03x06 - A b*ating is Fundamental

[bunniefuu]

Son. Son, don't do that.

I'm sorry, Pop, But don't you want

Mo's party to be a success?

I'd love for Mo's party to be a success.

I would love Mo's party to be at Mo's.

Mo's house is being sprayed

for Hymenoptera Formicidae.

Go.

That would be ants,

specifically Bulldog ants,

A meat-eating ant from Australia.

How did ants from Australia

get to the Tibbs' house?

Do you really want to know?

Probably not.

Mail-order meat.

Watch your step, Pop.

How come Floyd keeps

a waste basket near the front porch?

He dumps junk mail right into it.

Isn't that something?

You could make money off of that.

Morris, are you sure you're

not disappointed

we gave away your surprise party?

We really didn't mean to.

I know you didn't, Moms, but helpful hint:

Next time, don't have the guests RSVP

on our answering machine.

That's right. The boy's right, Verla Mae.

Don't worry.

I've got my surprised look all worked out.

They'll think I fell for it.

Hey, Pops, did you see

Mr. Henderson's boot scraper?

He looks like a porcupine!

Isn't that something?

You know, they ought to make one of those

so it looks like Don King's hair.

[both] You could make money off of that.

Hello, Verla Mae. Hello, Delroy.

Hey, mo, how's the birthday boy?

Well, Marcus isn't quite ready

to go out to dinner with you yet.

So why don't you come on into my house?

[everyone] Surprise!

Oh, whuh--wh-whuh?

Oh, you guys...

He knew.

-Someone told.

-So fake.

I don't know. Flowers on this cake

were kind of dry.

That's because they're wax.

I'm gonna go get a Fresca.

Why do we have to tell Mo tonight?

You say that every year.

Every year we say we'll tell him

on his next birthday.

This is his next birthday.

I'm just not sure he's ready for this.

Well, I am. He's old enough to know.

When we get home,

we're gonna tell Mo he's adopted.

I'm adopted?

Adopted?

-♪ I know you're doing your thing

-Yeah ♪

♪ Go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Diggin' it baby, yeah

-Yeah go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh

-Yeah. Come on ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Hey, Mr. Henderson.

Mo, what are you doing

lurking in my garage?

Can't bring myself to go home.

So I thought I'd arrange

your stuff for you.

What are you looking for there?

Nails. You avoiding your parents?

Box nails or finishing nails?

Finishing nails.

Do they even know you're here?

Your finishing nails are in this drawer.

I arranged them by size.

Your carpentry nails are on this shelf.

You're running low on -penny sinkers,

and you also have a spider's nest,

a couple of them actually.

Look, I'll clean it out

for you if you let me stay in your garage.

Look, Mo, I know how you must be feeling.

Really? Were you adopted?

Hey, make yourself comfortable.

Cool.

Hey, Mo. There you are.

What's up, man?

How come you weren't

at school today? You 'right?

Not knowing who my real parents are

has got me tripping.

I used to know who I was, and now

I'm just not sure about anything anymore.

So, let's find your parents.

We can do that?

Sure we can do that. How do we do that?

We use the internet.

There's more on it than

that Pippi Longstocking website.

Hey, that-- that was an accident.

I was searching for

the Scottie Pippen website.

Alright, look, all I need to know

is what hospital you were born at.

Hey, man, Pippi Longstocking

has some fascinating adventures.

Leave me alone.

Alright, let's start with the name

of the adoption agency.

Luna Hill Child placement.

I was born at Walter Reed Hospital

and listed as baby boy "X"

Least that's what

Mr. And Mrs. Tibbs told me,

if they weren't lying about that, too.

Come on, Mo, listen, I know you're upset,

but do you have to be that angry

at your parents?

They're not my parents.

They lied to me for years.

Because of them, I don't know who I am.

I could have brothers I don't know about.

I could have sisters.

Without knowing, I could've

dated one of my own sisters.

I could've made out with my own sister.

Eww.

You might be overreacting a bit.

Am I? How do you think you'd feel

if you were adopted?

I'd feel like my life suddenly

made much more sense.

There it is. The hospital lists

one baby boy "X" for your birth date.

Oh, sh**t. The birth mother's name

is confidential.

