01x01 - Demolition

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once in every lifetime

♪ Comes a love like this

♪ Oh, I need you, you need me

♪ Oh, my darling, can't you see

♪ Darling, we're the Young Ones

♪ The Young Ones

♪ (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid

♪ To live, love

♪ There's a song to be sung

♪ 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones

♪ 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones

♪ 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones

♪ Very long... ♪

(RADIO DJ) That was a great new
version of ""The Young Ones"".

That was brilliant!

Shame about Cliff Richard.

What about him?

What?

What about Cliff Richard?

You trying to be funny?

If you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste!

I'm not a fridge, you know!

Weird, eh?

I better get back to the lentil casserole
before I get disorientated.

Guess it'll soon be over for you lentils.

Atchoo!

Oh, wow!

This is really amazingly hot!

I better get it to the table quickly.

No room at all, eh?

Heavy!

I'll never get it back to the cooker in time.

I'm just gonna have to... Ow!

Oh, no!

Bad karma.

Again!

Guys, there's some dinner
on the floor, if you want it.

If you don't, that's cool,
'cause I only spent all day cooking it.

I got it together to soak the lentils last night.

Maybe we should get a cat and give it
to the cat, 'cause none of you...

Guys?

Maybe it'd be cool if I just d*ed, right?

- Well?
- Well what, Rick?

Have you decided to apologise
about Cliff Richard?

I didn't say anything
about Cliff Richard. I wasn't...

Look, I don't want to discuss it, OK?

I wouldn't discuss the colour
of orange juice with you, Neil!

But I've written a poem which might help you.

It's orange, Rick, and I don't want to depress you,

but you're standing in a huge mound of lentils...

''Oh, Cliff, sometimes it must be
difficult not to feel as if...

''You really are a cliff.

''When fascists keep trying to push you over it.

''Are they the lemmings, or are you, Cliff?

''Or ARE you, Cliff?''

Yeah...

That was really pretty bad, Rick.

Bad for society when the kids get into it!

I'm gonna k*ll myself now.

Pretty angry stuff, right?

Let them try and ignore that, right?

Those clever trousers in the army.

And the police and the government, if they can!

I see things much more clearly now.

- Bye, Rick.
- Yes, goodbye.

I'll probably come back as a lentil.

I might even get put in prison
and have water dripped on my head.

I might even get a personal message from Cliff!

Wow, this is the end, man.

Doesn't anybody clean this oven except me?

Oh...this is so dirty, man!

I bet if you looked
in all the dirty ovens in the world,

even ones at the bottom of swamps,
you wouldn't find one this dirty.

Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil?

Why don't you listen to ME?

You find me boring or something? Look...

Look...that's a saucer.

That's boring.

Look.

It's pretty different really, isn't it?

It's not really the same thing at all, is it?

Neil!

I will not be associated with saucers.

Hi, guys.

., enter Mike the cool person for his dinner.

Strolls across the floor.
''Hi, Neil,'' he says, warming up.

- Is that supper?
- No, that's supper over there.

Why smash saucers? Your prints on 'em?

I know how you feel.
Saucers used to make me angry, too.

There's lots of heads buried
in the garden 'cause of saucers!

I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you?

Well...you'd be right.

'Cause that's the kind of guy I am. Weird!

Which is why I go over people's heads.

A bit like an aeroplane.

You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you? I'm not!

- I don't think you're an aeroplane.
- Sycophant!

I think we ought to get it together
maybe to eat something, huh?

- Eaten any good books lately?
- Oh, don't!

I just stuff down a few pages
of The Guardian before I rush out.

I nibbled a few lines of ''Hippolytus''
the other day at number .

Lucky you!

Euripides is my dream poet.

''A woman is only a woman,
but a concordance is a meal.'' Ha-ha!

Wonderful.

This should raise a dry smile...

- Knock knock.
- Wonderful! Who's there?

- Euripides.
- Euripides who?

Euripides trousers, you menda these trousers!

Argh! A rat!

Oh, wow, man, that's really heavy, man.

My grandfather made that guitar
out of matches on his deathbed.

I hate rats, OK?

It's what he would have wanted.

Guys, I'm sorry the meal
got a bit uncool, like, floorwise,

but it's all right 'cause I've got the dirtiest bit.

Ha-ha-ha!

OK, guys, don't do anything unusual.

Did a guy with a lisp phone?

No one phoned you, Mike. Well...

- ..we haven't got a telephone.
- Yeah, I know.

- But did a guy with a lisp phone?
- No, he didn't.

Did he say anything about the bananas?

Er...no.

- You said he didn't phone!
- He didn't!

