[waves crashing]
- [narrator] Anne Jeffreys as Marion Kerby
that ghostess with the mostest.
Robert Sterling as George
Kerby, that most sporty spirit.
And Leo G Carroll,
hosts to said ghosts as,
Topper.
[slow dramatic music]
- Come right in, sir.
Good morning, Topper.
- [Topper] Hello.
- This is Mr. Van Horn,
Van Horn, this is Mr. Topper,
one of our vice-presidents.
- How you do?
- Mr. Topper.
- Van Horn here is a, uh,
an efficiency expert?
- A specialist in time and motion studies.
- Ah, yes.
We are having a time and
motion study in the bank.
Good idea, Topper?
- Yes indeed, Mr. Schuyler.
- And of course, as we
must start somewhere,
you don't mind if Mr.
Van Horn begins with you?
- Not at all.
- Good.
Well, I'll leave you two alone.
Go right on with your work, Topper.
Excuse me.
[slow dramatic music]
- Just assume that I'm
not here, Mr. Topper.
- Gladly.
That is, of course.
- What's that idiot doing
with that stopwatch?
- I wish he'd stop watching me.
- Hmm?
- Just adding a column.
- Oh brother, this boy has got to go.
- George, you are so right.
- Second mortgages.
- Six seconds per mortgage.
[seat creaking]
- I'm going to file them.
[drawer whooshes]
- Couldn't your file be a
little closer to your desk?
- [Marion] Shall we
let him have it, Topper?
- No.
- Well, that was only a suggestion.
[audience laughing]
[mumbles]
- I'm going to sharpen the pencil.
- [George] If he wants speed,
let's give him speed, Topper.
- [Marion] I'll take that.
[slow dramatic music]
[sharpener clattering]
- How did you do that?
- Well, it's a Venus pencil, no arms.
[audience laughing]
- Maybe.
- [Marion] Let's go to work, Topper.
- [George] I'll file, Neil you help me.
[Neil barks]
[slow dramatic music]
[audience laughs]
- [Marion] How are we doing, Topper?
- [George] Neil, over here.
- [Neil barks]
- Well, did you get the time on that?
- The most incredible system I ever saw.
[audience laughing]
Mr. Topper, how do you do it?
- I'll tell you.
It's done by two very
close friends of mine.
Georgia and Marion Kerby
and their dog, Neil.
All three are ghosts, who can
only be seen and heard by me.
Any questions? No?
Well, time for lunch.
Marion, George.
- [Marion] I'll get my bag, Topper.
- C'mon, Neil.
- [Neil barks]
[audience laughs]
- Kings
are mad, mad gifts.
[telephone bangs]
- Man clear to New Mexico,
to inspect your ranch?
Of course we'd like to do it.
Of course we appreciate your patronage,
but who can I send?
Miller is up to his ears.
Digi is up to his ears
and Topper is up.
Well, don't you worry,
don't you worry, Mrs. Ogal Gloff
I think I can straighten this all out.
Mmm.
- It's all for you to stick with us.
And we'll make you the
hottest thing in banking,
since the Christmas savings plan.
- I don't want to be the
hottest thing in banking.
I don't care if I go bankrupt.
All I want is--
[door rustles]
- Topper, what are you talking about?
What's this bankrupt?
- I,
I was just writing
a little song for the bankers
convention, Mr. Schuyler.
"I don't care if I'm bankrupt,
If I'm not overdrawn with you."
[audience laughs]
- My Topper, how sweet.
- I see.
I have an Van Horn's
report here at Topper,
I'd like to see this new filing system
that he raves about,
- Well, let's show him Marion.
- I suppose that,
[dramatic sounds]
what, that went up
by itself, just as if something blew it.
- Or the [chuckles]
bank draft.
- Topper, the bank thinks,
it would be well for you to get some rest,
get away from all the
pressures for a few days.
- Tip of things are rolling,
not on your life.
- But Mr. Schuyler, I, I
don't really feel the need to.
- Now you take all the time you need.
Don't worry about the bank.
Your health is all we're concerned with.
- But I've never felt better.
- Complete rest, Topper.
Oh, of course.
If you insist on keeping your hand in,
- Yes.
- It just occurred to me.
One of our depositors has an
income property in New Mexico.
She'd like us to inspect.
- Its just occurred to him, ha.
- It's a, a cattle ranch, Topper.
Just look it over.
Make sure it's under
proper management and,
well, just turn it over
in your mind, Topper.
- No dice, started filing again Marion.
- No no you don't, George, Marion.
[dramatic music]
George, Marion, please.
Oh, just wrestling with my conscience.
- Mm. You better leave just
as soon as you can, Topper.
