02x04 - Zen What Happens

[bunniefuu]

[Rob] Hey.

You got another check from, uh, Talent Partners.

Ooh. That must be for my other Honda commercial.


-Can you open it?
-Sure.

Let's take a look.


-Holy sh*t! $,?
-[chuckles]

And that's my second check. That commercial is doing really good.


-How much money have you made off these?
-Mmm, around $,.


-That's great, honey.
-Yeah.

I'm really proud of you for wanting to help out,

but I think you might be working too much.

I only worked one day for that commercial. Actually, it was half a day.

Yeah, but that half a day, and now all this mixed martial arts training.

[choking]

I don't want you to look back one day and go,

"Ooh, I missed a lot of sh*t, you know, with my... kid."

Thank you for your concern. I'll think about that.

Well, I love you, baby. I'm here for you.

Jamie, get the f*ck in here!

[growling]

Jamie!

[theme music playing]

[Jamie] What's up?


-Well, are we all, uh, packed?
-Yeah, totally packed.

Your suitcase is over there,

and I paid $ extra to get you Business Select on Southwest Airlines.

So you board first and have priority seating.

Jamie, don't put that disgusting football on the counter, please.


-Sorry.
-It has dog saliva all over it.

[sighs]


-You pack all my vitamins?
-Yeah, I think so. Yeah.


-Really? All of them?
-I'm pretty sure, yep.


-% sure?
-Pretty close to .


-Hmm. Close, huh? Maybe ?


-Ninety
-two?
-Uh...


-Ninety
-three?
-Ninety. Why?

'Cause you're a lying assh*le! That's why!

'Cause you forgot my Calm Magnesium.


-I did?
-Yeah.

It's a good thing I checked.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning,

my sh*t would be like a rock ripping out of my assh*le.


-Is that what you want?
-No, of course not.

No? Hmm.

I would never want anything ripping out of your assh*le.

Good.

Don't put that football on the counter. Come on.

Sorry.

Did you wash your hands?

That was in Camilo's mouth.

And you know what else was in Camilo's mouth this morning?

His balls and his anus.

Why? Because he's a dog. And you know what dogs do?

They lick themselves all day long.

You should take this on your trip. It's hand sanitizer.

No, thank you.

Hand sanitizers contain cancer
-causing agents

like tocopheryl acetate and propylene glycol.

And they k*ll your good bacteria.

I'll take the risk. Just be careful in the hotel.


-Why?
-I just read an article

about how cleaning ladies don't clean the light switches or the door knobs.

So?

So there's fecal matter on there.

Why would you tell me that?

Now I'm gonna be stuck with that information in my head

the entire time I'm in that hotel room.

And how much stuff do you have to be carrying

where you need to open up the door with your assh*le?

I posit that question to you, young man.

I can't think of one instance.

Anyway, I want you to think seriously

about what I said about spending more time with Miranda. Okay?

I will. Thank you.

I love you.

I'll see you in the car, dipshit.

[Patricia] Bye, Jamie.

Bye, Paty.

sh*t. m*therf*ckers!

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?


-Were you sleeping?
-Yeah, I think so.

My flight is delayed an hour.

[grunts] I'm sorry to hear that, man.

I need you to call the club and tell 'em I'm gonna be an hour later.

Rob, I don't think there's anybody at the club.

They're probably sleeping. Like I should be doing.

I'll give you the owner's cell phone number.

Do you have something to write with?

I don't have anything to write... Just share the contact with me.

I am sharing the contact with you, dummy.

The number is
-
-.

Eight hundred and seven... Eight
-O... Three... f*ck.

Hey, Danny.

[chuckles] Nice to see you, Rob.

Nice to see you.

Can you believe this delay? [scoffs]

What a huge waste of our time.

Like the Buddha says, "The trouble is you think you have time."

Time is open to interpretation.

What matters is what you do with it.

What could be a waste of time for some could be an opportunity for others.

Never thought about it that way.

That's weird. But in a good way.

How could you be so relaxed?

[chuckles]

Zen What Happens?

How long have you been doing this Zen sh*t?

[chuckles]

Long enough not to get upset about a little flight delay. [chuckles]

But not long enough to think I've got it all figured out.