OK, that's good.

But it could've been very bad!

Anyway, forget you ever heard the name.

- Er...what name?
- You're learning, that's good.

- I've an uncle called Dusty.
- Are these lentils South African?

Well, erm...

You bastard! You complete and utter bastard!

Why don't you become a policeman?
Become a pig?

There's no difference, y'know? Ow, ow!

There's no difference.
You think there is, but there isn't!

I suppose you hate gay people! Hippie!

Just don't bring me down again.

Where's my biro?

- Where is my biro?
- Here, use mine.

- This is my biro.
- I didn't think you wanted it.

- But look, it's half empty.
- It was just lying there, Rick!

''Neil...what are you doing, Neil?

''To make a meal, Neil?''

Surreal!

''From totalitarian vegetables.

''How much does it cost, Neil?''

Actually, it's about £. each.

£.?!

I'm not paying you to eat black men!

I can be a pig and do that for free!

When I eat a meal worth £.,
I'm not paying for it, got me?

Yeah, OK, OK, like house meeting, OK?

I know £. is a lot of bread
for a lentil casserole, but I did a lot.

It struck me that,
considering what I'm gonna do tonight,

I should do, like, thirteen portions.

Thirteen?! What are you doing,
starting a football team?

No, no. k*lling myself.
This is my Last Supper, right?

I've finished my gallows.
It's far out, you should see it.

When the trapdoor opens and I die,

it lights joss sticks and plays
''Rock Around The Clock''. Amazing!

Oh, far out!

Really great. Woodstock!

Fine, great, yeah!

Why don't you sit in the supper, man?

Vyvyan, you might've washed your hands!

- I've been down the morgue.
- Fine, great.

Let's talk about death.
Don't consider my feelings, will you?

Cutting bodies for my course.

None of you ever listens to a word I say!

- That's because you're very boring.
- Oh!

I suppose you think peace
and freedom and equality are boring, too?

- Yes, they are!
- Fallen into my trap.

Then why isn't Cliff Richard boring,
clever trousers? Tell me that!

OK, lads, erm...

This is it. I'm going.
This is the final moment, OK? Right.

- I've got a leg.
- Hey, that's not unusual.

No, look.

I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but...

..I think I'll stick it on the bonnet of my car.

Bye, then.

OK, hold back, no previous.
The scotch egg's another story.

Nice angle on the wall, I like your style.

Had me fooled. That's only part of the puzzle.

Most days you come through the door.

Sometimes you even open it!

But today you suddenly
changed your routine. Why?

You in trouble, Vyv? Eh?

You the final sausage in the fridge?
Someone after you with the clingfilm?

No. We got a letter from the council.
And nobody's fed my hamster!

Erm...

I'll see you on the other side, OK?
This is it, I'm going, OK?

- Yeah, see you, Neil.
- Yeah, bye, Neil!

And you can forget about the bread.

- It's just like going to sleep.
- But I'm an insomniac.

So what are you worried about?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Mike. Bye.

Nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they?

Sure the letter wasn't
a packing case or a tea chest?

No. A letter.

I think Special Patrol Group
is a stupid name for a hamster.

OK, I'll change it, then. Hello, Cliff Richard!

Bastard!

Aargh! Aargh!

Thanks a lot, Vyvyan!

You know I'm a vegetarian!

You should feed that hamster more often.

- I don't want to spoil him, OK?
- He looks like reduced beans.

He looks well on it, though, doesn't he?

I could m*rder a curry!

PHWRRRT!

- Poor old Special Patrol Group.
- What's ''poor'' about him?

It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.

♪ One, two, three o"clock,
four o"clock rock

♪ Five, six, seven o"clock,
eight o"clock rock... ♪

Well, that's put the rent up by a third!

I really screwed that up.

I'd look pretty stupid if anyone was watching.

Ooh, look at that?

- Should've had a shorter rope.
- Hm, a bit shorter.

What that lad needs is a good,
hard... (DING DING)

I never knew there was so much in it!

Vyvyan, I don't wanna get specific,

but if you knock that wall down
the house'll collapse.

And there's my duvet and passport collection.

- We've a letter from the council.
- What letter? Clarity, elucidate!

Hello, everybody!

Hello, my little Thunderbird puppet!
Thunderbirds are go!

♪ Come on, let's twist again,
like we did last summer, yeah, yeah!

♪ Let's twist again,
like we didn't do in Moscow ♪

'Cause I've never been there. I am English person.

Hi, I am Jerzei - crazy, wacky landlord.

I like very much your punk rock stars.

Your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five!

They are F-A-B,
that's English for stupid. Fantastic!

