01x04 - Don't Do That Thing You Do

[bunniefuu]

[narrator] And so the dominant

lion reigns supreme,

having once again asserted his leadership

and taken a fresh,

dead zebra as his prize.

You know, Elena, if I was a lion

and you were my lioness,

I'd give you the whole top

part of the zebra.

I'd even give you that leg

over there by the rock.

Shh!

[narrator] And so, as the African

day melts into twilight,

we bid a fond good night to the

slumbering, well fed Simba.

[snoring]

Lion King!

Four star, the first feel-good

film of the year.

That's how the people who study

animals for a living do it,

now it's your turn.

I'm going to pair you up

and I want each team to pick an animal,

study its behavior and present your

results in class, alright?

Cory, you'll be with Suzanne,

Marcus, you'll--

Not with T.J.

Alright. Morris, you're with T.J.

Alright! a*t*matic "A," baby.

"A," "A," "A."

Just call me Pinky,

'cause I just got the brain.

If we want to get an "A",

we have to pick an unusual animal,

something nobody else is gonna think of.

We can use my fish.

Of course these days, he mostly floats

at the top of the bowl.

First I thought he wanted me to brush him,

now I'm gettin' kind of worried.

That's riveting.

But our animal needs

to have a rigid social hierarchy.

Hey, Cassie, you need

to understand something.

We're not talking to you anymore

because we saw you talking to Shantelle

and we're not talking to Shantelle.

Hmm.

It needs to be an animal

that defends its territory.

Hey, man, it's my locker and the space

in front of it is my space.

Hmm.

Most importantly, it needs to display

complex, ritualistic mating behavior.

Listen, Elena, girl, you know,

I was thinkin' maybe...

Right, Right. We'll hook up later.

Man, where we gonna find

an animal like that?

I think it's right under our nose.

Are you talking about that fish of mine?

Gonna have to poke at it a little bit.

Come on.

[whistle blows]

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪ A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand IQ ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies

And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

Brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

Hello. Is Elena there?

It's Marcus Henderson.

No, no, no. I'm the guy who sits

behind you in Science class,

to the left of you in English

and just in front of you in Civics.

You never noticed me, huh?

Well, can I fax you a picture?

[dial tone]

Hello?

Dang!

The line went dead.

You know, their family's having

some money problems.

Keep that on the down, though. Shh.

Did you get it all?

Yeah. Got it all on my dictionary-cam.

Now, you sure you want to do this?

'Cause, you know, we're making

Marcus look like an idiot.

He does that by himself.

Yvette, do not put me

in the middle of this.

Dad, I just want you to answer the door

and tell Tyler that I am not going

out with him tonight

because he's an hour and a half late.

Well, he did call you a little earlier

to say he was running late.

Don't defend him. He's always late.

He's incapable of being on time.

You know, the only job he's gonna

be able to get is installing cable TV.

Sweetheart, if you're this upset

all the time with him,

I don't understand why you don't just--

you know, just--

Dump the tardy boy.

Dad!

You know, it's really unfair of you

to criticize him like that.

No, he said that.

Hey-hey, baby doll. S-sorry, I'm late.

Whoa.

Don't you "baby doll" me.

You know, my Father is this close

to hitting you.

What?

Uh, no, no. What I said was--

Hey, hey, don't start in on him again.

You know what, Tyler? Let's go.

Let Dad cool off.

But I was just gonna say that--

I was just--

but I'm on your side!

How'd I get in the middle of this?

Oh, man, I done forgot

to turn the camera off.

You got that on tape?

Yeah. Don't worry. I'll erase it.

No!

Don't you see what we have here?

Of course I do. It's obvious. What we got?

The second half of our study.

The first half is a male's attempt

to attract a female.

That's Marcus.

The second half is the female's attempt

to domesticate the unruly male.

That's Yvette and Tyler.

What's the third half?

Turn off the camera.

Marcus' problem is that he's not getting

noticed by the female of the species.

It's not that Elena doesn't like him,

she just can't see him.

That's why I bulked up.

For visibility, you know.

Okay, now in the bird world,

the male attracts the female

with his brightly colored plumage.

Our hypothesis is that this behavior

will hold true for the species

we're studying.

Oh, Marcus!

Yo, Mo, what you doin' here?

Well, you see, my aunt,

she sent me this sweater

and it's not my size. You want it?

Uh, thanks but, no thanks.

See, my personal style leans more

to the earth tones.

Hey, wait a second.

Isn't this the sweater Michael Jordan

was wearing on the cover of GQ?

Why, yes, I believe it is.

Michael Jordan?

His airness himself.

Well, hey, if an average looking

cat like Jordan can pull this off,

you put it on me and it's like,

boom, you know?

Marcus?

Huh?

That's your name, isn't it? Marcus?

So far, but I mean, if you don't like it,

I'm not married to it.

You look different today.

Somehow you stand out more.

Well, you know, I been workin' on that,

that standin'-out-more thing, you know.