-I gotta get that book.
-[chuckles] You should.

And if you're interested,

I'm going to see a Zen Master workshop this weekend.

If, uh...

It's with Zen Master Rishio.

He's the one that wrote this book.

Thank you.


-But I got a show this weekend.
-Mmm
-hmm.

If I don't perform...

Zen I don't get paid.

Zen my family doesn't continue eating and sleeping indoors.

Zen I get divorced again.

Zen that would suck my assh*le.

I'm going to, uh, make a call. Excuse me. One second.

[cell phone ringing]

Yeah?

Hey, what's the closest bathroom to Southwest Gate A?


-I don't know.
-Look it up on the Internet.


-Forget it. I found one.
-Oh, you found one? Good.

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

Look, I need you to do something else for me.

Right now?

Yes. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Okay. Go ahead.

I need you to order the book Zen What Happens? from Amazon.

Can't I just do it in the morning?

I don't even know if Amazon is open right now.

[breathes heavily and grunts]

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, come on.

[cell phone chiming]

[mutters] assh*le.

We will now be boarding Flight to Las Vegas.

We apologize again for the weather delay.

We will begin general boarding with Business Select priority boarding.

Those with tickets marked A through A.

One, two, three, four...

Hmm, somebody here is a liar.


-What?
-Um, I'm just curious, uh...

Can I see what, uh, number ticket you have there?

What's it matter? We're all going to the same place.

Yeah, I know. I just want to make sure that I'm in the right place. You know?

It's not a competition.


-Yeah.
-[sighs]

It's just, um...

I'm A.

I paid an extra bucks to be Business Select.

I don't really care. It's just... I don't want to mess with their system.

Keep it all... Trying to... Can I just see what, um...

Before we start the priority boarding of our Business Select customers,

we'd like to offer preboarding to any of our customers with qualified disabilities

or to anyone that needs a little extra time going down the jet bridge.

Oh, come on.

What is this sh*t?

[laughing]

"I paid $." [laughing]

You son of a bitch! You're not even A or B!

This is some bullshit here!

I'm A! What? I paid bucks for this sh*t?

All these people, and I have to sit next to the f*ckin' toilet, next to a fat guy!


-Security! Security!
-This is bullshit! I'm sick of this sh*t!

I paid and I got... Who do I gotta see about this?

I'm f*cking angry!

[yawns]

So, have you ever been deplaned before?

I wasn't deplaned.

I didn't even get on the plane.


-I was de
-airported.
-[sighs]

I don't think I can drive all the way to Vegas.

I've only slept for, like, minutes.

Dude, I would drive, but I have to go over my jokes.

That's what I'm doing, going over my jokes.

'Cause I have to perform tonight, unlike you.

If you drive faster, it'll help keep you awake.

I'm already ten miles over the speed limit.

You're such a p*ssy.

It's really windy. This car only weighs pounds.

Dude, what the f*ck are you doing? Rob, dude, what the f*ck? [yelling]

Rob, come on, man! What are you doing?


-I'm getting us there. Steer!
-Rob, get your leg on your side.


-Keep your hand
-
-
-That's my pedal!


-Keep your hand on the wheel!
-That's for me. That's for the driver!

sh*t! [yells]


-Just steer.
-Take your foot off!


-Rob, come on, man!
-All right. Keep it at .

Oh, thank God.

Are you insane? f*ck, man! Holy sh*t.

Dude, I will pay the ticket if you get a ticket.

If we didn't turn over back there, we're never gonna turn over.


-All right?
-Oh, f*ck!

[sighs]

[yawns]

[sighs]

Rob, I am so tired.

Every time I blink, I feel like I might just keep my eyes closed and fall asleep.

Don't worry, pal. Look, I'll stay up and keep you company, okay?

Yeah?

Okay.

[snoring]

Rob! Come on, Rob. Rob. Hey, man. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey, hey. I need you to drive.

This is dangerous.

Unless we were horseback riding, I think I was just having a dream.

Okay, buddy. You can rest for a while. I'll take over.


-Oh, thank God.
-Okay?

Pull over up here. I got this.

Oh, good. I'm dying, man.


-Oh, thank you. All right? Rob?
-[snoring]

[grunts] Huh?


