03x18 - Crushed

[bunniefuu]

A chemical equation expresses in symbols

what happens in a chemical reaction.

On the left side are the reactants--

oh, sh**t.

And here on the right side

are the products.

Now, I want you to do all the equations

on page .

And don't think just because

I'm a substitute

you can skip all the work.

Man. You know what I'm thinkin'?

Come on in. We got all night.

Same thing I'm thinkin'.

Come on in. We got all night and a pizza.

Same thing I'm thinkin'.

Come on in.

They're discussing structural isomers

on the discovery channel.

Yeah.

♪ Every day's another lesson ♪

♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪

♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ I will reach my destination ♪

♪ Make mistakes from a to z ♪

♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪

♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪

-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase

-Smart guy ♪

♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪

♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪

♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪

♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪

♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪

♪ That's why I'm hanging

With the smart guy ♪

♪ AKA Mr. know-it-all ♪

♪ Smart guy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

-Why did she assign that?

-Alright, man.

Hey, how come you're home so late?

Yeah. We almost had to do

this homework by ourselves.

I stayed after school with Miss Cauldwell.

I was helping her go over her lesson plan.

I should stay after school

with Miss Cauldwell.

There's a couple things

I'd like to go over with her, too.

Guys, don't talk about her like that.

She's a nice lady.

Yeah. With some nice hmm-hmm!

I'm not kidding.

You guys better stop saying

those things about her.

Mmm-mmm!

Looks like we're not the only ones diggin'

Miss Cauldwell.

Yeah. Sound like somebody

got a little crush.

I do not.

I just respect her intelligence,

and I think she's a wonderfully

qualified educator.

♪ T.J.'s got a crush ♪

[both together] ♪ T.J.'s got a crush ♪

♪ T.J. knows what chemicals to put

In your orange juice ♪

♪ To make you pee in your sleep ♪

-Hey, guys.

-What's up?

Hey, Marcus, you got a letter.

From Burke University.

Burke University?

Hey, you're finally taking college

seriously, huh?

Yeah, right.

"Dear Marcus,

"over the past year, we at Burke

have followed your basketball career

"with increased interest.

"Although college is still

a year away for you,

"we hope you'll consider us.

"We have a limited number

of scholarship slots,

and we think you're deserving

of one of them."

Man, you know what this means?

Yeah. It means I don't have to do

that chemistry homework ever.

Wow, dog, I don't believe this.

Neither do I.

Neither do I.

Burke University

is a basketball powerhouse.

What do they want with you?

I mean, you know, you try hard,

but the only reason you're starting

is because that tall white kid got mono.

You know what it was?

It was that Franklin game.

We heard there was a recruiter there,

and that night you came up big.

Yeah, I scored six points in that game,

kept my hands up on defense,

plus I had my hair cut,

so I was lookin' good.

I remember that haircut.

I gave you that haircut.

Mm-hmm. Nice high fade

with your jersey number carved

into the sides.

I can get a scholarship, too.

Okay, moving on.

The strength of an acid depends upon?

The degree of its ionization

in a water solution.

Right again.

I wish I had someone like

you in all my classes.

It could be arranged.

[bell rings]

Okay, I want you to do

all the even-numbered problems

on the work page.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hoo-hoo! That's a dope backpack, Marcus.

Oh, yeah. The guy from Burke University

sent it to me.

He said the University's

not really allowed to do it,

so he's doing it.

Hey. Check out this watch.

Oh, man they are sweatin' you.

Hey, man, I got skills.

They need my six points a game.

So, you need help cleaning up the lab?

Oh, I don't want you to miss lunch.

Oh, I don't mind.

Besides, I packed my lunch today.

I brought some extra cookies

if you'd like.

They're homemade.

Oh, thank you.

Pecan! I love pecan.

So do I.

Oh! You know, there's

this really big special

on cold fusion tomorrow night

on the Discovery channel.

You gonna watch it?

Oh, I'd like to, but I don't have cable

in my apartment.

How... you...

What?

Despite all the glamor and publicity

surrounding substitute teaching,

we don't make that much money.

You know what?

How about you come over

to my house and watch it?

In fact, you could even come to dinner.

I'll tell my dad to whip something up.

Oh, I don't know.

Isn't that kind of an imposition?

Oh, no. He loves having people over

for dinner.

He's always saying how sick

he is of looking at the three of us.

Alright. Well, then...

Sure. Why not?

Alright, then.

It's a date.

Okay. It's a date.

Marcus.

This just came for you.

Another box from that Ben Woodford guy.

Ha ha. He's that alumni guy

who sends me all the loot.

I do love to be pursued.

