"Guys with Kids" is taped
in front of a live studio audience.
Here it is...
One spin will determine
who has to take Clark and Yoda
to Donny Newman's
terrible, horrible,
roller-skating birthday party
this afternoon.
Three, yes!
Winner, ha ha!
Chutes and Ladders,
game of steel, uh!
I'm watching the football game
with my guys.
Is this really
how you make decisions?
More fun
than talking it out.
Mom, this fell
off your window.
How?
We were hanging on it.
- What is wrong with you two?
- Run! Run!
Hide in the hamper.
I'll come get you
when the coast is clear.
Those boys.
Baby, we were talking
about replacing
the blinds anyway.
Guys, what do you think
we should get,
shutters or drapes?
Hey, they don't always get
to weigh in on our decisions.
- What?
- They don't live here.
Oh, it'd be cool if we did,
though, right?
We could tell each other secrets
while we fall asleep.
These guys don't all get
a vote in everything we do.
We were talking about buying
a toy bin, uh-huh?
Then you go out with those two
and come back
with that old card catalog
thing over there,
which, may I say,
holds nothing.
It's from a simpler time.
Okay, hey, no problem.
Staying out of your life.
You look so pretty
in this picture, Aunt Marny.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Oh, you are so lucky
to have a girl.
The closest my boys come
to complimenting me
is punching me in the butt.
Girls are so sweet
and so quiet,
and you get
to dress them up
and go get your nails done
together and--
[gasps]
If I had a little girl,
H-hey.
Hey, guys.
Come on, let's go to Chris'
house and watch some football.
- Football.
- Yeah.
♪ Life is
how you're living ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ where you're going,
where you want to be ♪
♪ hey, hey ♪
- ♪ you and me ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ we're happy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, hey ♪
♪ we need our friends
like the sun ♪
♪ everybody singin' ♪
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
♪ everybody singin' ♪
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
You guys, I'm in trouble.
Marny wants to try for a girl
again, I can tell.
That's insane.
You guys already have four kids.
Why do you need more?
You're not farmers.
I know, but once Marny
gets it in her head
that she wants to have
another kid,
there's no stopping her.
Sure there is.
You just say no.
I think I know
how this works.
When I was a kid,
I had two hamsters
that were very deeply in love.
Hey, I try to talk her
out of it,
but she goes straight
for my weak spots.
First thing, she comes out
wearing one of my dress shirts.
Right there, game over.
Pull the crib out of storage.
Okay, so then we'll just
hide your dress shirts
at my place
until things cool down.
Great.
But then she starts throwing
compliments at me
and these little bitty kisses
that activates my baby maker.
I'm gonna need
just a little more space
if we're going to talk
about this.
Okay, come on, come on.
Here's what you gotta do.
Break out what Sheila
used to say
when she wanted
to k*ll the mood.
[Brooklyn dialect]
"Hands off the merchandise."
I can't believe
you two didn't make it.
Thanks, guys.
I think I can do this.
We're going to have
our phones on us
until this baby
opportunity passes.
So if you need us,
you just text 911.
Hi.
Why are you guys
always together?
It takes a village,
Sheila.
- Well, you got your village--
- Idiot.
Village idiot.
Yes.
I b*at you to it.
Not an insult.
Um, hey, look,
I talked Chris into hosting
a baby CPR class here
tomorrow night,
and I think we should
all attend.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
I'd hate to, but I can't.
Tomorrow night,
I have nothing.
Hey, sign us up.
Yeah.
The more time me and Marny
are not alone, the better.
Now, I've got to get
to my apartment
and pack up
all my dress shirts.
I didn't understand
any of that.
Okay, come on, Ernie.
Let's go, babe.
Oh, oh.
Here we go.
Oh, hey.
Did you go through
those baby sign language
worksheets I gave you?
No, no, never.
We're not married any more.
I don't have to do
dumb stuff like that.
Bye, Ernie.
Uh, Nick, is this the milk
you just used on your cereal?
Yeah, it's delicious.
Tastes almondy.
No, it tastes
Sheila breast milky.
No.
And you drank all of it,
which means I have
to ask her for more.
No, no, she cannot
know about this.
She'll hold it
over my head forever.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's coursing
through my body.
So cold.
Guess who just stopped by
to sign us up
for a CPR class?
Miss annoyingly perfect mother,
Sheila.
Ugh.
What's the matter?
I just drank
her breast milk.
Of course
she's still breast-feeding.
I only did it
for three months,
but she's like
a damn dairy cow.
That is not the reaction
I was expecting.
You know, we did just do
a CPR class last year.
Why are we doing another one?
Because she always makes me
feel like we're bad parents.
"Oh, Emily, did you not know
that stroller only got
"two stars for safety?
But I'm sure it's fine
for around the building."
Our stroller only got
two stars for safety?
Oh, it's fine.
It works fine.
Honey, we are great parents.
Don't let her get in your head.
I'm not feeling like
such great parents right now.
Recognize this
from Gary and Marny's?
- Violet is stealing again.
- What?
She told me her teacher's
thermos was her last job,
and then she was getting out.
This is getting
out of hand, Nick.
