02x03 - Series 2, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Ever since I've dumped Linda, I've
been having the time of my life.

No school, no girlfriend,
no problem.

Linda, why did
you do that to me!

Conor, what's that awful,
squeaky wail?

Is that the taps or something?

Yeah, innit, it's the
taps. f*ck off!

Where are you going?

To Jock's house. Can I come?

The last three texts you
got from Conor were, "Go away,"

"Leave me alone," and, "f*ck off."

I know. It's a big
improvement on yesterday.

Huh?

Wait... Wait for me.

Jock has been trying to
keep my mind off Linda.

So far, his record is three minutes.

She's savage. Tits on her.

That's... Wait, that's Mairead.

What?

You just said, "Tits on her,"
and that's your mam.

That's not my... Well,
she looks hot. I'm keeping that.

You're not keeping that.

I am keeping that. You're not
keeping that. Why not?

It's not even... You two better
hurry up, you don't want to be late.

For what?

All them job interviews you got
lined up. Ha, good one.

How about just once someone

else brings milk into the
house that's not me.

Right? Tell me about it.

Conor, get your act together, boy.

Cheers, mate.

What's your dad doing next to the
blue dog on the rock?

The clue is in the picture.

Your dad's the phantom dog painter?

He did it when he was Conor's age.

Became this big mystery and ended
up on page of The Evening Echo.

I thought it was a small child
who painted that.

That's the f*cking style
he was going for, all right?

New Art Deco/renaissance/
Leonardo DiCaprio...

You know, when he was alive

he used to give it a new
coat of paint every year.

It's such a pity cos it's
like...totally faded away now.

Why don't we go down there later
and give it a fresh coat of paint?

For your da.

That's a great idea, boy.

Yeah? Yeah.

f*cking winner.

Jock, do you need these pants or...

What's that?

Where did you get this?
This is like...

What? Er...

... euros.

Oh, Christ,
you're not dealing dr*gs, are you?

What? dr*gs? How dare...

How... How dare you.

We would never do something illegal.

Shall we, er, pick up another
couple of bikes on the way?

Er, yeah, we could do one more.

Well, where did you get it from, so?
We... Well... Obviously...

We found... We found it.

Were did you find it?

From the...

We got it from the...

Near the... Ch... Near the church.

Obviously, near the church.
Well, obviously, near the church.

Which church?
The church where people go.

Yeah. We told them... We told the
man that works in there

that we got the money. The priest,
is it? Yeah. Yeah, the priest.

And the priest said he'd tell all
the parish people that we found it.

And, I mean, hopefully the owner
turns up. Fingers crossed.

Praise be to the God.

I am not finished
talking to the two of you.

I can't believe she
bought that. Innit!

There you go!

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Hello.

What the f*ck, Billy?

Well, if you got me a key cut

I wouldn't have to keep coming in
the f*cking window.

I'm not giving you a key.
I don't want you in my house!

Then why do you keep inviting me
over?

I never invited you!
You're not invited.

Well, I've brought some milk.

Conor! Jock!

f*ckers.

Pass. It's all right.

Hi, Conor.

He says he's not talking to you.

Do I need to sign something back,
or...?

Er...

No, he says he can hear you, but
only the stuff he wants to hear.

Which is pretty much nothing.

Where are you going? We were
supposed to be hanging out today.

Oh, well, we're going down to
Carrigmahon

to paint a dog on a rock.
Do you want to come?

Hey, what are you doing?

I don't want Linda to come.

Actually, I don't think
you'll enjoy it.

It's like a km cycle. Yeah.

And then you've got to trudge
through the forest for, like,

an hour before you get to the rock.
Yeah. And there's loads of nettles

and other sh*t that pregnant
people don't like.

f*ck that.

Remember that time you wanted to go
to Irish dancing camp

so you could get off
with Firco Kafig

and you made me come with you

and it was the worst
week of my entire life?

Actually, I've changed my mind.

What?

Painting a dog on a rock
sounds like great fun.

All right, grand. You can come.

