01x31 - I Have This Friend Who . . .

[bunniefuu]

In English composition,
my teacher's always nagging us

not to use clichés.

And I suppose
she's right as rain,

but I'm finding out clichés
have a lot of truth in them.

Like those who have, get.

Or haste... makes waste.

It's always darkest...
before the dawn.

And three's definitely a crowd,

especially when number three happens
to be your boyfriend's father.

I hope you two
are as hungry as I am.

Gee, Dad, you just went
to get a package of gum.

Well, hot dogs, potato chips,
uh, dill pickles,

root beer, popcorn
and ice cream.

Did I forget anything? The gum.

I'll get it later.
Come on, let's, uh... Let's live it up.

Hey, I can't remember the
last time I had this much fun.

The three of us are going to have
to plan more things together.

I'm ready for anything.

You, uh, feeling
any better, Dad? I'm fine.

Maybe it was that
last dill pickle.

Or the one before that.

He looks so pink.
Maybe he's got a fever. It's sunburn.

Uh, you think, uh,
maybe we should, uh, go, Dad?

Well, if, uh,
you two have had enough.

We'll, uh, come earlier
and stay longer next time.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

You're awful quiet.

I don't know how to act when
it's just the two of us.

Oh, you're still teed off about my
dad fouling up our day at the beach.

I don't mind having to
leave the beach so much.

But the three of us going
to a drive-in movie?

I'm sorry, Gidge. I know you missed a
lot of the picture from where you were.

Well, all three of us couldn't
sit in the front seat.

- Next time...
- Next time?

Honestly, when you came into first period
today, I expected to see your dad with you.

I know how you feel, Gidget,
but I know how Dad feels too.

He thinks he didn't spend enough
time with me when I was a kid,

so now he's making up for it.

Boy, is he making up.

Since your mother went to
visit her sister,

you and your dad
have been like Siamese twins.

He wants us to be pals.
I... I have pals.

What I'd really like
is a father.

Yeah. Like other fathers.
Like my father.

Toby, your dad and mine
are good friends, right?

The best.

Maybe if I told my dad
about our problem...

No, Gidge.
I thought about that.

But how would my dad feel

if he found out I was asking his
friends how to get rid of him?

Well, it wouldn't be
like that. No.

My dad can be
very subtle. I know.

Promise me you won't mention
a word of this to your father.

You might let it slip without meaning to,
and, well, I don't want to see my dad hurt.

Yeah. Fathers are fragile.

If, uh, you don't want to date me
anymore, Gidget, I'll... I'll understand.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not going to let your
father come between us.

There's got to be a way that
we can work this out somehow.

If there were only someone else
we could talk it over with.

Yeah. They ought to have
"parent guidance" centers.

It would have to be somebody who
could look at it from the outside.

Yeah. Like a minister
or a doctor or... Or a psychologist.

A psychologist.

Ah. Oh, hi. Hi.

Am I interrupting
something important?

A little experiment on the correlation
of auditory distractions...

and reaction time
in a normal adult male. You?

It can have far-reaching
implications.

And I thought you were
playing a game of jacks.

What brings you to these
hollowed halls of science?

I was hoping you could
give me some advice.

All right, Gidget.
What's the gag?

No gag. This happens to be
a very serious matter.

You are seriously asking me
for advice on a serious matter?

Yeah. I'm desperate. What's your problem?

It's not really my problem.
Well, in a way, I guess it is.

You see, I have this friend
who has this father.

Oh. So you want my advice
for this friend.

Yeah. My friend's father is working
hours a day at being a pal.

Always around? Always.

He has this idea he has to make
up for a lot my friend has lost.

We're dealing with
a sensitive man. Very.

Here. Sit down. My friend doesn't want
to hurt his feelings.

A very difficult situation.

But this is why your friend
can't just speak to the father.

Mm, exactly.

He tries so hard to do everything
he thinks will make my friend happy.

This situation is not
uncommon though. No?

No. It's a very difficult
phase in the adult male's life.

Listen, it can be pretty
difficult for the children too.

Incidentally, I don't happen to
know this friend of yours, do I?

Well, kind of.
But I promised not to tell. Naturally.

Uh, there are reasons.
Oh, there usually are.

If it was up to me,
but, of course, it isn't. I understand.

