03x05 - Series 3, Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

- Argh! You f*cking...
- BABY CRYING OUTSIDE

Jesus! Why didn't you knock?

Why didn't you lock?

Are you shaving your balls
in our bathroom?

That's none of your business.
Get out!

BABY CRYING

BABY SILENT

Finally.

ENGINE REVS

SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER

What the f*ck is that?

CLATTERING

Can trailing.

CONOR: Can trailing is a thing that
we got from Cork city about a year ago,

which involves dickheads from
other neighbourhoods trailing

open paint cans -
sort of like the way dogs piss

to mark their territory.

Just a bit more colourful.

What the f*ck are you doing?!

What the f*ck do you think
we're doing? We're having a laugh.

My baby is sleeping.

BABY CRIES

You'll never guess what I just saw!
I saw...

BABY SILENT

Can trailers!

What are you doing that for anyway?
None of your f*cking business.

You're messing up our estate.

We're brightening the place up.

It's a f*cking sh*thole
here anyway.

Don't call our estate a sh*thole.

Don't tell my girlfriend
what to f*cking do.

BABY CRIES

Apologise for making my baby cry.

You apologise for shouting
at my f*cking girlfriend.

What the hell is going on out here?
Can trailers.

Would you ever f*ck off out of it?
Says who? f*ck you!

Listen, you...

ALL ARGUE

Boys, boys!

All right, just stop with
all the fighting, all right?

Right. We'll have a proper fight
end of the month in the boxing club.

Yeah, grand.
Just name a time and place.

I said the f*cking end of the month
in the boxing club, didn't I?

Sorry, I wasn't listening. I'll
see you then, so. Yeah, you will.

Jock, I don't want you fighting.
Why? Is he sh*t at fighting?

Cos he looks like he'd be sh*t.
Is anyone talking to you?

Don't you know JP's a proper boxer?

He won the Ireland Under-s
last year.

I can't back out now, can I?
Not with everyone here.

But there's no-one here. But he woke
up Star and that's unacceptable.

Star's nine months old.
She's not going to care!

CONOR: Siobhan pretty much never
agrees with anything Jock does.

And there's nothing that dickhead's
girlfriend could ever say

to change that. Except maybe...

Your baby's name is Star?

That's ridiculous.

What's her brother called?
The f*cking Milky Way?

Just for that, my boyfriend's

going to b*at the sh*t
out of your boyfriend!

Oh, really? Isn't that right, Jock?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, it is, actually.

Yeah. I'm going to
f*cking barrel you.

Stop right there! I'm a guard.
You're under arrest.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

I'm going to catch you,
you little prick!

Hey! Hey!

Get back here!

Hey! I've got you now!

Oh, for...

Bollocks!

LAUGHTER

Hey, Healy, I've got more hair
on my d*ck than you!

LAUGHTER

You sure you're going to go through
with this? I have to. All right?

I'm not going to be made to look
like a coward in front of my daughter.

Star's not going to remember.
You know what this place is like.

Sure, they'll be talking about
this for years and years.

The day Jock O'Keeffe
backed out of a fight. Exactly.

She can't ever think
I was a chicken.

All right,
but what can I do to help?

Do you want to be my trainer?

HE MUTTERS

Why, I'd love that.

What... What does a trainer do?

Well, you know how you always tell
me how great I am and everything?

Yeah. You just have to do that,
but like ten times more.

That's what a trainer does.

Always tells you how great you are
and everything.

You ARE great at everything.

So this'll be the easiest job
I'll ever have.

Thanks, boy.

CONOR: When you're training someone in
the sport where people have d*ed doing it,

it comes with a little
added responsibility.

So I'll have to be super strict
with Jock.

You're going to have
to help me give up the fags.

After this one, after this one.

And every idiot on the street
knows that winning

a boxing fight is all about food.

Now, lads, tuck in.

I can't eat this.

Jock's on a very high-protein diet
at the moment.

Chicken burgers, Super Noodles,
Toblerone. For the fight.

What fight? He's fighting
the Under-s Ireland champion.

