02x17 - Goodbye, Mr. Chimps

[bunniefuu]

Are we sure he's the ideal intern

for primate research?

He comes highly recommended.

His grades are incredible,

and his essay on the innate

connection between men and chimpanzees

is not only articulate,

but quite impassioned.

On paper, he is very impressive.

But he's not quite what we had in mind.

But he is the most qualified.

Congratulations, T.J., you've compiled

an impressive body of work,

that indicates an intellect and maturity

well beyond your years.

When do I get to play with the chimp?

It's not really playing.

Our primary goal here

is to determine the linguistic potential

of higher primates.

Our first pupil is Socrates.

Even though he's only two,

he's demonstrated definite progress

in syntactic comprehension.

This fellow is Plato.

He's shown a keen talent for a multitude

of arithmetic computations.

[chimp hoots]

And who's this guy?

Oh, that's Homer, very outgoing,

but a bit of a handful.

[chimp hoots]

And here's Homer with a rebuttal.

I want to work with him.

♪ Another slice of the life

Of master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪ A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand I.Q. ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies ♪

♪ And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

Brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

Yo, yo, Joe, ooh!

Ooh-whee!

Are those the new Jordans?

And you know this.

Worship me. worship my...

Gear.

We are not worthy.

Man, those kicks cost like $ .

Yeah, yeah. Pocket change for the kid.

Yo, dude, the only cats I know

with that type of loot

are pro ballplayers and guys named silky

who hang out at bars all night.

Now, you are too short to be a ballplayer,

and I know your mama got you on a curfew,

So how are you gettin' all this kiz-ash?

Ahem.

Alpha-boost .

What are you talking about?

Hey, wait a minute, man.

Ain't those those $ candy bars?

Now, see, that's where you're wrong.

It's not a candy bar.

it's a nutritional energy supplement.

Man, it's a snicker bar

that's gettin' all uppity.

Now, I was gonna let you all in

on this moneymaking bonanza,

but I can see you guys

have all the scrilla you need.

So, I'll just take my happy air-Jordan

wearing behind to class.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now, hold up, playboy.

Now, I don't have all the scrilla I need.

Okay, then... ahem...

Y'all are gonna become distributors

for alpha-boost .

Okay, and because you're my boys,

I'm willing to extend credit

on your first $ , worth of merchandise.

Okay, now, when you sell it,

you'll make , ,

Minus my small % commission.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

%?

Standard alpha-boost commission.

But just imagine,

you guys recruit troops to sell for you.

Then you turn around

and take % from them.

The more troops you recruit,

the less you have to work.

And the more commissions we make.

Yeah. That's the alpha-boost way.

The man who started it made millions

from his tiny one-bedroom apartment.

Oh, wait! We got a three-bedroom home, so

that means I'll make three times as much.

So, what happened then?

So, Homer and I spent

the whole time together.

The first hour,

I taught him protogrammar

through lexigrams.

and the second hour, he taught me how

to do this...

Well, it's nice to see that everybody's

getting something out of it.

You want to see a picture of him?

You got pictures already.

you must be a proud papa.

Oh...

What a cute little monkey.

Chimp.

Monkeys and apes are an entirely

different genera.

Well, is it okay to say he's cute?

Isn't he?

And he's smart as a whip.

[knock on door]

Hi. Packages for Momar Enterprises.

-Momar Enterprises?

-Yeah.

You've got the wrong address, dude.

[Marcus] No, no, no, no!

No, no, no... He doesn't.

We got this, Pop.

You can bring that on in, brother.

Hey, man. Wait. Whoa, whoa.

Don't be wheelin' that up in here.

Pop, we are sales reps

for alpha-boost .

We're involved in a multilevel

marketing venture

with unlimited growth potential.

Yeah.

These nutritional and good-tasting bars

will virtually sell themselves.

Then what happens if they can't?

Pop, the word "can't" isn't even

in my vocabulary.

Along with most of the other words

in the English language.

Look, pop, T.J. and Yvette,

well, they're smart.

Now, see, me...

