06x03 - Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing

[bunniefuu]

Few people go through college alone.

Those people miss out

on one of the biggest
cornerstones of the experience:

the friends you connect
with along the way.

♪ You're good, how you feeling ♪

Like the classes that
lead to graduation,

these friends also
come in a great variety.

Some friends offer community,
like your frat brothers.

Man, I need your help
filling in this hole

- for the Gamma events calendar.
- Yeah.

So far, we got Motown
Monday, Taco Tuesday,

Wing Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday.

Man, nothing for Friday.

Hmm.

Freaknik Friday?

See, that's why you're The General, man.

Yeah, man.

Other friends can allow

an outlet for your passions.

[AS VIN DIESEL] I am Groot.

[AS VIN DIESEL] I live my
life a quarter mile at a time.

Perfect Vin Diesel impressions.

Then you have a more
intimate relationship,

like your girlfriend.

That was... better.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Definite improvement, I thought.

For sure.

No doubt.

We'll get there.

Totally.

♪ We love it when you show ♪

And then you have your best friend,

who's there when you need them most.

OK, so my sister said that my mom

is being weird about my dad.

But that's kind of just my dad.

Like, he's weird. I don't know.

How important would you say sex is

to the survival of a relationship?

Truly hope you weren't listening to me.

BOTH: ♪ Watch out, world ♪

♪ I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know so I'ma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets ♪

♪ This is what I say ♪

BOTH: ♪ Watch out, world ♪

♪ I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ You can't tell me nothin' ♪

BOTH: ♪ My heartbeat is so loud ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ ♪

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

what do you do when the sex

with someone you care about is bad?

I'm sorry, I should probably back up.

If you didn't know, Annika and I are

- doing the deed.
- OK, we share a suite wall,

so I'm aware.

Right.

Sorry about the noise.

All me, mostly performative.

OK, why is this on my plate?

Can't you talk to the Gammas?

Well...

Hey, dawg, so you're telling me

that you didn't even get your pants off?

[LAUGHTER]

So that's why they call
you The f*ring Squad.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, good, bro.

The Gammas, they're
good for some things.

This is an A-list problem,

and I need my ace.

I'm strangely honored.

So you think we just need some time

to get into the groove,
or is there a bigger issue?

You know, how long does
it normally take you

to get in the rhythm with someone new?

OK, one, they get in a rhythm with me.

And, two, that's not a problem I have.

Same, usually.

I am Mr. Five-Star D-List, remember.

Mm-hmm, OK, I hope that was something

we left in freshman year.

But seriously, you and Annika,
it's a long time coming.

So I'm not surprised that you'd be

feeling more pressure than
with your five-star flings.

- That is true.
- Yeah.

So just focus on being present.

Stop building it up in your head

and psyching yourself out, OK?

Just... just be.

[SIGHS] Couldn't hurt
to get out of my head.

Yeah. You know what?

Maybe that is what I
need to tell my sister...

Yo, what's up, Swerve? I'm so sorry.

I just got to talk to
him. Thank you so much, Z.

Good luck improving your lovemaking!

I can't believe I'm
actually grabbing coffee

with someone who said,
"Let's grab coffee sometime."

Yeah, it is traditionally
one of those things people say

but don't actually intend to do, like,

"Hey, let me help you with the move."

Or, "Send me the name
of that documentary."

Exactly, but actually,
I wanted to check in

on you academically.

How is your junior year class load?

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I've been doing
some freelance advising

in my free time... not that I have much,

what with my teaching
schedule, extended office hours,

volunteering at various blood drives.

And I did agree to help a friend move.

It's just hard to say no, you know?

Really is.

This newly packed schedule

wouldn't have anything to do
with you and Zoey breaking up,

- would it?
- What? No. No.

No, I'm... I'm an experienced professor

who is taking interest in a
young student's academic journey.

Oh, OK. Yeah, so what's my major, then?

Activism, right?

'Cause you like to be an activist.

No.

Yeah, I think you should, you know,

take a break from the grind like I am,

try experiencing new things...

- Mm-hmm.
- For yourself.

Kiela, I appreciate your concern, I do,

but I'm not trying to
distract myself from Zoey.

I'm not trying to
distract from anything.

There's nothing to distract
myself from, you know?

I'm... I'm fine.

It's just, you don't sound fine.

Would you look at that?
I am late for my : .

How many meetings do you have today?

This was a great chat. Honestly.

I really enjoyed this.
Let's do this again.

You know, we can do it weekly, biweekly.

Just let me know soon, 'cause
spots are filling up fast.

The basic philosophy here

is, to respect one another
is to respect yourself.

ALL: Mm-hmm.

This dorm is all about creating...