Your sister's not invited.

That's grand.

But if I go by myself we get to
talk about the baby the whole way.

Baby sh*t.

Baby poo. Baby piss. Baby wee.

Baby food. Baby books.

Baby clothes.

The baby coming out my vag*na

Er...

Please. Stay strong,
stay strong.

Course Linda can come.

f*ck. The more, the merrier.

He... He says, "That's fine."

Yeah, I kind of got it.

Yeah.

My phone...

Back in a minute.

And where did all the
cash come from?

Conor and Jock.

What, are you happy with them
selling dr*gs?

I thought I was being paranoid.

Do you think they might
be selling weed?

Or hash, or f*cking coke, or
cr*ck, or heroin -

heroin's fierce
popular at the moment.

Unfortunately.

Here, Mam, do you know where I
put...

Hey, Billy.

Erm, Mam,
do you know where my phone is?

No...

Erm, but, you know,
I'll try calling it for you.

Did you get a new chain?

No, going straight to the
answering machine.

Battery must be dead.

Why don't you take my phone
for the day? I won't need it.

So I can have a look for yours
when you're gone.

Do you mind? No problem.

All right.

Wha... Er, see you.

Good luck.

What the f*ck was that about?

I'm going to track him using
the FindMyPhone app.

See where they're going.

I need to know if they're dealing
dr*gs, cos if they are,

I'm going to f*cking k*ll them.

Oh, that's brilliant. I'll go with
yous, I owe you one.

You don't owe me anything.

I do. What do you owe me?

One.

Well, I don't want ONE from you,
you f*cking weirdo.

I have a question.

Why are we painting a dog on a rock?

Conor's dad painted it originally,
so we're just touching it up.

That's so sweet.

Conor wants to know, do you mean
sweet like the taste of...

...of Gavin's tongue?

Sweet like the taste of Gavin's...

I got it.

That's a... That's a good one.

Come on. Yeah, I'll get the brushes,
you get the paint? Yep.

You know I don't like it when you
steal things that aren't for me.

Oh, this isn't proper stealing.

What do you mean it's not
proper stealing?

Just trust me,
it's not proper stealing.

Yeah.

It's not proper.

Best of luck.

Don't get caught.

Ocean Blue, Ocean Blue...
Or Ocean Sunrise?

Should we do your own twist on it
and make it modern?

What's the story, lads?

All right, Jimmy? Yeah.

We're just here to steal some paint
and some brushes.

Are you? The boss won't be back
till after lunch.

It's fine.

Yeah. Ocean Sunrise? Yeah.
Shall we get that one?

Great.

Give us all of the cash
in the register or you're dead!

You two muppets.

Nice one. Nice one. Bye.

Bye, Jimmy.
I'll talk to you later, lads. Yep.

Colours
by Frank And Walters

♪ I know a girl who is so nice

♪ She'll change the world
with just a smile

♪ What does she change? ♪

The best way to let your
ex-girlfriend know that

it's completely over and you're
never getting back together

cos she broke your heart,

is to go on a lovely cycle with her.

...with fish, you know?

And I was thinking about naming
the fish after you.

Do you remember our first date?

Do you know -
when we saw the whales?

And, do you know, we got to
swim on them together as a couple?

I wonder if the whales are still
out there now,

do you know, with their mum?

Conor says, "Why are you
so interested in whales?"

"Do you want to kiss them?"

"I bet you'd like that big,
salty whale tongue..."

Ah...! Whoa!

My f*cking knee.

No more sign language on bikes.

Yeah, "No more sign language..."
Yeah, I f*cking know!

Oh, would you f*ck off?

Just let me into the car.

God! I'll be your protection.

I won't need it!

Get the f*ck away from her!

Oh!

What are you doing?

I'm stopping him from robbing you.

He's not robbing me.

All right, what illegal activity is
he doing, then?

Nothing. We were just...going for a
nice drive in the countryside.

I think you owe him an apology.
Ah, there's no problem.

If I'd have seen me trying to
get into somebody else's car,

I'd have probably tried to
arrest me, too.

