Mother, May I? (2023)

[bunniefuu]

You sure,

this is the one you want?

The box?

We can get her into

something nice, you know.

We have ceramic urns,

porcelain, silver...

Nah. She's good.

As you wish.

My condolences.

Thanks.

See you later.

Hope not.

Is some part of you

still lingering about us?

Or have you moved

onto what's next?

- Were you dancing?

- No

- No?

- Mm-mm.

Do you want them?

Oh, they closed up years ago.

I have to tell you something.

What?

- I was dancing

- No!

I just didn't want you to

think I don't care.

I know. I know.

Cause I do.

I know.

You're such a bad liar.

Do you want to say something?

Um... sure.

Thank you for giving me life...

and the house.

I can't believe

they make these things

out of plastic.

What, she's fish food,

this thing's going

to last forever.

Oh my god, is this it?

This is beautiful.

Let's get this shit over with.

Hey,

do you see the resemblance?

Anya.

Is that her?

Uh, yeah sure.

I mean I guess.

I don't know.

Ooh!

How can a person

have so much shit?

Emmett!

It's not shit.

It's her life.

What are you doing?

Come on.

You don't even wear makeup.

What, are you gonna keep it?

I just had no idea

this place was so magical.

We could do anything, like...

we could start

a writer's retreat,

or I don't know, if we come up

on weekends, or start a camp.

- No. What are you, nuts?

- I was just thinking out loud.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

She never reached out to you,

not even once?

Why do you think

she left you her home?

Babe.

Babe.

Do you know what

that sound is?

Mm-mm.

I don't know what

that sound is...

I think it means you're

in your fertility window.

- Mm...

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure...

- Technically, yes.

- No, no, it's not technically.

That is science.

That is proven...

There's an app for that.

There's an app for that.

I don't wanna do it

on your mother's bed.

Why? Come on, we can...

We can-- We can do it.

I mean, it'll just be

a little weird.

- Fun weird?

- It could be fun weird.

There's only one way to know

if something's fun weird.

No. It's now fun weird.

It's real weird.

No. It's what?

Did you hear that?

There's nothing here.

Is that where she...?

I got it. I got it.

It's nothing.

What? What?

Baby, you shouldn't

be doing that. Babe.

No, it's fine.

It's fine.

Really, it's not a big deal.

I think you got it.

Mm-mm.

You're not funny.

Look at that.

That's in good shape.

That just needs

a little bit of love.

Oh!

Don't. Is it bleeding?

Shit.

Don't do that.

Stand up straight.

Come on, smile. Smile.

Do you love your mommy?

Do you love your mommy?

What are you doing?

Sweetheart, stop that.

Stop it.

It's my birthday, Mommy...

It's when

you were just a baby.

Don't! Emmett.

Let me just... Oh my god.

We're going to get that cut.

Smile!

If you're not

going to talk to me,

we need to do chair reversal.

No, the realtor's

coming in two days.

I don't care about

selling this house!

We need to do chair reversal.

No.

No, no, f*ck that.

No, I'm not doing that.

Emmett,

will you please

tell me your problem?

I'm avoidant.

Emmett,

will you please

tell me your problem?

I'm Emmett.

And my problem is, is that...

I have a really

deep well of trauma

because my mother abandoned me

at a really critical age,

and now she's passed away,

and I'm doing everything

I can not to deal with it.

So if you're already

going to therapy

because I insisted and you're

saying that it's helping,

and you've had

a really good attitude about it,

even though our insurance

doesn't cover it.

Why do you think

I feel the need

to keep pushing you?

I think unconsciously that,

um...

I'm trying to make up for

a childhood I never had

by having a child of my own.

I can't do that.

I can't do that because

I shouldn't want

a family to fix a problem

that I refuse to deal with.

f*ck this.

Emmett!

Emmett.

So you don't want to have

a baby with me?

You know how badly

I want a family.

That's not what I'm saying.

I need you to let go

and open up.

