01x21 - In and Out with the In-Laws

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Anything for me?

All for you.
A bill, bill... Yeah.

Bill... Yeah.

"Resident." That's for you.
Gee, thanks a bunch.

Oh. That's for me!
It's from Jeff.

What does he have to say?
Please. This is private.

Private, private.
Oh, "Private, private."

I'm sorry.
I lost my head.

Hmm.

Oh, no.

Yeah? Hey.

It's all right with me if you wanna keep
your reactions private, private too.

Oh, Jeff's so wonderful. Most boys
don't even like to write letters.

Poor guy must have
writer's cramp.

Why?
A whole page and a half.

Page and a half?
Where do you get the page and a half?

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

Huh?

Oh, no.

No. Daddy.
Somethin' wrong?

Wait'll you hear this.
Oh, I see.

When there's something wrong,
it's not so private, private? Just listen.

"P.S. Mom and Dad are in San Francisco
this week on their way to Hawaii.

"Saturday, they're
going to be in I.A.

"I wrote and told them to look
you up if they felt like it.

"You could meet them
if you want to.

No sweat, Jeff."
Daddy.

I fail to see why that
strikes terror in your heart.

What could he be thinking of?
Meet his parents?

Holy cow, I'm only wearing
his ring around my neck.

Sort of halfway going steady
is one thing,

but meeting a fella's parents
is something else.

Why? What difference
does that make?

What difference does that make?

Oh, that's the switch of all
time... I have to remind you.

Remind me of what?
I'm only and a half.

So?
I'm not ready to get married.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Dad? Dad, wait.

If I have to meet Jeff's
parents alone,

the least you can do is
help me decide what to wear.

Gidget, for the last time,
will you use your own judgment?

I used my own judgment.
I reached for my white skirt and sweater.

What's the matter with that?
White? White?

Oh, then all I need is a veil and
someone to sing "Oh, Promise Me."

Egads. Jeff's even got my
subconscious rushing me into marriage.

If I ever heard
a casual suggestion...

"If you want to.
If you feel like it." Okay.

That's what he wrote to me. What must
he have written to his parents...

to make 'em rush into town
and call the very first thing?

They got here yesterday, and Mrs. Matthews
didn't phone you until : this morning.

I would hardly call that
the very first thing.

Dad, this is no time to split hairs.
Fine.

Dad, come on now. Help me.
I'm serious. You look it.

Don't you even care what
kind of an impression I make?

Suppose they don't approve of me.
Suppose they refuse to come to the wedding.

What wedding?

When you read Jeff's letter,
you weren't ready for marriage.

Now you're galloping down the
aisle... alone, I might add.

But someday, I'll be galloping
down the aisle with someone.

Oh. Suppose it turns
out to be Jeff?

It could, you know,

if I don't change my mind,
meet someone new or marry anyone else.

Oh, well, when you put it like that,
it's certainly a definite possibility.

You see, that's why I have to
make exactly the right impression.

Uh, not too old, not too young.

- You said the magic word.
- "Too young."

Right.
But only chronologically.

A girl can be a lot older mentally
than she is chronologically.

Della Mae.

And a girl can be a lot younger
mentally than she is chronologically.

I'm glad we can end this
discussion on a note of agreement.

All we've agreed about
is Della Mae.

Don't any of your smart students
ever get crushes on you?

It isn't really me they're after.
It's a passing grade.

Oh, hi, Professor,
Gidget, honey.

Professor, why don't you
let me give you a lift?

Then you can concentrate on
other things instead of drivin'.

Well, thanks, Della Mae,
but I'll need my car later.

Uh, but if you'd really like
to give somebody a lift,

Gidget has a luncheon date
at the Beverly Terrace Hotel.

Oh, well, I'd be glad to.
At your service, honey.

Me. Me. The ride's for me. Oh.

If I can get away from my meeting soon
enough, I'll come by and pick you up.

Thanks, Della.
Hey!

Aren't you even
gonna wish me luck?

