01x30 - A Hard Night's Night

[bunniefuu]

Daddy was on his
way to San Francisco

to give a talk at Cal,

and I was all set
for the weekend at Chez Larue.

That is, I thought
I was all set...

till she started
with the mysterioso bit.

What's up? I wrote a mystery story,
and I want your opinion.

If your best friend is not
William Shakespeare...

and he asks you to read
something he's written,

go hide in your closet
till he goes away.

And make sure he takes
his manuscript with him.

Because whoever said honesty is the best
policy had a couple of other policies, too,

like for flood and earthquake
and broken friendships.

Do I have to?

You're afraid you won't like
it and you'll hurt my feelings.

Look, I want criticism. Believe me, it...

Gidget, if I just wanted a big
rave, I'd ask my mother to read it.

Well... My mother loved it.

You asked me. So, I'm waiting.

Well, it's a little
overwritten. Pray, go on.

That's all.
Just a little "purple prosy."

Where?

"The spectral,
sepulchral moon...

wound deathly fingers of pale,
sickly light over the mordant landscape."

Per chance you need
the dictionary?

Per chance I should go home.

And spend the night alone
in that big, empty house?

And there's a storm coming up...
with thunder, with lightening.

Good. Then maybe there won't
be a spectral moon with...

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Your attention, please.

Flight now arriving
from Minneapolis at Gate .

Flight at Gate .

Russ! Russie Lawrence.
You old mackerel, you.

What are you doing here?
My plane was delayed. How are you, Stew?

Tip-top.
Get a load of this.

Altitude.
She'll settle down.

There she goes now.
How about that?

You got it down
to a nice steady hum.

Oh, I'm in great shape.
Great. See any liver spots?

No. Darn right.

I've got the liver of a
-year-old Olympic runner-up.

That's why I'm down in LA.

You're entering your liver
in the Olympics?

No, I'm going to up the old
insurance... five big ones.

I'm gonna take the exam Monday.

You know, I've been building
up to this for months.

The body's a machine, Russ.
There's no trade-in.

I never thought of it that way.
Well, Stew, good luck on your exam.

Russie, what do you know about that
new hotel out on Sunset, mattresswise?

Mattresswise? Firm, uh, extra-firm,
regular?

I'm afraid I don't know.
Well, I'll go check it out.

You know, I got to get
my eight hours sleep.

I don't get my eight,
it's fall-apart time.

Last time I was down,
I stayed at that joint over on Bedford.

Dis-as-ter. You don't say?

Faces east. Toward Mecca?

Early-morning sun.

I tell you, Russ, I've had hotel
nights that would k*ll another man.

I'm sorry to hear that, Stew.
But this time, I'm prepared.

Bring your knitting?
Sleep-A-Bye Insom-No-More.

Just plug it in,
you sleep like a baby.

Produces a low hum.
It screens out all other sounds.

Now that's something. And I've got a
couple of other tricks up my sleeve too.

They're not gonna get me this time.
I'm gonna get my eight.

I certainly hope so, Stew.

A man's got to
protect his family.

Passing this insurance exam
is very important to me.

Stew, if you're worried about the hotel,
why don't you go stay at my house?

Oh, I wouldn't impose. No, no.
My daughter's at her friend's.

The place will be empty
the whole weekend.

Matter of fact, you'll be doing me a
favor... sort of keep an eye on the place.

Here. North Dutton Drive.

? Is that on the
south side of the street?

There are three bedrooms and a
den, all with different exposures.

You'll have the whole place
to yourself. That's wonderful.

Thank you.
You're a great guy.

If I hadn't been
so steamed at Larue,

I'd have had a gorgeous giggle
at her being so convinced...

that I'd be afraid to spend the
night alone in my very own home.

I mean really,

what's the big deal about getting a good
night's sleep in your very own bed...

just because no one else
is in the house?

And that dopey
weather report she gave me.

Like a thunder storm isn't
just some natural phenomena...

involving low-pressure areas.

Smart. A light in the bay
keeps the burglars away.

Stew, you're a lucky guy.
Generous and intelligent friends.

And that was
the lonely Larry Larrabee...

to Julie Ann, Anita,
Hedy, Dori and Martha.

Now, how about a little mood
music to match the weather?

One light okay,
but you're overdoing, Russie boy.

No.

We call this
"The Request Hour."

Your wish is our command.

- So hang on, kids.
- This one's the latest request.

