01x29 - Ask Helpful Hannah

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi, Gidget. Hi, Peggy.

What brings you around? Indigestion.

I just can't stomach this "Helpful
Hannah" column any longer.

That's the trouble with this job.
An editor's just an editor,

but every reader is a critic. Oh, come
on, Peggy. It must tick you off too.

I mean, it gives
such nerdy advice.

Well, ask a nerdy question. Yeah,
but some of the kids do have problems,

and they could use some
honest-to-Clyde sympathy,

instead of the flip snow job
Hannah's been handing to them.

Listen to this.

"Dear Hannah. My problem
is that I'm a girl ' ",

and none of the boys
wanna go out with me.

"What should I do?
Signed, Troubled.

Dear Troubled,
Slouch a lot."

Now what kind of advice is
that coming from a character

who calls herself
Helpful Hannah?

Unhelpful? You bet your blue pencil.

And listen to this one.
"Dear Hannah.

"Should a girl wear her boyfriend's
ring around her neck? Signed, Doubtful.

Dear Doubtful,
That depends on the size of the ring."

Do you grab what I mean? I grab. But
look, there's nothing I can do about it.

But why not?
You're in charge.

And the Westside Jester does
have a duty and obligation

to its readers and I...

Excuse me, but it's a long time since
I heard anybody get on a soapbox.

Oh, Gidget, you know our
faculty adviser, don't you?

Yes. Hi, Miss Beckley.

Frances's father and I are old
friends from our school paper.

Gidget... I mean, Frances...

has some very definite ideas
about Helpful Hannah's column.

Oh, very interesting.

Peggy, uh, why don't
you introduce her?

You took the plot
right out of my head.

Follow me, friend. What introduce?
What plot?

There's someone in here
I'd like you to meet.

Hannah?

I think I just put
my foot in something,

and I've got the feeling
it's my mouth.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Oh, hi, Norman. Hi, Gidget.

Where's
Helpful Hannah? You're looking at her.

Well, how could you be Hannah?
They didn't require a physical.

I thought you were
the science editor. He is.

But the girl who had this job
flaked out on me.

And so I asked Norman to take over as
Hannah until I can find someone else.

I never should have agreed to it.
I'm studying to be a rocket engineer,

not a hand-holder
for hapless hodads.

Nobody forced you to do it. Even Gidget
says you could have shown some sympathy.

Shown it?
I could have used it.

All I meant was,
if you're gonna give advice,

at least you can be sincere about it...

Do the job right. That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

Only you're so wrapped up in
your rockets and your missiles,

you've forgotten
what people are like.

Now look. Don't jump down my throat.
I was only doing you a favor.

And right now,
I'm about to do me a favor.

Get yourself another patsy,
alias Hannah. I quit.

Here. Take these. Norman!

Mmm, men.

If I can only figure out what
to do without them, I'd do it.

Well, it was nice talking to you.
See you on campus.

Oh, Gidget. You can't
walk out on me now.

Miss Beckley says we're gonna
have to cut the column out...

unless we can find someone
to handle it right.

Don't worry. You'll find someone.
Don't give up.

If I hear of anyone,
I'll let you know.

I've already had six different
Hannah's, and they've all quit.

Too much responsibility,
too much pressure.

Do you want me to let the
column go out with the tide?

Well, you did say that the
paper has a duty to the school.

Yeah, I said that,
all right. Well, the thing is,

does Gidget Lawrence have
a duty to the school? Well...

Oh, please, Gidget,
in the interest of the whole student body?

Well, I don't remember being
nominated, but I guess I'm elected.

Oh, thanks, Gidget!
Look, I'll have Norman clean out his desk,

and I'll tell Miss Beckley
you're on the staff.

Anyhow, I just went in there
to register a complaint,

and the next thing I knew I was
either putting up or shutting up.

So that's how inexperienced
little Frances Lawrence

grew up to be
Helpful Hannah, huh?

Yeah. It could only happen
in teenage America.

