-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Previously
on a very special Clone High.
Spring Break sprung a leak
in Joan and JFK's relationship.
While Joan and Abe's friendship
sprung back to life.
Harriet figured out Confucius
was her secret admirer.
But Confucius doesn't know
that she knows.
Will he find out that she knows?
Will she find out that he knows
that she knows?
You'll know soon.
But will they know that you know
that they either know
or don't know?
-Now, we're getting somewhere.
-(SCHOOL BUS THUDDING)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
We are gathered here today
to say a heartbreaking farewell
to the most famous teen couple
since Juliet
and that guy she ghosted, Romeo.
Goodbye, JoanFK.
Or as we will be known
from now on, Joan and JFK.
(CRIES) Why?
We sure have a lot of funerals.
We were gonna go
to Canada together!
I was gonna say
there's something
-I wanna "poutine" your pants!
-(CRIES)
-CRIES)
-Thank you, JFK.
Despite our breakup,
JFK and I will continue
to be dedicated co-parents
-to our beloved tortoise,
Shell Silverstein.
-(MUNCHES)
As you know,
Shell has been with us
through the most pivotal moments
of this semester.
It's not your fault, little man.
Your parents love you very much.
Just not enough
to stay together.
-(MUNCHES, CRIES)
-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪
Another woman free
from the patriarchal shackles
-of misogynistic
courting rituals.
-(JFK CRIES)
Yeah, and Joan is single.
And I'm single.
And there's potential to mingle
and possibly tingle.
Wait, you like Joan?
Yeah, it's been a secret
I practically never talk about
to everyone within earshot.
-RIP, JoanFK.
-(CRIES)
No! They need to see this!
(CRIES)
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-It's becoming clearer
which clones have the potential
we need to be world leaders.
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC FADES) ♪
-JAXXON: Harriet's made
a late break on the inside,
but unfortunately, Confucius
is not as wise as we assumed.
That means Joan and JFK
hold the top two positions.
Those aren't the only positions
those two are holding.
-What are you talking about?
-Joan and JFK are dating!
We might have a power couple
on our hands.
This is extremely good news!
Maybe there's space for the two
of you on this board after all.
-Wonderful!
-Could be another power couple
-brewing right here. (CHUCKLES)
-Ugh!
Now, what are we ordering
for lunch?
Somebody fetch me
the menu binder!
Skipper,
we are not doing poke again.
Then I don't want to eat.
Oh, dear. Joan and JFK broke up.
What? No! You heard the Board.
They love JoanFK as a couple!
There has to be some way
to get them back together!
-Mr. B, think of a plan!
-Uh!
Well, my friends in Texas
told me
that teaching sexual education
causes teens to have more sex.
We use sex ed to encourage them
to have sex
and get back together!
Don't act like it was your idea,
Mr. B.
See, this is why people
have trouble with robots.
It's settled. Let us implement
mandatory sexual education!
I'll do you one better, Candide.
Saxual education! (VOCALIZES)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION
OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
We're almost done
sexifying every room,
-so no matter
where Joan and JFK are...
-(CLATTERING)
...they won't be able to resist
getting back together.
And with my saxophone skills,
how could anyone
not be in the mood for love?
♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪
'Kay, I'm a little rusty.
♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪
(GAGS) Ah, sh*t!
♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And meet our new sex-ed teacher,
-Miss Diane Grumbles.
-♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC STOPS) ♪
I will be teaching
Sexual Education --.
(CHUCKLES) Wink.
Meow! She could inspire anyone
to get in the mood.
Scudworth!
The halls are full of seamen.
We're here with the oysters
for the students' lunches.
Where do you want us seamen
dropping our load?
Well, for starters, my mouth!
(CHUCKLES)
Apologies.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(JFK CRYING)
JFK, I know you're sad
about your breakup,
but I need your advice.
We've been texting for weeks,
but Harriet has no idea
that I'm @definitelyahotguy.
What if she's totally bummed
when she finds out it's me?
I can't wait until Confucius
tells me the truth,
so we can turn our internet love
into reality-TV-level love.
You know, love that lasts.
-(CRIES)
-(SCREAMS)
Harriet texted
@definitelyahotguy.
She wants to meet IRL!
What do I do?
I don't know who IRL is,
but you gotta reveal yourself
to Harriet before that IRL guy
steals her! (CRIES)
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪
-So what you're saying is,
I need to do an over-the-top
elaborate introduction
that will totally blow her away.
I love it!
Yeah, how long should I wait
to tell Joan how I feel
about her
while also giving her time
to recover from her breakup?
Ten minutes?
No, that's way too short.
Twelve minutes?
As the son of a mother,
I know about women.
And I think
you should give Joan more space.
Man, neither one of you know
how to talk to women.
Y'all just need to be chill.
-Hey!
-(GASPS)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-I had so much fun with you
at Arroyo Fest.