What are you doing?
Are you stalking me?

Is this an attempt to make me
jealous, yeah?

Why would I try to make you jealous
when I don't want you back?

Will you hurry up?

If we don't get there soon,
they'll have sold all the dr*gs.

Just trying to wind you up,
right, Billy?

I'm putting my seat back down, OK?

The tax is fine.

Bye!

Oh, you can barely see the painting.

It's faded so much.

How are we meant to get up there?

I'm pregnant, in case
you haven't noticed?

Yeah, well, we're going
the long way.

Around the back and in through the
woods.

No, thanks. I'm not budging.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Your sister can stay here
and keep you company.

But normally you like walking
through muddy sh*t. Firco Kafig.

Actually, this rest has given me
a second wind.

Make that a third wind. Please.

There'll be more to come, too,

cos this pregnancy's made me
very gassy when I move.

Oh. Jesus, that stinks.
f*cking hell.

Stay a bit behind -
the farts following you.

Jesus, Siobhan! It follows you no
matter where you go.

It's not even that bad! That's some
stink off you.

It's not me, it's the baby!
It is you!

You ready? Yeah.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

The gate's locked.

Jock, did you bring the key that
opens all locks?

Yep.

It doesn't feel like we're
very welcome.

Ah, nah, just country people
talk a big game.

If they ever met you, they'd
invite you in for soup and things.

Living away from the city is just
so boring,

they probably just put the signs
up for something to do.

Did I now? Ah, Jesus.

Or did I have to put them
up to stop little shits

cutting through my property?

There are dangerous cliffs
on the other side of these woods

and I don't want to have to be
spending my day

peeling one of you up off the ground

when one of you lemmings goes
over the edge.

Conor, just tell him
why we're here.

"If we tell him and he says no,"

"then we won't be able to do what
we came here to do."

Is that a real g*n?

Of course it's a real g*n.

What would I be doing
walking around with a fake g*n?

Can I have a go? No!

I heard someone kicking in my gate

and I brought my g*n
so I could intimidate them.

If I give you a go then
I won't be as intimidating.

Will I?

Mmm, I suppose not.

All right, jeez.

Did you kick in my gate?

No.

We didn't even come in the gate way.

Just tell him.

Enough of this bullshit. Mmm!

I'll make a deal with you.

You go back the way you came...

...I won't call the Guards.

All right, all right.

You know what? That sounds fair
enough, doesn't it, Con?

Yep, that's seems...
That seems pretty fair, yeah.

So, we're just going to go
back the way we came

and we're just going to...

Just going to... Run!

Ah, sh*t! Go!

Dogs With No Tails
by The Pale

There's no need to thank me
for coming with you.

I won't be thanking you.

You won't need to.

And I won't be.

Not a word of thanks will be needed.

Oh, stop, it's saying there.

Well, they're hardly selling
dr*gs in there.

No, that's probably where
they stash it.

Bag it and bury it.

Smart move, lads.

What was Conor thinking,
being a drug dealer?

Like, he's really bad at maths. Ha.

Come on.

Run!

You can hide, but you can't run!

I mean, you can run,
but you can't...

I think we lost him.

This is your last warning.

Was that a g*n? Get down!

This way! This way!

Go on! Oh, f*ck!

Get off me!

Come on, let's go.

Come on. Quick, he's gaining on us!

Come on...

Oh... Shh.

This is my land!

Slow down, slow...

No, you need to keep up.

sh*t. Get down.

It's better...

What you trying to do?

That deal was good!
It was a fair deal!

Did you hear that?

They're talking about a deal
gone bad.

A drug deal.

God, we need to call the Guards.

sh*t. He's going to love this.

Eugh! What?

What I've been trying to say is
my cousin got caught by the Guards

for a drug deal and he got sent
away for seven years.

sh*t.

I know what you're up to, you
bunch of glue-sniffers!

Well, what the f*ck do we do, so?

I've got a plan.

Oh, there he is!

So, what's the plan?

We hop him.