Hello. Larue.

Because I thought it over,
and I was too hasty in my judgment.

I simply want to read it again.

Yeah. It couldn't be that... Never mind.
Then don't come over.

Just because you have the wheels and
it happens to be pouring outside...

and your very best friend in the
whole world is asking you a favor.

Never mind, Larue.
Just forget it. I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that I wouldn't
come over... Okay, right there.

Come around to the kitchen.
I'll be making us a sandwich.

When I looked again, that
rose somehow was familiar,

not quite as scary.

So I turned the light on,
and I realized I turned the light on.

It didn't go off some
mysterious way like I thought.

I guess I'd been a little nervy before
and turned it off without realizing.

"Start at the top.
Feel the scalp relax.

"Feel the heavy hair
weighing it down gently.

"Relax the hair follicles.
Let them go limp, relaxed.

Now the forehead.
Let it flop kerflop on the eyebrows."

I'm soaked.

Nothing like a triple-decker to sop
it up and a little casino maybe?

I thought you wanted
to reevaluate the story. Oh, I do.

"The house was strangely still,

shadows hanging in the fetid
air like black birds of prey"...

Don't you want to
take your coat off?

"Black birds of prey,
dark and brooding,

hanging somber,
drooping darkly"...

Now the hips.
Let them go.

Spread, sink, flop...

Herbie, don't forget
to shut the garage door!

- It's pouring!
- All right! All right!

Just what I need...
Noisy neighbors.

All right, all right.
Now feel the scalp relax.

Feel the heavy hair
weighing it down.

Oh, what a fun,
fun, fun, fun party.

And wasn't Archie silly? I wish you
could be funny like Archie, Herbie.

Oh, I just hate to
take off this costume.

I am the Good Fairy of the West,
and I grant you three wishes.

Ohh!

Okay, the first is pipe down.
I'm pooped.

Ah, Herb, before we were married,
you were the last one to leave a party.

I kept hoping you'd go home
with somebody else.

Herbert, there are lights on
all over the Lawrence house.

Is that the late, late news? But Russ is
out of town, and Gidget's at a friend's.

They wouldn't go away and
leave all those lights blazing.

- Oh, Fonya.
- I mean it. It could be a burglar.

So Russ'll send him
the light bill.

Herbert, somebody has to
go over there and check.

He's insured. And I happen to be president
of the Nice Neighbors Network.

So you check. Oh, Herb.

Before we were married, you'd have been
excited about a possible adventure.

Before we were married,
I was six inches taller.

"There was a hushed feeling
of impending doom.

"The measured ticking of the old
clock sounded like a heartbeat...

"echoing through
the gloomy corridors.

"Suddenly...

Everything went black."

What happened? Maybe it's just a fuse.

So fix it. Well, come with me.
The fuse box is in the cellar.

I'll wait here so I can
tell you when they go on.

You have too much of that
fairy fudge tonight?

There are no lights on
over there.

But I could swear... So could I.
How in the Sam Hill...

You go over there
and check all those locks.

And don't bother arguing,
because I'm not listening.

I ought to take this makeup off.

Anybody sees me, they'll think
your mother's visiting again.

You can do that later. It will take
too long. And there were lights.

Probably some electrical
disturbance because of the storm.

Before we were married, you wouldn't
have had such a silly explanation.

Before we were married,
they hadn't invented electricity.

Where would I be if I were a fuse box?
On the back porch.

Where would I be
if I were a back porch?

Why didn't I stay in a hotel?

Maybe this is it... Ow!

Go to my room and get my flashlight.
I can't do anything without some light.

Well, how will I find my way? You
practically live here. Use the back stairs.

Never mind.
I'll go up the front way.

Do what you want.
Just hurry.

I'll probably catch
my death of cold.

This must be the kitchen.

Tighter than a drum.

The patio door.

Back in the den again?
Get a grip on yourself, Stewie boy.

You want that electric blanket to
work, you better find that fuse box.

Steady, boy. You didn't see what you
thought, because there is no such thing.

It's just nerves.
Just cool it, baby.

The thing to do is to sleep.
Forget the fuse box. Just... Just sleep.

Sl-Sleep.
You're obviously...

Sleep. Sleep.
Sleep like a baby.

Baby sleep. Sleep.
Sleepy time now. Oh...

♪ Rockaby, Stewie
on... on the treetop ♪

- Gidget!
- What took you so long?

