03x21 - The Graduate

[bunniefuu]

[T.J.] Out of the way, seniors.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Juniors coming through.

Oh, right, today's the junior

class pancake breakfast.

Oh, yes, I remember our junior

class pancake breakfast.

We were so young and naive.

Oh, and now you're old and in our way.

-Excuse us.

-Excuse us.

Can I bring you back anything?

I hear they have strawberries

and whipped cream.

Does that do anything for you?

Oh, that is so sweet. No, it doesn't.

It's alright, Mackey.

You're gonna have your

pick of women next year.

We're gonna be seniors.

If I pass Algebra...

English, French,

world history, life skills--

We're gonna miss you, big boy.

All I know is, I've been waiting

a long time for this moment.

And on the other side of these doors,

it won't only be pancakes,

we'll be saying good-bye

to the carefree junior year

and embracing the respect and dignity

that comes with being a senior.

Come on, boys.

Where's the pancakes?

What are you laughing at?

-The fire sprinklers just went off.

-Yeah, I didn't even know they worked.

It ruined my pancakes.

Look, they're so soggy.

Well, look at my speech.

Look at my x cards,

they're all smeared.

"Dear fellow juniors, today we approach

fuhnernanum."

The senior class thought you might like

something to help you

wash down those pancakes.

The traditional senior prank.

All the juniors in one room,

sprinklers, pancakes,

why didn't I see it coming? Why?

We have got to do something about this.

Innocent people were hurt.

Look at poor Sharon.

She's soaked. All she has on is a t-shirt.

Well, she should be comforted.

Okay, quickly, boy, she's getting away.

Quick, quick, quick.

-♪ I know you're doing your thing

-Yeah ♪

♪ Go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Diggin' it baby, yeah

-Yeah go 'head, smart guy ♪

-♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh

-Yeah. Come on ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Today's senior prank was a day that

will live in infamy.

We must make them pay. Ideas, gentlemen?

I got one. We lure the seniors into the

cafeteria for a pancake breakfast,

and then we turn the sprinklers on them.

That's what they did to us.

Oh, you want new ideas?

I'm tapped out.

Marcus?

That was my idea, too. I--

I say we run through the halls naked.

How does that affect the seniors?

I--I hadn't thought it

all the way through.

We need something clever,

something diabolical,

something really ingenious.

I'll work on it.

Hey, fellas, how'd

the pancake breakfast go?

Rained out.

So the sprinkler thing worked, huh?

Wait a minute, what, you knew about this?

Why didn't you tell us?

'Cause then I couldn't do this.

Well, I didn't think it was funny,

because I had to walk around in wet

clothes all day, and I'm still damp, so...

-Today was a big bucket of stink.

-Good.

Come on, guys, seniors in the room.

S-s-seniors.

Oh, oh, oh, uh.

Hot underpants, hot underpants!

We're gonna order pizza tonight.

Now, what are you so upset about, honey?

You ruined their breakfast.

You should be happy.

The administration picked a horrible

speaker for our graduation ceremony.

Bill Bayer.

Congressman Bill Bayer?

Yes, the right-wing idiot.

How did we end up

with a jerk like Bill Bayer?

They totally ignored my recommendation.

You wanted Jewel.

Her earthy music speaks to our generation.

Well, I'm not gonna stand for it.

I say we organize a protest against

the administration.

That's what Jewel would do,

and then she'd ride a horse on a beach.

They are gonna be so sorry.

And don't bother trying

to talk me out of this, dad.

Look, I'm not. I'm behind you.

In fact, it runs in the family.

Your mother was involved in all kinds

of protests our senior year.

Really? What about?

Well, you name it, nuclear freeze,

whales, migrant farm workers.

Wow! I didn't know you were

so political in high school.

Oh, no, I wasn't, she was.

But I'd go along with her 'cause

she'd get so wound up in those protests,

and then afterwards, she'd want to--

we'd, uh, we'd go for ice cream.

Here, sign this. We're having

a rally after school

to prevent Bill Bayer from speaking at our

graduation ceremony.

This is important, people.

Bill Bayer is against affirmative action,

women's rights,

and the raising of the minimum wage.

Plus he has this really creepy toupee.

What's he hiding?