The only reason that they're

treating you like this

is 'cause you can bounce

some silly ball around.

And not even that well.

What about the students,

the people like me, who get good grades?

What do we get?

You get on my nerves.

Ooh. Burke sports bottle

with a flow regulator.

I'll take that.

Hey!

Forget her, Marcus. Look at this.

You made the McDonald's All-American

High school basketball team.

What? Man, I'm on a run.

See, here you are.

"Marcus Henderson, power forward,

"averages points a game,

-inch vertical leap,

won the state slam dunk contest--"

this isn't you.

Let me see that.

Man, Burke University got me mixed up

with some other Marcus Henderson.

He lives in Piedmont, Washington.

I go to Piedmont High in Washington, D.C.

Plus he's '".

Yeah. Which probably would explain

these size kicks they sent me.

I guess the letter and all this stuff

was supposed to go to the good Marcus.

sh**t.

[telephone rings]

Hello--

[ringing continues]

Hey give me that.

Hello.

[ringing continues]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Your shoe is ringing.

I don't think it's for me.

Hmm.

Sound tall.

[ring]

[deep voice] Hello.

[Ben] Is this Marcus Henderson?

Yeah, it is.

Marcus, it's Ben Woodford

from the Burke University Alumni Club.

It's that guy from Burke.

What should I say?

Tell him you need another sports bottle--

and some money.

[Ben] I'm glad to see you got

your new phone,

and I just wanted to ask

if you've had a chance

to look over that Burke application.

Uh... hold on.

Should I tell him about the other Marcus?

Nah! This is their mistake.

Let them catch it.

Until they do, get all you can from 'em.

Listen Ben,

I just need some time to think it over.

[Ben] Oh, I understand.

You're under a lot of pressure.

How would you like backstage passes

to see Lauryn Hill

at The Bayou tomorrow night?

Uh, a lot?

[Ben] Pick 'em up at will-call.

They'll be in your name.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

And now our happy dance.

Lauryn Hill remix edition.

Wow. Look at all this food.

What's the special occasion?

T.J. invited a teacher over for dinner.

Miss Collenwell or something.

It's Miss Cauldwell. Natalie Cauldwell.

Please try not to embarrass me tonight.

-Is this the wine we're serving?

-Yes, it is.

This is bath water.

We can't serve my teacher Chardonnay

from Brooklyn.

We need the good stuff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The good stuff is not dinner

with the teacher wine.

The good stuff is third date

with somebody fine wine.

At least take the -cent

store sticker off of it.

Okay, I'm gonna go clean up

the living room.

I've never seen him this worked up

over a teacher before.

What's gotten into him?

Please, Dad.

It's obvious what's going on here.

He wants everything to be perfect.

It's not like he's trying

to buy good grades.

-He's fixing you up.

-Oh, no!

[doorbell rings]

[T.J.] I'll get it!

I can't believe my -year-old son

is trying to fix me up

with his science teacher.

-Come on, do I look that desperate?

-Yeah.

It's just one dinner.

Besides, Miss Cauldwell

has a very nice personality.

Oh, lord! She's a wilder-beast!

Just be nice and make the most of it.

[sighs]

Oh! Miss Cauldwell, this is my dad.

Oh, hello.

Oh... hello.

[softly] Put out the good wine.

You want some more pie, Miss Cauldwell?

Oh, no thanks. It was delicious.

Well, there's still minutes

until the documentary starts.

If you want, I can show you the web site

where I got all the information

on Mendeleev's theory.

Uh, T.J., you're not in class.

I'm sure Miss Cauldwell doesn't want

to talk about chemistry tonight.

Why don't you two go in the living room

and have your coffee and... chat?

-Sounds like a good idea.

-Okay

Yeah, good idea.

Uh... I need your help in here, T.J.

It's your night to do the dishes.

Yeah, and it's your night to be in here.

-Dry.

-I don't want to.

Well, I don't care.

What do you want to hear?

I got everything from

Rick James to Mozart.

What, no Marilyn Manson?

No, I lent that to my granddaddy.

Do you have any Duke Ellington?

Yeah, I got some sir Duke.

You like that?

I love that.

Look, there's a swing club down

on th street

that plays jazz all night long.

They got a live band and a dance floor.

You want to go?

Well, I promised T.J. I'd watch

that science show with him.

I don't think he's going to mind.

I sort of think this is what

he wanted to happen.

-Well, then, sure. Sounds like fun.

-Great.

T.J., you got those dishes under control?

You know, it's Yvette's night to do--

Good, 'cause Natalie

and I are going dancing.

-Dancing?

-Thanks, T.J., I had a really nice time.

Oh, good.

