03x12 - Diary of a Mad Schoolgirl

[bunniefuu]

"Prepare a ten page report

dealing with an aspect

of our justice system."

How about m*rder? m*rder's good.

Yeah. m*rder is good.

People are fascinated by it.

I mean, just look at

all those slasher movies.

[squeaky sound]

Uh, okay, okay, here's a thought--

don't do that.

Um, I was thinking, you know, maybe we

could do the Lizzie Borden m*rder case.

Who k*lled Lizzie Borden?

Well, actually, she k*lled her parents,

but years ago,

they didn't think a woman

could do something like that,

so the jury let her off.

Boy, those were the days.

Yeah. You know, people even

made up a little song about her.

♪ Lizzie Borden took an a* ♪

♪ Gave her mother whacks ♪

♪ When she saw what she had done ♪

♪ She gave her father ♪

Hey, what's up, T.J.? that's nice.

Uh, I don't believe we met before.

This is my brother Marcus.

Hi. I'm Janice.

What's up?

Janice and I are working on a report

for our teens in the law class.

Oh. Oh, yeah? Well...

I'd think you'd work on something

like that with your boyfriend.

Don't have one.

Oh, really?

Heh. Now, there's something

you can put in your report,

'cause you not having

a boyfriend is a crime.

Mm-hmm. thanks.

Well, uh, you know, maybe after

your little report's finished,

I could take you out

to dinner to celebrate.

Uh, that's nice, but I don't think so.

Okay, well, maybe some other time...

or maybe, you know, not.

Um, I gotta go now.

I'm gonna get some-- something. Excuse me.

Felicia, Yvette,

let me ask you a question.

What in gods name is wrong with you women?

Speaking for me personally,

I'm slightly hypoglycemic

and I also sunburn really easily.

Speaking for women in general,

shut your mouth you sexist pig you.

So what woman turned you down now?

That girl over there sitting with T.J.

Janice?

You don't even know her.

So?

So why would she go out with you?

'cause I asked politely.

Your brother dresses nice,

ain't got no droolin' problem,

don't smell funny.

Word.

Here's a thought.

Why don't you take the time

to actually get to know a girl

and then make the effort

to demonstrate attractive qualities.

Or is that maybe just

a little too much work for ya?

Way too much work.

Just listening to 'em talk wore me out.

You sexist pig, you.

-♪ I know you're doing your thing

-Yeah ♪

♪ Go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Diggin' it baby, yeah

-Yeah go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh

-Yeah. Come on ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

What is wrong with you, stupid bolt?

Hey, Pops, what are you doing building

a barbecue in the middle of winter?

'Cause nobody in their right mind would

buy a barbecue in the middle of winter.

You can pick 'em up for a song.

Oh. Way to go, Pops. Stick it to the man.

And pretty soon, we gonna be chowin' down

on the best barbecue this side

of Kansas City,

soon as I can get this

stupid thing put together.

Well, uh, why aren't you

using the instructions?

I mean, there's no women around.

'Cause I can't understand

the instructions.

The computer translated them

into English from Japanese.

"from up-tighten of hardworking King Bolt,

say, oh, yes, please...

"to fullness of grill, see diagram three.

"in slot making handle time,

a happy sound occurs,

"leaving nothing to hope at.

Have joy with your hot, saucy food."

Makes sense to me.

You know what just occurred to me?

This is not a one-person job.

I'm sure if the two of you pitched in,

we could have this thing put together

and be grilling up some

burgers in no time.

Hey, Teej, Dad got some pizza.

You want some?

In a minute.

I'm working on my Lizzie Borden report.

I thought you were, uh,

workin' with that fine girl Janice.

You know, the one that doesn't know

she's in love with me yet. [chuckles]

No. We're file sharing,

doing everything over the computer.

See, all we need is a phone line,

and we can retrieve each

other's files from the database.

We never even have to be

in the same room with each other.

-Isn't that cool?

-No.

See, "cool" would be you working

with her in your room

late, late into the night

until she's too tired to go home,

so then she borrows a t-shirt

and asks if she can spend the night.

Then what?

I'll tell ya later.

Now, come on, there's

nothing in here for us.

"Dear diary,

today I finally bought

those black lace panties."

Whoa!

Oh, sh**t, I must have

opened the wrong file.

There are no wrong files

with panties in 'em.

It was labeled "my history."

I figured it was our history project.

I better get out of this.

Stop! Don't close it.

But it's her diary. We can't read that.