And I don't usually like fun.
-Also me. Farroyo Mest. Uh...
-What?
What am I saying? I'm, like,
"What?" (CHUCKLES)
I've never seen you
nervous before. (GASPS)
(SING-SONG) You like Cleo.
Neener, neener, neener.
(SHUSHES) No, I don't!
I don't think she's into me
like that.
And I'm not nervous,
I'm super chill,
-like always. (GRUNTS)
-(CLATTERING)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-So, there's this hot,
new French movie...
about these two
th century countesses,
but their love was forbidden.
Maybe we could go
see it or whatever?
(GULPS) Uh.
-I-- I-- I'm allergic to movies.
Okay, bye.
-♪ (MUSIC RISES, FADES) ♪
-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-(BRICK WALLS SMASHING)
-(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
-SEAMEN: ♪ We are the seamen ♪
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Hey, you, John Fitzgerald,
I need to grab some of my stuff
from your locker.
Of course. Here, let me see.
You wore these
when we went to Makeout Cove!
Named for Ron Makeout,
inventor of the ,
the threesome
where one guy just stands there.
Of course,
it's just sex-related stuff.
I'm also here for Shell.
It's my day to watch him.
-I'm sure you could use a break.
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪
What's that supposed to mean?
Are you saying
I'm not a good parent?
No. We just agreed
that I'd take him
to third period, remember?
Biology? You're going to expose
him to that?
-What kind of mother are you?
-Um, okay. Look,
I know you're still hurting
and still processing everything.
We'd both be better off
if we never saw you again!
Well, too bad because Shell
belongs to both of us!
There is no "us" anymore!
So, if I have to lose you
then you have to lose Shell!
I'll see you in court!
No, I'll see you in court!
I'm getting custody of our son!
(JFK CRIES)
Hmm.
CONFUCIUS: Remember,
cue the finale
when I get to the bottom
of the stairs. Music!
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BEEPS)
-Huh? (GASPS)
CONFUCIUS: ♪ Why do b-- ♪
(SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS)
-(BIRDS CHIRP)
-(CHIRPS)
-(HAWK SCREECHES)
CONFUCIUS: (SOBBING)
God, I ruined it. I'm sorry.
Don't take the tuba off.
You don't need to know who I am.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Confucius, you don't need
to try so hard.
I knew you were
@definitelyahotguy all along.
And I still like you.
CONFUCIUS: You do?
You're not let down?
Even after I just
super beefed it?
-(CLATTERING)
-I'm the opposite of let down,
and I want to shout it
from the rooftops!
We're a couple!
Yes! Let's announce
in the most romantic way
that teens know how.
BOTH:
An unsupervised house party,
announcing our relationship
to the whole school!
Jinx. You owe me a kiss.
-(BOTH SMOOCH)
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(CHALK SQUEAKING)
-Lesson number one.
As everyone knows,
when you have sex with someone,
you are having sex with everyone
they've ever had sex with.
Isn't that hot?
For our next exercise,
we're gonna put the fake sperm
into the fake egg.
You'll be partnered up,
just like in sex.
♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'll come up with pairs.
The first one is Joan and JFK.
-Absolutely not.
-I refuse.
The rest of you, figure it out.
So, what do ya say, Frida?
Do you wanna be my partner?
I-- I already have one!
My backpack! Hi, partner!
♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Where's your partner,
Abe Lincoln?
When everyone made eye contact
to pick partners,
I was busy looking at the face
in the ceiling, Miss Grumbles.
(CACKLES)
-Call me Diane.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-You know...
-Uh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
...Lincoln was my favorite
president. (CHUCKLES)
-Mine too, Diane!
-Blood wasn't the only thing
original Abe Lincoln liked
to spray around the cheap seats.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-How about you stay after class?
-Oh, sh**t, Diane.
Thanks for having
my best interests at heart
but it's time to tell the girl
I always loved that I love her!
Why love a girl
when you can love a woman
who invented
the missionary position?
-Oh, you. What a character!
-TOPHER BUS: Hmm.
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SIGHS) She's perfect.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Wait! You can't tell Joan
how you feel
if you're a virgin
and she's not.
But I-- Isn't virginity
a social construct?
Ya know, like brunch?
Look, Joan has had a lot of sex
with JFK
and he's had a lot of sex
with everybody,
so he's really good at sex.
Compared to him,
you'll be terrible.
Oh, jeez, you're right.
Okay, but even if I wanted
to get some sexual experience,
who would I lose
my precious virginity to?
Who's had more sex than JFK?
-Abe! Yoo-hoo!
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
-(COUGHING)
-Miss Grumbles is perfect!
I heard she had sex
with Billy Bob Thornton,
who had sex with Angelina Jolie,
who had sex with Colin Farrell!
Don't you wanna be able
to have sex like Colin Farrell?
