03x15 - Can't Buy Me, Love

[bunniefuu]

Okay, listen up, people.

Hello. Thank you.

I would like to welcome you

to the first annual auction

to benefit the boys' basketball team.

Could you shake your pompoms

here or something?

Alright. These are the rules.

You bid on your favorite

player or cheerleader,

and for seven days, that person has to do

whatever you tell them to do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

But they can't do anything illegal.

And no hanky-panky.

I can't believe you guys are doing this.

Auctioning people off to the highest

bidder is so last century.

We wouldn't have to raise money

for the basketball team

if the school didn't give half

of our budget to girls' sports.

And what exactly is wrong

with girls' sports?

Nothing. Just like there's nothing wrong

with teaching a donkey to wear a top hat.

There's just not much point to it.

I happen to think that women's sports

are just as entertaining as men's.

Well, you go ahead and keep

thinking that, cupcake.

And what about the WNBA?

That's pretty good.

Yeah, it's delightful.

So you think the NBA's better?

I do, and so does America.

And parts of Canada.

You know what, Mo? You've really--

[Gerber] Okay. Okay.

Let's kick off the bidding with, uh,

Randy Ansaldi...

A '" sh**ting guard with a . GPA

and precious little hope

of ever playing college ball.

So have pity, kids. Bid high.

Okay, we're gonna open

the bidding at $..

$., $., who'll give me ten?

-..

-I said ten. Where's ten? I got ten.

Where's ? I got .

Where's ? Oh, we got .

$, $. There's !

No, she's just scratching her nose.

Rub some zinc on that.

-Okay, where's , , ?

-$.

$. Going once, going twice,

sold to the pretty young thing

in the red halter top.

Okay, next up is Marcus Henderson.

That's right, that's right. Show me

some love. Show me some love.

Let's show him some love, people.

Okay, we're gonna open up

the bidding on my brother at...

a quarter.

Okay, who'll give me one shiny quarter?

A measly two bits?

$.

[all] Ooh!

$?

For Marcus?

Sold to the girl with exceptionally

low standards.

Man, I always thought

that Jasmine liked me,

but I didn't know she liked me $ worth.

Good luck, dog. Come here, girl.

Okay, next up is power forward Mo Tibbs,

who sh**t % from the free throw line.

And has a playful sense of humor.

And access to his cousin's Pontiac Fiero.

Okay, we'll start the bidding at $.

Gimme ten, gimme ten, gimme ten.

$.

Sold!

I knew it. Underneath all that hostility,

you're actually fascinated by me.

Yeah, that's it.

I bought you so that I can make you stop

thinking like a sexist dinosaur.

You're gonna learn to respect women,

you're gonna be emotionally sensitive,

and if nothing else,

you're gonna like the WNBA.

-I'll see you tonight.

-Okay.

Could you wear that short purple

skirt with the slit in it? I like that.

Okay, last up is T.J. Henderson,

our crackerjack little equipment manager.

Alright, everybody, what am I bid for me?

Um, why don't we start at ?

How about ?

We can go down to ten.

I'll go as low as five.

Oh, come on, people. It's for charity.

Get the money from your folks.

They can use it as a tax deduction.

Actually, it's not completely deductible.

The tax code requires you to subtract

the value of the services I provide

in return for the donation.

You--you know about tax stuff?

Sure. I know the whole code.

I prepare my dad's returns.

So, uh, you'd be able to figure

out somebody's taxes

who maybe they haven't

filed in a few years

and maybe they have a few

questionable deductions

in an ongoing bankruptcy proceeding?

Piece of cake.

I bid $.. Sold to me.

You got your calculator, buddy?

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from a to z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. know-it-all ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So some girl spent $ just

to hang out with you?

Yeah, and she barely knows me.

Pop, your son is going

to cruise through life

purely on his good looks

and sense of style.

Thurgood Marshall's papa

couldn't be prouder.

Yeah. Ha ha.

I don't know who that is.

Anyway, I got to put

the finishing touches on.

You know, if somebody pays $ for you,

you can't disappoint 'em.

Well, hey, coach. Thanks for taking

T.J. off the market.

Simple compassion, Mr. Henderson.

I didn't want your son to be the only

team member not to get bought.

I understand he's doing your taxes.

Oh, you betcha.

Oh, hey, coach.

There's my little CPA.