I don't think we have any choice.

Excuse me.

See, Teej, there's this constant lack

of understanding between the sexes.

We don't know what they want.

Or what they're thinkin'.

And they don't know what we want.

Or what they're thinkin'.

So if we can find out

what women are thinking,

then we can end-run all the hoops

that they make us jump through,

and once we find out

exactly what they want,

we can give it to 'em.

It just seems like a blatant

invasion of her privacy.

"I really enjoy working with T.J.

I think he's just adorable."

Here, let me print this out.

"He's really smart, but I think

people would like him better

if he didn't use such

big words all the time."

Oh, that's preposterous.

Shut up.

Look, scroll down. See if you can find

her innermost thoughts and feelings,

you know, something I could use

to trick her into going out with me.

Alright. Likes her new nail polish,

enjoys Spanish class,

alright, here we go.

"Why can't I find a man

who has seen a lot of the world

and realizes how much underprivileged

people need our help?"

Ah, that's no good.

No, no. That's perfect, man.

See, that's what she's looking

for in a guy.

Alright, travels, poor people. Go on.

"I guess it would just be

a bonus if he were artistic,

but enough of a man to make me feel safe."

Artistic, little bit of a roughneck.

Gentlemen, I believe

we have cracked the enemy code.

Hey, T.J.,

I found Lizzie Borden's lawyer's

closing arguments.

Great. That will buttress our postulation

that Massachusetts vs. Borden

was a seminal instance

of jury nullification.

We'll say she done it,

but the jury didn't give a hoot.

Oh. Okay. I'll see you on-line

this afternoon.

Oh, good. Uh, T.J. go class now.

Hey, Janice.

Oh, hi.

Listen, I hope I didn't seem rude

yesterday, but you know what they say--

Oh, you speak Spanish?

Well, you know, just the little bit

I picked up when I was in Bolivia.

You know, enough to tell the kids,

"don't cry, little children,

"for we are building you a shelter,

"and when the rains of autumn come,

still you will be dry."

You went to Bolivia

to help build houses for poor kids?

Well, that's not what I went there for.

See, I was there to do some watercolors

of the Candelaria River.

I mean, the way the light hits it,

it's like the sun on Monet's lily pond.

It's--

oh...

Are you okay?

Oop. Girl, you better

watch where you going.

You stick out so far in the hallway,

you need to lose some weight--

Well, you should learn some manners, punk.

Marcus, that-- that was so gallant.

Well, I'm just sorry you had to see that.

Let's get a bite to eat, shall we?

Step over him.

Hey, Mr. Henderson.

You finally got that grill working, huh?

Yeah, finally. Oh, you know, if you're

looking for Marcus, he's not here.

He's out on a date with some new girl.

Yeah. It better be worth it, too.

Hey, try these.

You're giving me food?

What's wrong with it?

Nothin', brother.

I'm just trying to show off

my grillin' skills.

Mmm. smoky.

Could it be because I smoked it

in my brand-new hickory smoker?

Oh, well, check you out.

You the King of the Briquettes.

[spattering]

Did you put sand in the drip tray?

Cuts down on flare-ups.

-Really?

-I guar-on-tee.

Well, then, I guess I have to dub you

the Prince of the Briquettes.

I got some sand in the garage.

You want to flip those burgers for me?

Can I stay for dinner?

You drive a hard bargain.

Good lord, what do you have

for lunch today?

A roast.

And barbecued hot links...

and a smoked turkey leg.

Apparently my father has me

on the Marlon Brando diet.

You know what, I have to say,

my favorite movie of all time

would probably be

Children of a Lesser God.

That's amazing. That's my favorite movie.

It is?

Mm-hmm. it inspired me

to learn sign language.

It did? Me, too.

You know, um, we could rent it

and watch it at my house Friday night.

My parents won't be home.

Cool. I'll bring the Good & Plenty's.

You like Good & Plenty's?

I love Good & Plenty's.

What? Now, that is spooky.

I gotta get to class.

Hey...

Ooh, you're naughty.

We'll see about that Friday night.

Whoo! Cool! Man, what did I say,

what did I say?

I don't know,

but since when does Janice like you?

Since now.

You know your theory about

how a man should get to know a woman,

then work really hard to attract her?

Wrong!

,.

Well, that was weird.

Well, that was Marcus.

That's a fine-looking trout.

Gonna go good with the caribou.

They carry caribou at

the food giant these days?

I know a guy.

Ready for the paprika?