You know, sweetheart,
there is an inherent danger...

in poking one's nose in other people's
business, no matter how cute the nose.

Sometimes it's just
safer on the sideline.

But everybody can't be on the sidelines.
Somebody's gotta carry the ball.

Okay, Hannah. If you're carrying the
ball, I'm on your team.

But, Dad, nobody knows
I'm Helpful Hannah...

except Norman Crowley and Peggy
Bell and Miss Beckley and now you.

Hello.

Oh, hi. The door was open.

Come on in. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Gidge. We just stopped by to see if
you'd like to go out to dinner with us.

We discovered a great new Chinese
restaurant. It's very authentic.

Great. Gidge? Yeah.

I'll get my coat. Oh, neat.

Well, so what's
new and different?

Oh, nothing to speak of.

Then what's new and different
you're not speaking of

but sitting there
smirking about?

Well, I guess I can tell you
'cause you're family.

I've just become Helpful Hannah.

I hadn't even got used
to calling you Gidget yet.

It's not a name.
It's a job.

I only give advice to all the
lonely, miserable, worried,

perplexed, bugged kids
who read the Westside Jester.

The whole school, huh?

But you guys can't
breathe a word of this.

No one knows except Peggy
Bell and Norman Crowley...

and Miss Beckley and Dad
and now you and you.

Gidget, an advice column?

Oh, gosh, you're really wading
in deep waters. Tell her, John.

Well, if I thought
she'd listen. Of course she'll listen.

Of course I'll listen.

All right then.

For openers, Gidget, you haven't
had any psychological orientation.

That's what makes me
so perfect for the job.

You see? She doesn't listen.

John, I'm just gonna give
some plain, simple advice.

Not all that id and ego jazz.

All right, fine then.
I'll stay out of this.

- Okay.
- Stay out of this?

Now look, is that the way a psychologist is
supposed to help people, by ignoring them?

What does Gidget know
about teenagers' problems?

Well, outside of being one... A
teenager, that is, not a problem.

Kids are very imbalanced
at this age.

Just one push in the wrong
direction, and then...

Please, Anne.
I'm the psychologist in this family.

Well, then act like one.

Tell her how people who ask for
advice don't really want it.

You know, a little knowledge
is a dangerous thing.

Tell her, not me.

- Will you let me handle it?
- Gladly.

Because up till now,
you've been mishandling it.

Hey, g*ng.

- The disaster area's over here.
- Another precinct heard from.

Now come on, you guys. Why don't we
act like mature, reasoning adults?

- Which leaves you out of it.
- I was just trying to be helpful.

If you wanted to help,
you should've listened to me. Oh, really?

Oh, look, I'm not hungry.
Why don't we just go home?

You know, that's the best idea
you've had since we left the house.

Well, I'm ready. Great!

Anyhow, John doesn't have
a monopoly on psychology.

The library has stacks
of books on the subject.

And here I am putting some
to good use.

Whooo.

It's me. Oh, hi, Larue.
Join the parade.

Does this really improve your posture?
No, but it flattens your head,

so nobody notices
how slumpy you stand.

Gosh, what'd you do?
Rob a post office?

Larue, it isn't polite
to look at other people's m... Gidget.

You're Helpful Hannah!

Helpful who? Hannah, that's who.

And you were keeping it a secret from
me, your best friend.

Well, all right.
Now that you know, you might as well know.

But outside of Miss Beckley, Peggy Bell,
Norman Crowley, Anne, John and Dad,

you're the only one in on it.

Yes, I'm Helpful Hannah.

And I'm Lip-sealed Larue.

Of course, if you made me your assistant,
I couldn't be a talemonger, could I?

Hmm.

All right. Raise your right hand and
swear you won't mong a single tale.

I swear.

Well, now you're
Helpful Hannah's helper.

We sink or swim together.

Everybody into the pool.
Whoa!

"Dear Hannah. The girl I like
keeps knitting me socks,

but she goes out
with other fellas.

