02x05 - Trick or Treat

[bunniefuu]

- [PHONE ALARM SOUNDS]
- MIRANDA: [GASPS] Oh, sh*t.

[STOPS ALARM]

I heard it.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

What time is it?

- It's five.
- Oh, f*ck.

I didn't go to sleep till four.

- I'm sorry.
- Hey, come back to bed.

- I can't.
- What?

I have an early class.

If I don't go home
first and wake Brady up,

- he'll sleep all day.
- Sleep all day.

That [GROANS] sounds so good.

Shh. Go to sleep.

I'll be outta here in two minutes.

- Ow!
- Oh, my God.

sh*t... Sorry.

[SIGHS] f*ck.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Morning, pumpkin!

I got our pumpkin. [LAUGHS]

Oh, and there's, um...

there's pancakes.

Not pumpkin. Dropped the ball there.

Mom, I told you, you don't have
to come all the way over here

every morning just to make me breakfast.

I know, but I like it.

And the two of you
would starve if I didn't.

Hey, so, after you eat, you
wanna help me decorate the stoop?

We can't be the only house on the block

with no Halloween spirit.

Isn't this house already scary enough?

[SCOFFS]

- [BRADY CHUCKLES]
- Oh, oh, oh.

["SPOOKY" BY DUSTY SPRINGFIELD PLAYING]

Charlotte is going to k*ll us

for not wearing costumes
to her fundraiser.

I am wearing a costume.

I'm Helen Gurley Brown,
writer and founder

of "Cosmopolitan" magazine, circa .

Oh... I just thought you were you.

When have you ever seen me
wear bows in my hair like this?

I don't know. Wednesday?

It's gonna be an early night for me.

I've lost all my sleep in the
Bermuda Schlepping Triangle

between Che's apartment,
Brooklyn, and Columbia,

so I'm wrecked and in a terrible mood.

Now see, you did come in a costume.

- You came as a giant bummer.
- Yeah.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- GUEST: Thanks for having us.

- [GASPS] Guys!
- Hi!

- It's a costume party!
- I'm Helen Gurley Brown.

I have seen you wear that dress
before. It is not a costume.

Charlotte, did you really
think I was gonna come as Belle

- from "Beauty and the Beast"?
- I knew this would be an issue.

- So...
- Ooh.

I've come as the comic
disaster that is my life.

For the record, you're
not in a costume either.

- Yeah.
- Yes, I am! I'm Elizabeth Jennings.

You know, from "The Americans."

No, still think it's you.

Okay, wait. You have to see us together.

Harry! Honey, honey, come here.

Oh-ho! Okay, yes!

Now we know it's not you
'cause Harry has hair.

We are a husband and wife team

of Russian spies in the ' s.

I'm Keri Russell, and
he is Matthew Rhys.

See? I have smokey
eye, hair on one side.

- Huh.
- Mm.

Babe, how come nobody's gettin' this?

CARRIE: I-I've no idea
what you're talkin' about,

but I am totally on
board with Harry's hair.

Right?! Right?
This is me in eighth grade!

["CREEP" BY TLC PLAYING AT PARTY]

[PARTY CHATTER]

[GUESTS CHEERING]

If one more foodie asks if I'm
supposed to be Padma Lakshmi,

I will file a class-action lawsuit.

Okay, we have a winner.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you. Gettin'
my little Eartha Kitt on.

And for what? Not one fine man here.

Sweetie... complete waste of Lycra.

It's a charity event with
all married men and dad bods.

I saw a, a Captain Jack Sparrow
over there. He's kinda hot.

I saw him, too. He's a woman.

Well, I need a man.

And my free one-month subscription

in Chocolate Singles
only got me cyber-stalked

by a white guy named Jeff.

- So, white chocolate?
- And we all know

white chocolate isn't real.
Fret not, I will take you to the place

- to meet single men.
- Oh! Which is?

A sperm bank? A monastery?

A Marvel movie?

A five-star hotel bar.

Super expensive rooms,
so you know he has coin,

and deadbeats aren't allowed
to wander in off the street.

- Huh.
- So, what do you say, Carrie?

Do we show this newbie the ropes?

Yeah, sure. I'm in.

- Yay!
- You are?! Wow!

- I'm kinda surprised.
- "I'm a mouse on the outside,

but inside, I'm this tiger,
and I have to get on with it."