He's very good.

Do you think that's wise, Jock?

I've been training really hard for
it. And we've been watching Rocky.

And Rocky II, III, IV and V.
And When Harry Met Sally.

Is there boxing
in When Harry Met Sally?

No, but we ran out of Rocky films
and still wanted to watch something.

Good for you, Jock.
I can't wait to see you fight.

What? Good luck to him.
It's great news.

He is the father
of your grandchild, Barry.

What happens
if he gets brain-damaged?

Would anyone even notice?
Oh, no offence, Jock.

You've a guilty face on you, Barry.

For God's sake!
OK, I put money on the fight.

What do you mean, you put money?

Somebody's running a book on it.
I had a little flutter.

How much money?

euros. Jesus Christ!

On Jock? Of course not on Jock.

Nobody's betting on Jock.

I bet on JP to win by a knockout
in round three.

Well, everybody else is betting
on him to go out in round one.

There's even people betting
you'll die.

Oh, my God. Now, that's sick.
I was totally disgusted by that.

Anyway, why am I the bad guy here?

It wasn't me that started the book.
It was Jock's best friends.

Don't look at me. Well, not him.
Nancy Madigan's son.

Gavin Madigan?

BOTH: Gavin Madigan!

Gavin Madigan. That's the one.

CONOR: The MacSweeney family
and the Madigan family

haven't always seen eye to eye.

Mainly on account of them
being f*cking pricks.

You're not going to shake my hand,
Jock? Why should I shake your hand?

You're the reason
I got expelled from school.

You're the reason I got expelled
from school.

But I've learned to forgive
and forget, let bygones be bygones.

All right, then.
f*ck the both of ye.

I hope JP smashes your bollocks in.

Looks tasty, huh?

I'm his trainer, so most
of his success is down to me.

Conor...

How...? How does he punch that hard?

Boy, he's going to hammer
the sh*t out of you.

What the f*ck?! You're supposed
to be on my side. Sorry. He's not...

He's not... He's not going
to hammer the sh*t out of you.

No. He's definitely going to hammer
the sh*t out of you. No doubt.

Who asked your opinion?
Well, JP's been boxing for years.

He's only been boxing a few days.

He's been boxing weeks, not days.

Still... It's common sense.

Shove your common sense
up your hole.

You can't be running a book
when you're a trainer anyway.

That's illegal. Probably.

Do you want to call the guards?
They're only over there.

I've got two euros on him
putting you in your hole.

Ha-ha.

Easy, boy, easy.

You've got him all riled up now.
He's angry, he's angry.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Who cares if the whole town
is betting against you?

Who cares if JP's the best fighter
in the country, all right?

I still believe in you.

But what if I don't believe in me
any more?

All right, look at it this way.

Do you believe
that the world is round?

Do I believe the world is round?

Yeah. Do you believe
the world is round? Yeah.

Why? So, why do you believe
that the world is round?

Well, because that's what
everyone believes. Exactly. What?

Just because everybody believes
something doesn't mean that it's right.

OK? For years, everybody thought
that the world was flat.

And then they said
that the world was round.

And now scientists are back thinking
that the world is flat again.

Are they? Yeah.

I think... I think so.

So, what you're saying is m...maybe
the way people were wrong

about the world being round...

..maybe people are wrong
about me and JP?

Exactly.

Like, at one point, Principal Walsh
thought you were a loser

with no hope of holding down a job
or finding a girlfriend.

Look at you now, boy!

You're a fishmonger
who's impregnated his daughter.

That's right.

But people have always
underestimated me

and I've always proved them wrong.
Yeah.

Boy, I'm bigger than JP,
I'm stronger than JP.

It's like a gorilla
fighting a badger.

Even if the badger's been fighting
for years

and has far more experience,
it's still just a little badger.

And the gorilla is still a gorilla.
Yeah. And you're the gorilla.

You're f*cking right I'm a gorilla!

Boy... Boy, that could be
my fight name.

Jock "the Gorilla" O'Keeffe!

