01x13 - The w*r Between Men, Women and Gidget

[bunniefuu]

Surfing is a sport...

which demands devotion,
skill, patience,

and, if at all possible, a boy.

A boy responsive
to your every whim.

Bret! I'm sorry,
but anybody can wipe out!

Yeah. But when you go,
you take me with you.

And vice-versa.

Oh, Bret, this is the place... perfection.
And look at the surf.

Yeah. Absolute privacy
and no people.

And you found it for us.
Hail to the leader.

It was sort of a... a paradise,

and we had it all to ourselves...
for nearly two hours.

And then the invasion
hit the beach...

Our beach.

Bret welcomed them.

Hey, get lost, chums!
This is private property, Larry.

Oh, what do ya know?
I thought it was a public ocean.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Anybody is welcome to drown in it.

After a little conversation, the boys
decided to discuss the whole thing...

while they were surfing...
In a polite, reasonable way.

That is, sort of reasonable.

Well, not exactly polite.

More like murderous.

There was a brief discussion.

Look, Bennet. The way I see it,
there's always room for one less.

So go, Wilcox.
You got my permission to depopulate.

Which got briefer...

but more active.

And then all of a sudden,
the plug was pulled...

on all of us.

Which proves that the best things
in life are free... such as quarrels,

not to mention feuds.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Hamburger, hamburger,
cheeseburger,

dog with, dog without,
fresh yogurt frappé.

Oh, Bret, what's wrong
with sharing the wealth?

What, with a loudmouth?
Never happen.

Hey, Larry, we were
just saying that we...

That there's
nothing more to say.

Go fetch food, woman.

What do you do for an encore?
You kick dogs or something?

Are you volunteering?

You want to try unleashing me,
wheat germ?

Hey, fellas,
what about some music?

It's on the house.

Make a selection.

As I see it, the problem is in
finding a peaceful solution.

Sure. How about
drowning 'em all?

Men! Janet, you and Jody have been
going steady for a long time.

Did you try talking him
into a truce? Uh-huh.

- What did Jody say?
- Uh-uh.

That's what Bret said,
only louder and longer.

A great private beach
with wild surf...

But all off-limits while
our heroes play w*r games.

- Maybe if we explain...
- Huh!

In my experience, boys only listen to
you when they're hungry or lonesome.

I've got a flash.

What's more important to a
boy... surfing or us?

You kidding? Let me put it another way.

I mean, what if we all
just wiped them out?

No dates, no company,

not even a cold hello until they
call a truce and share the beach.

What if they don't?

I mean, I tried educating Art once,
and I ended up with two choices:

total defeat
or unconditional surrender.

Yeah, but if we all stuck together,
it would be like starvation.

- They'd have to give in.
- Hmm.

From Janet, that's wild enthusiasm.
What do you say, kids?

Sure.
They deserve the worst! At the least!

But the soonest!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Karen.
What?

I know you go out together
every Wednesday night,

but that doesn't make
it a tradition.

Well, this is total w*r.
Tell him the terms.

Out of the trenches by Christmas,
or you're just not available.

Sure, I mean it.

Do you think I'd ask you to do
anything we're all not doing?

Attagirl.

Hang tough.

One of your troops?

As a civilian living in the combat zone,
I've been hearing you all afternoon.

It's of the highest
motives, Daddy.

You see, the boys are tangled up
in, oh, a feud,

and we're gonna bring 'em back to
their senses. By refusing them dates?

Exactly. Cunning?

Gidge, let me give you a short
lecture on power politics.

It's all based
on McGonigle's Law:

Anything that
can possibly go wrong will.

Well, we've got this all worked out.
Daddy, it's basic.

The only thing that's basic about
human beings is unpredictability.

You've taken on
a big responsibility here.

If this scheme of yours works,
everybody'll take the credit.

If it collapses,
you'll take the blame.

Daddy, believe me... I believe you,
but what about Bret?

He's a very stubborn boy. But he is a boy,

and that means the odds are with
me, instinctively.

Well, anyway, he's coming over
tonight for a summit meet.

And I'm gonna explain it all
to him... kindly but firmly.

What?

Well, it's only logic, Bret.

I mean, you guys are behaving like a
bunch of children, feuding over a beach.

Look, all we want is for you
and Larry to cool it.

Back down? You're always claiming
to have such a logical mind.

You eat health foods. You're
going to medical school. So what?

So you're behaving in a childish,
emotional, irrational manner!

And either all of you stop it,
or... or no dates.

No dates?

Like, no dates?

Exactly.

It's a matter of principle. Principle?
You're just butting in.

I am not! You're just ashamed to admit
that you got mad at Larry Bennet.

Oh, I'm not mad at Larry anymore.
No?

No. Really?

Yeah.
Now I'm mad at you!

Hey, Larue! Hey.

