02x21 - Something Wicked This Way Comes

[bunniefuu]

You got to help me.

The worst possible thing has happened.

My whole world is crashing in around me!

[all together] What happened?

What's the matter?

My parents are finally going

on the honeymoon they have never had.

Well, that was a waste of concern.

That's not a problem.

That's an opportunity!

You got the house to yourself.

Man, we are going to throw

the dopest house party ever!

Man, it's going to be

three days of earsplitting,

nonstop, mad-dog boogie mania! [chuckles]

with-- ahem-- you as a chaperone,

of course.

So, how come your parents never went

on a honeymoon, Mo?

As soon as they got married,

my pop shipped off with

our valiant fighting boys to Grenada.

The big one.

"The big one"?

It was a two-day w*r on a golf course

in the Caribbean.

Hell comes in many forms, my friend.

Needless to say, when Pops returned,

he was in no shape

to see a resort hotel again.

But now the scars have healed?

Yeah. But they're making me stay at my

crazy aunt Ellen's.

Man, you could stay with us, man.

No, he could not.

Oh, come on, Dad. He won't be any trouble.

He'll stay in our room.

Look, we'll feed him, and we'll take

good care of him.

He's not a dog, T.J.

You have to admit he's loyal.

As the day is long.

Hey, and he's friendly.

Hello there!

-Okay, you can stay.

-Alright! Yeah!

We'll be like The Three Musketeers!

I'll be Aramis!

No. You'll be quiet-is

and stay out of our way.

Wait a second now. It's T.J.'s room, too.

I don't want you guys ganging up on him.

-You understand?

-[chuckles] Absolutely, Pops.

I mean it, Marcus.

Well, listen, as long as we're laying down

some ground rules,

I have a few of my own.

If you use my bathroom, I'll k*ll you.

If you touch my underwear

in the dryer, I'll k*ll you.

If you try and make eye contact

with me, I'll k*ll you.

-Well, what if I was--

- I'll k*ll you.

Okay. Same rules as my aunt Ellen.

[whistle blows]

♪ Another slice of the life

Of Master T.J. Henderson ♪

♪ Super-intelligent,

A fine young gentleman ♪

♪ A -year-old whiz kid

Bustin' high school ♪

♪ A pugnacious little shorty

With a thousand I.Q. ♪

♪ He's got a way with the ladies ♪

♪ And he's keepin' it real ♪

♪ Your favorite little study buddy

He knows the deal ♪

♪ That he's still just a kid

On the ball, very clever ♪

♪ You can say that he's bright

Brainy, gifted, whatever ♪

♪ Your brother is smart ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ He's a smart guy ♪

What say, brother?

I want to get dressed for Ricky's party.

-What?

-Whoa.

Ricky's party.

Man, Ricky's party ain't going

to be bumping till : .

What?

Till : .

T.J., will you turn that down?

What?

[lowers volume]

Listen, man, I thought we had

an understanding,

Okay? You don't play these stupid loud

video games,

and I don't use your head

to clean the toilet.

Hey, Mo's playing it, too.

Well, he's just playing it

just to be nice.

Die!

Mo, let's go. I just used the last

of my Michael Jordan cologne.

I smell like a rich, sweaty athlete.

Now, I don't want to lose the scent

before I hit this party, now.

Don't worry. They can smell it from here.

[telephone rings]

The VGX plays all the hits all the time.

Yeah, hold on. Marcus, it's for you.

The wondrous Shandra.

[chuckles]

Shandra... what's going on, baby?

Yeah, I was just about to call you

'cause, you know, the rain

always makes me think about you.

Excuse me, sweetness.

Yeah, could-- could you hold on

for a minute? Alright, baby.

Uh, listen, Webster,

you're canceled. Outside.

How come every time you're

on the phone talking to a girl

I have to leave the room?

Because I was here first, so bounce!

Well, then he has to leave, too.

No, he doesn't.

Hey, I was here before he was. There.

I used your own logic against you.

Shandra.

Yeah, could you please hold on

while I go clean the toilet?

We got a good game going here.

Besides, I think I got the fix.

-Can you hear me?

-No.

See?

Yeah, Shandra. Yeah. I'm sorry, girl.

It's just that when I heard you

was on the phone,

oh, my heart just started b*ating.

Thub-dub, thub-dub, thub-dub...

[screams]

[imitating flat line]

Code blue! Code blue!

Get a crash cart out here!

Clear!

Clear!

Where's George Clooney when you need him?

Clear!

He's down!

Hey, Mr. H.