Why? You know how to say "Happy to meet
you," "Thank you," "Please pass the peas."

Yeah, but my whole married in-law
life could depend on the way I say it.

Wear the blue. It makes
you look days older.

I've already decided on the white.
Well, fine.

If Della Mae knows the lyrics to
"Oh, Promise Me," you're all set.

Not only did he leave me
with my problem,

he left me with his.

- Jim? Jim?
- What?

Look. Look what
they've done to my hair.

Who?
The beauty salon downstairs.

Looks all right to me.
No, it's all wrong.

I said set it back,
so they set it forward.

Well, wherever they set it,
I like it.

Don't you think
it makes me look old?

I mean older.
Are you on that kick again?

Yes, I am. Do you know there's a
convention of shoe salesmen in this hotel?

There is?

I've been across that lobby at
least four times this morning,

and not one salesman... not one...

- turned round and winked
or smiled or anything.

Do you know what that means when a man
at a convention doesn't look at a woman?

Means he's got
a pretty big hangover.

Well, that's very gallant,
but not necessarily true.

Forty. I don't feel .

It's awful to reach an age and not feel it.
That's the way it should be.

Never reach an age
until you feel it. Mm.

But kids make you feel it.
Like Jeff and this girl.

Oh, she'll make me feel
a hundred and three.

How can you be so sure?
Talking to her on the telephone.

So sweet and so polite. Wait and see.
She'll go the whole route.

Standing up when I
come into the room.

Stepping aside to let
me out of the elevator.

Calling me "ma'am."
The whole humiliating route.

That's not humiliating.
It's just showing respect.

That's all right when
you're prepared for it...

When you're , or .

I suppose it is tough.

What do you mean you suppose?

It's so much harder on women.

You age so much faster.

Men grow just more distinguished.
A touch of gray lights 'em up.

On a woman,
it means light's going out.

- Since when?
- Wait'll you start having grandchildren.

That'll make up for it.

Well, I won't exactly
be having them alone.

They'll be your grandchildren
too, you know.

And aren't you forgetting you're
five years older than I am?

I know darling,
but I don't look it. Hmm.

When I go to the lobby,
all the young chicks give me the eye.

Older men appeal to young girls.

You remember.
Jim.

This is a bad moment.
Mm-hmm.

It's a bad moment
in any woman's life...

The first time she feels age
creeping up on her. Yeah.

Now, I'll get over it,

but at the moment,
I need sympathy.

Oh, darling.
How can I sympathize...

when I don't know how it feels?

Ooh!
Where are you going?

To the drugstore
for a headache powder.

Make you sure you get the kind
they make for senior citizens.

- Gee, we're... We're awfully early.
- About minutes is all.

Maybe I could wait in the lobby.

Why don't you come in?
I'll buy you a soda.

Honey, don't you be nervous.
Just stop frettin' and go on in there. I...

Twenty? Yeah, that's what you said.
Twenty minutes early.

, men?

Ooh, I wonder if
they're all here...

and if they're as attractive
as that one over there?

Huh?

Uh, honey, I think
I'd better come in with you.

I'll go park the car.
Okay.

- I'll be right with you, honey child.
- Hurry up.

How did she know my name was Honeychild?
Herbert! Herbert Honeychild!

Root beer.
Make it a double.

Ah, here's a cute little doll.

Oops. Throw her back.
Too young. Oh, fine.

Here, now, here.
Now we're cooking.

This is more like it.

If there's anything I like,
it's a real live redhead.

Especially one with
big, bluey-green eyes.

Hmm?

What would you say if I said,
"Where have you been all my life?"

Oh. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Uh, could we buy you a drink?

But I want you to know I appreciate
your asking me very much.

Uh, is that a yes or a no?
No. Thank you.

And thank you too. I hope that one day
someone does as much for your wife.

And your wife too.

Believe me, there'll come a day
when she'll be very grateful

to some strange man...

who comes up to her and says
what you've been saying to me.

Yeah, well, she'd better not let
me catch her. Yeah. Mine neither.