What should I do?
Signed, Unhappy."

Are you gonna tell him this girl's
pulling the wool over his toes?

No. That would be the kind of marshy
thing Norman Crowley would have answered.

"Unhappy" needs encouragement.
He needs cheer.

He needs another girl.

Ow. Hey. Dig this.

"Dear Hannah.
I am a quiet reserved boy.

"The one girl I could communicate
with has just chopped me out,

"and now there's no one
I can turn to.

"No one who cares.
Please, can you help?

It's so lonely being me.
Signed, Wretched."

Did you hear that? Yeah, I listened
in while I was reading the letter.

Larue, this isn't
just another letter.

Why, it's...
"It's so lonely being me."

It's the cry of someone
lost in the wilderness.

Then he should've
written to the Boy Scouts.

This is my big chance to
make good as Helpful Hannah.

But first, I've gotta
find out who "Wretched" is.

Well, you don't have
to get all that involved.

Gidget, why don't you
just answer the letter?

"Dear Wretched: Despair
no more. Help is on the way.

"Go to the library and ask for a book
on the life of Florence Nightingale.

Helpful Hannah
will do the rest."

So far, so bad.

There hasn't been
a sign of Wretched.

Either he didn't rise to the bait,
or he's already read the book.

Pardon me. Where can I find a
book on Florence Nightingale?

Over there, in Biography.

Bingo.

Hi, Ted. Hi.

I just want you to know that your
cry's been heard. I'm here to help.

- Oh, you working in the library now?
- Shh.

Quiet, please.
People are studying.

Why don't we go outside?

I gotta read this book. We could discuss
your problem better.

My problem is
I gotta read this book.

Okay, we'll do it your way.

This is the kind of thing that
you have to talk about to someone.

If there's anything
I can do to help, I'm here.

Well, what a beautiful
pair of bookends.

Can I split you up,
or are you a set?

- Ellen...
- Please, lower your voices.

Hi, Ellen.

What are you doing here with
Ted, you barracuda?

Barracuda? I'm just trying to
befriend this friendless boy.

So he's using that line again. Gidget,
please. Ellen and I are going steady.

- You mean you didn't chop him out?
- No.

But just watch.

Ellen, wait!
I was only doing my book report.

A little less noise.

Hi, Gidget. Oh, hi, Norman.

- Quiet!
- Shh! Oh, um...

Take an answer.

"Dear Misunderstood.
Your mother's right.

"You are too young to stay out
at an all-night graduation party.

"Better stick at home
than be sorry.

Signed, Helpful Hannah."

Gidget, that's
very sound advice.

Thank you. Rotten, but sound.
Next.

I wonder if there's a letter
from "Wretched" in here?

Remember that fiasco
in the library?

Everybody's entitled to
at least one honest mistake.

So Ted wasn't "Wretched." He is now.

Well, how are Helpful and her
helpful mate getting along?

Well, Gidget's been solving all the
little problems, but the big one remains.

Yeah? "Wretched"? Yeah,
he's still anonymous.

You know, I'm puzzled.
If he wants help so badly,

why doesn't he reveal who he is?

Because he wants help,
and yet he doesn't want help.

It's called ambivalence.
John would understand.

He would?
Then I'm really puzzled.

You know, Dad,
it's so fab helping others.

I can see why you're so
stoked about being a teacher.

Oh, it's the swiftest.
See you later, girls.

Color me split.

Where does your father pick up
that gonky vocabulary of his?

Larue!
It's from "Wretched."

He says he went to the
library, but nothing happened.

What should he do? Well, I know what
you should do.

Give him some advice on how to soc it
up with other girls and then forget him.

Gidget, just answer the letter.

Dear Wretched: Drop by
The Shack

on Saturday afternoon.

It's the after-surfing hangout... and
you may find the help you're after.

Goodness, you're restless,
Gidget. I'm just looking.

For trouble. That's what
she's looking for.

- Hi, girls. Mind if I join you?
- Would it matter if we did?