Maybe later on, when things have
settled down. Then he won't mind. Okay?

Well, actually,
names aren't really important.

Symptoms.

Patterns.
That's what counts!

Now, Gidget, I want you to
stop worrying about this.

I'm going to give it some
thought

and try to come up with an answer...
for your friend.

Swell. And, John,

if you ever want to run an experiment
on a normal, immature female,

I'll be glad to come over
and play jacks with you.

Bye.

Isn't it possible she really
was asking for a friend?

Anne, that's the most obvious
cover-up in the world.

"I have this friend who"...
You know that as well as I do.

Gidget and Dad do spend
a lot of time together,

but I always thought she enjoyed that.

She's gone along because she
just doesn't want to hurt him.

Hey, but if we tell Dad... Absolutely not.

In the first place,
he wouldn't believe us.

And if he did, he'd go right
to Gidget and ask her about it.

So what's wrong with that?

Anne. She would naturally have to deny
that she was talking about herself.

She'd fall back on the same dodge.
"I have this friend who"...

Oh, but Dad and Gidget have always been
so straightforward with each other.

This problem calls
for an oblique approach.

The last time you tried that,
it almost broke up our marriage.

This is different.

I'm going to draw
Russ away from Gidget...

without his knowing
what I'm doing or why.

Okay. As long as you know
what you're doing.

You selected me as a volunteer?

The last time
I checked my dictionary,

"volunteer" meant to offer to do
something of one's own accord.

I was sure you'd offer when you realized
how vital it is. How vital is it?

I have to complete all my experimental
research on my term project this week,

and I don't have
a suitable terminal subject.

There must be dozens of people
you could ask.

Not with the right
qualifications.

This particular subject has to be a
mature male with exceptional sensitivity,

emotional stability
and a high I.Q.

Mm-hmm. And just what sort
of an experiment is this?

It's the application of emotional
and physical stresses...

and their correlation to motor
and mental effectiveness. Oh, that.

You'll be getting me out of a
jam, but that's not all.

This experiment can have
far-reaching implications.

You'll be doing your part
to further the advancement...

of the frontier
of scientific knowledge.

Well, if you'd given me
a little more warning. Russ...

I'm only asking for
a few evenings of your time.

When would we start? Tonight.

I plan to play poker tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Obviously, my future and the future of
your daughter doesn't mean much to you.

Well, we don't want you to give up poker
or any of your other pleasures for us.

Forget us.
Enjoy yourself.

Since you put it that way... and
I might have known you would...

All right.
I'll be your guinea pig.

Gidget, great news.
The pressure's off.

- Your mother's home.
- No.

- Your father's gone to be with her?
- No. Dad's still here.

But, uh, you and I are gonna have
a whole evening all to ourselves.

- Just the two of us?
- Just you, me... no more, no less.

Oh, dreamy.
Well, how did you work it out?

- I mean, what...
- I am doing it for Anne's future.

What happened with the
third side of the triangle?

You know, we were talking about
maybe having your dad call him?

Francie. Hang on.

Our service has been
temporarily interrupted.

I hope you feed
your guinea pigs well.

How long is it gonna take you
to find out

what happened to the third
side of that triangle?

Two minutes. Fine.
Then I need the phone.

No wonder you lost the third side... doing
your geometry homework on the phone?

Okay, Toby, go on.

Well, strictly on his own,
my dad called your dad,

and the two of them are
gonna play poker tonight.

Oh. Perfect.

So, I'll, uh,
pick you up about : .

And don't panic when you see my dad.
He's going to the game with your father.

Okay. Wonderful.
I'll see you at : . Bye.

Phone's clear!

Thanks, honey.

What's that for? Oh, can't a girl
just show her appreciation?

For what? For everything.

Oh, Gidge, I'm going
to be out tonight. I know.

I'll get it!

Hi. Come on in. Hi. Thank you.

I'll tell Dad you're here. Uh, Gidge...

He's probably getting some last-minute
practice with his marked deck.

Your dad and I aren't
going to the poker game.

You're not?

- No. Your, uh, dad canceled out.
- He did?

Something came up unexpectedly.

So you're going to the
game without him, right?

I, uh, thought about it.

But you decided it would be more fun
to spend the evening with Toby and me.

Right. After all, we can't
break up the three musketeers.