BOTH HOOT LIKE GORILLAS

KNOCK AT WINDOW

What do you want?
I'm here to help you win.

LAUGHTER ON VIDEO

It's not what it looks like.
Is that right?

Because what it looks like to me

is that you are running around naked
with a bunch of children.

I've busted my hole trying to fix
the reputation of this station,

and you've destroyed it with one
flash of your bald mickey.

God only knows why it's bald.

It's just when I cycle,
my pubes get...

I don't want to know!

Why were you naked?

I was having a shower, OK,

and I heard Mairead call me
from outside about a disturbance.

Are you telling me
you broke all police protocol

because your girlfriend
needed help with something?

What next, huh? Use a patrol car
to bring her an Indian takeaway?

She prefers Chinese food... Shut up!

I'm telling you now, boy,

the next time I catch you
using your badge

to help your girlfriend
out of a jam,

I'll take you off bike patrol...

..permanently.

CONOR: The way I see it,
if you're going to train for a sport

which involves hitting someone
a lot of times in the head,

the best person to practise on

is someone whose head is pretty
much designed for hitting.

Your mam could throw a better punch
than that, the stupid whore she is!

Whoa, Billy! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the f*ck? I can't believe
what I'm hearing, boy.

Did you just call our mam a whore?

I didn't really call
your mam a whore.

You know me, I wouldn't say
a bad word about Mairead.

That's just trash talking.

What do you mean, trash talking?

It's what they do in boxing.

You know, you say a load of sh*t
about the other fella,

try to get into his head, you know,
or under his skin,

and then, bam!

You know?

So, you try a bit of trash talking.

Come on! All right!

Your mam's a whore.

You're going to have to do
better than that!

Tell him you saw his mama
with all kinds of lads.

Yeah. Yeah, I saw your mama
with all kinds of lads.

She was w*nk*ng them off and sucking
their balls and everything.

That doesn't really bother me -

you know, what my mam does in her
spare time, that's her own business.

All right.

Your mam never loved you
when you were younger.

That's why she never looked after
you properly when you were little.

Take that back what you said about
my mam, you heartless bastard.

Agh! I'm sorry, Billy!

I was just trashing...

I'm sorry, Billy! Billy, Billy!

What are you doing?! I was just
trash talking, like you told me to!

Get off him, Billy!

The f*ck?!

Fighting is not the way
to fix your problems.

You have been around v*olence
all your life, Jock.

When have you ever seen it
solve anything?

We have to get back at JP.
And I need him to get back at JP

so I can get back at Gavin Madigan.

And I need him to get back at JP
so I can get back at Bobby Gilligan.

Who?

Who's Bobby...?

Why the f*ck do you think I'm here?

He's this nutjob who's supporting
JP, and I hate him.

Ugh. This is all getting
out of hand.

I'm going to the Gardai.

If JP is under arrest for vandalism,
then you won't be able to fight him.

No! I have to fight him.

What about my pride?

I don't give a f*ck
about your pride, Jock.

I just don't want you to get
the sh*t kicked out of you.

When it comes to our principles,
Mam is like a rock.

Nothing in any person says or does
would ever change her mind -

unless, of course, that person is...

Nancy Madigan.

Mairead MacSweeney, the psychopath
who punched me in the head.

How lovely to see you.

You're not teaching any more?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You got fired for trying
to get my son expelled from school.

I'm just here to see Tony, actually.

It's about the can trailing, Tony.

Can you arrest those two kids?

Sorry, Mairead.

I've been warned by the
superintendent not to get involved.

Nancy will help you out.

By the way, JP's going to hammer
the sh*t out of Jock.

Anyway...

Mairead MacSweeney, petty crime.

You say there's a lot of vandalism
in your area?

Sure, you know
how these things go, like.

Sometimes these little complaints,
they get brushed aside, don't they?

Nice s*ab vest.

Afraid you're going to be stabbed?

Mairead.

You're either on my side,
or you're not.

There's no in between.

Just make up your f*cking mind.

Sergeant Healy?

Remember our little chat?