- It's a quote from Helen Gurley Brown.
- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]

["CREEP" CONTINUES PLAYING]

♪ Yeah, just keep it on the down low ♪

♪ Said nobody is supposed to know ♪

I'm out.

You finally made it!

You are one lucky Frankenstein.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks.

Why did I go through the trouble

of renting you a very expensive
George Washington outfit

- and you don't even wear it?
- Baby, this is a public event.

I didn't wanna end up on
Page Six in a powdered wig.

Also, not great press optics,

you dirty dancing with the Devil.

Well, hon', he's gay.

People don't know that. [CHUCKLES]

He knew the Left Eye, the T-Boz,

and the Chilli parts
verbatim. They know.

Well, it wasn't very dignified.

And besides, this political
run was your idea, remember?

Well, it wasn't my idea for
you to lose all sense of fun.

It's Halloween. Loosen up a bit.

It was on FX for seven seasons.

It won countless Emmys. And a Peabody.

- BATMAN: Hm.
- I look exactly like her.

Oh, like Batman is so original.

["HOWLIN' TO THE MOON" BY
TOPAZ JONES PLAYING AT PARTY]

Hail Spartacus! I'd recognize
those thighs anywhere.

[SIGHS] Straightest party ever.

We're the only two gay guys here.

Anthony, from the gym.

Still can't place me?

Imagine my hand surrounded
by a lotta steam.

Uh, this is my wife.

["SUPER FREAK" BY RICK
JAMES PLAYING AT PARTY]

Uh-huh.

Yeah, straight guy with abs like that.

♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪

♪ The kind you don't
take home to mother ♪

[SHOUTS] Are you really
going to a hotel bar

to look for men?

Well... if you want a man in your life,

ya can't just sit home and
wait for him to come to you.

All right, Helen Gurley Brown.

- Actually, that one was me.
- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]

♪ When I make my move to her
room, it's the right time ♪

♪ She's never hard to please, oh, no ♪

♪ That girl is pretty wild now ♪

SINGERS: ♪ The girl's a super freak ♪

- The British are coming.
- [LISA LAUGHS]

- That's Paul Revere.
- Oh, I know,

but the founding father
never said anything famous

with the word "coming" in it, so...

- just go with it.
- [LISA CHUCKLES]

You look bizarrely hot.

- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLING]

Oh, but before we get down
to business, Mr. President,

I know you're running for
City Comptroller and all,

but you don't get to "comptroll" me.

The message from the councilwoman

on the comforter...

- is received.
- You sure?

Oh, yes.

And I cannot tell a lie.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh!

- Don't, don't touch my hair.
- Oh.

Isn't that what you always say?

- [LISA LAUGHS]
- Huh? Oh.

Nobody can challenge him
if he has the capability

to launch America's nuclear arsenal.

What more do you need?
A written manifesto?

This show is brilliant.
Everyone's insane.

Mom, Dad, you will not
believe what just happened!

Can it wait till after this scene?

No. I was at the park,
and I landed an ollie,

and this cool guy came up
to me and said I was awesome,

and wanted to know if I
ever thought about modeling.

W-What are you saying? What cool guy?

At the park. He wants you to call him.

We are not callin' some
creep from the park.

No, we certainly are not. [GASPS]

Oh, my God.

This... I-I... This is Ralph Lauren.

This guy works for Ralph Lauren?

You know who else
works for Ralph Lauren?

Me, as soon as I go to Kinko's

and make a bunch of fake business cards.

[SIGHS] This is embossed

with the Ralph Lauren logo.

It's his real logo!

Please, please, please,
please can we call him?!

- It'd be so awesome!
- It is a scam.

You think some guy hangin'
around a bunch of kids

at a skate park is scoutin' models?

Honey, this show has made you paranoid.

What's the harm in calling?

Because if this guy really
works for Ralph Lauren,

then he works for Ralph Lauren!

- Go, Mom!
- You know, in high school,

I was a model at the mall.

- And guess who I wore?
- [RINGBACK TONE]

ROCK/HARRY: Ralph Lauren.

- CARRIE: Thank you.
- BARTENDER: You're welcome.

Last time I went to
a bar to meet a man...

my phone folded.

- NYA: Hmm.
- SEEMA: Mm.

