02x04 - Dateline

[bunniefuu]

Son, my business is good.

We don't have to buy generic.

Oh, but I like the cheap stuff.

All the sugar falls off the flakes

and sails to the bottom,

so the last couple of bowls

taste really good.

You can always just add sugar.

Oh, I do.

Let's go get some fruit, son.

That's nature's candy.

-Excuse me.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you staring at that woman's butt?

What? No!

Are you sure? 'Cause it looked like

you were staring at that woman's butt.

No, man. I was, uh...

checking out the super low

prices on beets.

You know, Dad,

according to Science World magazine,

the buttocks is the part of the body,

that first attracted primitive man.

That's a mighty nice pineapple

you got there, son.

Is this subject matter making you

uncomfortable or is it just me?

Nah. Look, I'm comfortable.

I can talk to you about anything.

Good. So, what body type

do you like in a woman?

Oh, look, grapes.

Dad, I'm speaking scientifically.

Look, I just like a nice personality.

Sure you do.

You know, there are at least

three very distinct body types.

Four, if you count your Grandmother.

Ectomorph is a lean, thin type, like this.

Endomorph is a more

curvaceous body, like this pear.

And mesomorph features broad shoulders

and a thin frame, like this.

So, what do you like?

Son, it's not that I wouldn't

be interested if the right...

produce came along.

But it's more than body types.

It's about compatibility and chemistry.

It's not just something you can pluck off

a supermarket shelf.

It takes time.

Time that I just don't have right now.

You understand?

Perfectly.

[computer] Hello and Welcome

to Net Date U.S.A.!

The internet dating service

where your life partner

is just a double click away.

Please type in your name.

" Floyd Henderson"

Let's get busy, Floyd.

Your age, please.

" "

Thank you. Your height?

Hey, uh, when you get through

with your homework, do mine, okay?

Hold on. I'm trying to concentrate.

Your height, please?

' ".

Oh, no! That's my height.

Look what you made me do.

Thank you. Please wait

while we transfer you

to our little people section.

[whistle blows]

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand IQ ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies ♪

♪ And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

[keyboard clacking]

Hey, what the heck are you doing?

I'm trying to find a date.

Just go to Chuck E Cheese,

and hang out next to the skeeball.

It's not for me. It's for Dad.

Aw, bad idea. Pull the plug right now.

Here's me listening to you.

[keyboard clacking]

Who used my eyeliner

to write phone messages?

I did. Listen...

Tell pocket Cupid over here

that he shouldn't be trying

to set up dates for Dad.

What?

He doesn't have the time. He's too busy.

And anyway, where would he get 'em?

Where men are supposed to meet women.

In bars.

Well, Dad doesn't go to bars.

Most men Dad's age meet women at work.

Wait. Dad's a roofing contractor.

How many women are on roofs?

Yeah and any woman

you do meet there is probably a jumper

and not a very good long-term prospect.

Well, then, there aren't any, okay?

Too bad. No dates for Dad.

What do you have against Dad dating?

I think I know what

Marcus is going through.

A couple of years after Mom d*ed,

Dad tried dating a bit

and I, too, felt threatened

by the thought

of a strange woman in Dad's life.

I just want the car on Friday night, okay?

He starts dating, I'm making out

in the back of a bus.

No, no. Thanks to Rosa Parks

you can make out anywhere on the bus.

So you okay with this?

I'm not so sure.

Why not? I could match him up with

a perfectly compatible woman.

It's not that.

I just think we'll have better luck

if we lower his age to ...

mention that he likes soul food

and Maya Angelou.

I can't believe that

I'm the voice of reason here.

Look, you're setting yourselves up

for a big disappointment, okay?

Nobody wants to date

an old guy with three kids.

Out of women who responded to Dad...

these women are our six finalists.

If they really are women.

I just don't want Dad

to get caught out there like Eddie Murphy.

I just can't believe that this is legal.

Mo, this is a legitimate dating service.

These women are looking

for a relationship.