[audience laughs]
[shoes thud]
[shoes thud]
- Oh, look here, you too.
- Oh, we are only doing it
for you, Topper darling.
- How do you like that hypocrite?
He offers you a rest,
then he be wanting to ship you off,
to New Mexico someplace.
- Yeah.
- If you don't mind, I'm capable
of making my own decisions.
Well, a new wind in New Mexico.
- Say George, it might not
be such a bad idea at that.
A real cattle ranch in the wild West.
- Yeah, might be all right.
I never ran a cattle ranch before.
- Just a simple inspection.
I can handle it myself.
- Oh Topper, you mean we're going?
- I said no such thing.
Now Marion, stop that.
- Topper plug, a time like this,
man calls on his friends.
That's what friends are for.
Topper plug, we'll be a
making that trip with you.
- Or my name ain't Calamity Marion.
C'mon George, let's go out
and round up the boys. [spits]
- Marion, you two. George, Marion,
this is one time you're not going,
you landed me enough trouble.
And although I'm very
proud of you both, I-
Marion, George.
Are you listening to me? George Ma-
- What?
- I was just practicing calling doggies,
for when I get out on the ranch.
Fad.
- You like 'em, Cosmo?
- Hmm? What are they?
- Chaps.
- Chaps?
- For those long days on the saddle.
- Saddle?
- On my capooney Cosmo,
you think they'll fit?
- Your Car pooney?
- [chuckles] Me silly.
Well, do you have
anything suitable to wear?
- Well, I think what I
have on will do nicely.
- Oh really Cosmo,
I don't think you've got the
spirit to be at the old West.
Well I have a lot of packing to do.
I wonder if it gets cold
enough there for my mink coat.
- Well, nothing like roughing it dear.
- Wave to the sky, stranger.
- George, put that thing away.
It makes me nervous.
- Just give it us your dust, hombre,
peaceable like.
- Yeah, peaceable like.
- Would you mind telling me,
where you two think you're going?
- To our spread New Mexico, partner.
- You can't run no ranch
without Tall in The Sand Kerby.
- Perhaps not, but I
have intention of trying.
- Oh Topper, you don't love us anymore.
- That has nothing to do with it, Marion.
This is a matter of business
and I-
- [Mrs. Topper] Cosmo, will
you come help me with this trunk?
- I'll discuss this with your further,
- What's to discuss?
- I'm coming dear.
- Mm.
[dramatic music]
- What is it, George?
- Well, that's a good thing I caught this.
Topper's letter to the ranch foreman.
No, this will never do.
- Well, what does it say?
- Ah, it's banker's language.
"Please be advised when the arrives,
so and so and so and so,
oh no, no, no.
This is very weak.
- Why?
- Why? You can't talk
to no cowboy that way.
Well, he won't work
for you unless you can,
out ride him, out sh**t
him and out fight him.
- Well, that leaves Topper out.
- Yeah.
Well, we'll have to
build him up, that's all.
- George.
- Darling, it's the least we can do.
- Well.
- "Now get this you saddle tramps,"
you think that's strong enough?
[audience laughs]
- "And if you got any
hands in the bunk house
who can't ride sun up to sun down,
on a canteen of water and a can of beans,
tell them to have their saddle
blankets rolled and ready."
Signed Cosmo, The Dude, Topper.
[audience laughs]
Charlie, how about that?
- I quit.
- Oh no, no.
I'm foreman, I get to quit first.
- Let's face it Dave,
our wives wouldn't let us.
- I guess not.
But Cosmo, the Dude, Topper.
- Well, at least it should be interesting.
- He wants to play Roy Rogers does he?
Okay, we can play too.
Get the boys, Charlie.
- Hey, that's good dialogue Dave.
Shall I?
Shall I hit them off with the pass?
[Dave chuckles]
[plane roars]
[train whooshes]
[bus whooshes]
[slow melodic music]
- Well, here we are dear.
- Oh, isn't this thrilling Cosmo?
The smell of the Old West.
- Yes, indeed.
- The vastness and eternal solitude.
- Vastness yes, solitude I'm doubtful of.
- [indistinct] to you romantic, Cosmo?
- Think we missed the start old boy?
- That's speaking of it too much.
- Why Cosmo.
- I mean,
I expected it'd be too much
for me dear, momentarily.
- Spoken like a true Sons of Whip, Topper.
- Mr. Topper.
- Dave Hudgens.
- How do you do?
- Foreman of the Bar M.
- You got my letter then?
- We got it all right.
- Ah, this is Mr. Hudgens
dear, this is Mrs. Topper.
- How do you do, Mr. Hudgens?
- And my assistant Charlie Bartelle.