'tis the season.

-Paprika!

-Paprika!

-Sea salt.

-Sea salt.

-Peppercorns.

-Peppercorns.

What are you doing?

I'm making you dinner.

I'm still digesting lunch.

Don't you think you're going

a little barbecue crazy?

-No.

-No.

You're sick. You need help.

More caribou for us.

I think this one needs

a couple more minutes.

I'll be upstairs with Marcus.

Ring the dinner bell when it's ready.

So did you guys find anything new

in Janice's diary?

Alright, here.

"It's possible that Marcus

is the perfect man.

[chuckles]

You are in there like swim wear, baby.

Hey, listen to this.

"I used to think I wouldn't

get married until I was ,

"but now that I met Marcus,

I think why wait another minute?"

Married?

I don't want to get married.

Man, that girl crazy.

That's just girls bein' girls.

Nothing to worry about.

She wants to have your children.

Let me see that.

"I want to quit school

and start a family early,

but first I want to take Marcus

to the cemetery to meet grandma"?

Okay, now, that's a red flag.

All I wanted to do was trick

a girl into liking me.

Looks like you tricked her into

being psychotically obsessed with you.

"I want to be with Marcus

every second of every day

from now until the day that we die."

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

[dinner bell rings]

Ooh, caribou's ready.

Hey, look, man, are you sure about this?

Do you want Janice to break up

with you or not?

Yes.

Well, then you have to act effeminate.

That's what she wrote in her diary.

She doesn't like effeminate men.

-Look, man, I don't know--

-Marcus?

Coming, girlfriend.

Oh, my goodness.

Who is that in the darling sweater?

Is that Merino wool?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, it is so soft.

I wish I could wear that color.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm glorious, but I just had

to tell you how ravishing that outfit is.

I was reading Vogue Magazine last night,

and that is absolutely the look.

It's smart, it's sassy,

and it says, "hey, I'm empowered."

I don't believe it.

Everything you say is just perfect.

-It is?

-Mm-hmm.

Normally I don't like guys

who talk about clothes,

but you obviously have great taste.

No, I don't.

You know what?

We should go shopping.

You can pick out outfits for me

and sit and hold my purse

while I try them on,

then you can tell me what shoes

go best with everything.

Sounds fun.

Or...

we could, uh, you know,

ease things up a bit,

keep things light.

Oh my God. Are you breaking up with me?

No.

Heh. Not unless, you know,

you think we should.

Is there someone else?

'Cause I don't think I could handle

it if there was someone else.

N-no.

There ain't-- there ain't no one else.

I just-- I just need some time

to work on me.

Sure, Marcus. You work on you.

Just pretend I never existed.

Okay.

So, I guess I'll see you around then.

Oh, count on it.

So, how'd it go?

I'm not actually sure,

but I may need a restraining order.

Oh, Marcus,

Yvette said you found my biology book.

-Oh, yeah, right. Here.

-Thanks.

You know, sometimes I think I would lose

my head if it wasn't attached.

Ha. Are you nuts?

You're going outside to barbecue

in the middle of a thunderstorm?

Well, see, I thought of that.

The grill got a cover.

Okay, listen, so you're planning

on standing outside

where there's lightning holding this.

[electrocute]

She's got a point.

We'll use plastic utensils.

No! Okay, listen.

This is an intervention. I'm putting

an end to this. You're obsessed.

We are not obsessed.

Okay, then prove it. Go out to dinner.

Take a break from barbecuing.

Fair enough.

We won't barbecue tonight.

We'll have soup, maybe a salad.

I know a great soup and salad place

on the corner of d street and rd.

Oh, yeah, I've been there.

That's across the street

from the liberty barbecue supply.

They got a midnight madness sale.

We can check out that

new Australian turbo grill.

Hey, Janice changed the ending

of our Lizzie Borden report.

"I started this report thinking Lizzie

Borden was a monster,

"but now I see that there are good reasons

for a woman to chop people up.

"and what strikes me as interesting is

she got away with it."

Ah, how 'bout that.

Yeah. Heh. How about that.

Heh heh. That's very disturbing.

Yes, it is.

Why don't I check her diary?

Alright, here we go.

"Dear diary, a special treat today.

"mom accidentally put an

extra pudding cup in my lunch.

"then I saw Marcus flirting with Alicia.

Can't have that, now, can we?

"let's see...

what would Lizzie Borden do?"

Lizzie Borden?

I'm sure she's just blowing off steam.

