[Rob kissing and moaning]
Oh, yeah. I love it.
[Patricia] Well, I guess I can't avoid this any longer.
[Rob mumbling]
Oh, yeah. No, keep going.
[kisses and moans]
-[Patricia] Wait. [sighs]
-What, what, what? Honey?
What? What... what's the matter?
Did you take a shower?
Yeah.
That "yeah" didn't sound very convincing.
Well, I had to think about it.
You shouldn't have to think about it. Either you showered or you didn't.
Well, I thought about it.
And, uh, yeah, I showered.
How long ago?
-It wasn't that long ago.
-Maybe for you.
But for what I'm about to do, I need more accurate information.
[sighs] Trust me, I'm clean.
How clean?
I'm pretty clean.
On a scale of one to ten, how clean are you?
I'm a seven.
Seven? [scoffs]
-It's better than a six.
-[sighs]
Okay, I'll take a seven.
If that's the best you can do.
[mouthing] I'm a five.
-[Patricia] Just don't take your time.
-No, never.
I'll make it quick for you, baby. Because I love you.
-[Patricia] And no talking?
-Yes, I'll shut up.
[theme music playing]
Careful.
[grunting]
-Easy, easy. All right.
-[Jamie] Okay, slow down.
-Whoa. [sighs]
-Okay.
-Okay, we're almost at the steps.
-Oh, God.
[both breathing heavily]
-Going up. We're going up.
-Wait, I got the hard part.
-What? What hard part?
-Should we switch? [grunts]
-Switch what?
-I got the bottom.
Everybody knows the hard part is the top.
-Guiding is the most difficult part.
-[back cracking]
-I just felt something pop in my back.
-That could be from being a huge p*ssy.
[grunts] I can't do this anymore.
Rob, you should have hired movers.
Yeah, we could have hired movers.
Instead, we took the money to continue paying you.
-Now, stop complaining!
-[groans] I have a bad back.
That's why I brought my back belt.
The one that you took and now you're wearing. [grunts]
There's no sense in both of us having a bad back, now, is there?
-I don't think you get it.
-[grunting]
I'm trying to keep you employed. All right?
Who else is going to hire you with that bad back of yours?
Put that on your job application, huh?
"Forty
-year
-old assistant with spinal cord damage seeks employment.
Call
-
-UNGRATEFUL
-sh*t
-PILE."
That's not very nice.
-And it's too many numbers.
-What?
-[Jamie straining]
-[cell phone ringing]
Oh. Hang on.
[Jamie sighs and grunts]
-Hello.
-Hey, baby.
-Hi, baby. How's it going?
-Maybe you should call her back?
How's the moving going?
Great. We're just moving the last piece of furniture now.
Okay, tell her "bye."
Are you helping at all, or are you just making Jamie do all the work?
Yeah, I am helping.
And you're right, honey.
We save at least five grand moving the furniture ourself.
-[grunts] I need your help.
-Shh. I'm on the phone.
Hey, this new house is gonna be perfect.
It's a little old, but it's gonna be okay.
I don't mind old. You know that.
It's not exactly a movie star house, but it's fine.
And we don't have to worry about friends coming to visit us,
'cause nobody wants to drive this far from LA.
We'll make the best of it. Thank you.
I can't hold it!
I'm gonna be here longer than I thought. So would you mind picking up Miranda?
-Where are you again?
-I'm filming the commercial.
The what?
The commercial I got so we can continue eating and sleeping indoors.
Yeah, I remember now. It's like an Internet commercial.
-It's not like a real commercial.
-Help!
-Can you come and get Miranda?
-Sure.
I picked up a gig to make some money, too.
It's gonna go straight to DVD.
-I like it this way.
-But, still, it's a movie. Yeah.
-It's called Starfish Wars.
-[Jamie] Are you leaning on it?
I play the bad guy, a sea slug. It's cool.
That's wonderful, honey, but I gotta get back to work.
Hello?
Baby?
-Hello?
-[screaming]
[groaning]
Jamie?
-Jamie!
-[Jamie] Call .
Okay. Don't move!
-[wood creaks]
-[Jamie screams]
Sorry.
I'll be right back!
This is money well spent. You are going to love this.
Wait until you see what I've got in store for you.
Roll sound.
-Slate.
-Marker.
[Jerry] Let's try one. Everybody settle.
Okay, very quiet now.
And...
action!
Everyone has their own style,
and you can bring yours to life at Living Spaces.