- Very happy to know you.
- Couple of shitty looking vermits.
- Shall we get started?
- Right this way.
- Their rides are awful close together.
I think they're in with the wrestlers.
- You let them know right
away who's boss, Topper.
- They'll find out soon enough, Henrietta.
- Find out what, Cosmo?
- I haven't found out yet dear.
- Right over here Mr. Topper.
- Oh.
- Mr. Topper, it's all yours.
- Well, what do I do with him?
- From your letter, we
knew you'd wanna ride.
- Remarkable deductions.
- It's only a mile gallop.
- This is a showdown, Topper.
They're just tryna make you lose face.
- Well, my face I'm worried about.
- Beg your pardon?
- I say, he's got a nice face,
for a horse, I mean.
- [Charlie] Shall we give you a leg up?
- I don't think it would be necessary.
- You're darn right I won't.
We're calling their bluff.
Come on Marion.
- Wait a minute, George, Marion.
[dramatic sounds]
[audience laughs]
- [indistinct]
- [George] Don't worry
[indistinct], we got you.
[horse neighs]
[dramatic sounds]
- Cosmo, you come back here.
[dramatic music]
[horse neighs]
- Yippie!
[dramatic music]
- Why Cosmo, I never knew
you were a chic rider.
- One of my lesser accomplishments dear.
See you in the bunk house, hombres
[horse neighs]
[audience laughs]
- Well, I must say the
old boy has courage.
He sure stayed on that horse.
- Yeah, you did a good job
of holding him on dear.
- Yes, I cer-
I wasn't holding him on,
I thought you were holding him on.
- George, Topper's on that horse alone.
- Here Neil, Neil.
[Neil barks]
After him Neil, there's
rescue work to be done.
[audience laughs]
[Neil barks]
- There's nothing like this Western living
to give you an appetite.
- Why don't you sit down, Topper?
- I'm quite comfortable here, Thank you.
[audience laughs]
- [Marion] Ah, poor Toppy.
- [George] Well worth it though,
he won a great victory yesterday.
- One more victory like
that and I'm undone.
- But the important thing is
you won the respect of the men.
- George, do you mind?
- Morning, Cosmo.
- Morning, dear.
- Have a good night?
- Well let's just say I just stood it.
- Well I suppose you'd be
out with the men all day,
roping, sh**ting, riding.
- Oh, I can't there dear.
I should spend the day, with a pencil.
I'm going over the accounts.
Sitting in a swivel chair, buckled up.
- You know best dear,
but after the way you
surprised as all yesterday
with your riding,
I was hopping you'd show the
men how to do their work.
- I dare say,
I could show them in one
or two tricks, Henrietta.
- [George] He taught us a couple.
- Good morning, Mr. Topper,
Mrs. Topper.
- Good morning Mr. Hudgens.
- Morning Hudgens.
You brought the ledgers, I see.
- Yes, sir.
- Mmhh.
- You'll find the inventory
listed right here.
- I see you list , head cattle.
- Just the head?
[audience laughs]
- I thought we could go
over those later, Mr. Topper.
- Why not now?
- The men are all waiting for you outside.
- They are? Why are they waiting?
- They heard the bank sent out a top hand.
- They want to see a handle of the rope
and a g*n.
- What?
No, no, no.
I should've been busy
all day with a pencil.
tons of Timothy hay,
- [George] Topper you got to go,
They'll laugh you right off the ranch.
- No!
- No what?
- No time now.
- [George] Oh come on.
You want them to put you
down as a sheep herder?
- [Marion] We'll help you, Topper.
- No.
Let go, Let go!
- Let go? I'm not even touching you.
- Let's go, we can't keep
the boys waiting, can we?
[footsteps thud]
[audience laugh]
- Charlie here is I best
hand with a g*n, Mr. Topper.
- Oh.
- Would you like to match draws?
- Well, mine are polka
dots with an elastic-
- [Marion] Draws Topper.
- Oh, of course.
- Show him Charlie.
- Oh, it's quite good.
- Yes, now here.
Put this on.
- What? No but really I eh-
- Ready?
- He out drawed you.
- I never even saw his hand move.
- My arthritis slowed me up a bit.
- Oh yeah?
Charlie, show him your tick sh*t.
- Yeah.
- Bonny, serves us a silver
dollar on the fence there.
Step over here, Mr. Topper.
You think you're going to hit that?
- Hit what?
- That silver dollar on the fence.
- What fence?
- [Marion] Better get down there George.
- [George] Okay.
- Quite remarkable.
- He hasn't done the trick yet.
- Oh.
[dramatic music]
[g*nsh*t roars]
- How do you like that?