I understand that the IRS

has attached your wages,

but the school cannot have you living

in your office.

Well, show me where it says that.

Oh, for the love of Pete! Protest?

I miss the 's when kids just

didn't give a damn!

Well, now we do! And we will not tolerate

Bill Bayer as our graduation speaker.

We will continue our protest

until you cancel him.

It's too late to cancel him. He's booked.

Listen, if you want to lower the boom

on these thugs,

I can get you a stun g*n here in hours.

So, you're proposing

we electrocute the students?

It's easy to poke holes, basil.

Look, the decision has been made.

You don't have to be happy about it,

you just have to show up.

If he's our speaker, then we're not

showing up. We'll boycott.

Fine. As long as we got your

cap and gown deposit, I got no beef.

Gentlemen, I give you the prank

to end all pranks.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

What is it?

I don't know. Just say "ooh."

Here's the plan, we build a dummy podium

exactly like the one at school

and we put it on stage the night before

the graduation ceremony.

That's a brilliant plan!

There's more to it.

It gets better.

Inside the podium, there's an air cannon,

activated by remote control,

which is gonna spray the unsuspecting

senior class with pancake batter.

Now.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Thank you.

So, uh, when do we spray them?

Right after they get their Diplomas.

Is there a spot in there

where I get to run naked?

Look at me, no naked. Not gonna happen.

Okay.

Hey, did you have your

protest after school?

Yes. Most of the senior class showed up,

we were very vocal in our disapproval

of the speaker,

-we presented a united front.

-And?

And the administration didn't give

a frog's fat behind.

Well, at least you can go to your

graduation knowing that you tried.

No, see, dad, the next step

after threatening to boycott

is you actually boycott.

Let me give you a little

historical perspective

that might be helpful here.

-Do you know who spoke at my graduation?

-Who?

I have no idea.

But I do remember the gleam

in my parents' eyes

as they watched their son

graduate and make them proud.

But, dad, I can't sit there

in the same room with Bill Bayer,

knowing what he stands for.

He's not gonna share his views.

He's just gonna say the future is yours,

build a better America,

then go back to congress and have

an inappropriate relationship with a page.

Well, then, it won't matter

if I'm there or not,

because I won't be missing anything.

Yeah, but I will. I've been waiting

years for this.

I bought a video camera.

I paid for the extended warranty.

I have my principles.

[knock on door]

-Come in!

-Come in!

Yvette, great news.

Bill Bayer was just indicted

for money laundering.

He's backed out of the graduation,

he was last seen heading towards

Canada dressed as a woman.

-Really?

-I just saw it on the news.

See, things work out. Bill Bayer's going

to jail, and you can go to graduation.

It's a win-win. I'll load the camera.

Well, you can take all the pictures you

want, but I'm not gonna be there.

What do you mean

you're not gonna be there?

Bill Bayer's not speaking.

He's going to jail in a dress.

He's gonna be traded

around for cigarettes.

I don't care. That's not the point.

Yes, it is. It is the point.

That is exactly the point.

If ever there was a point, that's it.

Am I right?

I just don't like conflict.

Okay, look, obviously, there's something

I'm missing here.

So why don't you explain

to me what's going on?

What's going on is the administration

was wrong to ask this guy to speak

in the first place,

and they owe our class an apology.

Don't you think you're

being a little unreasonable?

I think I'm being perfectly reasonable.

It's your graduation, Yvette.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime event.

I graduated from kindergarten,

I graduated from elementary school,

I graduated

from Ms. Johanssen's tap class.

This is not tap class.

This is your high school graduation.

I don't want to miss it.

Fine, go!

It doesn't quite work

unless you're there, too.

Dad, all I can tell you is how I feel.

Something inside of me

is saying "don't go,"

and I have to listen to that.

Alright. We're ready

to test-fire the podium.

Goggles down, gentlemen.

[chuckles] You look like a bug.

Oh, yeah? Well, you... you ugly.

Okay, the graduation speaker says,

"I give you the class of !"

He steps to the side, and when he does...

Boy, you are an evil genius.

Well, you know the good ones

make less money.

And the kicker is while everyone is wiping

the batter off themselves,

I run past them naked.