We're going to do what? Hop him.

As in, like, sneak up on him, innit,
and kick the sh*t out of him.

I know what to hop someone means,
I just...

Well, if you're chickenshit,
I'll do it.

All right.

Stay there.

That's deer sh*t, Billy.

What the f*ck is that? The Macarena?

Don't you know where you going...?

What are you doing on the ground,
this is serious sh*t, Mairead!

You tripped me!

I'm not leaving you behind.

Don't you dare pick me up.
Don't you... Don't you...!

Sweet baby Jesus! We've got you.

Hello. Oh, my God!
Get the hell off me!

Not on my watch! What the
f*ck, Billy!

Billy, put me down!
I owe you one. I owe you one!

Don't drop me - no, no, no, no!

Oh, you arsehole.

Right, come on, we should go.

Not until I go pee.

Can you not hold it?

There's a man with a g*n chasing us.
He might k*ll us.

Well, if I piss myself
and ruin my shorts,

then I'll definitely k*ll you.

Shouldn't you be getting new
ones soon, anyway?

What makes you say that? Is
something wrong with these shorts?

OK...

No, no, no, they're perfect,
so you're perfect.

What?

Conor says stop looking at him
with your nice eyes.

For f*ck's sake, Conor,

when are you going to stop this
non-talking crap?

It was just a date. I was
thinking of you the whole time.

"Oh, the whole time your tongue
was in his mouth"

"you were thinking of me?"

"How romantic."

How was I supposed to know
he was going to dare me to kiss him?

"A dare is always going to be"

"the worst thing you can imagine."

"That's why everyone always
picks truth.

"Or, at the very least,

"when that dickhead dared you
to kiss him...

"..you should have double-dared him
back"

"to dare you not to dare you..."

"..To kiss him."

How did you get
all of that from just him signing?

Oh, I'm fluent in Conor MacSweeney.

Look, I'm out here following you
around the woods

and you're not even talking to me.

And for what?

To help you paint a stupid
dog on a stupid rock.

"It's not a stupid dog."

"It's a great dog."

"My dad painted her
cos she saved..."

"..His life."

"If it wasn't for her
saving my dad..."

"..I wouldn't have had the time
I did have with my dad."

Conor, wait up.

Siobhan!

Ah!

Help! Why? What's wrong?

I've stung my f*cking flaps!
What's wrong with your flaps?

The f*cking nettles and my belly
threw me off balance

and it stings, so, help!

I'm not going in there, it's
full of f*cking piss and nettles.

Just roll out. f*ck!

Help me. Ah, ah!

Here. Ah! Ouch!
Come on, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

That is it!

I am f*cking out of here!

I have been stung, I have been
sh*t at and I'm covered in piss.

There's a zip, you know.

I can do it! All right,
just trying to help you.

Linda, we're calling it
quits on Firco Kafig!

Who's Firco Kafig?

Just some fella I gave a handjob
to at Irish college.

You... You did what to who?

Why did you come with me?

You're wrecking my tits all day!

I just f*cking owe you one,
all right?

One what?

f*cking one.
Like one f*cking favour, like.

You did me one.

Billy, I've never done you a favour.

You f*cking did.

And you don't even remember it.

From school.

I was not in school with you.

You were.

Billy. William.

Billy. William. William, Billy.

Billy f*cking...
I f*cking know your name.

Yeah, it's the same f*cking name!

William from school?

Think about it.

The school tour.

You all... f*cking...the beach,

f*cking swimming, parks,
the funfair...

The ghost train? I got
dragged out of it

and they were kicking the living
sh*t out of me.

And when I didn't come out,
you went in. Yeah.

And you were flaking them with
some f*cking iron thing

you'd just picked up.

I was really frightened.

You know who got ten
stitches in the end?

If anybody f*cking deserved two.
There was a tone to every...

There was this...

...and a f*cking clout.
Yeah, I know, I know.

I never knew that was you.

Yeah, well, William was gone,
but Billy lives. It's grand.

f*ck.