Hey, there's a triple bill.
It's called The Ghoul's Way,

The Mummy Screams
and Beach Party Vampire.

What do you say? You just wiped out,
beach boy.

Hey, Darcy! All of a sudden,
what's with you anyway?

Away, fighter.
I don't mingle with the combat troops.

You keep coming around
that same curve.

It's up to you and Bret Wilcox.
Can't you patch up the leak?

What, with old wheat germ?
Huh! Let him crawl.

Then stick to your feud,
Larrykins.

It's all you've got.

Kamikaze.

I tell you, girls,
they're on the run.

I hope so.
I'm having withdrawal symptoms.

Kicking a boyfriend cold turkey
is not good for the soul.

By the weekend,
they'll be crying for peace.

So we're all losin' our toes
to frostbite, right? It's a cold fact.

We gotta do something.
I'm getting chilled in two languages.

Boy, that surf is gonna be booming
tomorrow. Maybe we could divide up.

Let's meet down at the cove
tomorrow and negotiate.

Now, remember,

we'll just wander in in a gracious,
casual, victorious sort of way.

And you really deserve the credit, Gidge.
You held us together.

I think we ought to work up
a medal or something. Oh, no.

A small testimonial scroll
will do.

"To Gidget. For skill, intelligence,
poise, masterful tactics."

Come on!

Hi, ladies.
Welcome to the beach.

But I'm afraid
the best locations are taken.

Sometimes fate just caves
everything right in on top of you.

Then there's just
one thing to do... stand tall.

Look trouble right in the eye
and don't... blink?

I'd just discovered something.

The really big problem in running
an army is, when there's a defeat,

you just can't stand to look
your troops in the eye afterward.

I told you, this view is a gas.

Right you are, Larue.
It's strictly broad gauge...

I mean, wide, wide screen.

It makes you realize how simply
petty human problems are.

Like, who can remember them
after minutes?

Except food. Mm-hmm.
Hey, food.

Thanks.

I mean, thanks.

That's okay.
That was a spare sandwich.

That was Patty Cromwell on the
beach with her hooks in Bret.

Sure, Patty and a whole crew of
girl raiders from Pacific High.

We were thinking... What if we just
sat down and prayed for a tidal wave?

No.

I'm taking a very personal
interest in Patty Cromwell.

Where'd you get it? From Bernard,
the biology brain.

I borrowed it...
for a scientific experiment.

Gidget, I still don't know
what you're gonna do. Larue, think.

Humble me is going to visit triumphant P.
Cromwell, girl werewolf, right?

Right. And this is a needle,
right?

Right. Well, what else?

I'm going to give it to her.

Hi, Patty. I came over
hoping we might talk.

Why not? Why don't we
go up to my pad? Okay.

Step into the trophy room,
Gidget.

Now, why don't you tell me
what this is all about?

About Bret... congratulations.

Well, that's pretty broad gauge of
you, Gidget. Well, I can face facts.

Fact: I goofed.

So I figured I might as well
be sporting about it.

Here. Here what?

I'm sorry.

It's just that
everything in here has...

Has memories for me.

Bret's ring.

His football sweater,
miles too big for me.

- Oh, I'll cut it down to fit.
- His picture.

Keep it.
We'll have another one taken.

What's that? What?

Oh, his hypodermic needle.

Hypodermic needle?

- Bret? For what?
- He didn't tell you?

Well, I guess it is
kind of an intimate thing.

And you know Bret... sensitive.

He must've been ashamed.
Poor boy.

- Ashamed of what?
- His condition.

You see, Bret has this very
serious vitamin deficiency.

He has to take sh*ts regularly,
especially if he overexerts.

So we have to keep this handy just in case.
Here. It's yours now.

But I don't know how
to use one, Gidget.

What kind of
a vitamin deficiency?

He's had it for years.
It's lingering and very obscure.

I can see you understand, Patty.

Of course... Of course, Bret
never mentions it, naturally.

Naturally. He's very brave.

All the time pretending to lead a normal
life no matter what the risks are.

But... But he's halfback
on the varsity team,

and he's a champion surfer,
and he's on the track team.

I said he was brave.
And you must be brave too.

And you must help him keep his secret. You
must watch over him... sort of mother him.

Here.

Someday, this might mean
the difference between life...

and death.

Hey, Patty, what is it with you?
Can't you stand to be more

Well, I just
want to stand by. Hi!

How is everything,
you know, going? Mm-hmm.

Just fine. Good.

Here. I brought you your
fortified sunflower seeds...

and the rest
of your vitamin capsules.

We know how important
your vitamins are.

Absolutely. The body has to
have a proper vitamin balance.

I'm very careful about that.

Oh, you have to be,
and I'm gonna help you.

My responsibility, too, now.
I'm gonna look after you.

- I don't need a nurse.
- Well, of course not.

Not exactly.
Well, toodles!

Bret, you mustn't run yourself out!
Will you quit managing my life?