Anyway, the night before graduation,

we sneak into the auditorium

and replace the existing

podium with this baby.

Dad. What are you doing

sitting in the dark?

It's dark?

I was just thinking about your sister.

Say, what do you know about psychology?

Well, I know if you can stand to listen

to rich people whine,

it's a sweet way to make a buck.

Your sister doesn't want to go to her

graduation and I can't figure out why.

But she has to go! She has to be right

there in the front row,

right behind the podium.

I know. First, she didn't want to go

to the graduation because of the speaker.

Then the speaker gets dropped,

and she still doesn't want to go.

I'm lost.

Maybe Yvette's irrational overreaction

is masking some deeper,

more personal issue.

Maybe she's depressed over

not getting into Princeton

and having to stay home

to attend Georgetown.

Celebrating her graduation may feel like

celebrating that which imprisons her.

You know, I think that's it.

Or she's retaining water, and she thinks

she'll look fat in her graduation dress.

I'm gonna go with the other one.

[knocking]

-Can I talk to you a second, honey?

-Sure.

Well, I've given it a lot of thought,

and I think I understand why you're so

upset about your graduation.

Dad, I told you why I'm upset.

It's because of an uncaring

and unresponsive administration.

Or actually, maybe there's

something else bothering you.

Perhaps that you didn't

get into Princeton,

and now you gotta live at home

and go to a local college.

Dad, it's Georgetown. I didn't get in

by drawing Bucky the Pirate.

Okay, okay.

But I'm sure it still bothers you

that you gotta live at home

and not get the full college experience.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I promise there'll be plenty of nights

when I don't come home.

[grunting]

Then what the heck is bothering you?

I told you, the administration's

callous disregard--

That's just crazy, Yvette.

Oh, so my belief system's crazy?

No. The decision not to go

to graduation is crazy.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way,

but it's not up to you.

Well, then you're just being selfish

because the whole family wants to go.

I promised your grandmother

I'd send her a tape.

Now I'm supposed to tell her you don't

want to be at your own graduation

'cause of some problem

that doesn't even exist?

It exists to me. It's my graduation,

and it's my choice.

This is not just about you.

This graduation means a lot to me, too.

Oh, I know. It means a lot to you.

It means a lot to grandma.

It meant a lot to mom.

Well, I can't do something just because

it's important to everybody else.

Mom?

What does your mother

have to do with this?

She doesn't have anything

to do with it, okay?

She just always talked about

how she was gonna be there

and how proud she was of me and how she

couldn't wait for me to graduate.

Well, she's not gonna be there,

so the world won't come to an end

if I'm not there either.

So you're upset your mother's

not gonna be there?

It just doesn't seem fair to me, okay?

She always talked about how

she was gonna be there,

and then she d*ed.

And I don't see the point

in having a big,

old celebration without her.

Look, honey, I understand.

And sometimes it's hard

for me to even get out of bed

knowing she's not gonna be there.

But I can't stop living,

and neither can you.

Now, for what it's worth,

I think your mom would want you to go.

Well, I guess we'll

never know now, will we?

[door closing]

[whirring]

[muffled speech]

What'd you say?

I said, could somebody get

this flashlight out of my mouth?

Now, where is Marcus?

I don't know. I thought he was

down there with you.

He was, but I don't know where he went.

[rattling]

How did you get out there?

I don't know, man. I got lost.

Anyway, we installed the battery container

to the back of the stage

and spliced the electric cord into the

junction box in the corner.

Yeah. Alright, guys.

Help me get this thing into place.

So, all those nuts and screws

and stuff you gave us,

we supposed to use all that stuff?

Yeah. Why?

Uh, just making sure. Is that Mackey?

Where?

[clank]

What was that?

Any sudden moves and I will cut you.

With your toenail clipper?

It's got a file.

Coach Gerber, it's us.

Tibbs? Henderson? Smaller Henderson?

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we're on the graduation committee.

We're securing the podium

for the ceremony.

At : at night?

Uh, we'd just finished studying.

Hey, got the pancake batter.

Pancake batter?

Uh, just in case we want a snack.

You know, if we worked till breakfast.

Oh, come on. You can't fool me.

I'm a gym teacher.

You kids are up to no good,

and I'm gonna get Militich on the horn.

