01x08 - Sexy-Ed

[bunniefuu]

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-ABE LINCOLN: Previously

on a very special Clone High.

Spring Break sprung a leak

in Joan and JFK's relationship.

While Joan and Abe's friendship

sprung back to life.

Harriet figured out Confucius

was her secret admirer.

But Confucius doesn't know

that she knows.

Will he find out that she knows?

Will she find out that he knows

that she knows?

You'll know soon.

But will they know that you know

that they either know

or don't know?

-Now, we're getting somewhere.

-(SCHOOL BUS THUDDING)

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

We are gathered here today

to say a heartbreaking farewell

to the most famous teen couple

since Juliet

and that guy she ghosted, Romeo.

Goodbye, JoanFK.

Or as we will be known

from now on, Joan and JFK.

(CRIES) Why?

We sure have a lot of funerals.

We were gonna go

to Canada together!

I was gonna say

there's something

-I wanna "poutine" your pants!

-(CRIES)

-CRIES)

-Thank you, JFK.

Despite our breakup,

JFK and I will continue

to be dedicated co-parents

-to our beloved tortoise,

Shell Silverstein.

-(MUNCHES)

As you know,

Shell has been with us

through the most pivotal moments

of this semester.

It's not your fault, little man.

Your parents love you very much.

Just not enough

to stay together.

-(MUNCHES, CRIES)

-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪

Another woman free

from the patriarchal shackles

-of misogynistic

courting rituals.

-(JFK CRIES)

Yeah, and Joan is single.

And I'm single.

And there's potential to mingle

and possibly tingle.

Wait, you like Joan?

Yeah, it's been a secret

I practically never talk about

to everyone within earshot.

-RIP, JoanFK.

-(CRIES)

No! They need to see this!

(CRIES)

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-It's becoming clearer

which clones have the potential

we need to be world leaders.

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC FADES) ♪

-JAXXON: Harriet's made

a late break on the inside,

but unfortunately, Confucius

is not as wise as we assumed.

That means Joan and JFK

hold the top two positions.

Those aren't the only positions

those two are holding.

-What are you talking about?

-Joan and JFK are dating!

We might have a power couple

on our hands.

This is extremely good news!

Maybe there's space for the two

of you on this board after all.

-Wonderful!

-Could be another power couple

-brewing right here. (CHUCKLES)

-Ugh!

Now, what are we ordering

for lunch?

Somebody fetch me

the menu binder!

Skipper,

we are not doing poke again.

Then I don't want to eat.

Oh, dear. Joan and JFK broke up.

What? No! You heard the Board.

They love JoanFK as a couple!

There has to be some way

to get them back together!

-Mr. B, think of a plan!

-Uh!

Well, my friends in Texas

told me

that teaching sexual education

causes teens to have more sex.

We use sex ed to encourage them

to have sex

and get back together!

Don't act like it was your idea,

Mr. B.

See, this is why people

have trouble with robots.

It's settled. Let us implement

mandatory sexual education!

I'll do you one better, Candide.

Saxual education! (VOCALIZES)

♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION

OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

We're almost done

sexifying every room,

-so no matter

where Joan and JFK are...

-(CLATTERING)

...they won't be able to resist

getting back together.

And with my saxophone skills,

how could anyone

not be in the mood for love?

♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪

'Kay, I'm a little rusty.

♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪

(GAGS) Ah, sh*t!

♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

And meet our new sex-ed teacher,

-Miss Diane Grumbles.

-♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC STOPS) ♪

I will be teaching

Sexual Education --.

(CHUCKLES) Wink.

Meow! She could inspire anyone

to get in the mood.

Scudworth!

The halls are full of seamen.

We're here with the oysters

for the students' lunches.

Where do you want us seamen

dropping our load?

Well, for starters, my mouth!

(CHUCKLES)

Apologies.

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(JFK CRYING)

JFK, I know you're sad

about your breakup,

but I need your advice.

