03x05 - That's My Momma

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Here are the numbers

you can reach me at at the convention.

Now, the pager number's

for emergencies,

and the cell phone number's for quick

questions 'cause the first minute's free,

and the hotel number is so you guys

can call and tell me how much you miss me.

Alright, just call me

if somebody fell off the roof.

Now, look, Friday after school,

you got to take T.J.

to his computer science class--

Dad, don't you remember what

I'm doing this weekend?

My play?

How could anybody forget

an all-woman version

of the Brothers Karamazov?

I don't think he forgot.

I think he wisely chose

to be miles away.

Well, anyway, I'm

gonna be way too busy

with rehearsals and tech run-throughs

to baby-sit the boys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Nobody baby-sits me.

Yeah. Me, neither.

Hey, where's my fish sticks? I'm hungry.

Well, now, if you can't do it,

I guess that means that...

I have to call your aunt, Olivia.

Oh, no. Not aunt Olivia.

She smells like cat food.

Dad, did it ever cross your mind

that maybe I could be left in charge?

Yeah. I'm sure it crossed his mind,

and then his mind went "pfffft."

I'm tired of gettin' no respect.

I'm almost years old.

I know son. It's just,

there are a lot of responsibilities

involved in managing a household.

Hey, I do responsible stuff all the time.

Yeah. He boiled the corn.

Now, come on, Pops, now,

unless you give me a sh*t,

I will never be able to show

you what I can do.

Alright, Marcus, you're in charge.

About time.

Now, I'm gonna leave you

some money for pizza and Chinese food.

Don't order them both in the same night.

Make it last. Got it.

Oh, Marcus?

No parties.

No parties. Got it.

Just a couple people over at the house.

Keep it on the down low.

No people.

No people. Got it.

Just me, Mo, and a couple girls, chillin'.

No girls and no Mo if you can prevent it.

I can't. He's got a key.

Well, I'm going to a home

and hardware convention.

I'll get some new locks.

Hello? Fish sticks.

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from a to z ♪

♪ With each mistake

there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the

game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when

you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. know-it-all ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Hey, Marcus, lend me bucks

for a Celine Dion tape.

I want to see what all the fuss is about.

You already owe me $.

Fair enough. Fellas?

-No.

-No.

You already owe

everybody here bucks.

Actually, you only owe me .

Well, in that case you better give me six.

You don't want to be different

from the other guys.

Alright, I'll see you all later.

I'm going to the nurse's office

and pick up some first-aid books.

In case the kid over here chokes

or drinks some bleach over the weekend.

No one dies on my watch.

Honestly, between Marcus and me,

Who do you think is more

likely to drink bleach?

I'm thinking Marcus.

Maybe you're thinking me.

Do I have something

hanging out of my nose?

No. It's just when Marcus leaves,

you're supposed to go, too.

Oh, come on, guys. That is so last year.

I'm a junior now. I'm one of you guys.

Oh, listen, tattoo, if you don't--

Uh, uh, uh...

Allow me.

I can do it without hurting

the boy's feelings.

They think you're a freak

and you'll never, ever fit in.

You're like a brother to me,

but to them, when Marcus is not here,

you're still a -year-old,

brainiac stick-in-the-mud.

Thanks for not hurting my feelings.

You're welcome.

Bad news, guys.

Mom's navy reserve

weekend got switched,

so she won't be going

out of town this Saturday.

Oh, so the party's off?

Unless a w*r breaks out, yeah.

Man this whole weekend

is, uh, it's jacked-up.

Man, I cannot be

at my mom's house this Saturday.

She's giving a lingerie party.

Grandma loves to model.

You know, you guys can

all come over to my party.

You're having a party?

Oh, goody, man.

Is there going to be a clown

and a moon bounce, too?

Yeah, you gonna hand out

little pointy hats

and eat some ice cream

and have a moon bounce?

I already said moon bounce, man.

Pay attention.

My dad's going out of town.

No adults. Big empty house.

Dad out of town. No Dad.

I think you see my point.

Yeah. This party's gonna fill up fast

now that Tony's is history.

Oh, yeah.

So the price to get in has got to go up.

What price?

Excuse me, fellas.