Have you ever

thought that maybe

a little repression

is a good thing?

Come on.

Come on.

They'll still be there

when you get back.

Come on.

Isn't this is about trust?

Come on.

- I'm not repressing anything.

- No?

Mm-mm.

Then how come you never

learned how to swim?

You'd have to ask my mother.

Come on.

- You alright?

- Yeah.

- You alright?

- Mm-hmm.

OK.

Hey, you're OK.

- Hey, I got you.

- OK.

I got you. OK?

I got you.

You can trust me.

When we got here, I didn't...

I didn't recognize the house.

I didn't recognize the kitchen.

I didn't recognize the table.

When I went to the bathroom,

I saw this...

this syringe.

So I ran upstairs to my room.

Are you listening?

Hmm.

I ran upstairs to my room.

And it doesn't look the same,

you know?

But I started to remember,

I started to remember

things like my bed,

you know,

with the sports sheets.

I remembered

the John Starks poster

I had hung up on the wall.

This is me opening up.

You have to try this.

OK...

OK.

OK. OK. OK.

OK.

I dreamed a dream...

Hey, careful.

Careful, careful.

Hey, be careful.

All right.

All right. Stop.

Stop.

Hey, g*dd*mn you.

Hey.

You alright?

I need to be in water.

Come here.

You're gonna let go.

Babe?

Anya.

Have you repressed your pain?

Anya,

I really don't want to do this.

Are you angry?

No.

- Are you angry

with your girlfriend?

- No.

- Do you hate your girlfriend?

- No, of course not.

Do you hate your mother?

No.

Do you miss your mother?

No.

Do you miss your mother?

No.

Do you ever wonder

why she abandoned you?

- No.

- Do you ever wonder why?

No.

Why do you want to

have a child?

Because I love you.

Why do you want to have

a child?

What do you what do you want?

f*cking human nature?

Anya, I don't know.

- Because your mother

abandoned you

- No.

Do you ever wonder why

she abandoned you?

No.

- Why?

- I don't give a shit.

Do you want to know why

she abandoned you?

I want to stop

playing this game.

Do you want to know

why I abandoned you?

I don't like this.

- You blame yourself.

- Stop it.

- Do you want to know

why I abandoned you?

- I said f*cking stop it, Anya!

What the f*ck?

Anya!

Anya!

Oh, shit, babe.

Babe. Babe. Babe.

Did I hurt you?

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Did I hurt you?

- No.

Do you love your mommy?

What are you doing?

There he is.

There he is.

Oh, look at you,

what's happening here?

Come on, come on. Chin up.

Emmett.

I'm gonna go drop

some stuff off

at a thrift store.

Then I'm gonna go pick up

like a bagel or something

on the way back, I'm starving.

Do you want anything?

I'm sorry things

got heated last night.

f*ck, Anya.

Hey, Anya, baby,

I need those keys.

Realtor is coming tomorrow,

we've barely done anything,

I need the keys, Anya.

Anya!

Yes?

It's... it's Bill.

From up the street.

OK.

Can I help you with something?

I was driving to town

and I saw the car parked here,

and I thought,

somebody is breaking in, maybe.

No,

that's, that's my car, my house.

I'm sorry.

No, it's OK.

Oh hey, if you need anything,

um, you know,

it's the yellow house,

top of the hill.

You can't miss it.

So your foot healed fine, huh?

My foot?

Yeah.

I never worry about working out.

Never have.

I've got the farm

to keep me busy.

I sleep good.

I can tell you that.

Yeah, no, I work.

You know,

I'm on my feet all day, too.

If I don't go for

a run in the morning,

I lose my shit.

Wonder who you got that from?

You probably don't want to

talk about your mom.

It's fine.

My fiancee says I need to be

more open about these things.

She says I'm avoidant.

"Maladaptive coping"

she calls it.

"Maladaptive."

Whatever the hell that is.

You know, look,

I got nothing to hide.

I'm really grateful to Tracy

for leaving us the house.

