02x11 - T.J. Versus the Machine

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What's goin' on, man?

Don't you read your school newspaper?

T.J. Is playing Scotty

for the school chess championship.

Since, when did you become

so interested in chess?

I find it strangely stimulating.

That's my favorite part right there.

Come on, munchkin. Whatcha got?

I got your rook.

Well, you're trying

to trick a trickster, huh?

I got retainers older than you, son.

Oh, no. Right home to daddy.

My money's on T.J.

He's got the eye of the Tigger.

Man, you don't know nothin' about

bettin' chess.

I'm goin' with the great white hope.

Well, I got a sticky bun that says

T.J. Takes it.

Fine. I got a bag of corn chips,

barbecue-flavored,

says Scotty shuts him down.

Hey, can I get in on this action?

-What you got?

-An Apple.

Puh! Puh!

You know, I feel sorry for you,

losing so big so young.

And I feel sorry for your queen,

She's about to be a widow.

Checkmate.

We have a winner.

Sucker.

Alright, youngsters.

Thanks for supporting chess at Piedmont,

and I have a little surprise for everyone.

We already know about your divorce.

We're working things out.

[clears throat]

The Trontex computer company

and their super chess-playing computer,

Socrates,

Will be visiting our school

to play four district chess champions,

including our own T.J. Henderson.

[all cheering]

If a player can last

moves against Socrates,

He will win for his

or her school $ , worth of computers!

They come with games.

[all screaming]

T.J.! T.J.!

-[All] T.J.! T.J.!

-Alright. Settle down.

Settle down.

T.J., you think you can bring them home

for Piedmont?

When I get done with Socrates,

he'll be a cash register

at Chuck E. Cheese.

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super-intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪ A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand IQ ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies ♪

♪ And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

Okay, Larry's comin' over

for the big game,

but there's still one spot left

on the couch.

Who wants it?

T.J. Can have it.

Yeah. I'm goin' over to

Mo's to watch the game.

His pop just got a brand-new -inch TV.

Oh, your dad got that promotion?

Lawsuit settlement.

Teej?

Oh, sorry, Dad. I'm going to the game

in person with Elliot and his pop.

Aw, man, it's the biggest

game of the year,

and I don't get to watch it with my boys?

Yeah. Heaven forbid!

You should think of watching it

with your daughter.

You didn't let me finish.

I would love to watch

the game with you, Yvette.

I'll think about it.

I'll be looking forward to it.

So, Chessmeister, you still think

a human can b*at a machine?

You better believe it.

If old John Henry can

b*at the steam drill,

T.J. Can b*at that chess computer.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Although after John Henry

b*at the steam drill,

His heart exploded in his chest.

He was dead before he hit the ground.

Don't try that hard.

Don't worry. I just have to last moves,

then I win computers for the school,

and they name a sandwich

after me, in the cafeteria.

Dream the big dream, T.J.

That was all I needed to hear.

You bet.

I'm placing all my money on T.J.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Oh, yeah. Betting.

It's just wrong.

Oh! That's clippin'! That's clippin'!

Definitely clipping!

I brought snacks.

Alright. What is a football game

without snacks?

This?

Rice cakes?

Yeah. I want you to eat healthy,

so I don't have to worry about you

when I go off to college. Excuse me.

'cause I might, you know.

Dad?

Dad, are you listening?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You said you wanted to

go to a healthy college.

-Interception!

-What?

Darrel Green intercepted Aikman,

one-handed catch!

That was the play of the week!

-Ooh!

-Ooh! Ho ho ho!

Whoo whoo!

Anyway, I know you want me to go

to a local college,

but what if I get into Spelman?

-How can I say no?

-Go, go.

Go! Go! Go!

-Alright!

-Daddy?

Daddy, who am I talking to here?

Just a second, honey.

This is a major life decision.

And it's a year away.

Whereas, the game

is happening right here, right now.

-Touchdown!

-What? What? What?

Unbelievable! A -yard b*mb

to Henry Ellard!

-Did you see that?

-No.

Man, he was stretched out and flyin',

when he caught that ball.

