[Patricia] Are you sure you really want to go on vacation?
We, as a family, need a vacation.
More importantly, I need it.
It's a great opportunity to get some rest.
If you want to sleep all day, you can just do it at home,
like you normally do.
You and Miranda deserve a break.
Maybe you're right. Where should we go?
Any place you want, baby. My girls deserve the best.
-How about Hawaii?
-Absolutely not.
Those islands are basically a testing ground
for experimental pesticides on unwitting human guinea pigs. [chuckles]
Thanks, but no thanks.
Paradise, one minute, the next, infertility and chromosome damage.
Maybe you should just go by yourself.
Name any other place, I'll make it happen for you.
-Maybe a cruise ship to the Bahamas?
-That's great!
If you're a fan of the Norovirus or gastrointestinal disease.
All those boats serve that farmed shrimp from Thailand and China
that live in its own excrement until they put it on your salad.
That's why it's all
-you
-can
-eat. All
-you
-can
-eat sh*t.
God. How about Puerto Rico?
Mmm, dengue fever.
-Miami?
-West Nile virus.
-Vermont?
-Lyme disease.
Well, I heard Jamaica is beautiful.
AIDS.
Then where do you suggest?
It's completely up to you, baby.
-Just let me know. Tell me.
-[phone ringing]
Oops. Excuse me.
It's my agent.
Jell
-O, what do you got for me?
-Hey. Can I talk to Patricia?
-Why?
You asked me to help with her auditions, and I think I have something.
That was only after you got something for me, you prick.
Look, man, I'm just doing what you told me to.
What is it?
It's a callback for a network soap. Right? [chuckles]
It's pretty good. Is she there?
I need to look at it. Can you fax me the script?
Yeah. No, I could fax it to you, but, Rob, it might take some time.
'Cause I'd have to go back to the 's and buy a fax machine.
[sighs] My agent wishes to speak to you.
Hello? Hey, Andy.
A network callback?
Are the other actors going to be there, or is it just with the casting director?
The other actors are gonna be there, too?
[theme music playing]
-What the hell are you doing?
-Makin' some high
-octane brain fuel.
What is that?
You take coffee, and you mix it with butter and coconut oil.
-You use a whole stick of butter?
-Yeah. That's how you make it.
Why don't you stuff a donut in your mouth and get it over with?
Dude, this butter coffee is actually good for you.
Yeah, that way you'll be wide awake when you have your heart att*ck.
This coffee is bucks!
Yeah, to do it right,
you have to use shade
-grown organic, single
-origin coffee.
So you use a stick of butter a day and half a jar of coconut oil?
Yeah, about that.
No wonder I'm always running out of coconut oil.
-How much is this costing me?
-It's about $, $ a week.
[blender whirring]
Yeah!
Are you ready for this?
I'm your assistant.
This coffee gives my brain the ability to focus intensely
while still feeling completely satisfied.
Satisfied? Hmm...
Yeah.
[Jamie] Whoa!
You're right! That does feel satisfying.
[groaning]
I feel satisfied.
-Is that, um, Patricia's script?
-Yeah. I was printing it out.
Is it any good?
Uh... it's pretty good. Just read a page or two.
Yeah?
-Fuego y Pasión.
-Yeah. It's Italian.
-Read it to me.
-Yeah, okay.
Okay.
-Read it out loud!
-Hmm? Okay. Uh...
"Natalia: 'I never thought I would see you again.'"
"Rico: 'Well, here I am.'"
"Natalia puts a hand on Rico's muscular chest." Wow.
"Natalia: 'But I watched you die.'"
"Rico: 'I needed you to think I was dead for your own protection.'"
[Jamie mutters]
"Rico grabs Natalia by the waist, and forcefully kisses her.
She opens her mouth, as his tongue
-
-"
What the hell?
-So?
-So what?
Do they f*ck?
[Jamie] Ahh!
This is the guy playing Rico.
-Let me see.
-[Patricia] Mmm.
Mmm.
Is that a prosthetic?