Man, I tell you, the system stinks.

We could go down to the adoption agency

and access their restricted files.

Why don't we?

Because it's illegal.

You're right. That's why we'll

need a diversion.

Are you finding everything you need, sir?

Oh, yeah. I just can't decide whether

to do my school report

on people who adopt foreign babies or,

you know, normal ones.

Hi. I'd like two tickets

for the Usher concert, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, young man.

This isn't a ticket agency.

It isn't?

Is this , Spring Street?

Yes, it is.

Hmm. Do you have the yellow pages?

Sure.

Thanks.

Excuse me. I was wondering

if y'all can help me out.

It looks like I got myself kinda pregnant.

I should say so.

Are you considering adoption?

I guess. It's just... [sobbing]

I don't know what to do.

Oh! Don't worry, hon?

Everything will be alright. Yeah.

I never shouldn't've went

to that carnival!

Well, you trust me. Whatever

your situation is, we can handle it.

Bama? Girl, I told you not to come here.

Excuse me. Who's this?

Oh, he just my baby daddy.

I done told you a million times,

we are not giving up that baby.

You leave me be, Candy.

If I hadn't gone into that

house of mirrors with you,

wouldn't none of this never happened.

Maybe we should talk

about counseling, huh?

Yvette's beach ball looks great.

Makes her look like she's got triplets.

[T.J.] Quiet. I'm trying

to access the database.

Nope. I don't want my baby

to have a better life than I did.

Don't cross me, Bama.

I got big plans for that baby, too.

I'm gonna name him

Harris Lajoy Candleford, Junior.

and when he gets big enough,

he's not gonna work the ring toss like us.

He's gonna have his

very own Corn Dog wagon.

Now, you go on and get in the truck

and wait for me.

[hiss]

What are you hugging me for?

Oh, Candy, I just wanted

to be sure you loved me.

My beach ball's deflating.

I can't let him see my belly.

Well, I'm happy that

you two are working your problems out.

Thank you, mister.

Well, we best get to scootin'.

Colonel Delahousse wants us

in Wheeling, West Virginia, by sunrise.

You take care now.

Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Yvette and Mo are leaving.

[T.J.] They can't!

They're the exit strategy.

There's no backup exit strategy.

I have no exit strategy!

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

So, are you finding everything?

Go!

Come on, T.J.!

So you found Mo's mother's name

just surfing on the internet?

More or less.

You know, you should get

your own computer, Dad.

You could watch Sportscenter on line.

Or I could watch S portscenter on TV.

Yeah, but if you get a special attachment,

you could make phone calls

over the computer.

Or I could make phone calls

over the phone.

Leave me alone.

Listen, when we do find my mother,

you think you guys can come with me?

I'm not sure i can do it alone.

Sure, man.

Thanks.

Got it!

There she is.

Lydia Huckabee. She lives in Georgetown.

Is there a phone number?

Yep. Here. You can use the computer.

Just point at that, click,

and you're connected.

Pretty cool, huh, Dad?

No, not that one.

No, not that one, either.

That's the icon. That one.

Nope. Uh-uh. Nope, not quite.

Move. Here, let me.

This will just take

a minute for me to reboot. Okay.

It's ringing.

I would've got it.

Hello, is this Lydia Huckabee?

Hi. Y-you don't know me...

but I'm your son.

[Mo] Hey, look at this house!

I got to tell you guys

for the first time in my life,

I feel like this is where I belong.

Whoa! Check out this photo.

It's your mom with Ray Charles.

Your ma is connected.

And she's got a Steinway.

You know how much these things cost?

[Lydia] I don't even know

how much it cost.

Count Basie gave that to us.

You know, your grandmother

used to sing with his band.

Ha ha! Alright!

Grams gigged with the count!

Way to go, Grams.

Thank you.

He gets excited, Miss Huckabee.

Call me Lydia,

and I guess you should call me "Mom."

Mom.

My mama. Mother Huckabee. Moms.

So, you and your mother were both singers?

I guess that's where

I get my musical talent.

Uh, sorry, Mo, but in your case,

I'm afraid it skipped a generation.

Mo likes it when we kid him.

Ha ha. No, I don't.

So, what can you tell me about my father?