The party committee needs to caucus.

Why would you put a price on this?

I want people to come.

Look, if something's free,

people don't think it's worth anything.

You slap a $. price tag on it

and people are jumpin'

over the velvet rope to get in.

Now, between you, me, and Marcus,

this will be the blowout of the year.

No. No, Marcus.

I don't want him getting all the credit.

This is my party.

This is the party that gets me

a permanent seat at that table.

We don't always sit at that table.

Sometimes we sit at that table over

there. I like that one.

It's a figure of speech, Mo.

Hey, yo, Teej, dinner's ready.

What are you doing home?

I thought you were

out playing ball at the park.

I was. But I broke it off early

because I am in charge of your well being.

Now, let's see, I got corn dogs,

chocolate-covered pretzels,

Otter Pops, and some fruit

which I left back at the supermarket.

Oh, well. The Otter Pops are purple,

so I'm sure that's some kind of fruit.

Who's all this for?

Me.

Hello, there.

Okay, what are you doing here?

Settin' up for the party.

A party?

Man, T.J., are you brain dead?

Don't you remember

what Dad said before he left?

I have a IQ.

I can not only remember what Dad said,

I can repeat it in Portuguese.

Well, in English it was "No parties."

Actually, it was "No parties, Marcus."

He at no time said "No parties, T.J."

Ha ha. I believe my peewee little party

friend has what we call a legal loophole.

[music plays]

Oh. Party over here.

-$., please.

-Thank you.

T.J., Dad's gonna b*at me down for this.

He can't 'cause

you didn't know about the party.

You walked in, and you were shocked.

Shocked!

You bet I was shocked.

Good. See?

We now have what we call

plausible deniability.

You didn't know anything.

Gentlemen, $. please.

Hold on, hold on.

You owe all of us money.

That's why I'm letting you in for free.

Now we're even.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Now, the party is $.,

and you owe us .

I took care of parking.

Oh, thanks.

Party's shaping up, Marcus.

It's, uh, my party, Carl.

Yeah. You the man, Marcus.

Actually, I'm the man, Deon.

Sure.

See? My party.

Guys, my party.

Marcus had nothing to do with this.

So what you're saying is,

your party... your responsibility,

your butt whipping.

If caught, which I won't be,

and I assume full liability.

'Cause it's my happening, baby,

and it's freaking me out.

Listen, T.J., I don't know, man.

Oh, come on, Marcus--

Hey, Marcus, nice house.

Thanks for having us over to your party.

No. No, no, no. See, this is not my party.

This is T.J.'s party.

Hey, Mo, what's up?

What up, Tony?

That'll be $, please,

For you and your underaged friend.

She's my sister.

My parents stuck me with her tonight.

Got somewhere I can put her?

Sure, but it's an extra $.

charge for child care.

Alright.

Facility is upstairs,

second door on the right in Yvette's room.

Stay out of her underwear drawer.

She hates that.

[slow music plays]

Man, why'd you do that?

The party was happening.

You got to keep the pace up.

I was just getting my groove on.

Sorry, little bro'. Party rules.

You gotta play some slow jams

so people can pair off.

You're paired with me?

So, what am I supposed to do?

Watch and learn. Your day will come.

The guys says,

"I rang the bell, didn't i?"

[all laugh]

I-I missed it, you mind telling it again?

Sorry man, that was

for mature audiences only.

Hey, I'm old enough!

You can't shock me.

[gasps] Is that beer?

Yeah, it's beer.

What? Do you got a problem with that?

Oh, no.

I don't have a problem with anything.

Anything else we could do for you?

No. Just taking

a little break from dancing.

Break's over!

Ohh... are we keeping you up?

I remember when I was your age.

I used to sit at the top of the stairs

and watch my big brother's parties, too.

Don't stay up too late, now.

Five bucks, gentlemen. Five bucks.

Ooh, ooh, lucky lady,

It's tube-tops-get-in-free night.

Come on in.

Yes, yes... Yes, yes.

Um, Mo?

Is there some time tonight

I can have a few moments of your time?

How 'bout right now?

Oh. Bingo.

Um, it's about Louis.