Well, I know what's
right for you, Bret.

A little quiet would be
just fine for a start.

In case of a disagreement,
there's absolutely nothing like...

frankly discussing the issues...
to turn it into total w*r.

This is the last time I take pity
on a... a... Listen, don't say it.

I wouldn't dream
of being so cruel.

Uhh. You woke me up. I don't know what's
gotten into her, Gidget.

All of a sudden, she's trying
to mother me or something.

No! Well, that's the way
the foam fades.

You know, Gidget, uh... I forgive you.

For what? Well, do we have
to list everything?

As far as I'm concerned,
it's all forgotten.

I'll give you
another chance... one!

- And only because of your condition.
- What condition?

- Bret! I know about your secret.
- What?

Hey, Bret.
Listen to that ginger surf.

No, no, no. Patty,
what are you talking about?

This. That?

- Yes!
- What?

It! Your personal
hypodermic needle.

Gidget, well, sort of passed
it on to me... as a trust.

- Gidget?
- As a matter of fact...

I would've walked
right out on you, Bret,

except for the way Gidget
explained it all to me.

So you have a vitamin deficiency.
Well, what's so terrible about all that?

Nobody's perfect. But you feel
you have to be very athletic...

and... and masterful
and everything, and...

And you overcompensate.

Well, actually, it's just that Bret
is so... so concerned about health.

Oh, no, no.
It's very serious.

- My hypo. My beloved needle.
- Bret!

With its sharp, sharp point.

Well, I may have won
the battle of the Bret,

but, in three days, I haven't gotten near
enough to him to negotiate the armistice.

Oh.

Glad to see you too.

Larue, don't be frivolous.

You're looking at a fractured
woman, unable to eat, sleep.

A woman considering
the ultimate solution.

What ultimate solution? What else?

Getting a new boyfriend. Still nothing
with Bret, huh?

Unless you call trying to run
me down with his car something.

Well, it's a sign of interest.

I was behind him in the parking lot.
He didn't even see me.

A meaningless sort
of run down. Grim.

That looks interesting. Cheese, tongue,
peanut butter,

spaghetti, pumpernickel on the
bottom, angel food on the top.

It's my heartbreak special.
Want a bite?

Very smooth.
You know, Bret's upset too.

No. He goes to the cove every
weekend morning, early,

and he doesn't surf.

No.

He just leans on his surfboard and
looks out to sea, thoughtfully.

Like tomorrow morning,
for instance, : a.m.

That's a very
creative sandwich. Here. It's yours.

Where are you going? To set my alarm.

Oh, hi, Gidget. Oh, Bret.
I didn't see you here.

I often come out here early in the morning
to think, watch the surf and... think.

Yeah, me too.

Bret, are you still mad at me?

Mad at you? No.

It's just that I didn't think anybody
knew about me... my condition, I mean.

But I guess you being
so close to me, you guessed.

Oh, yes!
In a way.

My mother didn't
tell you or anything?

Oh, no, no.
Your condition?

Mm-hmm. It's not really
a vitamin deficiency.

You were just guessing, weren't you?

Yes, yes, guessing.
What is it?

Well, you probably figured out
why I'm going to medical school.

There's no cure for it now.

But I thought, if I had enough time,
maybe... maybe I could find one.

Bret, what is it?

It's impaired
terminal circulation.

Right now, it's just my
hands and feet that go numb...

Unless, of course,
I'm very active.

And that's why I go out
for sports so much.

Oh, your poor hands.
Well, they... they are cold.

Right now it's just
my hands and my feet.

But in a few years...
My arms, my legs...

and then eventually,
well, the end.

Unless, of course,
they pass a medical miracle.

Oh, they will.
I know they will.

Well, they've conquered everything.
I know a doctor will find a cure.

- Well, how do you feel now?
- Right now?

Well, it's my feet.

They have that funny,
numb, no-feeling feeling.

I massage them sometimes.
It helps.

Oh, let me. Let me.
How does that feel?

Oh, better, better. Can you rub a little
harder? I'm beginning to feel something.

What do you feel? Oh, better.
Much, much better.

I may even live.

You know, you have a touch, Gidget,
that's unknown to medical science.

You scrag!

You blickworthy,
weaseling wipeout!

All square?

What could I say? I ruined
him. He wiped me out.

All even.

Except, considering Patty Cromwell
and one thing and another,

I was a little more even
than he was.

Bret's? Mm-hmm.

I have it on a long-term loan.
It's kind of a symbol.

Of what exactly?

My retiring from being a four-star
general and returning to civilian life.

Later.

And the big moral is:

It's a lot easier
to start a w*r than end it.

Anyway, I decided that in the
w*r between men and women,

I'd stick to personal combat.

I figured that from now on, I'd
practice meeting the enemy face-to-face.

That way, you get all the fun
and none of the fallout.