-[music blaring]
-[Rob humming]

[horn honking]

Hell, yeah! [humming]

[horn honking]

Ah
-whoo
-hoo!

Ah
-whoo
-hoo! [horn honking]

f*ck, yeah!


-Rob!
-What?

What the f*ck? The music is so loud. Can you turn it down?

Dude, you wanted me to drive. That's what I'm doing. I'm driving. Okay?

'Cause you didn't wanna drive anymore, so I am.

I need to stay awake too, man, so I'm listening to this sh*t.

Do you have to put the speaker right next to my ear?

Well, if you didn't have such a shitty sound system,

I wouldn't need the speaker.

Sorry I didn't bring my cassettes.


-f*ck, yeah!
-[horn honking]

Here, hold this.

Whoo
-hoo!

[truck horn blaring]

[laughing nervously] We almost d*ed.

We're good, though. We're good.

Pretty good.


-Hello.
-How're you doing?

I'm exhausted. Jamie made me drive all the way here.

Oh, that's terrible, honey.

But I've been thinking about what you said about spending more time with Miranda.

I may have a solution.

Oh, great.

I'm gonna buy all the equipment I need to work out at home.

That way, I don't have to drive all the way to the gym.

That's a fantastic idea.

It's a little expensive, but we can afford it.

Of course, we can afford it.

What we can't afford is you not spending time with Miranda.

Thanks for reminding me what's really important.

Get some rest.


-I'm heading to my audition.
-Okay.

And remember what I said about the hotel room.

Watch out for the fecal matter.

Okay, bye.

[Rob] Channel up.

Channel up.

Channel up!

Volume up.

Volume up.

TV off!


-You know what, Jamie?
-Hmm?

I am going to go to that Zen Buddhist seminar after all.

I mean, it did help Eugenio's career.


-And Tom Cruise.
-I thought Tom Cruise was a Scientologist.

It's pretty much the same thing.


-Did you wipe down the toilets?
-Already did it.

Good.

Will you hand me one of those, uh, wasabi seaweed snacks?


-It's in the Erewhon bag over there.
-Yeah.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Mmm.

Spicy.

[sneezes]

[sniffles and sneezes]

[coughs]

The... The... [sighs]

Ooh!

[Jamie stammers] Oh. Um...

[sighs]


-Hmm?
-Uh, I'm gonna go get some rest.

You do it.

Thank you.

Hi, honey. State your name.

Patricia Maya Schneider.


-And do you have a head sh*t, honey?
-Yes.

Okay.

Oh, that doesn't look like you at all, but... [chuckles]

Okay, and ready?

Nino, come. Assume the position, please.


-Yeah.
-Okay. You ready?


-Yeah.
-And action!

I have good news and bad news.

[Cindy] Tell me!

The good news is your husband is not gonna die.

Oh, thank goodness!

Yes.

The bad news...

is that he's a liar!

He's been faking this coma the entire time.

I don't believe it! Oh!

Oh! Ah! Ooh! I...

He's been taking advantage of your pain!

Oh. Oh, okay.

Ow! Oh! [chuckles nervously]

[Nino] Oh, God! Lady, stop!

Now you see? Now you believe me?

I can do it differently if you want me to.

God, it's just an audition, lady.

[Cindy] Oh, no, I think we've got it.

He's fine. He's fine.

Hey! We only have eight more of these before lunch.

Okay, Margaret, bring in the next one.

No! No, Margaret!

[sighs]

What the f*ck?

[sighs heavily]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[Rob screaming]

Right. Thank you.

Here you go, uh, Master.

Okay. Hope you like this place.

Can you push his chair in a little bit, Jamie?


-Jesus.
-Sorry.

Okay.


-Thank you.
-Have a seat. Respect.

Uh, Master Rishio, it's such an honor to be able to have lunch with you.

I think your book is great.

I haven't read it yet, but I hear it's great.

Zen sh*t Happens.

Zen What Happens?

That one, too. Also another great one. Great idea. Awesome.

So, Zen Master, if I may...

what would you say is life's most important question?

Ah.

The most important question we must ask ourselves is,

"What do you want?"

I know what I want.