Now, I don't mean to question

anybody's motives,

but he keeps trying to lick my neck.

Once or twice could

have been an accident.

You want me to get rid of him?

Nina, where you been?

Louis!

Please.

Louis, my man, I've got a very

important job for you.

Ice. A party runs on ice.

Now, you're the only guy

I'm trusting with this,

so don't go to that store on the corner.

-They got bad ice.

-Bad ice?

Yeah. I think they make it from

the Potomac or something.

There's a store in Georgetown.

Hi-Hat liquor.

Best ice in town.

Ask for a brother named Deebo.

He'll hook you up.

Here's $. I'm countin' on you.

Hey, T.J., how's everything

going with you? That's nice.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, and more importantly,

thanks for caring,

'cause that's what keeps me going--

The respect and affection of my peers.

Thanks to going to all this trouble, T.J.

You're quite the sport.

Oh, glad to do it.

Nothing is too good

for my school chums.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, uh...

No one important.

Did somebody drag you here, too?

No. I did the dragging.

Everybody's here because it's my party.

Why would you throw a party for people

a lot older than you?

I go to school with them.

Oh, you're that freakishly smart kid

my brother talks about.

Yeah.

That would be me, "The freak".

My brother said that. I didn't say that.

You seem okay to me.

Your head doesn't look like a giant egg.

You know, there's a reason

people say this stuff behind my back.

So, how come you're not inside

at your party?

Oh... I got bored.

Me, too.

So what's there to do around here

when you're bored?

Okay! Hit it, Mikey Man!

-Yeah, baby...

-[cheering]

[thud]

Hey, what is going on in here?

Man, it's a slip 'n slide contest.

It's a great way of getting girls

in their drawers.

What girls?

[thud]

Carry on.

[thud]

What are they doing in there?

Obviously something

I'm not mature enough to be a part of.

If you don't like high school so much,

why are you in it?

I like high school.

It's getting high school

to like me that seems to be the problem.

Is that why you had the party,

to get them to like you?

Yeah. Worked like a charm,

don't you think?

I'm having a good time.

Yeah, me, too.

[thud]

Hey, Marcus,

Your boys are making a mess

in the kitchen.

No, man. They are not my boys,

and this is not my mess.

This is T.J.'s party.

He's gonna have to clean it all up

before Dad gets home.

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna take a slide

through the kitchen.

Doesn't bother me at all.

Excuse me.

Marcus, I was just curious.

Have you totally lost your mind?

No. See, this is not my party.

This is T.J.'s party.

This is T.J.'s party?

Yeah. I mean, he planned it,

invited everybody...

Look, I walked in and was shocked.

Shocked!

So, this is what you're

planning on telling Dad?

It's the truth.

He's got plausible deniability.

Ho ho ho ho. This is gonna be so good.

Uh, they're wearing my shorts!

Yes, they are.

It's a slip 'n slide contest

in the kitchen.

I can get you in the quarter finals.

Like I would participate

in something that is so totally degrading.

You have got to be-- I'll be a judge.

[music plays]

It's your turn, you know.

I really like this song.

You want to dance with me?

I don't know if I--

Come on. It won't hurt.

Okay.

[music stops]

[slow music plays]

Oh, that's too bad.

No.

I like this song, too.

Come on, dance.

I'm up here.

It's true. I've always had

an irregular heartbeat.

Yeah, but to the rhythm

of the friends theme?

Yes. Here, feel.

Ahh...

See?

Yeah. How do you do that?

My mom says it's 'cause she drank

a ton of ice coffee

when she was pregnant with me.

Hey! Why are you messing with Nina?

Huh?

That's why you sent me

to Georgetown to get ice--

So, you could move in on my lady.

First of all, I'm not your lady.

And second of all...

Eww.

I wouldn't be so picky if I was you.

Louis, maybe you should take that ice

into the kitchen and cool down.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Jimmy, man, you alright?

Man, what just happened?

Just a minor disagreement, man.

No biggie. Just...

No biggie?

Man, this whole window is smashed.

Do you know how much it's gonna

cost to get it fixed?

Don't worry.

You got plausible deniability.

And you got a pocket full of party

money. Fork it over.