Just as in the Costa Rican rain forest,

here in the wilds of Piedmont High,

the drab, but interested, male's new

plumage has lured a potential mate.

Let's watch.

You're on the basketball team, aren't you?

Yeah, you know, I bounce

a little ball, you know.

I bet you do.

Yeah.

Man!

I have got to get that sweater back.

You're always doing this to me.

Get this. Get this.

Swish pan.

You were supposed to meet me at

the - , not the AM-PM.

You went to the wrong store.

But I was on time.

I mean, just ask any of the guys

who were robbing the place.

[bell rings]

Okay.

Just... do better!

Tyler problems?

He drives me crazy.

He doesn't listen,

he doesn't pay attention

and then he looks at me

with those puppy dog eyes

and it's hard to stay mad at him.

You just need to train that puppy.

If only I could.

That is a brilliant idea.

Thanks. You know,

I'm just trying to do my share.

You have no idea

what you came up with, do you?

Nah, but I have a feeling that

when the time's right, you'll tell me.

"Ten Surefire Tricks to Train Your Dog?"

This was my idea?

You postulated that one might use

dog training techniques

to alter the behavior of an errant male.

When?

When you said, "Train the puppy."

Good to see you was paying attention.

I downloaded this training manual

from the American Kennel Club.

Just change a few details

and it becomes...

"Ten Surefire Tricks to Train

Your Boyfriend."

We just change "tug on his leash"

to "pull on his arm."

We change "dog treat..."

to "kiss."

We change "rub his tummy" to...

what?

Better leave that alone. He might like it.

I know I would.

Good. Here's the latest copy

of Yvette's fashion magazine.

Doctor.

What are you doing?

We're just looking at this stupid

article in your stupid magazine.

"Ten Surefire Tricks

to Train Your Boyfriend."

Pretty dumb, huh?

Yeah. Like men are just big, dumb dogs.

Give me that.

Alright. Get away from my magazines.

Go on. Shoo!

And for picking me up

on time this morning,

here's your treat.

And what about the car tonight?

I'll have it gassed up,

cleaned out and vacuumed.

Who's mama's good boy?

Down.

Okay, well, just don't hit me on the nose

with that rolled up paper again, alright?

Come on.

Let's go.

As a scientist,

I find this thoroughly engrossing.

As a man, I find I want to puke.

Hmm.

Ooh! Ooh! Subject "A."

Smash cut.

Marcus, since you're my new boyfriend,

there's something you have to do for me.

Anything, my pet.

I want you to tell my old boyfriend

that he's no longer welcome around

me because you say so.

Oh, that is not a problem.

Where is the little fella so

he can get popped right quick?

Where he at?

He behind this guy here?

Say, girlie sweater,

who said you could talk to my woman?

Warren, I'm tired of you b*ating

on every guy I talk to.

Every guy?

Well, if you're doing it for my benefit,

the joke's on you.

'Cause I'm not gonna watch.

Now, hold on. You can stay

'cause I may need a witness.

A fascinating development:

A competing man has appeared,

challenging subject "a"

and repeatedly poking him in the nose.

Now, I'm only gonna say this once.

Stay away from my woman, okay?

Stay away from her.

Now, actually, I counted, bro,

and that's twice that you said that,

but, I mean, I ain't... I ain't trippin'.

I mean--

You trying to get smart?

No, I'm trying to run,

but my legs aren't getting the signal.

I think my fist and your jaw need

to have a little conversation,

: tomorrow in the parking lot.

Eh, heh.

And so it looks like subject "a,"

which is to say, my brother,

may be in serious trouble

due to the intervention of science,

which is, to say... me.

Dad?

Yeah?

You, uh, think this skirt is too short?

Yes, I do.

Good.

You going out with Tyler tonight?

Uh-huh. He's due here any second.

Yeah. So's Elvis.

Hey, how you doing, Mr. Henderson?

Elvis.

Look at you... here early.

How about I take you for a nice, long walk

in the park before the movie?

Ooh, I like the park. I like the park.

The park.

What y'all doing in the park?

There something wrong, son?

No, no, no. What--

what makes you think that?

Well, you just missed in a row.

So it's either that or you're taking free

throw lessons from Shaq.

It's just that there's this girl.

I like her and she likes me

but, see, there's this other guy.

And let me guess.

This other guy is huge, mean and stupid.

How'd you know?

Because ever since man first crawled up

out of the primordial ooze,

nobody ever missed free throws

worrying about a smart, little, kind guy.

Well, he said he'd like to settle

it tomorrow after school.

Did you try talking to him?

He's not a real chatty guy, Pop.

You want my advice?

Does it come with a bat?

Look, tomorrow, you take

this young man aside

and you explain the situation to him

and I'm sure you're gonna

find out that he really doesn't

want to fight any more than you do.

That's sweet, Pops, but, you know,

that talking it out stuff

just doesn't cut it nowadays.

Well, I'll tell you what then.

Why don't I come on down to the school

and you and I and this fella

and his Father and the principal...

we all sit around in a circle

and talk it out like Andy

and Opie used to do.