We've been texting for weeks,

but Harriet has no idea

that I'm @definitelyahotguy.

What if she's totally bummed

when she finds out it's me?

I can't wait until Confucius

tells me the truth,

so we can turn our internet love

into reality-TV-level love.

You know, love that lasts.

-(CRIES)

-(SCREAMS)

Harriet texted

@definitelyahotguy.

She wants to meet IRL!

What do I do?

I don't know who IRL is,

but you gotta reveal yourself

to Harriet before that IRL guy

steals her! (CRIES)

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪

-So what you're saying is,

I need to do an over-the-top

elaborate introduction

that will totally blow her away.

I love it!

Yeah, how long should I wait

to tell Joan how I feel

about her

while also giving her time

to recover from her breakup?

Ten minutes?

No, that's way too short.

Twelve minutes?

As the son of a mother,

I know about women.

And I think

you should give Joan more space.

Man, neither one of you know

how to talk to women.

Y'all just need to be chill.

-Hey!

-(GASPS)

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-I had so much fun with you

at Arroyo Fest.

And I don't usually like fun.

-Also me. Farroyo Mest. Uh...

-What?

What am I saying? I'm, like,

"What?" (CHUCKLES)

I've never seen you

nervous before. (GASPS)

(SING-SONG) You like Cleo.

Neener, neener, neener.

(SHUSHES) No, I don't!

I don't think she's into me

like that.

And I'm not nervous,

I'm super chill,

-like always. (GRUNTS)

-(CLATTERING)

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-So, there's this hot,

new French movie...

about these two

th century countesses,

but their love was forbidden.

Maybe we could go

see it or whatever?

(GULPS) Uh.

-I-- I-- I'm allergic to movies.

Okay, bye.

-♪ (MUSIC RISES, FADES) ♪

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

-(BRICK WALLS SMASHING)

-(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

-SEAMEN: ♪ We are the seamen ♪

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Hey, you, John Fitzgerald,

I need to grab some of my stuff

from your locker.

Of course. Here, let me see.

You wore these

when we went to Makeout Cove!

Named for Ron Makeout,

inventor of the ,

the threesome

where one guy just stands there.

Of course,

it's just sex-related stuff.

I'm also here for Shell.

It's my day to watch him.

-I'm sure you could use a break.

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪

What's that supposed to mean?

Are you saying

I'm not a good parent?

No. We just agreed

that I'd take him

to third period, remember?

Biology? You're going to expose

him to that?

-What kind of mother are you?

-Um, okay. Look,

I know you're still hurting

and still processing everything.

We'd both be better off

if we never saw you again!

Well, too bad because Shell

belongs to both of us!

There is no "us" anymore!

So, if I have to lose you

then you have to lose Shell!

I'll see you in court!

No, I'll see you in court!

I'm getting custody of our son!

(JFK CRIES)

Hmm.

CONFUCIUS: Remember,

cue the finale

when I get to the bottom

of the stairs. Music!

♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(BEEPS)

-Huh? (GASPS)

CONFUCIUS: ♪ Why do b-- ♪

(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS)

-(BIRDS CHIRP)

-(CHIRPS)

-(HAWK SCREECHES)

CONFUCIUS: (SOBBING)

God, I ruined it. I'm sorry.

Don't take the tuba off.

You don't need to know who I am.

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Confucius, you don't need

to try so hard.

I knew you were

@definitelyahotguy all along.

And I still like you.

CONFUCIUS: You do?

You're not let down?

Even after I just

super beefed it?

-(CLATTERING)

-I'm the opposite of let down,

and I want to shout it

from the rooftops!

We're a couple!

Yes! Let's announce

in the most romantic way

that teens know how.

BOTH:

An unsupervised house party,

announcing our relationship

to the whole school!

Jinx. You owe me a kiss.

-(BOTH SMOOCH)

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

-(CHALK SQUEAKING)

-Lesson number one.