Be sure to tape that show for Natalie.

Way to go, Cupid.

I think you made a love connection.

I think he really likes her.

In the ground state, chromium atoms

have five D electrons

and how many S electrons?

T.J.?

What?

How many S electrons does chromium have?

I don't know nothin' about no electrons.

[bell rings]

T.J., can I talk to you?

Is something bothering you?

No.

Seemed like it.

You were sour, bored, unresponsive.

Almost like a regular student.

Can't hit a home run every time.

This doesn't have anything to do

with last night, does it?

No.

Oh, here.

I taped the stupid science show for you.

Maybe you can watch it

with my dad sometime.

Oh, I see. T.J., wait.

Look, I'm sorry.

You invited me over to see

that show with you,

and then I left with your father.

That was pretty rude.

It didn't bother me.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

You are the brightest student

I've ever seen,

and I value our relationship.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

A remarkable young man like

you doesn't come along very often.

Heh. That's true.

And you're a remarkable teacher.

Thank you.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

There you go. Ha ha!

[beep]

Marcus Henderson?

This is Lanny Musio, head coach

of your Burke University Bobcats.

My buddy Ben Woodford tells me

you're balking at our offer.

Now, I know a blue-chipper like you

has plenty of offers to go dancing.

So here's the deal.

Or as you kids say, the dealio.

I'm flying out from Indiana

to see you personally.

I'll be there Saturday ,

a.m. in the morning.

Coach Lanny Musio's comin' courtin'.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, he really wants you.

Yeah, and he's going to be pretty upset

when he finds out he flew all the way

from Indiana to meet the wrong guy.

-You didn't know, so technically--

-Stop that!

I know. You know.

And when coach Musio walks

through that door, he's gonna know,

and I'm gonna go, "really?

I thought it was me."

Then my dad's going to look me in the eye

and know I'm lying

because I'm the worst liar in the world.

Then he's gonna k*ll me.

Then I'll be dead.

Then I'm gonna have to send back

all that stuff.

Or you can call him up and tell him

that you decided to go to another college.

That way the coach doesn't have to come

down here and you keep all the stuff.

That'll work. That'll work. Yeah.

See, I already gave

six girls my cell number.

-Rhonda's on speed dial.

-Ooh-hoo, I like it.

Listen, T.J.,

I stopped by to see Miss Cauldwell today.

-Really?

-Yeah.

And she told me about this little...

...situation between the three of us.

Yeah.

I didn't mean to force her to choose

between you and me.

I hope there's no hard feelings.

No, no, none at all.

So you're really taken with her, huh?

I don't know about taken.

But when I see her,

I feel like I'm going up and down

in an elevator real fast,

and my head's spinning,

and my ears are pounding,

and I like it, and--

Okay, I guess "taken" would be accurate.

I remember feeling that way.

And it's just what you should be feeling

at this age.

-Yeah. I'm right on schedule.

-Mm-hmm.

Do you see any hair up here?

Yeah, yeah, it could be.

But here's the thing

about these feelings, Teej.

You have the best chance

of having them returned

if you direct them at somebody

your own age.

Oh. I see what's going on here.

Well, that's the advantage

of having a genius for a son.

You just want to get rid of me

so you can have a clear sh*t at her.

What, are you nuts?

That's not it at all.

It is so. You can't deal with the fact

that she picked me instead of you.

She's . You're years old.

Yeah, when I'm , she'll be .

We both will be entering a sexual peaks.

Thats right. Sexual peaks. I look it up.

She is not interested in you

in that way, T.J.

That's not true.

She looked at me and said I'm remarkable

and she values our relationship.

Her eyes did not lie.

-You're way off base here, Teej.

-And you're jealous.

She likes me and I like her,

and you're just going

to have to deal with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in the bathroom shaving.

-What up, Marcus?

-What up?

-Ready to go?

-Yeah, just gotta go get my lunch.

[telephone rings]

-Hello?

-Marcus, Ben Woodford here.

I wanted to catch you

before you left for school.

Listen, Ben, you gotta quit calling, man,

'cause I'm telling you,

the only reason why I picked

that other school

is 'cause it was real strong

on agriculture.

You know that's where America's heading.

Well, the coaches at Burke,

they just don't give up that easy.

Why don't you just take a look

in your driveway?

Listen, Ben, you got

a good school and all,

but I'm trying to tell you--

Oh, my god.

[Ben] What do you think, Marcus?

It's a car!

He really loves it. He'll get back to you.

Man, I can't keep this.

What am I going to tell Dad?

Nothing. We'll park it in Maryland.

We'll only drive it at night.

If we drive it during the day,

we'll wear masks.

Your dad will never know.