First, it's toys
from her friends.
Now, she's stealing
from our friends.
She is going to end up
in jail, Nick.
She is going to jail.
Our daughter is going to jail.
You think
we might be getting
a little ahead
of ourselves here?
Violet, will you come
in here, please?
I will talk to her.
Violet, did you take this?
No.
Okay, if you tell me
the truth right now,
you're not going to get
in any trouble.
- Did you take this?
- Yes.
Listen, I want you
to promise me
you will never do anything
like this again.
Okay.
I promise.
Or you'll go to jail.
Honey, I got this.
I want you to go to your room
and think about what you did.
There's no night lights
in jail, Violet.
Gary, where are
your dress shirts?
Okay.
Here we go.
I sent them
to the cleaners.
- All of them?
- Yeah, all of them.
You know, I stepped
on a ketchup bottle,
and it squirted
every single one.
That seems weird.
It was.
So...
The kids are asleep.
What do you want
to do tonight?
Uh, where did you
get that from?
I forgot Clark was using
one of your old shirts
as a smock for his painting.
Hmm.
We make
such talented children.
I know what you're doing.
I know what you're doing.
You, uh--
stay away from me.
Okay, okay.
No baby kisses,
'cause baby kisses
only lead to one thing--
babies.
All right?
Hey, stop it.
- Stop what?
- Uh--
I know
why you're being romantic.
Because I love you?
You don't love me.
You want a girl.
No.
I want you.
Whoa.
[Brooklyn dialect]
Hands off the merchandise.
Hands off the merchandise.
Hands off
the merchandise.
I'm just using
the emergency key
'cause this fell
into Emily's purse.
Is this a bad time?
No, no, Nick.
No, hey, no, no, no.
Come on in, man.
Hey, sit down.
Watch a movie with us.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that, Nick.
Our TV is broken.
Oh, you know what?
She's right, Nick.
The TV is broke.
So I have to go
up to Nick's place
to watch a movie.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Oh, yes, I do.
And you're so beautiful, baby.
That's why I have to go
up to Nick's.
Well, why do we have
to go to CPR class.
Stop it.
I can't be around Sheila.
If she looks at me,
she will know my shame.
If we don't show,
we are just going to give her
another reason to say
that we're bad parents,
and she will milk it
for all it's worth.
Oh, hi, Emily.
Oh, and look.
You brought
your own CPR dummy.
Hi, Sheila.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Thank you for organizing this.
So I'm excited.
This is going to be fun.
Oh, I think
I take child safety
too seriously to have fun.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Well, I didn't mean
fun fun.
You know, I just meant--
oh, to hell with it.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
Aunt Marny!
Hey, knock it off,
little girl.
All right.
We're all here.
Let's bring it in, people.
It's go time.
The key today is to learn
proper infant CPR techniques.
So, remember, this is not
a competition.
Yeah.
That wouldn't be fair.
That's it.
Hey, let's make it one.
All right.
My kind of group.
Here we go.
Baby up!
Oh, hey, here.
You want the girl one?
Marny wants to try
for a girl.
- Aww.
- Wait, how did you know that?
I had no idea you guys were
trying to have another baby.
And you weren't supposed to.
Blinds weren't enough?
Now you need them weighing in
on if we have more children?
Nobody's weighing in, Marny.
Nobody's in our business.
Just a little heads up.
If you want to have a girl,
it's important to conceive
early in your cycle.
I'm sensing that it's time
for me and Marny to leave.
We've had a lovely time,
Sheila.
Thanks for inviting us.
[Electronic buzzer]
Come on, Marny.
Okay, can anyone tell me
what she did wrong?
I just don't understand
why you're talking about
having another kid
with everyone but me.
Because I can't talk
to you about it
when you're in this crazy Marny
mode like you're in right now.
Are you guys fighting?
No, we're just talking loud
because we're in love
with each other!
Okay, granted,
in the past,
I pushed a little hard
for a girl.
But this is not
one of those times.
I can have a rational
conversation about this.
Okay.
You want to have a rational
conversation about this.
Let's start
with the pros and cons.
Con--we already have
four children.
Pro--I've always
wanted a girl.
Con--we already have
four children.
Listen, you know, we're
already in the thick of it.
What's the difference?
They say, "once you have
more than three--"
ha ha, keep it going.
Gary, this is important
to me.
Okay, and this is not
crazy Marny talking.
Which, you know, let me
just put it out there,
is not my favorite nickname.
Look, I don't know
what to do.
Play you Chutes and Ladders
for it.
Chutes and Ladders?
You want to play a board game
to determine whether or not
we're going to have
another kid?
Yeah, why not?
This board game is why
our son is named Yoda...
And not after my father.
That is true.
All right.
Let's play.
Great.
Come on.
Come on.
[Bell dings]
Oh, we have a winner.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh.
Look, I don't care
how you do it,
but I need you
to b*at Sheila.
I don't know if I'm really
in the right space--
- Just save the baby.
- Okay.
I can do this.
I'm just gonna--
visualize victory.
Here we go.
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.
Look, look, milk.
Mmm.
Resuscitate.
Come on, go.