What was that? I don't know.
She looked normal.

Boy, was that neat.
What a groovy put-down.

Has it always worked that great?

I don't know. It's the first
time I tried it.

Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You acted so nice to them, so sincere.

Well, I was sincere.
I needed a few kind words.

Then you hit 'em with the part about
the wife. Oh, that really threw 'em.

I'll have to remember that.

- Must be nice.
- What?

To be the kind of a woman that men
just can't help but turn around...

and look at and wanna meet...

And don't decide that she's too
young and you have to throw her back.

Boy, does being too young
ever get to be a liability.

- Is it now?
- I can't wait till I'm your age.

- My age?
- Yeah.

The perfect age, where nobody can tell how
old or young you are and could care less.

Like the movie stars,

where-where you reach a certain point
and you just stay there forever.

Instead of, one minute,
being told you're a baby,

and then, the next, having somebody
trying to make you old before your time.

Who's trying to make you
old before your time?

My boyfriend and his parents.
Oh.

A meet like this, you don't expect
to have till you're at least .

- A what like what?
- A meet...

with prospective in-laws.

Prospective in-laws?
For you?

Well, maybe they're not all that
prospective right this minute.

But you know something?

I've got a sneaking feeling
I am gonna marry Jeff someday.

- Jeff?
- That's his name.

So you see, this meeting today with
his parents, it counts... counts a lot.

First impressions last.
Well, um,

occasionally people can
change their minds, you know.

Not his parents.
They're from the East.

- You know how stubborn easterners are.
- Oh, yes.

Some of them are still
trying to surf the Atlantic.

Are they still?

Yeah. And that's how
it'll go with me.

One look at me, and
they'll decide I'm a baby.

And that's how they'll
think of me forever after.

What kind of a chance will I have in
years to come if we get in a family fight?

I hadn't thought about that.

Yeah. I like to think ahead.

Well, I'm sure that they'll
find you absolutely enchanting.

Hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh! Ah!

Oh, dear.
Oh. Oh, swell.

In addition to everything else,
I'm gonna look like a slob.

What a shame.

But I promise you
that nobody will notice.

How can you be so sure?
Well, I have a sneaky feeling of my own.

There.

Well, good-bye and good luck.

I promise you
you won't need it though.

Thanks. Oh, and thanks for the great
put-down, you know, with the shoe salesmen.

Oh, yes.

Toodles.
Bye.

Hey.
Well, hello there.

Howdy.
Yes, indeedy.

Good day to you, too.
Hi.

Well, I do believe
you're following me.

Eh... So I am.
Yes, uh, a little bit.

In another minute,
I might ask you to have a drink with me.

Oh.

I'll just have to say no until my
little friend meets her friends.

Does that mean later? Well,
it certainly sounds like it, doesn't it?

Later.

Very nice.

I'm gonna have to start
buying more shoes.

I thought you were supposed to
have such a mad crush on my dad.

Well, I do.

But modern psychologists tell us,

in order to truly love one
man, you have to love 'em all.

You know something?
I think you're gonna make it.

I just happen to admire
good-looking, adorable men.

After all, they are strangers in town,
and you wouldn't want me to be rude or...

Why, honey, whatever did you do?

I, uh... I got in the way
of one of your strangers.

You know, you oughta take a lesson
from this lady I just talked to.

She knew how to put down men
without being the least bit rude.

Now you can't go meeting
Jeff's folks looking like that.

What else can I do?

Come on.
Where?

To change sweaters.
You wear mine. I'll wear yours.

Why, Della Mae,
that's downright generous of you.

Oh, that's all right. Nobody's gonna
notice a little old root beer stain on me.

What were you saying about what lady?
How wasn't she rude?

Well... Oh.

Forget it.

Jim, just for once,
do as I say and don't ask any questions.

I'm supposed to go down to the
lobby and look for a girl...

in a white skirt and sweater
with a root beer stain on it?

That's right. Get in a conversation.
Put her at ease.

You been drinking?
I have not.

You've got to be drunk to expect
me to walk up to a strange woman...

