01x03 - The Great Kahuna

[bunniefuu]

It was the weirdest,
the absolutely most fantastic.

Breakers bigger than anyone
had seen in many a tick,

and the go-heads...
The really hairy surfers...

Were just standing there
like stuffed penguins.

I was nailed down too.
Who wasn't?

Everyone was utterly spellbound.

Mmm. I sure dig bologna.

- Oh, there. Woo!
- What's everyone staring at?

- The man.
- What man?

The great man.

Man, is that board trained. Like voodoo.

Oh, he's too much!

He had just returned
from Australia...

Or maybe New Guinea
or Acapulco or Makaha...

Or wherever the surf ran
in the whole swinging world.

And wherever there are surfers,
they called him the Great Kahuna,

which means, roughly translated,
"the wailing ultimate."

Yikes, has he got cool! Poor Jeff,
snowbound at Princeton.

Jeff? He's the one
that clued me in.

He always said that Kahuna was the
highest bolter in the whole Pacific.

Anybody got a cold bottle?

Okay. Okay.

- That was a dinghy move.
- He remembered my name!

- What'd he say?
- He said, "Thanks, Gidget."

It doesn't rock me.
But it's polite.

Oh, very. And he wants
to see me again in minutes.

Ten minutes!
Now that's something else.

- What do you suppose for?
- To pick up the empty bottle.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Hey, Kahuna! Kahuna!
Hey, Kahuna! Kahuna!

It's that dame, the one
who was lookin' for you.

Auwe! Kokua.
Tell her I paddled to Catalina.

You're wiped out, man.
She knows you're here.

This could be hairy.
Get up there and slow her down.

Baby!

Hey, you!
Uh, Gidget!

It's only eight minutes
and five seconds.

Eight minutes
and five seconds to what?

Now it's eight minutes
and seconds.

You know, a smart kanaka doesn't
sit in the sun without a hat on.

Grab your beach bag.
Come on. I need you.

You need me?

Come on. Wikiwiki.

He needs me.

- Wonder what for?
- Who cares?

Don't lose your head.

Okay. Uh, lie down.

Lie down? Yeah, there.

Not like that. Spread out.
Look like you belong.

Give it a little mahanahana. What's that?

What it sounds like.
Here.

Uh, that's a little better.

Are we gonna take pictures
or something?

You're doin' me
a howling big favor.

Now I'll try to keep her out, but if
she gets in, do naught and say naught.

Just hang on
to your status. Dig?

She? Who?

I think eavesdropping
is the lowest,

and never would I permit myself
to sink to such depths...

unless it was
absolutely necessary.

It had to be total w*r.

I gleaned she was from Hawaii,
a divorcée or something.

The great man had turned her on
and forgotten to turn her off.

And she was so flipped
that she tracked him...

from the sands of Oahu
to the sands of old Malibu.

And there she was,
closing in like a panther.

Just a minute, Buff.

No bunnies in the hutch.
That's my rule.

I thought I saw a pink nose.

You shouldn't have
come in here, Buff. What's that?

- That's the Gidget.
- What's a Gidget?

Did she crawl in under the wall,
or is she here on official business?

- Uh, she's my wahine.
- Wife?

Oh, no, no. Wahine-poo.

That small squid?
I don't believe it.

Small frame, maybe,
but a big motor.

Oh, come on. How old is
this underripe tomato?

Who figures age? We swing
to the same b*at. That's all.

It was like an afternoon
at Wimbledon.

She'd belt one over.
He'd slam it back.

She'd rap me.
He'd "unrap" me.

My pride felt like a yo-yo.
Then he made a wild move.

And suddenly I knew how
fabulous the world looks

when you're floating
in outer space.

Kind of rough. But she'd have
planted me like a tree.

Why is it all women
wanna lash you to the rails?

Where is the unsquare female that
would rather fly than grow roots?

Here!

You did me a favor, Gidget.
I owe you a big debt.

Now we're maluna kealakekua.

Maluna kealakekua?
What's it mean?

We're connected forever
in the design of the gods.

Holy moly!

Surf's up! I'm gonna hit it.

Maluna kealakekua.