You have to b*at the sh*t out of JP

so I can shove it up
Nancy Madigan's hole.

I know.

Forget Rocky - watch Muhammad Ali.

Never has a sl*ve got up and said,
"I am the greatest! I'm beautiful!"

I'm the greatest in the world!

See me, boy?

I'm the greatest in the world! Yeah.

Do that, but make it rhyme,
like he does.

Right. Er...
I'm the best boxer in Cork,

I'mma eat you up
with a Kn*fe and fork.

OK. Right, I've got one.

I go by the name of Jock O'Keeffe,

I'll twirl you around
like an autumn leaf.

Twirl you round like an autumn leaf?

Yeah.

That sounds like
I'm dancing with him.

No, but you're going
to make him twirl,

cos every time you hit him,
he's going to twirl.

He'll be like...

Oh, right, OK.

"Argh!"

I see! Dancing is not going
to help you.

Er, we're not dancing.

I'm helping him come up
with new rhymes.

Rhyming's not going
to help you, either.

Well, it worked for Muhammad Ali.

Do you watch the rope-a-dope?

I thought you said
rhyming won't help?

Oh, for God's sake -
just watch this.

BOXING ON VIDEO

He stays on the ropes
and lets Foreman exhaust himself...

..and...bang!

Back to grill inventing for you,
George Foreman!

Come on, boy! You've got it!

Stop coughing!

We don't want to hear that coughing!

Go on! Get up there!
This hill is f*cking tiny!

This hill is tiny! It's not tiny!

First time, come on.

Come on!

Free your mind.

Why are they so much better?

They're not better, you're just
not quite there yet. Come on.

Abstain from sex? Yeah.

Does that mean no riding?

Well, not until the fight's over.

Fine - but you've got
to break it to Siobhan.

Aye.

I'll do it with you.

What, you want to ride me?

No - like, I'll abstain with you.

I don't understand.

It's for conserving energy.

Sure, you never use any energy
when we're riding.

Siobhan! It's true, like.

I mean, I'm the one who does
all the hard work.

Hey, do you want me to win
this fight or not?

"Do you want me
to win this fight or not?"

Why are you abstaining, too?

Er, it's moral support, like.

It's important.

Fine - but the minute this is all
over, we're back to regular riding.

Twice as much,
to make up for lost time.

All right.

All right.

Agh!

Gah!

Your feet, your feet...
Always keep them moving.

Argh! sh*t, sh*t! f*ck!

Agh! It's cos you're so much taller,
your balls is the perfect target.

I feel good. You look good.

I am good. You're the best.

I am the best!

See this?
I'm the greatest in the world!

What are you?
I'm the greatest in the world!

What are you?
I'm the greatest in Cork!

You might be good,
but you're not Jock O'Keeffe!

You're not Jock O'Keeffe!

I'm the greatest in the world!

Yes! Argh!

ARGH!

I'm the greatest in the world!

The greatest in the world.
The greatest in the world.

The greatest in the world.
You'd better believe it.

I think I just figured out

where the expression
"I'm sh1tting myself" came from.

PFFRRT

TOILET FLUSHES

Well, you should definitely
do this for a living.

It says here some boxers make
up to million just for one fight.

So, even if you do end up in a coma,

you can just get the best
medical care in the world for that!

million!

All right, lads.

It's not too late to call it off,
you know.

No f*cking way.
I'm going to k*ll you.

Oh, you're going to k*ll me,
are you?

Yeah, f*cking right I am.

Ha. I'm going to k*ll you.

Yeah, he's going to k*ll you.

And then I'm going to go
around to your mam's house

and I'm going to k*ll your mam.

Yeah. He's going to k*ll your mam.

And then I'm going to find your baby
and I'm going to eat your baby.

Yeah. He's going to eat your baby,
like...an afternoon snack.

Like a cheese sangwidge.

I'm going to eat YOUR baby.

Yeah, he's going to eat your baby.

I don't have a baby.

He doesn't have a baby.

Then I'll eat your dog.
Yeah, he's going to eat your dog.