All for one
and, uh, one for all.

Right. Let's go.

There you are. Thank you.

Well, this thing is awfully heavy.
Just take your time. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, Toby, I'll never
be able to do this.

Sure you will. You're just
all tensed up. Relax. Okay? Okay.

Sorry.

Uh, I think it's, uh, the way
you're supporting the r*fle.

Yeah? Here, let me show you.
Support it like, uh, this.

- Like this?
- No. More like this.

Oh. That's right. And then just,
uh, squeeze the trigger.

That's right. See? Oh. I think so.

I think you better
show me again. Okay.

No, no, no. Let an old pro take over.
It'll save us a lot of time.

Oh, I'm no in no hurry. You hold it
up here. No, up here a little more.

That's it.
And here and here. Yeah.

Now, now eye on the target.

Eye on the target, dear.

Hey, look at that!
Did you see that?

I ask you,
who's the teacher? Oh, you are, Dad.

Very good.

Are you sure this is furthering the
frontiers of scientific research?

Of course. Now, we'll do the same
thing with a non-preferred hand.

My left hand? Uh-huh. That's the stress
factor, you see.

Shall I start on my onesies?

No. I think we can
leap right into twosies.

Try again.

Hi. Hi.

You were out awfully
late last night. Yeah.

I got hung up on my fivesies.

Your what?

Nothing.

Did you have
a good time? Mm-hmm.

I learned how to sh**t a r*fle
at McGowan's sh**ting gallery.

Well, that sounds like
a constructive evening.

Yeah. Learning could be fun
with fewer people around. Big crowd, huh?

A crowd's a crowd no matter
how many people are in it.

That strikes me as profound, but then my
judgment is never very good before : .

Yeah. About tonight... I'll be out again.

Yeah, so will I. Well, stay out of crowds.

No chance.
We take our crowd with us.

How am I supposed to concentrate on
chess in the middle of a clock factory?

The time limit on each move and
your awareness of time passing...

is the stress factor
in this phase.

Interesting.

- Why aren't your moves timed?
- I'm not being tested.

Well, if you're not testing yourself,
why don't you make just any move?

Are you in a hurry?

Not particularly.

But I think I should remind you that
it's been scientifically established...

that the average life expectancy for
a man my age is only more years.

Okay. Now, you kids know better than to
park up here. Oh, uh, we're not parked.

What would you call it? Uh, we're stalling.

That I believe. No. She means
we're stalled.

You see, we were taking the
short-cut home from our date...

and the engine d*ed,
and then I flooded it.

So now we're just waiting a couple of
minutes before we try to start it again.

- That's a good story.
- It happens to be the truth.

- And who are you?
- I'm the boy's father.

As my son said, we were taking our
date home, and the engine d*ed.

Well, why do you find that
so hard to believe?

Dad, as of now,
I'm ready to believe anything.

Darling, if you don't hurry,
you're going to be late for class.

In a good cause. Here.

Ah. Will you be home tonight?

No. I'm going to
meet Russ at : . Again?

Anne, I'm guaranteeing
Gidget a life of her own.

Yes, but look what
you're doing to our lives.

This is no time to be selfish.

Anne, as soon as I break the pattern
of your father's dependence on Gidget,

I'll get back to you again.

Oh, why, thank you.

You've absolutely
made my morning.

Now we have a record of your
marksmanship without the stress factor.

Why do you keep looking around?

Gidget said she was in here the other
night. I thought I might see her.

Forget Gidget.

I'm sure she thinks I have.
I've hardly seen her all week.

You're doing something much more
important... functioning as my guinea pig.

- And I'm sick of it.
- Good guinea pigs just do as they're told.

How would you like to get
yourself another guinea pig?

Chickening out?

No. What am I supposed to do?

Just try to hit the target.

With my non-preferred hand?

No. Then where's the stress?

The repressed hostility
you feel for the experimenter.

I'll, uh, take you home
in a few minutes, Gidge.

Oh, that's okay. I'm enjoying myself.
Just the two of us.

It'd even be nicer
if I wasn't so tired.

Yeah. Dad sure has
a lot of energy.

Yeah. But he finally
did give up.

This is nice. Yeah.

It must be the way parents feel when they
finally get their little kiddies to bed.

Yeah. Only just when you get
comfortable, one of them yells.