-Who wouldn't?
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
I don't know.
She's got a lot of experience.
-I-- I gotta think about it.
-Excuse me, young sir.
We gotta get these here oysters
into the cafeteria
and if you don't let us by,
we'll find a way.
We're the seamen.
♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING, FADES) ♪
You're being unreasonable!
I'm Shell's mother.
Well, I'm his father!
And I brought counsel.
-The head of the debate team.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-I second that emotion!
-I also brought counsel.
The other head
of the debate team.
Oh, we're coming
for everything you got.
-(ALL GRUNT)
-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
A little saxophone
-to stimulate the pheromones?
-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
Time to address the elephant
in the room.
You don't even know
what you're talking about!
-He's a turtle!
-He's a tortoise!
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What kind of father
wouldn't know that?
Joan wants full custody.
JFK is not a suitable parent.
-He's emotionally volatile--
-You take that back!
I'm extremely calm,
you dumb do-dos!
You're not gonna win this,
Sacagawea!
-I was a debate captain.
-Twenty years ago!
Your debate skills are like you.
Freezer b*rned.
-Ouch.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS,
SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
But wow. Your clone mother
may have been a guide,
but I'm lost... in your eyes.
-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
-And your clone father
may have been
a peanut scientist...
(INHALES) ...but I want to have
sex with you. (SMOOCHES)
-Ugh!
-Hmm, that gives me an idea.
-Maybe you and I could also--
-Are you out of your mind?
I'm taking Shell. We're done!
♪ (SAXOPHONE STOPS PLAYING) ♪
(SCREAMS) I'm aflame! Quick!
Pat me with those couch cushions
we illegally took the tags
off of.
I assume they're not...
(SCREAMS) ...flammable!
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-Rager tonight! My house!
-♪ (MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-No parents!
Totally unsupervised!
Confucius and I are a couple!
He's my boyfriend!
And she's my girlfriend!
We're a thing!
Yo! Come destroy my parents'
delicate home
filled with priceless antiques,
everybody!
Who has a rager on a Thursday?
I have no desire to destroy
priceless antiques. Hard pass.
-Harder pass! (SPITS)
-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SHELL SILVERSTEIN COOS)
-Oh, there, buddy!
He doesn't know he can't swim.
A lot of us try to do things
we don't know how to do.
It's how we learn to do them.
I wish someone could teach me
how to handle this breakup
with JFK.
It's the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
Hey, just know,
you can do hard things.
Because even though you're soft
and oogly on the inside,
you're strong and hard
on the outside.
Like Shell, your foster son,
who you have proven
that you have loved
for many weeks now.
Thanks for saying that, Abe.
Well, maybe tonight,
you and I can--
-Oh, crap, he's drowning.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
(GASPS)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
-(COUGHS)
-I know what I have to do now.
You doing what you
don't wanna do is inspiring me
to do who I don't want to do...
-(COUGHS)
-...but I have to do.
-For what I want.
-(COUGHS)
-Aw.
-♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(GROANS, GASPS)
-(MUNCHES)
Huh?
JOAN OF ARC: Our tortoise son
needs his father.
Raise him well.
We won, buddy boy!
We did it! (LAUGHS)
Now, I can tell Abe
how I really feel.
I have to do this for Joan.
-So do I.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Well, hello, Mr. President.
Hi, Miss Grumbles. (GULPS)
I'm pretty nervous.
Let me put on some modern music
to help the mood.
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
OVER GRAMOPHONE) ♪
-Wink.
It's okay for a teacher
and a minor to be together
-if it's love.
-Uh...
But we have to keep this
a secret
or we'll both go to jail.
That's the law,
don't bother to look it up.
I don't wanna go to jail.
I'm a winter,
so orange is a no for me.
Oh, let me slip something off
to feel more comfortable.
(SLURPS)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GROANS)
(SLURPS, SMOOCHES)
I can feel all of your previous
sexual partners
offering me
their carnal knowledge.
Oh, it's more
than I was expecting!
(GRUNTS) So many, it's too many!
I'm sorry but I can't do this.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪
-Thank you for the opportunity
but I-- I must decline.
-Uh, Miss Grumbles?
-(SQUEAKS)
(BURPS) Excuse me.
Miss Grumbles,
I have the cucumbers
you asked for. Ah sh*t!
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(SLURPS)
-(SLURPS)
I love eating oysters.
Did you know
that they're an aphrodisiac?
Uh. Yeah. I-- I didn't know
you liked oyster eating too.
It's crazy. I used to think
we were complete opposites.
I see now that we have so much
in common.
Most people are so annoying.
-But you? I don't know.
-(GULPS)
-You just seem different.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪
You're different!
I go do karate now!
Hey, you and Cleo want to come
to our party?
I go do karate now! (GRUNTS)
If no one comes to our party,
are we even a couple?