My gosh. What's been happening
in here, for gosh sakes?

I can't really talk about it.

Can't find the words. Try.

He and I, the Kahuna, we're...

- Yes?
- We're maluna kealakekua.

- That sounds serious.
- That's nothing.

You wouldn't believe
what I found out.

We're the same.
He really does need me.

All his life, he's been searching
for the unsquare female...

who'd rather fly than grow roots,
and at last he's found her.

- You?
- Only he doesn't entirely know it yet.

Do me a favor.
Don't tell him.

I dreamt of the Kahuna
all that night,

traveling with him to the
far corners of the world,

waiting on him,
cooking his meals.

And waking up didn't end it.
I went right on dreaming.

Pass the salt please, Frances.

That's the sugar. Oh, sorry, Daddy.
Is this what you wanted?

Frances!

- What's with her?
- She's thinking.

Thinking? She doesn't even
know we're in the room.

Frances!

Oh, hi, Anne. Hi.

Hi, John.
What's new in Kooksburg?

- There's no need to be disrespectful.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the latest
on the psychological front?

Well, I was just telling Dad I
have a test coming up on catatonia.

Oh, catatonia. Wild.

My universe was unhinged.

Everything I looked at,
every face I saw,

revved me up and launched me
into other worlds.

You know,
it's an amazing syndrome.

The catatonic can drop into a
stupor while you're talking to him.

The muscles tense,
the eyes glaze...

The expression grows vapid.

Hmm. Strange.

Huh. Strange.

Hey, what's the dinghy idea?

Don't be alarmed,
I'm just examining your pupils.

Well, I don't like people
sneaking up on my pupils. Sit down, John.

Gidget obviously
has something on her mind.

But it's her mind
and it's her something.

Thank you, Daddy.
May I ask her one question? Just one?

- That's up to her.
- Huh? All right.

Just answer yes or no.

Does it ever happen that your
mouth goes suddenly very dry,

then just as suddenly
very moist and then dry again? Yes.

- On what occasions?
- That's two questions.

Please! I must have an answer.
When does this happen?

Whenever I have graham
crackers and a glass of milk.

You like that, huh?

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll sack in.

Good night, Daddy. Good night, all.
I have a very important day tomorrow.

What are you doing? Going to the beach.

What's so important
about a day at the beach?

Hello?

Anybody home? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Lawrence.
I didn't know you were...

Frances just went to bed.

So early?

She said she had a big day tomorrow...
at the beach.

Uh-oh.

Could you explain
that last remark?

No, sir. I can't.
I mean...

Well, I'd have to think
about it first.

- About what?
- Whether to be or not to be... a rat fink.

Good night.

You still awake? Mm-hmm.

I was just thinking.

You've been doing quite
a bit of thinking lately.

Well, I just stopped in
to see if you were all right.

Thanks, Daddy. I'm fine.

Good night, Francie. By the way,
have you heard from Jeff lately?

- Guess he's busy at school.
- Nice boy. Putting down some roots.

- Roots?
- Something wrong with that?

Not if you're a tree.

Sleep tight.

...and most of the time they'd spend in the
deep jungle, hiding from their relatives.

Do those kooks
barbecue each other?

Oh, the U.N. scratched that
kind of meat off the menu,

but they still grab a snack now and
then just to keep their hand in.

Good gravy. Did they try
and stick a fork into you?

Surf's up!

How 'bout a tandem, huh?
Okay, buddy. Let's go.

So far, riding tandem was
the only physical contact...

we'd had since
that fabulous kiss.

Come on, goofy foot.
Line up with me.

But of course, I knew
that a man of his stature...

could not show
his affection openly.

Yikes! It's my old man! Trim up!

That was very good, for a while.

What are you doing here? Just curious.
Never seen this spot before.

Well, why not?

Uh, would you like
to sit down or something?

Hey, Gidget. What's up? Friends?

Would you like
to meet 'em? Sure.

Uh, this is my father.
This is Siddo... Hi.

And Randy and Jackass. How are you?

That's not his real name, of course.
I didn't think it was.

Nice to know you fellas.
Well, we gotta split.