Mikey, look, I have some Coca-Cola,
we have party, yes?

OK, let's dance! Let's do the fog!

I am liking your Harold Macmillan.

Thanks to him, I never have it!

Mr Balowski! We have residents' rights!

You're supposed to knock.

Don't you think it's a nice house?

Is good house, is clean house.
Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes?

So maybe sometime you pay me rent,

then we go milk bar for soda pop?

Listen, Jerzei...

Jeremy, actually!

Jeremy, if you're worried
about the rent, I've got it sussed.

Gentlemen, house meeting in the hall,
two seconds, be there!

I think you are nice, democratic boy, yes?

I hope you marry Scottish person like Lulu, yes?

(WHISPERING)

I'm not really foreign, y'know.

(LIVERPOOL ACCENT)
I just do it to appear more sophisticated.

Nobody'd buy Evian water
if it was called Blackburn water, eh?

Nobody'd wear Kicker boots
if they were made in Scunthorpe.

ABBA? Swedish?

I knew them when they were
a Lancashire clog-dancing trio!

Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela!

Solzhenitsyn? Solzhenitsyn?

A former pipe-fitter welder from Harrogate!

Back to the acting!

- OK, Jerzei.
- Yes?

About the rent. Oh, I nearly forgot!
Two men wanted to see you.

Two men? Morecambe and Vise?

Funny comedians with the wigs
and buckets of water.

No, they were with
the Moscow Dynamos ice hockey squad.

Said I'd never heard of you.

OK, I see, is good joke?
Is earthy English humour, yes?

Like seaside postcard from Leicester?

Yes, so we'll pay the rent another time, cool?

Yes, that's absolutely ice-box!

See you later, Ford Anglia!

I hate him! D'you think he really is British?

He knows about the Mersey sound!

Shut up! I'm stirring my coffee!

Listen...we got a letter from the council.

They're gonna demolish the house tomorrow.

But I was gonna make it an entertainment
complex. This room's a roller disco.

I'm depressed. It's nine below zero.

He's bloomin' right, y'know.

(''ELEVEN PLUS ELEVEN''
BY NINE BELOW ZERO )

How can they, the council,
destroy the House of Mike?

There's no need to worry.
I've a plan with which to thwart them!

Oh, God! No sugar!

Oh, wow. A wet bum.

Just what I need, far out!

A plan! Hey, now we're
in the same supermarket.

You agree the council must be thwarted, right?

Does this face empty knickers?

That, I don't know.

But when the council come tomorrow,

they'll find the house
already demolished from within.

Step back, recoil. I want to study
the angles. I'm not talking fishing!

- Give me the letter.
- The letter, with pleasure.

Vyvyan, this isn't our house!

- Well, whose is it, then?
- Somebody else's!

When they get back,
tell them I'm incredibly sorry, right?

Well, old man?

Woods...and the darkness.

And the howling wind.

Will the snows never cease?

They seem to reach back forever.

They began the night Uncle Volga d*ed.

On the night we heard the sh*t.

If only we were deaf.

Remember when this very room
was filled with light

and laughter and young people?

How we laughed!

''Ahh-ahh!'' we would go.

''Eee-eee!''

Was the food richer then?

Or have we just forgotten?

It was...sort of crunchy.

The woods and the darkness...

And the howling wind.

Will the snows never cease?

They seem to reach back forever.

Could you be quiet?
I'm trying to watch my favourite programme.

- Will you stop it, Vyvyan?
- Listen...

If we don't smash the house up,
the council will demolish it tomorrow.

He's right, they're gonna knock
the house down tomorrow.

That's all very well,
but, after years of stagnation,

TV has woken up to the need
for locally-based minority programmes,

made by amateurs
and of interest to only two people!

It's important, right?
It's now and I want to watch!

- Wet feet! Nice one, Vyvyan.
- I thought you were dead.

That's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

The council are gonna knock the house down.

Sh! Sh! Sssssh!

Let"s shake some action here on

with a new programme
for young adults: ""Nozin"Around""".

♪ Nozin"Aroun", Nozin"Around"

♪ Nozin"Aroun", Nozin"Around"

♪ Nozin"Aroun", Nozin"Around"

♪ Nozin"Aroun", Nozin"Around" ♪

Hi, my name's Baz.

Me and my mates thought
that TV just wasn't NOW, right?

I expect, like us, you're not into
what your old man's into, right?

So we just thought
we'd have a programme for us.

And this is it, Nozin' Aroun', yeah!

N-O-Z, Z for Zap!

It's a programme for young adults
made by young adults,

concentrating on all the subjects
that young adults are interested in.