Norman, sit.

I think I'll have
a chocolate wipeout.

Then again,
maybe I'll have a strawberry spinner.

Look.
Isn't that Toby Rand?

He's never been
here before, has he?

I don't know.
I've never been here myself.

- Bingo!
- Gidget.

Excuse me, people.
Excuse me.

Hi, Toby. What a neat
surprise to find you here.

Yeah. Well, I'm here
to see somebody.

Well, I'm the somebody you're looking for.
I'm your friend in need.

Well, who needs
a needy friend? Go.

Why don't you have your ice cream at
our table? I like it here. Thanks.

You don't have to be quiet
and lonely any longer.

What does she mean,
lonely? I don't know, Kathy.

You've been out
in the sun too long.

M-My first Saturday on the job,
and this is how you treat me?

I've been trying to brush her
off, honestly.

Will you please go? What about the letters?

Her you write letters?
Me you just phone, collect.

- Will you cool it, Kathy?
- Oh, I'll cool it all right.

That looks pretty good.

I think I'll have one of those.

Hello.

Hello.

Russ! What a nice surprise. Well, I think
I came at a busy time.

And you were gonna leave
without even saying hello? Not exactly.

Look, I'm just putting this to bed.
I'm sure they can tuck it in without me.

Why don't you sit down?

I guess you're wondering
why I dropped in.

Well, you wanna talk to me about Frances
writing the "Helpful Hannah" column.

- The woman's clairvoyant.
- The woman's a woman.

No, I thought you'd want to talk about
it sooner or later. Miss Beckley.

The "Man Around Campus"
is late with his material.

Then omit it from this issue and
run the feature on the new chem lab.

All right.

Harriet, do you
honestly think...

there's any value in
"Ask Helpful Hannah"? Honestly, I do, Russ.

It's an outlet
for the young people,

with their very special problems,
and have the help and advice...

of the only person who truly
understands them... another young person.

Well, from reading her column
and hearing about her goof-ups,

I don't imagine Helpful Hannah's winning
many popularity contests at school.

- That may be.
- Miss Beckley, the lab feature's

one paragraph too short.

Then run a cut of
a test tube or a beaker. Oh, right.

No, I think it's
very good for Frances.

Life's an obstacle course.

Now, the sooner she learns to
take the hurdle, the better.

All right, Harriet.
I won't interfere.

Sometimes with teenagers a
hands-off policy is the best.

Oh, Miss Beckley.
This hasn't even been proofread yet.

I'll do it. Okay.

I agree. Young people should be left
alone to work things out for themselves.

Here. Read this.

Another letter
from "Wretched."

and the spook of it is,
I don't know who he is.

But through it all, I've had the
support of my loyal family and friends.

Anne... I knew kids were
imbalanced at this age,

but you're acting
positively lopsided.

John... Don't look at me.

Your sister's the psychologist
in this family.

Dad... Sorry. I told Harriet Beckley
I'd keep out of this.

Larue... Gidget,
just answer the letter.

Ouch!

Well, anyway, at least I had
the satisfaction of knowing...

that the kids whose letters I've answered
are appreciative of Helpful Hannah.

Hi, g*ng.

Oh, hi, Norman.
What are you doing here? Leaving.

Double bingo. Something wrong?

Yes, but it's all right now.

Why, I must have been
out to lunch not to reali...

Tell me something
about Norman. Norman Crowley?

Norman Crowley happens to be
the most insufferable,

unbearable boy
in the whole school.

Other than that, he's egotistical,
exasperating and thoroughly obnoxious.

Other than that,
I have nothing to say,

because if you can't say something
nice about someone, forget it.

And you're hung up on him, huh?

Well, I was...
for a while.

But after that Helpful Hannah
luck-out, I turned him off.

Don't you think he'd like to be turned
on again? Ha! That's a ripe laugh.

All he's interested in are
those model rockets of his.

I can't compete
with a nose cone.

All I've got is a head.