-I'm more of a free spirit.

-Mm-hmm.

And, as you know,

free spirits are very entrepreneurial.

So, look, why don't you show a little

bit more faith in your oldest son

and stop being so critical?

Now, are you gonna clip my wings

or help me to spread 'em?

Oh, you're spreadin' something, alright.

Come on, Pop.

Well, okay, then.

Bring 'em in.

Thanks, Pop. You won't be sorry.

Good morning, Linda, Socrates.

How are you today?

Can you show me apple?

Good boy.

You can do that.

[chimp hoots]

Isn't this a nice bird?

No?

Well, what is it, then?

It is an orange?

[chimp hoots]

Very impressive.

[chimp cries]

Homer, take your finger out of your nose.

Hello, T.J.,

Nostril. Yes.

Very good, Homer.

Alright, Homer, I'm hungry.

Can you show me apple?

Go ahead, Homer.

Show her the apple.

Concentrate.

That's it. That's it.

That's...

not it.

He had it a minute ago,

didn't you, big guy?

[chimp cries]

Well, he is certainly not making the kind

of progress we'd hoped for, is he?

He's just a slow starter.

Einstein didn't do all that well

in school, either.

I'm willing to bet that Einstein

knew the difference

between an apple and an aeroplane,

right, Plato?

I don't care what they say about you.

I know you're smart.

Right, buddy?

You're getting there.

I think I see a recruit right there.

Yo, Mackey.

Hey, Mo.

Man, where'd you get that button?

Came in my alpha-boost kit.

Would you guys like to buy some

alpha-boost bars?

-They're an incredible source of--

-Energy and nutrition.

I'm wearin' the button.

Oh, I didn't see that.

You didn't see this

flying saucer on my chest?

Who gave you that?

Deion. He's only letting a few choice guys

in on the action.

You?

I'm down with Deion.

You?

Don't worry. There's a lot of future

recruits in this school.

Say, Leslie...

Listen, baby, I know

you don't need the money

because you are already rich

in the looks department,

But, uh...

Where did you get that button?

Deion.

Thought so.

Do you still think I look good?

You alright.

Marcus, man, are you

seein' what I'm seein'?

Then if everybody is workin' for Deion,

Then there's nobody to work for us,

Which means we're gonna make %

of nothin'.

Well, at least that's somethin'.

Plato has increased his

noun recognition by %.

That's over words.

Absolutely incredible.

Apple.

Apple.

You eat one every day.

You threw one at Socrates.

No!

I've had days like that.

I know he can do this.

He's really smart.

He's just distracted by everything that's

going on around here.

Hey, they were pretty loud earlier.

Unfortunately, his test scores

are just too low.

He's bringing down

the entire performance curve,

and that could effect our grant money.

Well, what does that mean?

It means we may have to

drop him from the program.

You can't do that.

He's not dumb. He's just not

being challenged.

It's like me in the fourth grade.

They thought I was a discipline problem,

but I was just bored.

Look, failing the program's

not the worst thing in the world.

He'll go to jungle town animal park,

and spend his days swinging on a tire

and doing somersaults for peanuts.

[chimp cries]

Homer's better than that.

Look, I just need more time with him.

That's all.

I can get his scores up.

I think he'd be happier

at the animal park.

That's not what I want for him.

Look, if you let me work with him at home,

I'll have him right up with

the rest of the class,

Maybe even better...

Right, Homer?

See how smart he is?

He's giving me the business.

T.J.?

Is there something you forgot to tell me?

Oh, sorry, Dad. I was in the bathroom.

I'll get him back upstairs.

No, no, no, no, no.

You are missing the bigger picture.

Why is there a monkey in my house?

I have to teach him words by Monday,

or else he's gonna get dropped

from the program,

and they're gonna send him away.

And you wouldn't want that.

No. I also don't want him in my house.

Dad, please...

Not in front of Homer.

He's very sensitive.

Could we talk in the kitchen?

Okay.

By the way,

this sofa's not scotch guarded, so...

We're going in the kitchen to talk, Homer.