Legitimate. Got ya.

I must say, this is a fine

group of ladies.

Although this one's had collagen

injections.

And those have got to be implants.

Implants. Poor woman.

She must be insecure.

She just needs a little reassurance,

someone to talk to, maybe a back rub.

And Lisa here only has a %

compatibility rating with Dad.

She gets a on the Mo scale, thank you.

[knock on door]

Dad!

Mandible.

Clavicle.

What are you guys doing?

Studying.

Boning up, huh?

I'm not coming up here anymore.

Phew!

Okay, I say we go with Jamie Walters.

She scored a %.

Now what does that mean?

Look at her. She's pretty, she's smart,

and she's gainfully employed.

Not to mention, she likes kids.

Which he has.

She likes football.

Which he watches.

She likes aerobics.

Which he watches.

So, she's the one?

-I think so.

-I like her.

Then you won't be needing these.

Is that her? She's pretty.

Ooh! How about her? She's the b*mb!

How come nobody

ever told me about this place?

Is there more of it?

There she is.

Jamie?

Oh, no, no, no.

Why do I use a dating service?

At least when you meet a guy in a club,

you know he's not ten years old.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm Floyd's son, T.J.

Oh, well, I just hope Floyd is as half

as cute as you are...

and twice as tall.

Um, is he here at all

for me to, say, meet?

He's in our lovely three bedroom home

close to schools and shopping.

So, he couldn't meet me because--

He doesn't know about you.

Goodbye.

Jamie! Jamie!

Hi! I'm Yvette, Floyd's daughter.

We just wanted to meet you to make sure

that you weren't... you know.

A lunatic.

Yeah.

Or a guy.

How am I doing?

Quite well.

-I like her.

-Yeah, me too.

This is so much fun for me.

Look, I know that this is awkward,

but if you're still interested,

we'd love for you to meet our Father.

He's a really nice guy.

He's just real busy.

You won't regret it.

Please?

Boy, that face is hard to turn down.

I know.

You should see him around Christmas.

Hey, Dad!

Oh, no, you're a mess!

Well, that's what happens

when you're elbow deep in steer manure.

I've got to get you cleaned up quick.

Close your eyes.

Whoa!

-[Yvette] Hey, Dad!

-Oh nuts.

Just be charming.

Daddy, I want you to meet Jamie Walters.

-Hi

-She's your date.

Hmm?

That's pretty much what I said.

They had me meet them at the supermarket

to make sure I wasn't a guy.

Oh, I passed.

I just want to go on record and say,

that I had absolutely nothing

to do with this.

I know this is weird, but we

all felt that--

Ahem!

Some of us felt you needed a date.

So we got on the internet

and found you a perfect match.

We were afraid that if we told you

about it in advance,

you would have said no.

Oh, I see.

Let me ask you,

would it be a bad first impression

if I slathered my children in honey,

then buried them up to their necks

and let the ants eat them alive?

And then we could go for coffee.

Now, coffee sounds nice.

But-- please!

That's how they got me here.

Yeah, I know.

The Christmas face is a k*ller,

but the trick is to never look him

directly in the eye.

Okay, I'll get cleaned up.

And we have a match!

At four, he was doing math.

At five, he was doing the taxes

and at six, he was charging me

for doing the taxes.

And at ten, he was setting

his Dad up on dates.

What can I say? The boy's a genius.

How come they always give you the credit?

Well, look at me.

You know, it's just not fair.

I mean, I've been boring you

with stories about my kids all night.

When I get bored, I'll let you know.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, last summer we took

this trip to Colonial Williamsburg--

I'm bored.

Well, then I guess it's only fair

that we go out for dinner tomorrow night

and you can bore me

with some of your stories.

Oh, no problem. I work for the office

of management and budget.

Ooh, I'm bored already.

We did it.

Yeah.

But wait, if Dad's going out with her,

he'll have to miss

my basketball practice tomorrow.

He's supposed to take me.

Well, T.J., I'll take you. Dad has a date

and that's what's most important. Right?