From our Special Order program
to the one
-of
-a
-kind pieces in our handmade Elements collection,
the possibilities and inspirations are endless.
Who the hell is walking back there?
Who is that?
Let's cut.
Hi. I'm sorry. I didn't know which way to come in.
-And I didn't mean to
-
-
-Rob Schneider.
Yeah. Hi.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I just came to pick up my daughter, Miranda.
Oh, I didn't know you were married to Patricia.
Really?
I was thinking that had a little something to do with how she got the job. You know?
No biggie. I mean...
Excuse me. We're on kind of a tight schedule.
Don't let me get in the way. I get it. All the time. I...
[Jerry] Okay, everybody, let's do this again.
Patricia, remember to cheat out to camera.
Okay.
Roll sound.
Okay.
[shoes squeaking loudly]
And...
Camera's set.
-What kind of camera are you using?
-It's a Red Dragon.
Ah, it's the perfect camera for the kinda stuff you're doing.
You know, super low
-budget.
They're not the most expensive cameras, but they do the job.
Yeah. Plus, why would you want to piss money away on expensive cameras?
-You're just doing a commercial.
-Okay, guys,
we need to get this sh*t before lunch.
Roll sound. Again.
-You sh**ting K or K?
-K!
Yeah, K, that's the way to go,
-'cause K's got so many terabyte
-
-
-Would you stop?
Jerry, can I speak to my husband for one minute?
Yes, of course, Patricia. Take all the time you need.
Thank you.
Get over here.
[Jerry] He has no business being here.
Ow!
Can you please leave these people alone? They're trying to do their job.
It's my job.
Okay, look, everybody knows who I am.
It's okay. I'm, like, the most experienced person here on the set.
I know, but can you just lay back? Just for this once. Okay?
Yeah, no problem.
This is a very good company. This is important for me, okay? For me.
Yes, okay.
Look, I'm just gonna stay for one minute. I'll take Miranda. I'll take her home.
Mmm
-hmm.
-Thank you.
-[Jerry] You're more than welcome.
Roll sound. Again.
Paty. This time, lots of energy.
-More energy, okay, dear?
-Yes.
Good. Roll sound.
And... action!
Everyone has their own style,
and you can bring yours to life at Living Spaces.
From our Special Order program
-to the one
-of
-a
-kind pieces...
-Hey, Jerry!
...in our handmade Elements collection...
-Yo, Jerry!
-Quiet!
Are you gonna keep the camera there?
What? Cut!
You ruined a perfect take.
[stutters] I'm just saying, you already got that sh*t.
You should punch in or
-
-
Would you let me direct the g*dd*mn commercial, you moron?
Yeah, I'm just...
I'm just saying, you already have the sh*t.
-I was just
-
- I mean
-
-
-Thank you. Thank you.
-You could
-
-
-Thank you.
-Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Please.
-All right. No more.
-Please. Please.
-I just
-
-
-Enough!
Okay.
Let's try one more.
And... action.
From the beginning, right?
From our Special Order program to the one
-of
-a
-kind pieces
in our handmade Elements collection,
the possibilities and inspirations are endless.
Cut!
-I'll k*ll ya, you moron!
-Ahh!
This is a really nice store.
I particularly like the outdoor furniture, patio stuff. Beautiful.
[Rob in nasal voice] Get away from me, snail!
[in deep voice] Move it along, pal!
[in nasal voice] Move it along? I'm already at hyper
-speed.
[coughs and clears throat]
Um...
Uh, I think I can do better.
[Mitch sighs]
I need to... I need to make an adjustment.
-Just one adjustment, okay?
-Yeah.
I need to make an adjustment on the script.
-Piece of sh*t here.
-Shh. Please.
-Just, quiet for a second.
-Yeah.
It's gonna be way funnier once you animate it, right?
This is the finished project. I mean, this is it.
-This is it. This is it, all right?
-This is it?
Yes! This is it!
You're not gonna animate it?
[stammers] No, this is what it is. Right here.
You're gonna be the voice of the star.
You are the star. You're the star.
You're the starfish. You are the voice of the star.
Sinbad's the kelp. We have that locked in.
Paul Reiser is... Paul Reiser's doing one of the rocks, okay? This is it.
We're on a very tight schedule. You know that.
-You knew that coming in.
-This is it?
Yeah, this is it! Yes!
The movie is just photographing a fish t*nk?
You're... No, it's not photographs!