Last time I went to a bar
to meet a man was, um...

never.

- How is that possible?
- What?

Andre and I started dating

when I was a junior in college,

and I met my high school
boyfriend at Model U.N.

- Always wondered who did Model U.N.
- [NYA CHUCKLES]

So, by my calculations,

you've only seen two dicks.

I saw more than that last
time I was on the subway.

Do those count? Well,
then I've seen three.

Can I ask how many you've seen?

Enough that you can't surprise me.

- Hmm. Carrie?
- Oh, I'm still surprise-able.

[CHUCKLING]

Excuse me, ma'am, are you shocked

this bar doesn't carry Nettle Field gin?

No, I'm shocked that you
are calling me "ma'am."

Well, I was told that's
how you address royalty.

See, now, I'd buy you a
Nettle Field gin martini...

but this bar doesn't carry it.

Why do you keep saying "Nettle
Field gin" as if it's a thing?

I rep the brand. I'm trying
to get into this hotel chain.

Oh.

Excuse me, bartender.

Can I have a Nettle Field gin martini?

I just told him, we
don't carry that brand.

Why not? I hear it's amazing.

I owe you a bottle.

Only one?

- Mama done hooked a fish.
- [NYA CHUCKLES]

NYA: Oh, my God.

Wait.

Is this a bar or an aquarium?

I think I just found
my chocolate single.

- Hi.
- Evening.

- Hello.
- NYA: Oh.

- My name is Ian.
- Hi, Ian.

May I, uh... buy you a drink?

[CHUCKLES] Sure.

Well, perfect time for Wordle.

- [MOANING]
- [HEAVY BREATHING]

You are very, very hot, your highness.

Thank you. So are you.

Look, I just wanna put this out there,

it has nothing to do with you,

but, sometimes, I suffer from ED.

Hm?

Erectile dysfunction.

Oh... got it.

I appreciate the sensitivity,

but the way things are going tonight,

I just don't think
that's gonna be an issue.

[MOANING]

- So, we're cool?
- Yeah, we're cool.

We're cool.

Some ladies are not cool with it.

Well, I guess some women
might feel a little insecure

when...

[GRUNTS]

Only really takes a sec.

- That's cool.
- Okay.

- [AIR PUMPING]
- [HEAVY BREATHING]

Make this count. Last round, last round.

I can't, I'm too drunk!

- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHEERING]

- Period!
- I'm out of rolling papers.

- Carry on without me...
- Okay. Gimme a light.

But just, like, keep it down.

- [LOUD CHATTER]
- CHE: Shh!

Somebody's asleep in the next room!

- [THUD]
- [QUIETLY] Oh, sh*t. f*ck.

It's okay. I'm awake.

Oh, God. Why don't... D-Do
you not have the earplugs in?

- They don't work.
- Ugh.

- What time is it?
- Um, [COUGHS] it's : .

- Oh, my God!
- Um, just go back to sleep.

- I have to be up at five.
- I-I am so sorry.

I just need rolling papers,

but we're gonna totally keep it down.

- Okay? Ow! f*ck! sh*t!
- [THUD]

[GROANS]

I'm gonna burn that f*cking chair.

[LIGHT, CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning.

[GIGGLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

Ah... There she is.

Sorry I had to cancel lunch.

I got a late start today
because that guy stayed over.

Really, really? How was that?

Let's just say I'm still surprise-able.

- He had a penis pump.
- What?!

- CYCLIST: Bike lane! Bike lane!
- He had to pump up his d*ck.

- Bike lane! Bike lane!
- [GASPS]

- Bike lane!
- Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Exactly!

No, not you. I...

Oh, my God, I h... I have to go.

I think I may have k*lled a man.

[GROANS] You can't stop in
the middle of a bike lane!

Oh, my God! I know, I know, I know that.

- I know. I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
- CYCLIST: f*ck.

My friend was telling me something

that literally stopped me in my tracks.

I... Never, never mind.
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Do you want me to call
an ambulance, maybe?

- Here let me, let me...
- Ow! God!

Not, n-not my arm.

- Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- God.

It's my wrist.

- It might be sprained. At least I...
- Really?

I hope it's... Ow. I
hope it's only sprained.

Well, can I take you to an Urgent Care?

'Cause I also... I think I heard
a cr*ck, and a cr*ck is never good.