Yeah, right.

Come on, little man, sh**t the ball.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Give you a chance to rest.

Henderson is all alone!

He lays it up and--

Oh! Not in my house!

[Jamie] Hey, you guys, I got next.

Hey, how about you got now?

But I got now.

We're in the middle of a game.

Well, Jamie can be on your team.

I'll take you both on.

Come on, T.J.,

what do you say we teach Pops a lesson?

Then I'll whip up some dinner, okay?

Okay.

Hey, come on, girl.

Let's see what you got.

Henderson down the middle.

He's got a clear lane.

Very clear.

Hope no one blocks the sh*t.

He's all alone under the basket.

No one around.

No fair illegal use of hands.

But the ref is letting it go.

Oh, gross!

Hey, where you going, T.J.?

Water break.

Hey, little man, how's your game going?

It's over. It was called

on account of girl.

Hey, Jamie's here.

Yep, Jamie's here. Again.

Oh, isn't that cute?

They're playing basketball.

Hmm, skip that.

She's got groceries.

Oh, is that fettuccine?

Please be fettuccine.

You know, she uses Gorgonzola in

her Alfredo sauce.

[kisses] Bella!

She plays basketball,

she makes fettuccine.

She's perfect.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

[pop]

When you're talking

to this girl, look at her.

Listen. Take an interest in what she says.

This is great stuff.

Do any other guys know this?

Apparently not.

Hey, Dad,

T.J.'s in his pajamas and then

he's going to bed. I'm going to Lisa's.

Okay.

Uh-oh. That means the two

of you will be unchaperoned.

[Marcus] Oh. [laughs]

So, don't do anything that I wouldn't do.

You know that I was joking, right?

'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do.

We got that.

I like your kids.

And I like that they're gone.

I got us this movie--

"The Preacher's Wife".

Oh, I've already seen that.

Yeah, so have I.

Good. We won't have to pay attention.

[T.J.] Daddy!

Yes, son.

I don't feel so good.

I think it's something I ate.

Well, you don't feel warm.

Maybe you should go lie down.

Okay.

Can you scoot over a little?

Wouldn't you be

more comfortable in your own bed?

No, I think I'll be fine right here.

Can you scoot over a little bit more?

Um, tell you what,

I think I'm going to head home.

No!

A sick little boy needs his Dad.

You can stay if you want.

Yeah, listen to the boy, he's smart.

There'll be other nights.

Hope your tummy feels better, dumpling.

Sorry I ruined your evening.

Oh, that's okay.

Hey, the most important thing

is that you feel alright.

You want me to take you upstairs?

No, I think I'll be okay right here.

What are we watching?

Preacher's Wife.

Oh, I like Whitney.

Can I watch for a few minutes?

Sure.

And then what happened?

The lady at the makeup counter

tells me I'm an autumn, not a winter.

That's so terrible.

I felt so betrayed.

Ah, but you're a survivor.

I can tell that about you.

You know something?

I like talking to you, Marcus,

because you listen.

Well, I'll listen even better over dinner.

Say tonight?

Say : ?

Say : .

I'm going to need that extra minutes

to bring myself up to your level.

[sighs]

Man, that listening

rap Jamie gave me is gold.

I just got a date! Ha ha!

Hey, T.J.!

I've been looking for you.

What time is your basketball game tonight?

: . You coming?

I'm taking you.

Dad's got a date with Jamie.

But he went out with her last night.

People do go out more than once.

Marcus doesn't.

Well, tonight is a make-up date.

Last night's date was rained out by you.

I was sick, okay?

It's no reason to miss my game.

He's been to all your other games.

Are you being just a little selfish here?

Look, man,

Dad's happy, okay?

He's got a girlfriend.

And that's more important than one

stupid little game.

Okay, we have to start thinking about him

more than ourselves.

You do know that Dad

is taking his car on his date.

What? I need that car.

He can't do this to me.

Hey, Jamal, man, you find an engine

for that car yet?

It's not fair.