Whatever we can get

for it is going to be huge.

You're just going to flip it?

Yeah.

You know, Anya and me,

we're trying to start a family.

So...

Is that her?

She got you on that short leash?

No, no, that's...

It's our ovulation app.

Keep that thing

away from your junk,

I'll tell you that.

I'm probably twice

as fertile as you are.

No offense,

I don't carry one around.

Some day

it's going to come out

just how much

radiation the GPS app

in that thing gives off.

It'll fry your nuts.

I mean really,

they'll drop the f*ck off.

You're sure you're OK

to get back?

Yeah. I got the GPS.

- I told you.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- It'll fry your nuts.

- Yeah, right.

I appreciate it, though.

Thanks.

OK.

Hey, Tracy, knitted those.

Are you going to

give those away?

- You want them?

- Oh, thanks, yeah. Yeah.

Great.

- Thanks again

- You bet.

Hey, is something burning?

Anya.

What are you doing?

Anya, are you smoking?

Babe, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait...

Stop. Stop.

Why are you smoking?

- Emmett, enough.

- Stop. Why are you smoking?

Will you get out of my way?

It is going to burn.

Anya.

What is happening?

Jesus, Emmett!

Do you not like

pizza anymore?

The f*ck are we doing?

Hmm.

You have terrible posture.

Come here.

Stop.

Hey, I'm sorry I got mad.

I want us to have

a nice time together.

I'm so happy you've come home,

my little wild-thing.

What?

Wait.

Your plate.

Do you need something?

You made your point, OK?

It's weird

that I don't remember.

You don't remember who?

Me?

Wait, wait, wait.

- Anya!

- Look at me.

What do you mean?

Of course you remember me.

If I really meant

nothing to you,

you wouldn't be so reactive.

You need to work on your anger.

It isn't healthy.

Alright.

I know I need to work on myself.

You're right.

And I'm trying.

I'm trying.

And I will do

whatever I need to do

to be the partner

that you deserve.

Alright?

What the hell.

Raj, what's up, man?

Uh, I'm alright.

How are you?

You good? Good? Good?

Yeah, um...

You ever trip with somebody

and they, they start acting

like another person?

What about like,

all the way into the next day?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Goodnight, Emmett.

Yoo-hoo.

Good morning, Emmy.

Since when do you

know how to fry an egg?

Do you prefer them scrambled?

No, thank you.

I crave his forgiveness.

Deep and primal.

And yet his return is stenched

with this dread of burden.

He's as needy as ever.

I thought I could be

what I never was.

As if I'm not who I am.

Why was my heart cursed

to be his forever?

Emmett, knock!

"Why was my heart cursed

to be his forever?"

How dare you read that?

Give it to me.

What are you doing?

Going into town to pick up

a rotisserie chicken.

Since you find my

cooking so offensive.

Well you look like

you're going to the opera.

In this town?

When pigs fly out of my ass.

Give me my journal.

Now.

Hmm. Stop staring.

Get out.

Emmett.

Is now a bad time?

No, oh.

Um, no, no, no, sorry, sorry.

Now's perfect.

Such a unique property.

Love the exposed beams.

So you think

it's worth something?

Yes,

but keep the windows open,

we need to clear that smell.

Smoking is a real deal breaker

for a lot of people,

especially these young couples.

And that's all that seems

to be buying these days.

Folks leaving the city

looking to spread out

and reproduce.

Is that your wife?

No, no, no, no.

That's my mom.

How sweet of you to have this.

That's not mine

I didn't want to say anything,

but this place

seems really off the grid.

You know, I would love to spend

a little extra

and freshen things up.

Get rid of these antique chairs.

Rip out all of this junk.

Oh!

My goodness. You startled me.

Hmm. You are...?

The listing agent.

Anya. Anya.

- Get out.

- No

- Is there a problem?

- There's no problem.

You don't have to go anywhere.

There's no problem.

- It's not his house.

- It is my house.