You're not flipping a paper, like, the old
-fashioned way.
-Who's gonna wanna pay to see this?
-The kids want to see this.
-The kids. Oh!
-The blind kids. It's not even
-
-
My mother was blind, you f*cking prick.
Then she's the perfect audience for this thing.
No one else would ever pay or give a sh*t about
-
-
You should stop before you keep going,
-all right?
-This is ridiculous.
-I can't believe this.
-Oh, this is ridiculous?
Listen, be a pro. You committed to this, right?
I didn't know it was a piece of sh*t when I started.
Just stop being who you are, commit to the character
-
-
-[stammers] The budget is this big!
-Just fix the mic! Fix the mic!
If I could shove you in this t*nk, I would, with your f*cking...
Just fix the mic. Just fix the f*cking mic.
Fix it. Fix it. Yeah, that's good. Fix it.
That's good. Okay, you got it. You got it.
Yeah, I got... Oh! Okay. Oh! That's good! Let's do that!
If you... Clean this sh*t up, all right?
-I got... Just give me one more.
-Got what?
-One more what?
-I got an idea. One more take.
-All right, one more take.
-One more.
-[blows]
-Yeah, good one.
Great. Let's do it. Let's do that.
-All right, we're ready now.
-I got a good one.
Just commit. Commit!
Don't f*ck around.
Okay, you got the headphones on?
Wait, wait. Now I have them on. I'm ready. Go.
f*ck you! I quit!
All right. I didn't hear what you said.
Let's do it again.
[whispers] f*ck you. I quit.
That I heard! That I f*cking heard!
[horns honking]
Jamie?
-You still laying there?
-[Jamie] Where have you been?
Dude, I got stuff to take care of.
Come on. [grunting]
-Man.
-Yeah, I think I really messed up my back.
No, this floor is completely f*cked up.
We're just renting this place, you moron. Come on.
-[straining] All right.
-[Jamie groans]
[Rob] Hang on. Hang on.
No, no, no. I don't think so.
-Oh, no, no, no. [groans]
-Come on. Come on.
-Almost there.
-I don't think you should be moving me.
What am I supposed to do, leave you there? Come on.
-We need to call an ambulance. Oh, God.
-Here you go.
-In. You're almost in.
-I need a stretcher.
You fell down the stairs and got hit by an armoire.
-Let's go. Legs, legs, legs. Okay.
-Okay.
[groans]
Okay, all right.
-How do you start this piece of sh*t?
-Keys are right there.
Take me to the hospital.
Jamie, Western medicine doesn't know how to heal anything.
-They just treat symptoms and drug you up.
-That sounds great.
Eastern medicine, on the other hand, treats pain with pain.
And then the pain goes away.
They've been doing it for , years. I think they know what they're doing.
Fine, but please drive carefully.
I might have to drive fast.
You could be bleeding internally.
[engine starts]
And I want to make sure and b*at traffic.
[groans]
[bell ringing]
This is my buddy Dr. Shen's place. He's a good pal of mine.
Real good buddy. He'll see you.
Uh, we don't have an appointment, but is Dr. Shen in?
Dr. Shen my dad. He die ten year ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I heard he had bone cancer. I just assumed he got better.
Well, he didn't.
Mmm
-hmm. [clicks tongue] Well...
What the hell did you do to this place? Dr. Shen would have hated it.
I now own with my husband.
We've got foot massage. You get foot massage for $.
Or you can give massage for $, you know.
And then, you got, you know, we have reflexology in the back.
And then, of course, the dim sum with reflexology.
We got the acupuncture with the dim sum, you know?
And we got, uh... um...
Salem Lights with the dim sum.
I don't think this place is very sanitary.
What? It's fine.
They know what they're doing.
You know, they could do acupuncture and eat dim sum and...
play with people's feet.
They're Chinese. This is their f*cking area.
[chuckles]
When he's done with his dim sum, can you squeeze my buddy in?
-You know, I suddenly feel better.
-You're f*cked up.
No, I think just walking in here healed it.
-This place
-
-
-You're f*cked up.
-He's f*cked up. Don't listen to him.
-I've never felt better.
-You're f*cked up. Just stay here.
-[groaning]
Listen. Just let him in. Can you just look up some Chinese numbers?
Maybe I take him nine o' clock tomorrow morning.
Ah, nine o' clock. Uh, I'll be sleeping.
Hmm?
