02x07 - Who Loves You

[bunniefuu]

Okay. I think we're set. La familia is ready to vamos to Mexico.


-Jamie, how long till the car gets here?
-Uh, minutes.

Honey, you don't have to go if you don't want to.

It's only for two days. I'm promoting the soap opera.


-It might be boring for you.
-I'm going to support my wife.

And I love Mexico. They gave me you.

Aw. Liar. Ooh, my passport!

Don't forget that...

again.

That was nice.

What was nice?

Well, that you're going to Mexico to support your wife. That's pretty nice.

I'm not going there to support my wife.

Just making sure she doesn't move back to Mexico with Rico

and start a new family.


-Uh, Rob?
-What?


-Can I ask you a little favor?
-Sure!

You're always asking me for favors.

Why not? After all, I'm your assistant.

No, wait. You're my assistant. You're supposed to do me favors.

Well, I found this lantern in the garage,

and since you're going away for the weekend,

I thought maybe I could borrow it?


-What if I need it when I get back?
-I'll have it back by then.

Were you gonna get new batteries for it?

Or were you just gonna bend me over and bone me dry?


-I hadn't even thought about that.
-Hmm.

Jamie, that lamp's not for the weekend. It's for emergencies.


-Let's say, there's a CME.
-A what?

A coronal mass ejection.


-I don't know what that is.
-Of course you don't.

That's why you don't have one of these.

A CME is when the sun emits

an electromagnetic storm that hits the earth,

knocking out the entire power grid.

Complete anarchy on the streets for months!

People k*lling each other! Homelessness! Nuts!

Crime! Death! m*rder!

No lights anywhere! Except...

for this one.

And you want to take it for "the weekend"?


-Yeah, it's just for the weekend.
-You selfish piece of sh*t.


-[startles]
-What's going on?

Oh.

Jamie wants to borrow our emergency equipment.

But it's okay, honey. It's just for "the weekend."


-What do you want to borrow?
-Just the lamp.


-[scoffing]
-Allison and I are going camping.

[Patricia] Hmm.

Take it.

I guess you're taking it.

Jamie, after all that useless information, I actually have something you might need.

[theme music playing]

Holy sh*t!

Camping could be dangerous.


-What is that?
-This is a Beretta F

with a
-round magazine.


-[humming]
-What?

Italian f*ckin' perfection. Ha.

[chuckles]

Wow.

Are you judging me?


-[stammers] We're just going camping.
-Yeah. So was the Grizzly Man.

I don't think the Grizzly Man was just going camping.

Jamie, whatever. He was eaten by a bear while his fiancée watched.

I don't think they were just camping.

I remember he was, like, trying to be friends with the bears.

He, like, named 'em. He tried to put a hoodie on one of 'em.

He was riding one this one time. Stuff you shouldn't do with bears.

Whatever, Jamie. His fiancée was eaten, too.

I wouldn't even know what to do with that thing.

Do you love this girl?

Yes. I think so.

Would you still love her if her face was peeled off by a grizzly bear?

Probably not.

Well, then take it.

Does Rob know about this?

Oh, Jamie, my innocent, sweet Jamie.

This is one of a thousand things that Rob doesn't need to know about me.

Understood?

Yeah. Mmm
-hmm.

I've got something you're gonna need when you go for your camping trip.

Okay.


-Don't tell Patricia I have this.
-I won't.

I keep this to protect my family.

I got this in the Cub Scouts.

Careful.

It's still very sharp.

Looks, yeah, dangerous.

Hopefully, you won't need it.

Wow, thank you.

This is between you and me, okay?

Yeah, of course.

Be careful when you're up there.

Steer clear of ticks when you're camping.

Why? What could happen?

Lyme disease. Rocky Mountain fever...

I mean, if you get bit by a tick and you develop a high fever or rash...

Yeah?

You're fired.

Have a good trip.


-You look fantastic.
-Thank you.

[exhales heavily and chuckles]


-You okay?
-I'm fine.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Um, could you get me some water, please?

[sighs]


-You all right?
-I'm fine.

It's just... I'm a little dizzy.

The flight, the altitude. I'm not used to it anymore.

Okay. All right, I'll get it for you.


-[cheering and applause]
-[sighs heavily]

Please welcome our next guests, Patricia Maya and Antonio Infante.

[cheering]

Thank you so much! It's so good to see you!

[Patricia and Antonio] Thank you.


-Fuego y Pasión, my favorite show ever!
-[audience cheering]

You guys have the best chemistry, I am telling you.