As everyone knows,

when you have sex with someone,

you are having sex with everyone

they've ever had sex with.

Isn't that hot?

For our next exercise,

we're gonna put the fake sperm

into the fake egg.

You'll be partnered up,

just like in sex.

♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I'll come up with pairs.

The first one is Joan and JFK.

-Absolutely not.

-I refuse.

The rest of you, figure it out.

So, what do ya say, Frida?

Do you wanna be my partner?

I-- I already have one!

My backpack! Hi, partner!

♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Where's your partner,

Abe Lincoln?

When everyone made eye contact

to pick partners,

I was busy looking at the face

in the ceiling, Miss Grumbles.

(CACKLES)

-Call me Diane.

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-You know...

-Uh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

...Lincoln was my favorite

president. (CHUCKLES)

-Mine too, Diane!

-Blood wasn't the only thing

original Abe Lincoln liked

to spray around the cheap seats.

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

-How about you stay after class?

-Oh, sh**t, Diane.

Thanks for having

my best interests at heart

but it's time to tell the girl

I always loved that I love her!

Why love a girl

when you can love a woman

who invented

the missionary position?

-Oh, you. What a character!

-TOPHER BUS: Hmm.

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(SIGHS) She's perfect.

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

-Wait! You can't tell Joan

how you feel

if you're a virgin

and she's not.

But I-- Isn't virginity

a social construct?

Ya know, like brunch?

Look, Joan has had a lot of sex

with JFK

and he's had a lot of sex

with everybody,

so he's really good at sex.

Compared to him,

you'll be terrible.

Oh, jeez, you're right.

Okay, but even if I wanted

to get some sexual experience,

who would I lose

my precious virginity to?

Who's had more sex than JFK?

-Abe! Yoo-hoo!

-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪

-(COUGHING)

-Miss Grumbles is perfect!

I heard she had sex

with Billy Bob Thornton,

who had sex with Angelina Jolie,

who had sex with Colin Farrell!

Don't you wanna be able

to have sex like Colin Farrell?

-Who wouldn't?

-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪

I don't know.

She's got a lot of experience.

-I-- I gotta think about it.

-Excuse me, young sir.

We gotta get these here oysters

into the cafeteria

and if you don't let us by,

we'll find a way.

We're the seamen.

♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING, FADES) ♪

You're being unreasonable!

I'm Shell's mother.

Well, I'm his father!

And I brought counsel.

-The head of the debate team.

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-I second that emotion!

-I also brought counsel.

The other head

of the debate team.

Oh, we're coming

for everything you got.

-(ALL GRUNT)

-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪

A little saxophone

-to stimulate the pheromones?

-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪

Time to address the elephant

in the room.

You don't even know

what you're talking about!

-He's a turtle!

-He's a tortoise!

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-What kind of father

wouldn't know that?

Joan wants full custody.

JFK is not a suitable parent.

-He's emotionally volatile--

-You take that back!

I'm extremely calm,

you dumb do-dos!

You're not gonna win this,

Sacagawea!

-I was a debate captain.

-Twenty years ago!

Your debate skills are like you.

Freezer b*rned.

-Ouch.

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS,

SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪

But wow. Your clone mother

may have been a guide,

but I'm lost... in your eyes.

-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪

-And your clone father

may have been

a peanut scientist...

(INHALES) ...but I want to have

sex with you. (SMOOCHES)

-Ugh!

-Hmm, that gives me an idea.

-Maybe you and I could also--

-Are you out of your mind?

I'm taking Shell. We're done!

♪ (SAXOPHONE STOPS PLAYING) ♪

(SCREAMS) I'm aflame! Quick!

Pat me with those couch cushions

we illegally took the tags

off of.

I assume they're not...

(SCREAMS) ...flammable!

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

-Rager tonight! My house!

-♪ (MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-No parents!

Totally unsupervised!

Confucius and I are a couple!

He's my boyfriend!