Child. And talk to her and
put her at her ease yet.

Wh-What is she gonna think?

She isn't gonna think anything.
She's gonna be too nervous.

But this way you get a chance to
meet her the way I did. No, Laura.

Jim, please?
Well, when you put it that way.

No.
Oh.

All right, spoilsport.

It's Jeff's girl.
What?

Yes. Now, I'm not gonna
tell you anything else.

Now will you do it?
Well, why didn't you say so?

'Cause it spoils the fun.

Just be perfectly natural with her, and
then when we do introduce ourselves to her,

she won't have to behave
any other way. Uh-huh.

And she's darling.
She is, huh?

Mm-hmm. And she thinks
I'm the perfect age.

How did she put it? An age
where no one can figure out...

just how old you are
or how young.

And nobody cares.
She was drinking too, huh?

Not that one.
What?

This one.
Why?

It doesn't make you look,
uh, quite so, uh...

Quite so what?
Um, stodgy, settled.

Uh, what's the word?
Um...

Fresh. That's the word.

I don't know, Della. I don't seem to take
up as much room in your sweater as you do.

Well, it's better than
having it too tight, honey.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
But do you?

Oh, where are those housephones?

I can't put off calling
the Matthews much longer.

Did you ever notice what beautiful
eyes the short ones all have?

Della, cut that out. Goodness' sakes.
I'm just trying to be nice.

Well, if you have to be nice, can't you
be nice like the lady in the drugstore?

You know...

Um, may I have Mr. and Mrs.
Matthews' suite, please?

Oh, this thing. Look at that one.
Isn't he attractive?

Oh, I just love 'em when they get that
age, like your dad.

Oh, brother.
Bye-bye.

Where are you going, Della?
Window-shopping.

Can't you wait with me till I meet them?
I need a friend.

Well, all right.
Mrs. Matthews. Hi.

This is Frances Lawrence.
How have you been? I'll be going now.

You have them on the telephone.
I'm here.

Would you like me to come right up?
You don't need me.

Shh! Oh, no, no. Not you, Mrs.
Matthews. You don't need me anymore.

Uh. Oh, you want me
to wait in the lobby? Yeah.

You're coming right down?
Well... Well, how will I know...

She hung up.
Good-bye, honey.

Della, wait with me.
They're coming right down. I'm scared.

Well... Oh, look!

Oh, Della, this sweater
just isn't gonna work.

I think I'm better off
with the root beer. Come on.

Am I mistaken, or is he
finally lookin' over here?

Della, come on, please? Well, honey,
if the man wants to be sociable...

Either come right now,
or I'll tell my dad and...

And you'll never pass English.

But he's already comin' over.
Well, then, get rid of him quick,

or it's an unconditional "F."

But I don't know how.
Well, like the lady in the drugstore did.

First... First, thank him and
tell him how grateful you are.

That's G-R-A-T-E-F...
As in "flunk"... U-L.

Then hit him with
the line about the wife.

Hurry up. I want my sweater.
All right.

I wonder if you could be the
little girl I'm looking for.

Well, I could've been if
you weren't so all-fired slow.

Slow? I don't understand.

Otherwise, a distinguished,
good-looking man like you,

I'd been real happy to make
your acquaintance. Thank him.

Thank him.
Who?

Oh, but I do appreciate
your askin'.

Asking? Asking what?

Grateful.
Grateful.

- Grateful?
- I'm so grateful.

His wife.
Wife.

I-I hope your wife has as much luck.
My-My... My wife?

Although why a woman married
to a handsome man like you...

has to be out looking for
compliments from strange men

is more than what I
can figure out.

Strange? What are you
talking about, young woman?

You can't be the girl I'm...
Is that root beer?

If you're gonna get personal.
Now what did you mean about my wife?

What wife? My wife.
Did she put you up to this?

You mean to tell me you have
a wife

and you're looking to strike
an acquaintance with me?

No wonder your wife
is looking for strange men.

She is not looking
for strange men.