Ah, I see you have

a love jones for Sara Lee.

There's no love involved.

It's purely physical between us.

We are so much alike, you and I.

Do you want some cake, Mo?

Just cut me the least little sliver.

Bigger.

Bigger.

There it is.

-Can you get us a couple of forks?

-Yeah.

My, my. Our Miss Yvette is home,

and she's not alone.

You want to check this guy out?

Oh, no. I promised Yvette

I wouldn't spy on her boyfriends.

Understood.

-But I didn't say you wouldn't.

-Oh, no, I couldn't.

I gave you cake.

Well, he's about ' ", pounds,

and he looks familiar,

but I just cannot place him.

-Oh, there's a kiss.

-Time it. One-Mississippi, two--

Oh, it wasn't nothing.

Oh! Oh! Here she comes!

Did you know these salt shakers

were made in Taipei?

-Mm-hmm.

-Just the right amount of holes.

You were spying on me, weren't you?

No, I wasn't. Mo was.

I was trying to stop him.

So, who's the guy?

Now, I know I know him.

Uh, probably not. He doesn't

go to our high school.

Does he have a name?

Clay Brooks! That's who that guy is.

Man, that was driving me crazy.

Oh, well, good. Now we know.

I'm going to go to bed.

Alright, love you, good night.

I don't know why it took me so long.

He only graduated two years ago.

Graduated?

He's a sophomore in college.

It's no big thing.

A sophomore in college?

Uh-uh!

You are too young.

Dad, I've dated older guys before.

Not older guys with off-campus apartments.

He lives in a frat house.

Then you are definitely not dating him.

-Mm-hmm.

-Are you siding with him?

Oh, no. I'm just grooving

on this cake here. Mmm!

[Yvette] So that's it?

I can't date him because he's attending

an institution of higher learning?

That would be my gist.

Okay. You're narrow-minded and unfair,

and I can't wait till I move out

and I can do what I want to do.

Yeah, buddy.

Oh, no. The cake again.

Hey-oh, man, you want to go

to the garage and lift some weights?

Uh, no, man. I don't want

to get too bulky.

Besides, me and the kid got

a slamming game of checkers,

I'm all toasty next to the heat vent,

and later on we're going to have

some biscuits and mustard.

Now, you can't b*at that.

Man, I got a lot of energy, man!

I got to do something!

How about cleaning up your side

of the room?

There's about pounds

of clothes over there.

Lift those. That should break a sweat.

I'd rather be a little messy

than to be some neat freak.

A little messy?

This... is a little messy.

This is Florida in hurricane season.

You know what, bro? This is my room,

and I can put my clothes anywhere

I want to, okay? I can put them here...

I can put them here,

I can even put them here.

It's getting kind of thick around here.

Oh, no. It's okay.

I've been putting up with this

for a long time now,

and I've learned if I want a clean room...

I'm going to have to clean it myself,

so I'm just going to pick up these clothes

and put them where they belong.

That's right.

You better hope that's a soft pile

'cause you fitting to land on it.

-You may not want to see this.

-Whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Man, you can't k*ll your little brother.

-Man I'm tired with him, okay.

-You'll be grounded for that.

I'm tired of his whining,

I'm tired of his smart-aleck remarks,

and I am definitely tired of his weird

habit of putting everything in its place.

Remember, you got to admit

you live like a farm animal.

You been in my room a thousand times.

You ain't never complained before.

That was because you never put

your drawers on my pillow, man!

That's just nasty.

Okay, look.

Anybody who thinks Marcus should pick

up his clothes... raise your hand.

I got to tell it like it is, bro.

See? Even Mo agrees with me.

You know, it's not really easy

living with somebody

who's slovenly, unkempt,

and a big, fat pig!

You know what? It's been no picnic

living with you either.

But that's alright.

I'm just going to gather my things...

and my dirty drawers that I done

only worn two times this week...

and I'm out.

So, I hear you moved on up.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you know...

it's not exactly a deluxe apartment

in the sky, but, you know, it's mine.

I like it.

I also hear you had a little

falling out with T.J.

What did he say?

He said you were a mean butthead

who disports himself like Robespierre.

Who is Robespierre?

I'm thinking a French butthead.

Well, what's your side of the story?

My side of the story is that

I'm years old,

and it's just time for me

to get my own space.

You know. But, you know,

I knew how much you like to have...

a big brother around T.J.

You know, now he has... a big brother.

And I got my new room, so everything's

cool. Every-- every... everyone's happy.

So this is a permanent move for you, then?

