had our

fun, so, we're going to bed.

- Wait.

- [George] Here, Topper.

Take these in case you stay late.

They're all phonies.

Good night, Topper.

- [Marion] Good night, Topper boy.

[observers exclaiming in dismay]

- I guess my point is .

[audience laughing]

- Come along Mr. Topper, cash him in.

Mr. Lafferty was right after all,

he said you were a crook.

- Now see here--

- Cosmo Topper, I was suspicious of you

the minute you checked in here.

Typical criminal face.

- A telegram just came for you.

- I haven't got time Lafferty.

Are the police on the way?

- I think you better read it now, boss.

- All right, let's see it.

Dear Martin, this is to notify you

that the hotel has been sold

to Mr. Harvey Middleton.

Until further notice,

all operations will be

under direct supervision

of Middleton's representative,

Mr. Cosmo Topper.

- Do you still want me

to call the police, boss?

- Of course not, you bone head.

But why did you, I mean in the casino?

- Oh, just a test.

Thanks to Lafferty

here, I was apprehended.

As a matter of fact,

I've been impressed by his

efficiency since I came here.

So for the time being, I'm

putting him in full charge,

as acting manager.

Come Henrietta.

Oh, by the way, if you

would care to stay on here,

as Lafferty's assistant,

I have no objection.

[audience laughing]

- Did you hear what he said?

- Yeah, boss.

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

[cheerful music]

- [narrator] A John W. Loveton,

Bernard L. Schubert production.

Produced by John W. Loveton.

Starring Anne Jeffreys,

Robert Sterling,

and Leo G. Carroll.

[cheerful instrumental music]