Furthermore, I wouldn't
be the least bit happy...

to make your acquaintance if
I had known you were married.

I draw the line at married men.

Now, now, just a minute!
Just a minute!

Why, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself. I...

And you old enough to be my grandfather.
All I was trying to...

- Grand... Grandfather?
- Yeah! That's right!

I needed this like
I needed a hole in the head.

Under the circumstances,
there was only one thing for me to do...

What any other normal,
red-blooded American teenager would do...

Run.

Hey, just a minute. Take it easy.
You got troubles, honey?

- Who are you?
- Oh, am I glad to see you.

I tell you. This lobby just isn't
safe for a young girl like myself.

All those married men running
around, preying on young girls,

neglecting their wives.

- I'll bet you don't even sell shoes.
- I certainly do not!

And what's wrong
with selling shoes?

Hold it! Will you please
stay out of this?

Why don't you run along, Dad?
Who are you calling Dad?

Oh. Oh, ma'am, am I
ever glad to see you.

You see, my friend, she's in big trouble.
This man tried to pick her up.

Then I tried to tell her like you
did, and it didn't work.

What?

Easy, Pop.
I don't wanna have to slug you.

All I know is...

if that's root beer,
I'm entitled to an explanation.

Oh, he's asking for it!

You're asking for it. Oh, if they
ever hear about this in Tennessee...

Oh!

Oh. Where's your sweater?

To be honest, ma'am,
I couldn't care less about my sweater.

What'll I do about my friend?

What am I gonna do about my husband?
Husband?

Jim, you've got the wrong girl!

Jim! Jim! Jim!
You've got the wrong girl!

Jim, this is Gidget.
You're Jeff's parents.

What's going on? Some old goat is
trying to pick up a young girl.

Huh?

I've been looking
all over for you.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry about that. You're...

- Gidget!
- Gidget!

Gidget! Oh! Daddy!

Oh!

My, this was just
such a lovely afternoon.

And, Professor, the way you came
charging through that crowd.

I had no idea you were in
such good condition. I wasn't.

- Sorry about that, old man.
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that, old man.

You know, I still can't believe
you, Mrs. Matthews.

You really have a -year-old son?
Yes, I do.

Well, he's my son too.
You I can believe.

I've had all I can take from you.
I wanna tell you something.

I've-I've... Jim, stop it.
It's over. Forget it.

It wouldn't have started if you hadn't
sent me... I was minding my own business.

- I'm certain you were.
- Heaven knows I had nothing to do with it.

- If you ask me...
- Gidget.

Oh, certainly.
Stop it.

What I was going to say is,
all's well that ends well.

Do you call this
ending well? Very nice.

Well, what I meant is,
this started out to be...

a dull, formal luncheon
for three, didn't it?

Yeah.
Yeah.

And look how it ended up...
Just one great big happy w*r.

Well, she... she certainly
has something there.

Oh, Gidge, for heaven's
sake, there's no... But, Dad.

- There's no point.
- Do you wanna stand

in front of your classes
tomorrow like that?

With your eye all black and blue?
No.

Then sit down and let me
fix it for you.

Aren't Jeff's parents wonderful?
Yeah, they were nice. Oh.

Shows you, doesn't it?
Prospective in-laws can be fantastic.

The whole trick is
to catch them unaware.

Meet them before they're prospective
in-laws so they're still human beings.

- Is that what I mean?
- I don't know what you mean.

But what are you doing?

Well, I'm looking for
the first aid booklet.

I know it's hot or cold
applications when it happens...

and the exact opposite
afterwards,

but which?

But have no fear.
If we can't find the booklet,

we'll play it safe and do both.

- Oh, fine. Hey, Gidge.
- What?

Forget it. My eye's not
gonna be black and blue.

It's not? Nope.
It's gonna be green and purple.

Oh, Dad.
Ooh.

Isn't he the greatest? Hey.

I just happened to think: Any guy
who marries me is gonna end up with

Dad as a father-in-law.

How's that for
hitting the jackpot?