to Ted Shaw's Cross Talk.
I'm your host Ted Shaw,
and on my conservative right
is Sandy Banks-Hastings
and Ballard Murtaugh.
And on the liberal left,
David Sherman and Pete Gilroy.
Resuming our discussion,
school uniforms, yes or no?
Pete Gilroy, go!
I can't believe that we're taking
something as fundamental
as the choice of clothes you wear
and making it a federal issue.
Which is why our schools
are in such a mess.
Why don't you-- just-- because-- because--
it's the old thing-- I mean-- fascism!
Oh, maybe somebody should pick
your clothes for you.
Who picks yours out, Ray Charles?
The important thing to remember here
is that children aren't adults.
They don't have rights.
They don't even have coherent opinions.
Are you out of your mind--
they're children!
Okay, okay!
We have calls pouring in already.
Let's see what our viewers think.
Caller one, -year-old
T.J. Henderson. Go!
[T.J.] Hi! I'm a longtime viewer,
first-time caller.
I'd like to reply to Miss Hastings.
While schools do have the authority
to act in place of parents,
courts have nevertheless carved out
rights of self-determination,
particularly in areas of expression
and privacy.
Is that coherent enough for you, blondie?
Sandy.
Okay, just because one articulate child
is engaged in the issue
doesn't mean average kids are.
Fine. I'll put on my friend, Mo.
He's average.
Well... almost average.
Here, mo.
What's crackin', lackin'? Who-dis-here?
You're on Ted Shaw's Cross Talk.
Oh. Here's T.J.
Thanks, Mo. Big help.
Look, the point is, you should be
asking us kids what we think
instead of relying on the right-wing
ice princess
and Ballard "all you can eat" Murtaugh.
Amusing and provocative!
We'll be back after these few messages.
Go!
-♪ I know you're doing your thing
-Yeah ♪
♪ Go 'head, smart guy ♪
-♪ Diggin' it baby, yeah
-Yeah go 'head, smart guy ♪
-♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh
-Yeah. Come on ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Mo, how many times do I have to tell you?
Dad blocked all the web sites
that have nudity in them.
I gave up on that.
Besides, I found a way
to make money on this thing.
See all that stuff? I'm gonna auction
it off on the internet.
There's this web site called E-bay.
It's like a big electronic garage sale.
You're selling a big foam rubber finger?
Not a lot of demand for these.
There is if it's signed by Sammy Sosa.
It's not.
Hand me that pen.
I went through that attic and grabbed
everything that wasn't nailed down.
Let's see, I got a fish on a cane.
A monkey with a fez.
A hot-dog phone.
And this goofy old Beverly
Hillbillies lunchbox.
I saw a bunch of old lunchboxes on here.
Let me see how much they sell for.
Hmm, this must have been dad's.
Don't you think you ought
to check with him before you sell it?
It was buried under a whole bunch
of junk in the attic, man.
I'm sure he doesn't even know he has it.
[Floyd] T.J. there's somebody
down here to see you!
Alright, Sanford and Son,
knock yourselves out.
Wow! Look at this.
I Dream of Jeannie lunchbox, $.
M.A.S.H, .
Any, uh, Beverly Hillbillies
lunchboxes on there?
Nope. Just this one.
My friend, I believe
we may have struck gold.
-Black gold.
-Texas tea.
Y'all bid high, now, ya hear?
It's not like this is
the first time this happened.
Oh, you're right. It's the second time.
sh**t me. I've done it twice.
Oh, my gosh.
-You're--
-Ted shaw,
host of Ted Shaw's Cross Talk. Hello.
Apparently Mr. Shaw was very impressed
with your phone call.
He had his staff track you down.
More on that in a minute.
Resuming our conversation--
she wants to borrow your car.
Why won't you let her? Go!
Because the last time she borrowed
the car, Ted, she left the gas t*nk empty.
It was late. I couldn't find
an open gas station.
-Oh, please--
-Hey, hey, hey!
Mr. Shaw's here to see me.
That's right.
You're familiar with Pete Gilroy?
Oh, yeah, Pete.
He's my favorite member of the panel.
I used to love his column when he used
to write for the Washington Post .
That was a while ago.
Oh, yeah. I was four.
Cat in a hat wasn't doing it for him.
Pete Gilroy st*lks the corridors of power
and always speaks for the common man.
Though I hear he drinks like a fish.
Exactly. A real booze hound.
He has to dry out at a clinic
this weekend.
You want to fill in for him this Saturday?
On the show?
Me, fill in for Pete?
Wow! That's an honor.
We got a lot of response to your call.
You're a youngster with his eye
on the future.
You're new, you're fresh, and...
you know how to bicker.
Well, I get it from my dad.
What, now you're picking on me, too?
The bid went up again!
$!
For a lunchbox.