That's why you put things in the diary--

so you don't actually do it.

-Yeah, I guess you're right.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I ain't got nothing to worry about.

Oh, my god. I can't believe it. I just got

off the phone with Alicia's mom.

Somebody tried to run

Alicia over with a car.

Beg pardon?

She was standing in her front yard

just minding her own business

when this car just jumped over the curb

and went right at her.

Is she alright?

Yeah. She jumped out of the way, but

she sprained her wrist on a lawn gnome.

I thought you said I had nothing

to worry about,

that she's just blowin'

off steam in her diary.

What are you talking about?

Janice Walker's diary.

We've been reading it.

Quite by accident, mind you.

Pure happenstance.

You've been reading someone's diary?

Are you insane?

That's a girl's innermost--

ooh, she's nuts!

Look, Marcus, I'm sure there's

no reason to panic.

Oh, my god. Now there's a reason.

Okay, I'm sure it's just the storm.

I'm gonna call the power company.

Okay, that's weird.

The phone's dead.

Two reasons to panic.

Alright, I'm gonna go next door

and see if their phone's working.

Don't open the door

for any deranged woman or anything.

That's actually very good advice.

Oh, man, what if it's not the storm

that knocked the power out?

What if it's Janice?

Can you see across the street?

Are their lights on?

Yup. They're on. They got power.

Ooh, what was that?

Somebody just ran across our driveway.

Maybe it was Yvette.

Not unless she's wearing a pig mask

and carrying Dad's meat cleaver.

That doesn't sound like Yvette.

Lock the doors!

Let's go, man. Come on, come on.

Alright, no one's out there.

Who cares? Just lock the door!

[door opens]

Unlock the door!

Living room door!

Man, can you believe this?

She has lost it.

I can't believe somebody like

that is running around the streets, man.

Man, she is mad loony.

She's right behind me, isn't she?

[screaming]

[screaming]

Man, I can't believe

this is happening, man.

We need a w*apon.

There's a baseball bat next to the toilet.

[screaming]

Forget the bat!

Open the door, man. Open the door!

It's stuck!

Now what, Mr. "we can improve the dating

process by reading Janice's diary"?

[Janice singing]

♪ Janice Walker took an a* ♪

♪ Gave that Marcus whacks ♪

♪ When she saw what she had done ♪

♪ She gave his brother ♪

Me? Why me?

He's the one that broke up with you.

I mean, he helped.

He was the one that found out

what you didn't like from your diary.

I can't even use a computer.

You read my diary?

It was an accident.

It just fell open there on my computer.

And then it accidentally fell open

several more times.

Anyway, it was his idea.

And I'm sorry, okay?

I was very, very wrong. Okay, please?

Don't give me the whacks.

And don't give me the ,

because we're both very, very sorry.

Really. Quite remorseful.

It's too late for apologies.

[screaming]

Or is it?

Yvette?

[sobbing]

I don't know. What do you think, Alicia?

Well, they do seem sorry, and k*lling them

would get lawyers involved with our lives,

so I guess it's up to Janice.

Well, Janice says gotcha!

What?

Man, I can't believe y'all set

this whole thing up.

Man, that is low.

No. "low" would be reading her diary

and then using it to get with her.

Yeah, that's low, too.

So how did you guys figure this out?

Oh, he kept gloating about going

out with Janice,

so we got suspicious and talked to her.

And I told them I was working

with you over the computer,

and we put everything together.

So we left false diary entries

to flush you out.

But chasing us around

the house with cleavers?

They're rubber, and you deserve it.

I guess we did.

Listen, Janice...

The only reason why I did all of this is

because I was just trying

to hook up with you,

But... I really am sorry.

Apology accepted.

Thanks.

So can we go out now?

I give up.

They're hopeless.

Let's get out of here.

Have you ever heard guys

scream like that before?

Please don't give us whacks, please!

Bye, girls.

Ree, ree, ree!

Well, hey, I guess

it could have been worse.

Nobody was here to see us look like punks.

Yeah.

It's not like they're going to tell

the rest of the kids at school about it.

[Janice] Oh, yes, we are!

[both screaming]

Man, I just got through looking at the TV.

there's a blizzard coming through.

Supposed to get down to,

like, four degrees.

It's like a record or something.

Yeah. I hear that the reflecting pool at

the Washington monument is frozen solid.

Heh. It's a good time to be inside.

Where's Dad?

I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Ostrich b-burgers are d-d-done.

I can't feel my legs.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guys again.