Whoo!

It'll be on the instant replay.

It's not the same.

That's the reason that you watch the game.

It's so you can see the game

as it happens.

Now, can I please watch the game?

Certainly.

I'll go get the pork rinds.

-Honey, I'm sor--

-Oh, wow!

-What?

-They just showed T.J. In the stands.

He was eatin' a hot dog

and doin' one of these numbers.

You don't have to b*at Socrates,

You just have to last moves.

Mm hm.

T.J., you're gonna do fine.

You have no reason to be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

This is the only exercise

you get in chess.

Look, just think about having fun,

And don't think about all those people

that are counting on you

to win the only computers

this school's ever had.

I'm not helping, am I?

No.

Here. Have a seat, son.

Listen, it's only a machine.

Men made it, men can b*at it.

Now, now, three moves is nothing

to be ashamed of.

They were laughing with you, not at you.

Ooh! Wah!

Remember, no matter what, we love you.

Still not helping.

Alright, young Spartacus,

the crowd awaits.

Thanks, Mr. Militich, we'll take it

from here.

[laughing]

We got you this, champ,

Wanted to make you look good.

Wow! I didn't know you cared so much

about chess.

I don't.

Man, I care about you.

You know what? You're alright.

Right.

Get you ready there.

Ramada inn?

They care about you, too.

Okay, y'all, ready?

Let's go, champ.

Alright, everybody get back!

[Marcus] Champ, comin' through.

-[Marcus] You the one! You the man!

-No!

This is on us, baby. This is on us.

Number one!

Alright, kick back. Kick back.

[Marcus] Let's bring her home!

[all cheering]

What time is it?

[all] Chess time! Whoo!

Hey, everybody get back. Only in America.

Come on, champ!

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

Come on, champ!

Give it to him!

Alright, now, guard your grill.

Now, remember, all we need is

moves to win, okay?

So do your thing, big baby! Come on, boy.

You still taking action on the game?

'cause I got to lay on Socrates.

I'll take your money.

Just wave good-bye to your ducats.

Bye-bye, now.

I think T.J. is ready.

Uh-huh.

You're not still mad

about yesterday, are you?

No. It's just sad that

we've grown so far apart,

that we can't have

a real conversation anymore.

Mm-hmm. Long as you're not mad.

And now, for the main event.

Playing the white pieces

is Piedmont's own T.J. Henderson!

[all cheering] Yeah!

Why he gotta play the white pieces?

How come he can't play the black pieces?

From Trontex computers,

undefeated, untied,

and operated by Mr. Orrin Hamilton,

is Socrates.

Alright, guys. I want

a good, clean match,

and the white pieces move first.

[bell rings]

Now, how come the white pieces move first?

Pawn to queen four.

[keyboard clacking]

[Socrates] Pawn to king's bishop four.

Pawn to king four.

[Socrates] King to bishop two.

Queen takes queen's bishop.

Check.

That's just like my boy.

Gotta give it up for T.J.

He's gonna go the distance.

There's no way he lasts moves.

Would you like to place the big money

where your big mouth is, son?

-You're on.

-Alright.

Thank you.

[Socrates] Queen to bishop four.

Check.

Check? Check what?

Check to see if you can cover my bet.

T.J.'s on the run.

Wait a minute.

King to knight .

[Socrates] Bishop to queen three.

Check.

Come on, T.J. It's four more moves.

You can do it.

Stay away from him, T.J.

Don't let him hurt you!

King to rook four.

[Socrates] Queen to knight four. Check.

King to rook three.

[Socrates] Queen to Rook four.

Sorry, Charlie, checkmate.

[all] Aw!

Aw!

-He lost.

-No, man, we lost.

It was a great effort, T.J.

Rematch. Rematch.

Rematch!

[crowd] Rematch! Rematch!

You want a rematch?

Yeah!

Well, if T.J. Wants a rematch...

Of course he does, man.

T.J. "the golden child" Henderson

will take Socrates on any time, anywhere.

Ain't that right, champ?

No. I don't want a rematch.

Champ.

Hey, Teej.

I know. No matter what, you still love me.