- Oh, very much.
- You think you can top it?
- Me?
- [Marion] Sure you can Topper,
I'll help you.
- Bonny, set up another dollar.
Draw Mr. Topper.
- [Marion] Ill give it a twirl, Topper.
[audience laughs]
- I swear the g*n did all that by itself.
- Certainly, it's an a*t*matic.
[audience laughs]
Stand back please.
- [Marion] Stand by George.
[audience laughs]
[g*nsh*t roars]
- Look, he knocked the dollar down.
- You, you pointed the wrong way
and still a dollar went down.
- Well, a dollar doesn't
stand up like it used to.
- [George] Let's show them
the real deal, Topper.
[g*nsh*t roars]
[g*nsh*t roars]
[g*nsh*t roars]
[audience laughs]
[g*nsh*t roars]
[g*nsh*t roars]
[g*nsh*t roars]
[audience laughs]
- Something's gotta be done
about this guy Topper, Charlie.
You made a monkey out of
me in front of my own men.
I lay off him Dave,
he's poisoned.
- Sure he's fancy with a rope and a g*n,
but how would he be at
bringing in a bad man?
- Bad men are pretty
scarce these days, Dave.
- One of the boys from
here goes into town,
pretends to get loaded and
threatens to sh**t up the Tavern.
You see Topper going after him?
- Yes.
- Well you're wrong.
- So that's the pitch, huh?
- Come on, we'll get things
set up and I'll prove it ya.
- I still say I'd lay off him Dave,
he is pure poison.
- Here comes the plot, Topper.
- Couple of top issue, Topper,
the Marshall's away hunting him.
Some crazy cold hands
are turning up the cafe.
It's ranch property, sir.
- [George] Don't worry, Topper,
It's only to Shifty the cook.
- What do we do Mr. Topper?
- Best to go around in
the middle of a good hand.
- Cosmo where are you going?
- Don't worry dear,
I'll be right back.
- We need to get saddled up, pronto.
- Oh, you needn't come.
I'll handle it alone.
- You're going to stop a riot alone?
- Well there's only one riot, isn't there?
- Cosmo, I absolutely forbid you to go.
- Man's joy, Henrietta.
Not the slightest danger.
- [George] Well said, Topper.
Let's go.
- [Marion] Wait for me.
- He never turned a hair.
- The coolest thing since Billy the kid.
[door rustles]
[g*nsh*t roars]
- They're in there all right.
- Are you sure you want
to go in there, Mr. Topper?
It might be dangerous.
- Well fellow, what isn't?
- Let me take a look.
[g*nsh*t roars]
[dramatic music]
[g*nsh*t roars]
- Dave, come here.
- What's the matter?
- Matter, there's a
total stranger in there,
I've never seen him before.
- You mean it's for real?
I hope to tell you it's for real.
- Look at em,
wouldn't they be surprised
when Topper goes in there
and then mops up the
fake bad man in there?
- Now I don't know what happen to Shifty.
- Another level Richard Topper,
You can't go in there.
- Would you mind?
I've got to get back
to my Double Solitaire.
- Mr. Topper, please.
- I'll be right out.
- [Marion] I wonder if
he would need us George.
[dramatic music]
- Sorry Shifty ole boy,
the joke's over.
[dramatic music]
- Who are you?
- Nevermind who I am,
who are you?
- Come to take me in, huh?
- You're, you're not from the Bar M.
- I hate the Bar M.
- George, Marion, Marion, George.
- Why I call your friends, you got a g*n,
I got a g*n, we just sh**t it out.
- I can't, I haven't got my g*n.
- I'll just put my g*n on the bar,
- Yes, that's much more friendly.
- Now when I count three we reach.
- George, Marion,
- Oh, shut up. One.
- Marion, George, I need you.
- You won't need em long. Two.
- Answer me.
- I just did, three.
- [George] Thought you
might need us, Topper.
- George.
- [Marion] Better hit him, Topper.
- Fine, but what with?
- [Marion] Here's a g*n.
[thud]
- [George] Harder.
[thud]
[thud]
[thud]
- [George] Oh, I'll do it.
[thud]
[dramatic music]
- We saw everything in
the dark, Mr. Topper,
I take back everything
I ever thought of ya.
You were magnificent.
- Great, what courage!
- Well, thanks.
- Really, you didn't even
have to use the g*n. Terrific.
- Let's go and get the Marshall, boys.
- All in a night's work.
Hiya partner, how about one for the road?
- Anything you say, Tek.
- Bartender.
- Any applies, there stranger.
[audience laughs]
[dramatic music]
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
[upbeat music]
01x30 - Topper Goes West
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Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.
Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.