The waiter. I gotta eat something.

Excuse me!

Master Rishio.

Yes, my son?

What if you don't know what you want?

Well, sometimes in life, in order to find out what you want,

you must first find out what you do not want.

I know what I do not want.

I do not want to pass out from hunger. I'm f*cking starving. [chuckles]

Waiter! Waiter, a little help, please!

Tomorrow, you both shall attend my seminar.

We will fast all day, and then meditate for several hours.

That sounds awesome.

Except for the fasting all day and meditating part.

Anyway, I hope you like this restaurant. It's, uh, my favorite in Vegas.

A churrascaria. It's a Brazilian steakhouse.

I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, that's got to suck. I'm so sorry.


-Filet mignon?
-Hell, yeah.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Brigado.

How could you not want to eat something this delicious?

We believe that all creatures have a soul.


-[Rob] Mmm
-hmm. Mmm
-hmm.
-When you eat meat,

you are directly responsible for k*lling one of Buddha's children.


-Mmm.
-[waiter] Top sirloin?

Give me that sh*t.

Cut that. Yeah! Ooh, medium
-rare. I love it.

Thanks, pal.

No, thanks.

I'm pretty sure this cow was an assh*le.

All the other cows couldn't wait to get rid of this guy.

Like, "Oh, I hope something bad happens to him."

And, uh, sure enough, his karma caught up with him.

And, uh, that's how he ended up on my plate.

Does this... Does this bother you?

One who eats meat can have a pure heart.

Just as one who does not eat meat can have an impure heart.

Oh, good, 'cause I was starting to feel guilty there for a second.


-[waiter] Beef ribs?
-Where have you been all my life?

Mmm, hmm, hmm. [chuckles]


-[Jamie] Master Rishio?
-Yes, son?


-You want some veggies or something?
-[Rob] Yeah. Hey.

Take Master Rishio over to the salad bar.

There's a ton of vegetables over there. You'll love it.

Get the sausage guy over here.

[Jamie] Would you like to go check out the salad bar?

I feel a little bit light
-headed.

Is that similar to enlightenment?


-Master Rishio?
-Yes, my son?

Where would I have to go to get enlightenment?

The key is that you do not have to go anywhere

or do anything to find enlightenment, because you are already there.

And you already have it.

Of course, unless you think you do not have it.

Hmm. Well, there you go.

We already have it.

We don't have to starve ourselves all day tomorrow,

meditate for hours, bore ourselves to death.

We can sleep in.

[waiter] Hey, what about some cow heart?

Cow heart!

I can't say no to cow heart. Give me that.

Come on. That ventricle right there. That one. That aorta. Yeah. That one.

Beautiful. Loving it.


-[retches violently]
-[Rob] Oh, God.

[gags and gasps]

Can I get this to go, please?


-My mom's Filipino.
-[audience laughing]

Yeah. Filipinos are tough.

[woman] Oh, yeah!

The only thing I remember from my childhood

is my mom yelling at me.

[imitating mother] "See what happens?

You fell down. See what happens?

No running in the house. See what happens?

You broke that. See what happens? You're crying. See what happens?

No roughhousing in the house. See what happens? See what happens?"

Once, I was playing basketball about three miles away from the house.

Somebody twisted an ankle. All of a sudden...

[imitating mother] "See what happens?"

[imitates friend] "Dude, that's your mom up there on the mountain."

[imitates mother] "See what happens?"

[audience laughing]

Hey, baby.

I hope you don't mind. I invited some people over to watch the fight.

We're about two hours away, so maybe I'll catch a little bit of it.

Oh, that'll be great. [chuckles]

Okay. See you soon. Love you.

Love you too. Bye.

Oh, hi.

You know...

I feel more enlightened after that dinner with Master, uh... What's
-his
-face?


-Rishio.
-Rishio. Yeah.


-Dinner was good.
-Mmm
-hmm.

But, Rob, I wish you'd come to the seminar with me.

I feel like I really got it.

Yeah, well, Master Rishio said I already got it.

I know it's not a competition or anything, but, uh...

I am definitely on a higher spiritual plane than you.

You know how I know?

Because I'm not bragging about mine.

I don't mean to brag.

I just want to share it with somebody.