Look, I just owed you one,
all right?

All right.

All right.

Come on.

Sorry about that. Right.

Oh, f*ck.

Ah, f*ck. Conor!

I can't hear you.

Conor!

Can't hear you.

Conor!

For f*ck's sake.

His dad painted something on a rock.

...so he told me...
Yeah, but I don't know...

Ah! Would you...! God!

Get the g*n! What the f*ck
are you doing?

I'm rescuing you! Come on, quick!

Aw, Conor, like, swooning -
coming to save the day,

aren't you adorable?

I'm the one who needs saving here!

Shut up!

This is Dano.

I was in the middle of explaining
to him why we're here, and then...

Right, sorry, I... I thought
you were just about to... What?

m*rder your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend, boy,
we broke up.

So, you're the son of the man
who painted my dog

all those years ago?

It was your dog?

Her name was Shep.

You dad, he must have been
about the same age as you are now.

He was down there,
swimming with his friends,

and he got caught in the currents.

He was calling out for help
and they threw a ring out to him,

but he couldn't reach it,
he was too far out.

I was nearby,
taking Shep for a walk.

Shep heard your dad shouting...

...dived into the sea...

...and swam over to where he was.

Jesus.

You dad caught onto her collar
and despite the currents...

...Shep pulled him to safety.

Jeez, that's some dog.

We all pulled your dad
up off the rocks to safety,

the only thing was...

...with all the worrying
about your dad...

...we forgot about Shep,
out in the water.

We heard barking, but...

...it was too late.

Best dog I ever knew.

After her, I could never bring
myself to get another one.

Look, you can paint the dog,

but just be careful on your way
back, yeah?

Thanks.

Do you want to...
Do you want to paint a dog with me?

Yeah.

Dying saving someone else,
whether you're a dog or a human,

is pretty much the nicest
thing you can do for someone.

For obvious reasons,
my dad couldn't return the favour.

But I guess this painting
allowed the dog

to live on a little bit longer.

If only in memory.

You still sore?

Oh, it's, like, on my hole.

It's just f*cking napping away at
it, do you know what I mean?

Like, if it was a dog, I'd say it'd
be, like, biting it or something.

Oh, f*ck me. Here.

Try stuffing them down your pants.

You know when I have this baby,

this is what you're going to be
doing the whole time.

What, stuffing dock leaves down
your pants? No, like...

...looking after me.

You are its... Yeah, I know.

And it'll be my pleasure.

Christ, it's working.

Trust me, you have to go down to
come up.

Bollocks.

Ooh. Wait.

I know where this is.

Oh, look.

Just look at those...

Just look at those f*cking eejits.

Do you think you can hurry up
and start liking me again?

In that case, why not?

It might not have meant that much to
you, but it did to me, all right?

I mean, I know I'm not perfect,
but...

...I never would have done
that to you.

I just wish we were back together.

Well, maybe someday.

Just...not today.

Do you want to be friends?

I don't think anyone has ever got
the full picture

of what is going on,

cos a lot of the time, things
are never what them seem.

f*ck's that?

Er... I was just, er... Garden.

Like, you see a couple hundred
quid in a young fella's hand

and you immediately think,
"He must have robbed it,"

"or is selling dr*gs, or something."

Hello. Conor and Jock asked me
to call by

for the euros that they found
if the owner turned up.

It belongs to Mary O'Connell, a
layperson, in the church.

Um...

Thank you very much.

Bye, Father.

But, then, sometimes things are
exactly how they seem.

And if we all had the full picture
the whole of the time,

I'm sure there'd be nothing to
f*cking talk about.

What's going on with the two of you?

Nothing. Why, what's going on with
you? What's going on with you?

Nothing. Why? What's going... Right,
then. There's nothing going on, no?

You're f*cking weirdos,
the two of you.

Amen. Amen

♪ Near Monkstown in the County Cork

♪ There is a painting on a rock

♪ Of the hound that saved a child

♪ That dived into the wild river

♪ And swam against the tide

♪ Saving the life of a child. ♪