So, what's it like for you? This is your first big role.

You must get recognized, right?

I get recognized, but they call me the name of the character.


-Not... not "Patricia." [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

That's kind of, like, half
-recognizing me.

They feel like they know you.

Oh, my goodness, they ask us the other day if we were gonna have a baby together.


-[scoffs]
-Yeah. And you never know, right?

I mean, wouldn't this be a hot little baby? [laughs]


-Ha
-ha
-ha
-ha! You f*cking assh*le.
-[Andrea] Any rumors? I think people...

they think that you guys are together, they think you're a couple.

So what are some of those crazy rumors that are out there?

Oh, my goodness. Uh...

Don't you touch her, you pig! You pig! Get your hands off her!

I heard a crazy one, that I was getting divorced.

Remember that one? They were asking me,


-and I said, "Hell, no!"
-Well, yeah!

I actually thought that was true, too.


-I thought she was getting divorced.
- [Patricia] Oh, no, no, no...

[chuckling] I'm happily married. Yeah. Not to him.

But anyways, it was great.

I mean, we really, really loved this, uh, soap opera, and I... I don't know.

I just want people to see it and enjoy it.

Yeah, I mean, our kissing scenes, like, if you see those and you pay attention,

you can see the passion. That's right.

Oh, what is that? You want us to reenact it?


-[audience exclaiming]
-Is that what the ladies want?

Take that, huh? That's hilarious!

...just do it. I mean, if you want, I can take off my shirt, you know.


-[audience cheering]
-Oh, yeah? Ladies, yeah?

[grunting] Funny. Funny!

[laughing]

m*therf*cker! [grunts]

You do not wanna miss the season finale...

[Patricia laughing]


-...except for the telenovela.
-Yeah.


-You got it.
-Let them see the show.

[laughing and grunting] Funny!

Coming up next, how to tell if your spouse is cheating.

[audience cheering]

[cell phone ringing]

What?

Hey, man. Sorry to bother you, but I have some great news.

What's up?

Some director is trying to get ahold of you.

Some director? What's his name?

I didn't get that part, but I do have his number.

You didn't get that part? Well, let's see if you get this part.

You're a f*cking moron.

Oh, and just to remind you, Allison and I are going camping.

We're leaving in minutes, so I won't have any signal.

Uh, I probably won't be able to do work for you.

Well, that'll be a lot like when you do have signal.

Fine. Call that f*cking director and get his name.

Okay, man. Have a good trip home.

[chuckles]


-Hola. Bienvenidos.
-[Patricia] Hola.


-[continues speaking Spanish]
-Uh, let me try.

Uh...

[speaking Spanish]

...size shoe, uh...


-[continues in Spanish]
-Mmm
-hmm.

...my shoes...

[speaking Spanish]

[sighs] I'm so excited.

This is so nice, that they did the crew party here.


-Yeah. Mmm
-hmm.
-At the bowling alley. What a great idea.


-We're all going to have fun.
-[aerosol spraying]

We can get drunk and it's okay, because we're just enjoying each other.

I can't wait to see the makeup girls. I don't know where they are.


-They're, like, my friends now.
-Yeah.

It's amazing, because the crew turns into your family
-
-

Yeah. I know. Excuse me. Excuse me!

Huh?

Uh, do you have to use that spray? Yeah, that spray, Lysol...

Toxic.

If Lysol is hazardous to reptiles, then it's hazardous to humans. Us. That.

You know what is hazardous? Bacteria from someone else's feet. Gross.


-[speaking Spanish]
-[chuckles]


-Hey, Rob! Hey, Patricia!
-[chuckles] Hi!

Oh, my God. So good to see you.


-[speaking Spanish]
-[chuckles]


-What's up, man? How you doin'? [sniffing]
-Good to see you.


-Mmm. You smell good. Is that Lysol?
-Yes, it's my cologne. Lysol.

Oh, it suits you good.


-This is gonna be so much fun.
-Oh, it is.

I already got two balls picked out for you.

Yeah. You're gonna like them. They're so shiny and nice.

Come on, let's go bowling, guys.

Did he just say that? What a f*cking prick.


-[chuckles] He didn't mean it that way.
-Yeah, I think he did.


-Come on. Come on. [chuckles]
-Shiny balls...

I'll give him some shiny balls up his ass.

Miss, miss. Gutter, gutter, gutter...

f*ck.

Whoa! Yeah!

Good job.