The Beverly Hillbillies
are making us rich.
Went up to .
This is like watching
a Jerry Lewis telethon.
!
!
-!
-!
And now our $ happy dance.
♪ Where the dollars at ♪
♪ Where the dollars at ♪
♪ Where the dollars at ♪
Welcome back.
Topic one, School drug tests.
And we'll give the first word
to our guest panelist
T.J. Henderson. Go!
However repugnant
we may find teenage drug use,
it doesn't give government the right
to inv*de people's privacy
just because they're under .
For some of these kids,
it's the only test they can pass.
Fourth amendment!
It's the only-- it's like--
police tactics aren't going--
it's the fourth amendment!
Yeah!
[all arguing at once]
When will these environmental
extremists be satisfied?
The air and water are clean enough.
Now, all you're doing is hurting
American businesses.
You got spinach in your teeth.
You'd think somebody on the judiciary
committee would take the high road,
if only because there's
so little traffic on it.
Clever phrase. Very good.
Commercial. Go!
And we're clear!
T.J. is a very good debater.
Yeah, he is. He is.
Hey, Marcus, did you--
what you doing?
Oh, pop, see, these all have
network logos on them.
I'm fixin' to sell these on the E-bay.
These gonna come up.
A bagel slicer.
No. No, no.
-Is not!
-Is too!
-Is not!
-Is too!
-Is not!
-Is too!
-You're short!
-You're fat!
We're out of time for this week,
but we'll let our guest T.J. Henderson
have the last word. Go!
I think there's one thing
that we can all agree on.
Kids, stay in school.
Public school?
No, we're not talking vouchers...
and we're out!
Lunch, anybody?
I'm up for that.
T.J., that was a terrific show.
You're a natural, son.
Oh, thanks. It was fun
talking back to adults
without hearing the phrase,
"I'm gettin' my belt!"
Well, then let me put
this question to you.
How would you like to do this every week?
You mean be a regular panelist?
You're bright and articulate,
and you made Murtaugh's face
redder than Boris Yeltsin's nose.
Oh! Well... Ted...
this is certainly an interesting
opportunity.
Just... let me check on one thing.
Sure.
Hey, dad! Dad, dad, dad!
Mr. Shaw wants to know if I can be on
the show every week.
-Can I? Can I? Please? Please?
-They want you every week now?
Come on, dad,
it's only two hours every Saturday.
Look, it's just that I don't know
if the TV business is the best place
for a -year-old, son.
You could be my manager.
I'll give you %.
Well, now, see?
That way, the whole family benefits.
Hey, Marcus! Marc--
what are you doing
with that Cross Talk jacket?
Hey-- boy, don't run from me.
Hey, kid, real good job.
How you doin'? Pete Gilroy.
I was watching you from the green room,
and you were-- [coughing]
you were-- [hacking]
Are you okay? Do you need some water?
Nah. I'll take a Marlboro if you got one.
Afraid I'm fresh out.
Yeah? Too bad.
Oh, hey, dad, look!
It's Pete Gilroy.
Hey, Pete. Floyd Henderson.
A pleasure.
-You smoke?
-No.
My luck.
Pete, I'm a little confused here.
I thought T.J. was filling in
for you because you were... you know.
Drying out at the clinic.
Well, if you were here,
why didn't you do the show?
Well, they told me they had you booked.
They wanted to see how you did.
What did you think? I mean, was I okay?
You did great.
In fact, you did so good,
they're giving you my spot.
What?
They didn't tell you?
Yeah. During the commercial,
they fired my hairy butt.
Hey, Pete.
They fired you?
I thought they were just
adding me to the panel.
I don't want to take your place.
You're an institution.
Hey, don't sweat it, kid.
I was getting fed up with the show anyway.
Besides, I got a lot of irons in the fire.
I'm working on a novel,
I got the lecture circuit,
and I want to spend more time
with my grandson.
I still don't know if I'll ever
be able to fill your shoes.
I'll tell you what. If you like,
I could give you a few pointers
on how to handle those soulless
knob-wipes.
Really?
You could come to dinner tonight.
Is that okay, dad?
-What, like about
-:'s fine.
I'll bring my own smokes.
He'll bring his own smokes.
I'm so happy.
Here's another thing to remember.
You can keep quiet and still argue.
Now, here's what I do when, say, Sandy
makes some moronic point.
Uh, Floyd, say something positive
about the Gatt agreement.
Okay. Just say,
"the flat tax will fix everything."
"The flat tax will fix everything".
[guffaws]
I don't mean to sound critical,
but it seems like these public affairs
shows could be a little more civil.
Ohh...
That was good, T.J.
but, you know, your sister makes
a good point.
I wish we didn't always have
to get down into the gutter.
Thank you, Pete.
Would you like another piece of pie?