Oh, yeah. Well, like I said, you know,

it's time for me to get my own space.

I'm becoming a man.

Look.

Is that a mustache?

And goatee.

Turn toward the light.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, if there's enough room up here

for you to be a man,

you're welcome to it.

Are you kidding? This place is great-- Ow.

I'll get you a helmet.

Whoo whoo! Whoo!

Last stop!

Whew. That was great. I nearly puked.

There's no higher praise, Mo.

Hey, Dad, Mo is so cool.

He's as strong as an ox.

Well, I like to keep fit.

Marcus hasn't been able to pick me

up for years.

Well, I don't like

picking things up, remember?

Hey, man, I came to see you

at Casa de Marcus,

and you weren't there.

Ah, well, I was picking up some

essentials for my spot.

What'd you get?

A bag of Doritos and

a Janet Jackson poster.

Can't get more essential than that.

Yeah.

Hey, Dad, watch this. I can punch Mo

in the arm a zillion times,

and it doesn't hurt him at all.

Too much fun for me.

Okay, little Holyfield,

that's enough. Arr!

What do you want to play now?

I'd like to play the Mo-eats-lunch game.

Oh, come on, Mo. You can eat anytime.

Come on, play with me,

play with me, play with me.

Okay, okay.

Let's play hide and go seek.

You go run and hide.

-Okay.

-One, two, three, four, five, lunch.

Oh, hey, honey.

-Father.

-[telephone rings]

The VGX plays all the hits all the time.

Clay! Hey, college boy.

You're the man of the hour.

Yvette, it's your man.

No, it's not.

Tell him my father won't

allow me to talk to him.

She says that her father won't

allow her to talk to you.

She can talk to him.

She just can't date him.

Talking's just been approved.

Dating's still on the no list.

You're being unreasonable.

You're saying you don't trust me.

No. I trust you. It's him I don't trust.

He's questioning your character.

You never even met him.

He's a very nice guy.

Mo. Mo Tibbs.

Yeah, I'm a close friend of the family.

Alright. You want to see this guy?

Maybe we can work out a compromise.

I'm listening.

Have your first couple dates at the house.

Let me get to know him.

Let him see you come from

a loving family, a caring family,

a family whose father

is a third-degree black belt!

Okay, fine.

Just spend some time here

at the house with the family.

That's all they're asking.

Look you want to score some points,

bring some chocolate cake.

The old man loves it.

Later.

Oh, he'll be here tomorrow at : .

Hey, Mo, what happened?

I was hiding up there forever.

Oh-- man, where were you?

I was looking all over the place.

I was just about to call .

I bet I find you this time.

Go ahead, run, run.

I'll count

one, two, three, four... roast beef.

No, no, no. Not the NFL glasses.

The nice ones. The ones for company.

Alright, T.J.,

Try not to embarrass me, okay?

Forks go on the left, knives on the right.

Yeah. Everyone knows that,

shrimp cocktail.

How would you know?

You eat with your hands.

Yeah, and I can also make fists

with them, too.

Why don't you use your fists

to go get some plates?

-Which ones?

-I don't know. Ask Yvette.

Yvette, what does the cradle robber

prefer to eat off?

The good stuff, and his name is Clay.

Mo, you seem to be the only sane person

in this house right now.

No doubt, no doubt.

And while that disturbs me

to my very soul,

I feel like I have to turn to you.

What seems to be the problem?

[Marcus] Yvette, do guys who prey on

high school girls

prefer Italian or Caesar dressing?

Please help me keep my family

from scaring off Clay tonight.

See what I mean?

What'd I do now?

You're wearing the color red.

That's a very aggressive shirt.

It's like saying to him, "stay away.

We don't like you."

No. It's like saying, "it's laundry day.

This is all I got left."

[T.J.] If you need clothes,

check Marcus' floor. [chuckles]

-[slaps]

-Ow! Watch it.

Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Look, I'm not wild about this whole idea,

Yvette, so don't test me.

Don't test you? I'm the one who can't have

a date without a houseful of chaperones.

We're not Amish, you know.

You know what? If the two of you

are going to bicker,

I'd rather not be in the middle of it.

Excuse me. I'm going into the kitchen

for some peace and quiet.

You did that on purpose.

I-- I slipped... like this.

Oh, my gosh...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, man, that's a trip.

Oops.

Whole lot of slippin' going on there.

Man, that is just a waste

of some fine gravy.

You know there are people in china

eating dry pot roast?

Come over here, T.J. Let me

get that stain before it sets.

Thanks, Mo. You're a better brother

than Marcus ever was.