You know what? I just remembered, I got an old acupuncture kit from Shen.
It's at the house. We just gotta find it.
Tell you what, you go sit in the car for two hours.
What?
Yeah. I'm gonna get a foot massage.
Okay.
Yeah, hi.
[grunts]
A
-ha! [chuckles]
I knew I had my old acupuncture kit somewhere.
[chuckles]
-Where'd you find it?
-It was in the box with the old dog toys.
Uh, Rob, this... Oh, sh*t.
This seems dangerous.
Can you even read Chinese?
Don't worry. Healing is a universal language.
Lie down.
-[groans] Are...
-Come on. Come on.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I've had this done, like, a hundred times.
I'm practically an expert. I'm more than qualified.
Don't people have licenses to prove they're qualified?
Come on, buddy. Where is the trust?
No way.
-[grunts] No.
-What?
I wanna go to the emergency room right now. Please.
We could always do that.
But that would cost at least $,,
of which you don't have and I'm not gonna lend you.
Plus, you don't have insurance.
What? You give me insurance.
Things have changed, Jamie. Patricia and I are trying to cut back.
We can't just be wasting money on things we don't need,
like your health insurance.
-Now, come on, lie down. Here we go.
-[grunts] Guess I have no choice.
Oh! Oh, ouch!
It hurts when you do that, what you're doing.
Whatever you're doing, it's hurting it worse.
Is this part of it? 'Cause I hate it. [groans]
f*ck. Is that it?
Let me just find the place.
Ahh! No... Ahh!
sh*t.
-Flew away.
-[groans]
[Rob] Come on. Can't tighten up, so it doesn't go in your skin.
-There.
-[screams] sh*t.
-[Rob] Let me...
-Ah!
You bent it. You bent it.
[Jamie] Oh, it's bent?
-No! Ahh!
-Come on. Hey, hey, hey.
I got neighbors. I got neighbors.
-[screams]
-Come on. You're good. You're good.
Oh, it's making it worse. I don't know. Are you sure...
Give it a minute. Does it feel any better?
It's like the first pain is still there, but now with an added pain.
What is... Ow! [crying]
It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm getting one area, right there.
[Jamie exclaiming]
[Rob] Right there.
That one hurt so much. Did you put two in the same hole?
[yells and groans]
God! Rob?
-Yeah?
-I need to see a real doctor.
[sighs] Okay, I'll give you something to help you relax.
This is valerian root. Helps you relax.
Dr. Shen gave this to me.
-Didn't he die ten years ago?
-It's valerian root.
This stuff doesn't go bad.
What's important is the amount.
Do not exceed more than four drops in hours.
Okay, good. Four drops.
-[sighs]
-Here we go. It's all good.
-All right, drink up. Drink it.
-Okay. Fine.
Let's go. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
-Good job. There we go. Lay down.
-[coughing]
-It's good stuff, isn't it?
-That's awful.
Lay down. Lay down. Easy. Okay.
[Jamie] Oh, my God.
-Here we go.
-[groans]
And... [grunts]
-There we go.
-[groans]
Maybe not.
[Jamie] Oh, God.
Ow! Did you just put one in my skull?
Sorry, pal. It's all good.
[sighs] Okay.
[sighs]
[humming]
Feeling better, right?
Rob, I think it's working. I guess you do know what you're doing.
Of course it feels better. I know what I'm doing. Of course I do.
[sighs]
And the last one.
Okay, these have to stay in, like, , minutes.
And I'll see ya, okay?
You're doing great.
Good job.
-[g*ns f*ring]
-[people screaming]
[speaking Spanish]
f*ck.
This show is amazing.
[people screaming]
Just one more episode.
I gotta find out what happens.
-[g*ns f*ring]
-[people screaming]
What the heck is going on right now?
-Is he dead?
-I don't know.
Jamie?
[groans]
Oh, he's not.
Okay, let's go talk to your daddy.
-Come on.
-I'll go talk to him. I could...
[g*ns f*ring]
How long have you been watching TV?
Oh, well, uh, when I started...
um, Pablo Escobar was smuggling televisions.
And now he was k*lled on his rooftop.
That's the entire season!
Well, yeah, that's the thing.
These shows hook you. They hook you in.
And then they keep starting the episodes automatically.
These Netflix engineers are a bunch of sneaky m*therf*ckers.
Sorry.
Why is Jamie in the garage without a shirt?
Um, well, because he was moving. And we were moving.