- Probably just my helmet.
- There's one on th Street.

I know, because I-I-I... Once
I saw an Olsen twin go in there.

I mean, that's why it, that's
why it stuck in my mind, you know,

because, like, w-what kind
of Urgent Care on th Street

would a-an Olsen twin need, you know?

Do they, d-do they live
around here, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm so...

I'm nervously talking 'cause I'm...

Would you please... Can I, can I
please take you to the Urgent Care?

All right, yeah, uh,
maybe 'cause my wrist

is really, um, starting to pound.

- [CYCLIST SIGHS]
- Okay.

- I'll get your bike for you.
- Yeah, please. Oh, God.

- Ooh!
- I... Here, just...

Oh, I got it, I got it.
Oh, watch... I'm so sorry.

I-I-I got a busy day,

so I hope that they're quick.

Well, I mean, "urgent"
is in their name, so...

- Yeah, not in yours.
- Mm, no, sorry. We'll go this way.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- f*ck.

I never, ever... I'm
not one of those people.

Like, I've lived here forever.

I never stop in a bike lane.

Hi, I know we're at
the back of the line,

but I heard him hit his head,

and I'm worried about a clot.

Ma'am, we will get to you
as soon as we can. I promise.

No, I-I get it. I do.

I just don't wanna be
responsible for a clot.

Ya know? I-I've gotta cover my bases.

You wanna move it along?

Go fill these out for your friend.

Okay. Thank you. Will do. Thank you.

Thank you. sh*t, this is, uh, [INHALES]

so not a good time for a broken wrist.

Broken? What happened to a sprain?

Uh, well, it's kind of k*lling me
to text, so...

- Here.
- Well, do you want me

to help you fill these forms out? Yeah?

- Oh, uh, yeah. Thank you.
- Okay.

No problem. Of course.

Okay, um, name and date of birth.

Uh, George Campbell.

George Campbell. C-A-M...

- P-B-E-L-L.
- P... E-L-L.

- Yep.
- Date of birth?

Uh, - - .

- Oh, happy belated birthday.
- [GEORGE CHUCKLES]

Um, address?

- Uh, East th.
- Two...

Really? Oh, my God, that's so funny.

I'm East rd Street.

We're related. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, moving on to the
tougher stuff. Uh...

Emergency contact.

Uh, my partner, Paul Bennett.

- B-E-N-N-E-T-T.
- Oh. Partner, gotcha.

Oh. Ha. Uh, [CHUCKLES] no, not...

Uh, not husband partner.

- Uh, business partner.
- Oh.

Yeah. Never been married.

- [FACETIME RINGING]
- Okay. [QUIETLY MUTTERS]

Uh, speak of the Devil.

- Hi, Paul.
- Man, where are you?

The final version
of that app deck is due...

In two days. Believe me, I know.

Uh, I am at Urgent Care,

- so here.
- No, this is urgent. Okay?

We're, we're running out
of buyers. It's do or die!

Yeah, all right, let me finish.

Um, I am here, stuck
in whatever the opposite

of a hit-and-run is. Meet Carrie.

Oh, hi, hi. [CHUCKLES]

Again, I'm m-mortified about this.

I'll never get used to those bike lanes.

They didn't have 'em when
I came to New York in .

- PAUL: George?
- RECEPTIONIST: Sir, with the wrist?

You can go back to exam room two.

PAUL: What is goin' on over there?

- Paul, I'll call you back.
- [ENDS CALL]

- Okay. Um...
- Do you need help with...

Nah, I'm good. I'll just take this.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I'll take that.

Yep.

And, uh... thank you.

- Of course. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'll say hi to the Olsens.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

- HARRY: I'm home!
- Hi, Dad!

Whoa! Rock is helpin' to make dinner.

What? Did I come home
to the wrong house?

What is... What is this
Norman Rockwell scene here?

Honey, we have been
doing some more research

on the Ralph Lauren sh**t.

Uh, honey... absolutely not.

I'm just... I'm really...

I'm smellin' a, a, a "Taken" type

kidnapping vibe here,

and I just...

I don't have the muscle
mass to rescue Rock

from a compound in Belize.

Dad, it's not a kidnapping vibe.

We Zoomed with the advertising team,

and it's actually quite
legitimate and impressive.