If you ask me, the Sober
Dorm got an unfair rap.

It's just a healthy alternative.

Growing up, our parents'
homes were sober dorms,

like, if you really,
really think about it.

Who we truly are.

Because what are we here
to educate if not our souls?

- Mm-hmm.
- Aw.

Anyways, that's the
rest of the guidelines.

We're all cool enough
humans to not need rules.

Rules are for zoos.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, I'm not into men, but I get it.

There's something about him I
can't quite put my finger on.

But it wants to be touching him.

Thanks for listening.

My door is always open, since
I took it off the hinges.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

OK, this place kind of rocks.

The only thing I'm a
little skeptical about

is our stowaway roommate Sofia.

I asked her what her major was.

She said "excellence."

You know, I've never seen
her get up or go to bed.

And no matter what time,
always wearing a suit.

Same. It's like, if she took it off,

there'd just be another
one underneath it.

Hey, yo, ladies.

You're hitting up game night, yes?

We can get there early,
snatch up the good seats.

Will Nicholas be there?

Not that we wouldn't go otherwise.

I have a boyfriend.

- Of course he will.
- It's his event. [LAUGHS]

And, Annika, I think your
tuna sub's on its last legs.

Unless you want food poisoning.

[LAUGHS] Lates.

How did she know that was mine?

Maybe we should blow off this event,

because Sofia seems like she
plays "Monopoly" with real money.

No. When I was an RA,
whoever skipped my first event

was usually trouble.

We skipped all your events.

- And you b*tches were trouble.
- What?

[TEXT MESSAGE SWHOOSHES]

[KEYBOARD TAPPING]

[TEXT MESSAGE SWHOOSHES]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT]

Oh, hey. Morning.

Good night?

Annika and I ironed everything out.

- Sexually.
- OK,

the line on what I'm comfortable
with, we have arrived.

And I'm gonna need you to stop
saying the word "sexually."

Fair, but I just want to say

the advice that you gave was amazing.

I mean, like, amazing.

Whoo!

I was so in the moment,
I did this one, like,

double-pump thing that was...

OK, hello? The line.

Right. Seriously, though, thanks.

Hey, Andre, before you go,

there's something
that's been bothering me.

Ooh, yeah, now's not
a great time for me.

I actually have to get
back to my place and shower.

My parents might be getting divorced.

Oh.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

- I had no idea.
- [SIGHS]

I want to give this the
attention that it deserves.

So maybe, could we,
like, do lunch tomorrow?

Thank you so much.

Of course.

I should really just
check in with my family

to make sure they can
hold off on any more issues

until things open up for you.

I'm... I'm sorry. You know what?

Maybe we can just do it today.

We'll move some things around and...

[PHONE CHIMES]

[BLEEP] off, Andre.

I feel like now is probably a bad time

to go back for my car keys.

Yeah, I'll just walk.

♪ Ooh, what you gon' do ♪

Since my fight with Zaara this morning,

she's been ghosting my
apology texts all day.

So the only thing left to
do is go full ghostbuster.

Fortunately, thanks
to a tip from Annika,

I am bustin' her game
night with an apology.

And bustin' makes me feel good.

Stop. You ate the whole pepper?

Carolina Reaper. Nuked
my taste buds for a week.

But I won the T-shirt.

That's so amazing...

Andre.

- There you are, you.
- Hey, babe.

I'm so happy you're here, my man.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, guy. Nicholas.

Jesus.

They build this guy
in a handsome factory?

What's up?

Thanks for having me.

Actually, I only
invited your girlfriend.

I'm kidding. [LAUGHTER]

I'm gonna go get the pizzas.

What is...

Well, you know, this
has been fun and all.

But I hope we finish in time
so I can make it to Bar None.

[GROANS]

I thought we had to put
in a good appearance.

And we appeared.

This is my first night
off this semester,

and I'm not gonna sit here
and waste it at game night.

So ticktock.

♪ He addicted to spending ♪

♪ He got a habit mentality ♪

♪ I want it, I promise
you he gon' back it ♪

♪ I'ma get the bag, make my own moves ♪

♪ I don't follow rules,
I'm a whole mood ♪

♪ That's my attitude ♪

♪ Look, why you getting
mad 'cause I stake less ♪

♪ Had to cut you off when
I saw it was a contest ♪

♪ Reason why I'm winning same reason ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- I don't know about you,

but I am ready to let loose.

So I suggested we play
Sturbridge Witch Hunt.

[SCOFFS] Wait, Sturbridge what hunt?

Sturbridge Witch Hunt.

It's like werewolf,
Mafia, secret zombie...

an interactive whodunit with a focus

on subverted gender roles.

Look whose schedule cleared up.