You need to know,
a lot of people getting these callbacks has nothing to do with talent.
Most of the time, it's just because you have the right look.
The callback is all about acting.
That's what I do, babe. I act.
-Okay.
-Mmm
-hmm. Okay.
What's the name of the show?
-Fuego y Pasión.
-Mmm. Fuego y Pasión.
-What does that mean?
-Fire and passion.
f*ck that. You're not playing this...
unless the material is good. You have to trust the material.
Okay. Let's give it a try.
[voice trembling] "I wish you would have d*ed in that fire."
And then I kiss him.
You know what?
Don't kiss him. Yeah.
If you really want to stand out, be the one girl that doesn't kiss him.
Everyone who reads that is gonna try to kiss him.
That'll make you stand out.
-You really think so?
-Yeah.
They're all gonna play this sexy.
You need to make the unsexy choice if you really want to get this role.
You need to be the one non
-dumb whore.
But the script says to kiss him and be seductive.
[chuckles] Exactly. They're all gonna make the mistake of making the obvious choice.
But not you. You're too smart for that.
Okay. But what should I do?
Hmm...
I got it.
You have brain damage.
-That doesn't make any sense.
-Yes, it does.
Maybe that's how you met.
You were drowning, and he saved you.
But not in time. And now you have a brain injury.
And now you talk like this. Uh...
[slurring] "Thank you for saving me.
You saved me...
almost."
-Are you sure?
-Yes.
Very sure.
Try it.
[slurring] "Thank you for saving me."
Yes. Good. You can drool, too, if you want.
-"I love you. Thank you for saving me."
-[normal] Good. That's...
More tongue... [muttering indistinctly]
"Thank you for saving me."
[normal] Very good. You're gonna get this. You watch. Mmm
-hmm.
[normal] Are you sure?
Yeah. That's a high
-risk choice.
It's up there.
That's what they want.
Nice try, Stalker, but I see you. That's a real shitty hiding place.
Hey, Robbie. It doesn't matter if you see me. It matters if he sees me.
-Who's he?
-I'm stalking your neighbor.
Who is my neighbor?
He's a finalist on The Bachelor.
You're stalking The Bachelor?
He has a share.
-I haven't seen you in a while.
-I haven't seen you in a while.
You haven't been doing anything.
It's really disappointing, Robbie.
Yeah, well, I got a lot of stuff going on.
Yeah, whatever.
Why don't you stalk The Bachelor from somebody else's property?
Fine.
I'm leaving.
You know what? I gotta tell you something.
I can't believe Jamie makes you that gateway garbage coffee.
You want to try some real coffee? Try mine.
Yeah, well, this garbage happens to be eight bucks a cup.
Well, this is $ a cup.
[scoffs] Yeah, right. bucks a cup.
Yeah. It's called kopi luwak.
It's made in Indonesia, and you cannot find it around here.
It's made from cat's ass poop.
Is that like slang for something?
No, it actually means exactly what it means.
They make this from cat's ass poop.
Look, they feed these cats coffee beans,
and when it goes down in their digestive system,
it creates an enzyme that is so special that when it comes out,
it makes magic... and sh*t.
Who would drink that?
Are you kidding me? This is a delicacy.
The most expensive coffee in the world.
$ a bag.
If you can find it.
These cats' assholes are the rhinoceros horns of Indonesia.
[chuckles]
[softly] Enjoy.
Put this in the guest room for me. Don't tell Paty.
-I didn't think you liked cats.
-You're right. I don't.
-Where'd you get him?
-I got him at the pound.
They were going to put him down, but I saved him.
-That was nice of you.
-I know.
Actually, he reminded me a lot of you.
-Really?
-Mmm
-hmm.
Nobody wanted him. Living in squalor. No options. Not cute anymore.
But that's where the similarities end.
Because, unlike you, this guy might end up being worth something.
Thank you.
[whispers] That wasn't very nice.
assh*le.
-Come on, little fellow.
-[growling]
Okay. That's okay, buddy. You're okay.
Welcome to your new home, buddy.