It is a progressive family concept,

and Rock will be wearing a Polo shirt,

exactly what I wore as a teen model!

Teen model. Next stop, rehab.

- Mom's not a junkie.
- That's right! I'm not.

Harry, you are being ridiculous.

Rock really wants to do this,

and they've come up with a great idea

of how they would spend
the money they would make.

Plant some trees in Israel!

Oy.

Look, look, even if it is legit,

it's gonna be exploitative.

Ya know? The next thing
ya know, they're gonna be

usin' Rock's likeness in
God knows what kinda ad.

Harry, this is a Polo campaign.

- What could they do?
- Dad, I hear you.

So, you don't have to come
'cause Mom's gonna take me.

It'll be awesome.

Slippery slope.

I don't know why they call
this place Urgent Care.

It should be called "I
Hope You Have Nothing Else

Planned for the Rest of the Day" Care.

Why are you still there?

Because I made the mistake
of telling him my name,

so now I'm implicated.

I don't wanna get sued. I'm Google-able.

And, you know, the poor guy can't type.

He's got this big... sales
presentation in two days,

and it's all about an app he's
desperate to sell. At his age?

I mean, oh, God.

I just hope I didn't
ruin his big chance.

You know, maybe I should
just write him a check.

You're a pushover... like me.

[LAUGHS] Since when are you a pushover?

Since last night. I told pump
gin guy I'd see him again.

- Seriously?
- Dating at this age,

there's always something.

We had minutes of great foreplay,

a bizarre intermission,
followed by B-plus sex.

Well, what are you gonna
do if he doesn't bring it?

You gonna swap in the pump
you use for your yoga ball?

With most of these guys, I have to
get myself off anyway at the end.

And at least with him, I had some
laughs and a sexy spoon after.

Oh, 'kay, gotta go. Bye.

Wow... You're still here?

- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]
- Waiting for a total stranger?

- That is very cool.
- How's the wrist feeling?

- It's pretty good.
- Oh, great.

Great, I just wanted to
make sure it wasn't broken.

Oh, uh, yeah, no. It's, uh,
it's... definitely broken.

- Oh.
- That must have been

the opioids talking.

RECEPTIONIST: Sir, the card ya gave us

earlier to put on file was declined.

Oh, right. Uh, sh*t, that one's no good.

Um, yeah, here. Um, sorry, this one.

Actually, uh, sorry... do that one.

Sorry, yeah.

It was so great.

I felt like everyone on the street

was giving me that
"you just had sex" eye.

I love you having a hot walk of shame.

I mean, I get it now.

These one-night stands are amazing!

STUDENTS: Afternoon, Professor Wallace.

- Good afternoon, ladies.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

We did it all night long,

and then, I got up,
got dressed, went home,

and slept in my own bed until two.

Jealous. Not of the sex, of the sleep.

- What?
- I'm early mornings, Che's late nights.

I would only sleep there on the weekends

when we could stay in bed,

if I had literally anywhere else to go.

Um... you do. Andre's
music room is empty.

Crash there until
Steve finds a new place.

That's an incredible offer!

But y... you don't really mean that.

You're just being nice.

I-I'm not nice, and I do mean it.

Miranda...

I don't really like living alone.

And you can't keep going
from Che's to Brooklyn

- at five in the morning.
- I can't.

I'm exhausted, and I look it.

You do.

- [SCOFFS]
- [LAUGHING]

I told you I'm not nice. [LAUGHS]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- [ON INTERCOM]: Yes?
- Oh, um...

if this is George Campbell, this is, uh,

this is your near-assassin,
Carrie Bradshaw.

- Oh, uh, come on in.
- [DOOR BUZZES]

Thank you.

[CHEERFUL, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello?

Hi there.

- Hey.
- You again?

Wha... Do you live here,

or are you temping for an art gallery?

Nope, uh, I-I live here.

Oh, my.

Was it previously a train station?

Or...

- an airplane hangar?
- What a, what a nice surprise.

Um, unless you're here
to break my other wrist?

No, no, no, no, no. No, I come in peace.

- Ah.
- Well, actually, it's guilt.

And to offer lunch and my intact wrists

to help with your big presentation,

if that's not weird.

Umm, it's def-definitely
weird, um... [LAUGHS]

- Okay.
- But I can... I-I will

take your help because I
just ran out of Percocet.