There was a monster
looking in the window.

Hand me the flash and stop
with the story already.

No story. A monster on the patio.
I saw it. Deep talk.

It was just the cypress tree. You sure?

When I get the lights fixed,
we'll calm down.

Whoo-hoo!

Answer me!
Whoo-hoo!

I didn't hear that.
That's a "figmation" of my "imagment."

Whoo-hoo!

All right.
Start at the top, Stewie.

Relax the scalp.
Feel the heavy hair weigh it down.

Maybe I better look around.

I should have
brought along a flash.

Must be the storm. Wh...

What else could it be?

We'll eat,
and we'll feel better.

A nice glass of warm milk.

That's what you need,
Stewie boy.

That will calm the old janglies.

Maybe a couple of tranquilizers
and some dry pajamas.

You never realize how many
creaks and squeaks a house has.

Our house doesn't.

That's because your parents
aren't in San Francisco. Yeah.

What we need is something to
take our minds off of this jazz.

Yeah. Hey, let's wax
our hairlines. Huh?

Well, I have this neat stuff
I've been dying to try.

You melt it down and slap it on and
let it harden and zap... no fuss.

Crazy.

What the...

That's not like Russ
to be so careless.

Could start a fire.

First, we put it in a pan,
then turn on the heat and melt it down.

How long does it take? Oh.
I left the directions upstairs.

Be back in a jiff. I'll come with you.

Ow.

Why did you turn the light off?

I didn't.
Didn't you? Of course not.

Gidget, something funny's
is going on.

Oh, don't be a big baby.

Don't you feel something spooky?

I just feel like
waxing my hairli...

Hey.

It's all gone. See?

Oh, it just evaporated.
That's all.

I got to get out of here.

You can just throw a coat
on over your pajamas.

There's got to be some
reasonable explanation.

I don't want to hear it.
Let's get out of here.

All right, fella, put them up!
You're surrounded!

Say, there,
you a friend of Russ's?

I'm sorry I burst in like
that. Uh, Russ give you a key?

Say, buddy.

It came from there.

Is my husband all right?

Oh, not him!
That's my husband!

Oh, darling, are you all right?
I was so worried.

Well, to each his own.

Mrs. Feiler? Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
What happened?

Oh, it's all right.
We were at a costume party.

We saw the lights go on and... But
what are you doing home? I thought...

Around the corner.
Uh, we got him... Pajama Plotkin.

Just one more tranquilizer
and then I can sleep.

Pajama Plotkin.

One of the slickest
second-story men in the country.

Does all his jobs in p.j.'s.
Then if caught, he was just sleepwalking.

Well, we got you now.
I must get some sleep.

You'll have plenty of time to
sleep, Jack, down at the station.

Station? Can it, Plotkin.
We got you now.

I'm not Plotkin.
I'm Stew Gurney. Uh-huh.

I'm a friend of Russ Lawrence's.
He gave me the key.

Yeah.

You're detranquilizing me!

Gidget? I've never
seen him before.

And Daddy didn't say anything
about giving anyone a key.

Okay, Plotkin, let's go.

No, wait a minute! This is an outrage!
You'll hear from my lawyer!

Wait till he gets you down there at
the station! You find out what it is!

Well, it's been a night.

I guess we'll run along home, too,
if you're sure you girls will be all right.

Oh, we're fine. But I guess
we'll go sleep over at Larue's.

Yeah. My parents might be a
little nervous alone in the house.

- Well, Mr. Feiler will follow you home.
- Oh, Fonya.

Before we were married,
he would have jumped at the chance

to take two pretty girls home.

Before we were married,
I had strength to jump.

The neighbor and his wife came
over. Boy, did he look funny.

And then when he came over, he found
this skinny burglar. All funny and hairy.

And the police came,
and they took him away!

Hold it! Hold it, you two! I can't
get a word with both of you shouting.

Now one at a time.
Hi, Stew. How was the exam?

What were you two saying? Do you know him?

- Something about a skinny burglar?
- Well, that's the one.

One at a time, please.

Go figure out
the older generation.

I thought Daddy would be boiled
over what happened to his friend.

But when we got to the part about Pajama
Plotkin, he almost fell down laughing.

I guess it is pretty funny.

Till you stop and think...

Somewhere out there in the night
is the real Pajama Plotkin,

lurking in the gloom,
waiting, just waiting.

Hey, that's a pretty good
opening for a mystery story.