Hey, Kahuna.
Come meet the Gidget's pop.

Kahuna? How do you do?

Are you the, uh,
high priest of the tribe?

Well, that's just a nickname.

That, uh, hut up there with the
Arapesh totem board... Is that yours?

How'd you know it was Arapesh?

Almost became
an anthropologist at one time.

Well, come on up if you like.
I'll show it to you.

I'd like to very much.

Now you stay with your friends.
I'll only be a minute.

I got a couple of swords up here that
might interest you too... Mundugumor.

I couldn't believe it.

You'd have thought
they'd become blood brothers.

Hey, Gidget.
You and the man gonna tie up?

Pops come down to make the deal?

They don't call you Jackass
for nothing.

Suddenly a light went on.

If there ever was a time for a sales
pitch, this was it.

Dad? Dad? Dad, I wanna talk to you about
something, and it's very important.

I hope you won't interrupt
until I'm absolutely finished. Mm-hmm?

It's about the Kahuna and me.

Well, what I mean is,
it's about both of us.

Being with him and, well,
moving on with him.

I... I hope you can
understand, Daddy. Uh-huh.

I know he's older than I am, and I know
it's not the conventional way of life,

but... but I know the age
difference will grow less if...

Daddy, I love him.

Being with him and... sharing his
kind of life is what I... what I crave.

Being as free as possible.

I can't turn
my mind back anymore.

I know it's the only way
I'll ever really be happy.

Well, I'm, uh, glad you decided
to confide in me. I appreciate it.

I know, Daddy. I don't exactly
admire your plan,

but I... I respect
what you're after,

and I understand
your feeling about Kahuna. You do?

Oh, Daddy.
You're too fantastic!

Of course I'd, uh,
like to get to know him a little better.

Oh, of course. Why don't you invite him
for dinner tomorrow night?

To our house? Yeah.

Uh, no. I don't think
he'd come, Daddy.

It's the square world...
What he digs least.

Houses and all that. Ask him.

Well, I'll try.

By the way, how did you find
this beachhead?

Easy. Just asked. Ah.

See you home.

Asked who?

And I have snails
for the first course.

I looked for Australian caterpillars
or something really exotic.

But snails was the best
I could dig up. Thank heaven.

Gung ho!

Oh, listen. If he's wearing
a T-shirt or something,

for gosh sakes,
don't say anything!

- Yes?
- Hi, Gidget.

Holy minestrone!

That's for you. Candy?

Well, uh... It's a...
nice house you got here.

Well, come in. Come in.

Uh, thanks for the candy.

Hi, Cass. Hi.

- Cass?
- That's my name... Cass. Uh, Cassius Cobb.

- Cobb, huh?
- What do you drink?

Oh, whatever you have.

Where'd you get those clothes?

- Oh, I bought 'em... off a friend.
- Why?

- Everybody's got clothes.
- But you're not everybody.

I never said I was. Here you are, Cass.

My first thought was that
some sinister barber...

had given him a shave,
a haircut and a prefrontal lobotomy.

Then I figured maybe he'd
flipped at the prospect...

of moving indoors for a formal meal
after all these years in the open.

Then I figured... I'd just
wait and see what developed.

Have you ever,
uh, been married? No.

Travelers can't have wives.
They keep adding little passengers.

But a traveler could have a female
assistant, sort of like a girl Friday.

Well, the trouble with a girl
Friday is,

pretty soon she hooks
into Saturday and Sunday.

Have you ever considered settling
down and getting married?

You know, lately I been thinkin'
about goin' back to New Guinea,

but, uh, it's too damp.

So, I mulled the idea
of Arabia, but it's too dry.

Mmm, good beef stew.

It's Viennese goulash.

Francie cooked the whole meal.

Ah, boss chow.

You know, I'd consider myself lucky
to have a girl like you in my kitchen,

if I get that little house.

Little house? Yeah, I been aimin'
to mention that.

An old buddy of mine dropped
by Malibu this morning.

We used to ride onini boards
together at Ala Moana.

He straightened off and beached himself
in the Valley at this electronics plant.

- Electronics plant?
- Yeah, he's a foreman now.

Got a wife and a kid on the way.