- Oh, no.
- Uh, so, I assume

you are proficient in Python?

I type words a minute.

[MOUTHS] Wow.

Um, Carrot Ginger, Matzo Ball, and Pea.

- There's enough food here for a week.
- Hm.

Who has three different soups for lunch?

I was thinking maybe
you could freeze it.

What?

I... [CHUCKLES] I don't
know when your last meal was.

- Do I look like I'm starving?
- No.

Um, you know, just
'cause I'm not married

doesn't mean that I don't
know how to cook or order in.

No, it wasn't that.

I just thought that perhaps
you were in a bit of a bind.

Because, you know, the frantic,
last-chance business call,

and then the credit card situation.

Oh. Uh, okay, so, that credit card
was closed out 'cause of fraud, um,

and Paul and I have just put
way too much time into that app

to, to see it go down the tubes.

You know, we-we've been hustling
in the tech space since college.

Oh, beer pong to... all this.

It's impressive.

Yeah, uh, we've sold three apps.

- Wow.
- Uh, hopefully, four, uh, if

you and I can ever get down to work.

- My wrists are all yours.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Here, hold on, let me just, uh...

Just gotta wake it up.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

- Tiny wrists.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

That okay?

[CARRIE CHUCKLES]

Dude, f*ckin'... hang a towel
on the door if you got company.

Um, yeah, no, and I th...
I thought we used a sock.

- Not time for comedy.
- [GEORGE LAUGHS]

Um, your dry cleaner called me again.

- This has been there a month.
- Ah.

Anyway, uh, Paul, this is Carrie.

- FaceTime from Urgent C...
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Hi.

Um, yeah, she's helping me
out with my m*nled wrist.

Not what it looks like.
We're on a deadline, bro.

It's game time.

Well, I should...

probably take my tiny wrists and go.

It's, um, it's rush hour.
Can I borrow a bike?

- Yeah, sure.
- [CARRIE LAUGHS]

Never gonna happen.

I take cabs. Enjoy the soups.

CHE: ABC is, like, so excited.

And my agent's flying
in for the testing,

- which is apparently a good sign.
- [EXHALES] Oh.

This red curry is not a joke. [EXHALES]

You know that's what happens
when you order something spicy.

Yes, but... I needed
something to wake me up.

- Hmm. Hm.
- I am awake, so... please, go on.

What is testing?

So, they ask a bunch of randos
that they find in Times Square

to, uh, give feedback on my pilot.

I guess it helps them figure out how
to best market the show to America.

- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.

- [CHE LAUGHS]
- Okay. [EXHALES]

[SNIFFLES] So...

- if my body survives this meal...
- Uh-huh.

I'm thinking I may move
into Nya's spare room.

Sometimes, I-I feel like
I'm cramping your style.

Meaning my loud-ass friends
are keeping you awake all night?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

And my crazy-ass schedule

is keeping you awake all morning.

- Oh, is that right? I hadn't noticed.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

Plus, Nya's place is, like,

- two minutes away from my house.
- Yeah.

I mean, I love having ya
there, but whatever works

best for you is what I want.

And, uh, and I'm, I'm still
gonna sleep over plenty of nights.

- Don't worry.
- Hmm.

The only thing I'm worried about...

is that spice all over your lips

'cause I'm not tryna
have curry-lingus later.

[LAUGHS]

Look, honey.

Oh my, look at how professional!

I am so proud of you.

I haven't even done anything yet.

That's okay. It's already amazing.

Hey, Rock. I'm Bee.
I'll be your stylist today.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

- This is my mom.
- Hi. I'm Charlotte.

- Are you wearing all vintage Ralph?
- Head to toe!

I've been wearing him
since I was a teen... model.

Right this way.

Sorry, "model" just came out.

Thank you so much for
asking me to be here, honey.

- It means a lot.
- I'm so glad you can be here with me.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Chin up!

CARRIE: So, how are you feelin' about

the whole roommate situation?

- Great!
- Oh.

We're both going through divorces,

so we'll be like an
angry Laverne and Shirley.

Okay, the room is very small,

so if ya see a single bed that
looks like it won't fall apart

before Steve finds a new
place, throw yourself on it.

Well, it's been a couple months.

How long will that be, exactly?

I-I don't feel I can ask him.