Nice sh*t.

Oh.

Paty said you hurt your back a little bit during the flight,

so I got you one of these, uh, little children's balls.

It's a little eight
-pounder.

So, there you go. You can handle that, right?


-[Rob] Oh, thanks.
-[Antonio] Yeah, of course.


-Appreciate it.
-Yeah. My pleasure.


-Good man.
-Yeah.


-They wanna take a picture with us.
-Oh, of course! My fans! Oh, oh...

Rob, can you take a picture? Thanks, buddy.

All right.

Oh, Rob, can you do another one? Thanks.

All right, yeah! Here, I got it.

Let's see.

Oh, look, I... We look good. We look good. I like it. Yeah, nice. Good job.


-Thank you so much. It was a pleasure.
-Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, where's yours? Come here, you. I know you want one.

[kissing]

Mmm, you smell good. Oh, thank you.

You have a good one, okay?

[sighs] I tell you...

Ouch.

I should teach him, huh?

You know, people really think we have great chemistry.

It really comes off on TV.

You know, we can do a movie together.

We could be, like, the next Latin Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

You know that sex scene? They got it goin' on.

We can do that. We can do it, like, more Fuego y Pasión, right?

What do you think? Yeah?

Oh, my God. We would be amazing! Yeah?


-Hmm? Oh, sorry. I get carried away.
-[chuckles]


-Ah. You smell so good.
-[chuckles]

Hey...

I felt pretty good about that one.

Ooh!

Riding a horse is the most amazing feeling.

It's just... You're just so free.

Oh. Hey, Rob. Uh, it's your turn. Do you wanna go?

Come on, chop
-chop. Let's go. Come on.

Try to at least get one. [laughs]

I'm kidding. Get two.

All right, get three. Come on. You can do this. All right.

So, then I'm feeding the baby horse with milk in the bottle,

and it's eating it up and sucking it up, and I'm petting it at the same time.

It's the most beautiful thing ever.

You have to feed a horse. My God. It is unbelievable, I tell you. You
-
-

[screaming]

Ow, f*ck!

[crying] Oh, God!

It hurts so bad.

Oh, my God! Why? Why did you do that?

Is he gonna be okay to finish?

I'll... I'll go for him if you want me to.

[cell phone chimes]

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

I don't even want to talk to you right now.

I have to tell you something. It's really important.

I...

[Jamie] Mmm.


-This is nice.
-Yeah.


-I'm really glad we did this.
-Me, too.

Oh, what do you think? It's a vegan donut.

Hmm. I don't know.

What flavor is that?


-Guess.
-Okay.


-Um, I don't want to be rude...
-[chuckles]

...but I would say, like, vegetable soup and cocoa powder?

It's, uh, cauliflower dough with an avocado and chocolate frosting.


-Mmm. I would have never guessed that.
-[laughing]


-Mmm. [clears throat]
-[laughing] I just hope that you liked it.


-Mmm. Delicious.
-Mmm.


-I could eat a bunch more. Mmm.
-Aw. Good.


-You want mine?
-Oh, no, that's yours.


-[chuckles]
-It's for you.


-[sighs]
-Mmm.

So, we've been dating for a while now.

And...

there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna
-
-

Are you breaking up with me?

Oh, come on!

Is this because I threw your shitty donut in the woods?


-f*cking... So
-
-
-What did you do?

No... No.

Actually, what I was going to say is...

I think we're great together.


-[chuckles] Oh.
-I don't want to rush things...

but I've kind of been picturing...

myself with you...

forever.

Really?

Wow.

And I don't want there to be, like, weird pressure or anything like that.

I just want you to know how I feel.


-Yeah, no. No, that's good. Thank you.
-[chuckles]

That's great. Oh. This is way better than getting broken up with.


-Oh, my God.
-[chuckles] Yeah.

Wow. Okay, um...

Hey. [chuckles]

[stammers] Well, I... you know...

You what?

I...

I...

[bear growls]


-I love you.
-I heard something.

What? I, um...

I didn't... I didn't hear anything.


-You didn't hear...
-[bear growls]


-Okay, I heard something.
-Holy sh*t.

Oh, yeah.


-I'm gonna go check.
-Mmm
-hmm.


-Do you wanna check?
-No.


-I'll check.
-Okay. Yeah.


-Don't go anywhere.
-I won't.


-Okay. I'm your ride.
-[bear growls]


-Okay.
-Okay.

[bear growls]

Holy sh*t!


-Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, God!
-What's going on?

I don't want to upset you, but there is a bear outside.


-What?
-A huge scary bear.


-[bear growling]
-He's rummaging around for people to eat.


-What are we gonna do?
-f*ck. I don't know.

You know how they tell you brown bears, you go this way,

and black bears... I should have f*cking remembered what to do.


-You know what?
-What are you gonna do?


-I don't know. I'm gonna...
-[bear growling]

I'm gonna keep us alive.


-How?
-I'll just... Okay.


-What?
-Oh, my God! Okay.


-You are not gonna sh**t a bear!
-I have to.


-I'll just hit him in the back with this.
-No. We are vegans.

We protect animals.

But we're humans. Don't you think we qualify as animals?

I wanna protect us. I don't give a f*ck about that bear.

This is our f*cking tent. I paid $ for
-
-

I'm gonna handle this.

You're... No, wait! Allison!


-Allison, wait!
-[sighs]

[growling]


-[Jamie] I'm gonna
-
-
-[Allison] No.

No. Don't sh**t him. There's a misconception about bears.

I heard they k*ll people.

No, they are tolerant and friendly and very gentle.

Okay. [stammering] Okay.

You're doing the right thing.

[both screaming]


-No!
-Oh, my gosh!


-Jamie!
-Hey, leave her alone!


-I'm gonna sh**t him, okay?
-Help me! Jamie!

[stammers] I wanna save your life! But I don't want you to be mad at me.

What do I do?


-Leave her alone!
-Please, hurry!


-[Allison screaming]
-Okay. Don't get k*lled!

Oh, my God! He just doesn't understand!

Nice bear! Nice bear!


-Jamie, hurry!
-[bear growling]

He just doesn't know his own strength!


-[bear growling]
-[Allison screaming]

Jamie!

[screaming]

[Jamie] Excuse me.

Come on, buddy. Here you go, buddy.

Hey, there's jerky! Treat! Treat for you.


-[growling]
-[Allison groaning]

[Jamie] Oh, are you okay?


-I think so.
-Okay. Let's get out of here

before that bear realizes that jerky was made out of tofu.

[Allison panting]


-I'm taking you to the hospital.
-I'm fine.


-You're not fine.
-[panting]

You saved my life.

Let's take you to the hospital and make sure.

When you threw that vegan jerky, that... that was brilliant!

Thank goodness I had this.

I appreciate you not sh**ting that bear.

I know that was hard for you.

When that bear was trying to eat your brain...

I realized I love you.

[chuckles]

And, Allison, even though you're m*nled and f*cked up

and probably classified as deformed now...

[chuckles] Yeah.

...you're the most beautiful girl in the world. To me.

Jamie, that's so sweet.

This may be the craziest thing I've ever done...

and not the perfect time to do it.

Will you marry me?

Yes!


-Seriously?
-Yes!


-Really? No way!
-Yes! Yes!


-Oh, my God!
-Ah!

[crying] Ow! Ow! Ow!

[stammers] Oh, sh*t! I f*cked it up, sorry. Oh, God.


-[crying] Ow! Ooh!
-I'm sorry.

[Allison] Maybe take me to the hospital?


-I'm taking you to the hospital.
-Yeah.

I'm sorry again. I...

I'll be back in a little bit.

I'm still upset with you. But good luck in your meeting.

I hope he doesn't wanna just meet with me to get some script to Adam Sandler.

I need you to get this script to Adam Sandler.

[sighs] I knew it.

[laughing] I'm just f*cking with you!

[chuckles] Well, a lot of people do that,

except without the part where they tell me they're f*cking with me.


-You are just f*cking with me, right?
-Yes. Yes.

[sighs] I called you because I wanted to meet with you.


-You're the one I wanna talk to.
-That's great!

Listen, listen, listen.

I'm working on my next movie, and you're perfect for it. Perfect!

Amazing!

Now, you know, [stutters] I don't want a movie star.


-Mmm
-hmm.
-I don't even want just the average guy.


-Okay.
-I want the below
-average guy.

Somebody the audience can go,

"My life sucks, but it's not as bad as this guy's.

His life really sucks."

Know what I mean?

Here. Listen. I saw your movie.

The one you did a few years ago. Big Stan. Hmm?


-You saw that?
-Oof. Yeah.

[chuckles] I know, no one else saw it. But I did.

And you know what?

I mean, it had its flaws, but it's a good movie, man.

Well, did you see it on TV?