Yeah. "We're scared of the
dark." "I want a drink of water."

Yeah. And then the poor
parents have to jump.

Toby! Gidget!

Surprise.

I, uh, I couldn't get to sleep.
So I finally decided I was hungry.

And if I was hungry,
you must be hungry too. So, here we are.

Dad, you... you shouldn't have.
You really shouldn't have.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, John...

Thought I might hear from you.
You know, a word of thanks.

For what?

Well, you know, the situation with your
friend. The father who was always around.

I guess you've noticed a big
difference the last few days. Yeah.

- It's been a lot worse.
- Worse? How could it be?

Well, if it isn't target sh**ting
lessons, it's a midnight supper.

- He works around the clock at it.
- He sure does.

- Thanks anyway, John.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

It's incredible.

Your father leaves me, and he rushes
home and teaches her how to use a r*fle.

What every young girl
should know.

I have to face it.
My oblique approach has failed.

I'm going to
tell Russ the truth.

Hey, you look very nice.

Well, how sweet of you
to notice.

Hey, uh, why don't we go out to dinner
and then afterwards maybe go to a show?

But I thought you were
breaking the news to Dad?

That will only take about minutes.
Then after that, you and I can...

Sorry, but I have other plans.

- Other plans?
- Mm-hmm. A little experiment of my own.

How does a wife compensate for a
husband who's forgotten she's alive?

Good-bye.

Anne.

Daddy, if I told you you were
trying too hard to be a pal...

and asked you to relax and let me live
my own life, would you be crushed?

Mm, I might be dented
a little, but I'd survive.

If I did feel that way,
you'd want to know about it?

I mean, you wouldn't
want me to pretend? Of course not.

Do you feel that way? No!

Well... I'm talking about this friend
who has this father.

Well, you don't
live my life for me.

In fact, I've hardly seen you lately.
Well, no one's seen me lately.

Well, almost no one.
Except John. John?

You've been spending
all this time with John? Yes.

You'd think he'd been paid
to keep me out of circulation.

Wait a minute. Huh?

Did you by any chance mention to John that
you had this friend who has the father?

Uh, I'll never learn.

"The shortest distance between two points
is the longest way around." John's Law.

- Hello.
- Hello. Uh, Mel, this is Russ.

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry I had
to cancel out on the poker,

but how about going
bowling tonight?

Tonight? I'd intended to spend
the evening with my son.

Well...

"I have this friend who"?

Mel, will you take a tip from a
father who has a very smart daughter?

Sure.

Live your own life.
Let the kids live theirs.

But a father feels
a responsibility.

To be a father. When he needs you
as a parent, he'll let you know.

Maybe you're right.

You know, I've been having so much
fun with Toby since Meg's been away,

I'm... I'm all tensed up.

You wouldn't believe the physical
and emotional stress I've been under.

Yeah, come by about : . Right.

Oh, hi, John. Hi, Gidget.

After tonight, you'll
have no more problems. About what?

You know, the father...
The friend who... Oh, that's all settled.

Since when? This afternoon.

But how? I thought you said...
I appreciate your interest.

But I found out it really
didn't concern you after all.

Hi. Hi. Come on in.

All set? Yeah. Dad,
Professor Whitley's here!

Have a good time,
you two. Bye.

Bye, Gidget. There go a couple
of active kids.

Hi, Mel. Oh, John,
I meant to phone you. Hi.

I'm tied up tonight,
going bowling with Mel.

It's been a while.
My, uh, shoulders are a little stiff.

Well, I've got this trick knee...
We understand each other.

- What about me?
- You go home to your wife.

She's the one that took you
for better or worse.

Anne's not home.

Hey, listen, why don't we stop and I'll
change my clothes and go bowling with you?

John, after what
I've been through,

if you and I were on a sinking ship
and there were only one lifeboat,

I would seriously
consider swimming.

Like I was saying, there's
a lot of truth in clichés.

You take a cliché like, "Half the
fun of knowing is in the learning."

I'm willing
to go along with that.

I can't understand it. That time Dad
showed you, you did it perfectly.

I guess you'll just
have to show me again.

Okay. I hope this isn't
boring you.

Oh, I don't mind.
Now your hands go like this.

Like this? Uh-huh.

In fact, you can make that
more than half the fun.

Make it %.