I don't have a dog.

He doesn't have a dog.

Then I'm going to eat your...

..your d*ck! Yeah, he's going to
eat your...your d*ck!

My d*ck?

His d*ck? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to eat your d*ck!

Then I'm going to go around
your house and eat your dad's d*ck,

then I'm going to eat
your brother's d*ck!

So you're just going to go
round to his house

and eat all of his family's dicks?

Yeah. Jock's the best d*ck-eater
in all of Ireland.

Lads, you're weirdos. Come on, JP.

I'll see you later.

Nice haircut.

Pair of pricks.

Oh, boy, I don't think
I can do this.

Wait, just f*cking...

Of course you can!
You're The Gorilla!

Yeah, The Gorilla.

The Gorilla.

THEY SCREECH LIKE MONKEYS

All right, all right!

Did you get me a good song
to walk out to? Yeah, boy, I did.

MUSIC: X Gon' Give It To Ya
by DMX

You ready to go? Ready to go?

Hey!

I'm just going
to the toilet again, OK?

Aye. Get it all out.

Jesus, it's busy enough here.

Good luck, Mairead.

Good luck to you, too, Nancy.

Wagon.

What are you looking at?

You're the one looking at me.

Are you looking forward to being
a single mother after tonight?

Technically, I'm already
a single mother

cos me and Jock aren't married,
so f*ck you!

Siobhan.

Sorry, Mum.

She gets on my tits,
that Nancy Madigan.

I hope Jock tears JP's bollocks off
and shoves it down his throat.

Jesus, Mairead.

It's all a bit petty, isn't it?

It's just a couple of lads fighting,

and everybody's taking sides
like it's a civil w*r.

You should know better, Mairead.
You're setting a bad example.

Barry Walsh!

Oh! Derek! How are you?

I never would've taken you
for a boxing fan.

Oh, wonderful sport.

That's Derek Doherty,
principal of St Abrams school.

Barry hates him.

I'm actually here
to see JP McCarthy.

He's one of ours.

A credit to the school.

We're all very proud of him.

Is Jock O'Keefe one of yours?

No. Well, he used to be,
until I expelled him.

What are you here for, so?

He's the father
of my daughter's child.

This is my wife, Orla.

This is my wife, Orla.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

And this is my daughter.

I suppose her name is Linda.

No.

That's Bobby Gilligan, the bastard.

He used to be my prodigy.
I taught him everything he knows.

Now he thinks he's better than me.

And you're going to get f*cked up,
too, Bobby!

Yeah? Yeah!

Ah, sit down, Billy. Yeah.
Listen to your girlfriend, Billy.

She's not my girlfriend.

She could do way better than me!

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen,
feens and beours,

please welcome under- Ireland
champion JP "k*ller" McCarthy!

CROWD CHEERS

MUSIC: X Gon' Give It To Ya
by DMX

Whoo! Mwah!

Whoo!

Come on, JP!

w*nk*r!

Boy, I can't walk out
to the same song,

get him to change it,
get him to change it! Aye, aye.

Whoo!

Here, change the song!

Change the song.

Whoo! And now,
please welcome his challenger,

Jock "The Gorilla" O'Keeffe!

CHEERING AND BOOING

IRISH FOLK MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND JEERS

Go on! Go on, kid!

Turn off the music.

All right...

Give him a f*cking...!

- WHISTLING
- Hey, Jock!

Go on, Jock! Whoo!

Come on, Jock!

Go on, Jock!

Whoo!

This is it, boy. This is it.
Go on, Jock!

Just remember what we learned,
all right?

Light on the feet,
light on the feet.

Look at him, he's f*cking scared.
He's scared.

- Seconds out. Round one.
- BELL DINGS

MUSIC: Habanera by Georges Bizet

Go on, Jock! Go on, Jock!
Come on, Jock!

Stop swinging your f*cking arms,
stop it! Go on!

Tuck it in!

f*ck, he's trying too hard.

Come on, JP!

I can't f*cking get him!

He keeps moving!

You move, too, then! I am!