Uh, no, I saw it, uh, at a flea market in Tepito.

Yeah. It was underneath a pile of old p*rn mags.

Well, at least it's getting out there, which is important.

I had no idea you were good with that martial arts stuff.

Yeah, well, that was, like, years and pounds ago.

[both grunting]

Oh, f*ck. Ow!

[grunts] Oh.

[chuckling] Bravo! Impressive.

Look, what's even cooler is outside of me...

and everyone in Tepito...

no one else knows you can do that stuff.

Because, like I said, no one... no one else saw it. Yeah.

You said that. Uh, several times now.

It will be a total surprise.

I... I like to do things that no one expects.

Like the time I presented the Oscar for best foreign film to myself...

Alejandro Corroñe.

Or, like you, Rob Schneider.

Like you being in one of my movies. [chuckles]

Who would expect that? Who would expect that?

Who? Who? [chuckles]

Nobody.

So, do you or do you not like me?

This is my next project. Duel to the Death.

It's my take on Ching Siu
-Tung's cult classic.

And I want you to star in it.


-Hmm? Hmm?
-[both chuckle]

[exhales heavily]


-You want me to star in it?
-Yeah!


-[imitates whooshing]
-[chuckles]

That's amazing!


-[chuckles]
-[exhales dramatically]


-Wow.
-Yeah.

Well, thank you. [stutters] I mean, I don't know what to say.

[chuckles] Yeah, well...

Adam Sandler turned it down.

Yeah. Sad.


-Yeah.
-I did the same face.

Wow. Well...

Well, you know, um, plan B. [chuckles]

Well, actually...

plan C.

Yeah, it was Jack Black.

Turned it down. Yeah.

Hey, Jamie, how was camping?

It was intense.

Paty, I did something crazy.

Did you k*ll someone with my g*n? It's okay.

I'm sure it was self
-defense.

If you left the g*n behind, nothing is gonna happen.

I filed the serial number.

No. Crazier.

I proposed to Allison.

Oh, no, Jamie. Maybe it was too soon.

Oh, come here. Come here. Ah, there's other fish in the sea.


-She said yes!
-Get the f*ck out of here!

Yeah. This trip made me realize how much I care about her.

Aw. Well, congratulations. She's beautiful.

And she'll be even more beautiful when her face heals.

When what?

Can I get a glass of orange juice or something?


-You okay?
-Yeah, yeah, totally.

I just... I donated half my blood to Allison...

[thuds]


-How was your meeting?
-It was amazing.

He's gonna give me the lead in his next movie!

[stammers] I haven't had a break like this in years!

That's great.

Yeah, I gotta get back in shape, you know?

But they gave me all this equipment,

and I get to work out with this guy who worked with Bruce Lee.


-Dan Inosanto
-
-
-I can't believe how selfish you are.

But I thought you'd be happy for me.

You ruined my wrap party. That was important for me.

You didn't care, you only think about yourself and your stuff.

And also, you injured Antonio forever.


-It was an accident!
-No, it wasn't.

You did it on purpose.

No, I didn't.

And even if I did, a little, it's because he deserved it.

He was hitting on you!

He wasn't hitting on me! He's Latino! That's the way he is.

It looks like he's hitting on you, but he's not. Or... kind of.

But even if he was...

that doesn't mean that I was gonna do anything.

Not that I didn't think about it. I mean, he's so hot.

But that's not the point.

Look, I'm truly sorry. I mean it.

[sighs] But this is gonna be good for us.

It's the first real break I've had in over years.

I'm really happy for you.

I still think you'll burn in hell for the things you've done.

But I'm very happy for you.

Thanks.

So, what's next?

[sighs] Well, I got the fitting in a couple of days and then...

we film in Taiwan for five months.

Well, I... We could FaceTime together.

With Miranda.

And, uh...

It'll go by quick. It's gonna be good for us.


-Yes.
-Yeah.

It'll go by.

You'll see. It's gonna pay off.

I know it's a sacrifice for everybody.

But, uh...

I'll be wearing sweatpants for an actual reason now.

[chuckles] Good.

I love you. I'm proud of you.

I love you.

[sighs]

[TV show host speaking Spanish]

Antonio Infante!


-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Spanish song playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering continues]

[electricity surges]

[Patricia] What happened?

[Rob] Oh, nothing to worry about. It's just a power outage.

[Patricia] Oh. Well... just go get your emergency lantern.

[Rob sighs] Jamie! You m*therf*cker!

[theme music playing]