Uh. Maybe she'll take a flyer
after karate.
Don't you get it?
There is no karate! (GROANS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS) Both sexual and saxual
education were a bust!
Joan and JFK are showing
-no signs
of getting back together!
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FADES) ♪
Also, the "statutory-r*pe-
death-by-orgasm" situation
is very troubling.
-(GASPS)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS,
FADES) ♪
I'll take care of it.
Attention clones,
especially Joan and JFK.
Do not go to Confucius
and Harriet's party and hook up.
But we do want them to hook up!
An authority figure telling me
not to do something?
Now, I have to do it!
ALL: Party horny! Party horny!
Uh, yeah. I guess that worked.
The trap is set.
Now, the fun begins.
So, we're not
telling the police.
♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
MR. BUTLERTRON: I like the way
this party is currently going!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Babe, our party's a hit!
Everyone here is shipping us
so hard right now.
I can't believe
every bedroom's already in use.
I'm so proud of us.
-Joan. (GRUNTS)
-(SMOOCHING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
Let's talk Grumbles.
Sorry, I can't hide my feelings
from Joan.
I may not have
the sexual experience
because Miss Grumbles d*ed
before we even got past
first base,
but I have the sexual heart.
I don't care if I'm a virgin,
I'm gonna tell her how I feel!
Not so fast. I wouldn't do that,
unless you want me
to show her this!
Oops. Sorry, monitoring that one
for weird edges.
Nope. Nope. Yup!
(GASPS) Why are you
blackmailing me?
Ah! You can't say blackmailing!
I'm-- I'm White leveraging.
-Because my true crush is Joan.
-What?
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-I can't fight my attraction
to a White woman.
And if you even think
about putting those
gangly fingers of yours
anywhere near her,
I'll show her this!
Wrong one, again!
I do a lot of White leveraging.
JOAN: Abe?
Can we talk?
This break up with JFK
has really made me think
about what's important in life.
And you're right up
at the top of the list.
-Grumbles.
-Is there any chance
you'd maybe want to hang out
sometime, just us?
Uh... No! I'm sorry but no.
There are reasons
but I can't explain them!
-I must be vague!
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
-(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Oh, sorry, bish. I'm taking up
the whole-ass balcony.
How do you not want this?
♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(IN FRENCH)
(IN FRENCH)
(SMOOCHES)
-(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
-♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-♪ ("EVERYTHING ABOUT ME"
PLAYING) ♪
JFK,
you're an amazing turtle dad.
Tortoise dad.
I'm a tortoise dad.
-(SNIFFLES)
-♪ Nowadays, people say
We're good together ♪
♪ I smile
Say I'm happy that I met her ♪
♪ Why's it feeling like
It's taking so much effort? ♪
♪ And why is nothing that I do
Making it better? ♪
♪ I've been tryna put
The two of us behind me ♪
-(MUFFLED SCREAM)
-♪ Every time she says
I want you ♪
♪ It reminds me ♪
♪ Of how you showed up
In the middle of the night, we ♪
♪ Spent forever talkin' about
What we might be ♪
-♪ (SONG FADES) ♪
-(MUFFLED) JFK?
Joan, I realized Shell's needs
are more important than mine
-and he needs you.
-Wow. You've really grown.
You know what else has grown?
My big throbbing...
-Um...
-...heart.
Sorry, the breakup got so ugly.
I felt like I was just hurting,
but we both were.
-Wanna share custody?
-(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw, JFK.
-♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
-(SMOOCHES)
(GASPS)
(MOANS) Oh, Joan.
Oh, I knew we weren't over.
Oh, no, JFK. I-- I'm still
attracted to you, of course,
but I-- I think, maybe,
we're meant for other people.
♪ (MUSIC DECRESCENDOS) ♪
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oh, I think
it's best for both of us
if I go have meaningless sex
with the Brontë sisters.
But it will bring me no joy.
Well, fleeting joy,
three separate times.
But that's it.
Fare thee well, Joan.
Fare thee well.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GRUNTS)
Ah! Go for it.
-(SMOOCHES)
-(SCREECHES)
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-(GASPS)
-(SCREECHES)
-(GROANS)
-♪ (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What are we
going to do, Candide?
Joan and JFK
are officially done-zo.
(GROANS) Stupid saxophone!
Your perverted plan
was never gonna work
-in the first place.
-My plan?
-I did-- (GROANS)
-I'll just tell the Board
you blew it again,
Scudworthless.
My knee is broken!
I can see bone!
You should
really get more calcium.
Party's over. Hose ‘em down!
(ALL SCREAM)
♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Wet T-shirt contest!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION
OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪
01x08 - Sexy-Ed
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Historical figures who have been cloned and placed back in high school to face the trials of normal teenage life.
Historical figures who have been cloned and placed back in high school to face the trials of normal teenage life.