[Electronic buzzer]
Oh, red light!
Bad parents right here.
Even if we had a kid,
and it was a girl,
where would she sleep?
We would just move the boys
into one room.
You put four boys in one room,
it doesn't end well.
You know who tried that?
Joe Jackson.
[Clattering noise]
- Is everyone okay back there?
- We're fine.
We're just playing loud
because we love each other.
I love that little wise-ass.
You see?
You have your boys.
You guys understand each other
in ways I just do not get.
Plus, you get to play football,
you get to rough house.
You get to do guy things
together.
I would like just one
I could do girl things with.
- Yeah, but--
- And let me just say,
if it was reversed
and we had four girls,
you would want your boy.
Mm--
Look me in the eye
and tell me you wouldn't want
to keep trying for your boy.
You see?
Okay.
You're right, you're right.
Look, if we had four girls--
hell, if we had ten girls,
I would still try
for my boy.
I wouldn't know what my life
would be like without my boys.
Oh.
Let's go for the girl.
Really?
Yeah.
Everyone's asleep.
Good.
Because now is the time.
It turns out
the CPR guy was right.
We gotta move.
Chop chop.
If that isn't sexy,
I don't know what is.
[Chuckling]
Mom, Dad.
The door's locked.
We know.
What do you need?
I wet the bed.
Go sleep
in your brother's bed.
I wet his, too.
I hate it.
Sheila's right.
We're the worst parents ever.
No, don't blame yourself.
I'm the one who lost
every round.
It's not you, it's me.
Sheila's in my head.
And my tum-tum.
- I'm talking about this.
- Whose are those?
Sheila's.
I found them in Violet's room.
Violet.
Did you take these?
- No.
- Violet.
It had a pretty little
pig on it.
Okay, you are going to walk
right upstairs to Sheila's
and return those yourself.
Both: No.
It would be embarrassing.
Super embarrassing.
- Come on, we are going.
- Why do we have to do this?
Because we're good parents.
Well, we don't have to be.
A lot of very successful people
come from terrible homes.
Well, there's no keys
under here.
But we got two pacifiers,
a bunch of cheerios--
Ooh! Ooh!
Stamps, awesome.
[Knock at door]
Hey.
What's up, guys?
Hi.
Uh, Violet has something
she would like to say
to Sheila.
Oh.
What is it, sweetheart?
Go ahead.
It's for the best.
I took your keys.
Sorry.
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you
for telling me.
I know it's not easy
to apologize,
but you were a big girl
to tell the truth.
- You feel better now?
- I don't know.
I'm really sorry about that.
It's not a big deal.
It's pretty common
for kids her age to take things.
Thank you for being
so understanding.
- That was really nice of you.
- No, it's nothing.
The truth is,
I used to steal things
- when I was a kid.
- Oh, really?
And I'm from a very
well-respected family.
There it is.
Okay, so, on that note,
I think we'll all be going.
Right away, please.
Okay, this has gone on
long enough.
Nick, don't you have something
you want to say to Sheila?
No.
Go on.
It'll be for the best.
I drank your breast milk.
You what?
It was an accident.
It was with some Fruit Loops.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
No.
Is it because
I drank your breast milk?
Stop saying that.
Please.
Stop saying that
I drank your breast milk?
Yeah.
I'm just trying to come clean
about the time
that I was accidentally
nourished
by your rich
mammarian nectar.
Come on.
You're right, Emily.
I feel so much better right now.
The boys' sheets
are changed.
Let's do this.
[Baby crying]
This is never
going to happen.
At least
not without some help.
Here, hold my horns.
All right.
We are going to have some fun
when they leave.
- Get away from Gary!
- Hands off the merchandise!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, guys, it's okay.
I don't need you
to break things up.
I texted you just so you could
watch our kids
so we can have some
alone time.
- Alone time?
- Yes.
- But I thought--
both: Oh.
Okay, yeah, we'll--
uh, whatever you two need.
We're--
we're here for you.
Oh, hey.
Thanks, guys.
Yeah, thanks.
I guess it's not so awful
having you guys
so involved in our lives.
Come on, kids.
Time for a sleepover.
Are we going to play
poker again?
Make it real money
or don't waste my time.
Okay, uh,
I can't look, uh--
What's it say?
Negative.
Oh, thank God.
I-I thought we wanted this.
Oh, yeah.
No.
I was possessed by hormones.
They were telling me to do
crazy things last week.
You promised me
you weren't crazy Marny.
I didn't promise you.
Crazy Marny promised you.
She must be learning
to impersonate regular Marny.
She's mutating.
So, uh,
you're okay with this?
Oh, yeah, honey.
The twins are too young for us
to have another kid right now.
[Exhales]
Well, you let me know
when the time is right, okay?
Mm-hmm.
But how will I know
the difference
between crazy Marny
and regular Marny?
I don't know.
[Laughing]
Wouldn't want to be you.
Mwah!
01x03 - Marny Wants a Girl
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Series chronicles the lives of three friends, and their respective partners, as they raise their children in a modern environment.
Series chronicles the lives of three friends, and their respective partners, as they raise their children in a modern environment.