-[hissing and snarling]
-[screaming]
-[snarling continues]
-[screaming continues]
[door opens]
Hey... Hey, baby. How are you?
How did the callback go?
You're gonna start drinking your Nordic water again.
-And that means?
-That I got the part!
-You got the part?
-Yes.
-That's great! You got it!
-[chuckles]
Yay! You got it!
Congratulations!
-Wow.
-[chuckles]
How'd you... How'd you get it?
Well, your advice was very useful.
-It was?
-Yes.
Thank you for taking the time to go over that stuff with me.
Well, I'm... It's what I do. I'm just glad I was useful for you.
It was very useful.
I thought about everything you said, and I did the exact opposite.
And that's how I got the job. [chuckles]
[stammers]
Whatever works. Huh?
Thanks again for all your help. I could have done it without you.
Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Couldn't.
Her English is getting worse. Thank God.
[Jamie] Rob?
I'm guessing there won't be a second date.
Your cat tried to k*ll me.
You don't have to tell me what happened in there, if you don't want to.
But you're a sick f*ck.
Peru? I didn't even know they had coffee down there.
I thought it was just cocaine.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, dangerous kitty.
Kitty.
Kitty?
Here, kitty, kitty.
-Kitty.
-[cat hisses]
Good kitty.
Good job, kitty.
[Patricia] Darling...
you can't do this anymore.
It's not safe.
[glass shatters]
You have to find another job.
I can't.
I promised my mother,
as I was holding her hands covered in third
-degree burns,
that I would go on saving people from burning buildings
till my last dying breath.
[crying] I lost you once. I can't lose you again.
[sobbing]
Cut!
My God! The chemistry between these two!
Mark that. Okay.
That's good! Good, good, good.
Good! I loved it! You guys were fantastic!
Let's do another one,
but after you hold Patricia, you guys give each other a kiss.
Something like... like...
[both moaning]
-[sighs] With some tongue.
-[clears throat]
-[Antonio] Yeah.
-[Samantha] And then, let's go to lunch!
Can I get a change of wardrobe? I'm really overheating here.
Wardrobe!
So unprofessional.
Making the entire production stop just because he's getting a little warm.
What a huge p*ssy.
Candy, what the f*ck are we waiting for? Wardrobe!
[chuckles] Wow. My God.
-Oh! [chuckles]
-[giggles]
-Thank you.
-Careful, Candy.
[screams]
Oh, Jesus Christ!
-God! Pendeja!
-Perdón.
-Would you guys calm down?
-Perdón.
Change shirt. Change panties, please. And let's take five.
[exclaims] Médico...
That is the best thing I've seen so far today.
f*ck.
Did you get playback on that little conversation? And the whispering?
Can you get playback on the whispering?
Hey, Rico.
Rico. I, um... I'm Rob.
Patricia's husband.
Hey! Man, what a pleasure to meet you!
Oh! Patricia! What a terrific woman.
So many different interests, two university degrees. You go... Ah!
And she's also an amazing actress.
-And an amazing mom.
-Mmm.
Yeah, to our four
-year
-old daughter.
-Miranda.
-Oh.
Our daughter is doing great, by the way.
'Cause she doesn't come from a broken home.
Well, that's great! Wow. Good for you guys.
-Hi, Rico.
-Oh, hey.
It's the Advil that you wanted.
-Four?
-Thank you. Mmm...
I'm, like, a really big fan of you. [stutters] Your work.
-Well, now, I am your fan.
-Stop... [chuckles]
[laughs] You are not!
Mmm. You smell good.
Oh, God.
I would destroy that.
With my d*ck! [laughs]
[chuckles]
Oh, man, I got this horrible sinus headache.
I think I did too much this weekend. Bikram yoga, PX, rock climbing...
I was even waterskiing for, like, ten hours at my lake house the other day.
It was probably the waterskiing.
You can only take so much water going up your nose.
Exactly. Half the lake went up my nose.
Hey. You and Patricia ever wanna use the lake house, let me know.
No, thanks.