Oh, fine. Tag along behind him

for years and see how long he lasts.

You know what? I'm not gettin'

in the middle of this.

If you prefer,

I can eat dinner butt naked.

I prefer you eat dinner elsewhere.

There we go, here he is.

And don't take that tone with me,

young lady...

There's plenty more gravy back there...

[all arguing]

Alright. That's it.

All of you, sit down. Sit.

Or stand, in your case, Mr. Henderson.

Now, I have to say, I am extremely

disappointed in each and every one of you.

Less so in your case, Mr. Henderson.

Now, I've always loved coming

over to this house,

and to be honest, I've always

wanted to be part of this family.

And do you know why?

'Cause the fridge is full?

And do you know why else?

Because I thought that this family showed

a respect and a love for each other

that's hard to find nowadays.

I thought this family dealt with problems

and disagreements

by talking and listening,

but all I've seen in the four days that

I've lived here is dishonesty,

discord, and distrust.

Now, maybe I put this family on

a rose-colored pedestal,

and that was wrong, but I can't stand

to see y'all like this.

I'd rather remember you the way

you were at your best.

So I'm packin' up my things.

I'm goin' to stay with my aunt Ellen.

[knocking]

-Can I come in?

-Uh, yeah.

I guess so.

I like what you've done with the place.

Have a seat.

You know, I was down there thinking

while Mo was packing up.

If you really want to have your own room,

you should have that room,

'cause you were the first there,

and I can actually stand up in here.

Ah. That'd be cool, but you probably

wouldn't like it up here anyway.

I mean, it's spooky, cold, drafty,

and I think there's something living

in that wall, man.

I mean does that look like blood to you?

Oh, no. That's just the oxidation

of the flashing metal.

Oh, oh. Th-that's what I thought, too.

You know, if it's that cold

and drafty and haunted,

you can come back downstairs.

You mean with you?

We can get Dad to build a wall

right down the middle of the room.

That could work.

Or we can try and work out our problems

we've been having as per Mo's diatribe.

When he yelled at us?

Yeah.

When Mo's disappointed in you,

you've really been disappointing.

Yeah.

Look, I'll try and give you more privacy

and try not to nag you about certain

messy habits that bother me.

That's cool.

This is the part where you

give me something.

-W-watch out.

-Thanks.

Um...

Well, look, I'll try to be

a more patient older brother

and try to keep my little dirty

underwear off your modem.

And keep it off my head?

Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

Is that supposed to be a blackened

Cajun sort of thing?

An hour ago it was a perfect

vertically roasted chicken.

Looks more like a roasted raisin.

Dad, please don't gloat.

It's bad enough he didn't show up.

Well, maybe he had car trouble.

Maybe he slid off the road

and he's lying in a ditch somewhere.

That's very sweet of you to say,

but I don't have that kind of luck.

I don't know if I ever made

it really clear to you

why I've got such strong feelings about

you not going out with college guys.

You think they're gonna jump me

and I won't be able to stop them.

Basically.

Dad, don't you think I can handle that?

Don't you think I know

when somebody's sincere?

Well, you mean like Clay,

who's... not in a ditch?

That was awfully close to gloating.

Listen, honey, I'm not trying

to ruin your life.

I'm just trying to watch out for you.

I know. And you were gloating.

Just a little.

Hey, Pop, is it alright if me and T.J.

go catch a flick?

-Together?

-Sure. That's what brothers do...

after extended negotiations.

Here's the number to my aunt Ellen's.

If you don't hear from me

in a couple of days,

send somebody over

to check on me, would you?

Look, Mo, we don't want you to leave,

and we're sorry if we behaved poorly

in your presence.

Yeah, man. We want you

to give us another chance.

We love each other again. Really.

You guys don't have to front for me.

No. We're a wonderful,

tight-knit family again. See?

Okay. I'll stay.

Yeah! Mo's back!

Let's play the punching game.

Alright. My turn.

Game over.

Dad, you promised me you wouldn't come

down here and binge on cake anymore.

-You want some?

-Yeah.

Get a fork.

Ohhhh... our Marcus is home,

and he's not alone.

It's the wondrous Shandra.

Mm-hmm.

Don't you want to check this girl out?

Nah. It's nothing to worry about.

Well...

if that isn't the double standard.

I'm out there with a boy,

and the swat team is on speed dial,

but Marcus, a boy, is out there

with somebody,

and it's nothing to worry about.

It's not.

It's Marcus.

Ah! They're kissing.

-[slap]

-Ow!

Oh. I see your point.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.