Zaara, you know I did not mean...

Let's hold the cross talk for the end.

I was just about to go over the rules.

My apologies, Sofia.

Please, start from the beginning.

And go slow for Andre.

- He's a terrible listener.
- [SCOFFS]

So the rules of the game are...

Are you OK?

And we're all villagers.

If Zaara thinks that I've
never handled my problems

through passive-aggressive parlor games,

she's never met my mom and dad.

When am I gonna meet your mom and dad?

Not sure, but that's something
we definitely won't do sober.

Sofia, question.

Let's hold the questions till the end.

Say you were dealing with
your own witch problems

but now you're ready to talk

to your friend about the harvest

and they just keep blowing you off.

Clearly, the villager only
cares about their own crop

and doesn't give two
shits about anyone else.

This is gonna be a lot
harder than I thought.

You know what? Let's just dive in.

Grab a Post-it off the table.

It'll say which is witch.

Get it? [CHUCKLES]

I thought you couldn't
wait to get out of here.

Yeah, but that was before
I knew we'd be role-playing

while subverting gender roles.

You know, this actually sounds
like a night, like, I really needed.

Imagine this.

As our patrons settle into a location

scored by the passions
of the satisfied...

Doug, listen.

I don't care what you do with
the space downstairs, all right?

I trust you.

To code, though, please.

The inspector is a pain in the ass.

Yeah.

OK.

Yes.

Bro, Ray is in.

I just know that there's
an audience out there

that's ready to turn
up with the volume down.

Man, it's like, once this takes off,

I'm one step closer
to having my own spot.

Mm-hmm. Congrats, man.

Yeah, and I appreciate you.

Thought that you'd be home
right now in your sad robe,

watching "Love & Basketball,"

and eating Cajun
Buffalo-flavored feelings.

Mm-mm, I'm too busy to be sad.

Too busy to be anything, actually.

You know I scheduled so much stuff

that I missed teaching my own class?

Yeah, ironically, while I was auditing

a lecture on time management.

Mm-hmm, OK, I think we need to address

the Zoey-sized elephant in the room.

What's there to say?

We're done, man, OK?

Had something, then we didn't have it.

- That's it.
- OK.

Yeah, other people are gonna
let you give them the eulogy.

But that's... that's not me.

- I'm your friend...
- Yeah.

And I'm gonna give it to you straight.

- All right, let's hear it.
- Yeah.

Even though you're not ready to move on,

you're very much, at the
very least, living single.

Ah, that's a great TV show.

It was the "Friends" before "Friends."

- Needed to be said.
- I'm being serious right now.

- OK.
- OK?

For the first time in a very long time,

you're solely in charge of
the life of Aaron Jackson.

Mm-hmm, which is why
I'm keeping myself busy.

Bro, you're obsessed with
keeping your mind busy

when you won't find anything
until it's finally clear.

How long is that gonna take, man?

I don't know.

I mean, when I split up with Jazz, I...

I mean, I didn't know when
I would finally feel OK.

But you got all the time in
the world to figure it out.

And then you just... you felt ready

to get back out there again?

I mean, I'm very much in
a demanding relationship

with a lady named Bar None.

So while I go downstairs and
measure for a new DJ booth,

figure out what it is that you want.

♪ He don't think that
I know, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tell it to me, DJ ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Do you think Nicholas
gets his clothes tailored?

Everything just hangs right.

I still need to figure
out a way to get to Zaara.

Every time I try to talk to her,

she just calls me a witch,

and then Sofia swoops
in to interrogate me.

Yeah. She is doing the most.

Mm-hmm.

So were you at the town hall
on the Sabbath or not, Jedidiah?

This game reminds me a
lot of that summer in Cuba.

So Santeria and bruja, then?

[TEXT MESSAGE SWHOOSHES]

[KEYBOARD TAPPING]

[TEXT MESSAGE SWHOOSHES]

Wait.

What if Sofia's the witch?

That just... that'd be crazy, right?

Why are you pretending to be into this?

I'm not. I'm just... I'm doing me.

And right now, that means
being here because I want to,

not because I have to.

Or I'd have left by now, so...

Intriguing philosophy.

I'm gonna try it out.

Zaara.

Oh, well, well, well, if
it isn't Esther the Wicked.

Zaara, enough, OK?

We need to talk.

I'm sorry for taking all of the oxygen

out of the room with the Annika stuff.

OK, so just because your
relationship changed,

- that means ours does?
- No.

No, not at all.

I just feel like I can
talk to you about anything.

And how nice does that feel?

You're not the only
one dealing with stuff,

not that you've noticed.

Well, I'm here now.

Amazing.

You're ready to talk
to me finally? Awesome.