You ready to get started?

Yep. I got my tax software

and all the forms we need.

Form , schedules A, B, C, and D,

schedule D-, schedule E,

and schedule S.E.

Can I deduct what I lost at the dog track?

Actually, you can, to the extent

that it matches your winnings.

I didn't have any winnings.

If I had winnings,

I would've paid my taxes

and the IRS wouldn't

be crawling up my butt.

Which is a good life lesson for you son.

"Feminism redefined"?

"A woman's journey to herself."

"Woman minus man equals good."

Hey, Tibbs, what you up to?

He's being re-educated.

I went through that in Hanoi.

Got kind of brutal.

Food was good, though.

You don't really expect me

to read all these books, do you?

Oh, no.

I'm going to read them to you,

and you're gonna listen,

and then you're gonna write

papers on feminist theory,

and then you're gonna develop exercises

to celebrate sisterhood.

Why can't we just watch Thelma and Louise?

At least there's sh**ting in that.

Chapter one.

"What is crucially important

is not difference in gender,

"but differences made by gender.

"Transformative thinking

seeks an alteration

in the conditions of power itself."

Oh, man.

Okay, coach, let's see your receipts.

That's it?

My wife accidentally b*rned some

of my things during the divorce.

At least your alimony payments

are deductible.

Would I actually have had

to make my alimony payments?

And scratch that deduction.

They're gonna nail me, aren't they?

You know what they do to

gym coaches in prison?

[doorbell rings]

T.J., that's my date.

Go downstairs and tell Dad

I'll be down in a few minutes, okay?

I'm on it.

Anyway, are all your tax records

on cocktail napkins?

Well, during the divorce,

I spent a lot of time pouring out my heart

to the bartender at The Tradewinds Lounge.

You know, we could characterize

that as psychiatric care.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Um, I can use it as a medical deduction

as long as your bar bill exceeds

seven and a half percent of your income.

No problem there.

"When women have participated in sports,

"it has meant claiming

ourselves physically.

"It is our bodies doing,

rather than being done to."

Where's my date?

[Floyd] Uh, your date's in here, Marcus.

What's crackin', baby?

Where's Jasmine, and who are you?

Cordell Ross.

Cordell here says he bought

you at the servant auction.

No, brother. See, the person who bought

me was shorter, curvier, and a girl.

Yeah, I paid Jasmine to bid for me.

I thought if I bid for you,

you might back out.

[chuckles] You think?

See, for some reason, the cool kids

at school won't hang out with me.

If I have a cool friend like you,

that will open doors.

Hey! What do you know? Here's a door

I can already open for you.

Peace easy.

Hold on, now. You agreed to do this.

I mean, somebody shells out $ on you,

you can't disappoint 'em, remember?

That's right. I bought you, and the rules

say you have to do what I want.

You know, Cordell, I don't want to seem

like an overprotective father,

but I don't know much about you.

-Who are your people?

-Pop! Mmm!

My mother is a dermatologist,

and my father is a real estate attorney.

I, myself, plan to go into finance.

Sounds like a good catch to me, Marcus.

I thought we'd hang out

at the mall tonight.

Maybe catch some girls, huh?

-Not today.

-Now, you guys have a good time.

You have him back by :, Cordell.

And no drive-in movies.

Ha ha ha. You're such a funny guy.

Hey, coach, wait up.

I've been trying to figure out

other deductions for you.

Did you do any traveling

over the past year?

Well, I went to Fort Lauderdale

over spring break.

And did you perhaps scout any

ballplayers while you were there?

No. Yes. Yes, I did.

That's why I went.

Good. Then that would be a deduction.

Yes. Yes, it would.

So, um, my band's gonna playing

at the Cherokee club next week,

so, you know,

if you girls want to come by,

I'll make sure you get treated right.

I bet you will.

Hey, Marcus, bud, let's grab some chow.

Um, I'm kind of tied up

right now, Cordell.

-Ha ha.

-Ha ha ha.

Hey, I put down $ to hang with you,

so we're gonna hang. You dig?

[chuckles]

So, Paula, you know Cordell, don't you?

Yeah. I didn't know

you guys were so tight.

Oh, like this. Gimme a pound, my brother.

That's nice. Bye.

It's okay. You can still hook me up

with some of the cheerleaders.

Hey, Mo, you okay?