Chin up, Jock!

Face him, face him!

Go on, Jock! Go on!

Agh! sh*t!

f*ck.

You're just winded, come on!

Whoo!

Get up! Come on, Jock! Get up!
Come on, Jock!

f*ck that bastard up!
Gouge his eyeballs out!

Punch his d*ck off his f*cking body!

Come on!

That's my other daughter.

BELL DINGS

Come on!

Whoo! He's totally messing
with Jock's head.

We're going to have to do
something to support him.

Yeah, I'm going to have
to do something

about all this pent up aggression.

Don't let the crowd get to you.

What would Muhammad Ali do?

I'm not f*cking Muhammad Ali!

I'm not even George Foreman.

No, f*ck this - I'm giving up.

You can't give up now.

Remember your strategy.

And stop waving
your f*cking arms around!

Rope-a-dope. Tire him out.

Give me that f*cking thing.

All right, lads,
let's have a big cheer

for Jock "The Gorilla" O'Keeffe!

Come on, Jock!

CHEERING AND BOOING

Trash talk. Trash...
Remember trash talking?

Trash talk... His weakest muscle
is his brain. Yeah.

Seconds out. Round two.

BELL DINGS

Come on, now, Jock!

Your mam's a whore!

What? I said your mam's a whore!

I don't think
this trash talk's working.

He wouldn't be the first ex-pupil
of yours to fall flat on his face.

CONOR: Barry Walsh may not be
the most supportive

when it comes to the father
of his grandchild,

but when it comes to things
he actually gives a sh*t about,

like his school,
well, that's a different story.

Come on, Jock!

You can do it, lad. Get up!

Come on, Jock! Come on!

Get back in. Get back in.
..three...four...

That's it, that's it.

Get up, Jock!

Get up, son! You can do it!

Come on!

Shut up, you,
you speccy old bastard!

I'm surprised you can even see
the fight.

You're lucky you're not
a pupil of mine, young lady.

And you're lucky I don't smash
your glasses, you four-eyed fucker.

Sit down, Barry.

You're making a spectacle
of yourself!

Shut your hole, you pathetic gowl!

Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!

ALL CHANT: Jock The Gorilla!
Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!

Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!
Did I miss much?

Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!
f*ck my superintendent.

Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!

Jock The Gorilla!

Jock The Gorilla! Jock The Gorilla!

Oh, Jesus!

Give it to him!

That's it, that's it!

Oh, sh*t. No!

ALL: Ooh!

Yes, go on! Whoo!

REFEREE: One...two...

..three...four...

..five...six...
Come on, Jock! Get up!

..Seven... Do it for Star!

..Eight... Come on, you can do it!

Please! ..nine...

Come on, Jock.
He's fine, he's fine! He's fine.

MUSIC: X Gon' Give It To Ya
by DMX

YEAH!

Sorry, Derek. I didn't mean that.

I'm going to k*ll you!

Oh, it's all kicking off here!

You, you f*cking...!

f*cking brilliant!

CONOR: You can say
what you want about boxing,

but it really goes help to bring
the community together.

It was below the belt!

It was a f*cking low blow.

JP! Help!

JP!

Box! JP!

One...two...

..three...four...

..five...six...

..seven...eight...

..nine...ten.

BELL DINGS

ALL CHEER

You did it!

You did it, Jock!

I love you, Star!

I f*cking love you!

The winner of that contest
by way of knockout,

in the red corner,
Jock "The Gorilla" O'Keeffe.

Your dad's not a coward, Star!

Well, didn't you do well?

I never saw that side of you before.

Well, nobody speaks to my Barry
like that and gets away with it.

Ooh, go, Orla!

We should get into fights
more often!

Control yourself, Barry.

CONOR: Some people say winning
is its own reward...

THEY CHEER

Good man, Jock. Well done!

..But that's not always true...

Huh?

Where did you get that?!

I bet a fiver
that you'd win by knockout!

Are you serious?

And you f*cking did!

..And the way I see it,

sometimes it's OK to play dirty,

if you've been punched in the knob.