Unfortunately, I'm not in the mood.

Distracted, sulking, happy to escape?

I knew it.

Zaara is the witch.

[GRUNTS] I win.

Traditionally, when
game night tears apart

a friendship, it's over something silly

like sneaking a peek during "Battleship"

or not knowing how to play "Clue."

But this feels more serious.

So after my plan to ghostbust
Zaara completely backfired,

I am now stuck here dustbusting
while I guilt spiral.

And this bustin' makes me feel bad.

I can't believe Sofia bailed

after volunteering us to clean up.

I mean, winning and bouncing?

You just... you have to respect it.

We may not know Sofia's
deal, but she sure does.

Maybe she had a friend
who needed her, you know,

someone who could count on her,

someone she's never let down.

Oh, my God, are you
gonna sad clean all night,

or are you gonna go talk to Zaara?

She doesn't want to talk to me.

I get it. I took her for granted.

And years from now, she's
gonna be some random girl

in my freshman year photo album

whose name I can't even remember.

Andre, friends fight.

And what separates us from
the animals is that, you know,

we can do it without ripping
each other's throats out.

Have you seen Zaara's nails?

Look, one-sided friendships
happen to the best of us.

You get caught up in yourself,

and you give out more than you take in.

But no, no. Zaara and
I are more than that.

We're more than just roommates.

Last year, we really
leaned on one another

and became each other's go-tos.

I don't want to lose that.

I can't lose that.

Well, now that she's
had time to cool down,

I bet she'll hear how much you mean it.

[SIGHS] Really?

You're a friend people know
they can count on, Andre.

We all do.

Hey, do you guys mind leaving
the leftover snacks out?

Hosting a Sex Addicts
Anonymous meeting in an hour.

I just... I have to be
there when he relapses.

Girl, you better.

OK, when you're done being distracted,

head over to Google and give
us a five-star review, cool?

Well, you know what? For
as long as I can remember,

I've wanted to run a marathon.

I just... I never had the
time to train until now.

You hate running.

Yeah, but I love having
ran, so maybe I'll do that.

Maybe I won't. I'll
see how I feel tomorrow.

The point is, I've got time.

OK, well, if I catch you
in them webfoot shoes,

I'ma to do both of us a favor,

and I'm gonna run your ass over.

- My man.
- All right.

I noticed you've been alone all night.

And if you'd like to
change that, I'm Didi.

Hi, Didi. How you doing? I'm Aaron.

Nice to meet you.

Let me just say, the
approach is solid, OK?

Ten out of ten. You look great.

I just have to respectfully tell you

that I'm not interested.

Why? You got a girlfriend?

No, I do not have a girlfriend.

I'm just...

focusing on me right now.

Sometimes the connections
you think are the strongest

are the ones you take
for granted and let slip.

And when that happens, you find out

what kind of friend you really are.

Hey.

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

I really am sorry about your parents.

Saying that doesn't make it OK.

I know, but I... I just
need you to hear this.

[SIGHS]

I was wrong to treat
you like my therapist

and not like my best friend.

Grown-ups shouldn't have best friends.

What are you, seven?

My point is, I just don't
want to lose what we have.

Then maybe you shouldn't
get so wrapped up

in defining yourself that you forget

there are people that count on you.

People?

I count on you.

And I just didn't think that us not
sharing a room would change that.

It won't.

I wasn't there for you.

And I know there's nothing I can
do to go back and change that.

But I am here for you
now whenever you need me.

And I can promise you that.

You're not unconvincing.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

So, bestie, is it just
your mom and your dad,

or is there, like, a girl
you like sprinkled in there,

or do you just miss
the comforting sounds

of me sleeping a few feet away?

No, I don't miss your snoring.

They were allergies,
and that was seasonal.

- OK.
- But real talk...

maybe your parents will just be OK.

My parents separated for a
second, and it didn't last.

You never told me that.

Yeah.

When did you know that
they were gonna be OK?

Depends on your definition of "OK."

Fair.

But I think if it helps,
it's always important

to remember, at the end of the day...

and I know this is extremely hard...

our parents are just people too.

- That's so gross.
- I know.

Just k*lled my vibe.

What?

It was supposed to be
motivational, like, inspirational.

Sorry. [LAUGHTER]

For now, I'm gonna work
on being the kind of friend

who doesn't need to be
asked twice to show up.

[SIGHS]

I'm helping Doug with some
stuff at Bar None today.

You want to come?

Don't know.

I kind of liked not waking up hungover.

- Mm-hmm.
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

Morning.

Are you OK?

Never been better.

Oh, do you guys want
in if I order ramen?

For breakfast?

Breakfast is just a label.

I don't do labels, Kiki.

Lates.