I'll try talking to him, Pop.

Alright.

Then take your best sh*t.

Shaq.

He missed again.

This is all our fault.

We never should have intervened.

Sure is tough for Marcus,

but we gotta stay focused

on what's really important here, my "A."

You know, in the wild when male

"x" is challenged by larger male "y,"

the only thing that can get

"y" to back down

is an even bigger male "z"

competing for the affections

of the prized female.

Okay, okay,

now I actually understood that,

but where are we gonna find a Mr. "Z"?

Oh.

And what kind of idiot would take on big

old scary, nose-poking Warren

just to help Marcus?

I've got to stop starting sentences

with "What type of idiot"...

You have been very good lately

and to show you how much I appreciate it,

I got you a present.

Hey, it's got my name on it.

Uh-huh.

But it's got your phone number and

address. How come?

Well, if some other girl tries

to get you in her car,

I want her to know that you belong to me.

You're the best, baby.

[boy] Hey, Frank, catch!

Ooh! Frisbee!

Listen here, Warren.

See, I must have a problem with my eyes

because every time I look at my woman,

Elena, you pop into view!

Your woman?

Yeah, that's right.

Now you better hit the brake

before you make the mistake!

You better step out my face

before I knock you down.

But that don't even rhyme.

Excuse me, Mr. Mo, sir,

I got here as soon as I could.

What do you want?

Even though my brother, Cutthroat, is

still in the hospital,

he wanted to make sure you got

his lunch money on time.

He knows how you feel

about a missed payment.

It better all be here.

I counted it twice, sir,

even threw in some of my own.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Take my advice. Don't mess with Mo.

Did you know he's a tenth degree

black belt?

And he fights dirty.

I can handle myself.

Yeah. That's what my brother,

The Green Beret, said.

The one that's in the hospital?

No. The one that's buried

in Arlington Cemetery.

Well, at least what we can find of him.

Now, uh, back to you and Elena?

Why are we talking about Elena?

That's your woman.

You may leave.

Yo, what's up, Mo?

Listen, Warren, you got a minute?

Uh, Marcus, what you doing here, brother?

I'm here to talk to Warren.

Warren is all talked out,

ain't that right, Warren?

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you say.

Look, man, I just wanted

to tell you there's no reason

for the two of us to be

fighting over Elena.

Stop talking about Elena!

I don't know Elena.

But you said she was your girlfriend.

No!

She's Mo's woman.

They got a thing going on.

What?

I'm gonna tell you about it later!

No, no, no, no. You gonna tell me

about this right now!

Now, I thought you were my friend!

Ow!

"Ow"?

Well, he was wearing a ring.

Black belt, huh?

See if I can give you

a black eye to match it.

Come here, man.

Hey, don't you hit my psych partner!

Hey, let go of my little brother, punk!

Boys! Boys! Stop it!

Whoop.

You're behaving like animals.

Interestingly enough, that was my thesis.

And so, amazingly, the introduction

of a brightly colored sweater is enough

to cause the previously aloof

and indifferent female

to be drawn to the scrawny,

pathetic, loser male.

Listen, you little twerp!

Hey, hey, hey!

Take a number 'cause I get

the first piece of him!

Now, before I toss you to subjects

"a" and "b" for punishment "c,"

just let me ask you the

scientific question.

What were you thinking?

We got an "A."

You got detention.

Hey, every scientific advance

comes at a price.

You better save that for

your Nobel Prize speech.

Now look, T.J., people are not lab rats.

You can't just throw them under

a microscope and poke at them

'cause they got feelings.

Like I can't get a girl without a sweater!

You're looking at pounds

of rock solid, girl-getting muscle!

I'm not done with you, little boy.

And you have ruined Tyler!

You took a perfectly interesting flawed

individual and turned him into a...

mutt!

Thanks!

Thanks a lot.

Well, I do like the way he brings

the paper in the morning.

I wouldn't laugh if I was you.

I was just trying to help everybody.

You know, get Marcus with his girlfriend

and Yvette with her boyfriend

and getting Mo his first "A" ever.

I didn't want anybody to get hurt.

[sniffling]

Sometimes I just get in over my head.

It's alright, son. We all make mistakes.

It's alright.

Sometimes I just don't know where

I belong in this world!

Oh, hey, hey, calm down, little man.

Hey, you want Frosty?

You want your little Frosty the bear?

Will that make you feel better?

Yes! Frosty! I want my Frosty!

[crying]

And so...

we see that the young cub of the pride,

simply by exhibiting helpless behavior,

effectively exploits the adult's

inherent protective instinct,

thereby escaping punishment

and surviving to see another day.

I don't think so.

This isn't fair. It's your night

to do the dishes.

Well, don't forget the pots

and the pans, little man.

And when you finish,

you can start on the laundry.

Dad, they're k*lling me here.

I know, but the camera loves it.

And so, the young cub faces

the wrath of the pride

and learns the eternal truth

of the animal kingdom.

You do the crime, you do the dishes.

That doesn't even rhyme.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.