How you feeling, buddy?

I'm alright.

You know me. I always bounce back.

I'm talking to T.J.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Hey, look, I know you lost,

but you lost to a computer

programmed by some of the

brightest minds in the world,

And you lasted longer than anybody else.

Everybody was counting on me.

Marcus was counting on me.

He got me a robe.

That's why you got to play a rematch.

That's right, And you know what?

The next time, you can b*at it.

Second time I took health

I did a lot better.

Third time, I almost aced it.

You guys don't get it.

The computer learns from

each opponent it plays.

If I play it again, I wouldn't

make it past two moves.

Uh-huh.

Ahem. I'm thirsty.

You thirsty?

No. I just had a Piña Colada Bang.

It's whipped.

Oh.

Then you're hungry, then.

Let's go get you some food.

Mo, did you hear what T.J. Said?

Yeah. That if he plays the computer again,

it'll k*ll him. So?

So, if we get everybody

in school to believe what we believed

when we thought T.J. Could win,

then, man, we could win

our money back and more.

You said there'd be food.

Stay with me, man, okay?

Just stay with me. Look, this is

about money.

Our money and gettin' it back.

Now, this is all we have to do.

First, we talk T.J. Into a rematch,

and then we get everybody to bet on T.J.,

and then we bet on the computer.

-'cause we know it can win.

-Ha! Good boy.

Then we eat?

In style.

Look, I don't care what T.J. Says, okay?

Personally, I think

he could b*at the machine.

I think he's smarter than anybody

or anything.

I was til today.

Oh! T.J., man, didn't even see you there.

Listen here, home skillet,

all I'm sayin' is,

I don't see why you're letting

some tricked-up CD player bug you out.

That tricked-up CD player

just handed me my head.

So? But you're a winner, man,

and you can win on anything.

You're tenacious.

Heck, that's what T.J. Stands for!

Tenacious...

Just-won't-give-up guy.

You really care about this, don't you?

Man, you have no idea.

Hey, hey, Deion.

Come here, man.

You bet on the computer last time, right?

Look here.

Are you taking the computer

for the rematch?

Is a fat baby funky?

Well, if I had any money left,

I'd take your bet.

Check out the kid.

Uh-oh! What's comin'?

Oh, hey, waiter,

Check.

You better take up checkers

'cause this ain't your game.

Oh, my, finally a guy who can play chess.

Oh, too bad you can't

play it well. Checkmate.

Didn't see that move comin', did ya?

I'm takin' your rook.

Whoa.

Man, the kid is in his own.

I ain't never seen him train so hard,

And you know he only lost

by one move last time.

So, Deion, we're putting you down for

the computer, right?

Alright, now. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Think I'm gonna play me a hunch.

Really?

I'm bettin' on the kid.

Whew! Boy, I had a rough day.

How was yours?

Huh?

Oh, fine. Yeah.

What you watching?

Caroline in the City.

What city's Caroline in?

New York.

How come there ain't no black people

in Caroline's City?

Dad!

Hey, listen,

I was thinking about what you said

about college,

and if you want to go

away to school, it's fi--

Dad, please!

It's the one show I like to watch

in the week.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, this is good.

I know. It's an underrated show.

Does this remind you of anything

that happened earlier this week

with rice cakes and football games?

Dad, that was totally different.

I was trying to talk to you,

And you were just watching football.

Oh, I see.

Okay...

Well, go ahead, watch your show.

It just saddens me that we've grown

so far apart

that we can't have a

real conversation anymore.

-Daddy?

-[Floyd] Yes?

-I hate you.

-[Floyd] I know.

Yeah, Mackey. You're bettin' on

the computer again, right?

Oh, really? You got a hunch?

Yeah. I think I can find somebody

to bet against the kid.

Mm-hmm. Mack-a-docius, peace!

-Man, we are going to clean up.

-Yeah!

-And now my happy dance.

-Is it a dance for two?

It is.

-Break it on down.

-Break it on down.