It's like Dad forgot I'm alive.

Look, T.J., I know this is hard,

but you're going to have to try

and get used to it

'cause I think Jamie's going to be

around awhile.

Hey, you, hit and run!

- Who, me?

-Yeah, you!

It's like I don't matter. I don't belong.

I'm just someone you can walk over!

Uh, yeah.

Yeah!

Hey, let me go!

I'm not done with him yet!

Too much gangsta rap, man.

Gotta get a handle on that.

Hey, you want a piece of me too?

I ain't afraid of you!

Let me go, will you?

I'm gonna calm down. Can't you tell?

Hey, what's going on here?

T.J. went ballistic

on a senior in the hallway.

Is that true?

I went nuts, that's all.

A guy's allowed to go

nuts every ten years.

-Now, T.J.--

-I was wrong. Very wrong.

Now I'm going up to my room

to think about what I did, okay?

Okay.

Wow. That's one very angry kid.

I'm guessing that T.J.'s acting out

over some unresolved issues.

Have there been any changes in the home

situation recently?

I visited a school psychologist

once or twice.

Lucky for me.

No, I think I know what's going on here.

I'm going to go on upstairs

and talk to him.

Oh no, too soon. Too soon. See?

The child needs some alone time

to cool down a bit.

When he's ready, he'll come to you.

School psychologist?

Sesame Street .

Hey.

Trying to make a basket or just

knock the backboard off the garage?

Both.

Are you upset about the amount of time

I'm spending with Jamie?

No.

Okay. Well, I'll let you get back

to your game then.

[grunts]

Alright, alright.

I'm tired of Jamie coming over

and you going there.

And you missing my games because of her.

Well, I don't want to miss your game,

but Jamie's boss gave her

tickets to that Maya Angelou recital

and thanks to you,

I got to pretend I like that.

So, don't go.

Look, this will be

the first game of yours I ever missed.

No-uh!

You missed one last year

and you came late

to a T-ball game when I was five.

You're right. I've been a terrible Father.

Well, look, I'm confused.

Wasn't it your idea

to fix me up with Jamie?

Yeah, but I didn't want you to marry her.

Well, we're not going to get married.

We're just going out.

I want things the way they were before.

Of course you do.

That's what you're used to.

You're used to me being around

all the time,

available to you, -hour Dad.

That's what you're supposed to do.

That's what I thought too.

I thought it was enough for me

to be Daddy.

You know, make sure that

you were fitting in

and Yvette wasn't

dating some guy older than me.

And Marcus didn't get his head

stuck in anything.

It's amazing how he still does that.

But you know, a couple of weeks ago,

my life changed.

Thanks to you.

I don't want your life to change.

Well, I don't want

yours to change either, but it will.

I mean, right now you're angry

'cause you can't have me

every minute of the day.

But when you're ,

you're not gonna want

to have anything to do with me.

So, date Jamie then .

It doesn't work that way, kid.

Now you put us together and it worked.

I know.

I don't know where things are going

between me and Jamie,

but I like her.

She makes me happy.

I mean, you can see that, right?

Yeah. Happy, yeah.

And I don't want you to be unhappy.

So, I'm going to be a lot more careful

about how I schedule my time

and I'm going to make sure

that I don't miss any more of your games.

Okay?

Okay, I guess.

And we both got a little time here.

Maybe we can finish up

that one-on-one game.

You know, the one that got interrupted.

Yeah, it was my outs.

I remember it differently.

But okay.

Good game, man.

So, you feeling better?

Yeah.

So you're not so mad about me dating

Jamie anymore, are you?

Yeah, I am.

No, I mean really.

Really.

Oh, come on, T.J., I'm serious.

You're happy for me, aren't you?

Not really.

Yvette, shake a leg!

I got a game in minutes!

Well, I can take you before my date.

You want me to take you?

Not really. I like Yvette better.

I'm gonna need for you

to stop messing with me, T.J.

Eventually.

But not yet?

Not by a long sh*t.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.