And he was tired. And I said, "Why don't you take your shirt off?"
And he already had his shirt off.
And I was thinking about taking my shirt off, but I didn't.
But he did.
That doesn't make sense.
[Jamie] Rob?
What is going on?
Um...
I don't know.
I'm gonna go find out, though. Right now. Be right back.
Miranda, can you sit over here, honey?
-For me? Thank you.
-Mmm
-hmm.
Wait for me, okay?
Be right back.
[g*n fires on TV]
Hey.
Hey, Rob.
Is he okay?
He's fine. He just, um... fell down a flight of stairs.
Why didn't you take him to the doctor?
He didn't wanna go. It was just one flight of stairs.
-[groans]
-[exclaims]
Actually, my back feels a lot better.
Well, I guess you know what you're doing.
But I can't feel my legs!
Oh, my God! What did you do to me?
You'll get the feeling back. That's part of the healing process.
-Take 'em out, man.
-Take them out.
-What am I gonna do?
-I'll take them out.
[yells] Oh, God!
Oh, sh*t. That one broke.
[Jamie] Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
-[Rob] This is all good. It's all good.
-Oh, f*cking god damn it!
I got my first acting check today.
That's great! I got my check coming in, too, for that animated movie I did.
Starfish Wars.
It's gonna be like five grand. That money's gonna come in handy.
Wow, that's great.
[inhales] Let's see how much.
You could take your check, take half of it,
-and buy me an Americano at Starbucks.
-[scoffs]
Well?
Do you think , is enough for an Americano?
,? Is that pesos?
No, dollars.
What the...
You should tell them if they put an extra zero on there by mistake,
'cause they're gonna come after you for that.
Nah, I think it's right.
Hmm. Well, good for you, honey. I'm proud of you.
I'm gonna buy you , Americanos if you clean the garage by yourself,
because Jamie is injured.
I love you.
I love you.
f*ck.
Paty wants you to clean this sh*t up.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Looks terrible.
-Yeah, it's a mess out here.
-All right, let's clean this up.
Okay?
[yells and groans]
Oh, God. Oh, God. Ah! Oh, God.
[screaming]
Okay, what's the quickest way to get to Chinatown?
f*ck Chinatown! This is me we're talking about.
Take me to Cedars
-Sinai emergency room.
Drive careful, you moron.
Don't think I forgot about you not taking Jamie to the doctor.
I couldn't.
I canceled his health insurance.
Why would you do that?
-We're trying to save money
-
-
-Jamie's insurance is important.
We're gonna use some of my commercial money to get him back on it. Tomorrow.
This way he can go get his back fixed from whatever damage you did to him.
Look, I'm glad you're making money.
You know, a lot of husbands would have a problem
with their wife making more money than them.
-Not me.
-Good.
I'm fine with it.
I'm like Brad Pitt.
[sighs]
He didn't care that Angelina Jolie was making shitloads more money than him.
Even if it's temporary, you know, which... most probably it will be.
What?
Let's face it. I mean...
women in show business, I mean, by the time you're , I mean...
[whistles] it's over.
"Hope you had fun. Hope you saved your money.
Back on the bus. Go back to Ohio."
Or in your case, "Go back to Tijuana."
Look, I'm just... I support you completely.
That's what I was saying.
Thank you. Now can you support me by letting me read my book?
Sure. By all means. Please.
Go ahead. Don't let me stop ya.
By the way...
if you're curious, I'm a nine.
I don't know what that means.
I'm a nine.
I'm just saying, I'm a lot cleaner than usual.
Mmm.
I stole a bunch of antiseptic gel and antibacterial soap at the hospital.
And I used it... everywhere.
Oh.
I might even have one toe approaching the ten mark.
Super
-duper clean.
Couldn't get any cleaner.
-Whoo!
-[chuckles]
I've never been happier for you.
I'm just saying, this is a level of clean that is pretty much unprecedented.
You might wanna think about taking advantage of it while you can.
[inhales] I'm gonna have to pass.
Gonna get some sleep.
-You're wasting a nine.
-Mmm. Mmm
-hmm.
[Rob farts]
Now, I'm a five.
Ugh! That's disgusting!
Ugh.
[Rob farts loudly]
Now, I'm a three.
Seriously?
Ugh. [mutters]
[Rob farts violently]
Now, I gotta go take a shower.
Come on!
[theme music playing]
02x01 - Acupuncture & Spring Rolls
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.