I-I don't feel like I'm allowed
to ask anything right now.

Except to ask me to sit on...
someone else's used mattress?

Ugh, these single beds look so sad.

Well, look closer,
'cause maybe they're not.

Case in point,

the single man I'm having
dinner with tonight.

I heard "partner," I thought "gay."

I heard "crash," I thought "lawsuit."

I heard "Urgent Care," I
thought, "This'll be quick."

I got everything wrong.

No more snap judgments.

So, you're saying you think
I should take this one?

Absolutely not. I see that
mattress, I think "bedbugs."

PHOTOGRAPHER: Rock, that's great!

There we go!

All right, Rock... turn around.

Big smile, big smile! Lots of energy.

["LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY"
BY DONNA SUMMER PLAYING]

PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, eyes wide.

That was perfect, that was perfect.

♪ ♪

Yo, dude, what's happenin'?

- What's good, man?
- PHOTOGRAPHER: You're crushin' it.

Dude, this is a dope sh**t.

What's gonna be on
that green screen, yo?

Like somethin', uh,
dirty or sexy or what?

All right, let's keep that head down.

I don't know, bro...

but this is a family scene.

There's kids here.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Big smile, big smile!

There we go!

Excellent, Rock. Just like that.

Dude...

you better get outta here right now

- before Rock sees you.
- All right, another one right here.

Baby... there's just somethin'
about this whole situation

that does not sit right with me.

Could it be that I am the fun parent

and you are the heavy for a change?

Mmm... maybe.

- Look at that one right there!
- If you don't get outta here

before that kid sees you,

all trust will be broken,

and you will never be
"fun dad" ever again.

- Good point.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Here we are!

- Later, dude.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, big smile.

I thought you were returning that hair.

- Carrie likes it.
- Over your right shoulder,

- right shoulder.
- And I lost the receipt.

- Peace out.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: There it is... Hat off.

♪ ♪

Look away like you're too
cool, too cool for school.

That's great, Rock. Just like that.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- That scene with the apron was funny.

Okay. Wow, so we love,
we loved Che's dad.

Any other positive feedback

on the character played by Tony Danza?

- Yeah.
- Great head of hair. So lush.

[LAUGHS] Everybody loves Tony.

Negatives about our dad character?

He looked uncomfortable in
that scene when she cried.

When "they," "they" cried.

Right... sorry.

The crying sends a signal
that it's sad to be non-binary.

That is what I said!

I knew the scene was too
much, and I told 'em that.

I told 'em that repeatedly.

- Repeatedly.
- Okay. We have that note.

You've been pretty quiet.

Can we hear some more from you?

- Me?
- TESTING REPRESENTATIVE : Mm.

I mean... [SCOFFS] the
whole "Che" character

was like a walking boomer joke

that felt so fake to me.

Just some phony,
sanitized, performative,

cheesy-ass, dad joke...

bullshit version of what
the non-binary experience is.

It sucked.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Also, they would not be able to afford
an apartment that big in Bushwick.

[ALL AGREEING]

Did anyone else have
anything negative to say

about the character of
Che, played by Che Diaz?

Okay, looks like we got a Yahtzee.

MIRANDA: Everybody thinks of TV today

as a place where artistic
people get to be creative.

But the truth is, they just
care about selling soap.

TV is just a-a-a-a-a
corporate conglomerate,

and those corporate
assholes can eat sh*t.

It's just like corporate law.

They will never get it. And I'm sorry,

Times Square tourists?

They can't possibly
understand your story.

Um... a genderqueer person
from Brooklyn tanked it.

That call came from inside the house.

Well, they can eat sh*t, too then.

And ABC was like, "If that
demographic doesn't like Che..."

ABC can eat sh*t! ABC
can eat sh*t and die!

Stop telling everybody to
eat sh*t. It's not helping.

Sorry.

How am I gonna afford this apartment?

I was counting on that TV money.

Okay, so... you'll make another show.

You'll make an even better show.

Yeah, doesn't work that way.

You mean it didn't before now...

but you're you.

There is nobody like you.

- [CHE SNORTS]
- You just have to suck it up

and, and pull yourself outta this.

- I'll be your cheerleader. Woo-hoo!
- Oh, Miranda, stop.

- Let's go! Let's go!
- Stop.

- Miranda, stop. Stop, stop!
- Let's go!