Come on! It's Lake Arrowhead. It's an hour away.
-You guys would have some fun.
-Ah...
Well, thank you for the offer. Very kind of you.
Hey, I'd stay away from the donuts,
and, um, you know... stick to the fruits.
What a prick.
[speaking Spanish]
I need to talk to you about something. It's important.
Sure. But quickly, because we're about to start sh**ting again.
It's up to you of course.
But if I were you, I would definitely not kiss that guy.
I think I have to. It's part of the scene.
I'm almost % sure he has a brain
-eating amoeba virus.
-What?
-Yes.
He has a lake house,
where he went waterskiing for ten hours this weekend,
And he told me a lot of lake water went up his nose.
Which is exactly how you get the Naegleria fowleri virus.
He told me that!
So?
"So?" He has all the symptoms.
He's got a headache. He's overheating. He's overacting. Which is another symptom.
-Thank you so much for telling me.
-It's okay.
-Now I gotta go.
-Okay.
-Just protect yourself out there. Okay?
-I will.
-Okay, I gotta go.
-Yeah, I gotta go, too.
Um, back to the kid. Our kid. Our kid. The one you and I made.
Okay. See you later.
Don't forget what I said.
-You know, about... I love our family.
-Yeah. Yeah, me too.
And I don't want anything eating your brain.
[Samantha] Okay, guys! We're back from lunch.
Move that chair, please.
My God.
Hey, before we start, I have an idea.
Okay.
I think it would be more powerful if, instead of kissing him,
I just hold him really tight.
Because it's not about passion, it's about love.
Oh. Yeah! We can try that.
Ow!
[mouthing] I love you and our family.
[Samantha] We're gonna sh**t.
Yeah.
Nah! Forget about it. I'll make out with him if I have to. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah.
[cat meowing in distance]
-Did you just hear a cat?
-No! I didn't hear a cat.
That was me.
You just looked so good today on set, like... [growls]
[meowing continues]
Tell me the truth. What's going on?
I never told you this, but...
when I was a little kid...
I found an abandoned kitten.
But I knew my mother would never let me keep a cat.
Why? Was she allergic?
No.
Filipino.
What?
Cats aren't pets to Filipinos.
What do you mean?
Cats don't go in the house.
Cats go...
on the rice.
No.
-She told me it was chicken.
-[gasps]
But I knew.
[crying] It was Freddie.
Oh, my God. That's horrible.
[crying]
Honey, why didn't you tell me? We could have gotten you a cat.
I didn't want to burden you with it.
I'd like to keep him.
But only if it's okay with you.
Of course.
[cat meowing]
-I'm gonna go check on him.
-Don't!
I mean, I wouldn't. I mean...
give him time to get used to his new surroundings.
[cat snarling]
I gotta change his food.
Could be a little hard.
[cat growling]
Okay.
Let's see if you made Daddy some money today.
Now, that's a good kitty.
-Good morning, Jamie.
-Holy sh*t. You scared the crap out of me.
What are you doing up? It's :.
Well, it's a beautiful morning. I didn't want to miss any of it.
All right.
And I, uh, made you a beautiful French press cup of coffee.
-Really? For me?
-Mmm
-hmm.
It's right here.
Waiting for you.
You've never done that before.
Well, you've worked for me a long time, Jamie.
Figured I'd do something nice for you.
Thanks.
I'll put some butter and coconut oil in it.
No, don't!
I mean, I wouldn't.
It's a Peruvian single
-origin coffee bean.
You want to just experience the flavor as it is.
Okay.
Go ahead. Try it.
-What do you think?
-I don't know. It...
It's hard to describe.
It's a little... grainy?
Hmm. Grainy?
Maybe a little hint of salmon.
Hmm. Grainy, hint of salmon. Try it again.
[gargles]
-What are you thinking?
-Maybe a little earthy.
-Earthy.
-Gamy.
Gamy! Mmm. Earthy, gamy.
Would you pay $ for it?
I don't think so.
Um...
[sniffs] Got a little stink to it.
Well, it came out of Freddie's assh*le about an hour ago.