Here. I've rented

Gorillas in the Mist for you.

Watch it. Maybe you'll

see somebody you know.

Alright, T.J.,

Now, I never thought I'd

have to make this rule,

but no chimpanzees in the house.

Okay, but Homer gets

grandfathered in, right?

I mean, now that you've seen how sweet

and lovable he is,

You'll have to let him stay, huh?

Look, Teej, I am serious.

He's smelly, he's messy,

I don't have any confidence

he can learn words,

and he got to go!

We're finally getting rid of Marcus?

We're talking about T.J.'s monkey.

You know he brought that thing

home for the weekend?

He did?

Yeah, and now Dad wants to send him back.

Oh, no, Dad. You can't. You can't,

Not until we get a chance

to play with him.

He's not a doll.

He's a living, breathing animal

who's going through

a tough time academically,

And he needs our support.

Well, I'll help you because I am very good

with animals.

Dad, he's counting on me.

He doesn't have anybody else.

He's your child.

You gotta take care of him,

and come Monday morning,

he got to go, okay?

-Aah!

-Thank you, Dad!

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Thank you.

Alright, Homer. Everything's cool now.

Oh...

Isn't he the cutest thing?

Can I pick him up?

Oh, yeah. He's very friendly.

Just be gentle with him.

Oh, don't worry, T.J.

Animals love me.

They instinctively know

that I am their friend.

Excuse me.

[sweetly] Hi, Homer.

I'm Yvette.

[chimp hoots]

[chimp screaming]

Obviously, he has issues with women.

[chimp screaming]

Alpha-boost is the answer

to everyone's future.

Now, frankly, I don't know

why everyone in America

isn't taking advantage of

this incredible opportunity.

Because you've got most of America

already working for you.

May we please speak to you?

Here's two of my happy sales force.

They started with just

a dollar and a dream.

My, you guys are strong.

They been eating them

alpha-boost bars, y'all.

Haven't been eatin' them,

haven't been sellin' them,

but I know where I want to put 'em.

Yeah, shrimp scampi.

We're hip to your little scam.

We've got $ , worth of inventory

on our hands,

and you're gonna take it back.

What am I gonna do with it?

Eat 'em. Get strong.

That way you can survive the whoopin'

we gonna lay on you.

No, no, no. Now, gentlemen.

The last thing I want is

a dissatisfied sales force.

I will gladly take back any unused product

as long as it's in its original boxes.

Straight up?

Have I ever lied to you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm.

This week?

-[Mo] I don't remember.

-[Marcus] Not this week.

Maybe last week.

-[Marcus] Where'd he go?

-[Mo] There he is.

-[Mo] Where you goin'?

-[Marcus] Get him!

The color red means stop.

The color green means go.

Now, if I say the word "go,"

What color do you hold up?

Now you give me an apple?

Now?

-[chimp cries]

-What's the matter with you?

If you don't start concentrating,

they're gonna send you

to some animal park,

and Socrates will get all

the attention in the program

and become this big celebrity

and sit on the couch with Jay Leno

and do videos with Puff Daddy.

Is that what you want?

You better be worried. Now, let's do this.

T.J., can I have a word with you?

In private?

Oh, it's okay, Dad.

You can talk in front of him.

He doesn't understand anything.

Well, maybe he just doesn't

understand yelling.

I have to be tough on him, Dad.

Look, you guys have been at it for hours.

Now, why don't you give him a break?

A break?

Dad, there are no breaks

in the real world,

and no chimp of mine

is going to be a slacker.

Listen, kid, I know you want him to

be the T.J. of chimps,

but maybe he's not.

Maybe this is the best he can do.

I don't believe that.

He's got a lot of potential,

and he's just not living up to it.

If he doesn't achieve more,

I'm going to be very angry.

Well, speaking as a fellow parent

and having tried that before,

I can tell you that sometimes those kind

of threats don't really work on kids.

Sometimes your child just needs to know

that you love him just the way he is.

If I don't push him,

he'll never do better.