Oh, go ahead, bring him down.

I'm sure he'd love to hear

you're living in the school.

So, we have an understanding?

Carry on and keep it down.

I'm trying to watch Felicity back here.

[knock on door]

-Hey.

-Hey.

Listen, Nina wanted me to give you this.

What is it?

It's your cap and gown.

She was at the graduation rehearsal.

They were handing them out,

so she wanted me to give it to you.

You know, just in case.

Thanks.

So, you're really not gonna go?

You got a problem with this, too?

No, no. I understand how you feel.

You know, I miss moms, too.

It just doesn't seem like graduation

has much point unless she's there.

Yeah. Moms, she was nuts for family stuff.

Anywhere she could point and yell,

"that's my baby," she was there.

Remember my T-ball championship

when I missed that pop-fly

and a mother on the other team laughed?

Mom gave her one of these.

Yeah. She did that at my ballet

recital to someone when I slipped.

Moms was a brawler.

She would've been in

the front row for this one.

Do you think about her a lot?

Yeah.

But I just kinda hope that somehow

she knows what's going on with us.

That when we do something good,

she's there,

and she can smile and say,

"that's my baby."

Or if somebody laughs at us,

she can give 'em one of these.

Yeah.

Anyway, I just wanted to give this to you.

Thanks, Marcus.

It was nice of you.

And you still owe me $ on that deposit,

so don't leave because

I know where you live.

You better go get cleaned up.

You can't go to my graduation

looking like that.

-You're going?

-I'm going.

-You better not be kidding with me.

-I'm not!

'Cause it's degrees outside.

I got to put on a suit that itches.

I'm going. I'll see you there.

Remember the speaker starts at :.



By the way, who'd they get anyway?

And they say baldness comes

from your mother's side of the family.

Well, I'm here to tell you,

my mother's brother Eddie--

full head of hair.

Looks like freakin' Fabio.

There's a lot of false information

out there, kids.

So, be suspicious and get

everything in writing.

'Cause you know who's watching your back?

Nobody!

Pops, why are you taping this part?

Same reason I taped the ride over here.

Grandma wanted everything.

You know something,

I'm gonna get a different angle.

-Dad?

-Goodness.

Sit down.

Now, now, now, take the sh*t.

We've got to wait for Gerber to more.

If we'd done things my way, it wouldn't

matter where Gerber's standing.

I'd be on that stage naked,

and we'd have our pride back.

Mackey, I want to share something with you

because you're my boy.

Look, no one at any time will ever

want to see you naked.

-What about when I'm married?

-Never!

I guess all I'm trying to say is if your

brother-in-law comes to you

with a get-rich-quick scheme

about ostrich, the other red meat,

think twice before you sink your

workman's comp settlement into it.

Because if you give life half a chance,

it'll reach down your throat,

pull out your heart,

and feed it back to you

one bite at a time.

But enough of these pearls.

I give you the graduating class of !

Gerber's clear. Do it now!

Vengeance is sweet.

What's going on, man?

I don't know. It's not working.

Give it to me.

You probably don't know

how to push the button.

See?

Quickly, quickly. Before they leave.

Do something!

Stand back, boys. Leave it to me.

Ohh. Mackey!

What are you doing?

Go! Mack-daddy, go, man!

Class of ' bites! rules!

That's my boy!

Whoo! Whoo, whoo!

Wow! Pretty fly for a white guy.

Wow. Who knew?

Man, if I knew he was that fast,

I would've put him on the track team.

Thanks.

You were so beautiful up there today.

I'm sure your mom was very proud.

Thanks, dad.

I'm glad I made it.

It should've worked.

There's no reason it

shouldn't have worked.

Man!

So, uh, I'm probably not

gonna be coming home tonight.

Can I bunk with you?

I snore.

That's the least of my worries.

Okay! We're seniors now!

You know what that means?

That means we gotta play

a prank on the juniors.

You want me to go get T.J.?

No, man! We gonna do it ourselves.

Come on, man. Think of something great.

Something they'll remember forever.

Prank hall of fame.

Okay. Let's think.

You know what, man.

We got all year to figure this out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do something else.

What do you want to do?

[clapper]

I'm never working for this guy again.