Well, if you're offering.
I'm gonna go have my coffee
in the living room.
Sounds good.
Why don't we all have some coffee
in the living room, Pete?
In the old days, reporters
checked their sources.
If we didn't have the facts,
we didn't run the story.
You know, you should talk about
that on the lecture circuit.
Well, yeah, I would, but,
uh, the thing is,
I don't have any bookings for lectures.
My agent says he can't sell me.
I'm fine.
Well, that should give you
more time to work on your novel.
Yeah, yeah. Pete, what's it about?
It's about a guy who takes
a job as a caretaker
at a hotel in Colorado in the winter,
and then he tries to k*ll his family.
Well, that sounds like The Shining.
Yeah, it is.
I'm almost done with it.
Oh, you're reading a novel.
I thought you were writing one.
About what?
I don't know.
I'm gonna take these in the kitchen.
Uh, Pete, what sort of stuff
do you do with your grandson?
Oh, my grandson. Well, I can't do much
with him until he gets rid of his worms.
He keeps licking himself.
So I'm gonna go out on a limb here
and guess that he's not a real boy.
No, no. He's a racing greyhound.
A real big one.
I own % of him.
My grandson is great.
He's not only a terrific runner,
he's really smart.
Oh. Well, hey, maybe he and T.J.
can hang out together.
Is he around T.J.'s age?
Well, I don't know. How old are you?
Oh, almost .
Oh, he'll be long dead by then.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.
When they're abnormally large like my
grandson, their hearts tend to crap out.
I'm-- I'm gonna go do dishes.
Well, Pete...
thank you for giving all those
great pointers to T.J.,
but we don't want to hold you up here,
'cause...
we know you got lots of stuff to do.
Nope. No wife at home.
No family.
I'm taping Nash Bridges.
Is there any more coffee?
Oh, sure.
Sugar?
Love it.
-[knock on door]
-Hey, Marcus.
You got some more checks
for all that junk you've been selling.
Ha hah! Money for nothin',
chicks for free.
Whoo. And here is the big one, $.
What the heck did you sell
for that much money?
You, Yvette.
You have to be in Brunei by Thursday.
Ask for Mr. Kushogi.
He'll take good care of you.
[both laughing]
No, we just found this,
old Beverly Hillbillies lunchbox
in the attic.
You mean dad's.
Yeah. The one he left buried under
a whole bunch of junk in the attic.
No. The one he wouldn't let me throw out
when I was cleaning
the attic six months ago.
The one that he said, "no, no.
My mom got that for me
"the first day of elementary school.
"She took my picture with
it and said I was a big boy."
That lunchbox.
So it was important to him?
Man, you and your stupid E-bay.
Maybe you two ought to go to Brunei.
-Morning!
-[screaming]
Uh, Mr. Gilroy!
You're here.
a.m.
Oh, I don't sleep late much anymore.
Bladder's on the blink.
-Oh, god.
-[chuckles]
Well, you people have been so nice
to me letting me hang around all week,
I thought I'd bring you some Bialys.
Ohh... isn't that nice.
Dad, look who's here.
It's Pete-- again-- with bialys.
Morning, Floyd. Can I tempt you?
What time is it?
I-m-- I'm gonna-- go get cleaned up
and go to school.
It's Saturday!
It's Saturday school. It's new.
So, Floyd.
So, Pete.
Want to go fishing?
No.
Well, how about bowling?
No.
Oh. Well, we could go throw some darts.
Look, Pete, actually, I promised T.J.
I was gonna take him
to see Tarzan today, okay?
Oh. I guess I could see a movie.
That's a cartoon, right?
There's a new Jean-Claude Van Damme
movie out. I hear it's pretty good.
Listen, Pete...
I don't think I want T.J.
seeing an R-rated movie.
You understand?
The kid's gotta grow up sometime.
Oh, hey, Pete!
Hey, T.J.!
How'd you like to see
the new Van Damme movie?
I hear he kills eight guys
in a Bangkok brothel.
Yeah!
Okay, well, T.J.,
can I speak to you
in the living room for just a second?
Sure.
Alone, Pete.
Gotcha.
T.J., this has got to stop.
Pete can't keep hanging around here.
Well, how come?
He drops by whenever he feels like it,
he never leaves,
and he pays way too much
attention to Yvette.
Well, dad, he's got nothing else to do.
No, that's no true.
He owns % of a greyhound
with an enlarged heart.
Pete's in fine shape.
Hey, Floyd, do you have any rum?
No.
How about lime juice?
No.
Well, how do you make daiquiris?
We don't.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah, he's in fine shape.
Dad, face it.
All he had was Cross Talk ,
and I took that away from him.
This is my fault.
No, it isn't.
Look, all your life, you're gonna
be better than other people at stuff,
which means you're gonna b*at a lot
of people out for jobs.