I've been up all weekend.

Your sister had me

writing an eight-page essay

on why women should get

equal pay for equal work.

Equal pay? Pftt!

[hoarse] Mo, ahem, do you have your essay?

Quick, how much money do women

make compared to men?

%. We must shatter the glass ceiling.

Good. You're starting to think correctly.

What's wrong with your voice?

You sound like one of those

women in the health films

who smoke through their throats.

It's just that I've been

reading mo all these books.

I'm gonna go get some tea.

Sisterhood now!

k*ll me, now.

Five more days, big fella.

She's just as thrashed as you are.

I can't fight her anymore.

Then don't.

If you can't b*at her, join her.

Huh?

She has a political viewpoint

she wants you to agree with,

so agree with her nonstop.

All the time?

Agree with her till she begs for mercy.

Agree her to death.

Oh!

-You still don't get it, do you?

-No.

But it has the word "death"

in it, so I'm onboard.

So I read in the paper that they're doing

six degrees of separation

at the Kennedy center.

Really? I love John Guare.

Me, too. Did you see

the house of blue leaves?

Hey, Yvette, you shave

your armpits, right?

What? Mo, I'm kind of in the middle

of something here.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

It's just that I was reading one

of those articles you gave me,

and it got me kinda thinking.

Oh, well, good.

Do women shave their armpits

because they want to

or because a bunch of cosmetic

corporations, run by men,

tell them that they have to

if they want to look pretty?

You'd still like Yvette if she

had hairy pits and legs, right?

-Well, uh--

-What--what-- you hesitating?

I don't think you appreciate

what women go through in this society.

Let me read you something

from The Y Chromosome.

I've got to go.

Oh, you can't handle a strong,

hairy woman, can you?

How come nobody's eating with us?

I thought you were popular.

I used to be.

Well, then get somebody then.

T.J., sit down.

Come eat with us.

See? Now we have somebody

to eat lunch with us.

Big deal. It's your brother.

What good does that do me?

See ya.

Um, coach, I know I asked

for more receipts,

but there's something about

this batch that bothers me.

Really? Like what?

Well, for one thing, they're all

in your handwriting.

Well, well, yeah, I wrote 'em out,

but they're based on real expenses.

Plus, I used different colored pens.

$, donation to the

animal preservation fund?

Was this a cash donation?

Uh, actually, that was

six pairs of bellbottoms

and a home beer-making kit.

And you value that at $,?

Ish.

Hey, come on, man.

If anybody can figure

this stuff out, you can.

Alright, alright.

Hey, T.J., you hardly touched your dinner.

Maybe later, Dad.

I think I finally figured out a way

to justify coach Gerber's purchase of an

air hockey table as a business expense.

You see, it enhances

hand-eye coordination,

and that's very important

for a basketball coach.

Pretty good, huh? Huh? Huh?

T.J., I should hope they have

the cartoon network in tax jail.

Oh, I know.

But it's just I promised to help

him out with his tax troubles.

Well, you're not helping him

if it's gonna hurt him in the long run.

It's like the time I had to keep Marcus

from signing up

for that medical experiment.

Now, sure, in the short run, he gets $,

but in the long run,

he ends up with a sheep liver.

You're right.

I'm not doing coach Gerber

any favors with his tax return.

I'm gonna file an honest one.

Good boy.

And now that you mention it,

maybe I should file

an amendment to your return.

Some of those so-called gift deductions

I took for you were pretty wobbly.

What's done is done, son.

Oh, good. Yvette, listen,

I'm confused about a couple of things.

Like Laura Schlessinger.

Now, she's a strong, independent woman,

but she wants other woman

to stay home and be housewives.

What do I think about that?

Mo! Now, come on,

I gave you the night off.

You're showing real progress.

Your whole attitude's changing.

I don't want to miss, Felicity.

Don't worry. I'm taping it. Now, let's go.

Where?

There's a sisterhood rally

down at the Lincoln Memorial.

But I'm tired.

We are protesting the lack of women

in the space program.

We're gonna burn John Glenn in effigy.

Now, let's go.

What do we want, Yvette?

-Equality.

-And when do we want it?

Now.

It's a legitimate deduction.

It's not just a kitchen,

it's a home office.

I ain't buyin' it.

That's "E", you lose.

sh**t.

See you later, Marcus.

Have fun with Snoop Dorky Dork.