What do you think?

It's a car, fool.

Whose car is this in my driveway?

It's mine, Mr. Henderson.

You know, I've been saving up--

birthday money, odd jobs, recycling cans.

Whose car is this in my driveway?

It's from the guy at Burke University.

What is he doing sending you a car?

It's the whole recruitment thing.

The whole system's corrupt, I tell you.

Yeah, you just lose sight

of your moral compass

when you try to land a top prospect

such as myself.

Top prospect?

You're not even the best player

on a team that's two and eight.

Well, here's where it gets funny.

You gonna laugh. Whoo!

See, it turns out there's

this High school all-American

in Piedmont, Washington,

also named Marcus Henderson.

We read about him in the paper last week.

And they got me and him mixed up.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Well, that explains a lot.

Now, that is funny.

I mean, they're trying to sign

this hotshot High school ball player

from Washington state,

and they send you a car.

Yeah, but not just a car.

They sent him sports bottles, sweatshirts.

Show him the cell phone.

Nice.

[ring]

And it works.

-Hello.

-[Ben] Marcus? Ben Woodford.

-No, this is his father.

-[Ben] Really?

Well, I'm a friend of Burke University

and a friend of your son's,

and we've had just a grand time

getting to know each other

over the last several days.

You've been speaking to the boys

over the last several days?

[Ben] That is correct, sir.

Over the last several days, Ben,

did Marcus happen to tell you

that the Marcus Henderson you want

lives in Piedmont, Washington?

[Ben] No. Would have remembered that.

Well, Ben, here's the thing.

If I ever hear your name around my house,

I mean, ever...

I'm going to call the NCAA.

Now, you can remember that, can't you?

[Ben] Okey-doke. I'll sure do my best.

We were going to tell him.

When? After they gave you a house?

I tried to stop him.

I told him I wasn't interested

in their school.

Yeah, but you didn't tell him that

you were the wrong Marcus Henderson,

'cause you wanted to keep the stuff.

But in my defense,

it was some really great stuff.

Still, I would have expected you

to have a little more integrity.

Alright. I'll pack up the stuff

and put it in the trunk

and call the guy so he can

pick up the car this afternoon.

Make it after the weekend.

The University needs

to learn a lesson, too.

When they get it back,

it's gonna be a used car.

[chuckles] I got shotgun!

Hey, T.J., whatcha doin'?

Oh, just writing a poem for someone.

Oh, really? Let me see.

What was that for?

That's for being

a selfish little brat to Dad.

What do you mean?

I mean, that he's got a real good sh*t

at something great with Miss Cauldwell,

but you're screwing it up.

But I have real feelings for her.

I'm sure you do.

And Dad has to be sensitive

to those feelings because he's Dad.

I, on the other hand, can do this.

Ow! Thank god I wasn't writing a novel.

Look, T.J., I just overheard him

on the phone

telling her that they can't see

each other anymore

because you're so upset.

And you know what I think?

Don't worry. I'm not gonna hit you again.

Not so smart, are you?

Look, T.J., this is your first crush,

and you're going to have many more.

But Dad doesn't get to meet

a lot of women.

He's got a job, he's busy raising us,

and he drives a truck

that smells like tar.

And then, when he finally meets a woman

that he really likes, you go and--

you--

Oh, forget it.

You may be a genius,

but you're still only years old.

Hey, Dad...

I've been thinking about Miss Cauldwell.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

And it occurs to me that even

though I saw her first,

you know, maybe she's more your type.

And I think the sporting thing for me

to do would be to step aside and...

give you a chance.

Really?

-You'd do that for me?

-Of course.

Besides, I'm a lot younger,

and I'm going to have a lot more chances.

Whereas you... well...

you're--

-you're--

-I get it, son.

-You're old.

-I got that.

So, then I have your blessing

to give her a call

and maybe get together sometime?

How about now?

I gave her a call.

I thought you two might go dancing.

-Thanks, Teej.

-No problem.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hello.

By the way,...

I'm expecting a way expensive gift

for my birthday.

You're the man.

[beep]

Marcus. Ben Woodford.

Hope you had a lovely holiday season.

My wife and I went to our house

by the lake that we enjoy so much

and had ourselves a nice goose.

Anyhoo, it's been a few weeks

since we sent you the car, by mistake,

and your father did lead us to believe

we'd be getting it back,

at some point.

Now, I'm not one to be pushy,

and I'm sure you realize you got us

over a barrel.

Still and all, two wrongs

don't make a right,

and the other Marcus Henderson's

leaning toward UCLA.

So we kinda need that car.

Give me a jingle.

[beep]

[clapper]

I've never working for this guy again.