Well, I was on a two-week gig

at a resort in Arizona,

Your father was a helicopter pilot.

Marcus, my dad flew helicopters.

Mmm-mohh.

Well, one evening, after a show,

he flew me over

the Grand Canyon by moonlight.

Oh, it was very romantic.

And that was the night I spent

with Charlie Thundercloud.

Charlie Thundercloud?

My dad's in India?

Mmm, hey, listen,

I hate to disappoint you,

but he really was just a ship

that passed in the night.

So there I was, an unmarried kid,

on the road weeks a year.

Raising you myself just wasn't an option.

My dad's an Indian.

I like Pocahontas.

Marcus, this can't be Mo's mom.

Why not?

There's a very high incidence of lactose

intolerance amongst Native Americans.

If Mo's father was an Indian,

Mo would inherit that.

Milk would make him sick.

Mom, I gotta tell you,

this day just couldn't get any better.

I'm so glad I found you.

Alright, time to go!

Whoo! Yeah. It's getting late.

It's noon.

Yeah, but traffic's a bear.

Traffic can wait.

I've got years

to catch up on with my mama.

I'll save you some time.

She's not your mama.

What?

In all likelihood.

You see, you're not lactose intolerant.

If your dad was an Indian,

milk would make you sick.

But I love milk.

And this is my Mom,

and that's her Steinway.

Are you telling me

it's impossible I'm her son?

It's very unlikely.

Well, there is one way to be sure.

My baby had an apple-shaped birthmark

on his right butt-cheek.

Does Mo?

How should I know?

Well, do you?

This isn't fair.

She was great. She was perfect.

This is all your fault.

Mo, chill. We'll find your mother.

I just can't take all this anymore.

Look, if I at least knew what your

real birth name was, it would help a lot.

Baby boy "X" is not much to go on.

All the Tibbses told me

was that it was "X". E-c-k-s, "X".

You never spelt it for me, Mo.

I thought it was the letter "X"

I spent five days trying

to find the letter "X"

I thought you were supposed to be smart.

So, uh, back to the adoption agency?

Go!

[screaming]

I'm sorry, man.

I still think we should've called before

we drove all the way to Delaware.

I'm tired of calling,

and I'm tired of waiting.

I want to see my mother.

[knocks on door]

You want us to come in with you?

No. I think i can do this by myself.

Why don't you guys come

pick me up in a couple of hours?

Greetings, blessed be.

Are you my : tarot reading?

Why don't you guys come inside with me.

[doorbell rings]

[bell rings repeatedly]

Floyd? Verla Mae?

I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time.

-Well, I was kinda in the middle--

-Is my Morris here?

Uh, I think he's still

down in Delaware with Marcus and T.J.

Delaware?

I guess he didn't

have time to tell you, but--

Look, what happened is

he found his birth mother,

And he went down there to talk to her.

Now, they probably won't be

back for a couple of hours,

so why don't I just give you

a call when i hear something?

What have I done that's so terrible?

Floyd?

So what can you tell me about my father?

Well, he was a semi-pro basketball player.

Hey, alright, Mo.

That's pretty impressive.

Or that guy in Key West.

Or he could've been my landlord.

Key west is nice.

You know, Ernest Hemingway

wrote The Old Man and The Sea there.

He had a lot of cats.

Um, so what was I like when I was a baby?

Well, you were small.

Did you hear that, Mo? You were small.

Got bigger, though, didn't you, big guy?

Way to go, Mo. Growing all up.

Is there anything else

you remember about me?

I remember you had a big head.

Okay. Okay, so there I was with a big head.

What made you give up

your little big-headed baby?

Well, I hadn't really planned on it.

But then this friend of mine had

a plane ticket to Germany she couldn't use

and that was my chance

to hitchhike through Europe.

Well, I thought I just had to grab it.

Well, who's gonna pick up

a hitchhiker with a baby?

We'd pick you up, man.

Morris has been our pride and joy.

He's been such a blessing since

we couldn't have children of our own.

That must've been rough.

Ugh, but we tried.

High bounce for me.

But none for Delroy, that's a seed k*ller.

Delroy switched to loose

boxers so as to keep cool

and unconstricted.

I exercised my ovaries...