And she's my girlfriend!

We're a thing!

Yo! Come destroy my parents'

delicate home

filled with priceless antiques,

everybody!

Who has a rager on a Thursday?

I have no desire to destroy

priceless antiques. Hard pass.

-Harder pass! (SPITS)

-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(SHELL SILVERSTEIN COOS)

-Oh, there, buddy!

He doesn't know he can't swim.

A lot of us try to do things

we don't know how to do.

It's how we learn to do them.

I wish someone could teach me

how to handle this breakup

with JFK.

It's the hardest thing

I've ever had to do.

Hey, just know,

you can do hard things.

Because even though you're soft

and oogly on the inside,

you're strong and hard

on the outside.

Like Shell, your foster son,

who you have proven

that you have loved

for many weeks now.

Thanks for saying that, Abe.

Well, maybe tonight,

you and I can--

-Oh, crap, he's drowning.

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

(GASPS)

♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC

PLAYING) ♪

-(COUGHS)

-I know what I have to do now.

You doing what you

don't wanna do is inspiring me

to do who I don't want to do...

-(COUGHS)

-...but I have to do.

-For what I want.

-(COUGHS)

-Aw.

-♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪

-(GROANS, GASPS)

-(MUNCHES)

Huh?

JOAN OF ARC: Our tortoise son

needs his father.

Raise him well.

We won, buddy boy!

We did it! (LAUGHS)

Now, I can tell Abe

how I really feel.

I have to do this for Joan.

-So do I.

-(PHONE BEEPS)

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Well, hello, Mr. President.

Hi, Miss Grumbles. (GULPS)

I'm pretty nervous.

Let me put on some modern music

to help the mood.

-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING

OVER GRAMOPHONE) ♪

-Wink.

It's okay for a teacher

and a minor to be together

-if it's love.

-Uh...

But we have to keep this

a secret

or we'll both go to jail.

That's the law,

don't bother to look it up.

I don't wanna go to jail.

I'm a winter,

so orange is a no for me.

Oh, let me slip something off

to feel more comfortable.

(SLURPS)

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(GROANS)

(SLURPS, SMOOCHES)

I can feel all of your previous

sexual partners

offering me

their carnal knowledge.

Oh, it's more

than I was expecting!

(GRUNTS) So many, it's too many!

I'm sorry but I can't do this.

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪

-Thank you for the opportunity

but I-- I must decline.

-Uh, Miss Grumbles?

-(SQUEAKS)

(BURPS) Excuse me.

Miss Grumbles,

I have the cucumbers

you asked for. Ah sh*t!

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-(SLURPS)

-(SLURPS)

I love eating oysters.

Did you know

that they're an aphrodisiac?

Uh. Yeah. I-- I didn't know

you liked oyster eating too.

It's crazy. I used to think

we were complete opposites.

I see now that we have so much

in common.

Most people are so annoying.

-But you? I don't know.

-(GULPS)

-You just seem different.

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪

You're different!

I go do karate now!

Hey, you and Cleo want to come

to our party?

I go do karate now! (GRUNTS)

If no one comes to our party,

are we even a couple?

Uh. Maybe she'll take a flyer

after karate.

Don't you get it?

There is no karate! (GROANS)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(GRUNTS) Both sexual and saxual

education were a bust!

Joan and JFK are showing

-no signs

of getting back together!

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FADES) ♪

Also, the "statutory-r*pe-

death-by-orgasm" situation

is very troubling.

-(GASPS)

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS,

FADES) ♪

I'll take care of it.

Attention clones,

especially Joan and JFK.

Do not go to Confucius

and Harriet's party and hook up.

But we do want them to hook up!

An authority figure telling me

not to do something?

Now, I have to do it!

ALL: Party horny! Party horny!

Uh, yeah. I guess that worked.

The trap is set.

Now, the fun begins.

So, we're not

telling the police.

♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC

PLAYING) ♪

MR. BUTLERTRON: I like the way

this party is currently going!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Babe, our party's a hit!

Everyone here is shipping us

so hard right now.

I can't believe

every bedroom's already in use.

I'm so proud of us.

-Joan. (GRUNTS)

-(SMOOCHING)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Let's talk Grumbles.

Sorry, I can't hide my feelings

from Joan.

I may not have

the sexual experience

because Miss Grumbles d*ed

before we even got past

first base,

but I have the sexual heart.

I don't care if I'm a virgin,

I'm gonna tell her how I feel!

Not so fast. I wouldn't do that,

unless you want me

to show her this!

Oops. Sorry, monitoring that one

for weird edges.

Nope. Nope. Yup!

(GASPS) Why are you

blackmailing me?

Ah! You can't say blackmailing!

I'm-- I'm White leveraging.

-Because my true crush is Joan.

-What?

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-I can't fight my attraction

to a White woman.

And if you even think

about putting those

gangly fingers of yours

anywhere near her,

I'll show her this!

Wrong one, again!

I do a lot of White leveraging.

JOAN: Abe?

Can we talk?

This break up with JFK

has really made me think

about what's important in life.

And you're right up

at the top of the list.

-Grumbles.

-Is there any chance

you'd maybe want to hang out

sometime, just us?

Uh... No! I'm sorry but no.

There are reasons

but I can't explain them!

-I must be vague!

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC

PLAYING) ♪

-(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Oh, sorry, bish. I'm taking up

the whole-ass balcony.

How do you not want this?

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(IN FRENCH)

(IN FRENCH)

(SMOOCHES)

-(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

-♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-♪ ("EVERYTHING ABOUT ME"

PLAYING) ♪

JFK,

you're an amazing turtle dad.

Tortoise dad.

I'm a tortoise dad.

-(SNIFFLES)

-♪ Nowadays, people say

We're good together ♪

♪ I smile

Say I'm happy that I met her ♪

♪ Why's it feeling like

It's taking so much effort? ♪

♪ And why is nothing that I do

Making it better? ♪

♪ I've been tryna put

The two of us behind me ♪

-(MUFFLED SCREAM)

-♪ Every time she says

I want you ♪

♪ It reminds me ♪

♪ Of how you showed up

In the middle of the night, we ♪

♪ Spent forever talkin' about

What we might be ♪

-♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

-(MUFFLED) JFK?

Joan, I realized Shell's needs

are more important than mine

-and he needs you.

-Wow. You've really grown.

You know what else has grown?

My big throbbing...

-Um...

-...heart.

Sorry, the breakup got so ugly.

I felt like I was just hurting,

but we both were.

-Wanna share custody?

-(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw, JFK.

-♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC

PLAYING) ♪

-(SMOOCHES)

(GASPS)

(MOANS) Oh, Joan.

Oh, I knew we weren't over.

Oh, no, JFK. I-- I'm still

attracted to you, of course,

but I-- I think, maybe,

we're meant for other people.

♪ (MUSIC DECRESCENDOS) ♪

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Oh, I think

it's best for both of us

if I go have meaningless sex

with the Brontë sisters.

But it will bring me no joy.

Well, fleeting joy,

three separate times.

But that's it.

Fare thee well, Joan.

Fare thee well.

♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(GRUNTS)

Ah! Go for it.

-(SMOOCHES)

-(SCREECHES)

-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

-(GASPS)

-(SCREECHES)

-(GROANS)

-♪ (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-What are we

going to do, Candide?

Joan and JFK

are officially done-zo.

(GROANS) Stupid saxophone!

Your perverted plan

was never gonna work

-in the first place.

-My plan?

-I did-- (GROANS)

-I'll just tell the Board

you blew it again,

Scudworthless.

My knee is broken!

I can see bone!

You should

really get more calcium.

Party's over. Hose ‘em down!

(ALL SCREAM)

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

-Wet T-shirt contest!

-(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION

OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