Like unemployment...Maggie!

Hey, hey! Yeah! Really great!

I'll be looking at what it's like
to be a young unemployed adult!

More young adults are unemployed
'cause they can't find work.

Basically the problem is this.

If you haven't got a job, you're out of work,
which means only one thing:

unemployment!

Yeah, got you back! All right!

Thanks a lot, Maggie, worth listening to.

After all, it's our world, too, kids! Right!

- Right...
- Really great. Hi!

I'm standing up here 'cause that's
what this programme's about: shock!

Yeah. Right. OK.

OK, thanks, Maggie.

Right, it's time for a natter
with our very special guest,

Roland Percival, who's Careers Officer
at East London Poly.

- Getting down?
- Right down, thank you.

- Rol...
- Baz?

A lot of my mates say to me,
''Baz, what's the point?''

What would you say to them?

But surely, your mates must realise
there definitely IS a point!

So, a real message of hope
and good cheer from Roland, an ace guy!

Drop in and see him for a chat at the Poly.

That doesn't mean
I want you to seduce my parrot!

Good 'un, Rol!

If you're on the dole, go and see Rol!

I should stress that you must have a degree.

Yeah, right. Thanks a lot there, Rol.

Now it's the part of the programme
where you, yeah, you the viewers,

get a chance to put your ideas
and opinions - new concept, right?

Our world, too!

Here we go with Street Level.

I'm , old enough to get married,
but I can't drink in pubs.

When will the government realise
that young adults are responsible people?

I'm , right? I can join the Army,
the Air Force and the Navy.

But I can't drink in pubs.

When will the government realise
we have a valid contribution to society?

A lot of people say
young adults are violent, right?

How would you feel if you were
old enough to have intercourse,

yet you could not drink in pubs, huh?

There you go. That's the problem.

What do you do of an evening
if you're young and can't go to pubs?

What I think is if the kids are united,
we'll never be divided!

Did you see that?

The voice of youth!
They're still wearing flared trousers!

Try a bit of poetry, hippies!

The council are gonna knock us down.

Yes, yes, yes! So you keep saying,
but they'll never do it.

This is a student residence. A seat of learning.

The council have okayed it, babes, OK?

Oh, right on! Right on!

Typical!

Human beings are the last consideration.

Take any street, an English street,
filled with life, hope and poetry...

Not the street, just us! We're a health hazard.

- But I live in the launderette!
- Yeah, it's OK, because...

Because the letter is signed
''T Smith, Miss'', see? See?

I even believe it's perfumed.

- Dust the duvet, I'll handle this.
- I'll handle this!

I'll handle this!

I can't handle this.

When they come, I'll hide in the wall
and pretend to be thermal insulation.

When they knock the wall down... Boom Shankar!

''House! House! House!

''Oh, you are made of stone,
But you're not a lone...ly house.

''I am here.''

♪ I've got myself a walking, talking,
living, walking, living doll... ♪

Excuse me!

This isn't the house to be demolished!

It's the other side of town.

Excuse me!

Another half hour. Just a bit more time, OK?

Some of these bricks explode! That's good, innit?

Excuse me.

Why don't you just go and live in Iran? Or Russia?

Listen, I've stewed up some lentils
and seaweed as a...

..last positive action.

Rick, what are you doing with my crucifix?

I'm protesting.

I think I should lay this one on you, man.

That's a really negative way to k*ll yourself.

I've tried hundreds of times.
You can't hammer in the last nail!

Excuse me.

Are you the lease owner of the premises?

Er...I'm being hassled in the street by a chick!

Don't make me paranoid, man!

Stop making him paranoid, you slag!

Hi, baby.

Maybe just once I'd like to keep
the lentils off the floor.

- So who turns on your bulb at night?
- I'm sorry...?

If the world's an egg, I'm the lion stamped on it.

Thank you. I need your rent book.

You know the French for ''duvet''?
I'm talking % cotton.

I'd like your duckdown stuck to the soap.

- That's enough...
- Open mouth surgery?

Feel my scalpel. Done it
on a beanbag? I do it INSIDE 'em!

All right. Aaaaargh!

(ALARMS RING)

Don't worry, lads. These bastards
won't get away with this.

(WORKMEN JEER)

Come on, man. You'd be doing me a favour.

Oh, right on!

Wow, I really hope we don't have a crash.

Me, too.

But it's safer than crossing the road.

- But we have to do that, too.
- Best not to think about it.

(EXPLOSIONS IN THE DISTANCE)

(RICK) Oh, no, that plane is going crash on us.

(HUGE CRASH AND expl*si*n)