It's my house.

It's my house.

OK, my house.

My mom left it

to me in her will.

OK?

- My condolences.

- It's fine.

I'll come back tomorrow morning.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Listen--

Unbelievable.

Even for you, Anya,

this is f*cking unbelievable.

g*dd*mn it.

No. No, you're wrinkling them.

What are you talking about,

wrinkling them?

Wrinkling them?

You've never...

Stop! Eh! Stop.

Stop.

This is how you pack.

Baby,

you've never folded anything

in your entire life.

And all of a sudden you tidy.

No, you stop! You tidy.

You make the bed,

you make me eggs.

You make me f*cking bacon! Stop!

I'm taking you to your mother's.

I'm not going anywhere.

This is my house.

You took mushrooms

when you were pregnant?

I didn't.

You wanna f*ck with me,

That's fine,

but I'm not going to let you

f*ck with our baby.

What is this, Emmett?

Is this some kind of game?

That's enough.

Are you kidding me?

Give me this shit.

Why are you torturing me?

Is this some shit you

and your mom came up with?

Some kind of bullshit, twisted

cognitive behavioral therapy.

Do you not know how

a woman's body works?

I can't have a baby.

I can't have a baby!

Oh, f*ck.

Oh my god, Emmett!

Look.

You can't even look at it,

can you?

There's only so much

pretending you can do, Anya.

Huh?

God.

Every morning.

Any time she was

stressed, really.

Body therapy, she called it.

And then there were

her evening swims.

But is that all you came here

to ask me about, yoga?

Oh, don't worry,

I'm not your father.

No, I was just a hired hand.

She paid me when she could.

No, your father was

a guy who drove a motorcycle,

lived in

a artist's loft in Soho.

That's all I know about him.

Honestly, I don't think

she knew much more.

- Why did she--

- What, have you?

Try to forgive her, son.

She tried.

Believe me,

she never got over losing

her little wild thing.

Emmy.

So, where are they?

Hmm?

That's how you're doing it,

right?

Doing what?

Her journals.

This is what

you're looking for.

I found it on my dresser.

"Is there some part of you

still lingering about us,

"like some drunken

reveler clinging to

the end of her night?"

It's trying very hard, but....

What?

It's just funny, Anya

Who is Anya?

Well.

In theory, she's my fiancee.

Oh,

so it's serious?

She's pregnant.

This is juicy.

Tell me everything.

Wait, let's grease the wheels.

So, things are complicated.

You can say that.

Yeah.

You could also say she's a...

a master head-fucker.

Emmett!

Now who taught you

to be such a chauvinist?

Mm-mm.

It certainly wasn't me.

She thinks I'm all f*cked up

because I had such

a shitty childhood.

Her mother never even

taught her how to swim.

Hmm.

How is that even possible?

Well her mother is this

fancy psychoanalyst,

which makes Anya think

that she has the qualifications

to do some kind of quack therapy

to get people to

talk about their, you know,

like deep, dark shit.

But really, she's...

just a poet.

Actually, she's never even made

a dime writing poetry,

she's really just

a frustrated copywriter.

Is it so bad that

the mother of your child

wants you to open up?

She thinks I only

want to have a child

because my mother abandoned me.

Hmm.

Is that what

you think happened?

It starts with your back.

Well, you are really just...

You're not what I expected.

If this Anya of yours,

is all the things you say,

why not just walk away?

I guess maybe because

she's the only woman

that ever loved me?

Hmm.

You want to know

about your mother?

Did you want me?

It was more of

a need than a want.

I don't even know

where the need came from.

I tried.

Emmy.

I really, really tried.

OK.

Do you love your mommy?

Do you love your mommy?

What are you doing?

Sweetheart, stop that.

Stop it.

Say, "It's my birthday, Mommy

and I love you."

Hold on one second.

Hold still.

Do you love me?

Say, "I love you, Mommy."

Sweetheart, don't do that to me.

Honey?

Hey, you're having

a nightmare, OK?