Well, as one parent to another,

May I suggest to you that you at least

take a -minute study break,

Maybe even a nap.

Well, I'm sure he can sleep now,

But I certainly can't.

Oh, just lay down awhile.

Close your eyes. Give 'em a rest.

Hey, uh, come here. Have a snack. Come on.

[chimp hoots]

There you go. See? I got the old man

off your back.

That's what a grandparent does.

Hey, T.J., I'll check on you in...

[sighs]

Two hours?

Somebody was supposed to wake me.

Okay, come on, Homer.

Homer, quit hiding.

We've got a lot of work to do.

Homer...

Oh, no.

Homer!

Dad!

Well, I wouldn't take it so hard.

I'm sure he likes you.

I mean you're smart and you're pretty

and you've got a great personality.

Most chimps would be lucky

to get a hug from you.

Dad, Homer's gone. Homer's gone.

I woke up, and the window was open, and--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Homer's gone?

Yes. You were right, Dad.

I pushed him too hard.

I didn't give him enough support and love,

and now he's out there wandering

the lonely streets

with low self-esteem and

no education to speak of.

Look, he can't have gone far.

You and I will go out front

and look in the trees.

Yvette, you stay here

in case he comes back.

But he won't come back

if Yvette stays here.

I don't think he likes her too much.

He likes me just fine.

He's just been hurt by women,

and so he's pushing me away.

Can you believe that guy, man,

tryin' to rip us off like that?

Well, look, we're just gonna give Deion

these bars back

and get off the hook.

Whoa! Monkey.

Yo, man, Deion is not gonna take these

bars back with monkey butt all over them.

Get your stinkin' paws off our candy bars,

you dirty rotten ape!

[chimp screams]

[chimp hoots]

He ain't one of them

old flyin' monkeys, is he?

-[chimp screams]

-Homer

Homer!

Whew! There's that monkey.

Thank goodness you're alright.

I was worried sick about you.

Forget about him. What about us?

Yeah. All our merchandise

just got monkeyfied.

He ate 'em all?

No. He just opened up

each one, took a bite, and threw it back.

You think he would have figured

he didn't like them by the th one.

Stupid monkey.

Don't call him stupid!

Even if he isn't all that smart.

He's a good chimp.

He's my chimp, no matter what he does.

I'll never push you that hard again

and don't worry about the test on Monday.

As long as you do your best,

that's all I care about.

[chimp hoots]

Aw, that is so sweet.

Can I have a hug, too?

Clearly, he was taken from

his mother too young.

So is Deion giving you your money back?

Oh, no need.

We put our entrepreneurial skills to work,

and we found a buyer

for our entire inventory.

Who'd want $ , worth of half-eaten

health bars?

The zoo.

Say hello to Momar's

mouthwatering monkey chow,

For the health-conscious chimp.

Nothing worse than a chimp

with love handles.

I'm sure he did fine.

Yeah. He finished before the other chimps.

I hope he went back

and double-checked his answers.

Well, how did he do?

Better than we expected, but...

Not good enough?

A .

A "C".

A "C". well, that's great. He's average.

He's an average chimp. Average is good.

But we need better than average chimps

for this program.

Oh, yeah. That's okay.

I'm sure he did his best.

You did your best, right?

He did his best.

I'm sorry, but, uh...

I'm afraid we're gonna have to send him

to the, uh...

You know.

Oh, I know.

Can I tell him?

Good news, Homer.

You don't have to stay in

this boring place anymore.

You get to go to a big park with big trees

and waterfalls and girl chimps.

It'll be a lot of fun.

[chimp cries]

I know. I know.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

But at some point,

you're gonna have to make it on your own.

Just remember...

I love you.

Hey, I think he understood that.

Yeah. I think he did, too.

Hey, guys.

Hey, so how did Homer do?

Well, he's going to an animal park,

but it's only an hour away,

so we can visit him any time we want.

Yeah. I'm still gonna miss him.

Aw... Come here, T.J.

Aah!

That's cold.

-Dad--

-Aah! Ooh ooh!

[clapper] I'm never working

for this guy again.