I don't have room
for all those people in my house.
You can't just kick him out.
I found some cooking sherry
and a can of tomato soup.
Who wants bloody marys?
Maybe I could help him get his job back.
Thank you.
We got it back.
Oh! I hope it isn't banged up or anything.
For $ it better not be.
Well, it looks okay.
Everybody seems to be there--
Jethro, granny.
Elly May was so fine.
I loved that rope she used as a belt.
That was sexy.
Hi, guys. Hey, what have you got there?
My old lunchbox?
You better not be selling that.
We already sold it.
What?
How could you do that without asking me?
'cause someone gave us $ for it.
But as soon as we found out
how much it meant to you,
we called the guy and talked him
into selling it back to us.
We know we should've asked you first,
but we got so caught up in making money
that we didn't realize
we were selling a part of your past,
a part of your memories.
They gave you $?
-Yeah.
-For this?
Move out of my way.
Mad man, how do you work this thing?
Mr. Shaw.
Can I talk to you about Pete Gilroy?
Okay, why?
I think it was a mistake letting him go.
Pete's a legend.
Well, Pete's a great guy,
and we all miss him,
but we have you now. You're the future.
But if I were to quit,
you'd bring Pete back?
Except you can't quit.
We have an ironclad contract.
If you quit, our lawyers will be
on you like Elvis on a pound of bacon.
You'd sue me?
In a heartbeat. Have a good show.
Go for the throat!
Or not.
Oh, please, don't make me sick.
Hey, if we don't have reforms, you just--
open the door, th-then it's-- over--
it's over.
Well put.
What's over is your mush-headed
liberal agenda
that just keeps throwing money at people
who are too lazy to work.
How do you respond to that,
T.J. Henderson?
I think Sandy makes a valid point.
But?
But nothing.
I mean, I can see where she's coming from.
But-- but-- but-- but you--
you're on my side!
Your position is valid, too.
It's just that people
of good will can have varying viewpoints.
There's only one way
to look at this reform issue.
It's just another government giveaway!
Well said.
By the way, have you been working out?
You look good.
Yeah. I've been doing a little Tae bo.
Well, it's paying off.
Thanks.
Hey, we're all friends here.
We'll be right back.
We're clear for commercial.
T.J.! are you crazy?
This is Cross Talk . It's not happy talk.
It's not let's respect each other talk.
It's Cross Talk!
Why aren't you cross?
I don't know. Life's too short.
I guess I just don't have
the fire in my belly anymore.
Well, that does me no good.
I need fire in the belly!
What am I supposed to do?
You could replace me.
I know someone who's good.
Too much money is poisoning
the political process!
Is that so hard to understand?
I don't think yelling at
the television is gonna help, Pete.
Well, look at this idiot
they replaced T.J. with.
What'd you quit for, anyway?
I told you. I thought they'd
hire you back.
Oh, jeez! How naive can you get?
How about, how nice can I get?
How about, how selfless can I get?
-How about I just--
-Whoa! Easy, boy.
Now, look, I understand how you feel.
You tried to do something nice for
somebody and it backfired. That happens.
And you, you ought to show
a little more gratitude.
Floyd, you're right.
Thank you.
You people have been like family to me.
Kid, I appreciate the effort,
as misguided as it was.
But, you learned a valuable lesson.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Oh, believe me, I've learned.
I'm never gonna do a good deed again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
You don't have to go that far.
I don't want you to lose your sense
of integrity and decency.
It couldn't hurt.
That's what's wrong
with young people today.
They don't know about the real world.
Oh, believe me,
we know about the real world.
We know that there will
be no social security left
when your generation's
finished sucking it dry.
Oh, pardon us for winning World w*r II
and fighting for civil rights.
What has your generation ever done?
Oh, I forgot.
Hip hop.
What about the internet?
What about the information revolution?
Oh, that's a beauty.
You don't even have to be in
the same room with another human being.
You never have to go out
in the real world.
Well, it's a good thing,
because apparently
we don't know anything about it!
Well, apparently you don't!
Oh, be quiet! Go outside and drink!
Oh, that's a logical argument!
Oh, that's...
Hey, Yvette, is Floyd here?
[Floyd] No!
He's indisposed.
Hey, listen, you think it's okay
if I borrow his pickup truck?
Why?
I got an appointment
for my grandson across town.
Oh, good. Is it a doctor?
No. I know this real fast female
in Manassas.
If my grandson can get her pregnant,
I get bucks.
God, that's horrible.
Nah! He's gonna love it.
It'll take his mind off losing that eye
in a fight with a pit bull.
You can ask him yourself.
He's tied up right outside.
Check him out.
Don't be alarmed if he tries to sniff you.
[clapper]
I'm never working for this guy again.