Go on!

But in the end,

my eggs were simply not

such eggs as could bless

our union with issue.

My eggs were disappointing eggs.

Okay, well...

[doorbell rings]

You know, Mo might be

coming back at anytime,

and if he gets home and you're not there,

he's probably gonna want to see you.

So, maybe you oughta be home with Delroy.

And here's Delroy.

Is Verla Mae here?

Verla Mae, I thought we agreed that we--

I was in the shower.

Verla Mae, we agreed we wouldn't dump

our troubles in the Henderson's laps.

I'm just so worried about Morris.

He went to see his birth mother.

Uh-huh, well, that's just

a cross we gonna have to bear.

We'll just have to be strong.

[sobs] I miss Mo, my boy.

I'm losing my boy.

Why's he treating us so mean?

So do I have any brothers or sisters?

Nope, you're it.

Listen, I don't mean to

hurry you out the door,



but my next client is due pretty soon.

Okay. Well, I can come back Saturday.

We can get a bite to eat.

Get to know each other a little better.

Oh, can't. Swap meet day.

I do a lot of business.

Well, what about Sunday?

I just don't think it's a good idea.

We found each other, and that's nice

but, I don't think we need

to be complicating

each other's lives, do you?

I guess not.

Listen, I got a few minutes.

You have any other questions?

Anything you want to know

about your future?

Love, marriage, travel plans?

No, thank you.

I don't think you have any answers for me.

The landlord.

So, what are you gonna do now, Mo?

Beats me.

I just don't know where I belong.

The Tibb's aren't my real parents

and my own mother won't miss

a swap meet to have lunch with me.

If I join the marines,

at least I'll belong somewhere.

Or maybe I'll get work on an oil rig

or a fishing boat or something.

Hey, Mo. How things go with your mother?

Not so good. She's a fortune teller.

And apparently, not a very good one.

She didn't even know we were coming.

I'm sorry things didn't

work out like you hoped.

Sure didn't.

I don't know why Lydia Huckabee

couldn't have been my mom.

At least she wanted me around.

Well, she's not the only one.

You know, for what it's worth,

your parents have been in there

for the last few hours, worried sick.

If you're referring to the Tibb's,

they're not my parents.

Oh... oh, well... alright, then.

Well, those people that fed you

for the last years

and took you to the emergency room

when you slid into the sprinkler head

on your slip 'n slide

and let you get into bed with them

when you were having nightmares

about the Dancing Dwarf on Twin Peaks,

Those people are here.

They told you about that stuff?

Man, they've been here all afternoon.

There's very little they haven't told me.

Did they tell you about

the thing with the Mr. Bubble?

Brother, that can happen to anybody.

I'm surprised they

remembered all that stuff.

Well, here's the thing, Mo.

They were there for all that stuff.

And as far as I'm concerned,

whether they gave birth to you or not,

being there makes them your parents.

You could at least talk to them.

[door opens]

Hello, Morris. How's everything?

Oh, you know, fine.

Uh, guys--

Uh, good idea.

What Mr. Bubble?

It's an embarrassing skin rash.

That's all you need to know.

We're sorry we never found a good time

to tell you you were adopted.

I don't think there is one.

I guess not.

So, I hear your birth mother

lives in Delaware.

Isn't that something?

Good crabs up Delaware way.

Lotta money in that.

Yeah. I didn't have time to eat any crabs.

Honey, do you think you

might want to come home?

I don't know. I might join the marines.

Oh, Okay. Well, Okay.

See? You don't even care what I do.

That's not it, Morris.

It's just whatever you do,

we want to support you.

We love you.

Whatever you have to do to be happy,

that's what we want you to do.

You mean you'd still love me

if I did something crazy,

like moving to Jamaica

and opening up a beach bar

and diving for sunken treasure?

We're gonna love you

no matter what you do.

You're our son.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Go ahead, Mo.

No. See? You clicked on the menu bar.

The menu bar's not gonna do anything.

No. Hit the "undo" button.

That's not the "undo" button.

You know what?

Let's just play regular checkers, okay?

Grab that box over there.

Yeah, that one, right there.

Computer checkers

is way too complicated for you.

No, Mo. That's the backgammon side.

Turn it over.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.