I feel different.

Like, I am all I need to be right now.

I don't need anything else.

It's hard to explain.

What do you mean you don't need anything else?

Like, I don't need stuff.

I don't feel the same attachment to stuff like I used to.


-Some stuff or any stuff?
-Any stuff. I don't need it.


-Hmm.
-Feels good.

This your sandwich?

Yeah. I've been fasting all day.


-I can't wait to tear into that thing.
-[chuckles] Yeah.

Dude, what the f*ck? That was my lunch!

Yeah, it's just stuff, right? You don't need stuff.


-"I don't need stuff. I'm over stuff."
-That's not what I meant.

Hmm.


-What's this?
-That's my Americano.

[humming]

Dude, what the f*ck? That was a $ Americano!

Yeah. But what is it really?


-That's not what he means. Master Rishio
-
-
-No, it's not.


-Yeah, Master f*ckin' Rishio.
-He means, in a
-
-

Is this a Samsung? Or is this, like, an iPhone?

Dude, that's my iPhone. Don't even f*ckin' think about it.


-iPhone! Bye, phone!
-Dude, that's my
-
-

Did you just throw it out the window? God damn it! All my contacts are in there.

It's your Bye Phone now. Bye Phone, you don't need anything.


-That was a $ phone!
-Not anymore.


-Now it's less. A lot less than that.
-sh*t!

What's this one? Ooh, keys! Ooh, keys!


-Rob... don't.
-There you go, keys. Bye, keys.

[chuckling]

Those were your house keys.

[sighs]

[house music playing faintly]


-[bouncer] Can I help you?
-Um...

I live here. This is my house.


-It's a private party. You on the list?
-[stammers] I'm not... What?

What's your name?

Schneider. Rob Schneider.

I have a Kevin Schneider.

You have a what?


-Thank you. Good night.
-Bye.


-What the hell is going on here?
-Hundred bucks, I'll let you in.

[exclaims]


-Hundred bucks to get in my own house?
-Yeah.


-Let me open the door for you.
-Thank you.


-Enjoy the party.
-Yeah, in my own house. Thank you.


-She was almost k*lling her.
-I know.


-They're good.
-It was so good.


-Oh, bye. Thank you for coming.
-Bye.


-Who the hell are all these people?
-Oh, they came to see the fight.


-Oh.
-Sorry you missed it.


-It was really good. Huh?
-So good. Yeah.


-Did you record it?
-No. It was here.

What do you mean "here"?


-Here, in the house. In
-
-
-Here?

You're gonna be able to watch it, like, in minutes on YouTube.

We were streaming live in Brazil... [scatting]

Argentina, Mexico, Colombia...


-[Vanessa] Cuba.
-Peru.


-Oh.
-Ooh, fun. Oh, f*ck!

Great turnout, huh? Amazing. [chuckles]

This young lady right here is Ruth from Australia.


-Thanks. Yeah.
-[Rob] Oh.


-Yeah.
-[bouncer] Coming through.

Oh...

All right. And...

She lost, uh, but she's gonna be fine.

Right?

Okay.

She looks dead.

No, she's fine. Thank you for coming.

You were awesome.

[Vanessa] Can you believe, like, the blonde one...


-I know. She was not gonna make it.
-Yeah, I know.


-I need to talk to you.
-[indistinct chatter]

One minute.


-[indistinct chatter]
-I need to talk to you now! Now.


-Where did you get all this cash?
-From the door and the bets.

Bets?

How did our house turn into a human cockfighting ring

in the hours I was gone?

Well, you told me that I should spend more time with Miranda.

So I bought all the equipment that I use at the gym.

And that was including the cage.

Well, this bar canceled a fight, and I said, "Hey, guys, I have a cage."

So one thing led to the other, and that's what happened.

This is illegal. We could go to jail.

I don't wanna get deported. Who's going to watch after Miranda?

She will be all by herself. No role model in her life.

[sighs]

[stammers] This time you've gone too far.

So what should we do with all this cash?


-Well, how much is it?
-I don't know. Like, $,.


-Okay.
-[sighs]

We're going to do five more of these, and then that's it.

Seven, at the most.

Count it again.

One more time.

[rock song playing]