I don't need a cheerleader!

This isn't a game, this is my life!

This is my career! This is my identity!

It took me years
to figure out who I am,

and then a focus group one
hour to... f*ckin' destroy me!

So, I don't need to be
all Tony Robbins'd right now.

I got it.

- [CHE EXHALES]
- So, what can I do?

I don't... Nothing.

I'm a mess. [EXHALES]

I just need some space.

♪ ♪

Would you mind staying the
night at your other place?

Oh, sure... of course.

Can I hug you before I go?

♪ ♪

Okay.

So, I'll see ya tomorrow.

You know, honestly, I think I just,
I think I just need a, a bit...

A, a few more days alone.

Is that okay?

Yeah, sure.

[CHUCKLES]

[LOUD MOANING]

[EDWARD LAUGHS]

Wow! Oh!

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Oh!

Woo! [LAUGHS] Ho-ho-ho!

My... oh.

Wow, that was great.

[SIGHS]

[HEAVY EXHALE]

[VIBRATING STARTS]

Uh, that's not cool.

- [SCOFFS] Are you for real right now?
- Um...

- [VIBRATING STOPS]
- Sir,

do you seriously have the balls
to say something about my device

when I wake up to your
freshly washed penis pump

- drying in my dish rack?
- That's different.

That was just to get us started.

This is so like... [IMITATES VIBRATOR]

- So noisy.
- Oh.

I'm sorry if I'm bothering
the man whose penis pump goes

pft-pft-pft in the
middle of my bedroom.

Wow... Mm-hmm... Mm-hmm.

Not cool.

So not cool.

[SIGHS]

[VIBRATING STARTS]

- [VIBRATING INTENSIFIES]
- Seriously?!

Not cool!

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Look at you.

- Uh, l-little help here?
- Oh, sorry. No, I'm sorry.

They're tiny... tender buttons.

[FACETIME RINGING]

Mm, here wait one second.
That's probably... Paul.

Um, I just need to,
I just need to get this.

- Uh, sure.
- Give me one second. Um...

- Uh, dude, what is up?
- Dude, where's the final deck?

I messengered it to you.

I have no final deck.

f*ck. f*ck! f*ck, I forgot to send it.

Uh, I'm gonna, uh, call my
assistant and have him...

come pick it up ASAP, okay?

- Are you with her right now?
- Yeah, I'm...

- Seriously, dude?!
- With her,

but that is not relevant.

Hey, it's not not relevant!

I will get this to you pronto,

and my head is totally in the game.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

PAUL: Goddammit!

Just stop, all right?

God.

Look, it's, it's...
it's nothing against you.

Is it Carrie?

Can you hear me?

Yeah?

Okay, I'm, I'm sorry about all this.

Honestly, it's just... It's been a...

a few bumpy years.

You know, he's, he's creative,

and I'm, I'm business,

and... uh, sometimes I have to push

just to get him across
that finish line...

which, uh...

I guess it ends up making
me look like the bad guy,

and, and a piece of sh*t, and I'm not.

I've been in this game for...
-something years now...

and, uh, you know, I feel
like he's been just, kind of,

falling off a little bit, like,

"Oh, you know, I'm just gonna give %,"

like, that's cool.
It's not f*cking cool.

I'm f*cking frustrated, Carrie.

George?

- George?
- GEORGE: Be right there!

Just gotta get this deck together!

Ooh.

Hey.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna go!

He's upset.

GEORGE: Paul's great.

I don't want you to think he's a jerk.

It's, it's just this
sale's a big deal for us,

and it's stressful as hell.

You know how on your
form I checked "single"?

Well, I think you
actually are married...

to Paul.

He's not just your business
partner, he's your wife.

GEORGE: No, no, it's not like that.

We're more Lennon and McCartney.

Well, that kinda makes me
Yoko, so... I'm gonna go.

- GEORGE: You sure?
- Yep! Leaving!

I wish you a long and happy marriage.

["SMILE" BY WILL POWERS PLAYING]

Carrie?

♪ Just smile, just a smile ♪

CARRIE: And just like that,
George and I were over.

But at least I got back up on the bike.

♪ Just smile ♪

♪ Just because the morning is sunny ♪

♪ To say hello, to say good-bye ♪

♪ Maybe somethin' strikes you funny ♪