Anya!

No, no, no. Shit!

Anya!

Emmett.

What are you doing?

You can't swim.

You can't swim.

Please don't leave me.

Please don't leave me.

Please.

Please don't leave me.

Please.

Please.

How are you feeling?

Hungry.

I feel like I slept

with my head underwater.

Wanna go into town

and find something to eat?

Can't you like make me eggs

or something?

You want me to make you eggs?

What is it?

Emmett.

Where are you going?

For a run.

Talk to me.

Will you please tell me

what happened last night?

That was three nights ago.

Hey.

Don't shut me out.

I don't want to push you away.

I want to be close to you.

Just... stop.

- What are you doing?

- But--

We haven't gone

through that yet.

I thought you wanted to

throw everything out.

OK, don't talk to me.

Do you love your mommy?

What are you doing?

Sweetheart, stop that.

Stop it.

Say, "It's my birthday, Mommy

and I love you."

Hold on one second.

Just hold still.

Do you love me?

Say, "I love you, Mommy."

"I love--"

Sweetheart, don't lament--

Let me just--

Oh, my goodness.

We're going to get that cut.

Smile.

It's your birthday.

It's your...

Oh, my goodness.

I got you an apology bagel.

Are you OK?

Alright.

It starts with the back.

What does?

Just... just try.

Sorry, it's like...

OK.

What's wrong with the bagel?

It's not the same.

As what?

Damn it, Emmett.

Will you just--

Emmett.

Emmett, will you

tell me your problem?

My problem is

I'm not sure what's real.

Emmett.

What's your problem?

I'm Emmett

and my problem is,

is that my girlfriend

and I took mushrooms

and I seem to be

really upset right now

about something she did,

but I'm not going to

say what it is.

What do you think she did?

I think she was

playing a game.

I guess it's kind of like a game

of playing right now, but...

No, in that game, she...

pretended to be his mother?

Emm.

- Emm.

- Your turn.

OK.

Hmm.

I'm Anya.

My problem is,

is that I I've been trying

to tell you something

for a while now

and I have been

too scared to do it.

I really wanted to

have your child.

My problem is that I can't.

My name is Anya.

And I want to have a family

but I don't think I can.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

You don't think you can?

Because all I care about

is writing poetry.

And going to gallery openings

and impressing my friends,

and basically maintaining

this image of myself

that is like the opposite

of holding a baby in my arms,

and being covered

in all that weird puke.

My mother is this

really cold intellectual type,

and I never really

got me love from her

unless I did

something exceptional.

And you see,

when I was like a kid,

I was like, really gifted.

And so I got a lot of love

from her because of that.

But now that

I'm not seen as like,

the most amazing poet or like,

even like adult, you know,

my mom seems to have, you know,

like, like,

disappeared from my life.

But I think it's like

in a meaningful way.

But also, she may think

that I'm just mediocre

and I'm, like,

kind of broken because of that.

And I'm just,

I'm just so worried

that I'm not capable

of giving the kind of love

that a child or maybe even

a husband would deserve,

because I can't

think of anything

beyond my own f*cking neuroses.

Which is why

a couple of months ago,

I pulled out all my eyebrows

and I looked like

a f*cking mannequin.

Did you look at it?

There's no child in here.

They never could be

a baby in here

because I can't have a baby.

Why aren't you saying anything?

I can't have a baby!

I mean, this is what

you said last night.

I need to

get out of these clothes.

"If my body gave me

this need to have a child,

why can't it make me love him?"

- You think I wrote that?

- I don't know, did you?

That would

actually be impossible

because I would never do that.

But you did do that to me,

Anya.

Oh, OK.

I'm gonna show you right now.

Hmm.

No. Look, look, look.

Is it the same handwriting?

Great, so you admitted

you're pretending.

I don't think so.

No, I don't know.

You don't think so

or you don't know?

I just told you

I can't have a baby.

How do I know you're

not f*cking with me?

About what?