Well, if he's interested
in rockets and you like him,

why don't you get interested
in rockets? Oh, look, Gidge.

You don't have to play
Helpful Hannah with me.

Besides, what do I know
about rockets?

Look, Peggy. When it comes to
bringing two people together,

there's nothing
like togetherness.

Pretend you're nutty about rockets,
even if you don't know which end is up.

Believe me. With Norman's
rockets, it's hard to tell.

He's had launchings already,
and they've all fizzled out.

Now, what kind of attitude is that?
If all our space experts felt like you,

we'd have never taken pictures
of Mars or rendezvoused in space

or landed on the moon.

We haven't landed
on the moon yet.

Oh. Well, then maybe Norman
will be the first one.

But I don't want Norman on the moon.
I want him under it.

Then you be at his next
launching, and you be interested.

Show him that you're
behind him all the way.

All right.
I'll be behind him,

but you better be behind me.

Gee.
It's the absolute ult, Norman.

Sure glad we're here
for the launching.

Oh, I just love rockets.
I wouldn't miss this for anything.

Yeah, well,
maybe you could come back tomorrow.

I don't, uh,
think the weather's right.

What do you mean? There's
not a cloud in the sky.

Well, that's what's wrong.
You need clouds.

Come on.

Come on, Norman.

The Cloudbuster 's
gonna be a big success.

And you're gonna be
a famous rocket engineer.

- My mother wants me to be a dentist.
- Oh, he's so modest.

Oh, I admire that in a man.

Especially when he has
so much to be modest about.

Well, time to blast off.

All I have to do is, uh,
press this remote control switch,

and it's go, go, go.

Well, what's
stop, stop, stopping you?

What if it doesn't work?

What if I fail again?

Go on.
Do the honors. Oh... Oh, I can't.

Go on.
Push the switch.

Well, what if Norman's right?
What if it doesn't work? Boy.

If you want something done around
here, it's strictly do it yourself.

Hey! It's working!
It's working!

Norman! Norman!
It's flying! Look at it! Look at it!

Oh, I knew you'd be a success!
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

Yea!

Then why didn't you
press the control?

Me press the control?
What about you?

Look, I admit I had
a twinge of doubt,

but you should have had
more confidence in me. Oh, listen.

If they were handing out prizes for no
confidence, you'd win the gold cup...

Only you'd be afraid
it was brass.

Norman, go after her.

You two belong together like
hamburgers and french fries.

Yeah, well, you tell it to the french
fries. This hamburger's cutting out.

But, uh...

Here's another fine mess
the helping hand of

Helpful Hannah's gotten me into.

Oh, come on, Gidget.
Cheer up.

You can't drip around
like this forever.

Oh, let's face it, Larue.
You were right.

Dad was right, Anne was
right, and John was right.

Which only goes to show how wrong I
was, because John is never right.

Well, maybe if
you talk to Norman.

How can you talk to somebody
that won't talk to you?

Then what about Peggy? Same thing.

Meet the new poster girl
for National Crumb Week.

Well, as much as I long
to share your misery,

I've got problems of my own...
geometry.

I'll see ya. Bye.

Hmm. It's for you.
Bye-bye. Bye.

Dearest Hannah, Take heart.

In the words
of Washington Irving,

"Little minds are tamed
and subdued by misfortune,

but great minds
rise above it."

And in the words of Russ
Lawrence, keep your chin up.

It happens to be
the chin I love.

Your loving father.

Great minds rise above it.

Hey, Peggy. I wanna thank
you for that great story.

What story? I mean,
I'm not interested.

How can you not be interested...

when your byline's over that story
about my successful space flight...

and... and how you had faith
in me all along...

and... and how you predict
a terrific future for me?

I wrote a story like that?

Oh, I guess I did. No, you didn't.

But as long as Gidget went to all that
trouble to get us back in the same orbit,

what do you say we cooperate?

I'm with you.

They don't call me "Helpful"
for nothing, you know.