Marcus, you got a problem--

I know, I know. I'm on it. Broken window.

But I got the cash to fix it.

Well, do you know anybody

who can fix it right now?

[answering machine] Hey, guys,

it's about :. The home fair was a bust,

so I'm just gonna head on home.

I'll see you around :.

What time is it?

:.

Maybe he got in an accident.

Marcus!

I mean Dad's just thrown from the car.

He's fine, but delayed.

Anyway, sicko, you better

get these people outta here.

And I'm gonna need your help.

Use your scary face.

That's the one.

Alright, party's over, people!

Party is over!

Get going. Let's go.

[music stops]

Oh, darn. I was just getting

the hang of it.

Yo, Vanessa, party's over.

Either hustle it up or you're walking

home by yourself.

Just hold on.

I'm not holdin' on.

Fine. I'll walk home by myself.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I just live a couple of blocks away.

Then... I'll walk you home.

Oh, Okay.

Don't stop, Okay?

Now, you're driving him home, right?

Yeah, yeah.

-Are you born stupid, man. Don't stop.

-Don't do that.

Hello, Marcus.

Dad, I believe you know Carl...

No. No--

[retching]

Oh! Oh, man, not on my bricks...

I'll get the hose.

Thanks for walking me home.

No problem.

Sorry you had such a bad time

at your party.

Well, I had a great time

outside my party, thanks to you.

I wouldn't have had much fun if

you hadn't been there.

You know, next time I have

a high school party,

I'm not inviting any high school kids.

Who'd you invite?

Well, a bunch of kids my age and... you.

Really?

Yeah. I think you'll be

the first one I call.

Well, good night.

Yeah. Good night.

Well, I think I handled that pretty well.

Alright, hit the bricks, you two.

And be careful. They're slippery.

How could you?

Mr. Henderson, if I might just say

in Marcus' defense--

Go home, Mo.

Sounds good.

Dad, I know this is bad--

Marcus, don't even talk to me.

I told you no parties.

I come home to find my house busted

up, girls running around in their underwear,

Kids drinking beer

and throwing up on my porch.

How could you?

Now, get upstairs and get to sleep,

'cause you're gonna

be up at six a.m. cleaning.

I can clean some of this up now.

No. I want him to clean it all,

and I want it to leave scars.

You know, it's my understanding

that this isn't % Marcus' fault.

Well, if it's not his fault,

then whose is it?

♪ Ba-da-doo-bop bop bop bop ♪

Aah.

Where have you been?

What are you doing back so early?

Apparently bustin' up Marcus' party

for which he's about to be punished.

How bad are you punishing him?

It's going to be Biblical.

Unless you have something to tell me.

Oh crud...

It's not mine. I just found it, I swear.

I believe you.

Finally... I catch a break.

Well, you may have

caught a second break.

Your brother just confessed

to the whole thing.

He did?

Oh, yeah.

He said that he threw the party

to try to fit in.

Told me you didn't even know about it.

He said you were shocked. Shocked!

Well... yeah.

He also said you tried to stop it,

but it was beyond your control.

I guess.

Well, I suppose I should

have gotten your side of the story first.

I mean, I put you in charge.

So, I should at least let you explain

before I jump down your throat.

No. You had every right

to jump down my throat.

You didn't put me in charge.

I asked to be put in charge

and I blew it.

I could have stopped the party

after it started, but I didn't.

Really?

It doesn't matter if T.J.'s willing

to take the blame for it.

It was my responsibility.

You know, I believe

you really meant that.

Let me tell you something, son.

Taking the blame when you screw up,

now, that shows some maturity.

But taking the blame

when somebody else gives you an out...

that's downright impressive.

-So I'm off the hook?

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You are on the hook.

It's just that T.J.'s hanging there

with you sharing my wrath.

Hmm.

So am I grounded?

Oh, yes. Three weeks.

Starting tomorrow morning.

Ha.

So I can't go to Yvette's play.

Oh, no. You're going.

That's part of my wrath.

I dropped some crumbs!

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Missed a spot.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

How are things at school

since you threw the big party?

Oh, nothing's changed.

Was it worth it?

[tap tap]

Yeah, baby...

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.