No, of course not.

You just said

you were pretending, Anya.

- Not about that.

- About f*cking what?

About everything?

I just told you

I can't have a baby.

What else do you

want me to tell you?

You know what?

I want the f*cking truth.

That's what I want.

I want the f*cking truth.

That's what I f*cking want.

- No, you're not

going to do that.

- I swear to God.

I swear to God.

I swear to f*cking God, Anya.

I don't know.

- You made it up.

- I don't know.

- I don't know.

- That's not a f*cking answer.

- It's not an answer, Anya.

- I don't know what I did!

Emmett.

Emmett, that is

my only notebook.

That is two years of my life.

Emmett, that is my only copy

I will do anything you ask me.

Just don't do this.

Emmett.

Emmett, you wouldn't do this!

Emmett--

Of course your mother

abandoned you.

Of course she f*cking did!

Emmett! Emmett!

Emmett?

f*ck this.

Emmett, where are my keys?

Anya?

Emmett.

Emmett.

What are you doing?

Anya?

Who are you?

I'm Bill, your neighbor.

I found him passed out

by the side of the road.

Let's get him inside.

There you go.

You were on your way out?

Are you going to

take him with you?

Aren't you trying to

start a family?

Is that what he told you?

Forgive me.

I haven't been here

since the day I found her.

Tracy once told me that

she was going to

be reincarnated as a bug,

because of all the

terrible things she did.

Still can't bring myself

to k*ll one.

We tried it once.

Me and her.

I could never get over her.

Hard as I try, I just can't

accept the fact that...

it's all gone.

She's still here.

- Jeez!

- Are you OK?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

What happened?

Emmett was a difficult child.

A wild child.

Hard to discipline.

The syringe?

He showed up at my house,

filthy, scared.

His foot was broken.

I took him to the hospital

and that's the last night

she saw him.

What he needs,

you could never give him.

He needs her.

What does she need?

I wish I knew.

Thanks.

For what?

For letting me say goodbye.

What are you doing here?

Get out.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it.

You were right.

About everything.

I'm sorry about last night.

I really do feel

a lot better now.

I just hope

it's one of those things

where you can see,

you know, like,

deep down inside,

even, even my darkest,

nastiest self and maybe I'm...

not all bad.

I guess you didn't look too

closely at which book I burned.

You know, maybe before

you make any big decisions

we can spend the day together.

Get out of this house.

Enjoy the country before we

have to go back to the city.

Now that I'm no longer avoidant.

You wanna talk about

how you're feeling?

I'm Anya and my problem is--

No, don't! Don't. Don't.

It's fine.

We're not going to tip.

I was relieved

you burned my book.

I've been

telling people for years

that it's been coming.

I was so nervous

about what everyone would think

when they actually read it.

Am I a hack?

Am I too shallow?

Or is it too weird

or pretentious?

Or am I just pretending to

be something that I'm not?

I think I wanted

a child just because

you know, what I was doing

my entire life

I wasn't even good at.

It's because I was mediocre.

I needed something to

feel like my life has meaning.

When I was young, I spent hours

and hours outside,

I'd come home and she would be

writing or dancing

and she would say

things to me like, "Not now."

You know, "Go away. Not now."

"Can't you see,

I'm in the middle of something?"

I was hungry, you know,

or cold or tired or--

- You were needy.

- Exactly. I was needy.

I needed my f*cking mom.

I mean, if my existence

was just going to

be some constant reminder

of a life

that she left behind,

why put us both through that?

She tried to make it work.

She really tried.

She f*cking abandoned me.

No, she did.

They took you from her.

I found the records

in the basement.

How did you do it?

You talked like her.

You moved like her.

You danced. You cooked.

You cleaned.

You changed your handwriting.

How?

Are you my mother?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Are you Anya?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes. Yes.

But.

What?

But Anya can't swim.

Anya?

Hi. I'm Anya.

My problem is

I need a child.

My name's Emmett

and my problem is

I need a mother.