Okay, new game.

Uh, I'm kinda tired.

I said, new game.

And I said I'm tired.

Hey, it's my bucks.

I'm paying you to be my friend.

See, that's the thing, dog.

I'm not your friend, alright?

Nobody be friends with a punk like you.

And as soon as this

week's over, we're over.

There isn't enough money in the world

to make me spend another day with you.

[blues music playing]

[knock on door]

[music off]

You come to yell at me some more?

No. I just wanted to talk.

Man, your housekeeper makes

some good satay, man.

Yeah, Yam Kai Yang

is a whiz in the kitchen.

Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry

about what happened earlier.

Apology accepted.

Now, let's go to the mall

and play laser tag.

Hold on, speedy. I'm not done.

It's okay. You're sorry about

what you said, and everything's fine.

No, see, I'm not sorry for what I said.

I'm sorry for how I said it.

Oh, I guess you can go home, then.

Number one, I'm not finished

with my satay yet.

And number two, you need to hear this.

Now, look, you wanted me as a friend,

but you treated me like an employee.

Would you have hung out

with me if I hadn't bought you?

No. Not in a million years.

Thanks.

I mean, why would I?

You can't buy a friend.

I mean, I'm not an electronic keyboard

or a stereo or a TV or--

whoa, what is that?

Is that a DVD player, man?

Man, this thing is sweet, man.

How much do these run for?

That one was ,.

Dang. Man, I got to hand it to you,

you got a lot of cool stuff.

But no friends.

Well, it's a mean old world.

That's what B.B. King says.

What you know about some B.B.?

You like him?

Man, him, Muddy Waters,

John Lee Hooker all them cats.

I never figured you for a blues fan.

Well, you never asked me

about anything, did you?

No. I guess I just ordered you around.

Not really very friendly.

Well, I guess I never gave

you much of a chance, either.

Listen, I got some old B.B. King 's.

You want to hear 'em?

Yeah. You got Lucille?

-Original recording.

-Bring it. Bring it.

Ah, T.J.

Oh, hey, coach.

Did you look over the tax return

I made out for you?

Yes. Yes, I did.

-And?

-I'm going to Cuba.

Giving up on the whole law

and order thing, then.

No, not entirely.

I just figure if I can get to Cuba,

I can get a lot of cigars dirt-cheap,

I bring 'em back here, sell 'em

for times what they're worth,

and then I can make things

square with uncle Sam.

I just need you to tell me

how to get there.

Cuba? Well, that's not really legal.

Like that's my biggest worry.

Hop a flight down to Miami.

From there, grab a charter to Antigua.

Prowl the docks till you find a Portagee

bumboat to take you to Haiti.

Port-Au-Prince.

Life's cheap there.

So, I can buy a new identity.

Exactly, but make sure

it's a Canadian one.

Once you've got Canadian papers,

it's as good as being invisible.

-Hey, Yvette.

-Oh, Lord.

What do I think about

women in the m*llitary?

You think it's good.

But should there be separate physical

standards for men and women?

Or should women be in combat?

And if I'm in favor of women in combat,

am I in favor of combat?

Do I support w*r?

-I don't know.

-Well, then how am I supposed to know?

Here's how you know.

Think for yourself. Form your own opinion.

But what if my own opinion is that

I'm not too wild about the WNBA?

Oh.

Okay, I get your point.

I shouldn't try and force my ideas on you.

Alright, then.

Hey, Mo,

Cordell lent me his copy

of The Player's Club.

Wanna watch it later?

I don't know. It takes place

in a strip joint, right?

I think it might kind of exploit

the women a little bit

in a nude sort of way,

you know what I mean?

You have to say this, right,

'cause Yvette's here?

No. Some of the stuff I read makes sense.

Oh. Okay, well... good.

Some of her stuff made sense?

Just a little bit.

Hey, what are you guys watching?

Basketball.

Wait a minute. Those are women.

This is a WNBA game.

I got to admit, there's a lot

of stuff that we like about it.

There's stuff you don't get in the NBA.

Oh, that's great. I'm proud of you guys.

Boy, that number is hot!

Ooh, she's got some junk in the trunk.

No, no, look at number .

I don't think she's got a bra on.

-Really?

-Oh, jump ball.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Man, WNBA, I love this game.

It's fantastic.

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guys again.