[retching]
Yes.
It does have a bit of a stink to it. You're right.
[retching continues]
We may have to buy another one of these.
[blender whirring]
Where's Freddie?
Oh... He's taking a nap.
I highly doubt that.
That's what cats do.
They take naps, about hours a day.
Even the big cats, you'll find,
spend most of their lives kind of taking it easy.
Bullshit.
I mean, I have problems sleeping.
Maybe he's on the same circadian rhythm that I have now,
and we've developed quite a tight bond the last couple of hours, him and me.
Where is he?
He's in the room, napping. I wouldn't go in there. I'd let him nap.
Okay.
[stammering] I wouldn't... Honey? Honey? Honey?
-Oh, my God.
-What?
-[Patricia] He looks paranoid.
-[growling]
No, he's not. He's just getting used to his new home.
Checking everything out. This is normal.
[Patricia] I know what you did.
-This is animal abuse.
-[stammers]
This cat looks like he just ran out of meth.
He's fine.
[Freddie thudding]
He's probably tired.
I'm taking him to the vet.
Okay, take him to the vet.
[cell phone ringing]
Jell
-O?
Hey, Rob, it's Antonio.
-Who?
-Rico from the soap opera.
-What can I do for you?
-I'm going to Miami this weekend
to sh**t an underwear commercial with some Brazilian models.
Uh, I was wondering if you and Patricia wanna use the lake house.
No, thanks. Uh, have a good time. We got a lot of sh*t going on.
Come on, man. Patricia told me you guys never go anywhere.
[laughs] Yeah, well, she's a f*cking liar.
But why not?
Okay, yeah. We'll go.
Great. Well, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I'll send someone to drop off the keys, okay?
Okay.
Have a good trip. Thanks.
-All right.
-Bye.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Rico. Huh? This is you, huh? That's you.
The vet told me that a cat's normal heartbeat
goes between and beats per minute.
So?
Freddie's was ,.
You're a horrible person, Rob. You almost k*lled this cat.
Correlation doesn't mean causation.
What does that mean?
That means the caffeine didn't necessarily make that happen.
He had four strokes.
Four strokes doesn't prove anything.
He could have been genetically predisposed to have multiple strokes.
We'll never know for sure.
You lied to me.
You told me that beautiful story about Freddie, and... [imitates crying]
and the crying and all that. Liar.
All you wanted was to make that poop coffee and sell it,
like a dealer.
% of that story was % true.
I looked it up, and that "cat poop" coffee?
They're not even cats.
Well, mine did just fine.
I'll put him on some medium roast next week.
-When do I get him back?
-Never!
After he finishes rehab and detox,
he's moving in with a new family that actually are gonna take care of him.
-That's my cat.
-No.
And by the way, they put you on a list.
You can't adopt anything alive for the next years.
-Just for a cat?
-"Just for a cat?"
It's not like it's a dog or anything.
-God...
-What?
You're terrible.
Who are you?
A dog lover. Not a cat lover. Obviously.
I did eat a cat. Not gonna lie to you.
That part was true.
Wasn't my cat. My brother's.
f*ck him.
Was glad I ate it. I'd do it again.
I'm sorry, honey, but we can't.
Why not?
Rico gave us the lake house for a romantic weekend.
I know. I just don't want an amoeba eating my brain.
What?
I saw you falling into the lake.
So?
So, I'm sure water went up your nose.
I don't wanna have an amoeba eating my brain
just because I'm having sex with you.
It doesn't work that way.
I mean, even if I got it,
it'd be a one in a million chance of you getting it from sex.
I don't want to take the risk. I'm still using my brain.
Okay, you win. I'll wear a condom.
Well, that's up to you. I'm still not having sex with you.
Good night.
Just you and me tonight, buddy.
Let's make the most of it.
Come on, let's check out the rest of the lake house.
[theme music playing]
02x05 - Coffee Business
"Real Rob" is "an exaggerated yet brutally honest depiction of [Rob] Schneider's real life", while living in Hollywood.