So he asked me where I'm headed,

and, you know,
I didn't have any idea.

So he tells me
about this little house...

and says he could start me at a pretty
fair wage, enough to raise a loan.

- Gonna buy the house?
I began feeling weak.

I had a floating sensation.

Dimly I heard him saying that
he'd become sick and tired...

of folding his tent again and
staking at another beach...

and that his thought was
to find a good little wife...

to share his
creepy suburban dream.

It's the only way. The right girl,
of course. That's the important thing.

If you both will excuse me for a
moment, I'd like to be excused.

Hey.

Oh, Daddy.
What's happened?

I loved him so much.

Cookie, he's not what you loved.

It was the idea, the freedom.

Remember what you told me...
No roots?

But he's getting himself
planted like a tree.

Just the point. In order to be free,
you've got to be planted, have roots.

Every drifter learns eventually
that being rootless...

simply means you're from nowhere
and you're going nowhere.

But if I'd said to you, "That's not
freedom. That's just useless motion,"

would you have believed me?

I guess not.

Mmm, your vision was fine,
but your plan wouldn't have worked.

The path to freedom isn't
quite that easy to find.

But you'll find it... some day.

Now, will you come downstairs
and say good night to Cass?

He's kind of wondering
what happened.

Cass.

The Great Kahuna.

You know, when I told you I
understood your feeling, it was true.

He's a nice guy.
Frankly, I was surprised.

I liked him
the moment I met him.

I know.

Don't be too long.

Surprised?

Surprised.

How could he be surprised
if he didn't expect something,

and how could
he expect something...

if my little old buddy Larue
didn't tell him?

Ah, you travel around a lot.
It's Banzai Pipeline and Australia,

Sunset Beach at Makaha.

If you're temperamentally suited
to the life, it's, uh... it's great.

A lot of people think they are, but few
make it. I've seen good kids go rotten.

Well, we're in your debt, both of us.
Well, Gidget did me a big favor,

and a debt unrepaid
is a heavy burden.

Now we're kulike.

Kulike. What does that mean?

Well, it's a kooky language. It's, uh,
really hard to explain what anything means.

Uh, what... Are we still
maluna kealakekua?

Oh, sure. Even after you buy
that little house...

and go to work
in the electronics plant? Sure.

Why did you change clothes?

Oh, I changed everything. I suddenly
realized my terrible immaturity.

I didn't have to look very far
for that better path, Daddy.

You showed it to me,
right down the solid middle of the road.

- Solid?
- Kahuna... I mean, Cass...

You squared up
and came to terms with life.

Maybe it took you a little while,
but it's the doing that counts.

I've done the same.
The search is over for me too.

It is?

I'm right by your side.

And you can have me
in your kitchen.

I don't really have
a kitchen, not yet.

Yes, but when you buy
that little house...

Yeah, then I'll have
a kitchen. Yeah.

I wouldn't buy a house
without a kitchen.

Francie.

Oh, don't worry, Daddy.
We won't be moving around.

We're gonna settle down
real tight. Aren't we?

Well, maybe we are
and maybe we aren't.

That friend of mine is very unreliable.
I don't really have the job yet.

Why don't we give it a little slack for a
few days and see what sticks its head up.

Meanwhile, you talk about it with your
dad and smooth out some of the wrinkles.

Thanks for the goulash.
It was way out of sight.

Well, aloha! Toodles.

Gone.

I told him you were sharp.
But how did you figure this out?

"Frankly, I was surprised.
I liked him the minute I met him"?

Cookie, with you,
life is full of surprises.

Jeff! What's his status
this morning?

You know, I must have been
out of my gourd.

There's absolutely no comparison
between a solid dreamboat like Jeff...

and an old tramp steamer
like the Kahuna.

He's the only man in the world
I'd ever want to grow roots with

and settle down and raise...

Holy "moke"!

The whole thing's about how he's
thinking about bumming around the world

till he's or so,

and how do I feel
about the proposition.

How can you win? You thump your way
up to the top of the biggest mountain,

and ipso cripso, there's a bigger
one laughing right in your face.

But still, I think I agree
with Plato. Life is a gas.