♪ What? What you want? ♪

♪ Whoa, daddy-o ♪

♪ Uhh uhh ♪

♪ Got it all the way there ♪

♪ Uhh. Uhh-uhh-uhh ♪

♪ Uhh. Uhh-uhh-uhh! ♪

You guys have got to find dates.

Hey, it's the chess man.

Hey, man, let's get on out of here.

Don't wanna interfere

with the trainin' process.

How could you bet against me?

You said yourself the computer was gonna

b*at you this time.

The only reason I agreed to a rematch

is because you said you believed in me.

But all you care about is making money.

T.J.?

Come on, T.J. I know you're in your fort.

Alright, then,

if you don't want to talk,

you're just gonna have to

listen, then, alright?

Now, look...

Maybe I didn't think

this whole thing through.

I know. I know.

Typical for Marcus.

But, look, man, if I would have known

it was gonna hurt you,

I never would've done it.

Well, I might have 'cause it was

a whole lot of money,

but, still...

That's no excuse, man.

I was being a jerk.

A big jerk.

Yeah. A big jerk.

Wait a minute. Hold on, man!

How come you're not in the fort?

Please. That was two hiding places ago.

Look, if you came here to ask me

to forgive you,

I forgive you. Is that what you want?

No. Well-- well, yeah, but...

I also want you to win tomorrow, man.

Yeah. Right.

No. I do! T.J., I do. I swear I do.

Look, man, underdogs can win.

Now, I know I said it before

and didn't mean it,

but, man, now I mean it.

And whether you want

to believe it or not, it's true.

Fine. I believe you.

Come on, man. Now, look,

I done set up this chessboard.

I'll help you practice.

I'll be the computer.

Now, look, I been readin' the directions.

Now, the horsy can move like an "L" right?

That's a ridiculous opening move.

How do you respond to a move like that?

Make a move.

Fine. Here.

Boom.

That's even crazier!

I don't even know how to respond

to moves like that.

No one would.

Ooh.

"Ooh," what?

Marcus, you're a genius.

Man, I been tryin' to tell y'all that!

Okay, now, look, man, you can do it, okay?

You realize if this strategy works,

you're gonna lose all the money

you bet against me.

Hey, man, it's just money.

Alright. Look, go get 'em, champ.

Come on.

[bell rings]

Alright.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

You asked for it, you got it.

The duel in the school, part two.

Let's get it on!

[bell dings]

Knight to king's bishop three.

He's taking his knight out first?

What kind of a move is that?

[scoffs] A move only a dummy would make.

[Socrates] Pawn to king three.

Pawn to queen's rook three.

Now what's he doing moving that pawn out?

I mean, that makes no sense.

Hey, man, calm down.

It's all part of a strategy

I helped T.J. Come up with.

You helped him?

Yeah.

Oh. Heh heh.

Go warm up the car.

Queen to bishop two.

He's bringing his queen out.

That's illogical!

I'm waiting here. What you got?

It's a rather odd move.

Socrates is simply taking

his allotted time.

[Socrates] Uh uh...

Pawn takes pawn.

I think T.J.'s got him baffled.

Queen takes pawn.

Check.

[Socrates] Does not compute.

Move is whack.

Hey, you bring your sorry

circuits onto my turf

and think you can bring me down.

That's whack.

[Socrates] Queen to knight two.

That's not our best move.

[Socrates] Queen to knight two

[Socrates speeding up]

Queen to knight two!

Not only is that moves,

It's also checkmate.

[crowd cheering]

Why are you so happy?

We just lost our shirts.

Man, who cares? T.J. Won!

T.J. Won, girl.

T.J. Won!

Can I borrow $ ?

Hey! [laughing]

Hey, the champ, y'all! He's the champ.

Yo, T.J., where's your brother?

Gee, you know, I don't know.

I haven't seen him anywhere.

Boy, you better not be lying to me.

You tell him he owes Deion $ .

Cash dollar bills, okay? And I expect

every payment to be made on schedule.

Okey-dokey.

Hey, man.

Is Deion gone?

Yeah.

Oh, no! He's comin' back!

Oh, no!

Like sh**t' fish in a barrel.

[clapper] I'm never working

for this guy again.